xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 06/01/2010 - 07/01/2010

Monday, June 28, 2010

God Wants Blood Sacrifices You Redneck Morons

Read this and pray that if there is a God he will wipe out the Deep South once and for all -and we can begin to settle homo sapiens there -and start over fresh.


After the singing of the opening hymn, “Ring the Bells of Heaven,” and the announcement that an engaged couple was now registered at Wal-Mart, the preacher read aloud a proclamation from Gov. Bob Riley that declared this to be a “day of prayer” — a day of entreaties to address the ominous threat to the way of life just outside the church’s white doors.

Whereas, and whereas, and whereas, the proclamation read. People of Alabama, please pray for your fellow citizens, for other states hurt by this disaster, for all those who are responding. And pray “that a solution that stops the oil leak is completed soon.”

In other words, dear God, thank you for your blessings and guidance. And one other thing, dear God:

Help.

The governor’s words hung a moment in the fan-turned air. Then the preacher, Shawn Major, summoned the men of the church to the front to “ask God to do something special.”

Two dozen men, many of them wearing short-sleeve shirts in summery colors, knelt and sat with heads bowed and eyes closed, while a half-mile down the street, other men — and women — underwent training in the use of a more secular form of hope, the laying of boom.

The wall between church and state came a-tumbling down on Sunday, as elected leaders from the five states on the Gulf of Mexico issued proclamations declaring it to be a day of prayer. Although days of prayer are not uncommon here — Governor Riley declared one asking for rain to relieve a drought a few years ago — these proclamations conveyed the sense that at this late date, salvation from the spill all but requires divine intervention.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Fox Announces --'Deadliest Snatch" Will Join Fall Reality Line-UP

It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .

Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"

"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"

"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"

Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"

'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"

"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."

He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it!"

"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"

Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"

But when Mike --when already?

Thursday, June 24, 2010

BP Stations Selling Polluted Gulf Oil

Herman Gottlieb had just filled up at the local BP station in Aliquippa ,Ohio when his car started to sputter and stalled.

He said:"I got out and noticed there were feathers coming out of my exhaust pipe -AND -when i stuck my fingers up there i found three dead shrimp"

He comtinued: "And then it dawned on me -Those Mother Fucking British assholes are refining that gulf oil and are now selling us gas from the Gulf oil spill!"

Tony Heyward CEO of BP said: "I will look into that as soon as i finish my colon cleansing regimen this evening -BUT - in any case we have to get a handle on the situation"

He concluded: "Even if the recycled oil can be refined into gas -I doubt if the dead Marine life components will be combustion friendly"

BP Stations Selling Polluted Gulf Oil

Herman Gottlieb had just filled up at the local BP station in Aliquippa ,Ohio when his car started to sputter and stalled.

He said:"I got out and noticed there were feathers coming out of my exhaust pipe -AND -when i stuck my fingers up there i found three dead shrimp"

He comtinued: "And then it dawned on me -Those Mother Fucking British assholes are refining that gulf oil and are now selling us gas from the Gulf oil spill!"

Tony Heyward CEO of BP said: "I will look into that as soon as i finish my colon cleansing regimen this evening -BUT - in any case we have to get a handle on the situation"

He concluded: "Even if the recycled oil can be refined into gas -I doubt if the dead Marine life components will be combustion friendly"

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Fox Tv Announces “Ten Drunken Dwarfs Farting”

“I can’t take credit for this hot new addition to our summer reality line-up” said Fox TV pres. Mike Schlocknell.

“This sure fire hit is the brain child of our very own Rupert Murdoch” he said at a press conference in LA today “You know – “Rup has always maintained that if you did a whole show with nothing but Dwarfs sittin around drinking and getting loaded –and farting” “You’ll have a hit TV show Schlocknell!”

“So – we did some focus groups and sure enough Rup was absolutely right – folks were peeing in their pants –and we should have trusted Rup’s instincts from the get go –because if anyone has a feel for this shit –it’s Rup!”

“Isn’t the preferred term these days Little People - won’t they and the audience be offended by the word “Dwarfs?” asked digibandit Hollywood bureau chief –Elise Mandelbaum.

“Nope!” said Schlocknell - “ Rupe was very clear about that and he told me; “Mike – we don’t want ANY Little Folks! - Make sure you use ONLY dwarfs!”

“Are they gonna have a focus to their drunken fart laden commentary?” asked Mandelbaum.

“Oh yeah!” answered Schlocknell – the theme for the first thirteen shows is “ Obama Is Acting Like A? ” – like “President Obama is Acting Like a Baby” - Or he’s acting like a Spoiled Black Kid - Or He’s Acting Like a Muslim” -You get the idea Elise dontcha? -All that crybaby flap he voiced about Fox news!”

“Yeah –that Ruppert Murdoch sure is a creative character –he’s even more creative than you are Mike!”

“Well Elise” – he replied -“The Jews don’t have ALL the creativity around here” (off microphone -“But you sure have got great tits!”)

Saturday, June 19, 2010

First Father's Day Began With A Blow Stick

Historians have recorded that there was a tradition to celebrate Father's Day even thousands of years ago. Their study say that 4,000 years ago in Babylon a son called Elmesu carved a father's day message on a clay card. In his message Elmesu wished his father a long and healthy life. There is no knowledge as to what happened to this father son duo but it is believed that several countries retained the custom of celebrating Father's Day.

Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.

About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on -like:

"So what you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"

See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.

Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:

A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.

See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.

WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"

And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT was your Father's Day gift"

And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -he's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"

Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.

So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.

So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.

AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.

But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.

Japs would Eat Their Mothers if They Had Fins

YOKOHAMA, Japan — “The Cove,” an Oscar-winning documentary about dolphin hunting in Japan, would seem to be a natural fit for movie theaters here, but so far the distributor has yet to find a single one that will screen the film.

The New York Times

Many of the scenes in “The Cove” were filmed in Taiji.

And if Shuhei Nishimura and his compatriots on Japan’s nationalist fringe have their way, none ever will.

In a country that shudders at disharmony and remains wary of the far right’s violent history, the activists’ noisy rallies, online slanders, intimidating phone calls and veiled threats of violence are frightening theaters into canceling showings of “The Cove,” which not only depicts dolphin hunting in an unflattering light but also warns of high levels of mercury in fish, a disturbing disclosure in this seafood-loving nation.

DR. Moishe Pipick head of the World Marine Life Institute in Berne ,Switzerland said today:

"The Japs think that eating sea food will make them taller and give them Caucasian sized weiners -So -they are slowly but surely destroying many species of Ocean fish and mammals -including endangered whales and tuna and swordfish"


Dr.Pipick then answered an obvious question -" "Huh!Oh yes -the women? - They think sea food will enlarge their breasts so they can attract those big Caucasian weiners"

Friday, June 18, 2010

Louisiana Chef Cooks With BP Oil

Master Chef Moishe Pipick -owner of the famous Chez Pipick on Bourbon Street is packing them in with his revolutionary new menu which uses oil from the BP spill to create delicious meals.

Chef Pipick said today: "I started out by experimenting with shrimp that had been contaminated by the oil -and Voila! -I sauteed the shrimp with cayenne pepper and a special secret balsamic vinegar sauce and my customers went wild for it"

Digibandit restaurant and food reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked the chef: "Weren't you afraid of folks getting sick from the oil?"

"No No!" said Chef Pipick; "Louisianan's have caste iron stomachs -they can eat a shit based boulliabase with enough hot sauce on it to choke a Mexican - with no problems whatsoever"

The Chef continued: "So - next - i experimented with oil soaked clams and mussels and they were delicious and people went crazy for them -and i ran out in two days"

"Next i developed an oil soaked fish stew with fennel and tomatoe sauce and i can't handle the demand I'm getting!"

Pipick went on: "Right now there are dozens of fishing boats working with me to catch oil coated fish and mollusks for my expanding BP enriched menu -AND:

"I have even developed an oil soaked Roast Duck entree' with peppercorns -AND if that goes over the way i think it will:

"Voila -oil enriched -braised Brown Pelican in a rich wine and cognac based gravy -and i am also experimenting with a stuffed oily Lobster vinagrette"

Elise Mandelbaum queried Chef Pippick' "Have your ingredients been approved by the FDA?"

"Hah1 Hah! Elise -you have nice breasts but you don't know how things work in Louisiana"

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Female Frigidity Pill Unecessary says Dr. Moishe Pipick

Ever since Viagra met blockbuster success in 1998, the drug industry has sought a similar pill for women.


An image on the Boehringer Web site about depressed sexual desire.

David Goldman/AP Images for Society for Women's Health Research

Dr. Laura Berman, left, a sex therapist, with Lisa Rinna.

Readers' Comments

Readers shared their thoughts on this article.

Now, a German drug giant says it has stumbled upon such a pill and is trying to persuade the Food and Drug Administrationthat its drug can help restore a depressed female sex drive. The effort has set off a debate over what constitutes a normal range of sexual desire among women, with critics saying the company is trying to turn a low libido into a medical pathology


Dr. Moishe Pipick, a psychologist and professor at New York University who has researched the topic of female sexual desire for more than a decade and plans to testify to the F.D.A. panel on Friday, said Boehringer had gone too far with its publicity effort.

“Women’s sex lives are often a struggle, a disappointment, an archipelago of regret,” he said. “Is there a small group of women who could benefit from medical intervention — probably.”

But he said that if the drug were approved, he worried that “the much larger group of women without any medical reason for their sexual distress -but who are married to fat ugly ignorant redneck men and devout Christians - will inevitably be misinformed and misled into thinking that there is a pill that can get them the sex life they read about, the one they think everyone else is having.”


Dr. Pipick went on:"While many experts say that unlike sexual dysfunction in men — which has an obvious physical component —sexual problems in women are much harder to diagnose. And among doctors and researchers, there is serious medical debate over whether female sexual problems are treatable with drugs. Some doctors advocate psychotherapy or counseling, while others have prescribed hormonal drugs approved for other uses."

Pipick stated: :There is also debate over how widespread hypoactive sexual desire disorder actually is among women. -But in my forty years of analyzing what i call "Frigid Women":

:The solution is for them to find a successful Jewish man and have some Chinese take out -and two or three martinis -and watch some porno -and eat some dark chocolate "

"And -let nature take it's course"



Wednesday, June 16, 2010

The Digibandit: In LA It's Mexican Kosher Deli Shock

The Digibandit: In LA It's Mexican Kosher Deli Shock

In LA It's Mexican Kosher Deli Shock

So I'm in LA and my son says "Hey Pops- How about a nice Corned Beef on rye -we're right near a famous LA kosher deli"

I says "Go on -I'm used to getting my corned beef and pastrami sandwiches at Katz' on West Houston street in NYC - you gotta be kidding! -Kosher deli in LA -That's an oxymoron"

Lee replies; "No way -Jerry's in Marina Del Ray has authentic NY caliber - max out artery clogging cold cuts on Jewish rye that will put lead in your old pencil -guaranteed!"

So here we are at Jerry's and i have just ordered a corned beef on rye from -get this - from a Mexican deli man.

Now just for the record -my position on cross border immigration is -"C'mon in! - EVERY Mexican illegal or illegal -in my opinion -is ten times the human being than all the white Americans living outside the blue states -AND i would prefer living next to a Mexican gang banger than any religious Christian or rich wasp"

BUT - i do not want to order a Corned beef on Rye from one of them -it's like putting mayo on a Brisket sandwich (which my son just ordered -and he is now officially out of my will.)

Oh -and when i asked Luis for some kosher garlic dills he informed me that he never heard of them -I was waiting for him to ask me if i would like some jalepenos instead (in which case i would have called immigration)

My son said -"Oh poppy -you are an old fashioned Jew!"

SO! -LA has turned my son into an anti-semite -and is basically transforming authentic corned beef and pastrami and brisket and salami sandwiches -Kosher Deli et. al -into Jewish Burritos.

Oh -and my skinny -virtually fat free Corned Beef sandwich tasted like crap!

Fuck Jerry's!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Best Torture For Muslim Extremists - Nagging American Wives

Muslims treat their women like Korean's treat dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)


So - you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been -I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.

You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less? Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;

"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andthat would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......

"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.


Monday, June 07, 2010

Fox Announces "Desperate Gulf Coast Women"

Mike (the midget) Darnhell -Prexy of Fox Reality Tv said today:

"Those redneck hottie housewives down in the Gulf Coast and Florida Panhandle have always been on our minds in terms of a "Desperate Housewives" type program -But - now! -It's just gotta happen!"

He went on: "These women will fuck a snake while their hubbies are out catching crawfish or alligators or pelicans or whatever USED to swim out in those waters - under pre BP conditions (we like to say BBP or ABP -kinda gives it a biblical twist) --heh heh heh!"

Darnhell continued; "But now with their kids using tar balls for beach toys and their husbands broke and shitfaced all the time --the whole place is like one big housewife whorehouse!"

"Anyway the show is gonna be kickass powerful -and it's not just about these "Oil Widows" heh heh - i thought up that one:

"This show is gonna exhibit the deep down cultural impact of an Oil Spill on the sexual habits of horny redneck housewives AND their oily families"

He concluded; "Here at Fox TV we care about the environment and all them destroyed critters and all that hot oil -But -let's never forget:

"The Desperate Gulf Coast Housewives" -and THEIR Hot OIl!"

Sunday, June 06, 2010

New Study Finds That Hunters Have Tiny Penis'

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife.


"Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the susequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled .us" said Mathew Pinsker,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).

RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete "Manhood"


Thursday, June 03, 2010

Make Abortion Legal Up To Five Years Old

Thursday, June 03, 2010

At least 13 other states have introduced or passed legislation this year.


The new laws are the religious cookoo's latest attempts to make the big tooth fairy (God) in the sky happy


New laws range from an Arizona ban on coverage of abortion in the state employees’ health plan toa ban in Nebraska on all abortions after 20 weeks, on the grounds that the fetus at that stage can feel pain.

I mean my geraniums experience more reflexive pain when i prune them than a fetus

And by the time a kid is five years old and raised in a cookoo religious environment -we are talking about a LIFETIME of pain for them and all of us -and the future fetus' they will generate - so:

Let's just send them out for euthenizing and Then they can go peacefully up to Heaven and have fun with the Angels --and leave their redneck parents more time for drinking and hunting and kicking the shit out of each other -and their dogs and remaining siblings.

Oh - but the wonderful irony is that when the rednecks pass all these laws and stop black teenagers from aborting their future criminals -they will need to buy a lot more ammo and send all their daughters to Denmark.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Israel Should Just Torpedo Blockade Runners

And then pick up the survivoes and throw them in dark cells and then torture them.

That's what would happen in any of the BAD places on Earth where crimes against humanity of demonic horror are being perpetrated in places like:

North Korea and Iran and The Congo and Sudan and Chechnya - and Most of Africa - and laos and Myannamar and more than half the countries in the world that are rated as horror chambers by the UN .

Israel is like Sweden compared to 90% of the world's slaughterhouses -And that is why the Jew hating radicals and misdirected peacenicks are not afraid of being arrested there,

I mean -where would YOU like to be arrested? -Turkey? China? Iran? Syria? North Korea? South Carolina or Texas?

Or Israel?

So go fuck with the Jews who are fighting maniac Moslems 24/7 -You can go get away from your crappy life and become validated as a hero.

But go fuck with some REALLY bad actors who make the Israeli Palestine mess look like a Garden Party:

And you won't be deported -you'll be gang raped and just dissapear -forever.