America Should Out -Source Parenting Say's New Study

Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today: "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."

American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !

He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."

" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."

Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "

"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"

The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics  would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.

Fox Announces ""Resurrection" Fake Death Reality Show

Mike Darnhell,President of Fox TV announced a revolutionary new Reality program in which families will be informed that a close member of that family -- has died!

"Here's an example of how it worked -we have of course already shot thirteen episodes before the joke got around --haha " He continued; "The wife gets a phone call(from our producer) --so sorry Mrs. Crotchrot, this is the LA Medical Examiner's office and we have some terrible news for you --your husband Benjamin is dead! -- Be calm my dear -- he's with God at this very moment --no it won't be necessary for you to identify the remains because there are no remains --- now calm down Maa'm and let me explain. Your husband was identified from DNA samples in a tooth from the Great Whie Shark that ate him which we found washed up on the Malibu beach -- it was stuck in a piece of Mr. Crotchrot's skull. --oh please stop screaming --think of him with Jesus now--playing Golf. --Please stop crying -- okay so think of him with Moses and Abraham, playing Pinochle"

"Well you get the picture." he went on: " So we cover all the family trauma and do a bunch of backstories on the family and the deceased --we get the kids involved and the neighbors and the Clergy and the funeral is fabulous --we bring in some gospel r&b talent from "American Idol" (ooh Lordy Jesus ooh ooh uh uh) monkey music crapola -- or a Rabbi with a violin, or Matsinyahu (manishtinoye hazeh oye yoy yoy voy) the Hebey histrionics -- and the tears flow like Evian and people moan and cry and faint and throw themselves on the casket -- You know! -- the whole reality shtick that the moronic viewers eat up like shit candy."

"But"Mike continued; at least this program has a happy ending and a moral point of view -- when Mr.Crotchrot jumps out of the casket --not only is their wild relief (ah yes - dissapointment in some cases) -but it really demonstrates what's important in life in a clear and sobering fashion -- a real wake-up call! -- and -- it offers hope to folks who have been informed of sudden deaths in their families -- who can now hope and pray that thay will pop up at their funeral as part of a television hoax?

Our Reporter asked; "You think that justifies your faking someone's death --scaring loved ones out of their minds with grief -- the shock and trauma and long lasting impact on the children?" -- "Now just hold on right there Miss Gullible. There have only been two heart attacks and one stroke so far,and the children spend half their lives with digital baby sitters that make this show look like "Little House On The Prairie".

"And besides -- who gives a fuck -- it's Television --you don't like it --turn it the fuck off. "

Tony Snow Rats Out Cheney and Rumsfeld As Viscious Murderers

White House Press Secretary,Tony Snow,after finding out that he has liver cancer yesterday.decided to come clean,and share his knowledge of what he has discovered about the Bush administration - "A Confession," as he put it.

He stated,"The American people have a right to know what a sleazy bunch of egomaniacal pricks and patological killers this bunch is! -- and let me first of all start out with quite a shocker! -- The President told me two weeks ago when i asked him if it wasn't time to admit that the Iraqui situation is hopeless"

"Tony" he said, "i would have pulled out long ago -- but Cheney and Rumsfeld told me straight out -- Mr. President, if you pull the plug on Iraq,we will have your wife and daughters tortured and raped and then burned alive after we force them to eat Barney -- then we will drown your Mother and Father in the icy waters up there in Maine,after first forcing Barbara to blow us -- then we will poison your brother Jeb and his whole family -- then we will violate and dismember Condi Rice -then we will take your best friend Karl Rove and cut out his tongue and pour gasoline down his throat and set it on fire- then we will skin alive your spik buddy,Attorney General Gonzales, and then we will sodomize Harriet Meyers and disembowel her --and we will make the whole thing look like Iraqi fanaticks did it."

I said,"Mr. President, they could never get away with it." and he replied, "Tony, they have killed and dislocated millions of helpless Iraquis with the way they fucked up this war -- and countless numbers of our own soldiers -killed and maimed for life. And the money,Tony, -- the money thats been wasted and the pockets that have been lined and Tony -- the Oil -these folks have so much blood on their hands and so much at stake --do you think their worried about a few more casualties?"

When reached for comment -- The President and Vice President and ex Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said basically the same thing; "Poor Tony The cancer has eaten his brains away,"

Arab Muslims are Constipated - Bush To Drop Stool Softeners

A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixty -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.Dr Moishe Pipick ,Chief Proctologist for The Center for Stool Physics, in Israel stated: "These Folks are really backed up! Some of them have never taken a good dump, and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your attitude."

"And the Religious leaders ,who are fucking nuts to begin with -- and who don't drink or do drugs; and whose women look like human hefty bags,and they can't even take a decent shit?" -- "Oye vey!" said Dr.Steven Marks,prominent Israeli Vulcanologist."If they all shit at once -- it will be a seismic event!"

President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region. "Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."

Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy

With her news ratings in the toilet--- Les Moonbeam,Prexy of CBS,and the brainchild behind paying Couric twenty mill to exit the Today Show and bring ratings gold to The CBS Evening News -- especially among younger viewers -- made a revolutionary announcement today -- and one with far reaching implications for the future of Television News anchoring and field reporting.

He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”

He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”

“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”

“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”

‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.

Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .

ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!

And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "

He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"

President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."

Battle Dwarfs To Move Into Baghdad "Splurge"

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).

Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)

"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."

Israel To Put Birth Control Agent In Arab Water

Dr.Moishe Pipick. -- Minister of The Israeli Experimental Defense Agency -- responded to a leaked and classified initiative by his agency to stop the out of control birth rate in the Arab world:

"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?

He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."

"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"

Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:

And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"

He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.

"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )

However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.

The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.

Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"

Kirstie Alley Gives Birth To Twenty Pound Black Baby Boy

The wide hipped -- georgous earthmother/actor -- best known for her battles with the bulge -- gave birth to a twenty pound black baby in Lenox Hill hospital in New York City last night. ( so now we know what those extra wide skirts were concealing).

Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."

The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"

Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."

He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.

"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"

The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."

The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!

Pope Caught Masturbating In A Vatican Confessional Chamber

In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outside the pussy he explained) --are sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!

Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.

The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?

The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."

Fox annnounces"I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney"

Fox entertainment president Moishe Pipick announced it's revolutionary new reality show "I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney", starring George Clooney. He said: "women are lining up by the thousands to be selected as finalists - where ten married women will spend a week in his mansion on the Hawaiian island of Molokai where they have agreed to have sex with him -- including but not limited to oral and anal sex -- and will compete for his attention in the hope that he will choose them as his "hawaiian sex slave". -- Winners will receive one million dollars and a week with George alone in his mansion. --All the women will go through an on air judging process similar to American Idol except they will perform a strip tease and undergo cross examination by the celebrity judges with their current husbands , family and children (all contestants must have at least three children and be married for a minimum of ten years.)

All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.

Britney Pregnant With Dr.Phil's Baby

Confidential sources at the Hazeldon Recovery Center in Minnesota confirmed that Britney Spears is pregnant with a baby girl and that the father is the reknowned television therapist Dr. Phil.

"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."

Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.

Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"

Focus On Candidates Moves To Oral Sex Behavior -- Initial Evaluation below:

The religious right has shifted it's concern from celibacy as it weighs in on the presidential primary race ; "thet have all been married two or three times and are basically a bunch of whore mongers so we have to shift the focus to some more relevent criteria." said Paul Dotson .head of The American Family Council -- a conservative group whose real name should be " TheRepressed and Constipated Hall of Fame."

"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.

Here,then, is their initial evaluation:

Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"

John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."

Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."

Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.

Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.

Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "

John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."

Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"

kike Mayor To Ban "Nigger" But Allow MotherFucker Says Spic Manhattan Asseblyman

Manhattan Assemblyman Jose Tostada said at a City Hall news briefing yesterday; "Mayor Bloomberg should concentrate more on the root causes of intolerance and ethnic and racial bigotry instead of employing the "Epithet Police" to watch over us in his recent moves to criminilize the utterance of the horrible word"Nigger" in New York City -- we already have laws that deal with situations like, "Hey nigger i'm gonna fuck you up!" --the operable phrase there is "fuck you up!" --and you will do time for that"

"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?

"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"

"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."

"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"

Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"

Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"

"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.

Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."

He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.

Cheney's Dick Latest Victim In Coulter Wars

Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly told his homosexual daughter; "I wouldn't fuck her with your cock!" -- referring to the rumors that he is the latest victim to fall prey to what is now being referred to by the medical community as: "Coulter's Cunt Virus" --or CCV.

Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."

A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"

Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter

"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."

Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)

Bill O'Reilly Get's Clap From Anne Coulter

The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.

Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."

O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."

Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton

"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.

God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."

God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."

God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"

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This Jew keeps me out of jail

Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial

Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."

Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"

Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."

Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!

CBS Announces "Nipple Thursday" To Save Katie

"Clearly -- our strategy of having Katie delivering the news without underwear has not worked!," said Moishe Pipick CBS news president,reeling from the latest nielsen news ratings which show Katie Couric dead last and slipping in key younger male demos.

He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."

Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"

Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist

The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period -- he evn thought about changing his name to Lance Barak."

There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."

The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."