xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 05/01/2013 - 06/01/2013

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

"Divine Intervention" -Rabbis Turn Churches Into Synagogues on The Learning Channel

 We love TLC
The Channel for LEARNING BULLSHIT has added  another non learning experience to it's lineup of shows designed to educate morons with shit only they will comprehend.

 TLC has ordered six one-hour episodes of Divine Intervention from Jewboys Group Productions. The series follows three Hasidick Rebbes (Meyer -Moyer and Mayer)  who scour America in search of churches and faith-based organizations that can be bought off and out and replaced with Hebrew organizations and Synagogues.
 I recommend this program

"It's one of those rare, feel good shows with cross-generational appeal," said Moishe  Pipick, President of Jewboys. 

"With humor and heart, the series takes the makeover genre into an  entirely new space."

Rebecca Twat VP of TLC announced: "These Jews are commited to eliminating as many Christian Churches as possible and we just felt that given the Church's two thousand year history of using it's spiritual power to persecute the Jews  this would make for dynamic programming."
 TLC Exec Twat says "Jews are cute!"
Jewboys Productions President Moishe Pipick announced today from Kat'z Deli on Houston Street In NYC:

"We want to thank the morons at The learning Channel for giving us an opportunity to fuck with The Goyim Trash on National Television "

He concluded; "As we say at Jewboys -one less Church is like eliminating a bedbug in your mind!" 
 come in -say a prayer -have a nice cornbeef sandwich instead of a fucking wafer

Monday, May 27, 2013

Remains Of Pine Mountain Club Revealed At Last


“After crossing through Frazier Park, the San Andreas fault begins to bend northwards. This area is referred to as the “Big Bend” and is thought to be where the fault locks up in Southern California as the North American and Pacific plates try to move past each other.”

Nearbye Mount Pinos towers over the hamlet of the newly escavated “Pine Mountain Club" and Apache Saddle on it’s ridge - is the highest point on the San Andreas fault. -- 

Global Web News Bulletin - May 2067

“ The intact remains of the “Pine Mountain Club” which disapeared beneath a tsunami of ash and lava in the San Andreas fault rupture on Christmas eve of 2013; and which was discovered in 2057, have been opened for public exhibition on this memorial day weekend after ten years of escavation by the World Geology Association”

Dr.Jonathon Vulcan, chairman of the WGA quoted a description of “Pompei” which geologists have long equated with the burying and subsequent discovery of the buried Pine Mountain Club:

“Pompeii is a ruined and partially buried Roman city near modern Naples in the Italian region of Campania, in the territory of the comune of Pompei.
It, along with Herculaneum (its sister city), was destroyed, and completely buried, during a catastrophic eruption of the volcano Mount Vesuvius spanning two days on 24 August 79 AD.[1]
The volcano collapsed higher roof-lines and buried Pompeii under many meters of ash and pumice, and it was lost for nearly 1700 years before its accidental rediscovery in 1748. Since then, its excavation has provided an extraordinarily detailed insight into the life of a city at the height of the Roman Empire. Today, it is one of the most popular tourist attractions of Italy and a UNESCO

He continued; “And the entombed remnants of Pine Mountain culture have provided us with equivalent insights into the life of a rural mountain community in the early twenty first century – the quake occuring just prior to the disastrous terrorist nuclear attack on Long Beach California in 2014 which destroyed so many historical documents in the state of California.”.

Dr. Vulcan introduced Marta Schwartzenneger; who traces her lineage back to her heroic ancestor Arnold. An ex movie star and Governor of the State who was tragically killed in the  attack.
Marta addressed a group of world leaders, the media and local residents -- at the official opening of the “Pine Mountain Earthquake Monument and Museum.” :

 Victoria Hedlund the niece of Patric Hedlund who was killed while covering the Earthquake and is a local hero known for her staunch enterprise reporting on Mountain Community issues  was on hand covering the event for The Mountain Enterprise.

 She stated; “Five full escavation diuramas will be available for public viewing this weekend and they hope to have many new sections of the village available for viewer tours by next Memorial day -and i know Auntie Patric is up there on Mt. Pinos looking down with pride on us today as we move forward courageously with our lives - proud and ready for whatever comes next."

She went on; “In the first diurama visitors will be able to see an elderly couple who were buried instantly in their golf cart on the recently renovated Pine Mountain Golf Club (an ancient gas powered vehicle used to transport “Golfers” - who played a game in which they competed to strike small white orbs with “golf clubs”, around a park - getting them to roll into strategically placed holes in the ground with a minimum of clubbing attempts.”

“Golf- along with all outdoors recreation came to an abrupt end in 2037  when the price of oil soared to five hundred Yuan per barrel.

Hedlund continued; “The second diurama shows a young woman who was buried with a now extinct  four legged furry creature called a Dog while performing the ancient activity called “Jogging” ( decades before the science of molecular atomic mitochondrial muscle stimulation eliminated the necessity for physical activity).

“The third exhibit shows an intimate, frozen in time portrait of an adult heterosexual couple in the throes of physical copulation!” She elaborated; “ This old intimate form of pleasure and reproduction was culturally ubiquitous prior to the perfection of virtual stimulators which now provide far advanced pleasure center orgasmic experiences - and which coupled with modern embryonic farming technology - has long eliminated the tedious need for physical coupling.

‘The detailed exhibit in diurama number four” said Victoria Hedlund; “ Shows a group of men and women who were buried in an instant while they were engaged in the ubiquitous historical custom of imbibing alcoholic liquids in a “bar” (which was the common general designation of these meeting places) in order to deaden their minds and open up relaxed neural pathways -which was conducive to aberrant but mostly satisfying discourse and behavior. Preliminary analysis of their facial expressions by modern neurologists and cognition experts appears to indicate that they may have experienced a pleasure response from their “Alcohol” - significantly greater than today’s dopaserotonator capsules.”

“The fifth and final exhibit is a vivid snapshot in time of the “Pine Mountain Fuel Station’ where local residents would acquire carbon based energy before the advent of hydrogen fusion technology - and prior to the devastating energy wars of 2015 which resulted in the total destruction of  Iraq, Syria, and Saudi Arabia.

 Pine Mtn Club Fuel Station  -Their hated owners were hung by disgruntled locals

She concluded; “It is interesting to note that the price of “gasoline” at the recently remodeled “Pine Mountain Fuel Station” at the time of it’s inundation, after the cracking of the San Andreas fault, had reached fifteen dollars a gallon (up from five dollars in 2013) and may account for the dismembered body parts found strewn around the fueling site – as residents may have slaughtered each other – their rage “fueled” ( oops a pun, said Victoria jokingly) by an inability to power their vehicles – and fulfill the ravenous - twenty first century addiction to shopping.”

“Enjoy the Exhibition”

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Message to Scouts From Christians - God says You're a Mutant! -Go to Hell Faggots!

 twisted fucking ignorant repressed christians as usual
There is reason to celebrate the first turn toward inclusion, but the message to young people will still be: if you’re gay, keep quiet because there is something wrong with you.  

And gay boys and teenagers who love scouting and are courageous enough to be open about their sexual identity know that when they turn 18 and want to serve as a pack or troop leader, they will be forced out of the organization.
The quandary for parents who want their sons to be part of a beloved American tradition, but don’t want to support discrimination, has not been resolved.
The right move would have been for the Scouts to reject discrimination based on sexual orientation — the direction that most Americans are moving. The Girl Scouts don’t have this problem, having long accepted inclusion and nondiscrimination as core principles.

The Boy Scouts organization — by tolerating a loathsome belief, pressed by religious activists, that equates homosexuality with deviance — has committed itself to rejecting good, dedicated leaders. It should understand that scouting’s mission does not have to dovetail with right-wing agendas and bigotry. The scout movement was built a century ago simply upon interests “universal among boys” — outdoor skills and adventure — and on values of citizenship and decency. It’s a shame the Boy Scouts have allowed bigotry to tarnish this tradition.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Fewer Abortions In Red States Leads to More Ignorant Populations - Need For Population Control There!

Unfortunately the Rednecks and Evangelicals and their sub standard political representatives along with their mostly demented clergy are not being held in check by the laws of evolution  which are designed by nature to eliminate the less fit.

In the blue liberal states there is enlightened encouragement for those folks who are not ready to assume the responsibilities of effective parenting and so there are less children entering the population who might wind up becoming ignorant angry -incompetent and intolerent bible belting assholes like you have in great abundance in places like Arkansas and Texas and Tennessee and South Carolina and Alabama and Dakota and in Oklahoma the epicenter of USA morons
 the rednecks and evangelicals should definitely not breed

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Angelina Jolie Sells Tits For One Million - Money Goes For Charity

Several Hollywood collectors have been bidding for the rights to Angelina's breasts which she is selling and then donating the money to charity.
One collector offered $600,000 for her right breast but Angelina wants to sell them as a set so it looks like both will be sold to a famous Hollywood Director for one million.

The Fox Television network wanted to create a Game Show -  "Win Angelina's Tits" -to which Brad responded "Fox is the scum of the Earth - we don't need their money so fuck you Ruppert!"

Monday, May 13, 2013

Celebrity Mom's Who Enjoyed Anal Sex on Mother's Day


What a GREAT Day!

And Thanks to ALL our friends who also got cornholed yesterday -and LOVED it!

Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM
at 2:43 PM

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Mother's Day Is a Commercial Crapfest - Anna Jarvis is turning in her Grave!

AP Images
Few holidays succeed in disappointing mothers and striking terror into the hearts of fathers on an annual basis more than Mother's Day. The holiday—which once served as a simple way to honor mothers—now conjures up images of crowded brunches, breakfast in bed, and sappy Hallmark cards. It's developed into a commercialized, ridiculous holiday overwrought with expectations.

It wasn't always this way. Anna Jarvis spearheaded the first Mother's Day events in 1908 to honor her own mother, a Sunday School teacher and caregiver for wounded soldiers during the Civil War. From that point on, she campaigned zealously for the holiday to become official and in 1914, Congress recognized it as such. Quickly, the floral and greeting-card industries became enraptured with the commercial possibilities of the holiday. 

By 1920, disgusted by the onslaught of remunerative avenues, Jarvis began urging people to stop buying flowers and cards for their mothers. In a press release, she wrote florists and greeting card manufacturers were "charlatans, bandits, pirates, racketeers, kidnappers and termites that would undermine with their greed one of the finest, noblest and truest movements and celebrations." She went door-to-door collecting petitions to rescind Mother's Day and spent the rest of her life trying to abolish the holiday she founded.

Saturday, May 11, 2013

Let's Pay Tribute To The Earth's Original Mother -Tzitsckas and her Mate Oorgi


Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen please shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Digibandit

"Corned Beef on Wry"

Friday, May 10, 2013

Red State White Christian Males - Angry and Frustrated By Evolution and Attractive Females

You Must be kidding!
It took 3.5 billion years to create us -we have more connections in our brains than particles in the universe -our bodies contain 60 trillion cells AND our entire biological directive (purpose for existing) is to reproduce - to send our genes downstream into the vast furnace of existence AS nature programmed us and all living eukaryotic cellular entities to seek a mate and to procreate!
AND those female mates are programmed to be attractive to a male  AND here is the problem for most Southern Christian Men - those females are programmed to be attracted to THOSE MALES with the strongest indicators of being able to produce strong offspring AND to nurture them SOOOOO??? 

In the Animal Kingdom the females look for the brightest plumage as those indicators of healthy genetics and overall reproductive strength -  AND IN THE HUMAN KINGDOM  these attractive females ALSO look for physical attractiveness ( human plumage) - BUT TODAY!!!!! 

With cultural evolution  - AND here's the real kick in the nuts Homer - the gals look for signs of success like EDUCATION - INTELLIGENCE - AND - FINANCIAL STABILITY  - SOOO - if you were a non or fairly attractive male (fat and kinda goofy is not strong plumage in any case) with a shitty or even meager kinda job and you had no financial stability (let alone a pile of dough and bling) and were not too SMART like most Southern Christian Men :

you USED to be able to hook up with a kinda fairly attractive mate BUT those days are over Clem!


and for sure you are never gonna fuck that 8-9 0r 10 (or any chick remotely in that vicinity) that you dream about  AND THAT all those OTHER guys  - (mostly from Blue States which really hurts) ARE hooking up with AND SOO - you all become obsessed with other things to take your minds off the core problem:

  ya all's lack of desireability by and repellant nature to - hot females
By Joining in with and forming up in groups with other Similar Male's who also like you will NEVER get that attractive mate

A "We Only Get Three's and Four's" Fraternity of Southern White Conservative Frustrated and Angry Christian Men

Sharing that anger and other obsessions and other Moronic behavior which act as coping mechanisms (which take the sting out of your crushed balls) - LIKE:

Guns - Rabid Religion -  Paranoid Conspiracies - Hunting -  and Nascar (lot's of noisy shit is a godd distraction)) - Drugs and Booze - Violent Treatment of Kids and Wives - Crime - etc.  - Oh well you get the picture dontcha Mervin?

Sorry Guys - You are a bunch of losers -stick with the fours!
OH -and just extend this Male Loser syndrome driven by sexual rejection across the Globe and you can see it's deadly ramifications ESPECIALLY in places where 99% of The Male Popuation are considered COMPLETE genetic losers by the hottest females which is why they lock them up and treat them like shit!

I want a smart cock with money!


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