Fox Tv Announces “Ten Drunken Dwarfs Farting”

“I can’t take credit for this hot new addition to our summer reality line-up” said Fox TV pres. Mike Schlocknell.

“This sure fire hit is the brain child of our very own Rupert Murdoch” he said at a press conference in LA today “You know – “Rup has always maintained that if you did a whole show with nothing but Dwarfs sittin around drinking and getting loaded –and farting” “You’ll have a hit TV show Schlocknell!”

“So – we did some focus groups and sure enough Rup was absolutely right – folks were peeing in their pants –and we should have trusted Rup’s instincts from the get go –because if anyone has a feel for this shit –it’s Rup!”

“Isn’t the preferred term these days Little People - won’t they and the audience be offended by the word “Dwarfs?” asked digibandit Hollywood bureau chief –Elise Mandelbaum.

“Nope!” said Schlocknell - “ Rupe was very clear about that and he told me; “Mike – we don’t want ANY Little Folks! - Make sure you use ONLY dwarfs!”

“Are they gonna have a focus to their drunken fart laden commentary?” asked Mandelbaum.

“Oh yeah!” answered Schlocknell – the theme for the first thirteen shows is “ Obama Is Acting Like A? ” – like “President Obama is Acting Like a Baby” - Or he’s acting like a Spoiled Black Kid - Or He’s Acting Like a Muslim” -You get the idea Elise dontcha? -All that crybaby flap he voiced about Fox news!”

“Yeah –that Ruppert Murdoch sure is a creative character –he’s even more creative than you are Mike!”

“Well Elise” – he replied -“The Jews don’t have ALL the creativity around here” (off microphone -“But you sure have got great tits!”)

Mickey Mouse Becomes A Black "Pimp Mouse"

LOS ANGELES — For decades, the Walt Disney Company has largely kept Mickey Mouse frozen under glass, fearful that even the tiniest tinkering might tarnish the brand and upend his $5 billion or so in annual merchandise sales.

Now, however, concerned that Mickey has become more of a schmucky corporate symbol than a beloved character for recent generations of young people, Disney is taking the risky step of re-imagining him for the future as a Black "Pimp Mouse"

The first glimmer of this will be the introduction next year of a new video game, Epic Mickey, in which the formerly squeaky clean character can be cantankerous and cunning, as well as heroic, as he traverses a forbidding wasteland shtupping hot chics and killing white cops.

Moishe Pipick -head of Disney public relations said; " Let's face it -iwe are just a marketing moment away from parents suddenly realizing that their kids are using their Mickey Mouse shit as sex toys -I mean a fucking MOUSE invented in the forties for kids who spend ten hours a day with Grand Theft Auto?"

"I mean" - said Pipick - "the Mouse thing is cool - but it's gotta be "Pimped" for today's wacko kids"

Elise mandelbaum -digibandit entertainment reporter asked Pipick; "Well what the fuck about Goofy?"

"Excellent question Elise!" - "Goofy is being transformed -as we speak - into a cool rock star who runs a Medical Marijuana store in Venice Beach, California -and who also does porno movies."

"Wow! -said Mandelbaum -"Disney is really going for broke!"

"Yep" said Pippick - "And when you see Goofy you are gonna want to put those bodacious tata's of yours in his Goofy'mouth"

"Cool!"

.

And at the same time, in a parallel but separate effort, Disney has quietly embarked on an even larger project to rethink the character’s personality, from the way Mickey walks and talks to the way he appears on the Disney Channel and how children interact with him on the Web — even what his house looks like at Disney World.

Fox Announces –Weekend at Bernie’s –With Ruth Madoff

Fox TV president Mike Schlocknell said today –in a press conference at the posh LA eatery - Morton’s ; “This is gonna be bigger than Idol!”

Think of it as “Weekend At Bernie’s” three ha ha ha - I mean we originally were gonna call it “Weekends With Bernie at Butner. NC Federal Detention Center” – But – this is so much hipper with it’s reference to those two iconic Bernie movies -and like them – this is kinda like a dark comedy “

He continued; ‘I met with Ruth Madoff (who bye the way is still kinda hot) and when she swept into Palm Beach last month to meet with me and discuss this show concept with a quintet of girlfriends, her $7,500 Birkin bag dangling, and with her husband’s 74-year-old sister, who was ruined by Bernie’s scam, who is now watering plants and driving people to the airport just to make ends meet:

I knew we had the beginnings of a winner!

I mean broken victims owed millions in her husband's suspected Ponzi scheme are fighting for pennies on the dollar, but Ruth Madoff says $62 million she squirreled away is none of their business.

Ruthy has an E. 64th St. apartment, valued at $7 million, as well as $45 million in municipal bonds controlled by Cohmad Securities and $17 million in a Wachovia account.

.Ruth Madoff has never been criminally charged in her husband's alleged fraud, but federal investigators continue to probe others who may have had a hand in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme that's been called the largest in the nation's history.”

Schlocknell continued:”And –she knows where ALL the bodies are buried! - Just think of the drama as she sits with Bernie –shows family videos – talks with Bernie’s two hated sons Mark and Andrew –– meets with the victims oye vey i'm having an an orgasm!”

He went on; 'And that stuff is only the beginning of the TV friendly stuff that's gonna GUSH from this show - I mean -this is the stuff that American;s DREAM of watching!"

Schlocknell concluded; "I mean - you talk about schadenfraude - There will be thirty million American's tuned into this show screaming -The fucking Jews finally got it up the ass! -Fuck em! - Look at these two fucking Hebes! - What a fucking Jewish Princess whore that Ruth Madoff is! - Look at that tan on that fucking Jew Madoff will ya! -

Get me another beer Martha! -And tell the kids to shut the fuck up- i can't here what she's saying!"

Russia Tied With Frazier Park CA. - In Alcohol Consumption

Russians consume roughly 4.75 gallons of pure alcohol a person annually, more than double the level that theWorld Health Organization considers a health threat. The consumption figure for the United States is about 2.3 gallons.

The country will have difficulty resolving its demographic crisis — its population is predicted to drop nearly 20 percent by 2050 — if it does not confront its alcohol problem. Life expectancy for Russian men is now 60 years, in part because of alcoholism.

Researchers studying mortality in three industrial cities in Siberia in the 1990s found that in several years, alcohol was the cause of more than half of all deaths of people ages 15 to 54, often from accidents, violence or alcohol poisoning, according to a report this year in The Lancet, a London-based medical publication.

The Public Chamber, a Kremlin advisory panel, has asserted that roughly 500,000 people die annually in Russia from causes directly related to or aggravated by alcohol.

But Frazier Park CA. Still leads in obesity and spousal and pet abuse.

USA Should Offer Prisoners A Corporate BuyOut

OK -Your serving twenty five to life or life without parole (or maybe even apply to ALL sentences?) -AND -have we got a deal for you!

We will pay your designated recipient thirty thousand dollars (tax free) - AND you will get one month at the National Prisoner Pleasure Retreat (NPPS) - located on what the Feds are calling "Eagle Island"

Think of the Eagles great song "Hotel California" with those haunting lyrics 'You can check out but you never leave'

At the conclusion of their one month stay - warm in the glow of the most georgeous and sensuous pleasure providers Uncle Sam can provide (even some female inmate hotties who will get sentence reductions for their service) - And "High as a kite bye now" (as Elton John put it):

An official slips some junk in their martini and it's painlessly over!

The good ole USA taxpayer saves 40k (ave.yearly cost for incarceration) times the number of years the prisoner would have been supported behind bars.

His poor family gets a nice bit of change.

And he goes out with a bang

Hey - It's no different than corporations who offer buyouts -and save billions - to their old and washed up employees:

EXCEPT for the stay on "Eagle Island" which is an awfully nice bonus -and:

One that i'm willing to bet most corporate buyout victims would grab in a minute if Uncle Sam stepped up to the plate with the corporations! - AND - the government would save a ton on Social Security payments. (i mean they do get the martini dessert if they accept the added option) -Options! -Just like with Medicare

"You Can check-out but you never leave"

Another breakthrough concept from the digibandit!

Even Halloween Sucks In American Schools

A memo about costume appropriateness sent home recently by Riverside Drive’s (LA) principal made the following points:

¶They should not depict gangs or horror characters, or be scary.

¶Masks are allowed only during the parade.

¶Costumes may not demean any race, religion, nationality, handicapped condition or gender.

¶No fake fingernails.

¶No weapons, even fake ones.

¶Shoes must be worn.

Joel Bishoff’s children will make the cut at Riverside Drive. His second grader will be Dorothy (not the witch!) from “The Wizard of Oz,” while his fifth-grade son will wear a costume depicting a box of Wheaties.

And then young Moishe Bishoff will go home and jump on his xbox -assume the role of a black teenage gang banger - and start slaughtering cops and old ladies for four hours.

His sister Sarah will be up in her room watching "Girls Gone Bad" while she revs up her vibrator -and Mom will be in the kitchen washing down her Xanax with a Martini while watching "Desperate Housewives of Whore Valley" -and Dad is late because he's out fucking his assistant.

So shove the Wheaties and Carrots costumes up your local school board's assholes -and get with the program.

It's Rome 500 AD baby - way to late for Goofy and Mickey Mouse - Everyday is Halloween in this fun house of a country -and you don't NEED a costume.

Happy Halloweeny!

The Vulture

Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.

Vultures look like this (see pix on blog), eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.

Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.

Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).

- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.

- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.

- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.

- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.

- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”

But -Remember this -A Vulture unlike a homo priest -will not fuck a nine year old Altar Boy in the tuchas.

Pope Tells Africans To Stop Fucking

On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking!

"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:

"But i -Your'e Pope - don't have a cock -so don't worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"

'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."

That Pope is quite a guy!

But they ain't listening - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed or has advanced stage leprosy)

"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."

These guys are from another fucking planet!

Welcome Prisoners To The Congo - Bend Over!

FLORENCE, Ariz. — One of the newest residents on Arizona’s death row, a convicted serial killer named Dale Hausner, poked his head up from his television to look at several visitors strolling by, each of whom wore face masks and vests to protect against the sharp homemade objects that often are propelled from the cells of the condemned.

Multimedia

It is a dangerous place to patrol, and Arizona spends $4.7 million each year to house inmates like Mr. Hausner in a super-maximum-security prison. But in a first in the criminal justice world, the state’s death row inmates could become the responsibility of a private company.

Well here's a much better idea!

The United States Should Sell It's Prison Population

Ny Times :The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Study Confirms Fox News Audience Heavily Dysfunctional

Average Fox news viewers have a thirty five percent lower IQ

85% have never read a book

27% are wife beaters (3x the national average)

69% of the women are obese and 89% of the men

86% believe Mary was a virgin

84% OF MEN GET LAID LESS THAN ONCE PER MONTH

89%of women have never performed oral sex and 99% of them have ever experienced cunnilingus.

73% of men and 85% of women are ugly and hairy

Over 60%of men AND women are alcoholics and/or druggies.

99% are Christian

Over 70% of ALL their men and Women beat their children AND their pets.

They earn 49% less income than CNN viewers.

Over half the Men AND Women are homophobes AND racists

Twelve %of Men have fucked a sheep

Fifteen % of the Women have used a cucumber

This study was extensive and Moishe Pipick president of National Data Services -a worldwide polling and statistical research organization -headquartered in Bern, Switzerland said today:

"So? - What's so surprising? -These folks are basically morons!"

Folks Now Renting Car's To Homeless

The first night after she surrendered her house to foreclosure, Sheri West endured the darkness in her rented Hyundai sedan. She parked in her old driveway, with her flower-print dresses and hats piled in boxes on the back seat, and three cherished houseplants on the floor. She used her backyard as a restroom.

American's are innovators - and with so many folks unable to make their car payments -and so many NEW homeless folks due to home foreclosures - waddya do?

You guessed it -they rent out their cars as homes! -Yep - 250 bucks a month will get ya a nice cozy space in a 1990 Hundai Sedan (trunk rights are 5 bucks a month extra) Toilet paper and yard rights are extra!

I mean -that is the spirit and energy of a free market economy that the Republican's can really be proud of.

Right up until the day - maybe coming sooner than they think -when they see the torches and pitchforks glowing and waving outside their suburban enclaves.

"Let Em Eat Cake!" said Marie Antoinette -right before the French Revolutionaries lopped off her head and the Kings -and most of the rich folks.

Fox TV Announces "Balloon Boy"

Fox Reality TV wasted no time in signing up the rights to the "Balloon Boy" Family.

Fox Television president Herb Schlockwinder announced today:

'Hey we know a great reality opportunity when we see one and this "Balloon Boy" family has got it all!"

He continued: "I mean they are dysfunctional (in a sweet way) - totally sociopathic - and are convinced that kids were put on earth to be exploited - I mean -It's ALL there!"

Digibandit Hollywood reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked Schlockwinder "What's the show about?"

"Heh! Heh! Heh!" said Schlockwinder -"Hey Elise -you are one pushy Jew! -You know i can't give that away! "But i will say you're looking great today (overheard wispering "Great Tits" to his assistant) -AND - the show will be kinda like 'The Osbournes" meets The Balloon Boy Family"

"Thanks Herb - and their perfect - and i would rather have a leper touch them than you!"

"BBBBBBBBut Elise c'mon -hey come back here (overheard saying "What a tight Jewy Ass") -I'll give you a scoop!" - says Schlockwinder.

Fox IS Reality!

Women Have Ruined America -And Castrated Men

With two thirds od all women now working -and soon to comprise over fifty percent of the workforce (up from nineteen percent in 1950 - here's the cultural impact:

The economy has completely tanked

Wages are totally depressed

Children are neglected

High school dropout rates are over forty five percent

Thirty five percent of children are obese (and adult obesity is at epidemic proportions

Men get laid thirty percent less per month and are sexually frustrated.

Spousal abuse has climbed twenty eight percent.

Divorce rates are over fifty percent -and seventy five percent of all married couples are miserable.

Twenty five percent of all men are now gay -and another thirty percent are thinking about it.

Ten percent of all men now say they would fuck a sheep.

Congratulations!