xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 11/01/2008 - 12/01/2008

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Walmart Shoppers Stampede - Like Moslems in Mecca

Some shoppers who had seen the stampede said they were shocked. One of them, Kimberly Cribbs of Queens, said the crowd had acted like “savages.” Shoppers behaved badly even as the store was being cleared, she recalled.
“When they were saying they had to leave, that an employee got killed, people were yelling, ‘I’ve been on line since yesterday morning,’ ” Ms. Cribbs told The Associated Press. “They kept shopping.”

Well - every year we read about Moslem worshippers stampeding each other to death as they go nuts to get into their Tooth Fairy Palace in Mecca - and finally we have our western version of that phenomena - as a man was crushed to death - today - by Walmart bargain shoppers.

"Oh - and this is only the beginning!" said Moishe Pipick, head of security for Walmart's world wide security organization.

He stated; "I just saw the videos of the rampage which took place at our Long Island store - and the only thing i could think of was those old scenes in the Cowboy movies where a wrangler gets ground up by a thundering herd of crazed stampeding steers."

"I am recommending that we install machine gun positions at all stores where we have Black Friday kind of discount events!"

He continued; "When you see folks who have been standing in line starting at three am for five or six hours - waiting to get their hands on a fifty -two inch Sony flat screen for four hundred bucks - and then the doors don't open on time - or something spooks the "herd" - trust me - nothing will stop them them but an armor piercing fifty caliber bullet."

" I mean- youv'e seen the pictures of those nut case Moslems on pilgrimage in Mecca? - well - this is much more intense - because to a credit strapped American consumer - a bargain is way more important than any religious crapola!"

"I mean - you could guarantee these folks that Jesus Christ would be at the local Walmart super store healing the lame and the sick and offering salvation - and they would tear apart a store offering huge discounts just down the street from him ."

Mr. Pipick concluded; "As the economy goes further and farther into the toilet - the situation is going to get really nasty - we feel that folks will soon be storming our wharehouses - and my security forces might have to use biological weapons against them."

Wow - what a great Reality Show - i'll have to call Fox!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Yo Barack! -- Watch "Iron Man" and Remember The Indians!

And don't forget the "Existential Thanksgiving Lesson:"

"When a group of folks shows up on YOUR territory carrying Bibles - and their guns are bigger and better than yours? - You are soooooo fucked!"

So - You and all the Obama's have a wonderful thanksgiving. - And then - so that we can ALL enjot future Thanksgivings here in America - please go up into your den - all alone - and watch .""Iron Man"

And then - get everybody together and tell them - "I want one of those!"

"As a matter of fact - i want the coolest and most destructive shit you all can come up with - i'm talking about techno killing shit that - that makes "Iron Man" look like a knife in a gun fight!"

"But why Obama?" - might says someone? "We got a dead economy out there to deal with!"

And you reply - Mr. Presidente - "Just think about Thanksgiving - And -- The Fucking Indians."

Happy Thangsgiving - 11- 27 -08

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Fox TV Announces -- "'Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Fox TV president Sammy Schlocker announced today:"With the economy collapsing - we thought it would be fun to build a reality show around the Great Depression's most famous refrain "Brother Can You Spare A Dime" - which will have top executives from the financial sector - who have lost everything - compete against one another in a reality show where they use all their skills:

In peddling apples on street corners in the new York City financial district.Just like so many ex moguls resorted to after Wall Street collapsed in 1929.( at the beginning of the Great Depression) ---- these ex wealthy financial titans - will now apply all their skills to selling their apples to the folks they fucked!"

"Former Lehman brother executives - Merril Lynch managers - top dogs from Fannie and Freddie - and powerful Hedge Fund managers and brokers et. al. - will be given a fresh supply of apples each morning and we will tally up their sales every day.""It's a zero sum game!" said Moishe Pipick, ex CEO for "Pipick and Gevalt LLC" - one of wall Street's most powerful investment banks.

"Before the collapse, said Pipick - It was the code i lived by! - That was before i lost everything! -- My Gulf Stream jet - my home in Greenwich Connecticut - my yacht - my Rolls and my golden Retriever Freddie (which really hurt!)"

"Freddie went with my bitch of a wife Marr. (losing her makes the whole ordeal almost bearable)"

Moishe continued; "I would just like to thank Fox for giving us a shot at making a comeback - and i know i will move a lot of apples!"

Fox VP Programming and Executive producer for the program -- Mannie Mandelbaum stated: "Boy we really have to watch these folks - they are already being very creative and ruthless in their apple sales and marketing strategies - we have even caught them poisoning their competitors apples""

Well there's always a few rotton appels in every barrel!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Dick Cavett On Sarah Palin - Thank You

The Wild Wordsmith of Wasilla
Electronic devices dislike me. There is never a day when something isn’t ailing. Three out of these five implements — answering machine, fax machine, printer, phone and electric can-opener — all dropped dead on me in the past few days.
Now something has gone wrong with all three television sets. They will get only Sarah Palin.
I can play a kind of Alaskan roulette. Any random channel clicked on by the remote brings up that eager face, with its continuing assaults on the English Lang.
There she is with Larry and Matt and just about everyone else but Dr. Phil (so far). If she is not yet on “Judge Judy,” I suspect it can’t be for lack of trying.
What have we done to deserve this, this media blitz that the astute Andrea Mitchell has labeled “The Victory Tour”?
I suppose it will be recorded as among political history’s ironies that Palin was brought in to help John McCain. I can’t blame feminists who might draw amusement from the fact that a woman managed to both cripple the male she was supposed to help while gleaning an almost Elvis-sized following for herself. Mac loses, Sarah wins big-time was the gist of headlines.
I feel a little sorry for John. He aimed low and missed.
What will ambitious politicos learn from this? That frayed syntax, bungled grammar and run-on sentences that ramble on long after thought has given out completely are a candidate’s valuable traits?
And how much more of all that lies in our future if God points her to those open-a-crack doors she refers to? The ones she resolves to splinter and bulldoze her way through upon glimpsing the opportunities, revealed from on high.
What on earth are our underpaid teachers, laboring in the vineyards of education, supposed to tell students about the following sentence, committed by the serial syntax-killer from Wasilla High and gleaned by my colleague Maureen Dowd for preservation for those who ask, “How was it she talked?”
My concern has been the atrocities there in Darfur and the relevance to me with that issue as we spoke about Africa and some of the countries there that were kind of the people succumbing to the dictators and the corruption of some collapsed governments on the continent, the relevance was Alaska’s investment in Darfur with some of our permanent fund dollars.
And, she concluded, “never, ever did I talk about, well, gee, is it a country or a continent, I just don’t know about this issue.”
It’s admittedly a rare gift to produce a paragraph in which whole clumps of words could be removed without noticeably affecting the sense, if any.
(A cynic might wonder if Wasilla High School’s English and geography departments are draped in black.)
(How many contradictory and lying answers about The Empress’s New Clothes have you collected? I’ve got, so far, only four. Your additional ones welcome.)
Matt Lauer asked her about her daughter’s pregnancy and what went into the decision about how to handle it. Her “answer” did not contain the words “daughter,” “pregnancy,” “what to do about it” or, in fact, any two consecutive words related to Lauer’s query.
I saw this as a brief clip, so I don’t know whether Lauer recovered sufficiently to follow up, or could only sit there, covered in disbelief. If it happens again, Matt, I bequeath you what I heard myself say once to an elusive guest who stiffed me that way: “Were you able to hear any part of my question?”
At the risk of offending, well, you, for example, I worry about just what it is her hollering fans see in her that makes her the ideal choice to deal with the world’s problems: collapsed economies, global warming, hostile enemies and our current and far-flung twin battlefronts, either of which may prove to be the world’s second “30 Years’ War.”
Has there been a poll to see if the Sarah-ites are numbered among that baffling 26 percent of our population who, despite everything, still maintain that President George has done a heckuva job?
A woman in one of Palin’s crowds praised her for being “a mom like me … who thinks the way I do” and added, for ill measure, “That’s what I want in the White House.” Fine, but in what capacity?
Do this lady’s like-minded folk wonder how, say, Jefferson, Lincoln, the Roosevelts, et al (add your own favorites) managed so well without being soccer moms? Without being whizzes in the kitchen, whipping up moose soufflés? Without executing and wounding wolves from the air and without promoting that sad, threadbare hoax — sexual abstinence — as the answer to the sizzling loins of the young?
(In passing, has anyone observed that hunting animals with high-powered guns could only be defined as sport if both sides were equally armed?)
I’d love to hear what you think has caused such an alarming number of our fellow Americans to fall into the Sarah Swoon.
Could the willingness to crown one who seems to have no first language have anything to do with the oft-lamented fact that we seem to be alone among nations in having made the word “intellectual” an insult? (And yet…and yet…we did elect Obama. Surely not despite his brains.)
Sorry about all of the foregoing, as if you didn’t get enough of the lady every day in every medium but smoke signals.
I do not wish her ill. But I also don’t wish us ill. I hope she continues to find happiness in Alaska.
May I confess that upon first seeing her, I liked her looks? With the sound off, she presents a not uncomely frontal appearance.
But now, as the Brits say, “I’ll be glad to see the back of her.”

Monday, November 17, 2008

Obama Job Screening Process Leaves Out Three Important Questions

Just when Democrats thought it was time to triumphantly claim hard-won administration appointments, Team Obama has created a vetting process worthy of aspirants for political sainthood - But there ARE Three Questions that must be answered!

One - Do you enjoy killing animals in the name of sport? - An affirmative answer should eliminate all Hunters from the administration and would eliminate sixty percent of the angry assholes who normally creep into the system.


Two - When did you last have oral sex? -if the answer is less than three nights ago - drop the candidate like a hot potatoe! - This will eliminate seventy percent of the repressed and hostile religious freaks who permeate the bureacracy!

Three - Do you think you will meet a God when you die who looks like George Burns in "Oh My God" - and who has had something to do with your life? - If the answer is yes -then you have a delusional person on your hands who should be referred to the Vatican.

One - Two -Three And There Out!

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Obama Approval Ratings Plunge In First Week

President Elect Obama has slipped from a ninety five percent approval rating among his supporters - to eight five percent:

And among non supporters it has gone from twelve percent to two percent.

Dr. Moishe Pipick - head of the Phew Research Center said: "It is extremely alarming that after only one week as President Elect - his approval ratings have plummeted!"

Elise Mandelbaum, digibandit research head , asked Dr. Pipick; "What is causing this srong and almost instantaneous negative reaction to Obama among the American people?"

Pipick responded:

"One - he has not solved the economic meltdown"

'Two - he has not brought home the troops"

"Three - he has not resolved health insurance"

Pipick concluded; - "But - the most important thing that is bugging most American's - is - that he has taken no action towards having Sarah Palin and her entire family murdered."

"Or exiled"

Friday, November 14, 2008

Sex - Drugs - And God Tax - Can Save The World

Legalize Drugs and prostitution and Tax the Catholic Church - To Save the World Economy

Dr.Moishe Pipick, head economist for the World Financial Institute - in Berne Switzerland - announced today at the G Twenty Conference in the United States:

"First - There are over a billion people with significant savings who would gladly start spending for legal drugs - and the tax revenue and economic stimulus from that consumer spending - would almost single -handily resolve the economic meltdown.

Second - Allowing these individuals to further spend their savings on legal (taxable) prostitutes - would add an additional jolt to the marketplace.

And - with over one billion people walking around high and sexually satisfied - optimism will blossom once again - and capital investment will be invigorated.

Third - Tax the Church! - This will generate trillions in new tax revenue from a sector of the world economy which produces nothing "

Dr. Pipick concluded; "Sex - Drugs - and a God tax! - it's really that simple!"

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Let The Queers Marry -That Will End Same Sex Marriage Overnight

Want to put an abrupt halt to same sex marriage? - Let them get married!

I mean - gays are pretty darn smart - and as soon as they find out how fucking miserable married life is - they will abandon that failed institution like rats leaving a sinking ship.

I mean - one night Oliver is saying to Gary ; "Oh Gar - i think i'll go over to the Club Tuchas and snort some Ecstasy and get fucked by maybe three or four sailors - wanna come (oops a pun)?"

"No Hon" - says Gar - "I think i'll just go cruise around West Hollywood and get shtupped over in the park."

"Okay Hon - don't be too late we an appointment at the hairdresser manana"

"Chow baby - have fun - hey would you pick up some cocaine while your'e at the club?"

So now three weeks after - say -tieing the knot in Connecticut - and the conversation now goes like this:

"Gar - you fucking whore - i hope you had a real good time last night - i waited up for you until three am - i even bought that special queen bee jelly you like and a new triple headed dildo - and you come home loaded and fall asleep - you never did shit like that wbefore we were married!"

Oliver replies: "Stop nagging me you bitch - maybe if you hadn't gained twenty pounds since our fucking wedding - i would stay home more often?"

Oh well you get my drift - oh and the lesbos ? - The emergency rooms will be overflowing with so much debris from dyke violence - that Sadir City will look like a Buddhist retreat center.

Oh yeah - let them wed - welcome to hell all you queers!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Please God - Kill That Ignorant Alaskan Redneck

"I'm like, OK, God, if there is an open door for me somewhere, this is what I always pray, I'm like, don't let me miss the open door," Palin said in an interview with Fox News on Monday. "And if there is an open door in '12 or four years later, and if it is something that is going to be good for my family, for my state, for my nation, an opportunity for me, then I'll plow through that door."

How about an open trap door witha noose around her redneck?

Monday, November 10, 2008

Millions of Americans Apply For Exit Visas

With the economy collapsing - and trillions of dollars being borrowed to save the folks who caused the collapse - and home buyers who had no right to buy them -and car and insurance companies that spent the last twenty years fucking them:

Millions of Americans are contemplating their futures in other countries - where they can live a decent life - and not burden their children and grandhildren with mountains of debt at birth.

"I don't want my grandchildren to come into the world as major debtors!" -said Moishe Pipick who was speaking from Beth Israel hospital in new York -where his new grandson Irving just squealed his way into the world - owing Uncle Sam over two- hundred thousand dollars dollars.

"Wer'e outa here! - This is bullshit! - He's gotta pay for AIG and General Motors and Iraq and all those derivative and hedge fund momzers! - He's gotta pay for all those schmucks that can't read a mortgage or live within a budget?"

"Fuck America!" he said - Wer'e off to Israel or Australia or China or India -at least we'll have health coverage!"

'"But -What about Obama?" -said Bandit financial reporter. Elise Mandelbaum."

Moishe replied; "He's a nice smart guy - he isn't the Messiah!."

Friday, November 07, 2008

American Express announces "Shop Only"Credit Card Program

Feeling like you need a shopping fix? _But your'e broke and out of credit?


Want to get that "shopper's high" without actually spending a dime? -Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ? --Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?



Well with the American Express "Shop Only - Till You Drop" card - you just pay a small fee - ten dollars - for ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits.



Pay a paltry fifty bucks and you can get up to two -hundred thousand dollars in "shop only"credits - and the "Shop only " Dream Card - about three hundred dollars - will allow you to buy high ticket luxury items. (take the whole family and buy a Ferrari)



So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.



And - for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and even wrap and put them under the tree if you like. (and then you get another "fix" for free when you open them.)



And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Nelson's "Shopped" us for our housewarming (your friend unwraps and reads the gift description ) - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".



And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!

Thursday, November 06, 2008

Sarah Palin Destroys the Hopes and Dreams of Future Ignorant Cunts to Lead America

It should be a very long time before an ignorant cunt like Sarah Palin gets a shot at leading the free world!

And - if it ever happens again? - It will be a clear portent that our civilization has finally run its course.

I honestly believe that historians will look back on her selection by McCaine as the lowest point in American politics and culture.

I only hope to God that it is finally revealed that he was fucking her!

In that event - we have a totally understandable situation where an old feeble war hero was overwhelmed by a virulent libido in it's last dying gasp - in the throes of one great final hard on.

This is forgiveable - maybe admirable?

Anything else is unpardonable! - he should be crucified and left to hang on public display outside the Senate.

And school children should come in busloads to observe his stinking - rotting -corpse!

Good Riddance Casper - and -The Bride of Frankenstein

"Of course, McCain’s gracious concession speech is only notable because it contrasts so sharply with the sad and shabby campaign that he chose to run. Five classy minutes should not expiate several months’ worth of name calling, insinuations, and intellectual dishonesty. Honor cannot be worn like a jacket, to be slipped on and off as the situation dictates. John McCain irrevocably ceded his moral high ground during the course of his campaign, and the press should realize that one good speech doesn’t change that. Joe Klein has it right: Talk about putting lipstick on a pig."

This from a Columbia Journalism Review article - says it all - for the bandit.

He should kill himself - like a noble Samurai (which he ain't)

Monday, November 03, 2008

Obama's Grandmother Seen Campaigning in Ohio AND Florida - After Dying

"She's gone home," Obama said as tens of thousands of rowdy supporters at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte grew silent in an evening drizzle.



But he was wrong!



One hour after dying peacefully in her bed in Hawaai - Madelyn Payne Dunham was seen campaigning for her grandson in both Ohio and Florida - two key swing states which would lock the election up for Obama.



In reaction to this startling resurrection sarah Palin ran into a church in Canton, Ohio where she had just delivered a speech calling Obama a Muslim terrorist - dropped down before Jesus Christ - and began weeping hysterically:



"Forgive me father for i have sinned - and in the few hours left in this campaign - i am throwing my full support behind your new son and Savior - Lord Obama -- Amen!"



Reached in Florida at a nursing home where he had just called Obama a Communist and a fake negroe who would lead the country into chaos and depravity John (Casper) McCaine said:



"This is total bullshit - but if i'm wrong -i'm definitely fucked!"



And hearing of the resurrection of his beloved Grandmom - Obama said:



" She promised me she would rise back up and help me win the election - and i never doubted her for a moment!"

Joe the Plumber - Meet Hazel the Hooker

SAN FRANCISCO — When Proposition K was added to Tuesday’s ballot, many people likely snickered at the possibility that San Francisco might take its place alongside such prostitute-friendly havens as Amsterdam and a few rural counties in nearby Nevada.

BUT - it's looking like HAZEL the Hooker will be able to do business as UNUSUAL post election day in San Francisco! - And boy will Joe the Plumber be ecstatic!

Because while Joe has been able to fuck his clients with total impunity - poor Hazel has been forced to pay off Cops and Evangelists and Lawmakers just to suck a few lonely cocks every night.

This is fantastick news for those of us who would rather pay a reasonable fee to a real professional for sex - then beg his frigid trophy wife for a hand job - in return for half of all our assets -and the kids.

Oh - and how about all those poor fucking Rednecks and just plain poor fat and ugly people - and greedy moronic plumbers like Joe - who maybe get laid twice a year? - With legalized prostitution and the elimination of Pimps and Payoffs and Shysters:

These poor frustrated folks will be able to afford Hazel on a regular basis!

Oh - and you can bet that the killing of wild animals and violent crime will drop substantially !

Dr.Moishe Pipick - head of The Cultural Neuroscience Institute, in Berne Switzerland - said today:

"All our studies have shown that people who enjoy killing animals (called hunting in America) -and most violent criminals - would readily turn in their guns for a descent weekly blowjob."

And - anyway - wouldn't you much rather get fucked by Hazel the Hooker - than Joe the Plumber?

Vote proposition K on election day in San Francisco!

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Britney Spears or Lil Kim better Than Palin - Says Mitt Romney

Mitt was overheard discussing the McCaine campaign - in a restaurant in downtown Salt lake City Utah – yesterday:

“I mean – he fucking blew it! –Picking that moron Palin was like if GW had picked Britney Spears for defense secretary instead of Robert Gates”

“As a matter of fact Spears (or maybe LIL Kim, that hot black rapper)) would have been a wiser –and much more qualified choice – at least he would have gotten the youth vote.”

His unidentified friend replied; “But Mitt – I think he felt he needed to solidify his base – you know – the rednecks and the religious freaks.”

Mitt replied; “Oh fucking great move!” – “Why didn’t he just hold a press conference and announce that he didn’t want anyone with an IQ of over 95 to vote for him!”

“I mean – how fucking stupid does Casper (McCaine’s nickname) think the electorate is – anyway?”
“Pretty fucking stupid Mitt!”