xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: 06/01/2008 - 07/01/2008

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Fox Announces - 'Old Demented People Borrowers"

Taking their lead from NBC’s new hit reality series “Baby Borrowers” – the savy and socially commited programmers at Fox Television announced the introduction of “Old Demented People Borrowers” into their fall prime time lineup.

Fox TV head – Hymen Yenta said at a press conference in the Hollywood home for the aged today; “ The old folks you see here are a sample of the demented and incompetent folks who will be available for “borrowing” by middle age couples who will get the chance to hone their nurturing skills in preparation for that imminent time when their own parents will become demented.”

“It’s a win win situation all around” he said – “The families of the “borrowed” will receive a hefty payment to defray their nursing home costs and the “borrowers”will get training and experience in preparation for handling their own –soon to become demented parents.”

Bandit Hollywood reporter Lisa Clitowsky asked Mr. Yenta, “So Hymen – what’s in it for the “borrowed” folks?”

He replied; “They don’t know what’s up anyway Lisa –at least they won’t get slapped around by those black male nurses for a while.”

Looks like another winner from Fox television!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Ford Introduces 250 gallon Fuel Tank On New Models

Ford VP of engineering - Dr, Hymen Goldfarb -announced today:

"With the price of gas increasing steadily -and with no relief in sight - Ford is allowing buyers of their 2010 autos and trucks - the option of buying up to 250 gallons at a time on all standard models -and up to 1.000 gallons with it's biggest suv's and trucks."

He stated, "At Ford we wanted folks to get some hedge against spiraling fuel costs -if you fill er up today at say five bucks a gallon - and in a month it would cost you say six bucks -well - that's a thousand dollar savings if youv'e got our "Jumbo 1,000 Sports Tanker."

Digibandit automotive reporter - Myrna Cuntwich asked Dr. Hymen "But doesn't carrying that much fuel create the potential for huge and disastrous explosions ?"

He replied -- "Yes!"

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Priests Should Be Casrated After Taking Final Vows

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And -as we have found out - Your local Church has provided a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican."


Oh -and not to worry --God will keep their nuts safe until they get to Heaven.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Fox Announces- "America's Most Talented Folks on Medication"

Think -‘American idol” meets “One Flew over the Cuckoo’s Nest”

Most of the population (across all demographic groups) is now taking drugs –or a combination of them:

Kids are line up at their summer camps to get their daily doses of Ritalin - mom and dad are taking bi-polar meds and woofing down pain killers and booze and alcohol - teenagers are basically walking pharmaceutical test laboratories - granny and pop pop need refrigerator sized medicine cabinets – and then there are the heavy duty schitzos and paranoids and severely manic and depressed -who with modern pschotropics get along (almost).

And – many of these folks have talent!

They can sing and dance and tell jokes! (juggling, knife throwing –high wire and other circus related activities will not be included).

These varied medicated conditions will provide the audience with a most refreshing and unique entertainment perspective and experience.

Nobody can sing the rthyme and blues or dance the polka like a medicated manic depressive - and nothing enhances a stand up routine like Alzheimer’s (you get the picture I’m sure).

Judging will take into consideration the level and intensity of the individual performers medication (which will be identified graphically in a lower third screen format):

Example --- Gene nelson from Yonkers New York will sing “Im Still Standing” by Elton John while performing a tai chi routine and is currently taking 300 milligrams of prosac – 100 of Valium and ten milligrams of lithium.

Talent judges will all be celebrities who are currently in rehab and heavily medicated themselves (in order to fully appreciate and fairly evaluate the medicated performances)

All contestantswill of course be drug tested to make sure they are not drug free,

Stay tuned!