A team of doctors from "Coyote Arm" International has confirmed that Manny Orbach from Bensonhurst in Brooklyn NYC - Chewed off a large chunk of his leg (which had to be subsequently amputated) -thinking it was his arm) when he awoke from a night of drunken revelry with Elise Mandelbaum draped across his body.
Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".
Want to get that "shopper's high" without actually spending a dime?
Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?
Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?
Well - with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks
And you high roller's can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars in credits for a paltry three hundred bucks.
So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.
And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and friends - getting yet another " consumption fix" - for free - when you open them.
And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Pipick's "Shopped" us for our housewarming." As your friend unwraps and reads the gift description - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".
And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!
Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!
“I can’t take credit for this hot new addition to our summer reality line-up” said Fox TV pres. Mike Schlocknell.
LOS ANGELES — For decades, the Walt Disney Company has largely kept Mickey Mouse frozen under glass, fearful that even the tiniest tinkering might tarnish the brand and upend his $5 billion or so in annual merchandise sales. Now, however, concerned that Mickey has become more of a schmucky corporate symbol than a beloved character for recent generations of young people, Disney is taking the risky step of re-imagining him for the future as a Black "Pimp Mouse" The first glimmer of this will be the introduction next year of a new video game, Epic Mickey, in which the formerly squeaky clean character can be cantankerous and cunning, as well as heroic, as he traverses a forbidding wasteland shtupping hot chics and killing white cops. Moishe Pipick -head of Disney public relations said; " Let's face it -iwe are just a marketing moment away from parents suddenly realizing that their kids are using their Mickey Mouse shit as sex toys -I mean a fucking MOUSE invented in the forties for kids who spend ten hours a day with Grand Theft Auto?" "I mean" - said Pipick - "the Mouse thing is cool - but it's gotta be "Pimped" for today's wacko kids" Elise mandelbaum -digibandit entertainment reporter asked Pipick; "Well what the fuck about Goofy?" "Excellent question Elise!" - "Goofy is being transformed -as we speak - into a cool rock star who runs a Medical Marijuana store in Venice Beach, California -and who also does porno movies." "Wow! -said Mandelbaum -"Disney is really going for broke!" "Yep" said Pippick - "And when you see Goofy you are gonna want to put those bodacious tata's of yours in his Goofy'mouth" "Cool!" . And at the same time, in a parallel but separate effort, Disney has quietly embarked on an even larger project to rethink the character’s personality, from the way Mickey walks and talks to the way he appears on the Disney Channel and how children interact with him on the Web — even what his house looks like at Disney World.
Fox TV president Mike Schlocknell said today –in a press conference at the posh LA eatery - Morton’s ; “This is gonna be bigger than Idol!”
.Ruth Madoff has never been criminally charged in her husband's alleged fraud, but federal investigators continue to probe others who may have had a hand in a $50 billion Ponzi scheme that's been called the largest in the nation's history.”
He went on; 'And that stuff is only the beginning of the TV friendly stuff that's gonna GUSH from this show - I mean -this is the stuff that American;s DREAM of watching!"
Schlocknell concluded; "I mean - you talk about schadenfraude - There will be thirty million American's tuned into this show screaming -The fucking Jews finally got it up the ass! -Fuck em! - Look at these two fucking Hebes! - What a fucking Jewish Princess whore that Ruth Madoff is! - Look at that tan on that fucking Jew Madoff will ya! -
Get me another beer Martha! -And tell the kids to shut the fuck up- i can't here what she's saying!"
Russians consume roughly 4.75 gallons of pure alcohol a person annually, more than double the level that theWorld Health Organization considers a health threat. The consumption figure for the United States is about 2.3 gallons. The country will have difficulty resolving its demographic crisis — its population is predicted to drop nearly 20 percent by 2050 — if it does not confront its alcohol problem. Life expectancy for Russian men is now 60 years, in part because of alcoholism. Researchers studying mortality in three industrial cities in Siberia in the 1990s found that in several years, alcohol was the cause of more than half of all deaths of people ages 15 to 54, often from accidents, violence or alcohol poisoning, according to a report this year in The Lancet, a London-based medical publication. The Public Chamber, a Kremlin advisory panel, has asserted that roughly 500,000 people die annually in Russia from causes directly related to or aggravated by alcohol. But Frazier Park CA. Still leads in obesity and spousal and pet abuse.
OK -Your serving twenty five to life or life without parole (or maybe even apply to ALL sentences?) -AND -have we got a deal for you!
A memo about costume appropriateness sent home recently by Riverside Drive’s (LA) principal made the following points: ¶They should not depict gangs or horror characters, or be scary. ¶Masks are allowed only during the parade. ¶Costumes may not demean any race, religion, nationality, handicapped condition or gender. ¶No fake fingernails. ¶No weapons, even fake ones. ¶Shoes must be worn. Joel Bishoff’s children will make the cut at Riverside Drive. His second grader will be Dorothy (not the witch!) from “The Wizard of Oz,” while his fifth-grade son will wear a costume depicting a box of Wheaties. And then young Moishe Bishoff will go home and jump on his xbox -assume the role of a black teenage gang banger - and start slaughtering cops and old ladies for four hours. His sister Sarah will be up in her room watching "Girls Gone Bad" while she revs up her vibrator -and Mom will be in the kitchen washing down her Xanax with a Martini while watching "Desperate Housewives of Whore Valley" -and Dad is late because he's out fucking his assistant. So shove the Wheaties and Carrots costumes up your local school board's assholes -and get with the program. It's Rome 500 AD baby - way to late for Goofy and Mickey Mouse - Everyday is Halloween in this fun house of a country -and you don't NEED a costume. Happy Halloweeny!
Behold, the bird’s entry into the “World’s Shittiest Animal Sweepstakes”- the vulture.
Vultures look like this (see pix on blog), eat rotting flesh and defend themselves by projectile vomiting at their enemies. Throw in the fact that that they can fly, can grow to have wing spans of close to 6 feet, and grunt and hiss like giant snakes when they feel threatened, and you have an animal fashioned from the nightmares of Edgar Allen Poe, as directed by Tim Burton, in a very bad mood.
Toss in the popular notion that you only see these things when you’re alone, near death, somehow stuck walking alone through a dessert, and we’re pretty much talking about the opposite of a butterfly here.
Consider these vulture fun facts: (Spoiler alert- they are not fun).
- a vulture can eat a diseased corpse of an animal, and through its digestive system, the disease will be rendered neutral, that is to say, the vulture’s poop will be clean. Which is nice.
- the vomit of a vulture has more acidic content than acid rain, and if its incredible stench doesn’t scare away its predator, the vomit contacting the skin will actually burn it.
- vultures urinate on themselves as a method of cooling their skin and destroying bacteria that may have gotten on them while feeding on a dying, diseased animal. Sure, they could be more careful about eating, but then they wouldn't have the need to pee on themselves.
- a vulture will often begin eating an animal corpse at its anus or at its eyes. Why? Because in most cases, that is where the dead animal is most vulnerable. So, ah, take that, other animals who think they’re creepy- I’m talking to YOU- eels, tapeworms and ticks.
- vultures can smell a dead mouse under leaves at 200 feet in the sky. To put that in perspective, consider that if milk smells bad, you know immediately to not put it in your coffee- the vulture would be all like “ah, no, it’s the other way around.”
On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking! "Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs: But they ain't listening - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed or has advanced stage leprosy) "The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote." These guys are from another fucking planet!
"But i -Your'e Pope - don't have a cock -so don't worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"
'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!
FLORENCE, Ariz. — One of the newest residents on Arizona’s death row, a convicted serial killer named Dale Hausner, poked his head up from his television to look at several visitors strolling by, each of whom wore face masks and vests to protect against the sharp homemade objects that often are propelled from the cells of the condemned. It is a dangerous place to patrol, and Arizona spends $4.7 million each year to house inmates like Mr. Hausner in a super-maximum-security prison. But in a first in the criminal justice world, the state’s death row inmates could become the responsibility of a private company. Well here's a much better idea! Ny Times :The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.Multimedia
Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
