xmlns:og='http://ogp.me/ns#'. The Digibandit: Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy

With her news ratings in the toilet--- Les Moonbeam,Prexy of CBS,and the brainchild behind paying Couric twenty mill to exit the Today Show and bring ratings gold to The CBS Evening News -- especially among younger viewers -- made a revolutionary announcement today -- and one with far reaching implications for the future of Television News anchoring and field reporting.

He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”

He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”

“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”

“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”

‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.

Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”