Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings

An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"

He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."

Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."

Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.

Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."

Congress To Vote On Rudy's Plan For High School Dropouts

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways."

He added, "I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."

Dead Human Fetus' Great Source Of Fertilizer Says WTO

The World Trade Organization has discovered that fetal tissue is a cheap and wonderful source of plant fertilizer. Arnold Stang,head of agriculture for the WTO, whose objective is to discover new and efficient ways to raise crops and feed the growing number of people suffering from malnutrition in the world said: "We discovered that rural Chinese farmers who had aborted girl babies, following Chinese government birth control policy; were grinding up the fetus' and spreading them over their fields -- with amazing results! -- Fields cultivated with the "fetus soil" had a three hundred percent increase in harvest yields, and the villagers developed resistance to some fatal diseases."

He continued: "Their are over one-hundred million abortions in the world annually, and if we set up an effective manufacturing and distribution system to turn all those fetus' into fertilizer --we can solve world hunger in a flash! -- and from a moral point of view, those folks who might have some misgivings about abortion will know that their dead babies helped some poor starving souls to get proper nutrition."

Furthermore, he went on;" It's also conceivable that we could have the beginning of a whole new industry here! -- Poor people with no skills but who can breed like rabbits could be compensated for their aborted fetus.' -- It's estimated that a ground up fetus from the late second tri-mester weighing around two pounds can fertilize a four acre plot -- it's powerful stuff -- and that's significant crop coverage, and with no pesticides or carbon based fertilizer."

He said: "In the USA alone, there are over three million abortions a year that we know of -- hell. they could crank up that fetus production to ten times that amount with proper incentives just for the Black and Hispanic populations. They would make money -- climb out of poverty -- feed the world needy and have a fun time doing it. (a pun) -- It's a total win win situation!"

And the Supreme Court can't do a fucking thing about it! -- So throw away your condoms -- have a few cocktails -- and start producing some kick ass "Fetus Soil" fertilizer. --For fun and profit and the world's starving folks.

Alberto Gonzles Has Penile Dysfunction

Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)

Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because "He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."

She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."

Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion. When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy",i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Virginia Tech Killer Had Tiny Penis Like Most NRA members

Cho Seung Hui, the "Mad Gook Killer Of Virginia Tech," fit the physical profile of the average NRA member said Shitburg,Virginia County coroner Mel Dungy."This gook had a very small penis and women were known to say to him during sex" -- "Oh please --not your finger -- use your penis."

Moishe Pipick, head of psychiatry at the Einstein Institute for Sexual Disturbances said; This is what probably drove him to madness and i think all hunters and handgun owners should be given psychiatric tests; and those "Gunners" (as we refer to them clinically), with penis' under the average of three inches for NRA members should have a warning symbol tatood on their thumbs and scrotums.

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife."Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the subsequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled us,"said Mathew Pinkowitz,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete manhood.

He concluded,"Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of "Gunners" among members of congress -- even among the female members -- who our studies indicate have huge amounts of testosterone which results in very hairy pussies -- almost like tumbleweeds, and with huge holes!Hence they don't have normal sex lives --especially since they are attracted to other "Gunners" -- and the combo of small cocks and giant hairy pussies becomes deadly in psychiatric terms."

NRA Say's White Students Should Carry Guns

Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"

He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."

Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."

"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.

Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).

And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?

Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times

The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit. "It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.

Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from idealogues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).

All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).

So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?

Any recommendations?

Bill O'Reilly Has Sex With Manatee In Florida River

A fisherman who was walking along the banks of the Manatee river in central Florida wandered onto the secluded estate where Bill O'reilly was vacationing. Irving Mandelbaum, a resident of nearbye Bumfuck Rapids,said; "I heard strange sounds coming from the river up ahead -- wild moaning and a lot of splashing and when i came around the bend i could hardly believe my eyes! -- There in the middle of a shallow pool in the river was Mr. O'Reilly butt humping a large Manatee!"

Mr. Mandelbaum told the bandit reporter that he was aware that the Manatee's are gentle creatures and also endangered and he could plainly see that the Manatee which Bill O'reilly was raping and sodomizing was in great distress. "O'Reilly kept trying to kiss it and he was pulling on it's whiskers as he thrust into her , and the Manatee was crying out and O'Reilly kept screaming -- "Shut up you Manatee bitch!' -- so i called the local game warden."

Ranger Elmer Woodcock said; "The saddest thing of all is that the Manatee turned out to be a young male -- this may be the first recorded incidence of male to male sex betweeen a human and a Manatee." He continued; "O'Reilly's close friend Rush Limbaugh, a frequent visitor to his estate,was caught red handed humping a female Manatee last summer during the manatee mating season; but was let off with a warning because he was blitzed on Oxycotin and agreed to enter rehab."

"So this Manatee humping thing on O'reilly's river property been going on for quite some time?", asked the reporter. "Sure has!" said the Ranger; "we have picked up almost a dozen of these sensitive creatures,dazed and disoriented, and swimming around O'Reilly's property -- and we think several are pregnant with his and Limbaughs babies."

Bill O'reilly and Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment --seems thay are really quiet when it comes to their strangely non-conservative sex lives.

Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope

In an amazing revelation from Pope Benedick in the vatican yesterday; he asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; "Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatz asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's; and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?" -- "Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just got finished sticking hisa cock into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell,prior to his confession -- now what will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and find, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will have a fresh start with Goda."

'But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's gospel." The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- happy Easter."

Jesus Will Spend Easter Shacked Up With Anna Nicole Smith

Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.

Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"

"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and Rachel Ray --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."

He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."

Pope Does Not Believe In God Say's Priest

The Pope was overheard speaking to his assistant ,Cardinal Martini Bormano,by a young Priest who revealed the astonishing conversation to our Vatican reporter Mario Fanguli.

He said; “The Pope when questioned by the Cardinal about taking a strong moral stand and expressing outrage at the slaughter of innocents in Iraq got quite worked up and told him.” -- “You shutta your fuckina face -- you saw how crazy those murdering Muslim bastards gotta when I criticized them. Do you think I wanta to be traveling along on the Popamobile and be blown to bitsa --you fucking moron!”

“But your Holiness” the Cardinal then replied; “What about the moral authority of the Church,and if you are blowna to bitsa you will surely go straighta to be with Goda and Jesus in heaven for all Eternity.”

The Pope replied,said the the young Priest, “And I could hardly believea my ears.” He said, “Are you a fuckina crazy Martini?” he went on, “ If the Churcha remaind silent while the Nazi’s slaughtered six milliona Kikas, do you think I’ma gonna geta blown to shit over a few desert niggers? -- and,do you thinka I buy all that bullshita about the Saviour and Heaven and a Santa Clausa God with a a biga white beard -- do I look like a fucking idiot?”

He continued as the shocked Cardinal wept like a baby; “Stopa you blubbering you faggot -- I knowa whata you do with those little Altar boys -- so donta preacha to me while you are cornholing halfa the Vatican! -- hey it’s a nice fairy tale ( oopsa a pun) all this Bible bullshit, but itsa definitely not worth getting blowna to bitsa over.”
The Cardinal shot himself and that’s show business.

America Should Out -Source Parenting Say's New Study

Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today: "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."

American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !

He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."

" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."

Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "

"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"

The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics  would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.

Fox Announces ""Resurrection" Fake Death Reality Show

Mike Darnhell,President of Fox TV announced a revolutionary new Reality program in which families will be informed that a close member of that family -- has died!

"Here's an example of how it worked -we have of course already shot thirteen episodes before the joke got around --haha " He continued; "The wife gets a phone call(from our producer) --so sorry Mrs. Crotchrot, this is the LA Medical Examiner's office and we have some terrible news for you --your husband Benjamin is dead! -- Be calm my dear -- he's with God at this very moment --no it won't be necessary for you to identify the remains because there are no remains --- now calm down Maa'm and let me explain. Your husband was identified from DNA samples in a tooth from the Great Whie Shark that ate him which we found washed up on the Malibu beach -- it was stuck in a piece of Mr. Crotchrot's skull. --oh please stop screaming --think of him with Jesus now--playing Golf. --Please stop crying -- okay so think of him with Moses and Abraham, playing Pinochle"

"Well you get the picture." he went on: " So we cover all the family trauma and do a bunch of backstories on the family and the deceased --we get the kids involved and the neighbors and the Clergy and the funeral is fabulous --we bring in some gospel r&b talent from "American Idol" (ooh Lordy Jesus ooh ooh uh uh) monkey music crapola -- or a Rabbi with a violin, or Matsinyahu (manishtinoye hazeh oye yoy yoy voy) the Hebey histrionics -- and the tears flow like Evian and people moan and cry and faint and throw themselves on the casket -- You know! -- the whole reality shtick that the moronic viewers eat up like shit candy."

"But"Mike continued; at least this program has a happy ending and a moral point of view -- when Mr.Crotchrot jumps out of the casket --not only is their wild relief (ah yes - dissapointment in some cases) -but it really demonstrates what's important in life in a clear and sobering fashion -- a real wake-up call! -- and -- it offers hope to folks who have been informed of sudden deaths in their families -- who can now hope and pray that thay will pop up at their funeral as part of a television hoax?

Our Reporter asked; "You think that justifies your faking someone's death --scaring loved ones out of their minds with grief -- the shock and trauma and long lasting impact on the children?" -- "Now just hold on right there Miss Gullible. There have only been two heart attacks and one stroke so far,and the children spend half their lives with digital baby sitters that make this show look like "Little House On The Prairie".

"And besides -- who gives a fuck -- it's Television --you don't like it --turn it the fuck off. "

Tony Snow Rats Out Cheney and Rumsfeld As Viscious Murderers

White House Press Secretary,Tony Snow,after finding out that he has liver cancer yesterday.decided to come clean,and share his knowledge of what he has discovered about the Bush administration - "A Confession," as he put it.

He stated,"The American people have a right to know what a sleazy bunch of egomaniacal pricks and patological killers this bunch is! -- and let me first of all start out with quite a shocker! -- The President told me two weeks ago when i asked him if it wasn't time to admit that the Iraqui situation is hopeless"

"Tony" he said, "i would have pulled out long ago -- but Cheney and Rumsfeld told me straight out -- Mr. President, if you pull the plug on Iraq,we will have your wife and daughters tortured and raped and then burned alive after we force them to eat Barney -- then we will drown your Mother and Father in the icy waters up there in Maine,after first forcing Barbara to blow us -- then we will poison your brother Jeb and his whole family -- then we will violate and dismember Condi Rice -then we will take your best friend Karl Rove and cut out his tongue and pour gasoline down his throat and set it on fire- then we will skin alive your spik buddy,Attorney General Gonzales, and then we will sodomize Harriet Meyers and disembowel her --and we will make the whole thing look like Iraqi fanaticks did it."

I said,"Mr. President, they could never get away with it." and he replied, "Tony, they have killed and dislocated millions of helpless Iraquis with the way they fucked up this war -- and countless numbers of our own soldiers -killed and maimed for life. And the money,Tony, -- the money thats been wasted and the pockets that have been lined and Tony -- the Oil -these folks have so much blood on their hands and so much at stake --do you think their worried about a few more casualties?"

When reached for comment -- The President and Vice President and ex Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said basically the same thing; "Poor Tony The cancer has eaten his brains away,"

Arab Muslims are Constipated - Bush To Drop Stool Softeners

A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixty -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.Dr Moishe Pipick ,Chief Proctologist for The Center for Stool Physics, in Israel stated: "These Folks are really backed up! Some of them have never taken a good dump, and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your attitude."

"And the Religious leaders ,who are fucking nuts to begin with -- and who don't drink or do drugs; and whose women look like human hefty bags,and they can't even take a decent shit?" -- "Oye vey!" said Dr.Steven Marks,prominent Israeli Vulcanologist."If they all shit at once -- it will be a seismic event!"

President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region. "Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."

Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy

With her news ratings in the toilet--- Les Moonbeam,Prexy of CBS,and the brainchild behind paying Couric twenty mill to exit the Today Show and bring ratings gold to The CBS Evening News -- especially among younger viewers -- made a revolutionary announcement today -- and one with far reaching implications for the future of Television News anchoring and field reporting.

He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”

He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”

“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”

“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”

‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.

Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .

ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!

And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "

He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"

President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."

Battle Dwarfs To Move Into Baghdad "Splurge"

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).

Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)

"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."

Israel To Put Birth Control Agent In Arab Water

Dr.Moishe Pipick. -- Minister of The Israeli Experimental Defense Agency -- responded to a leaked and classified initiative by his agency to stop the out of control birth rate in the Arab world:

"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?

He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."

"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"

Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:

And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"

He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.

"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )

However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.

The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.

Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"

Kirstie Alley Gives Birth To Twenty Pound Black Baby Boy

The wide hipped -- georgous earthmother/actor -- best known for her battles with the bulge -- gave birth to a twenty pound black baby in Lenox Hill hospital in New York City last night. ( so now we know what those extra wide skirts were concealing).

Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."

The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"

Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."

He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.

"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"

The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."

The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!

Pope Caught Masturbating In A Vatican Confessional Chamber

In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outside the pussy he explained) --are sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!

Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.

The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?

The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."

Fox annnounces"I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney"

Fox entertainment president Moishe Pipick announced it's revolutionary new reality show "I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney", starring George Clooney. He said: "women are lining up by the thousands to be selected as finalists - where ten married women will spend a week in his mansion on the Hawaiian island of Molokai where they have agreed to have sex with him -- including but not limited to oral and anal sex -- and will compete for his attention in the hope that he will choose them as his "hawaiian sex slave". -- Winners will receive one million dollars and a week with George alone in his mansion. --All the women will go through an on air judging process similar to American Idol except they will perform a strip tease and undergo cross examination by the celebrity judges with their current husbands , family and children (all contestants must have at least three children and be married for a minimum of ten years.)

All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.

Britney Pregnant With Dr.Phil's Baby

Confidential sources at the Hazeldon Recovery Center in Minnesota confirmed that Britney Spears is pregnant with a baby girl and that the father is the reknowned television therapist Dr. Phil.

"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."

Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.

Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"

Focus On Candidates Moves To Oral Sex Behavior -- Initial Evaluation below:

The religious right has shifted it's concern from celibacy as it weighs in on the presidential primary race ; "thet have all been married two or three times and are basically a bunch of whore mongers so we have to shift the focus to some more relevent criteria." said Paul Dotson .head of The American Family Council -- a conservative group whose real name should be " TheRepressed and Constipated Hall of Fame."

"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.

Here,then, is their initial evaluation:

Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"

John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."

Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."

Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.

Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.

Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "

John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."

Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"

kike Mayor To Ban "Nigger" But Allow MotherFucker Says Spic Manhattan Asseblyman

Manhattan Assemblyman Jose Tostada said at a City Hall news briefing yesterday; "Mayor Bloomberg should concentrate more on the root causes of intolerance and ethnic and racial bigotry instead of employing the "Epithet Police" to watch over us in his recent moves to criminilize the utterance of the horrible word"Nigger" in New York City -- we already have laws that deal with situations like, "Hey nigger i'm gonna fuck you up!" --the operable phrase there is "fuck you up!" --and you will do time for that"

"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?

"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"

"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."

"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"

Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"

Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"

"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.

Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."

He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.

Cheney's Dick Latest Victim In Coulter Wars

Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly told his homosexual daughter; "I wouldn't fuck her with your cock!" -- referring to the rumors that he is the latest victim to fall prey to what is now being referred to by the medical community as: "Coulter's Cunt Virus" --or CCV.

Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."

A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"

Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter

"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."

Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)

Bill O'Reilly Get's Clap From Anne Coulter

The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.

Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."

O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."

Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton

"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.

God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."

God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."

God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"

Home

This Jew keeps me out of jail

Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial

Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."

Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"

Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."

Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!

CBS Announces "Nipple Thursday" To Save Katie

"Clearly -- our strategy of having Katie delivering the news without underwear has not worked!," said Moishe Pipick CBS news president,reeling from the latest nielsen news ratings which show Katie Couric dead last and slipping in key younger male demos.

He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."

Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"

Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist

The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period -- he evn thought about changing his name to Lance Barak."

There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."

The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."

Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"

Oral Sex Boot Camp saved Our Marriage says Hillary

Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: " After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"

"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Vh1 Announces "Find The Honkey" Game Show

VH1 the network built on black streotypes announced it's latest prime time entry; "Ten black looking men will be analyzed by competing teams of all blacks and all whites who will ask questions to determine which of the ten black looking men is a "Honkey" in disguise." said Moishe Pipick head of programming for the VH1 network.

He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".

"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."

Trump To Buy Mexico Ending Illegal Immigration Problem

"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said the Donald at a Wall Street press conference with his hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs.

" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.

Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."

"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.

"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).

Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Strikes It Rich With Star Shit

Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers) "

Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!

(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Dame Judy Dench Sells Pussy Hair

"If that bald slut -- Britney,whats her name?,can get an offer of one million dollars for her well worn beaver -- my grandly grey pussy fibers should obtain at least two million quid." --said the acclaimed British Shakesperean actor and Academy Award nominee in London today.

When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."

Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."

Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"

Vibrator Motor Killed Anna Nicole-Smith

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.

LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."

LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."

Trump proposes Palestinian Pleasure Zone

The Donald has come out with a revolutionary solution to the "PalestinianProblem". he announced today that; " Let's face it the Moslems need a place to let off some steam and the Palestinians need some dinero real fast!"

"I propose turning the West Bank into the Las Vegas of the Middle East!" - " Jobs -- unlimited money -- an outlet for people who won't have to blow themselves apart to get into Paradise (no Virgins but real pros heh heh) -- and tons of cash for the Palestinian leaders to extort and steal and waste (the one thing they are great at)."

We can send a delegation of American Indian Tribal Chiefs (you know the tribal/ caveman thing that the Arabs love ) over there with a trillion bucks to get everything going and Voila! -- peace with the Jews --- prosperity -- and "Mellow Muslims" -- a first for fourteen hundred years."

"!Cash -- hookers -- gambling -- shows -- drugs and booze -- works every time!"

"Lucky seven -- pay the little lady in the see though Burkah!"

Preacher Calls Pope a Chickenshit

Pat Robertson said in church today ; " The Pope came out and took a principled shot at Islam's propensity to inspire violence among Muslim adherents -- he admonished their leaders for standing by while aimless slaughter engulfed the Arab Middle East.'

"The Extremist Muslims rioted like a bunch of murderous Monkey's ,which they are (sorry Monkeys) and the Church ran away like scared rabbits."

'The Pope just stands idly bye as the slaughter of innocents continues and moderate Muslim leaders (an Oxymoron) ,scared shitless of their respective "streets" do nothing,while the Fanatics scream for more blood" in the name of Allah."

"The Pope is a chickenshit and a disgrace to the principles of Christianity -- the Church stood bye while the Nazis perptrated a Holocaust -- it's just more of the same."

Kim Jong iL Wants Rice Bad

Condoleeza Rice that is! "If i have to pretend to make a deal with those American dogs to get into her pants i will do it. -- No Korean has an ass like that black beauty" -- the Mad Midget dictator of North Korea was overheard saying to one of his Generals at the multi -lateral talks yesterday.

Condy responded " thats just male bonding talk -- he's not a bad guy for a retarded dwarf and if he saw me naked he'd probably shit himself.
The main thing is our diplomatic goals."

President Bush jumped in with;" The closest he'll get to Rice is in a bowl with dog meat on it." (sorry Barney)

Eskimos Getting Snowed By Donald Trump

The Donald is moving quickly to take advantage of the real estate opportunities presented by Global Warming.His office announced today;"That frozen waste land filled with Polar Bears and blubber eating Eskimos is gonna be ice free and the perfect spot for "Trump North" -- Bugsy Siegel created Las Vegas out of the desert and i'm gonna do the same thing with the North Pole"

Asked about upsetting the indiginous Inuit culture he responded: "they can learn how to deal blackjack and clean hotel rooms -- it's too bad their women are to short and squat to be showgirls."

Rosy O'Donnel said: "Trump will probably slaughter the Penguins and serve them in his restaurant as northern duckling."

Valentine Massacre 2007

President Bush was overheard saying to VP Cheney ; " i'd like to have a Special Attack Team enter The House of Representatives while those traiterous bastards are votin against my war -- and give them a taste of that Massacre in 1929 -- those boys knew how to deal with rats!"

"Yep -- i'd like to be blasting away right next to them with my shotgun -- i'd give Nancy Pelosi both barrels in those big jugs of hers!." said Cheney.

Bush replied; " Heh! Heh! Dick -- the way you shoot you'd probably shoot a couple of White House aids -- or a Republican Congressman by mistake."

"Now George", replied Cheney ' You don't think that shooting was a mistake - do ya? -- Nobody hogs the field when i'm out hunting!"

The President "heh heh heh"

Katie Couric Will Do News Without Underwear

In a daring move to improve her ratings among male viewers it was announced today by Les Moonsies,Prsident of Paramount/CBS that: "Efective Valentines Day,Katie Couric will not be wearing any bra or panties during her news coverage. Wether she will be wearing underwear in her field reporting is still being negotiated."

He further stated; "This will not effect the quality of her coverage (forgive the pun) but will hopefully more fully engage the imagination of men in and with her reporting."

Ms. Couric was not available for comment but sources close to her said her biggest concern was that she might "blow a wet one" in the heat of breakng news coverage.

Her old sidekickk Matt Lauer said; "I certainly hope Candy Crowley doesn't pick up on this."

Rush Limbaugh Up To Old Tricks With Sheep

When the Bandit expose (see posting "Limbaugh in Cotton") forced Limbaugh to refrain from shtupping and thus terrorizing one of his prize Sheep -- Cotton; He was ordered to keep at least 200 feet away from her stall until a final hearing.

Late last night the foreman Mel Manure who blew the whistle on Limbaugh the first time, heard cries coming from Cotton's stall ; "When i got there Russ was screaming -- you slut ! you know i need you! and he was trying to force her hind legs apart" -- said Mel . He went on "there was an empty Oxycotin bottle lying on the floor".

Limbaugh was placed in custody by the local ASPCA and will appear before a local Judge Next week -- stay tuned! ( a 24 hour watch has been placed on the confused and abused Sheep -- Cottton)

Fox Announces "Bust MY Cherry" -- Virgin Busting Reality Show

In this revolutionary new reality show --- a Virgin Female will put twelve young "studs" through a series of challenges before deciding which one of them will earn the right to be the first man to have sex with her. -- "To Bust Her Cherry".

Doug Herzgog President of Fox entertainment said " In keeping with our commitment to elevate the human condition through high quality programming, we hope "Cherry" will reinforce the need in our society for women to choose their sexual partners responsibly and not let any yo yo come along and deflower them"

The "Cherry Breaker" will receive $100,000 and the Virgin will will get a brand new Lincoln Navigator and a lifetime credit with Victoria Secrets and hopefully the ride of her life . ( and wer'e not talking about the Lincoln)

Seniors and Prisoners and Unemployed Required To Generate Energy

A new energy proposal initiated by Republicans and included in the latest "Ryan" Budget just approved in the House  --  would require all senior citizens on medicare  - all people on medicaide or on welfare or unemployment insurance - and all federal prisoners - to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.

"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said Newt Gingrich.

The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" in nursing homes where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.

President Obama called the plan "shocking".

Ariel Sharon Get's Erection While In Coma

The valient Jewish leader and war hero who has been in a coma for the last year has shown an amazing sign of renewed life potential.

A nurse walking past his room last night noticed a large shadow on the wall in his room and upon investigating she saw his blanket was elevated "Like a tent" from his huge erection and was casting a pole-like image.

DR. Yonah Schimmel head of the intensive care operation for General Sharon said " this is an amazing phenomenon and who knows what it portends for his recovery?

Head Israeli Rabbi, Moishe Pipick , said: "This is a sign from G-D that he will bring back our greatest military leader to crush our enemies once and for all."

Excessive Masturbation Affects Troop Performance

Extremely horny American servicemen in Iraq are ; "beatin their meat so much they can't move as fast as they should -- it's difficult when you are chafed and raw and it's not like their wearing designer briefs, and the heat and the sand on top of that -- i'm amazed they can even walk at all", said General Petrayus at a Pentagon briefing with the President yesterday.

"This is the first war in US history where a soldier can't go out and get some local pussy or go to a whore house". -- "The Mullahs keep all the pussy to themselves and don't allow any sex and even if you could find a loose Iraqi women she'd look like your grandmother covered with a black tent" -- He further stated "No wonder these insurgents are so nuts -- they haven't gotten laid since their wedding night".

Asked by the President whether our female troopers couldn't pick up the slack; the General stated: "Hell theyr'e working overtime! Some of them are so bow legged that they waddle around like ducks and most of them just service each other."

Dog Killings In Iraq Rally America Behind Bush

Blow up a school full of children ? -- Murder a bus load of aid workers?
Behead a Brigade of Marines? -- Rivers of Sunni and Shiite Blood?

BUT - start slaughtering the Iraqi dog population?

Defense Secretary William Gates announced today: "Non sectarian violence has now spread to pets and their are numerous reports of Sunnis beheading Shiite dogs -- God knows how widespread these animal attacks will become?"

The percentage of Americans supporting the war "surged" 20% on this news and President Bush ,holding his dog Barney in his arms said with tears in his eyes "Now ,at last, the American people know what wer'e fighting for."

USA Entertainment Industry To The Rescue

Steven Spielberg, addressing a group of leaders in the Entertainment industry summed up their mission and conference objective:

"We will use all our acquired skills in manipulating people to stare at TV and Computer and Game screens for over forty hour a week --- to bring about world peace -- starting in Iraq!"

"Our first mission --using the illusionary magic skills of David Blackstone will be to project a life like image of the Prophet Mohammad in the sky over Baghdad,where he will proclaim to his followers that suicide bombing and the killing of innocents is absolutely prohibited by the Koran "


Mohammad will proclaim "there are sixteen hundred and fifty four Muslims who sit in boiling pig fat 24/7 -- who thought they would be boffing Virgins in Paradise -- are you fucking nuts? -- Read my words! -- wWHERE does it say you are too act like deranged and cruel slaughtering monkeys in the name of Allah?"

Spielberg , in closing said "Mohammad is really pissed and wer'e going to help him get the message out'' and as a matter of fact who else would the wise Prophet turn too in helping his people -- than the Jews in Hollywood (irony worthy of Woody Allen),

Casting for the Voice of Mohammad -- i vote for Robin Williams -- You?

Famous Comic starts Iraqui Tour

Ascerbic satirist George Carlin is headed for Baghdad -- and not to entertain the troops:

" My objective is to poke fun at the whole ridiculous Sunni/Shiite hatred thing. You gotta know these poor bastards are miserable; they have sweaty unsanitary sex with a pile of rags ( you know that Burkhah schmata which is their women's version of Victoria's Secrets) -- no jobs and no money and they drink twenty cups of coffee a day --and they all have bombs and guns"

he went on; "illiterate -- always hungry -- no toilet paper and their revered Religious leaders tell them they can enter Paradise by blowing up people! So what's a guy to do?"

"Their kids stink and have flies in their eyes and sores on their asses and they cry constantly -- no water or electricity, and the poor schmucks don't even drink or get high "

"What they need are some Comedy Clubs and some laughs and iv'e got some grant money from GW" He told me "George, you crack Laura and me up -- i want you to go to Iraq and see if you can make some attitude adjustments with your humor.

"Wish me luck -- i think i'll start out with "So Mohammed walks into a bar and an old jew says......"

Local Shark Hunter Loses His Head

Well -- that's one for the good guys!

Why don't these hunters just stick to beatin on their wives and kids?

Hillary Goes Ape

Hillary Clinton was overheard,during a private conversation with Dr. Howard Dean head of the National Democratic Committee -- saying that Barak Obama was very talented but that he resembled a Chimpanzee :

"American's will not elect a President that looks like he could be hanging
from a tree branch", she said.

Dr. Dean was heard to reply after great laughter "Yep - American's are more concerned wih looks than substance" and then he went on "hoo hoo hoo eee ee e " and jumped up and down and Hillary was laughing her ass off -- said the undercover Bandit reporter.

VP Cheney A Stooge Relative

Well, it comes as no surprise to anyone who has followed Dick Cheney's performance as Vice President -- The Bandit has learned that he is the nephew of the famous Three Stooge's member-- -- "Curly"

President Bush said "I knew he reminded me of someone -- i am a big fan of The Stooges".

Ex Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld and a Cheney pal said "Yep -- as a matter of fact when i was younger and had lot's of hair i strongly resembled Mo ".

So there you have it -- Bush Rumsfeld and Cheney -- the Three Stooges of American foreign policy!

Oxycotin Gets Rush Limbaugh In Cotton

The Bandit has learned that rabid conservative Mullah, Rush Limbaugh, made love to one of his prize sheep, in the barn, on his farm in Pennsylvania.

Clem Manure, farm manager said "his addiction to Oxycotin has taken over his mind -- he was plowing Cotton and he kept screaming "take it Laura you slut" -- referring to Laura Ingram his kinky conservative colleague"

Clem came forward because he is an animal activist and said that: "Dolly is so embarrased she has stopped grazing -- she won't come out of her stall -- plus there's the rest of the herd to think about."

Shawn Hannity , a Limbaugh lover said on Fox news this morning : "What's the big deal? -- it was a mature sheep and she probably asked for it."

Japanese Woman Gives Birth To Giant Squid

In another horrible example of the dramatic and disastrous changes taking place in the environment:

"Shinsuji Takamashaya gave birth to a twenty pound Giant Squid on the tiny Japanese atoll of Fonguyutu" - said Doctor Myashkenazi, an internist and genetic biologist with Japan's National Institute of Eco and Womb Research.

The human squid is considered to be sent by the God's in Taost tradition and will be reared by Japanese Monks in a sacred salt water tank .

Japan's Royal Monarch decreed an end to Whale hunting saying " This birth is a sign from the Nature Gods -- they are clearly pissed and we do not need to see a generation of human sushi appear in Japan."

Pat Robertson said " It's God's punishment of a pagan people who do not believe in our Jesus."

PS -- TheSquid's father was last seen rowing out to Sea and cannot be found -- he left a note; " How can i be a father to a Giant Squid?"

Osama Eats Stooly And is Feeling Mellow

A Pakistani tribal chieftain found a box of stool softners, dropped by an Apache helicoptor , in his remote mountain headquarters and brought it to Osama who he knew was very ungashtupped (backed up ) and in extreme distress from not taking a decent dump since Tora Bora.

"Osama took such a giant shit that he started a landslide -- he was laughing and dancing and the whole village was quite merry -- they ran around firing their guns in the air and began ripping the Bhurkas off the women and going moofki poofki with them "

"And then he went in his tent with his favorite goat and there where many pleasant noises".

Ahmadinijahd Gives Up Nuclear Program After Taking Dump

Iranian's demented and rabid American hater and Holocaust denyer said today in Teheran:

"Allah forgive me for my past blind hatred towards America and the Jews -- i was so ungershtupped (constipated) i could not see straight -- but after eating three American stooly softeners that they where kind enough to drop over our constipated land -- i feel great and have booked a trip to Las Vegas".

"And who needs Nuclear Bombs ?" -- " Please, send more stoolies! -- I only want ,now, to make a shit bomb."

Arab Muslims are Constipated says New Study

A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixt -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.

"Dr Moishe Pipick stated " these folks are really ungershtupped (stuffed up ) -- and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your behavior, and more importantly the attitude and actions of their violent Religious leaders who are already very ungershtupped, and in a culture where most people believe their bullshit (oops) to begin with."

President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region ".

Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."

Bush Sentences FEMA employees to Hard Time in New Orleans

President Bush announced,in his State of The Union address last night,that to finally make FEMA accountable for it's disastrous and ongoing mishandling of the New Orleans disaster -- that:

"You will all be moved to trailors in devastated areas of the city, so you can work in the same conditions that you helped create." He went on:

"Henceforth you will be called 'The Federal Mismanagement Agency'

"And any Agency member trying to escape will be prosecuted"

New Study Finds That Hunters Have Shorter Penis'

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife.

"Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the susequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled .us" said Mathew Pinsker,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).

RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete "Manhood"


webmaster @outdoorlife .com -- email and tell them to change their
magazine title to "OutdoorDeath"

Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq

The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce,in his Sate of The Union address ,that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:

"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya .for example. -- They are small but tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq".

'I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos heh! heh!) and VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers "

Fox Announces "Witch Doctors" a Reality Competition

"the next big thing in reality programs will be 'Voodoo Reality' and the audience will love it" said Moishe Pipick,Fox head of alternative reality programming at the NATPE convention in las Vegas.

Terminally ill patients will be brought to a v illage in the remote Burundi Highlands in Africa,where Witch Doctors will compete to cure a group of hopeless patients and restore thir health.

There will be Judging and prizes and internet voting -- if a patient should not respond and die,his family will receive a cash award.

Ideas for hosts may be posted to mailto:digibandit@blogspot.comor at What Sucks.blogspot.com

Elderly Women Break Walking Record

Barbara Lurie and Berta Munchengrappen have broken the long distance Jewish Women walking record in the over 85 category.

National Jewish Women's walking director,Mollie Ginsberg stated today :

"Relying on an exclusive diet of kosher pickles and stuffed cabbage,they walked 50 miles (25 times around the perimeter of Century Village in West Palm Beach Florida) in 12 hours and 22 minutes. -- they are a model of strength and fortitude for all of us".

The women in accepting their award said they where in a hurry to get to a Mahjong game but sent regards to their Grandchildren "who never call us -- so we keep busy by walking"

Asked how they would spend their award money:

Berta said she would get a hearing aid and Barbara said "What".

3D Artist's Totally Amazing Adventure

Sir Vasco De Gama, descendent of the famous Portuguese explorer who circumnavigated the globe in 1672, announced today,at the Explorer's Club in NYC, that Lee Nelson (an award winning animator) had circled the world in a tiny outboard motorboat (9 feet long with a 25 horsepower ancient evinrude motor) he had rented on Catalina Island off the coast of his home in Hollywood.

"It is a triumph of the human spirit and ranks with the greatest exploration achievements in History."

In accepting the Legion Of Explorer's medal, Mr. Nelson stated:

" wow -- i dropped my Swedish hottie off at the dock because she was being an asshole and i got lost in the fog -- and i just kept going -- kinda like Columbus dude."

He went on to say that "sponsorship opportunitiea where rolling in,and a new challenge was forthcoming"

When asked about the best part of his achievement he said "the babes,dude"

Exclusive From The Bandit -- Dwarfs and Pigs to Join forces In Iraq

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:

Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"