The Digibandit

The Founding Father's Take On Sarah Palin

2011-09-03T09:07:00.000-07:00

So - An esteemed group of our Founding Fathers - have been up there in the great Eternal Cosmic Consciousness watching Sarah Palin's political exploits and now they are having their monthly dinner get together -and tonight's subject of conversation is Ms. Palin:

John Adams "This woman is a complete fucking moron! -am i right Ben?"

Benjamin Franklin "Fucking scariest shit imaginable -you know how much i love Democracy but this is what happens when you let ALL the ignorant assholes participate"

George Washington " I hate to mix in politics guys -as you know -but this woman hasn't got a fucking clue - she doesn't say anything but generalities -she's like a Populist Parrot - and ALL those great women leaders out there to compare her to -can't those rednecks see through her ignorant rantings and raving?"

Alexander Hamilton "Wow -that's a mouth full from you George - But hey guys -they let EVERYONE participate in the system now -and we know full well that roughly thirty percent of the population are fucking idiots -they just follow whoever makes them feel good about their preconceived notions -a babble rabble of monumental moronic proportions."

James Monroe "I'm with you guys on this one - she's done nothing - she gets her guidance from a Stone Age scripture - never says anything of any depth or perception -never demonstrates knowledge of the complicated issues of the day -has no depth or intellectual fiber or curiosity -she truly IS a fucking jerk!"

John Hancock "It's scary all right -but the timing is perfect for a schmuck like her with the unemployment and the deficit and that fucking Tea Party rabble -and a black president -and a Republican Party on life support culturally.

Thomas Jefferson " Look -it's simple -If John McCain didn't lend his gravitas to her she'd be home in Wasilla fucking Eskimos and shooting wolves -and the rednecks would never have discovered her -AND - You know McCain must have been screwing her - and she can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"

John Adams "Well Thomas we don't agree on much but i think you nailed it right on the head -we all knew when women got the vote that pussy would enter politics -and some jerks like Palin would create a stir -but so far most of the female leaders have been dogs who had to make it with their brains and knowledge and creative energy."

Thomas Jefferson 'So right John -but i have to say that Nancy Pelosi has brains and all that positive stuff - but boy would i like to play with her bodacious ta ta's"

George Washington "Jefferson -we all know you would fuck a snake!"

Jefferson "Ha ha ha George -BUT -i wouldn't fuck Sarah Palin even with those legs -She's gotta be a smart snake!"

Those Founding Fathers sure were amazing!

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

2011-07-27T11:53:00.000-07:00

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod

2011-07-23T21:17:00.000-07:00

It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!

"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"

"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"

"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"

Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."

And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:

Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"

Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!

Michelle's Migraines From lack of Sex says her Husband

2011-07-19T15:58:00.000-07:00

Marcus Bachman was overheard telling a friend today "Michelle just needs to get laid and her migraines would disappear!"

His friend then asked him: "Doesn't Michelle like to have sex with you?" and he responded:

"We haven't ha sex for over two years now -and let me tell you the last thing the world needs is horny female Commander in Chief of the most powerful military on Earth walking around with a suitcase loaded with Nuke attack codes"

He went on; "She is so horny that she is about to implode!"

His friend asked; "Well why don't you two have sex/"

He answered; "She thinks it's dirty!"

The end of the world caused by a horny bitch?That's irony worth of The Bard

White Heterosexual Marriage is a Total Failure

2011-07-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

While Rep. Michele Bachmann had been the first GOP hopeful to sign “The Marriage Vow,” which included in the introduction a section that lamented that “the Institution of Marriage in America is in great crisis.”

Eluding of course to the Godforsaken evolution of Gay Marriage she forgets that 50% of hetero whiteys get divorces - another 30% are fucking miserable - 80% of men who have a 40inch waist or under cheat on their partners and 100% of successfully married males have multiple affairs with younger and hotter women than their wives.

SO Michelle -as usual -you are talking out of your twat!

Soon Gringos Will Be Migrating To Mexico

2011-07-06T11:57:00.000-07:00

The President of mexico said today:

"Educational and employment opportunities have greatly expanded in Mexico. Per capita gross domestic product and family income have each jumped more than 45 percent since 2000, according to one prominent economist, Roberto Newell. Despite all the depictions of Mexico as “nearly a failed state,” he argued, “the conventional wisdom is wrong.”

He continued;'with the rising power of the morons and religious fanaticks in The Unidos Estadas -and with the huge screwing the rich robbers are giving to the middle class and the poor -and the spoiled and lazy American youth -The future is bleak for The Gringos!"

He concluded;'but we owe The Unidos Estados much -so you can come down here and start a new life where the rednecks do not run the show"

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

2011-07-05T14:35:00.000-07:00

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

Celebrities Who Plan On Having Anal Sex July Fourth Weekend

2011-07-03T11:53:00.000-07:00

Well the year sure went quickly didn't it and our group is back in action for their Fourth of July Blast off!.

In addition to the following lineup(oops) of celebrities engaging in some tuchas fireworks - there will be: - The Pope - Andrew Dice Clay - Barbara Bush - Ayatolah Komeini - Rush Limbaugh (with his sheep Oxy Cotton) - Clarence Thomas (with Antonin Scalia) - The Dalai Lama and Harvey Weinstein and Warren Buffet:

Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM

Japanese Recruit Sumo's from Obese US Tenagers

2011-06-26T13:22:00.000-07:00

Sugi Matsuguggi head of The japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation announced today in Tokyo::

"We are on a push to invigorate Sumo Wrestling and unfortunately we do not have enough raw material in Japan for our expansion and modernization strategy - we need a big supply of obese young men (and women) to work with and turn into exciting Sumo stars for the next generation."

He continued: "America has the highest number of morbidly obese young men and women on Earth and we are going to tap into that deep well of blubbery talent"

digibandit Hollywood reporter elise mandelbaum asked him: 'isn't it dangerous to put obese young men and women into an intense physical training regimen."

"Very dangerous!" answered Suggi "Many will drop dead BUT what kind of life do these young men and women have to look forward to now?"

He concluded: "Better to die quickly and have a chance at money power fame and hot pussy -than to die in despair with a Big Mac in your lap."

Fox Announces -The Search for Osama's Skeleton

2011-06-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

"We are gonna scour the Ocean with the same team of expert underwater Treasure Hunters that discovered the Titanic and bring up Osama's Skeleton and sell it in what will be the world's greatest auction event -- AND the revenue will go to the 911 victim's families" --said Myron Schlockmeister Prexy of Fox TV in a startling press conference in hollywood today.

"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"

Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"

Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"

"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."

"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"

First Father's Day Began With A Blow Stick

2011-06-19T10:35:00.000-07:00

Historians have recorded that there was a tradition to celebrate Father's Day even thousands of years ago. Their study say that 4,000 years ago in Babylon a son called Elmesu carved a father's day message on a clay card. In his message Elmesu wished his father a long and healthy life. There is no knowledge as to what happened to this father son duo but it is believed that several countries retained the custom of celebrating Father's Day.

Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.

About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:

"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"

See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.

Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:

A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.

See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.

WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"

And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"

And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"

Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.

So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.

So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.

AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.

But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.

Fox Announces"Huma and Anthony"

2011-06-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

Yes -the Weiner's are coming to Prime Time as Fox reality TV President Myron Schlocker announced from The Beverly Hills Hotel today:

"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"

He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"

Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"

He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.

Anthony WEiner and Wife Should Read this Old Digibandit Blog

2011-06-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors

Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:

" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -

"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."

"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"

Google Announces Fantasy Masturbation App

2011-06-06T10:30:00.001-07:00

Dr.Moishe Pipick -the mastermind of Google Apps and head of development for the recently established Google Division 'Google Sexual Stimulation Apps Worldwide' announced today at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland:

"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"

"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"

Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!

Momma Grizzly claims - America getting Stronger through DECONSTRUCTION

2011-06-01T09:42:00.000-07:00

"Economists who have studied the impact of floods, tornadoes and hurricanes have found that after the initial anguish and huge economic disruptions, periods of increased economic activity frequently follow as insurance money and disaster relief flow in to jump-start rebuilding." said Sarah Palin today on a break from a meeting with Fox TV regarding their upcoming new Reality Series 'Mormon's Gone Wild" which she and Todd will co executive produce for them.

"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."

Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"

She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND

With the National rallying cry of:

"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"

Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?

California Prisoners For Rent To Endangered Home Owners By California

2011-05-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

Can't make your mortgage payment?

Why not get paid by Californiq and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.

Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.

The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.

And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)

Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.

Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.

AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)

It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!

(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)

Blind Prostitutes are The Answer!

2011-05-19T18:01:00.000-07:00

Look -let's be realistic - Alpha Males rolling in fame power and money need a lot of sex with young hot babes!

Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!

The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."

I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)

Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).

It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.

Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!

It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!

Study Shows Fox News Viewers Dysfunctional

2011-05-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

A new study by the Institute For Audience Analysis shows that Fox News viewers do not have the brains or lifestyles that would enable them to understand balanced news reporting in The important Sunday news programs:

roadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54

The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.

In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)

Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.

He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"

Who Was The First Mother?

2011-05-07T17:20:00.000-07:00

IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !

Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP

2011-05-06T13:18:00.000-07:00

DR.MOISHE PIPICK - PRESIDENT OF THE AARP (ALMOST ALIVE RETIRED PEOPLE) -WHICH COVERS 68% OF ALL SENIORS -ANNOUNCED TODAY:

“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about

Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:

"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!

Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"

Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."

Shoulda Buried Osama In A Pig Skin

2011-05-04T18:34:00.000-07:00

The mostly peace loving Muslims around the world tell us that Osama's virulent brand of nihilistic Islam "slaughter the Infidels -they are evil and corrupt -and go to Paradise for your eternal rewards" is outside any interpretation of The Koran - SO Hence:

The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO

Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.

We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.

Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!

Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"

"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"

Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"

Pope Tells Africans To Stop Fucking

2011-04-25T18:53:00.000-07:00

On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking!

"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:

"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"

'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."

That Pope is quite a guy!

But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)

"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."

These guys are from another planet!

Easter Alert! -- Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope

2011-04-24T09:36:00.000-07:00

In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated;

"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"

"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."

"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."

The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."

Godzilla Strikes Again in Dolphin Revenge Attack

2011-04-23T10:30:00.000-07:00

Kawa Socki and his son Sockit Toomi along with Ichi Goomi and Ticki Tocki and Icho Icho Onaa and Fu King Aay were all killed by Godzilla while slaughtering Dolphin in a cove near their remote village in Grababitchi -- three hundred kilometers from Tokyo.

Dr.Oh Myomi Medical Examiner for the Kizmertucki province said today:

"We found Godzilla tracks with huge radiation levels apparent -and were able to identify the bodies because he had not eaten their heads."

He concluded;"We think Godzilla was outraged by the Dolphin slaughter!"

"AND -the radiation is making him stronger all the time"

Godzilla Spotted In Japan

2011-04-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

Ichyo Fumaspumo who lives on the tiny island of Woweezuma was fishing yesterday when he heard a load roar and saw the head of Godzilla appear about two hundred yards out in the ocean

"Holy shit!" he exclaimed to a team of reporters who flew in overnight "A fucking Earthquale and a Tsunami and the destroyed nuclear reactors spilling out radiation - We should have known it was just a matter of time before Godzilla returned"

Reports of missing vessels in the area coupled with the rescue of a seamen from a Whale and Dolphin killing trawler have created a frenzy in Tokyo which would be Godzilla's likely target.

The seamen who is being held in isolation by the japanese Coast Guard was heard to be screaming:

"It's Godzilla and he is pissed off about the killing of all his Dolphin and Whale friends and who has gotten a lot of new energy from all the Nuclear Radiation" in the Ocean." said Shoogi Zoomi head of Japan's Oceanic and Marine Institute.

WOW! When you think of all the problems a localized Nuclear Disaster can create - Just imagine what a ten killitron nuclear warhead would do to your daily routine.

And then think about Iran with a weapon in the hands of those cookoo death worshipping Mullahs - or the extremists in pakistan?

Godzilla would seem like your pet iguana!

Fox and ABC Announce - "Dancing With Disabilities"

2011-04-16T11:12:00.000-07:00

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Fox Television: -- " It's a natural spin-off when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"

"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)

The New Catholic Mass Should Require Homo Alert

2011-04-12T13:43:00.000-07:00

Can you believe THIS horseshit?

"One of the most noticeable changes is in the Nicene Creed, the statement of faith that Catholics learn to recite as children. Currently, Catholics say that Jesus is “one in being with the Father,” but in the future they will say that Jesus is “consubstantial with the Father.” This is one of several changes that include unfamiliar vocabulary.

The new mass MUST require every Priest and the Pope -before every mass - to announce:

"I will not use the power - as a representative of god on Earth - to stick my weeny in the butt of an Alter boy -or any one under the age of 35 -of whatever faith"

BECAUSE you should be less concerned about whether Johnny Jr. is memorizing the Latest Catholic mumbo jumbo - than him being coerced to suck off Father Peter "Because God likes to watch that Johnny -so be a good little Catholic and open wide."

Crude? Crude? -it's happening as we speak! And those rotten fucking perverted priests will never change -and never get the severity of the horror of it -and never stop covering each others asses about it. (oops a pun)

We need women in the priesthood and mandatory castration for the men after they take their vows!

Fox Tv Announces - "From Fags To Stags" Boot Camp

2011-04-10T10:43:00.000-07:00

"You come in as a Homo and leave as a Romeo" says executive producer Moishe Pipick speaking on behalf of Fox Reality Pres.Mike Schlocko who is away visiting Bernie Madoff in federal Prison to discuss a potential program.'Weekend at Bernie's"

"Over the course of twelve weeks our drill instructors -who make Victoria Secrets models look like boys -and who in addition to being the greatest pieces of ass on Earth -are also behavioral psychiatrists -will have these homo recruits screwing like a Guido on the Jersey Shore"

Pipick went on; "we will follow them as they convert from "Tuchas Tigers" - into "Snatch Busters" -and we will witness the pride and joy that their families will experience in seeing their transition into happy and fulfilled "Real Men"

"This is another example of Fox Reality TV's commitment to presenting compelling -must watch programs -while simultaneously helping to uplift society."

He concluded; "The one disappointment in the production is that we had to eliminate the Priests from the Boot Camp"

"They were using it to prey (oops a pun) on the recruits and to try and cornhole all the young kids in the area where we where shooting"

He concluded: "If you have a homo friend or family member or are a fagott yourself - call us at 1-800- stagfag - camp -and start on the road to heterosexual misery. (ha ha ha)

Evangelist Clergymen in Ivory Coast Should be Tried for Genocide

2011-04-09T18:02:00.000-07:00

After last fall’s election, Mr. Gbagbo and his wife, Simone, refused to accept the results, in part because they had become evangelical Christians, and their pastors convinced them that God alone could remove them from power. Every day on state TV, fanatical clergymen called Mr. Gbagbo God’s representative on earth, and the winner of the election, Alassane Ouattara, the Devil’s. Many young Ivorians, poor, illiterate and easily brainwashed, believed this.

It's the same old story - Delusional fanaticks who get their marching orders from god wrecking havoc with humanity.

Evangelist in Ivory Coast Should be Tried for Genocide

2011-04-09T17:54:00.000-07:00

Spike Stole "Coal" From The Digibandit

2011-04-04T15:08:00.000-07:00

Now if this concept - which never made it to air - didn't provide the idea for 'Coal" to Spike TV - then my great aunt Minnie was a drag queen.

(April 2010)Fox TV and Digibandit Productions Announces"Sex With a Chilean Miner"
"This will be the world's most fantastic Reality Program!" -Said Mike Schlocker,Fox TV President at a press conference in Santiago Chile today standing beside six of the 'Untrapped' miners - who will be the prizes in the new Reality Series.

He announced: "Women will compete to be chosen by these brave (and very horny -heh heh) Chilean heroes."

He went on; "The six finalists will get to have sex with all three of the miners over the course of a weekend in a luxurious Island Resort off the Chilean Coast --AND -get this!"

He proclaimed with great fanfaire -"The Miners will then vote on who was the "mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo" -which means "hottest piece of melted pussy" in Chilean mountain dialect"

He concluded; "The winner will receive one million Chilean pesos (fifteen thousand US dollars)and a Llama -and gets to keep the baby if she becomes pregnant"

What do the Miners get?" asked Elise Mandelbaum from The Hollywood Reporter.

Schlocker replied with a lascivious twinkle in his eyes "Mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo"

Fox TV does it again!

US Military Should Create "Violent Criminal Corp" From US Inmates

2011-04-03T16:03:00.000-07:00

"Strained by the demands of long wars, the Army and the Marine Corps recruited significantly more felons into their ranks in 2009 than in 2008, including people convicted of armed robbery, arson and burglary, according to data released Monday by a House committee." NY Times today.

Well - that's a step in the right direction!

Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.

The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in The Tribal areas of afghanistan, and believe you me - when Moammar Ugenexystan (or whatever his schmucky name is) gets a load of these REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!

Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.

And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pagans and pirates of yore - they will turn those tough mountain warriors into islamic pussycats - AND those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Afghani politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and THEN we can send the 'Corp" to visit The Congo for some r&r.

Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. AND also serve as "Bitches" for the troops"Hey Bernie( Madoff) put down that mop and bend over the sink!

That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think? OH Oh OH!

And these guys won't cpme home with all those pussy war related mental problems our modern warriors are afflicted with -like PTSD

These guys will come home refreshed!

Priests Should Be Casrated After Taking Final Vows

2011-03-26T18:42:00.000-07:00

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And -as we have found out - Your local Church has provided a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims- lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the " Now Johnny -God want's me to put my staff in your mouth and then in your bung hole -so be a good little Altar Boy" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican."

Oh -and not to worry --God will keep their nuts safe until they get to Heaven.

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

2011-03-17T14:53:00.000-07:00

"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.

"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"

The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."

The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- which is named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "To Puke."

And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists

"Good Christian Bitches" from ABC TV

2011-03-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Broadway's Kristen Chenoweth (Wicked, Promises Promises) lands a role on ABC's drama pilot Good Christian Bitches.

" GoodChristian Bitches?" on network TV?

i predict that within two years Fox will announce " The Cunts of California"

i mean - isn't combining Christian with a derogatory reference to women a hell of a lot more culturally destructive than plain and simple - outright vulgarity?

I mean would your Christian wife rather be called a Christian Bitch or a Cunt?

I asked my Christian girlfriend and she said she prefers CUNT --She exclaimed "Cunt or Cunty is just a harmless vulgar designation which also happens to apply 70% of the time in all women -BUT Christian Bitch is so demeaning of my status as a human being"

Personally i would rather be called a cocksucker than a Jewish prick!

Japanese Get Payback For Genocide

2011-03-12T10:29:00.000-08:00

No i'm not talking about the millions of Chinese and Koreans they raped tortured and murdered during their occupation of those countries before and during WW2:

I'm talking about their continuing slaughter of Dolphins and Whales which we all know have more intelligence and sensitivity than your average red neck Republican.

I mean wouldn't you rather see Sarah Palin and that whole crowd of Bible Belting Morons screaming for air as they drowned in a Tuna net - or heaving up fountains of blood from a harpoon stuck in their guts than a Dolphin or a Whale

Anyway -The Japanese would eat their children if they had fins and now those lovely Sea Mammals are high fiving with their fins and blowing up spouty cheers as their tormentors deal with their well deserved karma.

God Is laughing His Ass off at Newt Gingrich

2011-03-09T15:36:00.000-08:00

ATLANTA – Newt Gingrich says his passion for his country contributed to his marital infidelity. In an interview posted Wednesday by The Christian Broadcasting Network, Gingrich — who recently converted to Catholicism — said he had sought God's forgiveness for mistakes in his past.
"There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," Gingrich said.
"What I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn't trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them," he said. "I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding, but God's forgiveness."
Gingrich went on to say that he and his third wife, Callista, now have a great marriage.

So let me get this straight he didn't screw around because of pure unadulterated lust, he did it as a result of his passion for the good ole USA (i repeat - In his own words - it had nothing to do with his cock wanting a different home) - He has found god and sought his forgiveness -and Converted to catholicism.

I only hope God is laughing as hard as all those folks who used to think he was intelligent and quite apart from the traditional Fundamentalist Republican Cookoo's.

Now we know - He is Glen Beck with a hard on!

Seniors and Prisoners Required To Generate Energy

2011-03-05T17:43:00.000-08:00

A new energy proposal initiated by The Tea Party Republican Neanderthals would require senior citizens on medicare or in public nursing homes; all people on medicaide or on welfare , and all federal prisoners to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.

"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said House majority leader ErCantor

The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.

Senator Diane feinstein called the plan "shocking" -and said the nutso republicans should generate energy from their favorite pastime (next to killing animals) - Jerking off!

United States Should Sell It's Prison Population

2011-02-25T07:50:00.000-08:00

The United States has 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer" said House Speaker John Boener - "AND i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably." said Sarah Palin.

Dr. Pipick concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

"Outsourcing can be a beautiful thing!"

Eliminate Half The Congress and Save 60 nBillion

2011-02-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

Have you ever met your Congressional representative? - Maybe when he was begging to get reelected but other than that?

We could easily double each District they represent -which is just numbers on a map to them (you and me) -They spend all their working hours in Washington being moved around like pawns in some dysfunctional Chess Match by their Party leaders - and when they come home who the fuck ever sees them or wants to -- SO:

Eliminate about three hundred of them - and at 200k a pop (with benefits and their perks and expenses added to their base salary) we save a bundle -AND:

Maybe get higher quality representation and a lot less squabbling and vying for media attention and begging for money from special interest. lobbyists.

The new Tea Party members will fight this idea because they won't want to give up their first job with enough power for them to fuck good looking women - BUT that's too bad.

Hey -Let them fight to see who gets eliminated - It will make one hell of a Reality Show "Tea Party Smackdown" -On Fox of course!

America Is One Spark Away From Revolution

2011-02-18T18:10:00.000-08:00

Bob Herbert's op ed piece in the NY Times today stated:

Mr. Mishel has been trying to call attention to the human toll caused by job losses on this vast scale. The institute estimates that the poverty rate for children is in danger of increasing from 18 percent, which is where it was in 2007, the last year for which complete statistics are available, to a scary 27.3 percent in 2010.
For black children, you don’t want to know. But I’ll tell you anyway. The poverty rate for black kids was 34.5 percent in 2007. If the national unemployment rate rises, as expected, to the vicinity of 10 percent next year, the poverty rate for black children would rise to 50 percent or higher, analysts at the institute believe.

That would be a profound tragedy.

We already know that children are being harmed in families hammered by job losses, home foreclosures and the myriad stresses that grip families trying to cope with economic reversals. Dr. Irwin Redlener, president of the Children’s Health Fund and a professor at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, has referred to these youngsters as the “recession generation,” and has described what is happening to them as “a quiet disaster.”

This is a prescription for massive social disruption - and it can take off as fast as those wildfires in California.

All it will take is someone who can galvanize that cauldron of misery out there in an America brought to economic ruin by the actions of greedy and rapacious AND non repentent capitalists gone wild.

How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day

2011-02-12T10:28:00.000-08:00

On this upcoming day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia

"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine where Rome was founded.
.
.The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh.

The smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fornicating and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!

This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!

Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.

This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!(only no sacrifice BUT maybe sacrifice a queer priest or two?

Happy Lupercalia everyone!

No Health Care Contribution -See a Fucking Witch Doctor

2011-02-01T09:36:00.000-08:00

While all the morons are celebrating the ruling against requiring folks to at least chip in a little in paying for their freeby health care -which we other folks have to pay for - just remember:

"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today

So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu?

Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?

Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.

FL Line Coaches To Recruit Big Black Women

2011-01-29T13:27:00.000-08:00

In 1970, only one N.F.L. player weighed as much as 300 pounds, according to a survey conducted by The Associated Press. That number has expanded like players’ waistlines from three 300-pounders in 1980 to 94 in 1990, 301 in 2000, 394 in 2009 and 532 as training camps began in 2010

And the demand for these agile giants by The NFL has far exceeded supply -- BUT:

Moishe Pipick defensive line coach for the NY Giants said at a press conference today:

"I was having lunch up in Harlem three weeks ago on a Sunday and was walking around near the Ebenezer Baptist Church when i saw a group of very large black women coming out of Church - AND i'm tellin you that some of these gals were up in the 300 pound range -and they were dancin around like ballet dancers -AND they were wearing high heels"

"So i handed out some cards and a bunch of them showed up at the stadium for a kinda scrimmage tryout and i'm telling you these women are tough and fast and competitive and have the testosterone of a lioness"

Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit sports reporter asked coach Pipick; "What about folks reaction to women participating in such a tough and brutal game? --AND what will their husbands say?"

Coach Pipick responded: "The fans will eat it up like crazy - AND as far as their husbands? --Your shitting me aren't ya Elise?"

He concluded: "I'm just wondering if i need seperate lockers for these gals/"

unemployment Compensation is White Welfare

2011-01-27T18:02:00.000-08:00

Wish i had a dollar for every time some conservative redneck said to me:

"You know digibandit - these (N word here)are robbin us blind with this welfare bullshit -bunch a lazy (N's) that just wont work -just don't give a crap about nuthin yadadadad"

Well you could talk on about how ninety percent of welfare went to aid for dependent children but all you'd get back from the conservative assholes was how personal responsibility had no place among these Welfare cheatin N's.

SO -now you have millions of whiteys collecting checks for up to TWO years -who maybe shoulda put a little away for a rainy day - AND:

You and i both know that Uncle Sammy is not making sure they are accountable for seeking employment in an aggressive way - holding them accountable for their White Welfare checks -making sure this is not just a handout with no strings attached.

AND -these are folks who did not mostly evolve through and from generations of
slavery and discrimination and cultural oppression of many magnitudes.

Just plain irresponsible WHITE welfare recipients who just spent everything they made -saved nothing - behaved liked irresponsible greedy children - tomorrow will never come -nothin will ever go wrong - woopedy doo - keep shoppin for crap - and now think they got it comin because someone else took advantage of them -- boo hoo - boo hoo.

I hope them so called lazy n's are laughing their black asses off at the ridiculous irony of the situation.

NRA Wants American's To Own Artillery

2011-01-15T18:07:00.000-08:00

This from the wimpy NY Times said NRA honcho Clem Snout:

"What is the matter with us? Are we really helpless in the face of the astounding toll that guns take on this society?

More than 30,000 people die from gunfire every year. Another 66,000 or so are wounded, which means that nearly 100,000 men, women and children are shot in the United States annually. Have we really become so impotent as a society, so pathetically fearful in the face of the extremists, that we can’t even take the most modest of steps to begin curbing this horror?

Where is the leadership? We know who’s on the side of the gun crazies. Where is the leadership on the side of sanity?

For starters, assault weapons should be banned. Their raison d’être is to kill the maximum number of people — people, not animals — in the shortest amount of time"

"Well that's just a bunch of liberal crapola" said Clem Snout the NRA president"

He continued, "The more firepower in the hands of white American's the better - and i mean even kinda weirdy WHITE Americans! -- If a few folks get nailed along the way well that's just like my Momma used to to say:

"Clem -if you wanna make an Omelete you gotta break a few eggs"

Mr. Snout continued" "Matter of fact we need WHITE America to wake the fuck up and start investing in REAL firepower because when the Jews and Africans and Mexy's and homo's start swarmin all over us it's gonna take some Howitzers to set em back on their asses"

"It's like Sarah always says -"Don't retreat --RELOAD!" said Stout "AND i don't see nothin in the Constitution says a white American caint own a Howitzer or even a flame thrower -or mount a set of quad fifties on his pickup truck"

"Next year the NRA will seek legislation to REQUIRE every White man (non Jews or Homos)) to carry a gun at all times except when he's humpin his old lady and then she has to have one handy and keep one eye peeled for trouble"

'Vigilance is the answer" concluded President Snout.

Palin Family To Tour US With 'Wild North" Carnival Show

2011-01-13T15:25:00.000-08:00

Youv'e heard of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?

The show itself consisted of a series of "historical" scenes interspersed with feats of showmanship, sharp shooting, racing, or rodeo style events. Native Americans figured prominently in many of the scenes, often shown attacking whites in historical situations with Buffalo Bill or one of his colleagues riding in and saving the day.

Well - The Sarah Palin version of that cookoo event will be coming to a venue near you before you can say " Wow look at Sarah standing on Tod's shoulders going eighty miles per hour on his snowmobile - while she shoots a beer can off an Eskimo's head."(sponsored by Budweiser)

Oh -and while all this is goin on her kids will be working the crowd dressed as Cavalry soldiers handing out bibles and asking for money for Sarah's Presidential campaign.

Yep - in this Annie Oakely meets the Munsters style traveling carnival Sarah will -as she says "Bring back the days when men were men and women were women" or as she said "Before the Democrats turned into homo's and Jew and Injun lovers"

There will be a whale and wolfmeat barbeque and a tent revival prayer meeting and a shooting range.

Hey -the redneck Republicans will show up in droves with their guns and bibles and woop and holler in support of their great white hope for the 2012 election:

Republican now officially stands for "Goyims Only" said Tod as he oggled a teenage Eskimo girl.

Best Torture For Muslim Extremists - Nagging American Wives

2011-01-12T15:51:00.000-08:00

MUSLIMS TREAT THEIR WOMEN LIKE KOREAN'S TREAT DOGS! - AS A RESULT THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW VISCIOUS A NAGGING WIFE CAN BE -ESPECIALLY A GOOD OLD FASHIONED AVERAGE "AMERICAN NAGGING WIFE"(I DON'T INCLUDE GIRLFRIEND NAGGING (JUST AS VISCIOUS) BECAUSE MUSLIMS DON'T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS - THAT WOULD IMPLY COURTSHIP AND OPTIONS FOR THE WOMEN)

So - you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been -I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.

You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less? Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;

"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andthat would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......

"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

Vulgarity An Underutilized Diplomacy Weapon

2011-01-04T09:48:00.000-08:00

Now if i were to say that Iran cannot be allowed Nuclear Weapons for the same reasons that you would not give a psychopathic escapee from The California Prison for the Criminally Insane -five gallons of a toxic biological agent -AND a map to the Los Angeles Aqueduct:

I would be accused of a misguided and inappropriate metaphor yadadadadya (even though everyone knows that is why those Maniacal - Death Worshiping Mullahs can never become Nuclear Weapon enriched)

BUT -If Secretary Clinton were to stand up in the United Nations General Assembly and state with conviction:

"Let's cut the crap! -I would rather have Ahmadinejad suck on my beaver -or bang Chelsea -Than for him to ever get control of a nuclear weapon -AND that goes for their whole fucking lunatic Islamofascist Regime"

And then if Obama reinforced that with:

"I'm with Hillary one-hundred percent and can honestly say that i would rather have The Ayatollah Komeini impregnate Michelle -Than for those Fascist Stone Age Mullahs to get within range of a Nuclear Missile -UNLESS it was incoming from Tel Aviv!"

OH! Oh! and let's not forget the irrepressible VP Joe Biden who might add:

"I can honestly add to those crystal clear comments that i would rather be gang raped in Delaware State Penitentiary -and have my wife be sodomized by A fucking savage Iranian Revolutionary Guard Member -than to allow Iran to obtain Nuclear Weapons"

Let me Tell ya -- The debate would end right there and we would be the heroes of the whole fucking world that is worth giving a flying fuck about - for calling it straight for ONCE!

Ah - darnit -blew my New Year's resolution about cussing -maybe next year?

Remember When Jane Fonda said Cunt on TV?

2011-01-01T18:39:00.000-08:00

Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?
Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.

I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."

She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"

Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."

But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"

"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"

I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."

"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"

Kid's today!

"Blackberry Brain Disease" Afflicting Millions

2011-01-01T18:11:00.000-08:00

The Universal Cultural Research Institute in Berne, Switzerland announced the results of a five year study of over ten thousand seemingly successful and normal - high usage Blackberry owners.

"The results were startling and extremely alarming" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick -Head of neuroscientific data analysis for the institute.

He stated; "I won't bore you with the elaborate stem cortex graph analysis data -or the comprehensive back-up documentation regarding behavioral pathology and emotional deconstruction - along with the acute alteration of logic and emotional circuitry in the cerebral cortex -caused by this device in the hands of high user Alpha males."

Dr. Pipick continued; "But i will say that what we call "Assumptive Logic Pathology" -Which is a mental disorder common to 87% of those in our study - where they are making judgements based on a minimal percentage of the data they are receiving (that info contained in the first paragraph of the Blackberry communiques) -

"BUT - their brains -which have evolved a logical paradigm for more detailed and semi-comprehensive information analysis over millions of years -is being frustrated and -how shall i say it in non technical terms? --In German, Freud called it --Ungershtupped mitten horst manureschweigen infoschlacken"

He concluded; "In other words -stuffed and confused - or overloaded with horsehit information!"

"Can you give us an example of "Assumptive Logical Pathology " Dr. Pipick?" - Asked digibandit Science Reporter -Elise Mandelbaum.

"YES! -here's a typical one - A Television program developer received an urgent email from his aged Mother's heart specialist in which the first words on the Blackberry were "Have idea which you will find important and crucial"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The busy emotionally overloaded program executive quickly sent back a message after getting what he thought was the info gist of the communique "Sorry Doc -too busy to deal with elevator concepts (quicky creative concepts) from you"

"WELL -What the program executive failed to read was the part of the message which said; " Your Mom in coma! -Severe heart attack ! -Need immediate approvalfor radical new stent implantation!"

Dr Pipick concluded; "AND this will Kill ya Elise! -The Dr's next email back to the TV Development big shot said -- in the first three words of a message explaining the DEATH of our programmer's mother: "Mom is gone..... "

"AND the guy sends the Dr. back a quicky Blackberry shot -"Hey Doc! -There are three shows on the air right now about Mothers yaddadada -please give me a break here -- OH! -And how's my mother doing?"

First Recorded Case Of "Coyote Leg" Reported

2010-12-28T11:39:00.000-08:00

A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.

Mr. Orbach stated for the record; " I opened my eyes and when i saw it/her and i started to scream but was able to muffle it right away - THEN realizing how entangled we were -and in a complete state of panic and hysteria that i might awaken her/it - and be forced to engage it - I did the manly thing and went right for my arm - not realizing i was gnawing through my leg before it was too late"

He continued; "Fortunately i was able to extricate myself from under her and crawl away for help -and praise be to the lord that she was still zonked out enough that she didn't awaken - or i would have had to kill myself"

Moishe Pipick - president of World Wide Coyote Arm International praised Mr. Orbach for his courage -and said;

"Manny Orbach is a testimonial to the power and pride of ALL Men and we at WWCA are making sure he will receive the latest in prosthetic surgery and rehabilitation -and are awarding him The Coyote Arm (and now Leg) Legion of Honor -which carries a cash prize of one million dollars along with the many sponsor endorsements which are already coming his way"

He concluded; "However - we are not formally endorsing 'Coyote Leg" and recommend that you take a minute to get your bearings - take a deap breath -and go for the ARM!"

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids

2010-12-20T09:26:00.000-08:00

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We have finally completed -and just in time for XMas - the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull',

“It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty maybe thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment.

‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now you have got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight - the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky One.

At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment -especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children - our most precious resource - to shape and sructure their lives as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art.

And - so - coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero.

Watch Your Children Closely

2010-12-19T13:13:00.000-08:00

Remember what happened last Christmas?

XMas 2009 -Digibandit Exclusive

Santa Claus Charged With Sodomizing Elves Last Christmas

Santa arrived back in the North Pole after a long night of gift giving to find himself taken into custody by the Polar Police -his Reindeer quarantined and his sled impounded -as hundreds of elves with torches and pitchforks screamed "Santa is a pervert!"

Meyer Lansky the North Pole Chief of Police stated; 'Santa has been taken into custody because of DNA evidence and testimony alleging that he was routinely sodomizing both his.male and female elves - and maybe even his Reindeers?

He said: "And we are asking all parents to watch their children this Christmas day for any evidence of unusual or frightful .behavior"

"For example -If they are afraid to open their presents or cry at the sight of milk and cookies "

"Merry Christmas"

Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions

2010-12-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

MEN -FROM AROUND THE WORLD - WHO HAVE CHEWED OFF THEIR ARM SO AS TO NOT RISK WAKING THE "BEAST" THEY FOUND SNUGGLED UP NEXT TO THEM AFTER A DRUNKEN NIGHT OF PARTYING - JOINED TOGETHER IN BASIL SWITZERLAND TODAY -TO CELEBRATE THEIR COLLEGIAL HONOR AND BRAVERY -AND TO WARN "MEN EVERYWHERE" OF THE POTENTIAL CONSEQUENCES OF "DRUNKEN PASSION".

Moishe Pipick - Leader of the UCAF (Universal Coyote Arm federation) - chosen for being the first man to chew off BOTH arms when he woke up with TWINS - who in his words. "Defied description" announced:

"Men who have lost an arm in the service of drunken passion - bear witness and testimony to our eternal weakness for "Drunken sex" and the price some of us must pay for the dignity of All men Everywhere!"

Mr. Pipick went on; "And while there has been an attempt by the women marching outside our gathering to establish a "Coyote Arm" organization of their own -we can see by the number of one armed women marching - that they have a limited following"

"And - we have it on good sources - that most of those one armed women were the victims of MEN who got their arms mixed up"

"And in conclusion" - said Pipick -"I am so proud to see the growing numbers of TWO ARM Coyote Men". -"It takes great courage to chew off both arms - And we salute them!"

Fox Anounces "Die Laughing"

2010-12-05T10:25:00.000-08:00

"Hey -Laughter is the best medicine and in our upcoming new Reality Program "Die laughing" --terminally ill patients are gonna get mega doses of Comic Radiation -right in their Death Beds - at Deaths Door!"

So sayeth Mike (The Midget) Schlocker - Fox TV president -in Hollywood today.

"Holy cow Mike!" said Bandit Entertainment reporter Elise Mandelbaum "You are going to exploit terminally patients in a Reality Show?"

"Exploit?" -"Hold on to your size D Jewish cups Elise! -We have already brought half a dozen terminally ill patients back from the Grim Reaper's grasp in our test pilot"

"Bullshit Mike!" said Elise.

Schlocker replied; "Let me introduce ya to Moishe Pipick who already had his feeding tube removed over at Cedars Sinai when Ben Morrison a local stand up comic did a special 'Die Laughing ' routine at Moishe's bedside -tell em what happened Moishe?"

Moishe exclaimed; "Well -i vas riding up to Heaven on a bright light ven i hear "So Moishe - did you hear about the old Jew who had brain cancer and his wife tried to put chicken soup in his ears and..."

Moishe went on: "well suddenly i heard a few more Death Jokes and before you know it i was awake -AND after an MRI and a Scat Scan my Neurologist said my brain tumor had totally disappeared!"

Schlocker said; And - we know this "Die Laughing" approach can save folks and it's gonna be one hell of a funny show!"

Elise said; "Well it would be so wonderful if you could actually use tragic comedy to save folks Mike"

Schlocker concluded; "But if it don't get ratings we'll have to pull the plug on it --heh heh heh -heh heh heh - pull the plug -get it? heh heh heh!"

Visa Announces "Shop Only" -Shop Til You Drop" Card

2010-12-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

WANT TO GET THAT "SHOPPER'S HIGH" WITHOUT ACTUALLY SPENDING A DIME?

Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?

Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?

Well - with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks

And you high roller's can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars in credits for a paltry three hundred bucks.

So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.

And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and friends - getting yet another " consumption fix" - for free - when you open them.

And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Pipick's "Shopped" us for our housewarming." As your friend unwraps and reads the gift description - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".

And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!

Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!

Injun Chief With Pilgrim in Heaven --Thanksgiving 2010

2010-11-24T16:22:00.000-08:00

Chief Whitefish -"Look Pilgrim what has happened since you fucked us back then - My people have Casinos and loads of bling and their children go to Harvard and drive BMW trucks and our wives have Gucci luggage - And your people have no jobs and are losing their houses and your druggy children have to leave college and live at home and your wives are desperate for sex and bling and security.

Pilgrim John Smith -You are still a bunch of fucking savages!

Happy Thanksgiving (what goes around)

The Digibandit: Fox Announces "Celebrity Airport Screening Gone Wi...

2010-11-24T11:03:00.001-08:00

The Digibandit: Fox Announces "Celebrity Airport Screening Gone Wi...: "'It's wild all right!' announced Fox Tv President Mikey Schlocker in Hollywood today: 'This will blow your socks off -(along with every oth..."

The Digibandit: Fox Announces "Celebrity Airport Screening Gone Wi...

2010-11-24T11:03:00.000-08:00

Fox Announces "Celebrity Airport Screening Gone Wild"

2010-11-24T09:08:00.000-08:00

"It's wild all right!" announced Fox Tv President Mikey Schlocker in Hollywood today:

"This will blow your socks off -(along with every other article of clothing heh heh heh) Because we have purchased the XlT1000 Super Security Scanner which El Al Air uses to scan the Habibs who are constantly trying to blow up Israeli passengers - and it's the best!"

He went on: "I mean you can see a spot on a nipple like it's a bowling ball AND SO - We at Fox Reality Television are using this fun technology to create a Celebrity Game Show"

"How's it work Mikey?" asked digibandit Hollywood Reporter Elise Mandelbaum.

"Good question Elise" -"Let's say we show pictures of say six hotties -lncluding you -in bikinis - And then we run you all through the scanner AND Then - The contestants have to pick which pair of bodaceous ta ta's are YOURS"

Elise replied; -"So - you see MY breasts in a bikini along with five other women and then the audience sees our actual breasts in the Screener and then they have to select which are mine - Only n the show they would be trying to pick the actual Celebrity's Breasts?"

"You nailed it Elise - and we certainly would want to have a strong array of ta ta's like yours in the screener (heh heh) OH -I wanted to call the show " Million Dollar - Whose Tit's Are They Anyway" - BUT my genius kids in the programming department explained that we will be extending the contest to Celebrity Asses and Scrotums which brings in a much wider audience"

"But Mike?" asked Elise "With all the concern about these screeners and privacy issues right now -isn't that a concern for Fox?"

"Absolutely!" replied Schlocker -- "AND when American's see these magnificent tits ans asses and nut sacks of Celebrities up on the TV screen with all those other folks body parts -in a fun Gane Show environment - We just KNOW that the whole issue of embarrassment will disappear overnight."

He concluded: "And what's good for national Security -Is good for Fox Television!"

Tough Audience

2010-11-20T07:37:00.000-08:00

Satellite TV programs such as those broadcast on Farsi 1 destroy the chastity and honor of our families and encourage the young to take up lovemaking, wine drinking and Satan worship."
MOHAMMAD-TAGHI RAHBAR, a member of Iran's Parliament, on comedies and dramas broadcast from Dubai into Iran by the News Corporation and a prominent Afghan family.

What they need is a game show -maybe "The Stone Is Right" where these stone age morons can compete in killing their local "Satanic Hussies" and win luxurious prizes like dynamite and toilet paper?

Or maybe "Desperate Shiite Houswives of Iran" where wives and mothers compete in begging their husbands for huge favors -like not being abused and demeaned and totally marginalized.

Or maybe even
"Is Your Goat Smarter Than The Local Mullah?"

No wonder these Fundamentalist Muslims are so cranky! -They have nothing to watch but each other's fucking misery.

World Leaders Overheard Dissing Republicans

2010-11-15T11:49:00.000-08:00

A leaked recording of a private conference has been obtained by digibandit European Burea Chief Moishe Pipick who could not release the names due to a confidentiality agreement BUT Here are some comments from world leaders regarding the incoming class of 100 new freshman Congressional Republicans:

"This has to be the stupidest group of American legislators in their history"

"Fucking unqualified morons -couldn't get elected dog catcher here"

"Ignorant -incompetent -inexperienced -ideologues and religious wackos"

"God help us - they are a bunch of uneducated gun toting assholes"

"Just wait -they will be fucking everything that walks -stealing and grabbing and making fools of themselves"

"The American people have just fucked themselves ROYALLY -they where better off under King George"

"These schmucks make Bush look like a Rhodes Scholar -a bunch of Bible belting Neanderthals"

"Fox news is gonna have a field day with this group of complete assholes"

SO -we asked Moishe Pipick; "Did you get the feeling that the rest of the world thinks we've gone backwards in our Political efficacy?"

"What!" -"Have you been listening!" -"They think America has opened up it's mental institutions and given the loonies a shot at governing"

Stay tuned -and buy gold and drugs and ammo.

Joh McCaine Created 'PalinStein" AND The Tea Party Jerks

2010-10-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin was just another goofy incompetent vainglorious local hick/celebrity when a desperate and senile Senator Mc Caine raised her from the "Politically Dead" -And transformed her into:

"PalinStein" -a far more dangerous monstor than Frankie ever was!

BECAUSE -when the angry masses got to see an ignorant simplistic populist on the National Political Stage - They discovered their Alaskan Joan of Arc!

A fundamentalist with a big mouth and a small intellect -An ideologue full of populist jingo wingo cleche's- AND - with a "wonderfully" wacko family and a macho wacko -meat eatin God fearin -Wolf killing gun totin nutso Hubby.

So -THEN - The rich and powerful who always know how to spot a thoroughbred to lead their charge in exploiting the weak and the poor WITH the backing of the weak and the poor -AND who never find out they are getting fucked by themselves -led by themselves -until it'a too late:

Cranked up the Tea Party and financed it's wacko candidtes with their big Conservative Republican bucks so they can resume control of Congress from the progressives:

AND - then Go back to fucking the poor and the weak with a vengeance like they did under GW for 8 years.

And hey you morons -They couldn't do it without ya!

In the words of Joe Fogherty; "Gonna be a long hard night before it's done"

Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Three Years Ago

2010-10-23T11:58:00.000-07:00

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 07, 2007
Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas Is A Disgrace
Sworn testimony of Professor Anita Hill at Thomas' judicial hearings -- as follows:

"One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office," she said. "He got up from the table at which we are working, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and said, 'Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?' On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal, and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex." Another time, she said, he talked about a movie called "Long Dong Silver."

That was just a small portion of the testimony by Anita Hill, a professor of social policy, law and women’s studies at Brandeis University, and a visiting scholar at the Newhouse Center for the Humanities at Wellesley College -- which unfortunately was ignored by the good ole boys in Congress -- and "Long Dong" was confirmed by one vote ( the smallest margin in history) and took his place as the worst Supreme Court Justice in history - and a disgrace to all African American's.

Professor Hill said about "Dong's" new book "My Grandfather's Son" -- "Justice Thomas’s characterization of me is also hobbled by blatant inconsistencies. He claims, for instance, that I was a mediocre employee who had a job in the federal government only because he had “given it” to me. He ignores the reality: I was fully qualified to work in the government, having graduated from Yale Law School (his alma mater, which he calls one of the finest in the country), and passed the District of Columbia Bar exam, one of the toughest in the nation

.In 1981, when Mr. Thomas approached me about working for him, I was an associate in good standing at a Washington law firm. In 1991, the partner in charge of associate development informed Mr. Thomas’s mentor, Senator John Danforth of Missouri, that any assertions to the contrary were untrue. Yet, Mr. Thomas insists that I was “asked to leave” the firm."

Justice Thomas is a sick fuck - and he's got one of the most powerful jobs in America -- for life!

It's time to change the law which gives lifetime job security to Supreme Court Justices - and which eliminates any possibility to rectify a huge mistake - like Justice Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas.

Clarence Thomas -Freako Porno Supremo Court Justice

2010-10-23T11:33:00.000-07:00

Read this NY Times report and then join in the "March to Castrate Justice Clarence Thomas"

WASHINGTON — Lillian McEwen is not one of the women whose name is generally associated with Justice Clarence Thomas and his contentious confirmation hearings for a Supreme Court seat.
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But now, at age 65 and retired from a long legal career, with nothing to lose and a book to sell, Ms. McEwen is ready for that to change.

This week’s news that his wife, Virginia, had left voice mail for Anita Hill, asking her to apologize for “what you did with my husband” at the confirmation hearings, gave Ms. McEwen an unexpected opportunity to talk about Justice Thomas, the man she was romantically involved with for “six or seven years” in the 1980s. The phone call, she said in an interview Friday, makes sense to her.

For Ms. Thomas, she said, the accusation of sexual harassment made by Ms. Hill “still has to be a mystery, that he is still angry about this and upset about it after all these years, and I can understand that she would want to know why, and solve a problem if she could — I mean, acting as a loyal wife.”

But Ms. McEwen said she knew a different Clarence Thomas, one whom she recognized in the 1991 testimony of Ms. Hill, who claimed that he had repeatedly made inappropriate sexual comments to her at work, including descriptions of pornographic films.

Ms. McEwen said that pornography for Justice Thomas was “just a part of his personality structure.” She said he kept a stack of pornographic magazines, “frequented a store on Dupont Circle that catered to his needs,” and allowed his interest in pornography to bleed into his professional relationships.

“It starts inside,” she said, tapping her head during a 30-minute interview inside her three-story condominium in Southwest Washington. “And then your behavior flows from what it is that’s important to you. That’s what happened with him, certainly.”

Justice Thomas, through a Supreme Court spokeswoman, Kathy Arberg, declined to comment.

Ms. McEwen, who said she was surprised not to be subpoenaed by either side, did not testify about Justice Thomas at his confirmation hearings. She said she never received a response from a note she wrote to Senator Joseph R. Biden Jr., who was running the hearings and with whom she had worked as a lawyer for the Judiciary Committee. She said the note, sent after Justice Thomas was nominated, reminded Mr. Biden that she knew the nominee.

“The hearings themselves were so constrained — the questioning, the subject matter — the scope of the hearings didn’t really allow for any kind of treatment of the issues that had been raised,” she said. “The kind of Clarence I knew at the time that these events occurred is the kind of Clarence that did not emerge from the hearings, I’ll say that. It was not him, and he probably would not have been on the court if the real Clarence had actually been revealed.”

But now Ms. McEwen, who first spoke to The Washington Post for an article published Friday, is ready to talk about the man she says is the “real Clarence,” or at least the one she knew intimately. After retiring in 2007, Ms. McEwen began working on a memoir, which she completed this year. Ms. McEwen also spoke with ABC News.

The book, tentatively called “All About Me,” focuses on her childhood in the District, but she said Justice Thomas appears “in probably about 20 to 25 percent of the pages in the book, because he was a significant part of my life for many years.”

However, what may be the biggest scoop in her book — the private details of her contact with Justice Thomas — may also prove the biggest challenge in getting it published. She said that some agents have not gotten back to her, and others have said “it’s just not the kind of book that they are particularly enthusiastic about, a lot of it having to do with the fact that Clarence is included.”

Though Ms. McEwen still seems to get upset discussing Justice Thomas at times, she said she was the one who ended the relationship.

“He was changing and I didn’t like it,” she said. “He was just becoming obsessed with campaigning for the president and interviewing with reporters and raising his child in a way I didn’t like. It’s a combination of obsessed, ambitious, irritable and bullying that was just too much for me.”

Ms. McEwen has generally kept a low profile all these years, largely out of respect for the wishes of Justice Thomas, who asked her to “take the same position toward him that his first wife had taken” and not speak publicly about their relationship. They see each other “sporadically” — the last time they crossed paths, she said, was at a talk he gave at Howard University after his book, “My Grandfather’s Son,” came out in 2007.

“His book had a sense of anger about that whole process, that led me to believe he still carries a grudge, as if he had been victimized somehow, and as if he hadn’t won,” she said. “It was almost as if he were not on the Supreme Court. Like he was kept from it.”

As for Ms. McEwen’s book, she said the process of writing it was therapeutic. She recently showed it to her daughter.

“It was probably T.M.I.,” she said, using the abbreviation for “too much information.” “But that’s the way it is.”

Sorry Anita

Fox TV Announces"Sex With a Chilean Miner"

2010-10-15T11:50:00.000-07:00

"This will be the world's most fantastic Reality Program!" -Said Mike Schlocker,Fox TV President at a press conference in Santiago Chile today standing beside six of the 'Untrapped' miners - who will be the prizes in the new Reality Series.

He announced: "Women will compete to be chosen by these brave (and very horny -heh heh) Chilean heroes."

He went on; "The six finalists will get to have sex with all three of the miners over the course of a weekend in a luxurious Island Resort off the Chilean Coast --AND -get this!"

He proclaimed with great fanfaire -"The Miners will then vote on who was the "mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo" -which means "hottest piece of melted pussy" in Chilean mountain dialect"

He concluded; "The winner will receive one million Chilean pesos (fifteen thousand US dollars)and a Llama -and gets to keep the baby if she becomes pregnant"

What do the Miners get?" asked Elise Mandelbaum from The Hollywood Reporter.

Schlocker replied with a lascivious twinkle in his eyes "Mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo"

Fox TV does it again!

How About A Competency Test For Candidates?

2010-10-14T17:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone is rightfully concerned about how we measure learning progress among our Nation's students and the commensurrate accountability to which we hold learning institutions and teachers.

So -How about a competency test for prospective politiciuans?

I mean a moronic Senator or Congressman can do a lot more damage to our government and National Security than some kid who is failing Math and English.

I'm not talking about advanced intellectual measurement here - I AM suggesting that someone who seeks high political office should be able to demonstrate a significant ability to absorb complicated input -and to intelligently evaluate that information - AND to communicate (orally and in writing) an intelligent response to the inherent issues as presented.

AND a basic general intelligence and psychological exam of the type widely used by Corporations would be administered -- and ALL the results of this testing would be made available to the electorate.

I spoke with Dr. Moishe Pipick who has been analyzing the statements from political candidates running for office in the midterm elections and he stated:

"We at the Institute For Competency Analysis -located here in Berne, Switzerland -have just completed a preliminary analysis of both Republicans and Democrats and it is clear that on the Republican side we are looking at folks who are basically inferior in all modes of intellect and knowledge absorption -problem solving and analytical skills -AND seriously deficient in general learning accumulation - AND are sub inferior in logic and decision making skills"

"So in plain Englisg Doctor Pipick?" said Elise Mandelbaum the Digibandit Washington Bureau Chief.

"He replied " They are a bunch of fucking morons! -They should all be tested and the results made public."

The Dr. concluded; "Oh Elise -and based on our findings we seriously recommend including some key lie detecting questions for ALL Tea Party candidates."

"Like What?" - Doctor Pipick concluded:

"Have you ever masturbated while talking with God?"

"I Can't Aim With Your Penis In My Butt"

2010-10-12T15:18:00.000-07:00

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:

He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat.

And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:

"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your pecker is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh"

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.

I mean - the two gay's are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a hummer (not the vehicle) while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting corn holed and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the gay's start corn holing the enemy -oye vey!

This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade Newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your buddy under the current "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

So maybe we should just leave things alone until there is complete peace on earth?

OR we go with an ALL Gay Military whicccch i would personally prefer just for the laughs.

Fox TV Announces "Candid Catholic Confessions"

2010-10-06T21:10:00.000-07:00

Mike Harnell -Fox Reality President announced "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor -today and stated:

"Fox has got a lot of balls, in addition to being cutting edge creative! Our new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience."

"What a breakthrough!" -- "Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Harnell.

Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" He said "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!

" Father Konfessor says -- "Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty - so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -AND won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck the flock!" said Gruesome -"It will be bigger than Idol!"

"AND"He concluded; "The FLOCK is more worried about the Priests fucking their kids"

Your Wife IS a MORON Todd

2010-10-06T17:52:00.000-07:00

Todd Palin wrote that his wife had put herself "on the line for Joe and yet he can't answer a simple question."
"Joe, please explain how this endorsement stuff works, is it to be completely one sided," he wrote. "Sarah spent all morning working on a Face book post for Joe, she won't use it, not now."

Hey Tod -Joe Miller knows what most NORMAL folks know:

If it takes ALL morning to write a Facebook email endorsing Joe Miller -How long will it take her to get the gist on a Presdent's morning National Security Meeting?

I mean she might consider a time management course along with the brain transplant required for her to become President.

Just be thankful that Miller didn't say what he really meant:

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

Hey Tod -get back on your doggy sled and get the little woman and the kids and go kill some fucking wolves.

Morons Running Amuck

2010-10-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

Hey -it's ok - we average folks have many desireable and positive attributes BUT Solving the thorniest problems of practical existence ain't one of them.

AND -THAT'S why we try to elect folks who have the brains and depth of character and inate intelligence and education and experience and track records of accomplishment -To do THAT FOR us.

That's why an electorate without the ability to just fucking realize (maybe when they hear Hillary or Obama or Gates or Geithner -or any member of Obama's Cabinet speak to the critical issues of the day)) that Sarah Palin and that ilk are incompetent lightweights who live in the realm of demagoguery and intellectual vagaries - WIll be the death of this great country. ( Fish die and stink from the head down)

Used to be us average morons knew our place - avoiding that far away universe where intellect and competency reign-and usually did not venture out their because it was downright scary (but also respected and hallowed intellectual ground) - A very smart value system that usually prevented psycho crackpots like Palin and Christine O'Donell from becoming legitimate candidates)

BUT BUT BUT - Now the morons are watching fifty hours of crap on TV every week and they think they are as sharp as those quick witted asshole characters - created by clever writers - that they admire and emulate.

It's one great big world of shrewd and light hearted and light brained one liners -AND simplistic social networkesque answers to everything.

AND - when coupled with the brain numbing novacaine of good ole American Christian Moral and Intellectual certitude - Bronze Age mentality begins to become the disorder of the day.

As it turns the common folk towards a dangerous state of delusional denial that is:

Into a thinking and thoughtful and knowledgeable group of people - Who are still only morons!

Think NUTHOUSE

Forgetting How Relatively Stupid You Are

2010-10-02T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey -it's ok - we average folks have many desireable and necessary attributes BUT Solving the thorniest problems of practical existence ain't one of them.

AND -THAT'S why we try to elect folks who have the brains and depth of character and inate intelligence and education and experience and track records of accomplishment -To do THAT FOR us.

That's why an electorate without the ability to just fucking realize (maybe when they hear Hillary or Obama or Gates or Geithner -or any member of Obama's Cabinet speak to the critical issues of the day)) that Sarah Palin and that ilk are incompetent lightweights who live in the realm of demagoguery and intellectual vagaries - WIll be the death of this great country. ( Fish die and stink from the head down)

Used to be us average morons knew our place - avoiding that far away universe where intellect and competency reign-and usually did not venture out their because it was downright scary (but also respected and hallowed intellectual ground) - A very smart value system that usually prevented psycho crackpots like Palin and Christine O'Donell from becoming legitimate candidates)

BUT BUT BUT - Now the morons are watching fifty hours of crap on TV every week and they think they are as sharp as those quick witted asshole characters - created by clever writers - that they admire and emulate.

It's one great big world of shrewd and light hearted and light brained one liners -AND simplistic social networkesque answers to everything.

AND - when coupled with the brain numbing novacaine of good ole American Christian Moral and Intellectual certitude - Bronze Age mentality begins to become the disorder of the day.

As it turns the common folk towards a dangerous state of delusional denial that is:

Into a thinking and thoughtful and knowledgeable group of people - Who are still only morons!

Think NUTHOUSE

Vulgarity An Underutilized Diplomacy Weapon

2010-09-19T11:23:00.000-07:00

Now if i were to say that Iran cannot be allowed Nuclear Weapons for the same reasons that you would not give a psychopathic escapee from The California Prison for the Criminally Insane -five gallons of a toxic biological agent -AND a map to the Los Angeles Aqueduct:

I would be accused of a misguided and inappropriate metaphor (even though everyone knows that is why those Maniacal - Death Worshiping Mullahs can never become Nuclear Weapon enriched)

BUT -If Secretary Clinton were to stand up in the United Nations General Assembly and state with conviction:

"Let's cut the crap! -I would rather have Ahmadinejad suck on my beaver -or bang Chelsea -Than for him to ever get control of a nuclear weapon -AND that goes for their whole fucking lunatic Islamofascist Regime"

And then if Obama reinforced that with:

"I'm with Hillary one-hundred percent and can honestly say that i would rather have The Ayatollah Komeini impregnate Michelle -Than for those Fascist Stone Age Mullahs get within range of a Nuclear Missile -UNLESS it was incoming from Tel Aviv!"

OH! Oh! and let's not forget the irrepressible VP Joe Biden who might add: "I can honestly add to those crystal clear comments that i would rather be gang raped in Delaware State Penitentiary -and have my wife be sodomized by A fucking savage Iranian Revolutionary Guard Member -than allow Iran to obtain Nuclear Weapons"

Let me Tell ya -- The debate would end right there and we would be the heroes of the whole fucking world that is worth giving a flying fuck about for calling it straight for ONCE!

Ah -there i go cursing again.

"My Opponent Sucks!" THAT'S My Ad AND I Approved The Message

2010-09-14T15:23:00.000-07:00

AS long as snarling advertising messages - designed to burn some ignorant Populist message onto the cerebral cortex of the ill informed and basically lame brain voters:

Continue to function as the primary source for these schmucks in deciding who will get their vote - and lead the country:

Why should the candidates waste time and money?

Just saturate the airwaves with ubiquitous crispy one liners like:

"John Cornyn Is a Red Neck corrupt Moron"

"Harry Reid Sucks Mormon Boners"

"Nancy Pelosi Takes It Up The Gazoo"

"Obama Is A Shiite Imam"

"Mitch McConnel Sucks off Rush Limbaugh"

" Jerkoff Sarah Palin Got A Combined 600 On Her SAT's"

"Sharon Engle Is A Brush Eater"

"Faggot Barney Frank Don't Own A Gun"

"Diane Feinstein Owns A Burka"

"Congreesman Pipick's Tribe Killed Jesus"

"Barbara Boxer Uses A Giant Vibrator"

I mean - most political campaigns have already dumbed down to the ignorant levels of most voters:

So why not just cut out all the pretense of providing useful info to the ignorant voting masses -AND make the ads what they really are:

Fucking horseshit for idiots!

In America It's Ok To Burn Bibles AND The Flag And Your Bra

2010-09-11T11:31:00.000-07:00

We should build a fifty foot stack of Old and New Testaments AND include lots of those Goofy Mormon texts too - Throw in copies of The Dao The Bahgada-Gita -Ancient Buddhist texts --The Talmud and even a ton of Great Western literature AND top it off with a few hundred American Flags AND Throw in some Bra's just for fun:

Pour gasoline on generously -AND light it up at night in front of The White House and dance around it in a great big celebration of American FREEDOM and ENLIGHTENMENT:

A demonstration to the world's wackos (and our homegrown Fundamentalists) THAT;

These are just THINGS - The principles they embody become meaningful only through behavior.

No beheadings No stoning --No calls for indiscriminate armed slaughter -- No psychopathic rhetoric or the maniacal drumbeats of Priests and Prophets (except the Beck -Palin Limbaugh - Baynor crowd in America of course)

Because -They are ONLY fucking THINGS AND WE know the difference between an act of non violent symbolism - AND (In Gainsville,Fla.) an act performed by a handful of morons who don't represent American intent (Led by a loony Pastor) --AND

If such an act becomes an excuse to rally ignorant socio-pathic Muslims to slaughter and maim and wage war????

THEN -as reprehensible and misguided as that Florida Pastor's inclinations are -- He does make a point!

We cannot be held hostage to Muslim Fundamentalism!

Just imagine if you had a violent and retarded teenager who threatened to chop you up or stone you to death if you listened to music? - If you didn't wear a body cloak? -If you Criticized a Book? - If you were gay ? --If you had an extramarital affair? -If you watched a sexy movie? -If you wore makeup? If you masturbated? The list is endless!

Would you say; "Oh sorry Johnny - that seems a tad unreasonable but ok I really don't want to piss you off"

Hey - if he's bigger and stronger than you - you might want to wait till you're out of the house and seek protection if you can --BUT:

When you are the strongest nation in the history of Civilization -and being existentially threatened by a gang of Bronze age thugs and their scko Religious leaders?

You throw them out a fucking window!

In America It's Ok To Burn Bibles AND The Flag

2010-09-08T12:55:00.000-07:00

We should build a fifty foot stack of Old and New Testaments AND include lots of those Moronic Mormon texts too - Throw in copies of The Dao The Bahgadfa-Gita and even a ton of Great Western literature AND top it off with a few hundred American Flags AND:

Pour gasoline on generously -AND light it up at night in front of The White House and dance around it in a great big celebration of American FREEDOM and ENLIGHTENMENT:

A demonstration to the world's wackos (and our homegrown Fundamentalists) THAT;

These are just BOOKS - The principles they embody become meaningful only through behavior.

No beheadings no stoning --No calls for indiscriminate armed slaughter -- No psychopathic rhetoric or the maniacal drumbeats of Priests and Prophets (except the Beck -Palin Limbaugh - Baynor crowd in America of course)

Because -They are ONLY fucking books AND WE know the difference between an act of non violent symbolism and say - an act performed by a handful of morons who don't represent American intent --AND

An act which becomes an excuse to slaughter and maim and wage war by millions of psycho Muslims.

Which is why -as reprehensible and misguided as that Florida Pastor's inclinations are -- He does make a point!

3 Blind Mice - Faith Hope and Charity

2010-09-05T10:50:00.000-07:00

St. Paul’s three abiding guides in the Bible: faith, hope and charity. Mr. Beck told viewers that he walked dazed from the studio, gripped by a new theme. -- His crisis was ending. “I see the landing strip,” he declared. He would apply organizing techniques from the civil rights movement. On the 47th anniversary of Dr. King’s “I Have a Dream” speech, he would bestow citizenship medals for faith, hope and charity.

So if the Republican's/ TheTea Party/ Religioso et. al. - with their Anti intellectual -Anti progressive, master plan -- Based on FAITH and HOPE and CHARITY appeals to you -then i have a better plan for ya.

Bend over and stick your head up your ass where it rightfully belongs -Buried in a dark and smelly hole - Where the light of intelligently designed plans -formulated by disciplined and experienced problem solvers - cannot - and will NEVER shine!

And may god bless you -AND keep you -right there -On Glen Beck's landing strip - From whence you will NEVER take off.

Nagging Israeli Wives Will Kill Palestinian Peace Talks

2010-09-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"

" Becky! But Becky! - Abe cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"

"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."

" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"

"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"

"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"

"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:

" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"

'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"

So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.

Fox TV Announces "Dress The Dwarfs"

2010-09-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Mike (a Dwarf himself)Harnell -ex Prexy of Fox Reality TV -and who is trying to redeem his career with a slew of hit shows ("Dancing With Disabilities" and "Studsy The Queer Bull" for Gay children, among others) -announced from his office in the Venice Beach Bar and Grill today:

"So we have all these hit fashion shows and fashion for Fatso women and all -BUT absolutely nothin focusing on Dressing Dwarfs?"

He continued: "Look at my suit -you think it was easy to make a suit like this? -I have two Dwarf tailors and they can -and will - design the asses off any of those fag designers on those other shows! _Just you wait and see!"

Digibandit Hollywood reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked : "Do you really think folks want to see DWARF fashion Mike? -And speaking of asses -how about showin us the new version of your "Hot Booty Dance"

"Ha ha Elise you hot Jewish Princess - if you want to see my "Hot Booty Dance" join the 15 million folks who have watched me on You Tube smack in the act of getting fired from Fox"

"AND - of course folks want to see my Dwarf Fashion show -Because they will get to see Dwarf Tits!"

He concluded: "And no fucking Midgets allowed!"

From Beck's Mouth To God's Ears

2010-08-30T19:14:00.000-07:00

“There’s nothing we can do that will solve the problems that we have and keep the peace unless we solve it through God,” he told “Fox News Sunday.”

He also expressed regret for having asserted last year that Mr. Obama was a racist with a “deep-seated hatred for white people,” a comment that many critics felt undercut Mr. Beck’s assertion of racial tolerance.

“It was poorly said — I have a big fat mouth sometimes,” Mr. Beck said.

Glen Beck has NO concrete ideas -A complete abscence of intellect and wisdom - He is a mean spirited ideologue -A Mormon rabble rouser in the mold of Joseph Smith the Charlatan founder of The Mormons AND:

Along with the ignorant rabble of Bible belters and fellow ideologues like Sarah Palin they have demonstrated to all sensible American's -AND the World - The stark difference between the voices of compassion and reason and thoughtfullness -and the fear and anger and lack of wisdom that inhabit a significant portion of humanity.

Dreary expletives and an idiotic ideology fraught with populist generalities that inhibits rationale problem solving real progress and social justice is their Mantra..

Always been that way with that crowd -Always will

Do Muslim Suicide Bombers Go To Paradise?

2010-08-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

Look --The Muslims in NYC have EVERY moral and legal right established since before the Magna Carta to build their fucking Mosque at Ground Zero.

Build away! -Most Americans who are fired up over this are complete assholes -BUT -they are rightfully sick to their stomachs at seeing Muslims blow each other and American Soldiers to pieces because some ignorant and repressed Muslim religious leader says it's ok - And that they will be rewarded by Allah and sent directly to Paradise"

"Hi I'm Allah -meet Mohamma -Welcome and nice job -take a swim -get your dick sucked by a Virgin - let me show you around"

OK -Let's cut the crap -NOW is the time! -Let's heae a great crying out from World Muslim Religious leaders and all those Muslims who REALLY are our friends - That killing innocent civilians -for whatever motivation -is a Koranic No No -and you will be barred from Paradise forever for any such actions

OTHERWISE - pack your bags and get out of Dodge while the getting is good!

Unreasonable and unfair and undemocratic as many American's are behaving -and unfortunately motivated by morons like Palin and Lazio and Limbaugh et al -- They have a right to be confused and pissed off by the barbarism they see taking place in the Muslim world --SO --C'mon -show us the truth and magnitude of morality inherent in YOUR Bible -So that we are sure about it!

Be reasonable -it's not asking a lot to ask you Muslims to prevent your holy book from being used as a tool to endanger Civilization.

Hey -when the rednecks were enslaving and lynching black foklks in America they were spouting Scripture -BUT we had a war over that and 600 thousand Americans were killed in the process of beginning to set things right.

You folks gotta start the ball rolling about stopping the justification for suicide bombing coming out of The Koran!

THATS the Focus for all the nice Muslims we keep hearing about --AND NOW!

Jesus Spotted at "Center of the World" Festival

2010-08-21T10:15:00.000-07:00

Lurine Swarthout - An avid congregant of The "Shepherd of the Mountains Lutheran Church" was attending the annual "Center of the World"Festival in nearbye Pine Mountain Village "when a bright light burst from the heavens and there was Jesus staring down and crying"

At least a dozen other spectators claim to have seen the same vision -and many more said they heard celestial bells and one man said he felt a tingling in his groin.

Sunday is the final day of the Festival and word is spreading quickly that Jesus is in attendance.

The owners of the Pine Mountain Club grocery store -local bar and gas station have all claimed to have clearly seen the Saviour walking around the festival grounds -and the Gas Station proprietor is adament about having spotted the Virgin Mary's face on one of his gas pumps.

WELL - SOMETHING is up - up there in Pine Mountain Club Village -- and we'll have more on this tomorrow.

In the meantime if you're planning on checking out the action you better allow at least twelve hours to drive from Los Angeles up to Pine Mountain Club as Pilgrimages are already being organized.

One other thing -Jesus being spotted crying in a location directly adjacent to The San Andreus fault Line -May not be the best of Omens?

Or maybe it was the drumming?

"Blackberry Brain Disease" Afflicting Millions

2010-08-20T10:52:00.000-07:00

GW Was Right About "Uteroil" C'mon Obama!

2010-08-15T11:24:00.000-07:00

Two years ago GW had the answer to the Fossil Fuel/Climate Change crisis - as i reported to the fury of the Moronic Religious Rednecks:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 2008
Major Breakthrough In Fossil Fuel Replacement -- Uteroil

The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.

"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."

He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."

"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.

He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"

President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"

When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."

"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."

As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."

Too late!

My Answer To The Unemployment Crisis

2010-08-10T16:06:00.000-07:00

We’re not heading toward the danger zone. We’re there. The U.S. will not remain a stable society if this great employment crisis is not addressed head-on — and soon. You cannot allow joblessness on this scale to fester. It’s wrong, and the blowback will be as destructive and intolerable as it is inevitable -Bob Herbert NY Times

SO -it's simple and necessary -EVERY profitable US corporation AND all Americans with savings and assets totalling above one million dollars :

HAS to hire a required number of the unemployed -Based on an equitable formula --a percentage of their assets -to be determined by Congress..

The Corporations are rolling in dough and loving this new -high productivity -squeeze the shit out of the employees paradigm!

And the rich can afford to hire some folks! --It won't even put a dent in their lifestyles --hire some tutors and maybe even some spiritual mentors --Lordy knows the kids AND the parents need emotional assistance in this fucked up society.

Or you can sit idly by and hire security guards later.

The revolucion may be coming?

Fox TV Announces - "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver"

2010-08-09T10:09:00.000-07:00

Mike Schlocknell Fox Reality Tv President related a story his Maternal Russian Grandfather -Moishe Pipick used to tell them as kids:

"Now children this is a fable called "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver" BUT
It's what adults call a metaphor - meaning an example of something else -and in this case the Beaver is an example of a kind of woman we call in Russian "Gevaltnish Pussy -or '"Killer Woman" -or "Killer Pussy -and it's about eating them before they destroy the trees - a metaphor for eating (or destroying) YOU - OR it's ok to just EAt them but don't get involved which is too advanced for you at five years old -but anyway -- "The Beaver was lying in the pond on her back and along comes...."

Schlocknell continued: "So - Hewlitt Packard's CEO is just the latest victim of the "Beaver Trap" Another high rolling power brokering -super successful Alpha Male -reduced to cowering in front of John Q Pulic - out there looking for blood and schadenfreude and a good ole Beaver Trapped - Gotcha! - tale of demise."

"AND - we're gonna give the folks out there in TV land a lot of red meat and blood and guts to soothe their insatiable appetite for stories about Celebrities and Politicians -and Business Moguls torn apart by the endless hordes of Hot Beavers out there ready to tear the balls off any Powerful Buck who shows a sign of weakness."

"Mark V Hurd getting torn apart by Jodie Fisher is just the latest example of a long list of "Prime Bulls" to be denutted by a savage Beaver -And At Fox TV -THEY won't just be eaten and forgotten"

"Save a tree -EAT a Beaver!" Summer of 2011

Fox TV Announces - "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver"

2010-08-09T08:56:00.000-07:00

Dog Hating Muslims Should Be Deported

2010-08-08T08:48:00.000-07:00

First of all any group that believes that dogs are ritually unclean -especially one known for it's lack of sanitation and personal hygiene -AND who live in a country with 83 million dog owners/lovers is asking for trouble.

AND -all the Muslims and their spiritual leaders have a responsibility to speak out against Islamo Fascism -and it would be nice to see at least ONE "March Against Muslim Fundamentalist Butchers" take place somewhere -anywhere -anytime now in America.

Hey you Muslims are dealing with folks who almost wiped out the Jews for a crime they believe some Jew commited 2000 years ago -and refused to let Catholics vote in the original thirteen colonies (except Maryland which was mostly Catholic). AND detained innocent Japanese citizens during WW2 in concentration camps just because they were short.

What the fuck do you think these maniacs are prepared to do to a bunch of folks who don't say boo when their brethren are trying to annihilate us Infidels 24/7.

And you Muslims don't eat BBQ pork and hate dogs and TV and video games and kinky sex - on top of all that other Koranic Violence shit.

Lotsa luck - and take a bath!

The woeful lack of protestation by American Muslims has rightfully led to the morons of The Religious right and the American rednecks to martial their hatred against them-here are some of the latest examples -published in The NY Times:

"In Murfreesboro, Tenn., Republican candidates have denounced plans for a large Muslim center proposed near a subdivision, and hundreds of protesters have turned out for a march and a county meeting.

In late June, in Temecula, Calif., members of a local Tea Party group took dogs and picket signs to Friday prayers at a mosque that is seeking to build a new worship center on a vacant lot nearby.

In Sheboygan, Wis., a few Christian ministers led a noisy fight against a Muslim group that sought permission to open a mosque in a former health food store bought by a Muslim doctor.

At one time, neighbors who did not want mosques in their backyards said their concerns were over traffic, parking and noise — the same reasons they might object to a church or a synagogue. But now the gloves are off.

In all of the recent conflicts, opponents have said their problem is Islam itself. They quote passages from the Koran and argue that even the most Americanized Muslim secretly wants to replace the Constitution with Islamic Shariah law."

Who Cares Whose In The Graves?

2010-08-06T12:12:00.000-07:00

All this hullabaloo about mismarked graves at Arlington National Cemetery seems ridiculous to me.

I mean if i suddenly found out I've been praying over some rotting organic stuff that used to be the body of Moishe Feingold instead of Elise Mandelbaum -my mother -who gives a shit?

It's symbolic right? I mean it's not like Mom is down the lane screaming "No! No!! -I'm over here"

And even if she was conscious down there - i think SHE would think it's funny -and if she is stuck down there rotting away she could sure use a good laugh.

And speaking of laughs -imagine the Lee's are all praying away and paying condolences over private Eustus Clayton - a black man who fell at Gettysburg -instead of their great grandfather and esteemed Southern General -who is actually feeding worms one hundred yards away down the road?

Now that's laughs and irony all around.

They should just tear down all the gravestones -erect one big monument and plant Medical Marijuana - and raise money for deficit reduction.

AllThat fertilizer would guarantee a bountiful harvest.

Jesus and Paul Announce Malibu Wedding

2010-08-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

At last the Homo icons of Christianity are at Peace -As a California Judge opened the door of marriage to allof God's children;

And -ALSO - ironically - to Jesus and St Paul -both well known homo's in their time on Earth -who have always said they would like to be wed together in Southern California.

So while the moron Mormons -along with all the other Neanderthals on the religious right -and the whole Rush(Oxycotin) Limbaugh and Fox News crowd cries about the end of the world at the hands of the progressives:

Jesus and Paul will be in a Honeymoon suite in Malibu -fucking each other in marital Ecstasy.

The big question is -who is Mohammad the greatest Moslem homo gonna hook up with?

Maybe Krishna?

9/11 Site Should House Moslem Cultural Shrine

2010-07-31T10:30:00.000-07:00

This museum would provide ongoing insight into the great cultural divide between Arab Fundamentalists and us Infidels by celebrating Moslem achievements over the past millenium -including but not limited to:

Keeping the stone age alive and well - complete with the stoning of women to death for crimes that get women alimony in the West.

The enslavement and or subjegation of their entire female population.

The virtual eleimination of democracy as a political institution.

The universal abhorrence and rejection of all things artful and entertaining.

The almost complete absence of a manufacturing OR high tech based economy -resulting in:

The almost complete absence of a middle class -and a fascist corrupt - oil based Oligarchy

A rabid proclivity to use violence to kill one another over irrational religious disputes - AND all non Moslems on the whim of fanatick religious leaders and:

Developing the revolutionary Moslem innovation of Suicide Bombers.

The highest rate of illiteracy in the world (outside of Muslim Africa) which enhances their complete misunderstanding of their sacred Texts -which they memorize.

The resultant response after a tour of this Moslem Cultural Shrine will resonate powerfully - with young and old and people of all ages -and even Aliens from OUTER space - as they stand in the holy light of Ground Zero -and exclaim:

"Who the fuck are these maniacal morons?"

Oh and bye the way -how long do you think a Mosque will stand at ground zero before it gets blown to bits by some redneck who will get The medal Of Freedom from President Palin and become the recruiting poster child for Osama Bin Douche bag?

"Children Are Starving In America --Eat Your Spinach!"

2010-07-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

Remeber when your Mom used to say that --only substituting China for America?

NOW now -Chinese Mom's are saying "Eat your spinach -children are starving in America"

And American Mom's now say "Eat your spinach kids are starving in America"

I guess the next step will be American's emigrating to places like China AND Brazil AND India for employment opportunities.

What irony! -American's will ultimately become illegal aliens in countries we used to consider third world.

AND -the American underclass will keep growing like it did in Mexico -AND eventually will become drug dealing maniacs competing for the drug demand in the NEW prosperous nations.

And president Tod Palin will be blaming the drug wars on the huge demand for them by India and China and Brazil.

But the guns will still be supplied in America -our last thriving industry.

Thought about Singapore? --Israel?

If You're A Miserable Fuck?

2010-07-24T17:44:00.000-07:00

Don't have children -AND DON'T get a dog!

So i'm out in the park with Liza (the wonderdog) yesterday and there's an attractive thirty ish woman about fifty yards away pulling and yelling at her dog like a moron.

Liza sees this and says to me "Hey poppy that's fucked up - I'm gonna go see if i can help"

So as Liza gets about thirty feet from the moron bitch (the dog OWNER that is) -She starts screaming "Get your dog away from me!"

In the meantime her son comes a running "Mommy! Mommy! can i pet the nice doggy?" (Liza)

Of course the miserable fuck starts yelling at the kid; "No! No! -You get away from that dog! -and look you're all muddy!"

Liza says to me; "Hey Pops -Can i take a bite out of that miserable fuck's ass?"

"Nope" says I -"Lets just keep movin along -people are like dogs -some are just turned into miserable fucks"

So now we come across a father teaching his kid how to ride a bike and he's runnin along beside him and the bike is all wobbling and teetering along -- and the kid is just laughing away -and the father is laughing -and Liza runs over to help out -and now the kid is playing with her -and the father is joining right in -and he says what a nice dog she is "Su pero es muy linda y contento "

"Yep she's a fine old girl allright" i reply -and he asks me something in Spanish that seems to say "Can my son give your dog a cookie?"

"Si Si gracias" says i and the kid gives Liza a cookie and Liza asks if she can play with the kid -and they gambol over to the duck pond together.

Well -i finally say "hasta luego" to Luis and little Luis and his momma - who is grilling hot dogs and hamburgers (liza and i each had a hot dog with jalapeno peppers and we split a Dos Equis) while singing joyfully

So as i get to my car i see a Range Rover pulling out and the driver is guess who? -You got it! --The miserable fucking moron! -And i hear the kid crying and the dog barking -and her yelling:

"Next time your father can take you to the park -if he can spare time from his golf"

AND -that's kinda a metaphor for life -ain't it?

And about immigration

Remember When Jane Fonda said Cunt on TV?

2010-07-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

Polish STILL a Polish Joke -Amsterdam RULES

2010-07-18T10:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/18/world/europe/18poland.html

The European Gay Pride Parade was met in Poland by trhe usual Polish redneck peasant thugs that have characterized the Polaks for a thousand years.

The same asshole thugs who cheered on the trains heading for Auschwitz.

Poland would make a perfect red state in the USA -maybe John Baynor should lead a conservative Republican delegation over there to combine resources in the fight against human progress

Big problem is when the Polaks find out Johnny Boy Baynor is a latent homo hisself -whose Little Kelbasi wiener has been known to keep Mitch McConnell on his toes.

Oh and Nancy and Harry should trip on over to Amsterdam and see what progressive REALLY means.(90% of Holland is bisexual or headed there)The European Gay Parade in Amsterdam was ten times bigger than the one in West Hollywood.

Think about it will ya?

Go Netherlands!

Does Bill Gates Have a Penis?

2010-07-15T18:12:00.001-07:00

I was just wondering about that because you never hear about him foolin around and he is worth 20 billion plus dollars -and his wife Melissa is cute -but hey:

I mean here's a healthy powerful guy - and he's smart and funny and the world's richest man.

I mean "Melissa darling - i'm off to Paris to talk about the Foundation and i'll be back in five days"

So meanwhile his trusted assistant Moishe Pipick who Gates pays 3 million a week so he's sure of his loyalty -rounds up the hottest babes in Europe and they are waiting for him (masked of course) at his Plaza Athenee apartment -and well you get my drift.

I mean even if Melissa has been trained by Oral Sex Gurus and Yoga Pleasure Masters in Tibet -and they have discovered some super sex drug -- Just think of the action that Gates could acquire around the Globe?

Either he's getting more pussy than the legendary Attila The Hun to whom we all have some genetic link because he screwed almost every hottie on Earth back then --OR:

Bill Gates has no Penis -OR -It's gonna be some kinda memoir.

But with his dough he could probably have a kentucky Thoroughbred's dick sewed onto him - OR - even have Lebron James dick cloned and implanted.

If any of you know if Gates has a penis could you drop me a line?

It's driving me nuts!

Why Do They VOLUNTEER For Combat Duty?

2010-07-08T09:37:00.000-07:00

Personally speaking -i would rather get married again than volunteer to fight say in Afghanistan or Bahgdad

How stupid do you have to be to be willing to get your nuts torn off -or worse -to save some stone age Muslims who hate us and could give a shit less about Democracy.

Like we don't have enough National Security issues facing us in our back yards.

Hey -i am thrilled that some men and women are willing to go get killed and will kill some of our enemies in the process -go ahead knock yourselves out.

Fact is most of them are just collecting a pay check doing exciting and respected work -and don't believe for a minute that they will ever get nicked.

AND -the vast majority will not get hurt and can come home and collect PTSS goodies (oh and did you not think that volunteering to go kill folks in a Muslim snakepit would be stressful?)

Being poor and married to some dysfunctional mate -with messed up kids (standard fare in the good ole USA today) - is more stressful than seeing a guy's head get blown off -and these poor Americans get nothing.

Oh and General Petraus and the Joint Chiefs have less chance of getting killed than the president of BP -and way more perks -so yeah we need them - BUT they aren't doing it for humanity (it's a great fucking job)

Maybe if we stop glorifying all this war service horseshit we can move forward about who really pays the biggest price for living in this downsliding -drug and alcohol depleted -academic failing - shopping mall -earth destroying -ignorant society -fueled by hypocritic -ignorant -power needy politicians and religious leaders and assorted other control freaks and banboozlers..

Pipick calls New Yorkers Pussies

2010-07-07T13:45:00.000-07:00

A record-breaking heat wave tightened its grip on New York City on Tuesday, as triple-digit temperatures tested Consolidated Edison’s power supply, threatened the health of the elderly, and tried the patience and resilience of anyone who dared to venture outside.

With the temperature reaching 103 degrees in Central Park at 3:11 p.m., breaking the former record high of 101 degrees for the day set in 1999, Con Edison officials braced for the greatest demand for power they had ever had.

Dr.Moishe Pipick -head engineer for the city's electrical infrastructure called New Yorkers a bunch of pampered pussies today at a City Hall press conference:

"Today it is a mild 115 degrees in Bahgdad with 100% humidity -and virtyually zero air conditioning and minimal water for drinking and none for bathing"

He continued; "They have crappy plumbing and hardly any toilet paper -the woman have to wear heavy dark Burkas -and the men just sit around sweating and drinking tons of hot coffee"

He went on "At any moment anywhere some lunatic might blow up the whole neighborhood -and our Marines are walking around among this happy go lucky populace with 70 pounds of gear on them -sweating their balls off"

Dr. Pipick concluded: "So you spoiled fucking pampered New Yorkers should just go sit in the park and count your blessings"

Better World If British Won The American Revolution

2010-07-04T12:16:00.000-07:00

Watching the bourgoise elitists and redneck morons and just plain stupid and greedy folks who comprise the Tea Party gang - it started me thinkin about the original Tea Party and the American Revolution -and i realized with great dismay that it would be a much better World if the British had won:

The common folk in the present UK are like Rocket Scientists compared to the commoners in the USA! They watch the BBC and are mostly non religious or Church of England which is like being a Buddhist compared to an American Christian.

-AND the Brits don't feel the need to own vaults filled with guns or to kill beautiful animals for a thrill. (even the British cops don't carry guns.

And - the Clergy are are MARRIED! - Reverends and Pastors don't sodomize children (they sodomize their wives like normal people do)
In The UK they have a House of Lords that knows the Common folk are assholes -and they are not ashamed to say so.

They also have a House of Commons where the people's representatives act like common assholes and are expected to by the asshole people -Who then get EXACTLY what they need and desrve,

They also have a Queen! - How fucking cool is that -AND as a result all the Gays are happy.

Oh -and without a whole lot of loony religious conservatives - you don't have debates about whether Darwin was an Atheist Jew lover and Creationism should be taught in schools -or whether a Zygote is a human being - and how God said in the bible that gays were Vermin (and all that other lovey dovey Scripture stuff)

AND AND AND -if The British HAD won the war with us - They would have been strong enough to maintain the British Empire:

Hence - NO First or Second World War (Germany wouldn't have said boo with a powerful British Empire standing in their way -AND no USSR and no cold war. (i estimate the savings in loss of life alone - at around two hundred million.)

AND best of all would have been (second only to the non emergence of those American Tea Bag morons):

When you called a customer service department for help with ANY product or service -Instead of getting "Hellooo Dees is Dakta in Mombay Ken i help Voooo?"

You would hear "Ello Mate -Gotta bit ov a problem have yeh? - well you just hold on Gov - an we will fix er right up!"

So -fuck George Washington and ALL The Founding fathers -

They screwed us Royally!

Fuck The Fourth!