xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 05/01/2011 - 06/01/2011

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

California Prisoners For Rent To Endangered Home Owners By California

Can't make your mortgage payment?

Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.

Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.

The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.

And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)

Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.

Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.

AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)

It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!

(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Blind Prostitutes are The Answer!

Look -let's be realistic - Alpha Males rolling in fame power and money need a lot of sex with young hot babes!

Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!

The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."

I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)

Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).

It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.

Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!

It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!

Friday, May 13, 2011

Study Shows Fox News Viewers Dysfunctional

A new study by the Institute For Audience Analysis shows that Fox News viewers do not have the brains or lifestyles that would enable them to understand the balanced news reporting in The other Sunday news programs:

Broadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54

The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.

In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)

Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.

He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Who Was The First Mother?

IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !

Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

Friday, May 06, 2011

"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP

DR.MOISHE PIPICK - PRESIDENT OF THE AARP (ALMOST ALIVE RETIRED PEOPLE) -WHICH COVERS 68% OF ALL SENIORS -ANNOUNCED TODAY:

“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about

Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:

"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!

Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"

Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Shoulda Buried Osama In A Pig Skin

The mostly peace loving Muslims around the world tell us that Osama's virulent brand of nihilistic Islam "slaughter the Infidels -they are evil and corrupt -and go to Paradise for your eternal rewards" is outside any interpretation of The Koran - SO Hence:

The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO

Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.

We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.

Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!

Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"

"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"

Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"