xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 08/01/2010 - 09/01/2010

Monday, August 30, 2010

From Beck's Mouth To God's Ears

“There’s nothing we can do that will solve the problems that we have and keep the peace unless we solve it through God,” he told “Fox News Sunday.”

He also expressed regret for having asserted last year that Mr. Obama was a racist with a “deep-seated hatred for white people,” a comment that many critics felt undercut Mr. Beck’s assertion of racial tolerance.

“It was poorly said — I have a big fat mouth sometimes,” Mr. Beck said.

Glen Beck has NO concrete ideas -A complete abscence of intellect and wisdom - He is a mean spirited ideologue -A Mormon rabble rouser in the mold of Joseph Smith the Charlatan founder of The Mormons AND:



Along with the ignorant rabble of Bible belters and fellow ideologues like Sarah Palin they have demonstrated to all sensible American's -AND the World - The stark difference between the voices of compassion and reason and thoughtfullness -and the fear and anger and lack of wisdom that inhabit a significant portion of humanity.

Dreary expletives and an idiotic ideology fraught with populist generalities that inhibits rationale problem solving real progress and social justice is their Mantra..

Always been that way with that crowd -Always will

Monday, August 23, 2010

Do Muslim Suicide Bombers Go To Paradise?

Look --The Muslims in NYC have EVERY moral and legal right established since before the Magna Carta to build their fucking Mosque at Ground Zero.

Build away! -Most Americans who are fired up over this are complete assholes -BUT -they are rightfully sick to their stomachs at seeing Muslims blow each other and American Soldiers to pieces because some ignorant and repressed Muslim religious leader says it's ok - And that they will be rewarded by Allah and sent directly to Paradise"

"Hi I'm Allah -meet Mohamma -Welcome and nice job -take a swim -get your dick sucked by a Virgin - let me show you around"

OK -Let's cut the crap -NOW is the time! -Let's heae a great crying out from World Muslim Religious leaders and all those Muslims who REALLY are our friends - That killing innocent civilians -for whatever motivation -is a Koranic No No -and you will be barred from Paradise forever for any such actions


OTHERWISE - pack your bags and get out of Dodge while the getting is good!

Unreasonable and unfair and undemocratic as many American's are behaving -and unfortunately motivated by morons like Palin and Lazio and Limbaugh et al -- They have a right to be confused and pissed off by the barbarism they see taking place in the Muslim world --SO --C'mon -show us the truth and magnitude of morality inherent in YOUR Bible -So that we are sure about it!

Be reasonable -it's not asking a lot to ask you Muslims to prevent your holy book from being used as a tool to endanger Civilization.

Hey -when the rednecks were enslaving and lynching black foklks in America they were spouting Scripture -BUT we had a war over that and 600 thousand Americans were killed in the process of beginning to set things right.

You folks gotta start the ball rolling about stopping the justification for suicide bombing coming out of The Koran!

THATS the Focus for all the nice Muslims we keep hearing about --AND NOW!

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Jesus Spotted at "Center of the World" Festival

Lurine Swarthout - An avid congregant of The "Shepherd of the Mountains Lutheran Church" was attending the annual "Center of the World"Festival in nearbye Pine Mountain Village "when a bright light burst from the heavens and there was Jesus staring down and crying"

At least a dozen other spectators claim to have seen the same vision -and many more said they heard celestial bells and one man said he felt a tingling in his groin.

Sunday is the final day of the Festival and word is spreading quickly that Jesus is in attendance.

The owners of the Pine Mountain Club grocery store -local bar and gas station have all claimed to have clearly seen the Saviour walking around the festival grounds -and the Gas Station proprietor is adament about having spotted the Virgin Mary's face on one of his gas pumps.

WELL - SOMETHING is up - up there in Pine Mountain Club Village -- and we'll have more on this tomorrow.

In the meantime if you're planning on checking out the action you better allow at least twelve hours to drive from Los Angeles up to Pine Mountain Club as Pilgrimages are already being organized.

One other thing -Jesus being spotted crying in a location directly adjacent to The San Andreus fault Line -May not be the best of Omens?

Or maybe it was the drumming?

Friday, August 20, 2010

"Blackberry Brain Disease" Afflicting Millions

The Universal Cultural Research Institute in Berne, Switzerland announced the results of a five year study of over ten thousand seemingly successful and normal - high usage Blackberry owners.

"The results were startling and extremely alarming" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick -Head of neuroscientific data analysis for the institute.

He stated; "I won't bore you with the elaborate stem cortex graph analysis data -or the comprehensive back-up documentation regarding behavioral pathology and emotional deconstruction - along with the acute alteration of logic and emotional circuitry in the cerebral cortex -caused by this device in the hands of high user Alpha males."


Dr. Pipick continued; "But i will say that what we call "Assumptive Logic Pathology" -Which is a mental disorder common to 87% of those in our study - where they are making judgements based on a minimal percentage of the data they are receiving (that info contained in the first paragraph of the Blackberry communiques) -

"BUT - their brains -which have evolved a logical paradigm for more detailed and semi-comprehensive information analysis over millions of years -is being frustrated and -how shall i say it in non technical terms? --In German, Freud called it --Ungershtupped mitten horst manureschweigen infoschlacken"

He concluded; "In other words -stuffed and confused - or overloaded with horsehit information!"

"Can you give us an example of "Assumptive Logical Pathology " Dr. Pipick?" - Asked digibandit Science Reporter -Elise Mandelbaum.

"YES! -here's a typical one - A Television program developer received an urgent email from his aged Mother's heart specialist in which the first words on the Blackberry were "Have idea which you will find important and crucial"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The busy emotionally overloaded program executive quickly sent back a message after getting what he thought was the info gist of the communique "Sorry Doc -too busy to deal with elevator concepts (quicky creative concepts) from you"

"WELL -What the program executive failed to read was the part of the message which said; " Your Mom in coma! -Severe heart attack ! -Need immediate approvalfor radical new stent implantation!"

Dr Pipick concluded; "AND this will Kill ya Elise! -The Dr's next email back to the TV Development big shot said -- in the first three words of a message explaining the DEATH of our programmer's mother: "Mom is gone..... "

"AND the guy sends the Dr. back a quicky Blackberry shot -"Hey Doc! -There are three shows on the air right now about Mothers yaddadada -please give me a break here -- OH! -And how's my mother doing?"

Sunday, August 15, 2010

GW Was Right About "Uteroil" C'mon Obama!

Two years ago GW had the answer to the Fossil Fuel/Climate Change crisis - as i reported to the fury of the Moronic Religious Rednecks:

SATURDAY, JANUARY 19, 2008
Major Breakthrough In Fossil Fuel Replacement -- Uteroil

The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.

"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."

He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."

"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.

He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"

President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"

When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."

"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."

As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."

Too late!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

My Answer To The Unemployment Crisis

We’re not heading toward the danger zone. We’re there. The U.S. will not remain a stable society if this great employment crisis is not addressed head-on — and soon. You cannot allow joblessness on this scale to fester. It’s wrong, and the blowback will be as destructive and intolerable as it is inevitable -Bob Herbert NY Times


SO -it's simple and necessary -EVERY profitable US corporation AND all Americans with savings and assets totalling above one million dollars :

HAS to hire a required number of the unemployed -Based on an equitable formula --a percentage of their assets -to be determined by Congress..

The Corporations are rolling in dough and loving this new -high productivity -squeeze the shit out of the employees paradigm!

And the rich can afford to hire some folks! --It won't even put a dent in their lifestyles --hire some tutors and maybe even some spiritual mentors --Lordy knows the kids AND the parents need emotional assistance in this fucked up society.

Or you can sit idly by and hire security guards later.

The revolucion may be coming?

Monday, August 09, 2010

Fox TV Announces - "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver"

Mike Schlocknell Fox Reality Tv President related a story his Maternal Russian Grandfather -Moishe Pipick used to tell them as kids:

"Now children this is a fable called "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver" BUT
It's what adults call a metaphor - meaning an example of something else -and in this case the Beaver is an example of a kind of woman we call in Russian "Gevaltnish Pussy -or '"Killer Woman" -or "Killer Pussy -and it's about eating them before they destroy the trees - a metaphor for eating (or destroying) YOU - OR it's ok to just EAt them but don't get involved which is too advanced for you at five years old -but anyway -- "The Beaver was lying in the pond on her back and along comes...."

Schlocknell continued: "So - Hewlitt Packard's CEO is just the latest victim of the "Beaver Trap" Another high rolling power brokering -super successful Alpha Male -reduced to cowering in front of John Q Pulic - out there looking for blood and schadenfreude and a good ole Beaver Trapped - Gotcha! - tale of demise."

"AND - we're gonna give the folks out there in TV land a lot of red meat and blood and guts to soothe their insatiable appetite for stories about Celebrities and Politicians -and Business Moguls torn apart by the endless hordes of Hot Beavers out there ready to tear the balls off any Powerful Buck who shows a sign of weakness."


"Mark V Hurd getting torn apart by Jodie Fisher is just the latest example of a long list of "Prime Bulls" to be denutted by a savage Beaver -And At Fox TV -THEY won't just be eaten and forgotten"


"Save a tree -EAT a Beaver!" Summer of 2011

Fox TV Announces - "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver"

Mike Schlocknell Fox Reality Tv President related a story his Maternal Russian Grandfather -Moishe Pipick used to tell them as kids:

"Now children this is a fable called "Save A Tree -Eat A Beaver" BUT
It's what adults call a metaphor - meaning an example of something else -and in this case the Beaver is an example of a kind of woman we call in Russian "Gevaltnish Pussy -or '"Killer Woman" -or "Killer Pussy -and it's about eating them before they destroy the trees - a metaphor for eating (or destroying) YOU - OR it's ok to just EAt them but don't get involved which is too advanced for you at five years old -but anyway -- "The Beaver was lying in the pond on her back and along comes...."

Schlocknell continued: "So - Hewlitt Packard's CEO is just the latest victim of the "Beaver Trap" Another high rolling power brokering -super successful Alpha Male -reduced to cowering in front of John Q Pulic - out there looking for blood and schadenfreude and a good ole Beaver Trapped - Gotcha! - tale of demise."

"AND - we're gonna give the folks out there in TV land a lot of red meat and blood and guts to soothe their insatiable appetite for stories about Celebrities and Politicians -and Business Moguls torn apart by the endless hordes of Hot Beavers out there ready to tear the balls off any Powerful Buck who shows a sign of weakness."


"Mark V Hurd getting torn apart by Jodie Fisher is just the latest example of a long list of "Prime Bulls" to be denutted by a savage Beaver -And At Fox TV -THEY won't just be eaten and forgotten"


"Save a tree -EAT a Beaver!" Summer of 2011

Sunday, August 08, 2010

Dog Hating Muslims Should Be Deported

First of all any group that believes that dogs are ritually unclean -especially one known for it's lack of sanitation and personal hygiene -AND who live in a country with 83 million dog owners/lovers is asking for trouble.

AND -all the Muslims and their spiritual leaders have a responsibility to speak out against Islamo Fascism -and it would be nice to see at least ONE "March Against Muslim Fundamentalist Butchers" take place somewhere -anywhere -anytime now in America.

Hey you Muslims are dealing with folks who almost wiped out the Jews for a crime they believe some Jew commited 2000 years ago -and refused to let Catholics vote in the original thirteen colonies (except Maryland which was mostly Catholic). AND detained innocent Japanese citizens during WW2 in concentration camps just because they were short.

What the fuck do you think these maniacs are prepared to do to a bunch of folks who don't say boo when their brethren are trying to annihilate us Infidels 24/7.

And you Muslims don't eat BBQ pork and hate dogs and TV and video games and kinky sex - on top of all that other Koranic Violence shit.

Lotsa luck - and take a bath!


The woeful lack of protestation by American Muslims has rightfully led to the morons of The Religious right and the American rednecks to martial their hatred against them-here are some of the latest examples -published in The NY Times:


"In Murfreesboro, Tenn., Republican candidates have denounced plans for a large Muslim center proposed near a subdivision, and hundreds of protesters have turned out for a march and a county meeting.

In late June, in Temecula, Calif., members of a local Tea Party group took dogs and picket signs to Friday prayers at a mosque that is seeking to build a new worship center on a vacant lot nearby.

In Sheboygan, Wis., a few Christian ministers led a noisy fight against a Muslim group that sought permission to open a mosque in a former health food store bought by a Muslim doctor.

At one time, neighbors who did not want mosques in their backyards said their concerns were over traffic, parking and noise — the same reasons they might object to a church or a synagogue. But now the gloves are off.

In all of the recent conflicts, opponents have said their problem is Islam itself. They quote passages from the Koran and argue that even the most Americanized Muslim secretly wants to replace the Constitution with Islamic Shariah law."

Friday, August 06, 2010

Who Cares Whose In The Graves?

All this hullabaloo about mismarked graves at Arlington National Cemetery seems ridiculous to me.

I mean if i suddenly found out I've been praying over some rotting organic stuff that used to be the body of Moishe Feingold instead of Elise Mandelbaum -my mother -who gives a shit?

It's symbolic right? I mean it's not like Mom is down the lane screaming "No! No!! -I'm over here"

And even if she was conscious down there - i think SHE would think it's funny -and if she is stuck down there rotting away she could sure use a good laugh.

And speaking of laughs -imagine the Lee's are all praying away and paying condolences over private Eustus Clayton - a black man who fell at Gettysburg -instead of their great grandfather and esteemed Southern General -who is actually feeding worms one hundred yards away down the road?

Now that's laughs and irony all around.

They should just tear down all the gravestones -erect one big monument and plant Medical Marijuana - and raise money for deficit reduction.

AllThat fertilizer would guarantee a bountiful harvest.

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Jesus and Paul Announce Malibu Wedding

At last the Homo icons of Christianity are at Peace -As a California Judge opened the door of marriage to allof God's children;

And -ALSO - ironically - to Jesus and St Paul -both well known homo's in their time on Earth -who have always said they would like to be wed together in Southern California.

So while the moron Mormons -along with all the other Neanderthals on the religious right -and the whole Rush(Oxycotin) Limbaugh and Fox News crowd cries about the end of the world at the hands of the progressives:

Jesus and Paul will be in a Honeymoon suite in Malibu -fucking each other in marital Ecstasy.

The big question is -who is Mohammad the greatest Moslem homo gonna hook up with?

Maybe Krishna?