"Good morning mam" --i says to the 250 pound plus black woman who is petting my dog while she waits for Jose to ring up her breakfast order at the seven eleven on the corner of Sunset and La Brea.
"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.
Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"
"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "
Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)
Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).
And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.
And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.
You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!
"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"
I'm moving to Cuba!
Friday, June 01, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Don't Bring A pussy To A Knife Fight
In a twist on the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight." -- Sheryl Manglelbush, head pollster for Gallup/USA said; "In our latest poll we asked Americans the following question:
"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"
Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:
John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.
Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.
Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!
Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.
John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.
Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.
"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.
"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"
Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:
John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.
Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.
Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!
Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.
John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.
Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.
"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Satan Is A Pussy
"No, no, no to Satan! No, no, no to America! No, no, no to occupation! No, no, no to Israel!"MOKTADA AL-SADR, the populist Shiite cleric, speaking to worshipers yesterday on his return to Iraq."
"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.
He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."
The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"
"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"
"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."
"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.
It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."
"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."
"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."
Happy Memorial Day
"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.
He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."
The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"
"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"
"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."
"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.
It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."
"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."
"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."
Happy Memorial Day
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq
The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce , on his weekly radio address, that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya for example; they are fast and tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq"
"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."
The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.
"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.
"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."
The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.
"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Rudy Giuliani To Buy Mexico With Donald Trump
"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said Republican presidential frontrunner Rudy Giuliani in a press conference with the Donald at a Wall Street press conference, with their hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs." We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousand American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Giuliani.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.
This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).
Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."
Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.
This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).
Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."
Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Jerry Falwell Get's Shocking Welcome From God
Walking through the pearly gates on his way to see the “Big Guy” in the sky -- The Rev was probably a little bit confused by the fact that the two Angels escorting him were black cross-dressers.
He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.
Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.
“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:
“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”
So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!
So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”
He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.
Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.
“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:
“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”
So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!
So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)
"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Who Was The First Mother?
It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Troops In Iraq Are Horniest Soldiers In History
Throughout the history of warfare (man's favorite pastime) and especially American history, one of the major incentives for soldiers was the availability of pussy.
Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).
Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"
He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.
He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."
He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"
The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."
"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"
One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"
Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).
Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"
He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.
He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."
He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"
The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."
"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"
One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod
It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Some Chick Messed Up God --Really Bad!
Los Angeles Times -- today: "Gender issues nix interfaith soccer" -filed
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;
"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.
A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."
Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.
The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)
These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).
Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"
Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."
God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;
"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.
A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."
Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.
The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)
These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).
Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"
Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."
God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!
Friday, May 04, 2007
'Neglect Your Kid's And Do Time" Say's Rudy Giuliani
Responding to all the liberal whining,in the wake of surging gang violence across the country; that poor folks have to work three jobs and aren't around for their kids and Bush has cut neighborhood programs so these poor neglected kids have nothing to do but rape mame and murder with their unsupervised time.
"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"
"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"
He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"
Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"
"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."
'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."
"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.
"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"
"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"
He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"
Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"
"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."
'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."
"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Hillary To lead "No More Free Pussy" Crusade
Hillary The warrior Queen announced today; 'The world is divided into two basic groups.! --In the smaller but more advanced and powerful one; women have the right not to fuck men unless they want to.In the other group,ie. --all of Africa--The Muslim countries -- most of India - and most third world nations -- Men just fuck their women anytime they want to -- it's basically rape!"
Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."
It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!
"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.
'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!
Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."
It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!
"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.
'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Hillary Clinton -- Warrior Queen
Ancient queens and other women have led their people into battle since the beginning of time: Amazons, Queen Artemisia, Queen Boudicca, Queen Samsi, Queen Tomyris, Trung Sisters, Queen Zenobia,Queen Elizabeth --and let's not forget Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher.
Throughout history, women warriors have fought and led troops into battle. This partial list of warrior queens and other women warriors runs from the legendary Amazons -- who may have been real warriors from the Steppes -- to the Syrian queen of Palmyra, Zenobia. Sadly, we know too little about most of these brave warrior women who stood up to the powerful male leaders of their day.
The Amazons are credited with helping the Trojans against the Greeks in the Trojan War. They are also said to have been fierce women archers who cut off a breast to aid them in shooting, but recent archaeological evidence suggests the Amazons were real, important, powerful, two-breasted, warrior women, possibly from the Steppes.
But get ready! -- Because Hillary Clinton will make them all look like pussies! --Did you see or hear her response to this question by Brian Williams during the debates last week? "What is your primary responsibility as President if we suffer a terrorist attack?" -- her answer; "Retaliate!"
I looked into her round cherubic face and steely blue eyes as she answered -- and i knew that this was a Warrior Queen who would cut off her breasts and take out her little suitcase with those targeting codes inside -- and soon after -- they are going to need a lot more room in Asshole Paradise.
This is a woman who get's into bed each night with a man who has more testosterone than a male bull shark! -- If she can handle Willie -- she's ready to be "Hillary Clinton --Warrior Queen of America."
More on this tomorrow.
Throughout history, women warriors have fought and led troops into battle. This partial list of warrior queens and other women warriors runs from the legendary Amazons -- who may have been real warriors from the Steppes -- to the Syrian queen of Palmyra, Zenobia. Sadly, we know too little about most of these brave warrior women who stood up to the powerful male leaders of their day.
The Amazons are credited with helping the Trojans against the Greeks in the Trojan War. They are also said to have been fierce women archers who cut off a breast to aid them in shooting, but recent archaeological evidence suggests the Amazons were real, important, powerful, two-breasted, warrior women, possibly from the Steppes.
But get ready! -- Because Hillary Clinton will make them all look like pussies! --Did you see or hear her response to this question by Brian Williams during the debates last week? "What is your primary responsibility as President if we suffer a terrorist attack?" -- her answer; "Retaliate!"
I looked into her round cherubic face and steely blue eyes as she answered -- and i knew that this was a Warrior Queen who would cut off her breasts and take out her little suitcase with those targeting codes inside -- and soon after -- they are going to need a lot more room in Asshole Paradise.
This is a woman who get's into bed each night with a man who has more testosterone than a male bull shark! -- If she can handle Willie -- she's ready to be "Hillary Clinton --Warrior Queen of America."
More on this tomorrow.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Bob Jones University Creed -- Stolen From Bug's Bunny
Here is the Famous Christian University's Creed. They are an institution of higher learning that is a primary source of key personnel recruitment and wisdom for the Bush administration: (It definitely qualifies as an "Institution"-- as in Mental , and "Higher," as in tree-top)
If you substitute "Bug's Bunny" for any phrases with "God" or "Bible"; or the word "Carrot" for,"Resurrection" --"Virgin" --- or "Eternal Life"; you can quickly see why the Bush administration is so admired by thoughtful and intelligent folks around the Globe --and why projects and appointments like Iraq and Katrina and Harriet Meyers and Alberto Gonzales and sooo many other critical tasks turned out so well.
So here's the creed of Moron's (Not to be confused with Mormon's) --and the source of the Bush Administration's wisdom.
Each day in chapel we recite the University Creed. It is a concise statement of the most important truths taught in God's Word.
I believe in the inspiration of the Bible (both the Old and the New Testaments); the creation of man by the direct act of God; the incarnation and virgin birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; His identification as the Son of God; His vicarious atonement for the sins of mankind by the shedding of His blood on the cross; the resurrection of His body from the tomb; His power to save men from sin; the new birth through the regeneration by the Holy Spirit; and the gift of eternal life by the grace of God.
Plays nice with 'Bug's Bunny" and his "Carrot" -- don't it?
If you substitute "Bug's Bunny" for any phrases with "God" or "Bible"; or the word "Carrot" for,"Resurrection" --"Virgin" --- or "Eternal Life"; you can quickly see why the Bush administration is so admired by thoughtful and intelligent folks around the Globe --and why projects and appointments like Iraq and Katrina and Harriet Meyers and Alberto Gonzales and sooo many other critical tasks turned out so well.
So here's the creed of Moron's (Not to be confused with Mormon's) --and the source of the Bush Administration's wisdom.
Each day in chapel we recite the University Creed. It is a concise statement of the most important truths taught in God's Word.
I believe in the inspiration of the Bible (both the Old and the New Testaments); the creation of man by the direct act of God; the incarnation and virgin birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; His identification as the Son of God; His vicarious atonement for the sins of mankind by the shedding of His blood on the cross; the resurrection of His body from the tomb; His power to save men from sin; the new birth through the regeneration by the Holy Spirit; and the gift of eternal life by the grace of God.
Plays nice with 'Bug's Bunny" and his "Carrot" -- don't it?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."
Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."
Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."
Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."
Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Congress To Vote On Rudy's Plan For High School Dropouts
Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
"The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways."
He added, "I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
"The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways."
He added, "I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
Saturday, April 21, 2007
Dead Human Fetus' Great Source Of Fertilizer Says WTO
The World Trade Organization has discovered that fetal tissue is a cheap and wonderful source of plant fertilizer. Arnold Stang,head of agriculture for the WTO, whose objective is to discover new and efficient ways to raise crops and feed the growing number of people suffering from malnutrition in the world said: "We discovered that rural Chinese farmers who had aborted girl babies, following Chinese government birth control policy; were grinding up the fetus' and spreading them over their fields -- with amazing results! -- Fields cultivated with the "fetus soil" had a three hundred percent increase in harvest yields, and the villagers developed resistance to some fatal diseases."
He continued: "Their are over one-hundred million abortions in the world annually, and if we set up an effective manufacturing and distribution system to turn all those fetus' into fertilizer --we can solve world hunger in a flash! -- and from a moral point of view, those folks who might have some misgivings about abortion will know that their dead babies helped some poor starving souls to get proper nutrition."
Furthermore, he went on;" It's also conceivable that we could have the beginning of a whole new industry here! -- Poor people with no skills but who can breed like rabbits could be compensated for their aborted fetus.' -- It's estimated that a ground up fetus from the late second tri-mester weighing around two pounds can fertilize a four acre plot -- it's powerful stuff -- and that's significant crop coverage, and with no pesticides or carbon based fertilizer."
He said: "In the USA alone, there are over three million abortions a year that we know of -- hell. they could crank up that fetus production to ten times that amount with proper incentives just for the Black and Hispanic populations. They would make money -- climb out of poverty -- feed the world needy and have a fun time doing it. (a pun) -- It's a total win win situation!"
And the Supreme Court can't do a fucking thing about it! -- So throw away your condoms -- have a few cocktails -- and start producing some kick ass "Fetus Soil" fertilizer. --For fun and profit and the world's starving folks.
He continued: "Their are over one-hundred million abortions in the world annually, and if we set up an effective manufacturing and distribution system to turn all those fetus' into fertilizer --we can solve world hunger in a flash! -- and from a moral point of view, those folks who might have some misgivings about abortion will know that their dead babies helped some poor starving souls to get proper nutrition."
Furthermore, he went on;" It's also conceivable that we could have the beginning of a whole new industry here! -- Poor people with no skills but who can breed like rabbits could be compensated for their aborted fetus.' -- It's estimated that a ground up fetus from the late second tri-mester weighing around two pounds can fertilize a four acre plot -- it's powerful stuff -- and that's significant crop coverage, and with no pesticides or carbon based fertilizer."
He said: "In the USA alone, there are over three million abortions a year that we know of -- hell. they could crank up that fetus production to ten times that amount with proper incentives just for the Black and Hispanic populations. They would make money -- climb out of poverty -- feed the world needy and have a fun time doing it. (a pun) -- It's a total win win situation!"
And the Supreme Court can't do a fucking thing about it! -- So throw away your condoms -- have a few cocktails -- and start producing some kick ass "Fetus Soil" fertilizer. --For fun and profit and the world's starving folks.
Friday, April 20, 2007
Alberto Gonzles Has Penile Dysfunction
Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)
Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because "He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."
She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."
Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion. When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy",i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because "He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."
She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."
Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion. When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy",i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Virginia Tech Killer Had Tiny Penis Like Most NRA members
Cho Seung Hui, the "Mad Gook Killer Of Virginia Tech," fit the physical profile of the average NRA member said Shitburg,Virginia County coroner Mel Dungy."This gook had a very small penis and women were known to say to him during sex" -- "Oh please --not your finger -- use your penis."
Moishe Pipick, head of psychiatry at the Einstein Institute for Sexual Disturbances said; This is what probably drove him to madness and i think all hunters and handgun owners should be given psychiatric tests; and those "Gunners" (as we refer to them clinically), with penis' under the average of three inches for NRA members should have a warning symbol tatood on their thumbs and scrotums.
For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife."Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the subsequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled us,"said Mathew Pinkowitz,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete manhood.
He concluded,"Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of "Gunners" among members of congress -- even among the female members -- who our studies indicate have huge amounts of testosterone which results in very hairy pussies -- almost like tumbleweeds, and with huge holes!Hence they don't have normal sex lives --especially since they are attracted to other "Gunners" -- and the combo of small cocks and giant hairy pussies becomes deadly in psychiatric terms."
Moishe Pipick, head of psychiatry at the Einstein Institute for Sexual Disturbances said; This is what probably drove him to madness and i think all hunters and handgun owners should be given psychiatric tests; and those "Gunners" (as we refer to them clinically), with penis' under the average of three inches for NRA members should have a warning symbol tatood on their thumbs and scrotums.
For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife."Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the subsequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled us,"said Mathew Pinkowitz,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete manhood.
He concluded,"Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of "Gunners" among members of congress -- even among the female members -- who our studies indicate have huge amounts of testosterone which results in very hairy pussies -- almost like tumbleweeds, and with huge holes!Hence they don't have normal sex lives --especially since they are attracted to other "Gunners" -- and the combo of small cocks and giant hairy pussies becomes deadly in psychiatric terms."
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
NRA Say's White Students Should Carry Guns
Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"
He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."
Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."
"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.
Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).
And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?
He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."
Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."
"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.
Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).
And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?
Monday, April 16, 2007
Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times
The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit. "It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.
Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from idealogues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).
All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).
So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?
Any recommendations?
Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from idealogues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).
All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).
So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?
Any recommendations?
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Bill O'Reilly Has Sex With Manatee In Florida River
A fisherman who was walking along the banks of the Manatee river in central Florida wandered onto the secluded estate where Bill O'reilly was vacationing. Irving Mandelbaum, a resident of nearbye Bumfuck Rapids,said; "I heard strange sounds coming from the river up ahead -- wild moaning and a lot of splashing and when i came around the bend i could hardly believe my eyes! -- There in the middle of a shallow pool in the river was Mr. O'Reilly butt humping a large Manatee!"
Mr. Mandelbaum told the bandit reporter that he was aware that the Manatee's are gentle creatures and also endangered and he could plainly see that the Manatee which Bill O'reilly was raping and sodomizing was in great distress. "O'Reilly kept trying to kiss it and he was pulling on it's whiskers as he thrust into her , and the Manatee was crying out and O'Reilly kept screaming -- "Shut up you Manatee bitch!' -- so i called the local game warden."
Ranger Elmer Woodcock said; "The saddest thing of all is that the Manatee turned out to be a young male -- this may be the first recorded incidence of male to male sex betweeen a human and a Manatee." He continued; "O'Reilly's close friend Rush Limbaugh, a frequent visitor to his estate,was caught red handed humping a female Manatee last summer during the manatee mating season; but was let off with a warning because he was blitzed on Oxycotin and agreed to enter rehab."
"So this Manatee humping thing on O'reilly's river property been going on for quite some time?", asked the reporter. "Sure has!" said the Ranger; "we have picked up almost a dozen of these sensitive creatures,dazed and disoriented, and swimming around O'Reilly's property -- and we think several are pregnant with his and Limbaughs babies."
Bill O'reilly and Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment --seems thay are really quiet when it comes to their strangely non-conservative sex lives.
Mr. Mandelbaum told the bandit reporter that he was aware that the Manatee's are gentle creatures and also endangered and he could plainly see that the Manatee which Bill O'reilly was raping and sodomizing was in great distress. "O'Reilly kept trying to kiss it and he was pulling on it's whiskers as he thrust into her , and the Manatee was crying out and O'Reilly kept screaming -- "Shut up you Manatee bitch!' -- so i called the local game warden."
Ranger Elmer Woodcock said; "The saddest thing of all is that the Manatee turned out to be a young male -- this may be the first recorded incidence of male to male sex betweeen a human and a Manatee." He continued; "O'Reilly's close friend Rush Limbaugh, a frequent visitor to his estate,was caught red handed humping a female Manatee last summer during the manatee mating season; but was let off with a warning because he was blitzed on Oxycotin and agreed to enter rehab."
"So this Manatee humping thing on O'reilly's river property been going on for quite some time?", asked the reporter. "Sure has!" said the Ranger; "we have picked up almost a dozen of these sensitive creatures,dazed and disoriented, and swimming around O'Reilly's property -- and we think several are pregnant with his and Limbaughs babies."
Bill O'reilly and Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment --seems thay are really quiet when it comes to their strangely non-conservative sex lives.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope
In an amazing revelation from Pope Benedick in the vatican yesterday; he asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; "Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatz asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's; and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?" -- "Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just got finished sticking hisa cock into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell,prior to his confession -- now what will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and find, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will have a fresh start with Goda."
'But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's gospel." The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- happy Easter."
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatz asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's; and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?" -- "Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just got finished sticking hisa cock into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell,prior to his confession -- now what will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and find, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will have a fresh start with Goda."
'But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's gospel." The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- happy Easter."
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Jesus Will Spend Easter Shacked Up With Anna Nicole Smith
Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.
Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"
"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and Rachel Ray --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."
He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."
Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"
"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and Rachel Ray --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."
He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."
Monday, April 02, 2007
Pope Does Not Believe In God Say's Priest
The Pope was overheard speaking to his assistant ,Cardinal Martini Bormano,by a young Priest who revealed the astonishing conversation to our Vatican reporter Mario Fanguli.
He said; “The Pope when questioned by the Cardinal about taking a strong moral stand and expressing outrage at the slaughter of innocents in Iraq got quite worked up and told him.” -- “You shutta your fuckina face -- you saw how crazy those murdering Muslim bastards gotta when I criticized them. Do you think I wanta to be traveling along on the Popamobile and be blown to bitsa --you fucking moron!”
“But your Holiness” the Cardinal then replied; “What about the moral authority of the Church,and if you are blowna to bitsa you will surely go straighta to be with Goda and Jesus in heaven for all Eternity.”
The Pope replied,said the the young Priest, “And I could hardly believea my ears.” He said, “Are you a fuckina crazy Martini?” he went on, “ If the Churcha remaind silent while the Nazi’s slaughtered six milliona Kikas, do you think I’ma gonna geta blown to shit over a few desert niggers? -- and,do you thinka I buy all that bullshita about the Saviour and Heaven and a Santa Clausa God with a a biga white beard -- do I look like a fucking idiot?”
He continued as the shocked Cardinal wept like a baby; “Stopa you blubbering you faggot -- I knowa whata you do with those little Altar boys -- so donta preacha to me while you are cornholing halfa the Vatican! -- hey it’s a nice fairy tale ( oopsa a pun) all this Bible bullshit, but itsa definitely not worth getting blowna to bitsa over.”
The Cardinal shot himself and that’s show business.
He said; “The Pope when questioned by the Cardinal about taking a strong moral stand and expressing outrage at the slaughter of innocents in Iraq got quite worked up and told him.” -- “You shutta your fuckina face -- you saw how crazy those murdering Muslim bastards gotta when I criticized them. Do you think I wanta to be traveling along on the Popamobile and be blown to bitsa --you fucking moron!”
“But your Holiness” the Cardinal then replied; “What about the moral authority of the Church,and if you are blowna to bitsa you will surely go straighta to be with Goda and Jesus in heaven for all Eternity.”
The Pope replied,said the the young Priest, “And I could hardly believea my ears.” He said, “Are you a fuckina crazy Martini?” he went on, “ If the Churcha remaind silent while the Nazi’s slaughtered six milliona Kikas, do you think I’ma gonna geta blown to shit over a few desert niggers? -- and,do you thinka I buy all that bullshita about the Saviour and Heaven and a Santa Clausa God with a a biga white beard -- do I look like a fucking idiot?”
He continued as the shocked Cardinal wept like a baby; “Stopa you blubbering you faggot -- I knowa whata you do with those little Altar boys -- so donta preacha to me while you are cornholing halfa the Vatican! -- hey it’s a nice fairy tale ( oopsa a pun) all this Bible bullshit, but itsa definitely not worth getting blowna to bitsa over.”
The Cardinal shot himself and that’s show business.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
America Should Out -Source Parenting Say's New Study
Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today: "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."
American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !
He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."
" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."
Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "
"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"
The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.
American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !
He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."
" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."
Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "
"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"
The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator
Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."
CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.
He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."
"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.
CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.
He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."
"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Fox Announces ""Resurrection" Fake Death Reality Show
Mike Darnhell,President of Fox TV announced a revolutionary new Reality program in which families will be informed that a close member of that family -- has died!
"Here's an example of how it worked -we have of course already shot thirteen episodes before the joke got around --haha " He continued; "The wife gets a phone call(from our producer) --so sorry Mrs. Crotchrot, this is the LA Medical Examiner's office and we have some terrible news for you --your husband Benjamin is dead! -- Be calm my dear -- he's with God at this very moment --no it won't be necessary for you to identify the remains because there are no remains --- now calm down Maa'm and let me explain. Your husband was identified from DNA samples in a tooth from the Great Whie Shark that ate him which we found washed up on the Malibu beach -- it was stuck in a piece of Mr. Crotchrot's skull. --oh please stop screaming --think of him with Jesus now--playing Golf. --Please stop crying -- okay so think of him with Moses and Abraham, playing Pinochle"
"Well you get the picture." he went on: " So we cover all the family trauma and do a bunch of backstories on the family and the deceased --we get the kids involved and the neighbors and the Clergy and the funeral is fabulous --we bring in some gospel r&b talent from "American Idol" (ooh Lordy Jesus ooh ooh uh uh) monkey music crapola -- or a Rabbi with a violin, or Matsinyahu (manishtinoye hazeh oye yoy yoy voy) the Hebey histrionics -- and the tears flow like Evian and people moan and cry and faint and throw themselves on the casket -- You know! -- the whole reality shtick that the moronic viewers eat up like shit candy."
"But"Mike continued; at least this program has a happy ending and a moral point of view -- when Mr.Crotchrot jumps out of the casket --not only is their wild relief (ah yes - dissapointment in some cases) -but it really demonstrates what's important in life in a clear and sobering fashion -- a real wake-up call! -- and -- it offers hope to folks who have been informed of sudden deaths in their families -- who can now hope and pray that thay will pop up at their funeral as part of a television hoax?
Our Reporter asked; "You think that justifies your faking someone's death --scaring loved ones out of their minds with grief -- the shock and trauma and long lasting impact on the children?" -- "Now just hold on right there Miss Gullible. There have only been two heart attacks and one stroke so far,and the children spend half their lives with digital baby sitters that make this show look like "Little House On The Prairie".
"And besides -- who gives a fuck -- it's Television --you don't like it --turn it the fuck off. "
"Here's an example of how it worked -we have of course already shot thirteen episodes before the joke got around --haha " He continued; "The wife gets a phone call(from our producer) --so sorry Mrs. Crotchrot, this is the LA Medical Examiner's office and we have some terrible news for you --your husband Benjamin is dead! -- Be calm my dear -- he's with God at this very moment --no it won't be necessary for you to identify the remains because there are no remains --- now calm down Maa'm and let me explain. Your husband was identified from DNA samples in a tooth from the Great Whie Shark that ate him which we found washed up on the Malibu beach -- it was stuck in a piece of Mr. Crotchrot's skull. --oh please stop screaming --think of him with Jesus now--playing Golf. --Please stop crying -- okay so think of him with Moses and Abraham, playing Pinochle"
"Well you get the picture." he went on: " So we cover all the family trauma and do a bunch of backstories on the family and the deceased --we get the kids involved and the neighbors and the Clergy and the funeral is fabulous --we bring in some gospel r&b talent from "American Idol" (ooh Lordy Jesus ooh ooh uh uh) monkey music crapola -- or a Rabbi with a violin, or Matsinyahu (manishtinoye hazeh oye yoy yoy voy) the Hebey histrionics -- and the tears flow like Evian and people moan and cry and faint and throw themselves on the casket -- You know! -- the whole reality shtick that the moronic viewers eat up like shit candy."
"But"Mike continued; at least this program has a happy ending and a moral point of view -- when Mr.Crotchrot jumps out of the casket --not only is their wild relief (ah yes - dissapointment in some cases) -but it really demonstrates what's important in life in a clear and sobering fashion -- a real wake-up call! -- and -- it offers hope to folks who have been informed of sudden deaths in their families -- who can now hope and pray that thay will pop up at their funeral as part of a television hoax?
Our Reporter asked; "You think that justifies your faking someone's death --scaring loved ones out of their minds with grief -- the shock and trauma and long lasting impact on the children?" -- "Now just hold on right there Miss Gullible. There have only been two heart attacks and one stroke so far,and the children spend half their lives with digital baby sitters that make this show look like "Little House On The Prairie".
"And besides -- who gives a fuck -- it's Television --you don't like it --turn it the fuck off. "
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Tony Snow Rats Out Cheney and Rumsfeld As Viscious Murderers
White House Press Secretary,Tony Snow,after finding out that he has liver cancer yesterday.decided to come clean,and share his knowledge of what he has discovered about the Bush administration - "A Confession," as he put it.
He stated,"The American people have a right to know what a sleazy bunch of egomaniacal pricks and patological killers this bunch is! -- and let me first of all start out with quite a shocker! -- The President told me two weeks ago when i asked him if it wasn't time to admit that the Iraqui situation is hopeless"
"Tony" he said, "i would have pulled out long ago -- but Cheney and Rumsfeld told me straight out -- Mr. President, if you pull the plug on Iraq,we will have your wife and daughters tortured and raped and then burned alive after we force them to eat Barney -- then we will drown your Mother and Father in the icy waters up there in Maine,after first forcing Barbara to blow us -- then we will poison your brother Jeb and his whole family -- then we will violate and dismember Condi Rice -then we will take your best friend Karl Rove and cut out his tongue and pour gasoline down his throat and set it on fire- then we will skin alive your spik buddy,Attorney General Gonzales, and then we will sodomize Harriet Meyers and disembowel her --and we will make the whole thing look like Iraqi fanaticks did it."
I said,"Mr. President, they could never get away with it." and he replied, "Tony, they have killed and dislocated millions of helpless Iraquis with the way they fucked up this war -- and countless numbers of our own soldiers -killed and maimed for life. And the money,Tony, -- the money thats been wasted and the pockets that have been lined and Tony -- the Oil -these folks have so much blood on their hands and so much at stake --do you think their worried about a few more casualties?"
When reached for comment -- The President and Vice President and ex Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said basically the same thing; "Poor Tony The cancer has eaten his brains away,"
He stated,"The American people have a right to know what a sleazy bunch of egomaniacal pricks and patological killers this bunch is! -- and let me first of all start out with quite a shocker! -- The President told me two weeks ago when i asked him if it wasn't time to admit that the Iraqui situation is hopeless"
"Tony" he said, "i would have pulled out long ago -- but Cheney and Rumsfeld told me straight out -- Mr. President, if you pull the plug on Iraq,we will have your wife and daughters tortured and raped and then burned alive after we force them to eat Barney -- then we will drown your Mother and Father in the icy waters up there in Maine,after first forcing Barbara to blow us -- then we will poison your brother Jeb and his whole family -- then we will violate and dismember Condi Rice -then we will take your best friend Karl Rove and cut out his tongue and pour gasoline down his throat and set it on fire- then we will skin alive your spik buddy,Attorney General Gonzales, and then we will sodomize Harriet Meyers and disembowel her --and we will make the whole thing look like Iraqi fanaticks did it."
I said,"Mr. President, they could never get away with it." and he replied, "Tony, they have killed and dislocated millions of helpless Iraquis with the way they fucked up this war -- and countless numbers of our own soldiers -killed and maimed for life. And the money,Tony, -- the money thats been wasted and the pockets that have been lined and Tony -- the Oil -these folks have so much blood on their hands and so much at stake --do you think their worried about a few more casualties?"
When reached for comment -- The President and Vice President and ex Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said basically the same thing; "Poor Tony The cancer has eaten his brains away,"
Monday, March 26, 2007
Arab Muslims are Constipated - Bush To Drop Stool Softeners
A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixty -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.Dr Moishe Pipick ,Chief Proctologist for The Center for Stool Physics, in Israel stated: "These Folks are really backed up! Some of them have never taken a good dump, and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your attitude."
"And the Religious leaders ,who are fucking nuts to begin with -- and who don't drink or do drugs; and whose women look like human hefty bags,and they can't even take a decent shit?" -- "Oye vey!" said Dr.Steven Marks,prominent Israeli Vulcanologist."If they all shit at once -- it will be a seismic event!"
President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region. "Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."
"And the Religious leaders ,who are fucking nuts to begin with -- and who don't drink or do drugs; and whose women look like human hefty bags,and they can't even take a decent shit?" -- "Oye vey!" said Dr.Steven Marks,prominent Israeli Vulcanologist."If they all shit at once -- it will be a seismic event!"
President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region. "Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy
With her news ratings in the toilet--- Les Moonbeam,Prexy of CBS,and the brainchild behind paying Couric twenty mill to exit the Today Show and bring ratings gold to The CBS Evening News -- especially among younger viewers -- made a revolutionary announcement today -- and one with far reaching implications for the future of Television News anchoring and field reporting.
He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”
He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”
“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”
“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”
‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.
Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”
He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”
He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”
“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”
“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”
‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.
Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids
Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.
He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”
Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”
They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .
He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”
Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”
They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"
With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!
And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!
And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil
Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "
He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"
President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "
He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"
President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
Monday, March 19, 2007
Battle Dwarfs To Move Into Baghdad "Splurge"
The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.
He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).
Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)
"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."
He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).
Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)
"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Israel To Put Birth Control Agent In Arab Water
Dr.Moishe Pipick. -- Minister of The Israeli Experimental Defense Agency -- responded to a leaked and classified initiative by his agency to stop the out of control birth rate in the Arab world:
"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?
He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."
"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"
Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:
And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"
He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.
"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )
However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.
The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.
Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"
"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?
He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."
"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"
Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:
And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"
He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.
"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )
However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.
The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.
Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Kirstie Alley Gives Birth To Twenty Pound Black Baby Boy
The wide hipped -- georgous earthmother/actor -- best known for her battles with the bulge -- gave birth to a twenty pound black baby in Lenox Hill hospital in New York City last night. ( so now we know what those extra wide skirts were concealing).
Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."
The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"
Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."
He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"
Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."
The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"
Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."
He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"
Friday, March 16, 2007
St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking
"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Pope Caught Masturbating In A Vatican Confessional Chamber
In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outside the pussy he explained) --are sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?
The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?
The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Fox annnounces"I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney"
Fox entertainment president Moishe Pipick announced it's revolutionary new reality show "I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney", starring George Clooney. He said: "women are lining up by the thousands to be selected as finalists - where ten married women will spend a week in his mansion on the Hawaiian island of Molokai where they have agreed to have sex with him -- including but not limited to oral and anal sex -- and will compete for his attention in the hope that he will choose them as his "hawaiian sex slave". -- Winners will receive one million dollars and a week with George alone in his mansion. --All the women will go through an on air judging process similar to American Idol except they will perform a strip tease and undergo cross examination by the celebrity judges with their current husbands , family and children (all contestants must have at least three children and be married for a minimum of ten years.)
All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.
All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.
Britney Pregnant With Dr.Phil's Baby
Confidential sources at the Hazeldon Recovery Center in Minnesota confirmed that Britney Spears is pregnant with a baby girl and that the father is the reknowned television therapist Dr. Phil.
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
Monday, March 12, 2007
Focus On Candidates Moves To Oral Sex Behavior -- Initial Evaluation below:
The religious right has shifted it's concern from celibacy as it weighs in on the presidential primary race ; "thet have all been married two or three times and are basically a bunch of whore mongers so we have to shift the focus to some more relevent criteria." said Paul Dotson .head of The American Family Council -- a conservative group whose real name should be " TheRepressed and Constipated Hall of Fame."
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
Saturday, March 10, 2007
kike Mayor To Ban "Nigger" But Allow MotherFucker Says Spic Manhattan Asseblyman
Manhattan Assemblyman Jose Tostada said at a City Hall news briefing yesterday; "Mayor Bloomberg should concentrate more on the root causes of intolerance and ethnic and racial bigotry instead of employing the "Epithet Police" to watch over us in his recent moves to criminilize the utterance of the horrible word"Nigger" in New York City -- we already have laws that deal with situations like, "Hey nigger i'm gonna fuck you up!" --the operable phrase there is "fuck you up!" --and you will do time for that"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
Friday, March 09, 2007
Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"
Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Cheney's Dick Latest Victim In Coulter Wars
Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly told his homosexual daughter; "I wouldn't fuck her with your cock!" -- referring to the rumors that he is the latest victim to fall prey to what is now being referred to by the medical community as: "Coulter's Cunt Virus" --or CCV.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Bill O'Reilly Get's Clap From Anne Coulter
The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Monday, March 05, 2007
Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton
"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial
Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
