Meyer Goldfat,Coulter's high school sweetheart said: "The reason she's turned into such a vicious sour apple and man hating cunt, is that she has not been laid since we broke up in i982!"
"I only srewed her once after the senior high graduation party -- she was wasted on booze and vi-codeine and actually she looked so ugly naked that i just rolled her over and stuck it up her corn hole", said Goldfat.
She is really frustrated, and all the cool guys in college she wanted to fuck just made fun of her. (her nickname was "Annie rottencrotch") Most of them were idealistic and liberal and that's the reason she hates Democrats with such a passion."
He continued;"One guy in particular, who she was really hot for, looked like a clone of presidential candidate John Edwards; and he was really brutal in his rejection -- he would put poems all over "Annie smelly rotten crotch -- kicks the ugly up a notch,"
So, said Goldblatt, "You can see why she hates John Edwards!" He added, "I kind of feel sorry for her, but the truth is she was a rotton vicious cunt even as a child -- she was a ball breaker in kindergarten -- just a natural born cunt!"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Katie Couric To Get Head Of Walter Cronkite
Well -- showing a nipple didn't work! -- Turning her into the first "news dummy" by giving her a new voice didn't work! (all previously reported by the digibandit) -- now it's one last chance for Katie to survive her horrible ratings.
Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"
Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."
Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."
Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."
Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"
Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."
Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."
Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Paris Hilton Blows Larry King For Interview
A production assistant on the Larry King show has "blown" the whistle on his boss! --"Paris went into his office and i heard her whining and crying about how the broadcast networks wouldn't pay for her jail story and how Barbara Walters called her a slut and a moron and told her to go see that pimp Larry King ." -- said the assistant."
He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."
Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"
Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."
"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."
Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.
He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."
Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"
Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."
"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."
Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hillary says Bill Is Under Control With Her New Blow Job Power
Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: "
After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?"
Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!
Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."
"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.
The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"
To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"
Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?
Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."
"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.
The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"
To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"
Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?
Monday, June 18, 2007
Koran Says "No Oral Sex" -- Scholar Says "Thats 'The Muslim's Main Problem"
The great Islamic scholar, Hairarry Mufki Pufki said at Cairo University today; “The primary reason that so many Arab societies are dysfunctional and that Islamic fascism is taking over the Middle East is that -- The Koran forbids oral sex!”
In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”
The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”
When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”
Ah! --so that’s it!
In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”
The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”
When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”
Ah! --so that’s it!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.
"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.
"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Fox Announces "She's Got Balls!"
Arnold Schlock, president of Fox reality television, announced their next breakthrough in family friendly -- trans gender -- reality programming.
"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.
"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"
"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.
"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."
Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?
"
"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.
"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"
"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.
"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."
Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?
"
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress
Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because
"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.
"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.
When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.
"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.
When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Bible Park USA Will Become America's Vatican
Christianity is about to realize it's true potential!
Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.
The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.
"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.
He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.
God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!
A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!
To be continued:
Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.
The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.
"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.
He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.
God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!
A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!
To be continued:
Friday, June 08, 2007
Paris Hilton's Pubic Hair Smuggled Out Of Jail
A lock of Paris Hilton's pubic hair which a fellow prisoner snagged from a bar of soap she had used --was smuggled out of LA county jail and will be sold on ebay --starting bids already exceed 250 thousand dollars from an undisclosed Saudi prince.
The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..
Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."
She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"
"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"
"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"
You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!
The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..
Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."
She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"
"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"
"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"
You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
God says "Knock Off Political Prayer - Or Else!" -- Says Pope
"God is on overload!", said Pope Benedick today. "He has enough to handle without listening to Barak Obama and John Edwards et al. wining to him about their pseudo passion for the healing properties of Religion and Faith as they seek political power.
He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."
God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"
The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."
God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"
"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"
He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."
God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"
The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."
God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"
"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Gay Cali Prisoners Denied Asshole Lubricant
Gay Inmates to Be Granted Conjugal Visits in California
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.
However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.
"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"
He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."
He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."
Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."
"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.
However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.
"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"
He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."
He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."
Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."
"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"
Friday, June 01, 2007
Breakfast Is Served -- 6/1/07 Hollywood ,CA. --Seven Eleven
"Good morning mam" --i says to the 250 pound plus black woman who is petting my dog while she waits for Jose to ring up her breakfast order at the seven eleven on the corner of Sunset and La Brea.
"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.
Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"
"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "
Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)
Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).
And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.
And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.
You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!
"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"
I'm moving to Cuba!
"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.
Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"
"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "
Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)
Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).
And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.
And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.
You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!
"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"
I'm moving to Cuba!
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