xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: Mar 21, 2007

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!

And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "

He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"

President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."