The APA (American Pschological Association) has just released a comprehensive study which proves that individuals who use premium toilet paper are much higher achievers - They have significantly more self esteem - and are more content and they live longer and have much better sex lives.
Dr. Sam Moshenbein, who headed the research team at the APA said:
"About a year ago i came home from the store and realized i had bought -by accident - some of those 1,000 sheet rolls of cheapt toilet paper (i have been using Charmin Ultra for twent years now) - and i thought -"Hey maybe i'll use these and save some money (like wer'e all supposed to do now) and maybe even some trees?"
He continued; "Well - i noticed after a few days that i was feeling kinda anxious - and that my asshole was never quite dry -and after about ten days i started to really just not feel right -and i was kinda depressed and angry - and not sleeping."
"Well being a shrink i started to analyze what conditions might be causing my newfound anxiety and WHAMMO! - i ran out and bought some Charmin Ultra and came home and took a nice big dump and wiped away generously and luxuriously and"
"Within two hours i was feeling so good that i humped my Becky on the coffee table!"
Dr. Moshenbein continued; "And it was then that i decided we should do a comprehensive study covering the linkage between cheap vs. premium
toilet paper usage -and boy is it a mind bender!"
He went on: "I mean -we have known for some time now that toilet training related trauma generates significant behavioral implications."
"And -we know that in Arab countries like Iran where the Mullah's wipe their asses with their hands (or newspaper) -it contributes heavily in their prediliction for extremism and violence -and mistreatment of their women and children"
He concluded ; " But know we know that even in modern industrialized Democracies -The use of cheap toilet paper contributes to significant cultural disadvantages -which disproportionally affects lower income households -and minorities overall."
"Wer'e hoping the Obama administration will take steps through the Food and Drug Administration to set minimal standards for "anxiety free wiping" by mandating the amount of cotton in each sheet of toilet paper"
Well - now it all makes sense to me - everytime i use that cheap shit paper they put in all stores and public toilets - i feel like my asshole is squooshy -and it makes me want to drag my ass along the ground like a dog with some shit on it's asshair.
You know what i mean?
Yeah -but the Republicans will say " "Oh my God -it's finally happened - the democrats are putting government in our shit"
Well -it's ironic -because the Republicans have been putting shit in our government for years!
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