So - An esteemed group of our Founding Fathers - have been up there in the great Eternal Cosmic Consciousness watching Sarah Palin's political exploits and now they are having their monthly dinner get together -and tonight's subject of conversation is Ms. Palin:
John Adams "This woman is a complete fucking moron! -am i right Ben?"
Benjamin Franklin "Fucking scariest shit imaginable -you know how much i love Democracy but this is what happens when you let ALL the ignorant assholes participate"
George Washington " I hate to mix in politics guys -as you know -but this woman hasn't got a fucking clue - she doesn't say anything but generalities -she's like a Populist Parrot - and ALL those great women leaders out there to compare her to -can't those rednecks see through her ignorant rantings and raving?"
Alexander Hamilton "Wow -that's a mouth full from you George - But hey guys -they let EVERYONE participate in the system now -and we know full well that roughly thirty percent of the population are fucking idiots -they just follow whoever makes them feel good about their preconceived notions -a babble rabble of monumental moronic proportions."
James Monroe "I'm with you guys on this one - she's done nothing - she gets her guidance from a Stone Age scripture - never says anything of any depth or perception -never demonstrates knowledge of the complicated issues of the day -has no depth or intellectual fiber or curiosity -she truly IS a fucking jerk!"
John Hancock "It's scary all right -but the timing is perfect for a schmuck like her with the unemployment and the deficit and that fucking Tea Party rabble -and a black president -and a Republican Party on life support culturally.
Thomas Jefferson " Look -it's simple -If John McCain didn't lend his gravitas to her she'd be home in Wasilla fucking Eskimos and shooting wolves -and the rednecks would never have discovered her -AND - You know McCain must have been screwing her - and she can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"
John Adams "Well Thomas we don't agree on much but i think you nailed it right on the head -we all knew when women got the vote that pussy would enter politics -and some jerks like Palin would create a stir -but so far most of the female leaders have been dogs who had to make it with their brains and knowledge and creative energy."
Thomas Jefferson 'So right John -but i have to say that Nancy Pelosi has brains and all that positive stuff - but boy would i like to play with her bodacious ta ta's"
George Washington "Jefferson -we all know you would fuck a snake!"
Jefferson "Ha ha ha George -BUT -i wouldn't fuck Sarah Palin even with those legs -She's gotta be a SMART snake!"
Washington " You are right Tommy -Michelle Bachman gives me a boner BUT talk about stupid!"
Those Founding Fathers sure were amazing!
Saturday, September 03, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"
Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod
It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Michelle's Migraines From lack of Sex says her Husband
Marcus Bachman was overheard telling a friend today "Michelle just needs to get laid and her migraines would disappear!"
His friend then asked him: "Doesn't Michelle like to have sex with you?" and he responded:
"We haven't ha sex for over two years now -and let me tell you the last thing the world needs is horny female Commander in Chief of the most powerful military on Earth walking around with a suitcase loaded with Nuke attack codes"
He went on; "She is so horny that she is about to implode!"
His friend asked; "Well why don't you two have sex/"
He answered; "She thinks it's dirty!"
The end of the world caused by a horny bitch?That's irony worth of The Bard
His friend then asked him: "Doesn't Michelle like to have sex with you?" and he responded:
"We haven't ha sex for over two years now -and let me tell you the last thing the world needs is horny female Commander in Chief of the most powerful military on Earth walking around with a suitcase loaded with Nuke attack codes"
He went on; "She is so horny that she is about to implode!"
His friend asked; "Well why don't you two have sex/"
He answered; "She thinks it's dirty!"
The end of the world caused by a horny bitch?That's irony worth of The Bard
Sunday, July 10, 2011
White Heterosexual Marriage is a Total Failure
While Rep. Michele Bachmann had been the first GOP hopeful to sign “The Marriage Vow,” which included in the introduction a section that lamented that “the Institution of Marriage in America is in great crisis.”
Eluding of course to the Godforsaken evolution of Gay Marriage she forgets that 50% of hetero whiteys get divorces - another 30% are fucking miserable - 80% of men who have a 40inch waist or under cheat on their partners and 100% of successfully married males have multiple affairs with younger and hotter women than their wives.
SO Michelle -as usual -you are talking out of your twat!
Eluding of course to the Godforsaken evolution of Gay Marriage she forgets that 50% of hetero whiteys get divorces - another 30% are fucking miserable - 80% of men who have a 40inch waist or under cheat on their partners and 100% of successfully married males have multiple affairs with younger and hotter women than their wives.
SO Michelle -as usual -you are talking out of your twat!
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Soon Gringos Will Be Migrating To Mexico
The President of mexico said today:
"Educational and employment opportunities have greatly expanded in Mexico. Per capita gross domestic product and family income have each jumped more than 45 percent since 2000, according to one prominent economist, Roberto Newell. Despite all the depictions of Mexico as “nearly a failed state,” he argued, “the conventional wisdom is wrong.”
He continued;'with the rising power of the morons and religious fanaticks in The Unidos Estadas -and with the huge screwing the rich robbers are giving to the middle class and the poor -and the spoiled and lazy American youth -The future is bleak for The Gringos!"
He concluded;'but we owe The Unidos Estados much -so you can come down here and start a new life where the rednecks do not run the show"
"Educational and employment opportunities have greatly expanded in Mexico. Per capita gross domestic product and family income have each jumped more than 45 percent since 2000, according to one prominent economist, Roberto Newell. Despite all the depictions of Mexico as “nearly a failed state,” he argued, “the conventional wisdom is wrong.”
He continued;'with the rising power of the morons and religious fanaticks in The Unidos Estadas -and with the huge screwing the rich robbers are giving to the middle class and the poor -and the spoiled and lazy American youth -The future is bleak for The Gringos!"
He concluded;'but we owe The Unidos Estados much -so you can come down here and start a new life where the rednecks do not run the show"
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"
Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
Celebrities Who Plan On Having Anal Sex July Fourth Weekend
Well the year sure went quickly didn't it and our group is back in action for their Fourth of July Blast off!.
In addition to the following lineup(oops) of celebrities engaging in some tuchas fireworks - there will be: - The Pope - Andrew Dice Clay - Barbara Bush - Ayatolah Komeini - Rush Limbaugh (with his sheep Oxy Cotton) - Clarence Thomas (with Antonin Scalia) - The Dalai Lama and Harvey Weinstein and Warren Buffet:
Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM
In addition to the following lineup(oops) of celebrities engaging in some tuchas fireworks - there will be: - The Pope - Andrew Dice Clay - Barbara Bush - Ayatolah Komeini - Rush Limbaugh (with his sheep Oxy Cotton) - Clarence Thomas (with Antonin Scalia) - The Dalai Lama and Harvey Weinstein and Warren Buffet:
Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Japanese Recruit Sumo's from Obese US Tenagers
Sugi Matsuguggi head of The japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation announced today in Tokyo::
"We are on a push to invigorate Sumo Wrestling and unfortunately we do not have enough raw material in Japan for our expansion and modernization strategy - we need a big supply of obese young men (and women) to work with and turn into exciting Sumo stars for the next generation."
He continued: "America has the highest number of morbidly obese young men and women on Earth and we are going to tap into that deep well of blubbery talent"
digibandit Hollywood reporter elise mandelbaum asked him: 'isn't it dangerous to put obese young men and women into an intense physical training regimen."
"Very dangerous!" answered Suggi "Many will drop dead BUT what kind of life do these young men and women have to look forward to now?"
He concluded: "Better to die quickly and have a chance at money power fame and hot pussy -than to die in despair with a Big Mac in your lap."
"We are on a push to invigorate Sumo Wrestling and unfortunately we do not have enough raw material in Japan for our expansion and modernization strategy - we need a big supply of obese young men (and women) to work with and turn into exciting Sumo stars for the next generation."
He continued: "America has the highest number of morbidly obese young men and women on Earth and we are going to tap into that deep well of blubbery talent"
digibandit Hollywood reporter elise mandelbaum asked him: 'isn't it dangerous to put obese young men and women into an intense physical training regimen."
"Very dangerous!" answered Suggi "Many will drop dead BUT what kind of life do these young men and women have to look forward to now?"
He concluded: "Better to die quickly and have a chance at money power fame and hot pussy -than to die in despair with a Big Mac in your lap."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Fox Announces -The Search for Osama's Skeleton
"We are gonna scour the Ocean with the same team of expert underwater Treasure Hunters that discovered the Titanic and bring up Osama's Skeleton and sell it in what will be the world's greatest auction event -- AND the revenue will go to the 911 victim's families" --said Myron Schlockmeister Prexy of Fox TV in a startling press conference in hollywood today.
"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"
Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"
Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"
"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."
"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"
"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"
Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"
Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"
"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."
"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"
Sunday, June 19, 2011
First Father's Day Began With A Blow Stick
Historians have recorded that there was a tradition to celebrate Father's Day even thousands of years ago. Their study say that 4,000 years ago in Babylon a son called Elmesu carved a father's day message on a clay card. In his message Elmesu wished his father a long and healthy life. There is no knowledge as to what happened to this father son duo but it is believed that several countries retained the custom of celebrating Father's Day.
Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.
About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:
"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"
See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.
Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:
A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.
See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.
WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"
And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"
And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"
Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.
So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.
So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.
AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.
But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.
Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.
About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:
"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"
See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.
Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:
A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.
See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.
WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"
And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"
And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"
Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.
So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.
So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.
AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.
But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Fox Announces"Huma and Anthony"
Yes -the Weiner's are coming to Prime Time as Fox reality TV President Myron Schlocker announced from The Beverly Hills Hotel today:
"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"
He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"
Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"
He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.
"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"
He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"
Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"
He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Anthony WEiner and Wife Should Read this Old Digibandit Blog
Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors
Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:
" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -
"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."
"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"
Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:
" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -
"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."
"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"
Monday, June 06, 2011
Google Announces Fantasy Masturbation App
Dr.Moishe Pipick -the mastermind of Google Apps and head of development for the recently established Google Division 'Google Sexual Stimulation Apps Worldwide' announced today at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland:
"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"
"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"
Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!
"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"
"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"
Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Momma Grizzly claims - America getting Stronger through DECONSTRUCTION
"Economists who have studied the impact of floods, tornadoes and hurricanes have found that after the initial anguish and huge economic disruptions, periods of increased economic activity frequently follow as insurance money and disaster relief flow in to jump-start rebuilding." said Sarah Palin today on a break from a meeting with Fox TV regarding their upcoming new Reality Series 'Mormon's Gone Wild" which she and Todd will co executive produce for them.
"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."
Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"
She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND
With the National rallying cry of:
"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"
Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?
"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."
Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"
She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND
With the National rallying cry of:
"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"
Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
California Prisoners For Rent To Endangered Home Owners By California
Can't make your mortgage payment?
Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.
Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.
The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.
And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)
Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.
Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.
AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)
It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!
(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)
Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.
Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.
The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.
And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)
Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.
Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.
AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)
It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!
(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Blind Prostitutes are The Answer!
Look -let's be realistic - Alpha Males rolling in fame power and money need a lot of sex with young hot babes!
Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!
The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."
I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)
Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).
It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.
Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!
It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!
Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!
The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."
I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)
Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).
It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.
Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!
It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Study Shows Fox News Viewers Dysfunctional
A new study by the Institute For Audience Analysis shows that Fox News viewers do not have the brains or lifestyles that would enable them to understand the balanced news reporting in The other Sunday news programs:
Broadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54
The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.
In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)
Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.
He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"
Broadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54
The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.
In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)
Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.
He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Who Was The First Mother?
IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !
Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !
Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, May 06, 2011
"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP
DR.MOISHE PIPICK - PRESIDENT OF THE AARP (ALMOST ALIVE RETIRED PEOPLE) -WHICH COVERS 68% OF ALL SENIORS -ANNOUNCED TODAY:
“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about
Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:
"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!
Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"
Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."
“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about
Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:
"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!
Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"
Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Shoulda Buried Osama In A Pig Skin
The mostly peace loving Muslims around the world tell us that Osama's virulent brand of nihilistic Islam "slaughter the Infidels -they are evil and corrupt -and go to Paradise for your eternal rewards" is outside any interpretation of The Koran - SO Hence:
The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO
Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.
We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.
Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!
Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"
"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"
Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"
The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO
Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.
We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.
Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!
Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"
"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"
Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"
Monday, April 25, 2011
Pope Tells Africans To Stop Fucking
On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking!
"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:
"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"
'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!
But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)
"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."
These guys are from another planet!
"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:
"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"
'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!
But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)
"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."
These guys are from another planet!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Alert! -- Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope
In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated;
"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"
"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."
"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."
The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."
"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"
"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."
"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."
The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Godzilla Strikes Again in Dolphin Revenge Attack
Kawa Socki and his son Sockit Toomi along with Ichi Goomi and Ticki Tocki and Icho Icho Onaa and Fu King Aay were all killed by Godzilla while slaughtering Dolphin in a cove near their remote village in Grababitchi -- three hundred kilometers from Tokyo.
Dr.Oh Myomi Medical Examiner for the Kizmertucki province said today:
"We found Godzilla tracks with huge radiation levels apparent -and were able to identify the bodies because he had not eaten their heads."
He concluded;"We think Godzilla was outraged by the Dolphin slaughter!"
"AND -the radiation is making him stronger all the time"
Dr.Oh Myomi Medical Examiner for the Kizmertucki province said today:
"We found Godzilla tracks with huge radiation levels apparent -and were able to identify the bodies because he had not eaten their heads."
He concluded;"We think Godzilla was outraged by the Dolphin slaughter!"
"AND -the radiation is making him stronger all the time"
Friday, April 22, 2011
Godzilla Spotted In Japan
Ichyo Fumaspumo who lives on the tiny island of Woweezuma was fishing yesterday when he heard a load roar and saw the head of Godzilla appear about two hundred yards out in the ocean
"Holy shit!" he exclaimed to a team of reporters who flew in overnight "A fucking Earthquale and a Tsunami and the destroyed nuclear reactors spilling out radiation - We should have known it was just a matter of time before Godzilla returned"
Reports of missing vessels in the area coupled with the rescue of a seamen from a Whale and Dolphin killing trawler have created a frenzy in Tokyo which would be Godzilla's likely target.
The seamen who is being held in isolation by the japanese Coast Guard was heard to be screaming:
"It's Godzilla and he is pissed off about the killing of all his Dolphin and Whale friends and who has gotten a lot of new energy from all the Nuclear Radiation" in the Ocean." said Shoogi Zoomi head of Japan's Oceanic and Marine Institute.
WOW! When you think of all the problems a localized Nuclear Disaster can create - Just imagine what a ten killitron nuclear warhead would do to your daily routine.
And then think about Iran with a weapon in the hands of those cookoo death worshipping Mullahs - or the extremists in pakistan?
Godzilla would seem like your pet iguana!
"Holy shit!" he exclaimed to a team of reporters who flew in overnight "A fucking Earthquale and a Tsunami and the destroyed nuclear reactors spilling out radiation - We should have known it was just a matter of time before Godzilla returned"
Reports of missing vessels in the area coupled with the rescue of a seamen from a Whale and Dolphin killing trawler have created a frenzy in Tokyo which would be Godzilla's likely target.
The seamen who is being held in isolation by the japanese Coast Guard was heard to be screaming:
"It's Godzilla and he is pissed off about the killing of all his Dolphin and Whale friends and who has gotten a lot of new energy from all the Nuclear Radiation" in the Ocean." said Shoogi Zoomi head of Japan's Oceanic and Marine Institute.
WOW! When you think of all the problems a localized Nuclear Disaster can create - Just imagine what a ten killitron nuclear warhead would do to your daily routine.
And then think about Iran with a weapon in the hands of those cookoo death worshipping Mullahs - or the extremists in pakistan?
Godzilla would seem like your pet iguana!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
ABC Announces co production with 'Acme Plumbing and Television'- "Dancing With Disabilities"
Remember the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Acme Plumbing and TV -- " It's a natural spin-off when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."
He went on: "The Pipick Brothers -Moe and Arnold - Have become well known for their creativity and have established quite a track record with Reality Shows like "Star Shit""Fake Funeral"and their new animation feature for gay kids ""Studsey The Queer Bull" -We look forward to a long term collaboration with this new exciting production company.
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by Hollywood entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has been announced but Variety has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
Cretin concluded: "Oh -The Pipicks - Moe and Arnold, wanted me to remind his many friends and neighbors and long-term customers that rest assured "We'll still be keeping your shit flowing -EVEN while were busy keeping the hit shit television flowing!"
He went on: "The Pipick Brothers -Moe and Arnold - Have become well known for their creativity and have established quite a track record with Reality Shows like "Star Shit""Fake Funeral"and their new animation feature for gay kids ""Studsey The Queer Bull" -We look forward to a long term collaboration with this new exciting production company.
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by Hollywood entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has been announced but Variety has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
Cretin concluded: "Oh -The Pipicks - Moe and Arnold, wanted me to remind his many friends and neighbors and long-term customers that rest assured "We'll still be keeping your shit flowing -EVEN while were busy keeping the hit shit television flowing!"
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The New Catholic Mass Should Require Homo Alert
Can you believe THIS horseshit?
"One of the most noticeable changes is in the Nicene Creed, the statement of faith that Catholics learn to recite as children. Currently, Catholics say that Jesus is “one in being with the Father,” but in the future they will say that Jesus is “consubstantial with the Father.” This is one of several changes that include unfamiliar vocabulary.
The new mass MUST require every Priest and the Pope -before every mass - to announce:
"I will not use the power - as a representative of god on Earth - to stick my weeny in the butt of an Alter boy -or any one under the age of 35 -of whatever faith"
BECAUSE you should be less concerned about whether Johnny Jr. is memorizing the Latest Catholic mumbo jumbo - than him being coerced to suck off Father Peter "Because God likes to watch that Johnny -so be a good little Catholic and open wide."
Crude? Crude? -it's happening as we speak! And those rotten fucking perverted priests will never change -and never get the severity of the horror of it -and never stop covering each others asses about it. (oops a pun)
We need women in the priesthood and mandatory castration for the men after they take their vows!
"One of the most noticeable changes is in the Nicene Creed, the statement of faith that Catholics learn to recite as children. Currently, Catholics say that Jesus is “one in being with the Father,” but in the future they will say that Jesus is “consubstantial with the Father.” This is one of several changes that include unfamiliar vocabulary.
The new mass MUST require every Priest and the Pope -before every mass - to announce:
"I will not use the power - as a representative of god on Earth - to stick my weeny in the butt of an Alter boy -or any one under the age of 35 -of whatever faith"
BECAUSE you should be less concerned about whether Johnny Jr. is memorizing the Latest Catholic mumbo jumbo - than him being coerced to suck off Father Peter "Because God likes to watch that Johnny -so be a good little Catholic and open wide."
Crude? Crude? -it's happening as we speak! And those rotten fucking perverted priests will never change -and never get the severity of the horror of it -and never stop covering each others asses about it. (oops a pun)
We need women in the priesthood and mandatory castration for the men after they take their vows!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Fox Tv Announces - "From Fags To Stags" Boot Camp
"You come in as a Homo and leave as a Romeo" says executive producer Moishe Pipick speaking on behalf of Fox Reality Pres.Mike Schlocko who is away visiting Bernie Madoff in federal Prison to discuss a potential program.'Weekend at Bernie's"
"Over the course of twelve weeks our drill instructors -who make Victoria Secrets models look like boys -and who in addition to being the greatest pieces of ass on Earth -are also behavioral psychiatrists -will have these homo recruits screwing like a Guido on the Jersey Shore"
Pipick went on; "we will follow them as they convert from "Tuchas Tigers" - into "Snatch Busters" -and we will witness the pride and joy that their families will experience in seeing their transition into happy and fulfilled "Real Men"
"This is another example of Fox Reality TV's commitment to presenting compelling -must watch programs -while simultaneously helping to uplift society."
He concluded; "The one disappointment in the production is that we had to eliminate the Priests from the Boot Camp"
"They were using it to prey (oops a pun) on the recruits and to try and cornhole all the young kids in the area where we where shooting"
He concluded: "If you have a homo friend or family member or are a fagott yourself - call us at 1-800- stagfag - camp -and start on the road to heterosexual misery. (ha ha ha)
"Over the course of twelve weeks our drill instructors -who make Victoria Secrets models look like boys -and who in addition to being the greatest pieces of ass on Earth -are also behavioral psychiatrists -will have these homo recruits screwing like a Guido on the Jersey Shore"
Pipick went on; "we will follow them as they convert from "Tuchas Tigers" - into "Snatch Busters" -and we will witness the pride and joy that their families will experience in seeing their transition into happy and fulfilled "Real Men"
"This is another example of Fox Reality TV's commitment to presenting compelling -must watch programs -while simultaneously helping to uplift society."
He concluded; "The one disappointment in the production is that we had to eliminate the Priests from the Boot Camp"
"They were using it to prey (oops a pun) on the recruits and to try and cornhole all the young kids in the area where we where shooting"
He concluded: "If you have a homo friend or family member or are a fagott yourself - call us at 1-800- stagfag - camp -and start on the road to heterosexual misery. (ha ha ha)
Saturday, April 09, 2011
Evangelist Clergymen in Ivory Coast Should be Tried for Genocide
After last fall’s election, Mr. Gbagbo and his wife, Simone, refused to accept the results, in part because they had become evangelical Christians, and their pastors convinced them that God alone could remove them from power. Every day on state TV, fanatical clergymen called Mr. Gbagbo God’s representative on earth, and the winner of the election, Alassane Ouattara, the Devil’s. Many young Ivorians, poor, illiterate and easily brainwashed, believed this.
It's the same old story - Delusional fanaticks who get their marching orders from god wrecking havoc with humanity.
It's the same old story - Delusional fanaticks who get their marching orders from god wrecking havoc with humanity.
Evangelist in Ivory Coast Should be Tried for Genocide
After last fall’s election, Mr. Gbagbo and his wife, Simone, refused to accept the results, in part because they had become evangelical Christians, and their pastors convinced them that God alone could remove them from power. Every day on state TV, fanatical clergymen called Mr. Gbagbo God’s representative on earth, and the winner of the election, Alassane Ouattara, the Devil’s. Many young Ivorians, poor, illiterate and easily brainwashed, believed this.
It's the same old story - Delusional fanaticks who get their marching orders from god wrecking havoc with humanity.
It's the same old story - Delusional fanaticks who get their marching orders from god wrecking havoc with humanity.
Monday, April 04, 2011
Spike Stole "Coal" From The Digibandit
Now if this concept - which never made it to air - didn't provide the idea for 'Coal" to Spike TV - then my great aunt Minnie was a drag queen.
(April 2010)Fox TV and Digibandit Productions Announces"Sex With a Chilean Miner"
"This will be the world's most fantastic Reality Program!" -Said Mike Schlocker,Fox TV President at a press conference in Santiago Chile today standing beside six of the 'Untrapped' miners - who will be the prizes in the new Reality Series.
He announced: "Women will compete to be chosen by these brave (and very horny -heh heh) Chilean heroes."
He went on; "The six finalists will get to have sex with all three of the miners over the course of a weekend in a luxurious Island Resort off the Chilean Coast --AND -get this!"
He proclaimed with great fanfaire -"The Miners will then vote on who was the "mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo" -which means "hottest piece of melted pussy" in Chilean mountain dialect"
He concluded; "The winner will receive one million Chilean pesos (fifteen thousand US dollars)and a Llama -and gets to keep the baby if she becomes pregnant"
What do the Miners get?" asked Elise Mandelbaum from The Hollywood Reporter.
Schlocker replied with a lascivious twinkle in his eyes "Mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo"
Fox TV does it again!
(April 2010)Fox TV and Digibandit Productions Announces"Sex With a Chilean Miner"
"This will be the world's most fantastic Reality Program!" -Said Mike Schlocker,Fox TV President at a press conference in Santiago Chile today standing beside six of the 'Untrapped' miners - who will be the prizes in the new Reality Series.
He announced: "Women will compete to be chosen by these brave (and very horny -heh heh) Chilean heroes."
He went on; "The six finalists will get to have sex with all three of the miners over the course of a weekend in a luxurious Island Resort off the Chilean Coast --AND -get this!"
He proclaimed with great fanfaire -"The Miners will then vote on who was the "mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo" -which means "hottest piece of melted pussy" in Chilean mountain dialect"
He concluded; "The winner will receive one million Chilean pesos (fifteen thousand US dollars)and a Llama -and gets to keep the baby if she becomes pregnant"
What do the Miners get?" asked Elise Mandelbaum from The Hollywood Reporter.
Schlocker replied with a lascivious twinkle in his eyes "Mas bueno lascivio mucho pusseo"
Fox TV does it again!
Sunday, April 03, 2011
US Military Should Create "Violent Criminal Corp" From US Inmates
"Strained by the demands of long wars, the Army and the Marine Corps recruited significantly more felons into their ranks in 2009 than in 2008, including people convicted of armed robbery, arson and burglary, according to data released Monday by a House committee." NY Times today.
Well - that's a step in the right direction!
Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.
The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in The Tribal areas of afghanistan, and believe you me - when Moammar Ugenexystan (or whatever his schmucky name is) gets a load of these REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!
Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.
And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pagans and pirates of yore - they will turn those tough mountain warriors into islamic pussycats - AND those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Afghani politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and THEN we can send the 'Corp" to visit The Congo for some r&r.
Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. AND also serve as "Bitches" for the troops"Hey Bernie( Madoff) put down that mop and bend over the sink!
That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think? OH Oh OH!
And these guys won't cpme home with all those pussy war related mental problems our modern warriors are afflicted with -like PTSD
These guys will come home refreshed!
Well - that's a step in the right direction!
Now - let's take every misfit and goon and drug dealer and rapist and killer out of our jails where we are paying fifty thousand dollars a year to wharehouse them - and put them all in uniform.
The "Criminal Corp" led by a tough semi-psycho General (think Lee Marvin in the movie "The Dirty Dozen") should have it's first combat duty in The Tribal areas of afghanistan, and believe you me - when Moammar Ugenexystan (or whatever his schmucky name is) gets a load of these REAL American animals in action - they will fold their tents in a hurry!
Let's save our nice young marines and Infantry for mopping up missions after the "Criminal Corp," - And these one of a kind - original American wacko/criminals don't need any training - they are tough and cruel and smart -and we just assign the prison gang leaders to become their officers - and they are ready to rumble.
And no pay required -just let them pillage and plunder like the pagans and pirates of yore - they will turn those tough mountain warriors into islamic pussycats - AND those blood sucking incompetent and corrupt Afghani politicos will be dying to make some progress, just to get the "Criminal Corps" out of Dodge - and THEN we can send the 'Corp" to visit The Congo for some r&r.
Oh -and all the white collar criminals - you know -the Enron types, -They will join the "Criminal Corp" as support personell - as clerks and cooks and logistics and in planning and intelligence. AND also serve as "Bitches" for the troops"Hey Bernie( Madoff) put down that mop and bend over the sink!
That oughta cut down on the Wall Street shenanigans - dontcha think? OH Oh OH!
And these guys won't cpme home with all those pussy war related mental problems our modern warriors are afflicted with -like PTSD
These guys will come home refreshed!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Priests Should Be Casrated After Taking Final Vows
They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"
And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.
And -as we have found out - Your local Church has provided a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims- lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).
And if you think it's not business as usual in the " Now Johnny -God want's me to put my staff in your mouth and then in your bung hole -so be a good little Altar Boy" business - then you must be delusional!
You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.
So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican."
Oh -and not to worry --God will keep their nuts safe until they get to Heaven.
And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.
And -as we have found out - Your local Church has provided a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims- lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).
And if you think it's not business as usual in the " Now Johnny -God want's me to put my staff in your mouth and then in your bung hole -so be a good little Altar Boy" business - then you must be delusional!
You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.
So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican."
Oh -and not to worry --God will keep their nuts safe until they get to Heaven.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking
"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- which is named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "To Puke."
And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- which is named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "To Puke."
And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
"Good Christian Bitches" from ABC TV
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Saturday, March 12, 2011
Japanese Get Payback For Genocide
No i'm not talking about the millions of Chinese and Koreans they raped tortured and murdered during their occupation of those countries before and during WW2:
I'm talking about their continuing slaughter of Dolphins and Whales which we all know have more intelligence and sensitivity than your average red neck Republican.
I mean wouldn't you rather see Sarah Palin and that whole crowd of Bible Belting Morons screaming for air as they drowned in a Tuna net - or heaving up fountains of blood from a harpoon stuck in their guts than a Dolphin or a Whale
Anyway -The Japanese would eat their children if they had fins and now those lovely Sea Mammals are high fiving with their fins and blowing up spouty cheers as their tormentors deal with their well deserved karma.
I'm talking about their continuing slaughter of Dolphins and Whales which we all know have more intelligence and sensitivity than your average red neck Republican.
I mean wouldn't you rather see Sarah Palin and that whole crowd of Bible Belting Morons screaming for air as they drowned in a Tuna net - or heaving up fountains of blood from a harpoon stuck in their guts than a Dolphin or a Whale
Anyway -The Japanese would eat their children if they had fins and now those lovely Sea Mammals are high fiving with their fins and blowing up spouty cheers as their tormentors deal with their well deserved karma.
Wednesday, March 09, 2011
God Is laughing His Ass off at Newt Gingrich
ATLANTA – Newt Gingrich says his passion for his country contributed to his marital infidelity. In an interview posted Wednesday by The Christian Broadcasting Network, Gingrich — who recently converted to Catholicism — said he had sought God's forgiveness for mistakes in his past.
"There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," Gingrich said.
"What I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn't trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them," he said. "I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding, but God's forgiveness."
Gingrich went on to say that he and his third wife, Callista, now have a great marriage.
So let me get this straight he didn't screw around because of pure unadulterated lust, he did it as a result of his passion for the good ole USA (i repeat - In his own words - it had nothing to do with his cock wanting a different home) - He has found god and sought his forgiveness -and Converted to catholicism.
I only hope God is laughing as hard as all those folks who used to think he was intelligent and quite apart from the traditional Fundamentalist Republican Cookoo's.
Now we know - He is Glen Beck with a hard on!
"There's no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate," Gingrich said.
"What I can tell you is that when I did things that were wrong, I wasn't trapped in situation ethics, I was doing things that were wrong, and yet, I was doing them," he said. "I found that I felt compelled to seek God's forgiveness. Not God's understanding, but God's forgiveness."
Gingrich went on to say that he and his third wife, Callista, now have a great marriage.
So let me get this straight he didn't screw around because of pure unadulterated lust, he did it as a result of his passion for the good ole USA (i repeat - In his own words - it had nothing to do with his cock wanting a different home) - He has found god and sought his forgiveness -and Converted to catholicism.
I only hope God is laughing as hard as all those folks who used to think he was intelligent and quite apart from the traditional Fundamentalist Republican Cookoo's.
Now we know - He is Glen Beck with a hard on!
Saturday, March 05, 2011
Seniors and Prisoners Required To Generate Energy
A new energy proposal initiated by The Tea Party Republican Neanderthals would require senior citizens on medicare or in public nursing homes; all people on medicaide or on welfare , and all federal prisoners to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.
"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said House majority leader ErCantor
The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.
Senator Diane feinstein called the plan "shocking" -and said the nutso republicans should generate energy from their favorite pastime (next to killing animals) - Jerking off!
"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said House majority leader ErCantor
The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.
Senator Diane feinstein called the plan "shocking" -and said the nutso republicans should generate energy from their favorite pastime (next to killing animals) - Jerking off!
Friday, February 25, 2011
United States Should Sell It's Prison Population
The United States has 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.
Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer" said House Speaker John Boener - "AND i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably." said Sarah Palin.
Dr. Pipick concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
"Outsourcing can be a beautiful thing!"
Moishe Pipick - head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"
He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer" said House Speaker John Boener - "AND i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably." said Sarah Palin.
Dr. Pipick concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
"Outsourcing can be a beautiful thing!"
Monday, February 21, 2011
Eliminate Half The Congress and Save 60 nBillion
Have you ever met your Congressional representative? - Maybe when he was begging to get reelected but other than that?
We could easily double each District they represent -which is just numbers on a map to them (you and me) -They spend all their working hours in Washington being moved around like pawns in some dysfunctional Chess Match by their Party leaders - and when they come home who the fuck ever sees them or wants to -- SO:
Eliminate about three hundred of them - and at 200k a pop (with benefits and their perks and expenses added to their base salary) we save a bundle -AND:
Maybe get higher quality representation and a lot less squabbling and vying for media attention and begging for money from special interest. lobbyists.
The new Tea Party members will fight this idea because they won't want to give up their first job with enough power for them to fuck good looking women - BUT that's too bad.
Hey -Let them fight to see who gets eliminated - It will make one hell of a Reality Show "Tea Party Smackdown" -On Fox of course!
We could easily double each District they represent -which is just numbers on a map to them (you and me) -They spend all their working hours in Washington being moved around like pawns in some dysfunctional Chess Match by their Party leaders - and when they come home who the fuck ever sees them or wants to -- SO:
Eliminate about three hundred of them - and at 200k a pop (with benefits and their perks and expenses added to their base salary) we save a bundle -AND:
Maybe get higher quality representation and a lot less squabbling and vying for media attention and begging for money from special interest. lobbyists.
The new Tea Party members will fight this idea because they won't want to give up their first job with enough power for them to fuck good looking women - BUT that's too bad.
Hey -Let them fight to see who gets eliminated - It will make one hell of a Reality Show "Tea Party Smackdown" -On Fox of course!
Friday, February 18, 2011
America Is One Spark Away From Revolution
Bob Herbert's op ed piece in the NY Times today stated:
Mr. Mishel has been trying to call attention to the human toll caused by job losses on this vast scale. The institute estimates that the poverty rate for children is in danger of increasing from 18 percent, which is where it was in 2007, the last year for which complete statistics are available, to a scary 27.3 percent in 2010.
For black children, you don’t want to know. But I’ll tell you anyway. The poverty rate for black kids was 34.5 percent in 2007. If the national unemployment rate rises, as expected, to the vicinity of 10 percent next year, the poverty rate for black children would rise to 50 percent or higher, analysts at the institute believe.
That would be a profound tragedy.
We already know that children are being harmed in families hammered by job losses, home foreclosures and the myriad stresses that grip families trying to cope with economic reversals. Dr. Irwin Redlener, president of the Children’s Health Fund and a professor at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, has referred to these youngsters as the “recession generation,” and has described what is happening to them as “a quiet disaster.”
This is a prescription for massive social disruption - and it can take off as fast as those wildfires in California.
All it will take is someone who can galvanize that cauldron of misery out there in an America brought to economic ruin by the actions of greedy and rapacious AND non repentent capitalists gone wild.
Mr. Mishel has been trying to call attention to the human toll caused by job losses on this vast scale. The institute estimates that the poverty rate for children is in danger of increasing from 18 percent, which is where it was in 2007, the last year for which complete statistics are available, to a scary 27.3 percent in 2010.
For black children, you don’t want to know. But I’ll tell you anyway. The poverty rate for black kids was 34.5 percent in 2007. If the national unemployment rate rises, as expected, to the vicinity of 10 percent next year, the poverty rate for black children would rise to 50 percent or higher, analysts at the institute believe.
That would be a profound tragedy.
We already know that children are being harmed in families hammered by job losses, home foreclosures and the myriad stresses that grip families trying to cope with economic reversals. Dr. Irwin Redlener, president of the Children’s Health Fund and a professor at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, has referred to these youngsters as the “recession generation,” and has described what is happening to them as “a quiet disaster.”
This is a prescription for massive social disruption - and it can take off as fast as those wildfires in California.
All it will take is someone who can galvanize that cauldron of misery out there in an America brought to economic ruin by the actions of greedy and rapacious AND non repentent capitalists gone wild.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day
On this upcoming day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia
"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine where Rome was founded.
.
.The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh.
The smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.
The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fornicating and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!
This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!
Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.
This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!(only no sacrifice BUT maybe sacrifice a queer priest or two?
Happy Lupercalia everyone!
"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine where Rome was founded.
.
.The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh.
The smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.
The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fornicating and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!
This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!
Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.
This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!(only no sacrifice BUT maybe sacrifice a queer priest or two?
Happy Lupercalia everyone!
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
No Health Care Contribution -See a Fucking Witch Doctor
While all the morons are rallying agains against requiring folks to at least chip in a little in paying for their freeby health care -which we other folks have to pay for - just remember:
"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today
So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu?
Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?
Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.
"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today
So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu?
Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?
Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
FL Line Coaches To Recruit Big Black Women
In 1970, only one N.F.L. player weighed as much as 300 pounds, according to a survey conducted by The Associated Press. That number has expanded like players’ waistlines from three 300-pounders in 1980 to 94 in 1990, 301 in 2000, 394 in 2009 and 532 as training camps began in 2010
And the demand for these agile giants by The NFL has far exceeded supply -- BUT:
Moishe Pipick defensive line coach for the NY Giants said at a press conference today:
"I was having lunch up in Harlem three weeks ago on a Sunday and was walking around near the Ebenezer Baptist Church when i saw a group of very large black women coming out of Church - AND i'm tellin you that some of these gals were up in the 300 pound range -and they were dancin around like ballet dancers -AND they were wearing high heels"
"So i handed out some cards and a bunch of them showed up at the stadium for a kinda scrimmage tryout and i'm telling you these women are tough and fast and competitive and have the testosterone of a lioness"
Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit sports reporter asked coach Pipick; "What about folks reaction to women participating in such a tough and brutal game? --AND what will their husbands say?"
Coach Pipick responded: "The fans will eat it up like crazy - AND as far as their husbands? --Your shitting me aren't ya Elise?"
He concluded: "I'm just wondering if i need seperate lockers for these gals/"
And the demand for these agile giants by The NFL has far exceeded supply -- BUT:
Moishe Pipick defensive line coach for the NY Giants said at a press conference today:
"I was having lunch up in Harlem three weeks ago on a Sunday and was walking around near the Ebenezer Baptist Church when i saw a group of very large black women coming out of Church - AND i'm tellin you that some of these gals were up in the 300 pound range -and they were dancin around like ballet dancers -AND they were wearing high heels"
"So i handed out some cards and a bunch of them showed up at the stadium for a kinda scrimmage tryout and i'm telling you these women are tough and fast and competitive and have the testosterone of a lioness"
Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit sports reporter asked coach Pipick; "What about folks reaction to women participating in such a tough and brutal game? --AND what will their husbands say?"
Coach Pipick responded: "The fans will eat it up like crazy - AND as far as their husbands? --Your shitting me aren't ya Elise?"
He concluded: "I'm just wondering if i need seperate lockers for these gals/"
Thursday, January 27, 2011
unemployment Compensation is White Welfare
Wish i had a dollar for every time some conservative redneck said to me:
"You know digibandit - these (N word here)are robbin us blind with this welfare bullshit -bunch a lazy (N's) that just wont work -just don't give a crap about nuthin yadadadad"
Well you could talk on about how ninety percent of welfare went to aid for dependent children but all you'd get back from the conservative assholes was how personal responsibility had no place among these Welfare cheatin N's.
SO -now you have millions of whiteys collecting checks for up to TWO years -who maybe shoulda put a little away for a rainy day - AND:
You and i both know that Uncle Sammy is not making sure they are accountable for seeking employment in an aggressive way - holding them accountable for their White Welfare checks -making sure this is not just a handout with no strings attached.
AND -these are folks who did not mostly evolve through and from generations of
slavery and discrimination and cultural oppression of many magnitudes.
Just plain irresponsible WHITE welfare recipients who just spent everything they made -saved nothing - behaved liked irresponsible greedy children - tomorrow will never come -nothin will ever go wrong - woopedy doo - keep shoppin for crap - and now think they got it comin because someone else took advantage of them -- boo hoo - boo hoo.
I hope them so called lazy n's are laughing their black asses off at the ridiculous irony of the situation.
"You know digibandit - these (N word here)are robbin us blind with this welfare bullshit -bunch a lazy (N's) that just wont work -just don't give a crap about nuthin yadadadad"
Well you could talk on about how ninety percent of welfare went to aid for dependent children but all you'd get back from the conservative assholes was how personal responsibility had no place among these Welfare cheatin N's.
SO -now you have millions of whiteys collecting checks for up to TWO years -who maybe shoulda put a little away for a rainy day - AND:
You and i both know that Uncle Sammy is not making sure they are accountable for seeking employment in an aggressive way - holding them accountable for their White Welfare checks -making sure this is not just a handout with no strings attached.
AND -these are folks who did not mostly evolve through and from generations of
slavery and discrimination and cultural oppression of many magnitudes.
Just plain irresponsible WHITE welfare recipients who just spent everything they made -saved nothing - behaved liked irresponsible greedy children - tomorrow will never come -nothin will ever go wrong - woopedy doo - keep shoppin for crap - and now think they got it comin because someone else took advantage of them -- boo hoo - boo hoo.
I hope them so called lazy n's are laughing their black asses off at the ridiculous irony of the situation.
Saturday, January 15, 2011
NRA Wants American's To Own Artillery
This from the wimpy NY Times said NRA honcho Clem Snout:
"What is the matter with us? Are we really helpless in the face of the astounding toll that guns take on this society?
More than 30,000 people die from gunfire every year. Another 66,000 or so are wounded, which means that nearly 100,000 men, women and children are shot in the United States annually. Have we really become so impotent as a society, so pathetically fearful in the face of the extremists, that we can’t even take the most modest of steps to begin curbing this horror?
Where is the leadership? We know who’s on the side of the gun crazies. Where is the leadership on the side of sanity?
For starters, assault weapons should be banned. Their raison d’être is to kill the maximum number of people — people, not animals — in the shortest amount of time"
"Well that's just a bunch of liberal crapola" said Clem Snout the NRA president"
He continued, "The more firepower in the hands of white American's the better - and i mean even kinda weirdy WHITE Americans! -- If a few folks get nailed along the way well that's just like my Momma used to to say:
"Clem -if you wanna make an Omelete you gotta break a few eggs"
Mr. Snout continued" "Matter of fact we need WHITE America to wake the fuck up and start investing in REAL firepower because when the Jews and Africans and Mexy's and homo's start swarmin all over us it's gonna take some Howitzers to set em back on their asses"
"It's like Sarah always says -"Don't retreat --RELOAD!" said Stout "AND i don't see nothin in the Constitution says a white American caint own a Howitzer or even a flame thrower -or mount a set of quad fifties on his pickup truck"
"Next year the NRA will seek legislation to REQUIRE every White man (non Jews or Homos)) to carry a gun at all times except when he's humpin his old lady and then she has to have one handy and keep one eye peeled for trouble"
'Vigilance is the answer" concluded President Snout.
"What is the matter with us? Are we really helpless in the face of the astounding toll that guns take on this society?
More than 30,000 people die from gunfire every year. Another 66,000 or so are wounded, which means that nearly 100,000 men, women and children are shot in the United States annually. Have we really become so impotent as a society, so pathetically fearful in the face of the extremists, that we can’t even take the most modest of steps to begin curbing this horror?
Where is the leadership? We know who’s on the side of the gun crazies. Where is the leadership on the side of sanity?
For starters, assault weapons should be banned. Their raison d’être is to kill the maximum number of people — people, not animals — in the shortest amount of time"
"Well that's just a bunch of liberal crapola" said Clem Snout the NRA president"
He continued, "The more firepower in the hands of white American's the better - and i mean even kinda weirdy WHITE Americans! -- If a few folks get nailed along the way well that's just like my Momma used to to say:
"Clem -if you wanna make an Omelete you gotta break a few eggs"
Mr. Snout continued" "Matter of fact we need WHITE America to wake the fuck up and start investing in REAL firepower because when the Jews and Africans and Mexy's and homo's start swarmin all over us it's gonna take some Howitzers to set em back on their asses"
"It's like Sarah always says -"Don't retreat --RELOAD!" said Stout "AND i don't see nothin in the Constitution says a white American caint own a Howitzer or even a flame thrower -or mount a set of quad fifties on his pickup truck"
"Next year the NRA will seek legislation to REQUIRE every White man (non Jews or Homos)) to carry a gun at all times except when he's humpin his old lady and then she has to have one handy and keep one eye peeled for trouble"
'Vigilance is the answer" concluded President Snout.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Palin Family To Tour US With 'Wild North" Carnival Show
Youv'e heard of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show?
The show itself consisted of a series of "historical" scenes interspersed with feats of showmanship, sharp shooting, racing, or rodeo style events. Native Americans figured prominently in many of the scenes, often shown attacking whites in historical situations with Buffalo Bill or one of his colleagues riding in and saving the day.
Well - The Sarah Palin version of that cookoo event will be coming to a venue near you before you can say " Wow look at Sarah standing on Tod's shoulders going eighty miles per hour on his snowmobile - while she shoots a beer can off an Eskimo's head."(sponsored by Budweiser)
Oh -and while all this is goin on her kids will be working the crowd dressed as Cavalry soldiers handing out bibles and asking for money for Sarah's Presidential campaign.
Yep - in this Annie Oakely meets the Munsters style traveling carnival Sarah will -as she says "Bring back the days when men were men and women were women" or as she said "Before the Democrats turned into homo's and Jew and Injun lovers"
There will be a whale and wolfmeat barbeque and a tent revival prayer meeting and a shooting range.
Hey -the redneck Republicans will show up in droves with their guns and bibles and woop and holler in support of their great white hope for the 2012 election:
Republican now officially stands for "Goyims Only" said Tod as he oggled a teenage Eskimo girl.
The show itself consisted of a series of "historical" scenes interspersed with feats of showmanship, sharp shooting, racing, or rodeo style events. Native Americans figured prominently in many of the scenes, often shown attacking whites in historical situations with Buffalo Bill or one of his colleagues riding in and saving the day.
Well - The Sarah Palin version of that cookoo event will be coming to a venue near you before you can say " Wow look at Sarah standing on Tod's shoulders going eighty miles per hour on his snowmobile - while she shoots a beer can off an Eskimo's head."(sponsored by Budweiser)
Oh -and while all this is goin on her kids will be working the crowd dressed as Cavalry soldiers handing out bibles and asking for money for Sarah's Presidential campaign.
Yep - in this Annie Oakely meets the Munsters style traveling carnival Sarah will -as she says "Bring back the days when men were men and women were women" or as she said "Before the Democrats turned into homo's and Jew and Injun lovers"
There will be a whale and wolfmeat barbeque and a tent revival prayer meeting and a shooting range.
Hey -the redneck Republicans will show up in droves with their guns and bibles and woop and holler in support of their great white hope for the 2012 election:
Republican now officially stands for "Goyims Only" said Tod as he oggled a teenage Eskimo girl.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Best Torture For Muslim Extremists - Nagging American Wives
MUSLIMS TREAT THEIR WOMEN LIKE KOREAN'S TREAT DOGS! - AS A RESULT THEY HAVE NO IDEA HOW VISCIOUS A NAGGING WIFE CAN BE -ESPECIALLY A GOOD OLD FASHIONED AVERAGE "AMERICAN NAGGING WIFE"(I DON'T INCLUDE GIRLFRIEND NAGGING (JUST AS VISCIOUS) BECAUSE MUSLIMS DON'T HAVE GIRLFRIENDS - THAT WOULD IMPLY COURTSHIP AND OPTIONS FOR THE WOMEN)
So - you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."
Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:
"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been -I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.
You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less? Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;
"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andthat would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.
How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......
"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.
C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.
So - you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."
Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:
"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been -I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......." Well - you know the drill.
You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less? Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;
"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andthat would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.
How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......
"At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.
C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.
Tuesday, January 04, 2011
Vulgarity An Underutilized Diplomacy Weapon
Now if i were to say that Iran cannot be allowed Nuclear Weapons for the same reasons that you would not give a psychopathic escapee from The California Prison for the Criminally Insane -five gallons of a toxic biological agent -AND a map to the Los Angeles Aqueduct:
I would be accused of a misguided and inappropriate metaphor yadadadadya (even though everyone knows that is why those Maniacal - Death Worshiping Mullahs can never become Nuclear Weapon enriched)
BUT -If Secretary Clinton were to stand up in the United Nations General Assembly and state with conviction:
"Let's cut the crap! -I would rather have Ahmadinejad suck on my beaver -or bang Chelsea -Than for him to ever get control of a nuclear weapon -AND that goes for their whole fucking lunatic Islamofascist Regime"
And then if Obama reinforced that with:
"I'm with Hillary one-hundred percent and can honestly say that i would rather have The Ayatollah Komeini impregnate Michelle -Than for those Fascist Stone Age Mullahs to get within range of a Nuclear Missile -UNLESS it was incoming from Tel Aviv!"
OH! Oh! and let's not forget the irrepressible VP Joe Biden who might add:
"I can honestly add to those crystal clear comments that i would rather be gang raped in Delaware State Penitentiary -and have my wife be sodomized by A fucking savage Iranian Revolutionary Guard Member -than to allow Iran to obtain Nuclear Weapons"
Let me Tell ya -- The debate would end right there and we would be the heroes of the whole fucking world that is worth giving a flying fuck about - for calling it straight for ONCE!
Ah - darnit -blew my New Year's resolution about cussing -maybe next year?
I would be accused of a misguided and inappropriate metaphor yadadadadya (even though everyone knows that is why those Maniacal - Death Worshiping Mullahs can never become Nuclear Weapon enriched)
BUT -If Secretary Clinton were to stand up in the United Nations General Assembly and state with conviction:
"Let's cut the crap! -I would rather have Ahmadinejad suck on my beaver -or bang Chelsea -Than for him to ever get control of a nuclear weapon -AND that goes for their whole fucking lunatic Islamofascist Regime"
And then if Obama reinforced that with:
"I'm with Hillary one-hundred percent and can honestly say that i would rather have The Ayatollah Komeini impregnate Michelle -Than for those Fascist Stone Age Mullahs to get within range of a Nuclear Missile -UNLESS it was incoming from Tel Aviv!"
OH! Oh! and let's not forget the irrepressible VP Joe Biden who might add:
"I can honestly add to those crystal clear comments that i would rather be gang raped in Delaware State Penitentiary -and have my wife be sodomized by A fucking savage Iranian Revolutionary Guard Member -than to allow Iran to obtain Nuclear Weapons"
Let me Tell ya -- The debate would end right there and we would be the heroes of the whole fucking world that is worth giving a flying fuck about - for calling it straight for ONCE!
Ah - darnit -blew my New Year's resolution about cussing -maybe next year?
Saturday, January 01, 2011
Remember When Jane Fonda said Cunt on TV?
Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?
Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.
I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."
She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"
Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."
But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"
"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"
I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."
"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"
Kid's today!
Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.
I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."
She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"
Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."
But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"
"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"
I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."
"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"
Kid's today!
"Blackberry Brain Disease" Afflicting Millions
The Universal Cultural Research Institute in Berne, Switzerland announced the results of a five year study of over ten thousand seemingly successful and normal - high usage Blackberry owners.
"The results were startling and extremely alarming" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick -Head of neuroscientific data analysis for the institute.
He stated; "I won't bore you with the elaborate stem cortex graph analysis data -or the comprehensive back-up documentation regarding behavioral pathology and emotional deconstruction - along with the acute alteration of logic and emotional circuitry in the cerebral cortex -caused by this device in the hands of high user Alpha males."
Dr. Pipick continued; "But i will say that what we call "Assumptive Logic Pathology" -Which is a mental disorder common to 87% of those in our study - where they are making judgements based on a minimal percentage of the data they are receiving (that info contained in the first paragraph of the Blackberry communiques) -
"BUT - their brains -which have evolved a logical paradigm for more detailed and semi-comprehensive information analysis over millions of years -is being frustrated and -how shall i say it in non technical terms? --In German, Freud called it --Ungershtupped mitten horst manureschweigen infoschlacken"
He concluded; "In other words -stuffed and confused - or overloaded with horsehit information!"
"Can you give us an example of "Assumptive Logical Pathology " Dr. Pipick?" - Asked digibandit Science Reporter -Elise Mandelbaum.
"YES! -here's a typical one - A Television program developer received an urgent email from his aged Mother's heart specialist in which the first words on the Blackberry were "Have idea which you will find important and crucial"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The busy emotionally overloaded program executive quickly sent back a message after getting what he thought was the info gist of the communique "Sorry Doc -too busy to deal with elevator concepts (quicky creative concepts) from you"
"WELL -What the program executive failed to read was the part of the message which said; " Your Mom in coma! -Severe heart attack ! -Need immediate approvalfor radical new stent implantation!"
Dr Pipick concluded; "AND this will Kill ya Elise! -The Dr's next email back to the TV Development big shot said -- in the first three words of a message explaining the DEATH of our programmer's mother: "Mom is gone..... "
"AND the guy sends the Dr. back a quicky Blackberry shot -"Hey Doc! -There are three shows on the air right now about Mothers yaddadada -please give me a break here -- OH! -And how's my mother doing?"
"The results were startling and extremely alarming" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick -Head of neuroscientific data analysis for the institute.
He stated; "I won't bore you with the elaborate stem cortex graph analysis data -or the comprehensive back-up documentation regarding behavioral pathology and emotional deconstruction - along with the acute alteration of logic and emotional circuitry in the cerebral cortex -caused by this device in the hands of high user Alpha males."
Dr. Pipick continued; "But i will say that what we call "Assumptive Logic Pathology" -Which is a mental disorder common to 87% of those in our study - where they are making judgements based on a minimal percentage of the data they are receiving (that info contained in the first paragraph of the Blackberry communiques) -
"BUT - their brains -which have evolved a logical paradigm for more detailed and semi-comprehensive information analysis over millions of years -is being frustrated and -how shall i say it in non technical terms? --In German, Freud called it --Ungershtupped mitten horst manureschweigen infoschlacken"
He concluded; "In other words -stuffed and confused - or overloaded with horsehit information!"
"Can you give us an example of "Assumptive Logical Pathology " Dr. Pipick?" - Asked digibandit Science Reporter -Elise Mandelbaum.
"YES! -here's a typical one - A Television program developer received an urgent email from his aged Mother's heart specialist in which the first words on the Blackberry were "Have idea which you will find important and crucial"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The busy emotionally overloaded program executive quickly sent back a message after getting what he thought was the info gist of the communique "Sorry Doc -too busy to deal with elevator concepts (quicky creative concepts) from you"
"WELL -What the program executive failed to read was the part of the message which said; " Your Mom in coma! -Severe heart attack ! -Need immediate approvalfor radical new stent implantation!"
Dr Pipick concluded; "AND this will Kill ya Elise! -The Dr's next email back to the TV Development big shot said -- in the first three words of a message explaining the DEATH of our programmer's mother: "Mom is gone..... "
"AND the guy sends the Dr. back a quicky Blackberry shot -"Hey Doc! -There are three shows on the air right now about Mothers yaddadada -please give me a break here -- OH! -And how's my mother doing?"
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