xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 02/01/2007 - 03/01/2007

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Oral Sex Boot Camp saved Our Marriage says Hillary

Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: " After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"

"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Saturday, February 24, 2007

Vh1 Announces "Find The Honkey" Game Show

VH1 the network built on black streotypes announced it's latest prime time entry; "Ten black looking men will be analyzed by competing teams of all blacks and all whites who will ask questions to determine which of the ten black looking men is a "Honkey" in disguise." said Moishe Pipick head of programming for the VH1 network.

He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".

"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."

Friday, February 23, 2007

Trump To Buy Mexico Ending Illegal Immigration Problem

"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said the Donald at a Wall Street press conference with his hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs.

" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.

Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."

"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.

"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).

Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Strikes It Rich With Star Shit

Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers) "

Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!

(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Dame Judy Dench Sells Pussy Hair

"If that bald slut -- Britney,whats her name?,can get an offer of one million dollars for her well worn beaver -- my grandly grey pussy fibers should obtain at least two million quid." --said the acclaimed British Shakesperean actor and Academy Award nominee in London today.

When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."

Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."

Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Vibrator Motor Killed Anna Nicole-Smith

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.

LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."

LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."

Monday, February 19, 2007

Trump proposes Palestinian Pleasure Zone

The Donald has come out with a revolutionary solution to the "PalestinianProblem". he announced today that; " Let's face it the Moslems need a place to let off some steam and the Palestinians need some dinero real fast!"

"I propose turning the West Bank into the Las Vegas of the Middle East!" - " Jobs -- unlimited money -- an outlet for people who won't have to blow themselves apart to get into Paradise (no Virgins but real pros heh heh) -- and tons of cash for the Palestinian leaders to extort and steal and waste (the one thing they are great at)."

We can send a delegation of American Indian Tribal Chiefs (you know the tribal/ caveman thing that the Arabs love ) over there with a trillion bucks to get everything going and Voila! -- peace with the Jews --- prosperity -- and "Mellow Muslims" -- a first for fourteen hundred years."

"!Cash -- hookers -- gambling -- shows -- drugs and booze -- works every time!"

"Lucky seven -- pay the little lady in the see though Burkah!"

Sunday, February 18, 2007

Preacher Calls Pope a Chickenshit

Pat Robertson said in church today ; " The Pope came out and took a principled shot at Islam's propensity to inspire violence among Muslim adherents -- he admonished their leaders for standing by while aimless slaughter engulfed the Arab Middle East.'

"The Extremist Muslims rioted like a bunch of murderous Monkey's ,which they are (sorry Monkeys) and the Church ran away like scared rabbits."

'The Pope just stands idly bye as the slaughter of innocents continues and moderate Muslim leaders (an Oxymoron) ,scared shitless of their respective "streets" do nothing,while the Fanatics scream for more blood" in the name of Allah."

"The Pope is a chickenshit and a disgrace to the principles of Christianity -- the Church stood bye while the Nazis perptrated a Holocaust -- it's just more of the same."

Friday, February 16, 2007

Kim Jong iL Wants Rice Bad

Condoleeza Rice that is! "If i have to pretend to make a deal with those American dogs to get into her pants i will do it. -- No Korean has an ass like that black beauty" -- the Mad Midget dictator of North Korea was overheard saying to one of his Generals at the multi -lateral talks yesterday.

Condy responded " thats just male bonding talk -- he's not a bad guy for a retarded dwarf and if he saw me naked he'd probably shit himself.
The main thing is our diplomatic goals."

President Bush jumped in with;" The closest he'll get to Rice is in a bowl with dog meat on it." (sorry Barney)

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Eskimos Getting Snowed By Donald Trump

The Donald is moving quickly to take advantage of the real estate opportunities presented by Global Warming.His office announced today;"That frozen waste land filled with Polar Bears and blubber eating Eskimos is gonna be ice free and the perfect spot for "Trump North" -- Bugsy Siegel created Las Vegas out of the desert and i'm gonna do the same thing with the North Pole"

Asked about upsetting the indiginous Inuit culture he responded: "they can learn how to deal blackjack and clean hotel rooms -- it's too bad their women are to short and squat to be showgirls."

Rosy O'Donnel said: "Trump will probably slaughter the Penguins and serve them in his restaurant as northern duckling."

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Valentine Massacre 2007

President Bush was overheard saying to VP Cheney ; " i'd like to have a Special Attack Team enter The House of Representatives while those traiterous bastards are votin against my war -- and give them a taste of that Massacre in 1929 -- those boys knew how to deal with rats!"

"Yep -- i'd like to be blasting away right next to them with my shotgun -- i'd give Nancy Pelosi both barrels in those big jugs of hers!." said Cheney.

Bush replied; " Heh! Heh! Dick -- the way you shoot you'd probably shoot a couple of White House aids -- or a Republican Congressman by mistake."

"Now George", replied Cheney ' You don't think that shooting was a mistake - do ya? -- Nobody hogs the field when i'm out hunting!"

The President "heh heh heh"

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Katie Couric Will Do News Without Underwear

In a daring move to improve her ratings among male viewers it was announced today by Les Moonsies,Prsident of Paramount/CBS that: "Efective Valentines Day,Katie Couric will not be wearing any bra or panties during her news coverage. Wether she will be wearing underwear in her field reporting is still being negotiated."

He further stated; "This will not effect the quality of her coverage (forgive the pun) but will hopefully more fully engage the imagination of men in and with her reporting."

Ms. Couric was not available for comment but sources close to her said her biggest concern was that she might "blow a wet one" in the heat of breakng news coverage.

Her old sidekickk Matt Lauer said; "I certainly hope Candy Crowley doesn't pick up on this."

Monday, February 12, 2007

Rush Limbaugh Up To Old Tricks With Sheep

When the Bandit expose (see posting "Limbaugh in Cotton") forced Limbaugh to refrain from shtupping and thus terrorizing one of his prize Sheep -- Cotton; He was ordered to keep at least 200 feet away from her stall until a final hearing.

Late last night the foreman Mel Manure who blew the whistle on Limbaugh the first time, heard cries coming from Cotton's stall ; "When i got there Russ was screaming -- you slut ! you know i need you! and he was trying to force her hind legs apart" -- said Mel . He went on "there was an empty Oxycotin bottle lying on the floor".

Limbaugh was placed in custody by the local ASPCA and will appear before a local Judge Next week -- stay tuned! ( a 24 hour watch has been placed on the confused and abused Sheep -- Cottton)

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Fox Announces "Bust MY Cherry" -- Virgin Busting Reality Show

In this revolutionary new reality show --- a Virgin Female will put twelve young "studs" through a series of challenges before deciding which one of them will earn the right to be the first man to have sex with her. -- "To Bust Her Cherry".

Doug Herzgog President of Fox entertainment said " In keeping with our commitment to elevate the human condition through high quality programming, we hope "Cherry" will reinforce the need in our society for women to choose their sexual partners responsibly and not let any yo yo come along and deflower them"

The "Cherry Breaker" will receive $100,000 and the Virgin will will get a brand new Lincoln Navigator and a lifetime credit with Victoria Secrets and hopefully the ride of her life . ( and wer'e not talking about the Lincoln)

Friday, February 09, 2007

Seniors and Prisoners and Unemployed Required To Generate Energy

A new energy proposal initiated by Republicans and included in the latest "Ryan" Budget just approved in the House  --  would require all senior citizens on medicare  - all people on medicaide or on welfare or unemployment insurance - and all federal prisoners - to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.

"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said Newt Gingrich.

The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" in nursing homes where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.

President Obama called the plan "shocking".

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Ariel Sharon Get's Erection While In Coma

The valient Jewish leader and war hero who has been in a coma for the last year has shown an amazing sign of renewed life potential.

A nurse walking past his room last night noticed a large shadow on the wall in his room and upon investigating she saw his blanket was elevated "Like a tent" from his huge erection and was casting a pole-like image.

DR. Yonah Schimmel head of the intensive care operation for General Sharon said " this is an amazing phenomenon and who knows what it portends for his recovery?

Head Israeli Rabbi, Moishe Pipick , said: "This is a sign from G-D that he will bring back our greatest military leader to crush our enemies once and for all."

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Excessive Masturbation Affects Troop Performance

Extremely horny American servicemen in Iraq are ; "beatin their meat so much they can't move as fast as they should -- it's difficult when you are chafed and raw and it's not like their wearing designer briefs, and the heat and the sand on top of that -- i'm amazed they can even walk at all", said General Petrayus at a Pentagon briefing with the President yesterday.

"This is the first war in US history where a soldier can't go out and get some local pussy or go to a whore house". -- "The Mullahs keep all the pussy to themselves and don't allow any sex and even if you could find a loose Iraqi women she'd look like your grandmother covered with a black tent" -- He further stated "No wonder these insurgents are so nuts -- they haven't gotten laid since their wedding night".

Asked by the President whether our female troopers couldn't pick up the slack; the General stated: "Hell theyr'e working overtime! Some of them are so bow legged that they waddle around like ducks and most of them just service each other."

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Dog Killings In Iraq Rally America Behind Bush

Blow up a school full of children ? -- Murder a bus load of aid workers?
Behead a Brigade of Marines? -- Rivers of Sunni and Shiite Blood?

BUT - start slaughtering the Iraqi dog population?

Defense Secretary William Gates announced today: "Non sectarian violence has now spread to pets and their are numerous reports of Sunnis beheading Shiite dogs -- God knows how widespread these animal attacks will become?"

The percentage of Americans supporting the war "surged" 20% on this news and President Bush ,holding his dog Barney in his arms said with tears in his eyes "Now ,at last, the American people know what wer'e fighting for."

Monday, February 05, 2007

USA Entertainment Industry To The Rescue

Steven Spielberg, addressing a group of leaders in the Entertainment industry summed up their mission and conference objective:

"We will use all our acquired skills in manipulating people to stare at TV and Computer and Game screens for over forty hour a week --- to bring about world peace -- starting in Iraq!"

"Our first mission --using the illusionary magic skills of David Blackstone will be to project a life like image of the Prophet Mohammad in the sky over Baghdad,where he will proclaim to his followers that suicide bombing and the killing of innocents is absolutely prohibited by the Koran "


Mohammad will proclaim "there are sixteen hundred and fifty four Muslims who sit in boiling pig fat 24/7 -- who thought they would be boffing Virgins in Paradise -- are you fucking nuts? -- Read my words! -- wWHERE does it say you are too act like deranged and cruel slaughtering monkeys in the name of Allah?"

Spielberg , in closing said "Mohammad is really pissed and wer'e going to help him get the message out'' and as a matter of fact who else would the wise Prophet turn too in helping his people -- than the Jews in Hollywood (irony worthy of Woody Allen),

Casting for the Voice of Mohammad -- i vote for Robin Williams -- You?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Famous Comic starts Iraqui Tour

Ascerbic satirist George Carlin is headed for Baghdad -- and not to entertain the troops:

" My objective is to poke fun at the whole ridiculous Sunni/Shiite hatred thing. You gotta know these poor bastards are miserable; they have sweaty unsanitary sex with a pile of rags ( you know that Burkhah schmata which is their women's version of Victoria's Secrets) -- no jobs and no money and they drink twenty cups of coffee a day --and they all have bombs and guns"

he went on; "illiterate -- always hungry -- no toilet paper and their revered Religious leaders tell them they can enter Paradise by blowing up people! So what's a guy to do?"

"Their kids stink and have flies in their eyes and sores on their asses and they cry constantly -- no water or electricity, and the poor schmucks don't even drink or get high "

"What they need are some Comedy Clubs and some laughs and iv'e got some grant money from GW" He told me "George, you crack Laura and me up -- i want you to go to Iraq and see if you can make some attitude adjustments with your humor.

"Wish me luck -- i think i'll start out with "So Mohammed walks into a bar and an old jew says......"

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Local Shark Hunter Loses His Head

Well -- that's one for the good guys!

Why don't these hunters just stick to beatin on their wives and kids?

Friday, February 02, 2007

Hillary Goes Ape

Hillary Clinton was overheard,during a private conversation with Dr. Howard Dean head of the National Democratic Committee -- saying that Barak Obama was very talented but that he resembled a Chimpanzee :

"American's will not elect a President that looks like he could be hanging
from a tree branch", she said.

Dr. Dean was heard to reply after great laughter "Yep - American's are more concerned wih looks than substance" and then he went on "hoo hoo hoo eee ee e " and jumped up and down and Hillary was laughing her ass off -- said the undercover Bandit reporter.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

VP Cheney A Stooge Relative

Well, it comes as no surprise to anyone who has followed Dick Cheney's performance as Vice President -- The Bandit has learned that he is the nephew of the famous Three Stooge's member-- -- "Curly"

President Bush said "I knew he reminded me of someone -- i am a big fan of The Stooges".

Ex Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld and a Cheney pal said "Yep -- as a matter of fact when i was younger and had lot's of hair i strongly resembled Mo ".

So there you have it -- Bush Rumsfeld and Cheney -- the Three Stooges of American foreign policy!