xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: Who Was The First Mother?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

Who Was The First Mother?

It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!