xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 02/01/2009 - 03/01/2009

Saturday, February 28, 2009

"Recession" or "Depression" or "Global Shithole?"

Their bullshit forecasts change weekly!

Mark Zandi, chief economist of Moody’s Economy.com, now places the odds of “a mild depression” at 25 percent, up from 15 percent three months ago. In that view, the unemployment rate would reach 10.5 percent by the end of 2011 — up from 7.6 percent at the end of January — average home prices would fall 20 percent on top of the 27 percent they have plunged already, and losses in the financial system would more than triple, to $3.7 trillion.
Allen Sinai, chief global economist at the research firm Decision Economics, sees a 20 percent chance of “a depressionlike possibility,” up from 15 percent a week ago.

But - Dr Moishe Pipick -head economist for the World Financial Forum - in Berne ,Switzerland annouinced today:

"We are in a "Global Shithole" - our research shows that eighty nine percent of the global population -and seventy two percent of the people living in the largest industrial nations (make that seventy three percent in the USA) - strongly feel - they are up to their shoulders in a "Shithole."

Dr. Pipick continued: "We at the Forum strongly recommend that economists stop playing pussy with the words - let's call a spade a spade (or a shovel ha ha) - wer'e in a "Global Shithole" - and right now i'd say wer'e up to our chests;

"The only question is - whether the "Shit" will cover our eyes and bury us completely?"

He concluded; "We can't effectively deal with all the financial shit unless we closely monitor the depth at which we are buried in it:

"So from now on all our forecasts and analysis and reporting about "The Global Shithole" - should begin with an "In -depth Report":

"For example - 'As of today at three pm we are projecting that by the end of March - We will be in " A Global Shithole" - Up to our necks.'

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

American's Who Get Bailout Aid Should Not Eat Ice Cream

Or drink soda or beer - or any booze - or eat any desert - or watch or rent movies - or use disposable diapers - or buy toys - and NO unecessary travel - and absolutely no unprotected sex - no caffeine - no premium cable -no unecessary recreation - you want excercise go for a walk>



Hey - We solvent American's who saved for a rainy day do not want to pay for your Obama freeebies!

At least the wall street folks and bankers who fucked us get some business return on their business partying -but you greedy losers are still spending your way deeper into this shithole - on crap and crapola you don't absolutely need - believing us suckers will bail you out.

Well wer'e pissed - and we ants don't want to pay for your grasshopper lifestyles anymore.

Oh - and no more lottery cards - and coffee - and drugs - and even premium toilet paper - and text messeging fees - or high speed cable (go to the library) -And no more video games and itunes and...



Hey - your'e on the fucking dole - you don't get any more goodies you can't afford (or need)!

Just like the bankers and insurance and car companies and all those bums that are on the dole - your right in the shithole next to them!

Get a big shovel and start digging - the rest of us are tired of bailing you out!


And no more haircuts and beauty parlor bullshit - get a scissors!

Oh -and buy some candles!





Have a giant yard sale - sell all your unecessary crap and spend your Obamadollars frugally - only on the necessities - and

Travis the Chimpanzee Was Horny and Was Murdered

Dr. Moishe Pipick -head of primate veterinary medicine at Cornell University's world renowned Ape Clinic said today:

"It's quite simple - Travis went Ape! - he was no different than a teenaged boy with his thumper ready to explode and being teased by some naughty cheerleader - EXCEPT:

"Chimps have four times the testosteronr level of a young man!"

Dr. Pipick was asked by Elise Mandelbaum - digibandit animal reporter;

"Well -Dr. Pipick - do you think that people should be allowed to own Cimpanzees? -Can it be done safely?"

Dr. Pipick replied: 'Yes! Definitely! -But -if the owner is a woman - she must be prepared to have sex with her Chimp."

"Oh - and by the way - Chimps make super sexual partners!"

He concluded; "In my professional opinion - Travis was murderd for no reason other than the ignorance of his owner -and the police."

Monday, February 23, 2009

Pro Baseball Should Allow " Fully Doped Players"On teams

AhA - another breakthrough/visionary solution to a thorny and contentious cultural issue of large magnitude! (from the digibandit)

Each major league baseball team would be allowed three players (an infielder - pitcher and outfielder) into the line-up - who are juiced up to the max on performance enhancing drugs .

I mean these guys will be like Drago in Rocky Four ( you know - the drugged up Russian fighter) - they will be as juiced up as modern medicine can juice them!

So - then - we will find out precisely how enhancing these drugs really are - and we will know exactly who is who for the sake of posteritry - And And And :

Baseball will become a lot more fun -with a whole new strategic dimension - and the kids will love it.

If it works - we can have a whole new division(s) of totally souped up - androidic players competing with semi and non androidic divisions - and:

Ultimately - a glorious total fusion between professional sports and human robots!

The ultimate video game - and you know it's gotta happen!

Iron Man beware! -Here comes Bond Man -and i don't mean James!




















Baseball will get a whole new strategic dimension and

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Homeless Get Screwed In Bailout Package

The homeless have tiny carbon imprints - they use minimal energy and are not generally obese.

They pay high taxes (seventy five percent of their income goes for highly taxed alcohol and cigarettes)

They don't get welfare or food stamps

They die young using minimal government funded health services

The homeless didn't purchase homes they couldn't afford

They don't have bad credit card debt - or default on car loans.

The homeless are being hit hard by the practices and habits of avaricious greedy financiers - and shopping mad consumers - and none of the economic collapse is their fault!

How about some bailout moola for these fine citizens?

And - fortunately - soon - there will be a lot more of these modern versions of the hunter gatherers.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Women Workers Have Ruined The Economy and The Culture

There was a time - not long ago:


When women ran the household and nurtured their children


When a man - with one job - supplied all the material needs of the family


When kids were watched over and played outside


When kids were not obese and drugged out


When parents were not obese and drugged out


When being in debt from buying unecessary crap was unecessary

When men felt like they had balls

when women felt like women

When kids felt like kids

When miserable men could afford to get divorced

Women should give their jobs to men - eventually ending the whole unemployment and reversing the cultural mess were in.

cc Lawrence Summers -head of Obama National Economic Council

Saturday, February 14, 2009

U.S Unemployed Hump Like Muslims and Africans

I always wondered why Arab and African countries had such huge birth rates.

I mean - terrible sanitary conditions - no air conditioning (in stifling heat and humidity) - tremendous rates of infection due to ignorance and lack of medical attention - no beds - no privacy :

Stinky and sweaty and weak from lack of nutrition - but these guys can't stop fucking the ugliest nastiest women on the planet?

Well now we have the answer! - Dr. Moishe Pipick, head of cultural anthropology at the United Nations Center For Reproductive Studies - announced today in Berne Switzerland:

"The historically low United States birth rate has soared during their economic collapse!"

He stated;"At their current rate of reproduction the United States is approaching third world levels -and this will seriously add to their societal challenges - specifically - increased carbon footprints and family trauma - along with child and spousal abuse - economic hardship and resource drainage."

Digibandit cultural analyst -Elise mandelbaum - asked Dr. Pipick, "To what do you attribute the high birth rate increases?"

He replied; "Just like in the Arab and African countries - a man with nothing better to do - will fuck a snake!"

I should have known it - just look around.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Ariel Sharon Had Erection All During Gaza Strike

Dr.Moishe Pipick the attending physician to former Israeli Prime Minister and highly decorated general - Ariel Sharon - made a startling announcement today from the revered warriors bedside , who has been in a coma for nine months now:


" I was checking on his vital signs two weeks ago - and just as the news of our blitz on Hamas came over the airwaves - He got a huge hard - on!"

"The Doctor continued; "He was smiling - and as each new wave of our attack was announced - his erection grew bigger and harder!"



"We had to pack his huge member in ice for fear that it might explode - and finally when the truce was announced - his penis returned to normal."



Dr. Pipick concluded; "He was israeli's greatest warrior - and even in his coma - he is fighting alonside our brave men and women."

"Oh and lately i have noticed his cock is stirring a bit - so Hamas better be careful!"

Can you imagine when the Israeli's finally take out the Iranian plutonium enrichment sites?

Sharon's putz will go nuclear!