xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 01/01/2011 - 02/01/2011

Saturday, January 29, 2011

FL Line Coaches To Recruit Big Black Women

In 1970, only one N.F.L. player weighed as much as 300 pounds, according to a survey conducted by The Associated Press. That number has expanded like players’ waistlines from three 300-pounders in 1980 to 94 in 1990, 301 in 2000, 394 in 2009 and 532 as training camps began in 2010

And the demand for these agile giants by The NFL has far exceeded supply -- BUT:

Moishe Pipick defensive line coach for the NY Giants said at a press conference today:

"I was having lunch up in Harlem three weeks ago on a Sunday and was walking around near the Ebenezer Baptist Church when i saw a group of very large black women coming out of Church - AND i'm tellin you that some of these gals were up in the 300 pound range -and they were dancin around like ballet dancers -AND they were wearing high heels"

"So i handed out some cards and a bunch of them showed up at the stadium for a kinda scrimmage tryout and i'm telling you these women are tough and fast and competitive and have the testosterone of a lioness"

Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit sports reporter asked coach Pipick; "What about folks reaction to women participating in such a tough and brutal game? --AND what will their husbands say?"

Coach Pipick responded: "The fans will eat it up like crazy - AND as far as their husbands? --Your shitting me aren't ya Elise?"

He concluded: "I'm just wondering if i need seperate lockers for these gals/"

Thursday, January 27, 2011

unemployment Compensation is White Welfare

Wish i had a dollar for every time some conservative redneck said to me:

"You know digibandit - these (N word here)are robbin us blind with this welfare bullshit -bunch a lazy (N's) that just wont work -just don't give a crap about nuthin yadadadad"

Well you could talk on about how ninety percent of welfare went to aid for dependent children but all you'd get back from the conservative assholes was how personal responsibility had no place among these Welfare cheatin N's.

SO -now you have millions of whiteys collecting checks for up to TWO years -who maybe shoulda put a little away for a rainy day - AND:

You and i both know that Uncle Sammy is not making sure they are accountable for seeking employment in an aggressive way - holding them accountable for their White Welfare checks -making sure this is not just a handout with no strings attached.

AND -these are folks who did not mostly evolve through and from generations of
slavery and discrimination and cultural oppression of many magnitudes.

Just plain irresponsible WHITE welfare recipients who just spent everything they made -saved nothing - behaved liked irresponsible greedy children - tomorrow will never come -nothin will ever go wrong - woopedy doo - keep shoppin for crap - and now think they got it comin because someone else took advantage of them -- boo hoo - boo hoo.

I hope them so called lazy n's are laughing their black asses off at the ridiculous irony of the situation.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

NRA Wants American's To Own Artillery

This from the wimpy NY Times said NRA honcho Clem Snout:

"What is the matter with us? Are we really helpless in the face of the astounding toll that guns take on this society?

More than 30,000 people die from gunfire every year. Another 66,000 or so are wounded, which means that nearly 100,000 men, women and children are shot in the United States annually. Have we really become so impotent as a society, so pathetically fearful in the face of the extremists, that we can’t even take the most modest of steps to begin curbing this horror?

Where is the leadership? We know who’s on the side of the gun crazies. Where is the leadership on the side of sanity?

For starters, assault weapons should be banned. Their raison d’ĂȘtre is to kill the maximum number of people — people, not animals — in the shortest amount of time"

"Well that's just a bunch of liberal crapola" said Clem Snout the NRA president"

He continued, "The more firepower in the hands of white American's the better - and i mean even kinda weirdy WHITE Americans! -- If a few folks get nailed along the way well that's just like my Momma used to to say:

"Clem -if you wanna make an Omelete you gotta break a few eggs"

Mr. Snout continued" "Matter of fact we need WHITE America to wake the fuck up and start investing in REAL firepower because when the Jews and Africans and Mexy's and homo's start swarmin all over us it's gonna take some Howitzers to set em back on their asses"

"It's like Sarah always says -"Don't retreat --RELOAD!" said Stout "AND i don't see nothin in the Constitution says a white American caint own a Howitzer or even a flame thrower -or mount a set of quad fifties on his pickup truck"

"Next year the NRA will seek legislation to REQUIRE every White man (non Jews or Homos)) to carry a gun at all times except when he's humpin his old lady and then she has to have one handy and keep one eye peeled for trouble"

'Vigilance is the answer" concluded President Snout.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Palin Family To Tour US With 'Wild North" Carnival Show

Youv'e heard of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?

The show itself consisted of a series of "historical" scenes interspersed with feats of showmanship, sharp shooting, racing, or rodeo style events. Native Americans figured prominently in many of the scenes, often shown attacking whites in historical situations with Buffalo Bill or one of his colleagues riding in and saving the day.


Well - The Sarah Palin version of that cookoo event will be coming to a venue near you before you can say " Wow look at Sarah standing on Tod's shoulders going eighty miles per hour on his snowmobile - while she shoots a beer can off an Eskimo's head."(sponsored by Budweiser)

Oh -and while all this is goin on her kids will be working the crowd dressed as Cavalry soldiers handing out bibles and asking for money for Sarah's Presidential campaign.

Yep - in this Annie Oakely meets the Munsters style traveling carnival Sarah will -as she says "Bring back the days when men were men and women were women" or as she said "Before the Democrats turned into homo's and Jew and Injun lovers"

There will be a whale and wolfmeat barbeque and a tent revival prayer meeting and a shooting range.

Hey -the redneck Republicans will show up in droves with their guns and bibles and woop and holler in support of their great white hope for the 2012 election:

Republican now officially stands for "Goyims Only" said Tod as he oggled a teenage Eskimo girl.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Best Torture For Muslim Extremists - Nagging American Wives

MUSLIMS TREAT THEIR WOMEN LIKE KOREAN'S TREAT DOGS! - AS A RESULT THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW VISCIOUS A NAGGING WIFE CAN BE -ESPECIALLY A GOOD OLD FASHIONED AVERAGE "AMERICAN NAGGING WIFE"(I DON'T INCLUDE GIRLFRIEND NAGGING (JUST AS VISCIOUS) BECAUSE MUSLIMS DON'T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS - THAT WOULD IMPLY COURTSHIP AND OPTIONS FOR THE WOMEN)

So - you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been -I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.

You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less? Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;

"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andthat would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......

"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Vulgarity An Underutilized Diplomacy Weapon

Now if i were to say that Iran cannot be allowed Nuclear Weapons for the same reasons that you would not give a psychopathic escapee from The California Prison for the Criminally Insane -five gallons of a toxic biological agent -AND a map to the Los Angeles Aqueduct:

I would be accused of a misguided and inappropriate metaphor yadadadadya (even though everyone knows that is why those Maniacal - Death Worshiping Mullahs can never become Nuclear Weapon enriched)


BUT -If Secretary Clinton were to stand up in the United Nations General Assembly and state with conviction:

"Let's cut the crap! -I would rather have Ahmadinejad suck on my beaver -or bang Chelsea -Than for him to ever get control of a nuclear weapon -AND that goes for their whole fucking lunatic Islamofascist Regime"

And then if Obama reinforced that with:

"I'm with Hillary one-hundred percent and can honestly say that i would rather have The Ayatollah Komeini impregnate Michelle -Than for those Fascist Stone Age Mullahs to get within range of a Nuclear Missile -UNLESS it was incoming from Tel Aviv!"

OH! Oh! and let's not forget the irrepressible VP Joe Biden who might add:

"I can honestly add to those crystal clear comments that i would rather be gang raped in Delaware State Penitentiary -and have my wife be sodomized by A fucking savage Iranian Revolutionary Guard Member -than to allow Iran to obtain Nuclear Weapons"

Let me Tell ya -- The debate would end right there and we would be the heroes of the whole fucking world that is worth giving a flying fuck about - for calling it straight for ONCE!

Ah - darnit -blew my New Year's resolution about cussing -maybe next year?

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Remember When Jane Fonda said Cunt on TV?

Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?
Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.

I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."

She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"

Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."

But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"

"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"

I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."

"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"

Kid's today!

"Blackberry Brain Disease" Afflicting Millions

The Universal Cultural Research Institute in Berne, Switzerland announced the results of a five year study of over ten thousand seemingly successful and normal - high usage Blackberry owners.

"The results were startling and extremely alarming" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick -Head of neuroscientific data analysis for the institute.

He stated; "I won't bore you with the elaborate stem cortex graph analysis data -or the comprehensive back-up documentation regarding behavioral pathology and emotional deconstruction - along with the acute alteration of logic and emotional circuitry in the cerebral cortex -caused by this device in the hands of high user Alpha males."


Dr. Pipick continued; "But i will say that what we call "Assumptive Logic Pathology" -Which is a mental disorder common to 87% of those in our study - where they are making judgements based on a minimal percentage of the data they are receiving (that info contained in the first paragraph of the Blackberry communiques) -

"BUT - their brains -which have evolved a logical paradigm for more detailed and semi-comprehensive information analysis over millions of years -is being frustrated and -how shall i say it in non technical terms? --In German, Freud called it --Ungershtupped mitten horst manureschweigen infoschlacken"

He concluded; "In other words -stuffed and confused - or overloaded with horsehit information!"

"Can you give us an example of "Assumptive Logical Pathology " Dr. Pipick?" - Asked digibandit Science Reporter -Elise Mandelbaum.

"YES! -here's a typical one - A Television program developer received an urgent email from his aged Mother's heart specialist in which the first words on the Blackberry were "Have idea which you will find important and crucial"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The busy emotionally overloaded program executive quickly sent back a message after getting what he thought was the info gist of the communique "Sorry Doc -too busy to deal with elevator concepts (quicky creative concepts) from you"

"WELL -What the program executive failed to read was the part of the message which said; " Your Mom in coma! -Severe heart attack ! -Need immediate approvalfor radical new stent implantation!"

Dr Pipick concluded; "AND this will Kill ya Elise! -The Dr's next email back to the TV Development big shot said -- in the first three words of a message explaining the DEATH of our programmer's mother: "Mom is gone..... "

"AND the guy sends the Dr. back a quicky Blackberry shot -"Hey Doc! -There are three shows on the air right now about Mothers yaddadada -please give me a break here -- OH! -And how's my mother doing?"