xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 08/01/2008 - 09/01/2008

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Sarah Palin Says Hillary Is A Pussy - Would Have Cut Bill's Penis Off

"If i found out that my hubbie got sucked off by some young Inuit hotty in the back room of the Antler Inn down in Injun town:

"I would cut his balls off with my Reindeer skinnin knife - and put a slug into her pussy - and then wreck the whole fucking place with my Hockey stick!"

"I mean - maybe it's de rigeur for some slut to moon your hubbie and then swallow his throbbing old member in the White House?"

"But up here in the wilderness - you fuck around with another woman's man and you wind up as Seal bait."

"And - i gotta lota respect for Hillary - but - Billy boy is still walkin round with a swingin dick? -- Uh Uh Uh - my hubbie's unit would be in a jar next to the Moose i kilt last spring."

"Well - i gotta run right now - gotta get my armpits and legs waxed before the convention:

"But - we'll talk some more later..........."

Friday, August 29, 2008

"Whitey" McCaine Must Be Fucking Sarah Palin

BECAUSE:

She has less policy and managerial experience than your average Walmart store manager!

Being rabidly pro-life she instantly pisses off 85% of American women.

She's pushing for expanded drilling in Alaska - and for a new pipeline to carry the carbon.(duh)

And if Casper keels over - the nuclear codes get turned over to a fiercely religious redneck soccer mom from the Alaskan boonies.

Should be quite comforting to our Allies and the Muslim nutcases?

But - But - But -- like Cindy McCaine -she is an ex beauty queen - AND:

She can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

All Hail Obama - Bring On The Chariots and Charging Elephants

Obama makes his big speech tonight in Denver's version of the Roman Coliseum - with the fake columns and fantastick lighting and sound effects and all that crappy circus hoopla designed to expand his "enthusiasm gap" over poor "Old Whitey".

Here are some additional production elements that his team could easily add to the carnival - which would really kick the whole event "Up A Notch" - and put some real strategic "BAM" in "O Bam A"

Chariots - charge in - circling the arena - all BLACK stallions driven by shiny black male charioteers - followed by a legion of black Amazonian women carrying spears.(think five thousand Serena Williams look alikes)

Next - a huge herd of Bull Elephants roars and trumpets its way across the field flaanked by a legion of all white senior citizens. - And - their grandchildren - dressed all in white -- are riding atop the elephants - waving American flags.

Then - a legion of the 'Working class" marches in! -- Hispanics -Cubans - Dominicans - Native Americans - Asians - Armenians -Poor Whites - Inuits :

EVERY ethnic group and sub-group and cultural stereotype imagineable! - Gays - Dwarfs - the Handicapped - you name it - AND they each have their own flag and marching band like the High Schools in the Thanksgiving Day parade .

AND -- next come the "Sponsor Floats" - with lobbyists and big donors riding on them -- and throwing cheap baubles into the crowd like at Mardi Gras.

And - bringing up the rear a huge contingent of "RELIGIOUS" fanatics!

Priests and Evangelists and Hasidic Jews and Imams and Monks and Mormons -- all singing and chanting - and there's lightening and thunder and:

At last - in comes "OBAMA" -- woosh -- lot's of smoke - African drums pound throughout the great coliseum and thousands of African Warriors leap and scream (think of all those coordinated robotic chinks at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics)

He's dressed like Abraham!

And -- he then performs a MIRACLE - he makes it rain!

And - as the fake downpour drenches the entire throng (who are now all kneeling in mandated Prayer) - He points his staff (like Charlton Heston as Moses) at a giant replica of The Ten Commandments - lit up on a mountain in the near distance = and begins his address - with:

"How's THAT for change?"

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Sherwin Williams Paint Company To Market "McCaine White"

Dr.Moishe Pipick - head of world wide marketing for the Sherwin Williams paint company announced today:

"In honor of the whitest man ever to run for President - we have produced a new addition to the popular Sherman Williams "White Category" -- wer'e calling it "McCaine White"

He continued: " If eggshell white is just too white for you - or off white or ivory white - or pearl or even our current whitest white ,which is our famous "Cottontail White" - THEN:"

"McCaine White" - the whitest possible adaptation of the white pigmentation molecule - is the one for you."

"And - like McCaine - it goes with anything!"

Our digibandit manufacturing reporter - Elise Mandelbaum asked Dr. Pipick; -- "How would you describe "McCaine White" in layman's terms to our readers?"

He responded; -- " Think of Casper the friendly ghost!"

Maybe they should think about coming out with "Obama Black?" - a kinda mix of "McCaine White" -- and not quite Black.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Obama Is NOT Black

Personally i don't care if he is purple or orange or even pink.

But - he sure as shit isn't BLACK!

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are BLACK! - So are about ten million other Americans who share a history - heritage and culture that is wrapped in the BLACK American experience.

So -- what is all the fuss and crapola about Obama being the FIRST black American presidential candidate? - And all the residual racial furor and fury about him BEING A BLACK MAN?

I mean - McCaine's father was from Ireland> Does that make him a Celtic candidate?

I mean - how much in common do you think Obama has with his Kenyan father? (he can probably out run anyone in Congress/)

He is more white than most white people - so let's cut the bullshit and treat him - at least - as any other extremely qualified WHITE candidate:

Until - we get a real BLACK presidential candidate.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Fox Announcs "Candid Celebrity Confessions" with Father Konfessor

Fox certainly has a lot of balls -- In addition to being cutting edge creative!

Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience. -- What a programming breakthrough!

"Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Moishe Pipick,President of Fox TV Entertainment.

Elise Mandelbaum - the digibandit Hollywood reporter - asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense? - Give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Pipick; -- "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear. -- And here's the penance!"

"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary, youv'e been real naughty - so God demands five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter; "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -And -- won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Fox's Pipick --"It will be bigger than Idol!

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off!

Monday, August 18, 2008

Obama Must Prove He Is Lustful

95 percent of ALL world leaders have screwed around on their wives!

In America that includes Washington - Adams and jefferson and ALL the founding fathers - both Roosevelts - ALL presidents except Calvin Cooledge (who weighed four-hundred pounds and Ronald Regan; who knew Nancy would cut his pecker off.

And - EVERY Congressman and Senator who has ever done anything original or important or of any substance - has screwed around on his wife.

And - that fact of life applies to EVERY local and national politician of ANY merit - from dog catcher to Governor - from Pine Mountain ,California to New York City,N.Y.

Soooooo - If Obama has been uxorious -- singularly faithful to that wife of his? - How in the hell is he going to relate to ANY of his domestic or foreign colleagues?

NO ONE - will totally trust or relate to him -- on ANY level!

And so - when in the middle of an important White House meeting on National Security - or say a World Conference on Nuclear proliferation:

A hot asistant walks in with a tray of coffe - and she has an ass like Jennifer Lopez - and all the guys smile and wink around the room - and Nicholas Sarkozy leans over and whispers to Vladimir Putin "Oh boy would i like to ......" and Obama just yawns and stares up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes in disdain.......

Well - that's not exactly a good thing for the folks back home - we really don't need Obama to be the turd in the world's political punchbowl.

Nope - we better find out - real quick -- if he's a card carrying member of the John Edwards and Friends Adulterers Club - and a red blooded normal male politician who can swap "fucking around" stories with the other powerful boys around the table -- who control our destiny.

Fess up Barack! - Who you been fucking? = Wer'e gonna find out anyway - hopefully that is.

McCaine is WAY ahead of you on this one!

BBTV Announces "What is a Motha Fuckah?" -- As Lead Series

Hip-hop artist Percy Miller, aka Master P, is involved in the start-up of a new family-friendly cable network called Better Black Television (BBTV) which will launch next year.

The network will be a general entertainment channel and based on a statement from the company, the network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture."

He further stated "What is a Motha Fuckah?" - will dig deep down into the African culture to examine the origins of that widely used phrase among blacks.

"I mean - how did "Motherfuckah" - which describes a fairly dysfunctional act - become the black equivalent of "Shalom" in the Hebrew language?"

"Or -"Hey! -how are you?" - for most other folks."

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Yang Peiyi Has A Nice Face For Radio

“Miaoke, a third grader, was judged cute and appealing but “not suitable” as a singer. Another girl, Yang Peiyi, 7, was judged the best singer but not as cute.”

And so it goes in China!

After the Olympics the walls hiding all the decrepit buildings will come down -- all the cars and factories will start turning Beijing into it’s original state, as the largest urban shithole on Earth - dog meat will return to restaurant menus – and all the dissidents will resume being dissed again.

And – Miaoke can look forward to a future as a “cute and appealing “ dummy - to some Chinese party boss ventriloquist.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

Why Did God Give John Edwards A Penis?

Or any man for that matter? - And here's the obvious answer:

God has a Cock!

Yep - knowing full well that any descent normal attractive (or rich) male could and would - fuck almost any female that walks - until, finally, his last drop of testosterone dribbled out ;

He still proceeded to create men with dicks!

I mean - he could have created - say - a double eye wink as the catalyst for procreation - or a whistle - or a face lick. And wham! - She's pregnant! - And on goes the human race. -- But noooo:

He had to create this whole sex/lust/power/ ego/ dominance - lovey dovey feel good orgasmic stuff to move humanity down the road?

The only reason God did that - and created all this confusion about sin and sex is because -- God was born with a penis!

So - don't blame John Edwards - blame God!

Friday, August 08, 2008

CIA Torture Expert Recounts "Nagging" Effectiveness

Agent Lance Himmler - an experienced CIA torturer - has divulged his initial experience with a revolutionary new torture technique - "American Wife Nagging".


He reported on the method yesterday - at a briefing of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - which the President and Secretrary of Defense Gates attended.


"Sustained nagging by an American wife - preferably a miserable Jewish housewife (hey and no anti-semitism intended - some of my best friends in the CIA have been driven nuts by nagging waspy wives) - is the most effective torture application that i have witnessed in my thirty years of trying to crack the toughest terrorist nuts around the world!"



He recounted; "Well -- we had this Al Quaeda leader who was sitting on some highly sensitive intel - and he would not give an inch! - We waterboarded him - we crushed his toes with a hammer - we put a pigs snout up his butt ( you know they hate pork) - we lit up his nuts with electrical charges - we put sulphuric acid on his left eyeball -- and then we got rough with this guy -- and NOTHING - he spit at us!"



Officer Himmler continued; "Well -i'm here to tell you - we brought in Elise Mandelbaum - closed the door - and within fifteen minutes this guy was screaming for his Momma!

And - when Mrs. Mandelbaum gave him another dose of "you no good lazy worthless bum - get a job - your'e poor wife should have married a Jewish Doctor - you failure - you fat weak spineless lazy loser ..... on and on......."

"Well - this guy begged for a map and a pointer and said he would give us everything we wanted - if only she would shut up!"



"I mean - she saved us hundreds - maybe thousands of lives! You gotta understand - it's hard enough for an American to deal with this kind of nagging - but - these Muslims have never heard a woman say anything but "Yes Mohammad - anything you want - please kick me or rape me again"


"I mean - here's a guy who has been killing and maiming since he was ten years old - his eyeball is hanging out of the socket and his nuts are sizzling from the electric shocks - and all his teeth have been kicked in and his toes are all mashed up - and he tells us to get fucked!"

"But - twenty minutes with Elise Mandelbaum from Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn N.Y - and he's crying like a baby and giving up his family and friends just to make her shut the fuck up."


"Oh - and get this - i say to Elise - "You have performed a major contribution to your country in the war on terror - you have cracked open one of our toughest Al Quaeda terrorists."



"And she says to me - "Let me tell you Mr. - these Muslims are a bunch of weak babies and i don't understand how you let them get away with all this terror business?"


She concluded, said Himmler; " My Abe Mandelbaum is a weak piece of shit - and he has withstood my nagging for the last twenty years. - And just thank God you don't have terrorists like him running around!"


At this point - the President replied : "Thanks officer Himmler - i want you to recruit a special unit of the most viscious nagging American wives you can find - and you can start with my mother in law -- heh heh heh!"

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Tow Lanes Would Eliminate Gas Crisis

With the designation of "Towing Lanes" on America's highways -- SUV's and non commercial trucks would be required to tow a minimum of four cars behind them.

The towed cars would pay a pro-rated shared gas fee based on miles towed to the towing vehicles . - Fuel economy would soar - and carbon emissions would drop out of sight!

And - owners of mid and full size cars would have the option of participating -- pulling cars according to their tow capacity.

A minimum requirement to enter the tow lane would be one vehicle for a mid size car - and two for a car over 2,500 lbs. (but under 4,00 lbs.) - when the minimum of five cars would kick in.

Digibandit automative reporter Elise Mandelbaum presented the idea to Governor Arnold Schwartzenneger of Gollyvornia - who was attending a press conference in lush Pine Mountain village (where he was attending the presentation of a bronze statue from the World Lush Association to the local market which sold more liquor than any store on Earth (per capita) in 2oo7.

The Governor stated;"Did iss an ideeya dat is vorth loooking at! - Wiz my giant Mercury SUV i could probably pull zix or zeven kaars down the 5 freeway back to Los Angeleeees?"

"I am gonna try it dis afternoon right after the presentation - oh look at the statue! -It's a drunken peasant lying on the ground in what kut be my little village in Austria - everyone should come and Zee it in front of the Pine Mountain General Store:

In Pine Mountain Golllyvornia."

'But be careful driving through the willage - these folks are world champion lushes!"