xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: May 12, 2012

Saturday, May 12, 2012

Who Was the First Mother?


IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !

Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

"World's Deadliest Snatch" from Fox -" WAY beyond those Crabs!"

  thesaurus for snatch:
pussy vagina cunt twat beaver box muff cooter gash cooch vag bearded clam poontang slit poon coochie hole sex quim bitch more


It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .

Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"

"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"

"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"

Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"

'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"

"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."

He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it "

"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"

Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"

But when Mike --when already?