xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 10/01/2008 - 11/01/2008

Thursday, October 30, 2008

North Vietnamese Doctor Say’s McCaine Was Flying Drunk

Doctor Moishe Van Trang – a Vietnamese Colonel and Surgeon – who treated John McCaine after he was shot down over Hanoi – said today from his sickbed in Phnom Pen – (where he is dying from agent orange poisoning );

“I guess it’s time to come clean about the McCaine incident !”

He stated; “When Mccaine stepped out of his smoking cockpit he was yelling –“Fuck you gooks – come and get me! -He was waving a bottle of Dewars scotch whiskey – and firing his revolver in the air - then he fell –shot himself through both legs and his hip – broke his collar bone – and passed out.”

He went on; ‘I was told by the Air Command to never mention this - because they didn’t want the American’s to know that the only way we could have hit him with our fucked up Russian SAM system – was because he was flying around drunk.”

“Oh – and as long as I’m coming clean, you know that business about the guard who drew a Christian Cross in the dirt?”

“What about that?” – said digibandit foreign correspondent Lisa Mandelbaum.

Dr. Moishe Van Trang confessed; “It was me – and it wasn’t a Cross! – it was a Jewish Star!”

“Landsman” – cried Lisa.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Terrified Chickens Lay Poisoned Eggs

Dr. Moishe Pipick – head of experimental agronomy at Cornell University - announced the results of a significant new study today;

“A free range chicken spends it’s entire life in a state of high anxiety! - It’s akin to what a human being would experience running around naked – at night – in the Kenyan wild Lion refuge.”

“On the other hand” –Dr Pipick stated; “a chicken within the enclosed security of a cage – where they can barely move – is like a human being snuggled up against a pair of warm tits in a comfy bed.”

“And consequently” he continued; “ Free Range chicken eggs contain a toxic chemical which is released by these “Free” birds - which spend their whole short lives in a state of constant terror and fear of being torn apart and devoured by predators at any given moment.”

He went on; “ This chemical produces high levels of anxiety and hypertension in women! – And - it has had a significant negative impact on male female relationships – and hence – culture and society as a whole.” (oops a pun)

Dr. Pipick concluded; “ Without getting too technical – the study – conclusively proves that women who ingest Free Range chicken eggs –are much more “Bitchy” (you’ll notice I didn’t use the “C” word ) -- heh heh heh!

“if you really want to do something? -Come up with a Free Range Flour - Our studies conclusively show that - wheat does not enjoy growing so closely together – and when stalks are planted at least three inches apart – they are much happier!”

“But that’s another subject”

Friday, October 24, 2008

Obama Had Criminal Friends In Kindergarden - Says Sarah Palin

Sarah (Trailer Trash) Palin accused Obama of having at least two buddies in Kindergarden who became criminals! - she stated today on the campaign trail in Bumfuck South Dakota (where a crowd of ten thousand fat rednecks cheered her on):



"It's a continuation of his pattern of making bad judgements about the company he keeps - John and i were horrified to discover that two of his little Kindergarten buddies went on to careers in crime!"



She continued: "Little Moishe Pinsky - the son of a Jewish tailor became the bookeeper for fat Sally Giovanni - a prominent Chicago loanshark"



"And - Tiny Mustaffa Balucka - a negroe child from Raleigh North Carolina - went on to become a tap dancing Muslim junkie - who robbed banks in Gary, Indiana."



Sarah further stated: " Oh - and get this - another little early childhood buddy of his - Timmy (Tubby the Tuba) O'Reilly - went on to murder a St. Louis Priest who he caught sodomizing his little brother - i mean - a Priest!"



"John and I don't like this kind of campaigning" - said Sarah - "But but - i mean - you know - who your friends are is really -really important!"



Digibandit election reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked Ms. Palin; "But - Sarah - i mean - Kindergarden? - Friends from Kindergarden?"



She responded; "Heck yes Kindergarden - it's where you develop ypur life long, God given values Elise! - Maybe as a Jew you just don't get it?"

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fox TV announces "The Palins" - with John McCaine as feature guest star

Fox television prexy - Moishe Pipick - in announcing Fox's contract with Sarah Palin - to executive produce "The Palin's" - a recreation of "The Munsters" - announced today at a press conference in Hollywood :

"The Munsterswas a 1960s American television sitcom depicting the home life of a family of monsters. The show was a satire of both traditional monster movies and popular family entertainment of the era, such as Leave it to Beaver. It ran concurrently with the The Addams Family. Although the Addams were well-to-do, the Munsters were a more blue-collar family. The Munsters also had higher Nielsen ratings than The Addams Family"

He continued: "The Palins" will become America's first family of monstors! -Think about - the Munsters meets the Osbournes - living in a shitty one horse town - Wasilla, Alaska - and you have this psycho red neck politician with her aboriginal husband - and a family of freaks!"

"I mean- if this is not great television - then shoot me someone - please!"

He went on; "We even have a commitment from John McCaine to appear in a regular guest role as the retarded brother of Tod Palin - who was mauled by a Polar bear while drunk and taking a piss out on the ice one night with a bunch of Eskimos. (which is why he looks and acts THAT way.)"

Sarah Palin said at the press conference today; "I am so proud to be joining the Fox TV family. - I never really belonged in politics with all those Jews and Spics and Niggers and unpatriotic folks."

"Now i can spend all my time with God and my family and Fox and the American TV audience. - Amen"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Fox Announces -"Brother Can You Spare A Dime?"

Fox TV president Sammy Schlocker announced today:

"With the economy collapsing - we thought it would be fun to build a reality show around the Great Depression's most famous refrain "Brother Can You Spare A Dime" - which will have top executives from the financial sector - who have lost everything - compete against one another in a reality show where they use all their skills - in peddling apples on street corners in the new York City financial district.

Just like so many ex moguls resorted to after Wall Street collapsed in 1929.( at the beginning of the Great Depression) ---- these ex wealthy financial titans - will now apply all their skills to selling apples to the folks they fucked!



"Former Lehman brother executives - Merril Lynch managers - top dogs from Fannie and Freddie - and powerful Hedge Fund managers and brokers et. al. - will be given a fresh supply of apples each morning and we will tally up their sales every day."

"It's a zero sum game!" said Moishe Pipick, ex CEO for "Pipick and Gevalt LLC" - one of wall Street's most powerful investment banks , before the collapse. - Exactly the code i lived by, before i lost everything ."

"My Gulf Stream jet - my home in Greenwich Connecticut - my yacht - my Rolls and my golden Retriever Freddie (which really hurt!) -- "He went with my bitch of a trophy wife Marr. (losing her makes the whole ordeal almost bearable)"

Moishe continued; "I would just like to thank Fox for giving us a shot at making a comeback - and i know i will move a lot of apples!"

Fox VP Programming and Executive producer for the program -- Mannie Mandelbaum stated: "Boy we really have to watch these folks - they are already being very creative and ruthless in their apple sales and marketing strategies - we have even caught them poisoning their competitors apples."

Well there's always a few rotton appels in every barrel!

Saturday, October 04, 2008

God Brings Seven Plagues To America - Economny IS Sixth

Financial Collapse is Sixth Of Seven New Plagues From God



Remember the seven plagues that God brought down upon the Egyptians because he was pissed about their treatment of the Jews?

Warts and blood and frogs and bugs and crap of all kinds and finally - death of the Egytian first born – until they let the Hebrews “GO”

Well - God has gotten more sophisticated in the last three thousand years (not any nicer though) – and so we have seven new plagues from the Boss – who is now pissed off at America - probably about climate change and turning the Earth into a shithole.

He is also pissed off at the other industrial nations – but it seems he has a hair up his ass about us. (probably because of all the phony demagogic hypocrits like Falwell and Robertson and Hagee and Dobson and Limbaugh (et al) –who are always putting words in his mouth to raise moola .

And – who by focusing on sex and pussy and porno and gays and illegal immigrants – things which God does not give a fuck about – evade the existential Global emergencies which the Big Guy does think are important.

So back to the new plagues he’s bringing down on us:

First – Bush/Cheney – "eight years of these mother fuckers might be a wake-up call for ya? - huh? Huh? Duh?"


Second - 9-11 - and the stirring up of the screwball Muslims. 'I really hated to do that"

Third – Hurricane Katrina – drowning a big city - and letting the Bush administration run with the clean-up ball. "Still fucked up down there? –Huh? -- HAHAHA"

Fourth - gay marriage – "So - you hate forty percent of My/Gods' weird children? – Well - now they can marry and raise families – fuck you!"

Fifth – illegal aliens - "You – a nation of immigrants and dead beats hate hard working and striving immigrants all of a sudden? - Okeydokey – here’s fifteen million of them – say hi!"

Sixth -- The economy –" Still don't have your undivided attention? -- How do you like the price of oil? - The housing Collapse? - The attack of the Wall Street thugs and pagans? – The credit disaster? -and more on the way - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA -- oweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Seven – "And soon to arrive if you don't get your collective shit together - President Sarah Palin!" --"Sorry John."

Ahahahaha!Hoooooo EEEEEEEEe Yahahahahahahahahah!

God is one funny dude!