xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 12/01/2008 - 01/01/2009

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Israel Should carpet Bomb Gaza Into Dust

We carpet bombed the living shit out of Germany and Fire Bombed Japan thousands of miles from our homeland and then nuked them to end their aggression -OH:

And tens of thousands of Israelis have to hide in shelters because their Piss Ant next door neighbor doesn't think they should exist - decrees their ultimate destruction - and has enhanced their terrorist state military capabilities five fold over the course of their latest cease fire.

These death worshiping cretans had the opportunity to turn Gaza into a model of what a palestine state could become - instead they got a blank check from Iran and Syria to turn the land - Which Israel totally exited from - into an armed terrorist camp - and started a daily barrage of indiscriminate rocket attacks. (Civilians? - Who cares!)

Israel should give them an adequate warning to evacuate - and then bomb them back into the stone age!

My neighbor said to me yesterday in his rabid "liberalspeak" "But oh the response is so disproprtional"

WHAT - We killed over fifteen million GERMANS AND TWO MILLION JAPS - IN WORLD WAR TWO - AND WE LOST THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND - MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED FIGHTING and killing AT THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND AMERICAN DEAD and gone home?

Oh - and Irael is fighting for it's life in the world's worst neighborhood with the same fucks that hate us and want us dead - RIGHT NEXT DOOR to nihilistic terrorists that are growing stronger every day - with an Israeli Arab population that is breeding like rats and getting nastier and more hostile to the very State that offers them a protected democratic citizenship (can you imagine what would happen to Jews cheering for Israel in Iran)

The Iranians -whose leaders are nuts and Syria -and their Hezbollah and Hamas proxies are drooling over the prospects of a weakened Israel:

And your talking disproportional? - read a fucking history book -will ya?

Bomb them off the fucking map!

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Bush Was A GREAT FIRST MAN - And That Counts

Laura Bush has got to be the happiest first lady in american history!

I mean - Just look at her lovely glowing face - her calm but vivacious demeanor - her natural easy going and mature sense of self - her obvious intelligence and wit;

Calm Clarity and Comfort ooze from her pores - she makes ya feel good just being in her prescence:

I mean- this is one relaxed and confident and competent wife and mother - and has been a dignified and classy first lady under extremely difficult conditions.

This is a woman whose whole existence says; "I have the kind of regular and consistently blissful orgasms that any woman could dream of - and that very few woman attain;"

A sexy bawdy lady who thinks to herself:

"I get fucked silly by the coolest stud to ever come (pun oops) out of the Lonestar State - and he is FIRST MAN in my bed anytime he get's his throbbing member agitated - which is almost all the time!"

So - whatever pronouncements history will make on the Bush presidency

Never Forget -- George new how to make a real lady - very happy!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Churches - Short On American Homo's - Recruit Foreign Priests

“We experience the priest shortage, and rather than ask the question, ‘Why do we have a priest shortage?’ we just import some and act like we don’t have a priest shortage,” Father Holly said. “Until we face the issue of mandatory celibacy and the ordination of women, we can’t deal with the lack of response to the invitation to priesthood.” NY Times 12-28-08

So the lunatics in Club Vatican - faced with a dwindling supply of native Anglo souls to torture - as more and more Americans find the Church Doctrine about as relevent as Witch burning - and with :

A drop in homo priest applicants - who make up between thirty and forty percent of the whole priesthood historically - and who are temporarily undergoing more serious pedophile screening :

Needs a whole new crop of snake charmers fast - especially because the growing number of Hispanics and Latinos who are still very much into superstition and miracles and all that pagan bullshit - need some Priestly attention - like fast!

The answer! - let's bring in priests from around the world! - I mean - if you are a priest in the Congo with one foot and an arm already cut off by some eleven year old crack head - and where Altar Boy Buns are in short supply - America must look like one big "golden asshole" of an opportunity.

"D a go ne yari n d donga tuchas " - which means in Angolan "You mean the altar boys don't carry clubs and knives in America to protect their buttholes?"

Only one problem my sweet brothers of the black cloth - When you stick your foot long yam into young Carlos Rivera from Juahaca - His father will cut it in half with a machette! - And then castrate the Monsignor AND the Bishop.

You will soon find out that unlike the Anglos who are too generally fucked up to know what's going on with their kids - the Hispanics and Latinos are still very old fashioned about letting some Homo priest date rape their kids while saying a hail mary.

Oh - and i hope Al Quaeda doesn't pick up on this new opportunity to get to America? -Are you watching Mike? (Chertoff) -because you look a little lite in the wrist yourself.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Fox Tv Announces - " Wanted - Georgeous Men To Marry Rich and Ugly Women"

"Attractive men will compete to marry VERY ugly - and Super Rich women.

They will attempt to prove to these wealthy "dogs" that it's NOT about their money - but that "Personality Counts!"

Jud Schlock - President of Fox Entertainment announced today:

"Yep - we have always wanted to do a relationship based reality program that is not all about tits and ass - beauty - sexuality and carnal desire"

He continued; 'Won't it be nice to see some real dogs wind up with a good looking fella - who loves them just for their inner beauty ."

He said; "The only reason we included the RICH dimension is because - let's face it - it's hard enough to marry a dog - even if she is a really wonderful person - I mean most guys wouldn't hook up with an ugly bow wow no matter how much dough was involved - so we just wanted to be realistic."

Shlock concluded; "And wer'e looking for a real top female doggie to host the show - I mean we want a star whos'e face would stop a clock!"

Any ideas?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

XMas Used To Be Fun - Before The Christians Fucked It Up

No one knows what day Jesus Christ was born on. From the biblical description, most historians believe that his birth probably occurred in September, approximately six months after Passover.

One thing they agree on is that it is very unlikely that Jesus was born in December, since the bible records shepherds tending their sheep in the fields on that night. This is quite unlikely to have happened during a cold Judean winter. So why do we celebrate Christ’s birthday as Christmas, on December the 25th?

The answer lies in the pagan origins of Christmas. In ancient Babylon, the feast of the Son of Isis (Goddess of Nature) was celebrated on December 25. Raucous partying, gluttonous eating and drinking, and gift-giving were traditions of this feast.

In Rome, the Winter Solstice was celebrated many years before the birth of Christ. The Romans called their winter holiday Saturnalia, honoring Saturn, the God of Agriculture. In January, they observed the Kalends of January, which represented the triumph of life over death. This whole season was called Dies Natalis Invicti Solis, the Birthday of the Unconquered Sun. The festival season was marked by much merrymaking. It is in ancient Rome that the tradition of the Mummers was born. The Mummers were groups of costumed singers and dancers who traveled from house to house entertaining their neighbors. From this, the Christmas tradition of caroling was born.

In northern Europe, many other traditions that we now consider part of Christian worship were begun long before the participants had ever heard of Christ. The pagans of northern Europe celebrated the their own winter solstice, known as Yule. Yule was symbolic of the pagan Sun God, Mithras, being born, and was observed on the shortest day of the year. As the Sun God grew and matured, the days became longer and warmer. It was customary to light a candle to encourage Mithras, and the sun, to reappear next year.

Huge Yule logs were burned in honor of the sun. The word Yule itself means “wheel,” the wheel being a pagan symbol for the sun. Mistletoe was considered a sacred plant, and the custom of kissing under the mistletoe began as a fertility ritual. Hollyberries were thought to be a food of the gods.

The tree is the one symbol that unites almost all the northern European winter solstices. Live evergreen trees were often brought into homes during the harsh winters as a reminder to inhabitants that soon their crops would grow again. Evergreen boughs were sometimes carried as totems of good luck and were often present at weddings, representing fertility. The Druids used the tree as a religious symbol, holding their sacred ceremonies while surrounding and worshipping huge trees.

In 350, Pope Julius I declared that Christ’s birth would be celebrated on December 25. There is little doubt that he was trying to make it as painless as possible for pagan Romans (who remained a majority at that time) to convert to Christianity. The new religion went down a bit easier, knowing that their feasts would not be taken away from them.

Christmas (Christ-Mass) as we know it today, most historians agree, began in Germany, though Catholics and Lutherans still disagree about which church celebrated it first. The earliest record of an evergreen being decorated in a Christian celebration was in 1521 in the Alsace region of Germany. A prominent Lutheran minister of the day cried blasphemy:

“Better that they should look to the true tree of life, Christ.”
The controversy continues even today in some fundamentalist sects.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Hey - How About A Moron Redneck In The Cabinet?

It's certainly laudible that in trying to balance various constituencies and backgrounds, Obama has assembled a 15-member cabinet that includes six current or former members of Congress, three current or former governors and two Republicans, including Mr. LaHood.

And under pressure to increase ethnic and gender diversity, Mr. Obama picked three women and three Hispanics for his cabinet, with Ms. Solis counting in both categories. He named two Asian-Americans and one African-American. (Other officials will also be given a cabinet rank.)

But - How about some "Redneck Morons?"

I mean- without some Bible thumping - gun toting animal killers around the White House -AND some Anti Science Creationist, Homo hating -Pro life bigots and Rascists -How the fuck will Obama know what's goin on in half the country?

I mean - he's definitely top heavy in the IQ department - these folks may be bright and balanced thinkers - they may be intellectually curious with balanced egos and quality life experiences and solid educations - and records of accomplished problem solving - BUT:

Who will represent the moron rednecks? - I mean - just think about all those folks who still think Sarah Palin represents the future of the Republican Party - Don't forget that after eight years of the "Bush Doctrine' - and in the midst of an economic collapse - and two fucked up Wars ...............

Forty Seven percent of Americans still voted for the GOP!

I mean - like someone once said "Keep your friends close - but your enemies closer."

Hey - here's an idea! - How about appointing that lunatic Polak - about to be impeached Governor of Illinois - Rogoyavitch (or something like that - i know it's got Goy in it -like all Jew hating Polaks) - to a new cabinet position?

Department of Redneck Morons - yep - he's the man for the job!

Every single day he would be the perfect reminder of what a huge percentage of our neighbors are feeling and thinking about what's going on.

You never know when they might start putting on the sheets and getting out the torches - it's getting rough out there!

"Keep your enemies close!" - Obama

"Jewish Men In Hell" as Their Wives React To Madoff Ruin

Can you imagine the shit that all those poor wealthy Jewish husbands are getting from their wives?

"Oh my darling Esther"says Moishe Pipick - president of Pipick and Sons Investments LLC - in West Palm beach ,Florida - with assets of 200 million two weeks ago - and now totally busted!

Moishe continues; "Oh my dear - we seem to have run in to a bit of a problem down at the office."

"Hurry up Moishe" says Esther - "I'm late for my beauty spa appointment and then i have to take the Rolls in for service - and -oh don't forget to take Rachel to her riding lesson at 3 o'clock and - oh - and send Amos to pick up Sol at the tennis academy at five and then drop by the Palm Beach deli and pick up some Pastrami and Corned Beef."

"Well - actually dear" says Moishe -trembling "I have some rather bad news."

"What - What - Moishe !" says Esther - "Your'e always SO emotional - what molehill have you made into a mountain now - Moishela?"

"Wer'e fucking broke Esther! -that's what! - It turn out Bernie Madoff is a crook!"

"We can't afford any of this - if we get 25 cents on the dollar for the house you will still have to go back to work as a dental assistant to keep Sol in Brandeis - and that's assuming your father will take me back in the plumbing business - and we all move upstairs with my mother in Century Village."

Now just imagine slightly different versions of that scene - in ex wealthy - now impoverished - Jewish households all around the country - AND just imagine the volume and degree of Jewish wife anger - betrayal -cruelty and guilt venom - Being directed at all those Jewish husnand victims of Bernie Madoff - and - well:

You have the potential for the highest rated Reality TV Program since American Idol:

" Jewish Men in Hell!"

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Bernard Madoff Should Become "Money Czar" Of USA

Ok -here's my next big idea for saving our Economy!

Establish a new cabinet position "Money Czar" - with the head of the Federal Reserve -The Secretary of Treasury and the SEC - reporting directly to him.

I say HIM because the only person qualified for this position - is Bernard Madoff!

Why - because when all of our greatest financial analysts are running around trying to figure out what the fuck what wrong - and how all these twenty first century supersonic stealth bomb credit schemes and instruments of financial obfuscation and wizardy were enabled and executed by shrewd gen exers on acid with advanced MBA's ??????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????

This Jewish Genius - Bernie Madoff - was fucking THEM out of their life savings!

I mean - is this not the dude we want to stop this tsunamie of economic devastation that is wiping out civilization as we knew it?

I mean - give him a pardon and ten percent of everything he saves and recovers - and give him TOTAL authority to lock up anyone that gets in his way and put them in Guantanamo (after Obama frees the terrorists) and tortue them until we get all OUR money back!

Ok -that's a tad severe - but c'mon - if Bernie can fuck people like Morton Zuckerman out of millions - and leave Mort looking like he got sodomized - and without a clue about how it happened?

This is the one guy who knows how they fucked us! - He knows ALL there tricks - and he LOVES to fuck his rich friends! -Do you realize what a sweet catch this guy is? - How unusual he is? I mean c'mon - do you think ole Ben Bernake and Paulson are ever gonna REALLY upset their network of rich and powerful buddies? -Their future benefactors?

Don't you believe it! - But this guy Madoff would fuck his mother out of her last nickel just for the pure fun of it . He's a viscious financial genius - he's the Hannibal Lechter of the financial world! - And he's real hungry!

I'm telling you that Bernie Madoff was sent down from heaven to put our economy back together - so send Obama an email today!

"Yo Obama - make Bernie Madoff our "Money Czar " - and remember:

When it comes to what and how and WHO
If there's money at stake - Find a Jew!

Monday, December 15, 2008

USA Should Sell Advertising On Warships

Here's a sure fire way for the government to raise a ton of moola!

In this age of globalized marketing -- international companies are dying to find ways to get their products and services advertised and promoted with credibility - around the world.

Well - when the USS Enterprise steams into Shanghai harbor (for example) - and this great and powerful symbol of American power and influence:

Has - "Have a Budweiser -The King of Beers" (just as an example) - Emblazoned across the ship's hull with the Bud logo all across the bow and stern and gun emplacements (and even on it's planes and flight deck:

Hell - do you know what's that worth in terms of ad dollars? - A fucking ton!

Now - multiply that by all the ships in all our fleets - in all those foreign ports - and your'e talking:

The end of our foreign trade deficit - and even the balancing of the budget!

More bail out moola - more credit - more jobs -- and:

Happy times are here again - and this is only the beginning of my plan to save America with creative marketing.

Stay tuned !

Saturday, December 13, 2008

America Is In A Severe DEPRESSION

Oh - and this IS a DEPRESSION!

Hey - if todays average family had to live like an average family in 1929 -they would drink that killer cool aid which was so popular with that cult led by Jim -whats his name in -Guyana. (Jim Jones 1980 - boy that Google is amazing!)

I mean - it's not depressing to go broke if you were broke to begin with - but today's super consumers are in free fall fucking shock!

It's like one minute you are high and fucking a georgeous sexy tall blonde - and wham! - Suddenly you are in bed with that fat hobo grandmother from "The Grapes of Wrath" movie.

I mean = If John Steinbeck were alive today his book would be called - "Wer'e In Fucking Hell And Want Poisoned Cool Aid"

Maybe we should start migrating to Oklahama? - Talk about irony - The Oakies fled to California from Oklahoma during the Lesser Depression ( official new name) and now it is the most prosperous state in the country - along with North Dakota)

Hey - maybe God is trying to tell us something important (now that he's left the White House) - Maybe God IS a Redneck?

Anyway i don't know what the point is here (as usual)- but i just thought it was important to put things in an accurate historical perspective:

We ARE in a deep depression - And it IS deeply depressing!

Thursday, December 11, 2008

God Say's He Is Thrilled To Leave The White House

God announced at a press conference today:

"I am so thrilled to be going back to my real job - bringing hope and comfort to superstitious morons - and far away from politics."

He went on; "When Billy Graham asked me to help out his alcoholic buddy George W Bush i never thought the American people would buy into his bullshit and install him and a whole bunch of religious freakos and rednecks into an American Vatican government -headed by Pope Bush."

"I mean every fucking job applicant had to have a Bible in his hand - and now you can all see how ideology trumped competence - across the entire political spectrum."

"It was fucking pathetic - i mean i'm pretty powerful but even i couldn't deal with assholes like Cheney and Rumsfeld and that midget Attorney General Gonzales - and all those anti science creationist wack jobs - and -Oh jeesus Christ am i glad to be outa there!"

God continued: "This guy Obama is one sharp cookie - and America will quickly re-emerge as the world's spiritual and economic and political leader in no time at all."

"God went on:"I figure with me out of the White House the average IQ of America's leaders will increase by fifty two percent - and that's enough to get the job done right!."

" You see -- In your world It's all about creative problem solving. - But my job is to lead the faithfully blind - i'm kinda like a big Golden Retriever in the sky."

"But you don't want me crapping all over the White House - see what a mess it made!"

Monday, December 08, 2008

Please Please Obama - Give Us Some Cheap Booze - To Tide Us Over

— The anniversary of the repeal of prohibition should perhaps be celebrated not with cocktails, but, following the example of H.L. Mencken, with a glass of some alcohol-free fluid, preferably someplace where you’d rather be drinking something stronger — to remind you of how pleasant, indeed life-enhancing alcohol can be, and to sympathize with the people who used to be dry and those who still are.


For hooch has the power to inspire, to console, to make celebrations brighter, and hard times more bearable. In the words of the Roman poet Horace, drink “unlocks secrets, bids hopes be fulfilled, thrusts the coward onto the battle-field, takes the load from anxious hearts. The flowing bowl — whom has it not made eloquent? Whom has it not made free even amidst pinching poverty?”



So - in these hard times that have fallen upon us - i say to Obama - give us a fast fix! -Something to tide us over until your programs take effect.



How about an elimination of the exhorbitant booze taxes - so we can afford to buy cheap whiskey during these terrible times?



If your wife needs a masechtomy but there's no insurance - and your school has eliminated the special autism classes for your kids - and they have come for your house and car - and you are jobless and begging for change down in front of the local Walmart - and your wife and teenage daughter are turning tricks for food - and you had to eat your dogs - and worst of all there is no TV because they turned off the Cable - and your Mom died and there's no burial money so she's in the garage on ice - and your son is locked up for mugging an old lady in the park ........



Well -what the hell -twist the neck off a bottle of cheap whiskey and down four fingers of it with a beer chaser - and the world will look just fine and okey dokey - tomorrow's another day - just keep a hangin in there until Obama sets thing right again!

Let's drink our way through these awful times -the Russians did it for fifty years.





U.S Should Sell It's Prison Inmates To Foreign Countries

California’s prisons are at nearly double capacity, and a three-judge panel could order the state to release tens of thousands of prisoners

The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as recommended in my previous blogs - But - since we would have so many criminals left over ( who are unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them!:

Moishe Pipick, head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- Why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"We are talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer here - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing! - And outsourcing and getting paid for it --is a no brainer!

Friday, December 05, 2008

Oprah For Secretary of Education

Yep - how about THAT for a choice ! - If anyone can provide the force and direction to revitalize refurbish and modernize our children's learning processes - it is Oprah!

She's smart and tough and compassionate - she is beloved - she has a national constituency - and she should continue to do her show and use it as a platform to leverage her education plans and priorities.

And what a unique way for the entertainment medium to project it's cultural influence and power - for the common good.

Normally i would recommend someone like Hillary Duff or Sarah Palin for the education post - just to make a stupid satirical observation:

But this is just to important -and too great an idea - OPRAH -for Secretary of Education!

But -if she passes - it's Palin for sure.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Obama Declares "FAT TAX" on Obese American's

America's first skinny president announced at a White House press conference today:

"In these tough times we can't have forty percent of the population flushing vital resources down the toilet! "

"It's a waste of much needed food and energy and toilet paper!"

"We could eliminate 78 million acres of deforestation - which will help fight global warming!"

"Every time a fat person takes an unecessary dump - it adds to to our
carbon related problems - eating too much and shitting too much is NOT green - it's brown!"

He continued: "And - fat folks do more drugs and drink more alcohol - and commit more crimes - and raise fat kids - and overwhelm the health care system with all kinds of obesity related diseases, both physical and mental in nature."

"I am asking Congress to increase taxes - incrementally by weight - on ALL obese Americans with a Body Mass Index (BMI) over 130 !"

"We will then give the additional tax income to non-fat - middle class homeowners." who are in trouble with their mortgages."

Candy Crowley of CNN news (who would certainly get a huge tax increase under his plan) asked Obama if his wife Michelle would be exempt from the "Fat Tax?"

Obama said that his wife was not FAT - but that she only had a large black ass - and that since that was a natural aesthetic attribute it would qualify as an exemption - along with large - but perfectly proportional tits." - as long as their BMI stayed within ten percent of the overall BMI."

Obama laughed and told Candy;" Unfortunately i don't think you will qualify as an exception with THAT barn door you are carrying around behind ya - heh! heh!" - (The press corps really cracked up at that point.)

"Oh - and dont think Bill Gates and our new Secretary of State are going to get any special consideration - it's either pay your taxes - or curb your shitting!"

"What a cool bumper sticker - and ad campaign" - concluded Obama.

U.S Military Will Recruit Dwarfs For Next Generation Army

Lieutenant General Moishe Pipick - head of the Strategic Re-Organization Initiative at the Pentagon - annoiunced today:

"Dwarfs are harder to target:

Bombs tend to send them flying rather than dismembering them:

The enemy is reluctant and hesitates to kill them (so cute looking):

They are highly motivated to prove their manhood:

And -- They cost much less to feed and clothe:"

General Pipick said the Dwarf battalions will be called "The Runty Raiders" -and next up in our reorganization planning - if the Dwarfs perform as we expect they will:

"An all Pygmy regiment"