xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 06/01/2009 - 07/01/2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

"Don't Ask Don'T Tell" - Just Bend Over - You Cute Thing

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:

"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh"

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.

I mean - the two homo's are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!

This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy under the current "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

So maybe we should just leave things along until there's complete peace on earth?

"Don't Ask Don't Tell" Just Bend Over Cutie Pie

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:

And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh"

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.I mean - the two homo's are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy under the current "Don't Ask Don't Tell" policy.

So maybe we should just leave things along until there's complete peace on earth?

"Put Down The Fork Or Pay For Your Pork "-Says Obama

Obama said today – at a press conference - “Ok you tubby citizens – and that includes my dear porky pal Oprah and my big butted wife (heh heh) – Cut down on the rice – or pay the price”



“Put down the fork or pay for your pork!”



He continued "I am very serious about this issue because -- You can toss your empty soda cans in the recycle bin instead of the garbage, saving energy and reducing landfill. And you can wear hemp clothes and drive a hybrid car plastered with bumper stickers requesting the salvation of everything from owls to dust mites"



"There are lots of little ways to go green, but if you really want to help save the Earth, you can start by dropping a few pounds."



Obama said: "There's an old joke about a mother telling her son to finish the food on his plate because there are starving children in Africa. The smart-aleck's response is, "Got a stamp?"What's not a joke is that there is a finite amount of food in the world, and it is growing scarce. '



Recent food riots in Haiti, Sudan, Yemen, Mexico, Egypt, and other countries are a stark reminder that many people do not have enough to eat. The cost of staple foods such as corn, rice, and wheat are at record highs across the globe, and some can't afford to feed their families."



"Meanwhile in the United States, obesity is at an all-time high; two-thirds of adults in the Land of Plenty are overweight or obese. Obesity is perhaps the ultimate symbol of resource consumption; it's visible proof that overweight people already have" more than they need—and take more anyway."



"The causes of food shortages are varied and complex, but if Americans simply ate less food, there would be more for the rest of world. By some estimates, the average American consumes about 4,000 calories per day; that's twice what they need. Those 2,000 fewer calories would be available for those who truly need the food, and help to conserve Earth's natural resources."



"Overweight people create more air pollution than thin people do. It's simple physics: Extra pounds translate into extra fuel in automobiles and airplanes. Extra fuel means increased energy usage, oil drilling, and air pollution.A 2004 study by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that for every ten pounds gained by the average American, airlines burned 350 million more gallons of fuel to carry the additional weight."



"That fuel spewed an estimated 3.8 million extra tons of carbon dioxide into the air.And as for that smaller hybrid car? It's a good start, but there's not much point in buying fuel-efficient vehicles if you're going to fill that large seat with your extra-large butt; you might as well throw a few sandbags in the trunk."



" Fuel efficiency drops dramatically with more weight the engine has to pull; the lighter you are, the less gas you burn, the more money you save, and the less pollution you emit."



"Of course, going green by going lean is easier said than done, and only part of the problem. But by getting ourselves healthier we also help save the planet. Not a bad deal.”



He concluded:"God Bless all your fat asses.” -Especially all those great big black asses!"

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Use of Cheap Toilet Paper Linked To Anxiety and Violence

The APA (American Pschological Association) has just released a comprehensive study which proves that individuals who use premium toilet paper are much higher achievers - They have significantly more self esteem - and are more content and they live longer and have much better sex lives.

Dr. Sam Moshenbein, who headed the research team at the APA said:

"About a year ago i came home from the store and realized i had bought -by accident - some of those 1,000 sheet rolls of cheapt toilet paper (i have been using Charmin Ultra for twent years now) - and i thought -"Hey maybe i'll use these and save some money (like wer'e all supposed to do now) and maybe even some trees?"

He continued; "Well - i noticed after a few days that i was feeling kinda anxious - and that my asshole was never quite dry -and after about ten days i started to really just not feel right -and i was kinda depressed and angry - and not sleeping."

"Well being a shrink i started to analyze what conditions might be causing my newfound anxiety and WHAMMO! - i ran out and bought some Charmin Ultra and came home and took a nice big dump and wiped away generously and luxuriously and"

"Within two hours i was feeling so good that i humped my Becky on the coffee table!"

Dr. Moshenbein continued; "And it was then that i decided we should do a comprehensive study covering the linkage between cheap vs. premium
toilet paper usage -and boy is it a mind bender!"

He went on: "I mean -we have known for some time now that toilet training related trauma generates significant behavioral implications."

"And -we know that in Arab countries like Iran where the Mullah's wipe their asses with their hands (or newspaper) -it contributes heavily in their prediliction for extremism and violence -and mistreatment of their women and children"

He concluded ; " But know we know that even in modern industrialized Democracies -The use of cheap toilet paper contributes to significant cultural disadvantages -which disproportionally affects lower income households -and minorities overall."

"Wer'e hoping the Obama administration will take steps through the Food and Drug Administration to set minimal standards for "anxiety free wiping" by mandating the amount of cotton in each sheet of toilet paper"

Well - now it all makes sense to me - everytime i use that cheap shit paper they put in all stores and public toilets - i feel like my asshole is squooshy -and it makes me want to drag my ass along the ground like a dog with some shit on it's asshair.

You know what i mean?

Yeah -but the Republicans will say " "Oh my God -it's finally happened - the democrats are putting government in our shit"

Well -it's ironic -because the Republicans have been putting shit in our government for years!

Friday, June 26, 2009

Scientific Study Reveals Women Are Growing Dicks

Dr. Moishe Pipick, Chief of Evolutionary Science -at The Worldwide Institute of Paleobiological and Genetic Studies -or WIPGS - announced at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland today:

"Yes it is happening! - Woman are growing cocks!"

He said;"As women have become more liberated and powerful in modern industrialized societies they have changed -not only emotionally but phsically -and this has been a significant biological threat to men -not only emotionally but in terms of THEIR physiognomy."

Lisa Mandelbaum -digibandit science reporter asked Dr. Pipick: "Can you explain that in laymens terms?"

"Yah yah said the Doctor; "It is simple - women are becoming more independent and much stronger and their genes feel threatened that the males will not be able to keep Up (oops a pun) with them biologically -And Zo They defend themselves by letting the girls (heh heh) grow dicks with which to fuck THEMSELVES - and hence take over and be biologically independent from the males"

Elise said"Well Doctor -does this mean that men will eventually be dickless."

"Oh ya ya ya! - Absolutely Ms. Mandelbaum! - We already see significant shrinkage in their grapes"

"Grapes?" -Asked Mandelbaum "Oh Ya! -It's what we call balls where i'm from in Bayonne.N.J"

"It's zo zimple"said DR. Pipick - "In ten or twenty years -you will be able to fuck YOURSELF!"

"Wow! -That is fantastick -but what will the men do?"

He concluded; " As Martin Luther King said:"

"Free at last -Thank God Almighty - Free at last!"

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Bill Clinton Handled HIS Blow Job Like A Man -But Sanford?

But Republican Governor Mark Sanford?

"Ohh boo hoo -i went to Argentina for a blow job -boo hoo! -boo hoo!"

"I let down my God!" -Oh boo hoo hoo hoo!" -

"I let down The GOP! (Grand Old Pussies) -ooh hoo -boo hoo hoo!"

"I cheated on my wife -oh boohoobooohoooo -hoo!"

;"I let down my four kids - boo hoo hoo hooo!"

"I even let down my blow job friend - she's ruined - booohooo boo hoo!"

"I don't think i'll run for President now? -Oh boo hoo hoo!"

Why didn't you just shut the fuck up about it -you asshole!

Maybe you could have spared us all -and like your four kids and your wife all this pussy wussy drama - you bitch!

Remember Bill Clinton "I NEVER had sex with THAT woman" -and if that fat ugly nasty Linda Tripp hadn't ratted him out - we would all have been spared all that irrelevent drama.

And God doesn't care that you got a blow job -He MIGHT care that your a fucking wimp pussy who disgraced his family in public for nothin.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Mark Sanford Gives It All Up For Argentinian Blow Job

COLUMBIA, S.C. – After going AWOL for seven days, Gov. Mark Sanford admitted Wednesday that he had secretly flown to Argentina to visit a woman with whom he was having an affair.

"I'm so ashamed" he announced today at a press conference; "But i never had anyone suck my dick like lupe does."

Wiping away tears, he apologized to his wife and four sons and said he will resign as head of the Republican Governors Association.

"I've been unfaithful to my wife, but maybe if she kearned how to suck cock like Lupe this wouldn't have happened."

He said in a bombshell news conference in which the 49-year-old governor ruminated aloud with remarkable frankness on God's law, moral absolutes and following one's heart. He said he spent the last five days "getting sucked off in Argentina."

Sanford, who in recent months had been mentioned as a possible presidential candidate in 2012, said when questioned about whether he would step down as governor.

"I don't care what God or anyone thinks -0r about my stupid job - i can only think about getting more blow jobs from Lupe."

Sanford concluded; "Lupe can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"

Well as Obama always says; "Nothing more viscious or dangerous than a horny Republican politician"

And there's a lot of them!

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Blacks Switch To :Father Fucker" To Heed Obama

As a tribute to the President's appeal for more responsible 'fathering" among blacks -they have responded quickly.

The Reverend Louis Farrakhan announced at a huge black men's rally in Washinton DC this morning:

"It is time to drop the ubiquitous catch all term used in most of our sentences - "MOTHERFUCKER" - and in response to our great presidents call for better parenting amongst you - that - we now switch from:

"Motherfucker to Fatherfucker"

Obama responded; "It's a start!"

Happy Father's day -Fatherfucker

Friday, June 19, 2009

Fox Tv Announces -" Death Swap"

"This will be the highest rated show in the history of Reality TV -Bigger than Idol" - Exclaimed Morton Schlocker, president of Fox TV.

He elaborated; "Deserving prisoners about to be executed will be replaced -in a supreme act of Christian charity - by folks who have terminal illnesses - and who volunteer to take their place"

Martha Pipick -an eighty seven year old woman with terminal brain cancer said; " Merl Crumby is set to be electrocuted in Smallville Texas on July fifth - but i will happily go to the chair in his place."

She continued; " He has been on death row for fifteen years - and he has become a God fearing man - and now that the Supreme Court has ruled out his getting a review of the evidence in his case using new DNA science - I will end MY misery and save HIS life -hallelujah!"

"Mr. Crumby has a wife and twelve children - he has found the Lord and is a changed person - and since the state of Texas is so bent on revenge - they can fry me!"

Fox TV said today "We have already received hundreds of offers to participate in "Death Swap" - and we will be giving the families of each person who is executed fifty thousand dollars and pay all their medical bills."

Elise Mandelbaum - digibandit prison reporter - asked Fox TV prexy Schlocker; "Aren't you exploiting poor suffering souls who will die a horrible death - and letting extreme criminals go scott free?"

He responded; " Huh?"

Monday, June 15, 2009

Sarah Palin Wants To Suck "Letterman's Popsicle"

Sarah Palin confided to her Inuit (Eskimo) house keeper that "He's (letterman) a real cutie -and i wouldn't mind sucking his popsickle" - said Linda Snofart who recently quit working for Palin because 'Tod kept grabbing my ass!"

Snofart told us: "She's a cheap ignorant phony cunt - all us Eskimos said we would move back onto the ice if she had been elected Vice President - And if it weren't for her good looks and for fucking half of Alaska - she couldn't get a job shoveling Reindeer shit!"

Snofart continued; " I mean just listen to Obama and the folks around him - and then just listen to that stupid cunt - and - i mean - am i crazy or somethin?"

"I mean- the whole fucking Palin clan is outa their fruit fucking minds! - I mean you gotta be kidding - But -- the good thing is - When them Republicans come out rootin for an asshole like Sarah Palin - folks see them for what they are"

"Redneck angry - ignorant - minority and injun hating - motha fuckers!"

Whoa - you go Snowfart!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Pope Benedick Announces "Erection Testing" For Priests

It's finally getting through to the Vatican that an extremely high percentage of Priests look at Altar Boys like i look at Cameron Diaz.

And - that they have raped tens of thousands of young defenseless boys and children - who are emotinally scarred for life - is now well documented.

Personally - i think all priests should be castrated when taking their final vows - but at least the "Erection Test" is a start.

"From nowa on - starting with all men entering the seminery - they will be lined uppa -and a younga beautiful young man - wearing slinky underwear - will be paraded in front of them - and if any of them getsa an erection -- he issa eliminated immediately." said the Pope.

He continued;"I gotta this idea from Mel Brooks' movie "Itsa Madda Madda World" - where they testa to see iffa Gregory Hines issa really a eunich by having some hotta pussy dance around him with her titsa hanging outa -and boy does he get a huge erection -- hmmmm - oboya!"

"Anda i'm a thinkina that - hey - any future Altar boy butt humping Priesta - is sure fire to get an erection iffa we reverse engineer that Mel Brooksa tricka."

"So being a clever Popa - i put in the "Erection Testa" -And -soona we gonna also give all existing Priests the same testa - and ifa they fail - and becausa they are already in the order - we giva them the optiona to have their nutsa cut offa! (or leava)"

Melissa mandelbaum the digibandit Vatican reporter asked the Popa (sorry the Pope) "Your eminence - are you going to also be erection tested?"

"No waya Melissa - but thatsa gooda question - but itsa kinda like asking Goda to be erectiona tested -don'ta you thinka?"

"Actually i think god would fail" answered Melissa.

Hmmmm - fooda for thoughta?

Friday, June 12, 2009

Mormons Make Great Vacuum Cleaner Salesmen

OAK BROOK, Ill. — Six days a week, in fair weather and foul, two-dozen door-to-door salesmen, all of whom live clustered together in an apartment complex in this suburb west of Chicago, pile into S.U.V.’s and cars and head into the big city, bent on sales of vacuum cleaners and home security systems.

And on Sunday, their one day off, they drive together to the nearest house of worship of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The salesmen are mostly former Mormon missionaries from Utah who cut their teeth — and learned their people-skill chops — cold-calling for their faith.

Joseph Tummerhays - A portly Mormon said; " Hell - after trying to sell the weird shit that we believe in - to folks who weren't indoctrinated from birth into it? - Well - Selling a security system to a guy whose house is being foreclosed -- is easy!"

He went on; "I would rather sell condoms to a crack head pimp than try and sell that stuff from our bible with Moroni and the gold plates and all that wacky shit - i mean - they been telling me to BELIEVE that stuff since i was born - and even i think they got some screws loose."

"But - i do love that i will be able to have several wives - i mean - marriage usually stinks - but we get a real break in that area."

"How about a nice Eureka? - it's got a biblical sound to it."

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Giselle Bundchen Tells Of Sex With Newt Gingrich

"I always thought he was so smart and so cute" said Giselle "He looks like porky pig -and when i was a kid on the farm in Germany we had a lot of pigs - and i remember my father would drink too much shnaptze and beer and he was always trying to fuck them."

"My momma would yell!" - Heinrich! - Stop trying to fuck the pigs! -it's not a good lesson for the kinder!"

Giselle continued;" But i always had a fondness for guys that looked like pigs after those childhood experiences - and this newt Gingrich! -Oh mine gott -he's a REAL pig!"

"Anyway i met him at a dinner reunion for Third Reich alumni and we went to his hotel suite -And when i took my top off - he blew his cookies (as you say in America?) - And then i tried to get his little piggy wiggly going again - but no success"

"He was very drunk and he was crying - "Oh my fuhrer why can't you be with us now - we need you so much - the schvartzeh is screwing it all up"

Giselle concluded; "I think the poor porker is very upset about all the things President Obama is achieving and how much everyone loves and admires him"

"And me too! -But i wouldn't fuck him because he's too handsome - but definitely i would fuck Hillary!"

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Nagging Israeli Wives Push Settlement Expansion

"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"



" Becky! But Becky! -you cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"



"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."



" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"



"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"



"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"



"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:



" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"



'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"



So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.

Friday, June 05, 2009

One- Eyed Video Cam Hooker Has Video Of David Carradine

Well she has surfaced again (see older posts) -And - with her Prosthetic Eyecam has produced another amazing candid expose of a celebrity client.



"I never planned on releasing the video of my strange sexual encounter with David Carradine's -( strange - even for me) - but now i hope it sheds some light on this terrible tragedy" - She said.


"David Carradine requested that i tie a rope around his neck and loop the other end around his balls and then he stood on top of a ladder (which he brought with him) - and then looped the rope up to a special climbing piton he screwed into the cieling."



"He asked me to suck his cock -and that right before he came he would jump off the ladder -squeezing his nuts and choking him - and that as soon as he came i was to swing him back on the ladder"

"As you can see in the video he really blew his nuts in a spectacular demonstration of what he called "Kung Fu Kum"


"He said it was a method used by ancient Chinese mystics - and that the Buddah and Lao Tzu both believed it was a way of reaching total Enlightenment"


"Well -he sure enlightened me! -he almost blew my head off !"


"Anyway" - She concluded "I think what happened is that he tried to replicate an Enlightened Kung Fu Kum (orgasm) without a hooker assistant -And - he probably was jerking off and just accidentally hung himself."



"What a way to go!"

"And please don't try this at home - unless you're a Rush Limbaugh fan,"

The Speech Obama SHOULD Have Made To Muslims

"I'd like to make a few key points today -my Muslim friends."

First - For over sixty years now - the Palestinians have achieved zero progress as a society. -Their beloved leader -Yasir Arafat - stole all their money and sponsored viscious ongoing terrorist attacks against innocent civilians - he was uglier than a turnip and smelled like old cat litter -and had an IQ of eighty five -and this was the Palestinians face in the world congress?

They created no viable government or political institutions of any kind - (they are still divided and killing each other) - and their approach to economic growth was to sit in their homes and tents and kvetch and steal each other blind. (the Yids arrived and cleared the stinking swamps and created a thriving modern democratric society within twenty years -and helped the Brits fight the Turks - you folks and Hitler at the same time)

Oh = and all that foreign aid we gave them was needed to stop the entire fucking Arab world fron trying to wipe them out with four illegal wars.

Second - you(Islam) has not achieved shit since your Golden Era which ended around one thousand years ago -- to the world's great relief - as they would no longer be put to death or converted to Islam by the sword -by rampaging Muslim armies - led by the same kind of nut cases that are slaughtering innocent folks today.

Third - A lot of you fucking morons think that Egypt and Saudi Aabia are ruled by viscious tyrants. Well - at least they have toilet paper and running water and electricity - and if they were nice guys - the fascist fanatical Mullahs in their societies would turn their poor ignorant masses into Koranic Killing Machines - which those Mullahs are very good at - As a matter of fact - it's ALL they're fucking good at.

Fourth - We, in the west, saved the skins of millions of Muslims in the Balkans and in Kuwait - and freed the Shiites in Iraq - and tried to convince the Russians to stop slaughtering all your brethren in Chechnya -and gave billions in aid to your brothers and sisters in Indonesia and you all haven't said shit about any of that -it's all about the Jews and fucking envy and false pride.

Fifth - All of your Political and Religious leaders (an oxymoron) are as tight lipped as the Pope when it comes to decrying senseless slaughter! Slaughter that is perpetrated against YOU --AND YOUR OWN PEOPLE by these fucking fanatics in the name of Islam and the Koran. -Your leaders have what we say in Chicago -"No Grapes" (balls)

Sixth - You hate one another! - Shiites and Sunnis have been slaughtering one another for fouteen hundred years over some bullshit about who should have taken over from Mohammad. -And can you possibly imagine what kind of ignorant fucking assholes he thinks you are for slaughtering each other - over such trivial bullshit. - Hell -- even the Catholics and Protestants are mostly over that horseshit - and they are pretty fucking ignorant people too.

Seventh - Listen Up about Iran - because it;s really quite simple! =We are never going to allow folks who think that when you kill an Infidel - and when you blow yourself up in the process - that you will awaken in a pool full of Virgins who will be sucking on your cock - AND you will live forever in this Paradise:

TO HAVE WMD -THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO CARRY SHARP INSTRUMENTS -LET ALONE HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.


Honestly - i would rather give Bo a nuclear pull toy!

"Look - i could go on and on - but iv'e probably said way too much -and been way too candid with you Muslims here today - but - i promised everyone that i would open up an honest dialogue with American's and our world neighbors"

"And -i hope i'm off to a good start with ya? -I know I feel a lot better having gotten a few things off my chest with you here in Egypt today."

"Shaloma Alaykum Y'All"