Don't Bring A pussy To A Knife Fight

In a twist on the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight." -- Sheryl Manglelbush, head pollster for Gallup/USA said; "In our latest poll we asked Americans the following question:

"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"

Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:

John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.

Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.

Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!

Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.

John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.

Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.

"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.

Satan Is A Pussy

"No, no, no to Satan! No, no, no to America! No, no, no to occupation! No, no, no to Israel!"MOKTADA AL-SADR, the populist Shiite cleric, speaking to worshipers yesterday on his return to Iraq."

"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.

He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."

The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"

"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"

"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."

"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.

It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."

"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."

"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."

Happy Memorial Day

Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq

The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce , on his weekly radio address, that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya for example; they are fast and tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq"

"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."

The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.

"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.

Rudy Giuliani To Buy Mexico With Donald Trump

"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said Republican presidential frontrunner Rudy Giuliani in a press conference with the Donald at a Wall Street press conference, with their hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs." We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousand American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Giuliani.

Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.

This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).

Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."

Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"

Jerry Falwell Get's Shocking Welcome From God

Walking through the pearly gates on his way to see the “Big Guy” in the sky -- The Rev was probably a little bit confused by the fact that the two Angels escorting him were black cross-dressers.

He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.

Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.

“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:

“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”

So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!

So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit

Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)

"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Who Was The First Mother?

It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

Troops In Iraq Are Horniest Soldiers In History

Throughout the history of warfare (man's favorite pastime) and especially American history, one of the major incentives for soldiers was the availability of pussy.

Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).

Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"

He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.

He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."

He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"

The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."

"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"

One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"

Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod

It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!

"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"

"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"

"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"

Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."

And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:

Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"

Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!

Some Chick Messed Up God --Really Bad!

Los Angeles Times -- today: "Gender issues nix interfaith soccer" -filed
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;

"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.

A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."

Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.

The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)

These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).

Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"

Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."

God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!

'Neglect Your Kid's And Do Time" Say's Rudy Giuliani

Responding to all the liberal whining,in the wake of surging gang violence across the country; that poor folks have to work three jobs and aren't around for their kids and Bush has cut neighborhood programs so these poor neglected kids have nothing to do but rape mame and murder with their unsupervised time.

"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"

"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"

He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"

Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"

"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."

'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."

"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.

Hillary To lead "No More Free Pussy" Crusade

Hillary The warrior Queen announced today; 'The world is divided into two basic groups.! --In the smaller but more advanced and powerful one; women have the right not to fuck men unless they want to.In the other group,ie. --all of Africa--The Muslim countries -- most of India - and most third world nations -- Men just fuck their women anytime they want to -- it's basically rape!"

Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."

It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!

"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.

'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!