It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .
Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"
"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"
"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"
Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"
'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"
"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."
He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it!"
"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"
Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"
But when Mike --when already?
Friday, August 24, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Fox Announces Penile Dysfunction 911
Coming on the heels of the successful "Nannies 911" and "Neighbors 911" - the hit reality shows produced by Granada Entertainment; Fox TV's master of cultural enlightenment through family friendly TV -- Mike "darling" Darnell -- announced today:
"Penile Dysfunction 911" - will provide a valuable outreach function to millions of American families who are severely impacted by this horrible problem --he continued; "When the man of the house can't get it up everyone in the household is down"
Mike went on; "The frustration permeates the whole family as an aura of negativity doom and sometimes even violent behavior sets in -and of course there's the infidelity that arises from the little woman reaching out elsewhere for the "high hard one" (to coin a baseball metaphor) that she can't get at home."
"Our team of clinical psychiatrists and psychologists and family social workers will be prepared to employ the best therapeutic and drug therapy available in today's arsenal of modern medicine - to tackle the problem.'
"And --we will have the " 911 love van " stocked with six women who make the Victoria Secret models look like boys and know a few things about waking up the old one eyed monstor - and if they can make a Hollywood executive with an eightball and a quart of Remy in his blood stream rise to the occasion - your average penile impaired male should be - no problema"
He concluded; "And if we can't jumpstart the dude? Well then the whole family gets an all expense paid vacation to the " World Penile Dysfunction Clinic" in Basil Switzerland and the little woman gets three month's of guaranteed orgasms -- and an all expense paid divorce."
"Now that's what i call a fair deal and great Television!"
"Penile Dysfunction 911" - will provide a valuable outreach function to millions of American families who are severely impacted by this horrible problem --he continued; "When the man of the house can't get it up everyone in the household is down"
Mike went on; "The frustration permeates the whole family as an aura of negativity doom and sometimes even violent behavior sets in -and of course there's the infidelity that arises from the little woman reaching out elsewhere for the "high hard one" (to coin a baseball metaphor) that she can't get at home."
"Our team of clinical psychiatrists and psychologists and family social workers will be prepared to employ the best therapeutic and drug therapy available in today's arsenal of modern medicine - to tackle the problem.'
"And --we will have the " 911 love van " stocked with six women who make the Victoria Secret models look like boys and know a few things about waking up the old one eyed monstor - and if they can make a Hollywood executive with an eightball and a quart of Remy in his blood stream rise to the occasion - your average penile impaired male should be - no problema"
He concluded; "And if we can't jumpstart the dude? Well then the whole family gets an all expense paid vacation to the " World Penile Dysfunction Clinic" in Basil Switzerland and the little woman gets three month's of guaranteed orgasms -- and an all expense paid divorce."
"Now that's what i call a fair deal and great Television!"
Monday, August 20, 2007
Vick Pleads Guilty To Hanging And Drowning Dogs
The following is the original bandit exclusive on Michael Vick on July 26th - and they call dogs animals?
Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism.
He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs.""He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"
Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.
Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism.
He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs.""He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"
Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Common Folks Are Just Jerks To These Rich Scum Bags _ Vote Edwards
"All of the old-timers knew that subprime mortgages were what we called neutron loans — they killed the people and left the houses. The deals made in 2005 and 2006 were going to run into trouble because the credit pendulum at the time was stuck at easy."LOUIS S. BARNES, a partner at Boulder West, a mortgage banking firm
let's stop kidding ourselves! -- Even the glorious founders of our Republic didn't think the great unwashed masses were worth shit --no property no vote -women no vote -- slaves - no problema --income tax --are you kidding --everybody pays on goods and services (rich and poor alike -the same)
Hey-there ain't any better place to go -- so how about you all take time out from using your maxed out credit cards and buying some more shit you don't need - just to get away from your fucked up exploited lives --or from watching some crappy TV show -and vote for John Edwards.
He's an asshole too --but he is betting his political future on being the candidate for us poor and manipulated schmucks.
Or do you want to go on being sold "neutron loans" from people who laugh at you all the way to the bank --smoking twenty dollar cigars at their country clubs.
And if your worrried about security -- Al Quaeda is still laughing at how pitiful our intelligence resources are --we still have about five people who can speak Arabic at the CIA because they are kinda hard to find among Religious Conservatives (a prerequisite for any hiring by the Bushhies)
If you don't care -if your not pissed -- fuck you all --you deserve getting it up your collective assholes by the power brokers!
let's stop kidding ourselves! -- Even the glorious founders of our Republic didn't think the great unwashed masses were worth shit --no property no vote -women no vote -- slaves - no problema --income tax --are you kidding --everybody pays on goods and services (rich and poor alike -the same)
Hey-there ain't any better place to go -- so how about you all take time out from using your maxed out credit cards and buying some more shit you don't need - just to get away from your fucked up exploited lives --or from watching some crappy TV show -and vote for John Edwards.
He's an asshole too --but he is betting his political future on being the candidate for us poor and manipulated schmucks.
Or do you want to go on being sold "neutron loans" from people who laugh at you all the way to the bank --smoking twenty dollar cigars at their country clubs.
And if your worrried about security -- Al Quaeda is still laughing at how pitiful our intelligence resources are --we still have about five people who can speak Arabic at the CIA because they are kinda hard to find among Religious Conservatives (a prerequisite for any hiring by the Bushhies)
If you don't care -if your not pissed -- fuck you all --you deserve getting it up your collective assholes by the power brokers!
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Jenna Bush Forced To Marry Henry The Wimp
Jenna Bush,fun loving and filled with vitality and spirit; has been pushed into an engagement with a waspy young republican conservative activist from a prominent (connected) West Virginia family -- rednecks with brooks brothers shirts -- who is getting his MBA and has a bright future in money and republican politics.
This marriage will last about as long as it takes for Jenna to find someone who can light up her G spot --and spunky jenna won't be bullied by momma Bush for too long.
A Texas friend of Laura's told the bandit; "Laura told Jenna that she didn't want her marrying anyone like her drunken playboy father was when they first met, and that if it is wasn't for Billy Graham GW would have wound up as a goofy drunkard."
She said; "Laura told Jenna to forget about all those silly notions about passion and spontaneity and exciting love and find a good Christian Republican Conservative from a fine family -- and no Kikes or dark skinned types."
Well, unless Henry turns out to be one fine hunka munka dive bomber -- he ain't gonna last long -- i'm betting on Jenna to find a real man!
This marriage will last about as long as it takes for Jenna to find someone who can light up her G spot --and spunky jenna won't be bullied by momma Bush for too long.
A Texas friend of Laura's told the bandit; "Laura told Jenna that she didn't want her marrying anyone like her drunken playboy father was when they first met, and that if it is wasn't for Billy Graham GW would have wound up as a goofy drunkard."
She said; "Laura told Jenna to forget about all those silly notions about passion and spontaneity and exciting love and find a good Christian Republican Conservative from a fine family -- and no Kikes or dark skinned types."
Well, unless Henry turns out to be one fine hunka munka dive bomber -- he ain't gonna last long -- i'm betting on Jenna to find a real man!
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Muslims Extremists Set New Standard For Inhumanity
NY Times Report on Bombing Massacre Killing 190 in Kurdish area of Iraq 8-14-07
“The group has long been a minority in Iraq, and after some Yazidis stoned a Yazidi woman to death for dating a Sunni Arab man in April, members of the sect became frequent targets of Sunni attacks. When a video of the Yazidi woman being stoned appeared on the Internet, gunmen stopped minibuses full of Yazidi laborers and killed 23 of them. Many Yazidis have recently moved to villages farther west, where they make up a majority. The deadly assault on Tuesday crushed the hope that there would be safety in numbers — especially near the border with Syria, which American officials have long described as an entry point for foreign fighters.
The explosions also came only a few hours after Iraqi leaders met for lunch in advance of a “crisis summit” meeting to discuss how to solve their sectarian divisions and smooth out their knotted government.
The gathering, like many before it, produced no results. An aide to President Jalal Talabani called the lunch “an icebreaker,” but Adnan Dulaimi, leader of the largest Sunni bloc, said nothing political was discussed.
“It was only an invitation for lunch,” he said. “We didn’t engage in any negotiations.”
That's cool dude -- Let’s do lunch sometime! -When you get back from vacation.
“The group has long been a minority in Iraq, and after some Yazidis stoned a Yazidi woman to death for dating a Sunni Arab man in April, members of the sect became frequent targets of Sunni attacks. When a video of the Yazidi woman being stoned appeared on the Internet, gunmen stopped minibuses full of Yazidi laborers and killed 23 of them. Many Yazidis have recently moved to villages farther west, where they make up a majority. The deadly assault on Tuesday crushed the hope that there would be safety in numbers — especially near the border with Syria, which American officials have long described as an entry point for foreign fighters.
The explosions also came only a few hours after Iraqi leaders met for lunch in advance of a “crisis summit” meeting to discuss how to solve their sectarian divisions and smooth out their knotted government.
The gathering, like many before it, produced no results. An aide to President Jalal Talabani called the lunch “an icebreaker,” but Adnan Dulaimi, leader of the largest Sunni bloc, said nothing political was discussed.
“It was only an invitation for lunch,” he said. “We didn’t engage in any negotiations.”
That's cool dude -- Let’s do lunch sometime! -When you get back from vacation.
Monday, August 13, 2007
So Long Karl -- And Die Slowly
Can you believe this delusional moron?
"At month’s end, I will join those whom you meet in your travels — the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you. Like them, I will ask for God’s continued gifts of strength and wisdom for you and your work, your vital work for our country and the world and for the Almighty’s continued blessing of our great country."
God used you as a way to destroy the bible belted warped evangelical political ideology that you mainlined into the Republican party -- like heroin -- and give the democrats a political franchise that even they can't fuck up!
I hope you are haunted by the cries of all the innocent men women and children that you helped maim and mutilate and destroy in Iraq with your born again - woopedy doo Democratic vision for a people you did not and do not understand and never will.
So you and your neanderthal buddy Bush can go huntin and a fishin and a prayin while the world recovers from your blind grubby power grab and thankfully short stroll upon the political landscape.
Reason and competency will grow up strong through the dry weeds of your hypocrisy and misguided and blind faith based ideological delusions -- and vision and clarity and thoughtful collective endeavor will rise again.
So long you fucking asshole - eat shit and die!
"At month’s end, I will join those whom you meet in your travels — the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you. Like them, I will ask for God’s continued gifts of strength and wisdom for you and your work, your vital work for our country and the world and for the Almighty’s continued blessing of our great country."
God used you as a way to destroy the bible belted warped evangelical political ideology that you mainlined into the Republican party -- like heroin -- and give the democrats a political franchise that even they can't fuck up!
I hope you are haunted by the cries of all the innocent men women and children that you helped maim and mutilate and destroy in Iraq with your born again - woopedy doo Democratic vision for a people you did not and do not understand and never will.
So you and your neanderthal buddy Bush can go huntin and a fishin and a prayin while the world recovers from your blind grubby power grab and thankfully short stroll upon the political landscape.
Reason and competency will grow up strong through the dry weeds of your hypocrisy and misguided and blind faith based ideological delusions -- and vision and clarity and thoughtful collective endeavor will rise again.
So long you fucking asshole - eat shit and die!
Saturday, August 11, 2007
katie Couric Will Kill To Boost Ratings
As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!
Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins: Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over and becoming the worlds first actual news dummy -- and .having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke!
On September first, the bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg,
has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report; "Katie Couric kills for you!"
Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -ive tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."
Katie concluded; "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."
Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins: Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over and becoming the worlds first actual news dummy -- and .having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke!
On September first, the bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg,
has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report; "Katie Couric kills for you!"
Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -ive tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."
Katie concluded; "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."
Friday, August 10, 2007
Celebrity Colon Polyps Fetch Huge Prices
The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars
"A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab technician.
Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time).
Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million.
"It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet."
He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."
It's a cleansing thought!
"A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab technician.
Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time).
Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million.
"It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet."
He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."
It's a cleansing thought!
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
NYC Council AttemptsTo Abolish "Bitch"--Vulgar March Planned
NY Times Today
The term is hateful and deeply sexist, said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the word, saying it creates “a paradigm of shame and indignity” for all women.
What's next from the word police? - Well first they banned the "N" word and now their target is the "B' word! Can you fucking believe this escalation of political correctness crap?
How about parents who call their kids stupid and fat and jerk-off and every esteem damaging reference imagine able -- no concern there -why? -because people like Darlene Mealy are politically opportunistic cuntheads.
Well were not gonna take it anymore! The Digibandit has organized a "Vulgar March" -- All defenders of free and unfettered filthy speech will meet at seven am on Saturday August 11th at central Park and Fifth Avenue.
We will march to City Hall screaming a list of obscenities that will be provided and conclude with a chanting of " Darlene You Filthy Cunt" from Houston Street to Whitehall Street.
Upon arriving at City Hall there will be a "Vulgar Dance Party " with live music from a popular village band "The Wild Cocksuckers" and a Jamaican buffet with food donated by a famous Soho Caribbean caterer -- "The Jerk Niggas"
Dogs and children are welcome - so come and march and strike a blow against Bullshit -- and get really Vulgar -- and enjoy!
The term is hateful and deeply sexist, said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the word, saying it creates “a paradigm of shame and indignity” for all women.
What's next from the word police? - Well first they banned the "N" word and now their target is the "B' word! Can you fucking believe this escalation of political correctness crap?
How about parents who call their kids stupid and fat and jerk-off and every esteem damaging reference imagine able -- no concern there -why? -because people like Darlene Mealy are politically opportunistic cuntheads.
Well were not gonna take it anymore! The Digibandit has organized a "Vulgar March" -- All defenders of free and unfettered filthy speech will meet at seven am on Saturday August 11th at central Park and Fifth Avenue.
We will march to City Hall screaming a list of obscenities that will be provided and conclude with a chanting of " Darlene You Filthy Cunt" from Houston Street to Whitehall Street.
Upon arriving at City Hall there will be a "Vulgar Dance Party " with live music from a popular village band "The Wild Cocksuckers" and a Jamaican buffet with food donated by a famous Soho Caribbean caterer -- "The Jerk Niggas"
Dogs and children are welcome - so come and march and strike a blow against Bullshit -- and get really Vulgar -- and enjoy!
Saturday, August 04, 2007
More Damning Cunt Evidence From Rudy's Wives
NY Times Editorial Today
Animal-lovers around the nation may also be interested to know that Giuliani’s second wife once asked for $1,140 a month in dog support for Goalie, the family retriever. Or that the third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.
The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question. This week a spokesman said he didn’t know, adding: “In the 1970s that was an acceptable medical technique,” which I think we can probably take for a yes.
So- do we want a man who marries women who probably belong in mental institutions -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?
Can world leaders - many who are now thankfully women -- respect a United States president with a cunty wife?
Sorry Rudy -- we need a leader who knows a cunt when he sees one - I'm switching to Hillary!
It takes one to know one.
Animal-lovers around the nation may also be interested to know that Giuliani’s second wife once asked for $1,140 a month in dog support for Goalie, the family retriever. Or that the third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.
The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question. This week a spokesman said he didn’t know, adding: “In the 1970s that was an acceptable medical technique,” which I think we can probably take for a yes.
So- do we want a man who marries women who probably belong in mental institutions -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?
Can world leaders - many who are now thankfully women -- respect a United States president with a cunty wife?
Sorry Rudy -- we need a leader who knows a cunt when he sees one - I'm switching to Hillary!
It takes one to know one.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
Rudy Giuliani Married A Real Cunt
So this is the woman that Rudy left his second wife for?
"So Judith was expected to be part of the New Hampshire health care tour. But her plans seemed to have changed about the time a new Vanity Fair profile emerged, one that makes her sound like a particularly unpleasant combination of Catherine the Great and Britney Spears. The article, by Judy Bachrach, accuses her of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07
So --either Judith can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch --or Rudy is deep down -- just another pussy whipped phony!
Either way he's lost my vote.
"So Judith was expected to be part of the New Hampshire health care tour. But her plans seemed to have changed about the time a new Vanity Fair profile emerged, one that makes her sound like a particularly unpleasant combination of Catherine the Great and Britney Spears. The article, by Judy Bachrach, accuses her of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07
So --either Judith can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch --or Rudy is deep down -- just another pussy whipped phony!
Either way he's lost my vote.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Bandit Bulletin -- Answer To Iraqi Quagmire --North Korea
Ok -- Bush and the neocons went in and fucked up everything possible. and bullshit and incompetence and misguided ideology ruled and are still the order of the day.
We killed a ton of Innocent people and displaced all the good and competent Iraqis --and strengthened all our enemies and pissed off most of our friends and allies --and threw away billions on wasted projects -and tens of thousands of brave young Americans got wasted and mutilated.
But --But -- But a very cool thing happened! We have established a central battlefield in which to take on the asshole Jihadis and crazed Muslims -- who for whatever fucked up reasons have crawled out of their shitholes to come kill us Infidels in Iraq.
So --let's kill as many of these death worshiping youngsters as possible,as fast as possible, for as long as it takes --- ten or twenty or one-hundred years,like in Europe in the good old days. --But -- NOT with American soldiers!
What? --here's how.-- We go to Il Jong Dingdong the mad fucked up leader of North Korea and offer to pay him one dollar per soldier per day for one million of his craziest gooks!
Now --these soldiers will kill extremists 24/7 and love it just to get three squares of USA military rations. On top of that they will be warm for the first time in their lives. (and maybe we throw in some hookers for every twenty Jehad's tongues or forty balls they bring in.)
Il Jong Dingdong will love the cash and we'll even increase the supply of French cognac and hot pussy and caviar that he craves --and like i said, he won't have to pay his gook Iraqi army a dime.(and we will save a fortune and our troops can come home.)
Everyone will report to General Petraeus so things don't get out of our control and supervision because when the gooks get through we will want to "save the hearts and minds" of the two or three hundred normal Iraquis that will be left.
Pretty cool -- huh?
Oh - and if the North Koreans need some backup --we buy a shitload of crazed brothers from The Congo. (that might be too cruel though)
We killed a ton of Innocent people and displaced all the good and competent Iraqis --and strengthened all our enemies and pissed off most of our friends and allies --and threw away billions on wasted projects -and tens of thousands of brave young Americans got wasted and mutilated.
But --But -- But a very cool thing happened! We have established a central battlefield in which to take on the asshole Jihadis and crazed Muslims -- who for whatever fucked up reasons have crawled out of their shitholes to come kill us Infidels in Iraq.
So --let's kill as many of these death worshiping youngsters as possible,as fast as possible, for as long as it takes --- ten or twenty or one-hundred years,like in Europe in the good old days. --But -- NOT with American soldiers!
What? --here's how.-- We go to Il Jong Dingdong the mad fucked up leader of North Korea and offer to pay him one dollar per soldier per day for one million of his craziest gooks!
Now --these soldiers will kill extremists 24/7 and love it just to get three squares of USA military rations. On top of that they will be warm for the first time in their lives. (and maybe we throw in some hookers for every twenty Jehad's tongues or forty balls they bring in.)
Il Jong Dingdong will love the cash and we'll even increase the supply of French cognac and hot pussy and caviar that he craves --and like i said, he won't have to pay his gook Iraqi army a dime.(and we will save a fortune and our troops can come home.)
Everyone will report to General Petraeus so things don't get out of our control and supervision because when the gooks get through we will want to "save the hearts and minds" of the two or three hundred normal Iraquis that will be left.
Pretty cool -- huh?
Oh - and if the North Koreans need some backup --we buy a shitload of crazed brothers from The Congo. (that might be too cruel though)
Friday, July 27, 2007
South Koreans Should Wear Dresses
And --along with Italy who caved into a Taliban hostage threat,thus releasing the mad dog in charge of the South Korean hostage taking, should try and figure out just when and where they lost their balls.
Their response should be: "You kill our hostages and we will send one-hundred thousand of the fiercest gooks on earth over to Afghanistan."
Jesus Christ has history taught us nothing? --There should be one million troops from all over the world in Iraq and in Afghanistan -- are we going to let maniacs run roughshod over a civilized world with vast technological and manpower superiority.
Are the UK and The USA the only governments with balls left on earth?
These people are fucking serious -- it's only a matter of time before they hit with WMD -- and you want to see death and chaos and goodbye TV and shopping?
These crazy bastards need to be overwhelmed with force and rage and our own brand of no holds barred -- zero tolerance cruelty!
The fucking Italians better reread the history of the Roman Empire --these Muslim sickos make the Vandals and Goths look like punk rock bands -- and they had bows and arrows, not nuclear and biological weapons -- and they didn't like to die.
And the South Koreans should harken back to those happy days when the Japs were fucking their women and children in the ass for fun -- the Taliban make the world War Two Japs rook (ha) like girl scouts -- and it's "Oh please -- pretty please release our hostages."
Are you fucking nuts or delusional? Where are your warrior balls? --You better go and find them or islamic fascism will stick them in your mouths after they cut off your heads.
No wonder we have to keep fifty thousand American troops in South Korea to protect our pansy allies from North Korea. Maybe it's all that shitty food?
Their response should be: "You kill our hostages and we will send one-hundred thousand of the fiercest gooks on earth over to Afghanistan."
Jesus Christ has history taught us nothing? --There should be one million troops from all over the world in Iraq and in Afghanistan -- are we going to let maniacs run roughshod over a civilized world with vast technological and manpower superiority.
Are the UK and The USA the only governments with balls left on earth?
These people are fucking serious -- it's only a matter of time before they hit with WMD -- and you want to see death and chaos and goodbye TV and shopping?
These crazy bastards need to be overwhelmed with force and rage and our own brand of no holds barred -- zero tolerance cruelty!
The fucking Italians better reread the history of the Roman Empire --these Muslim sickos make the Vandals and Goths look like punk rock bands -- and they had bows and arrows, not nuclear and biological weapons -- and they didn't like to die.
And the South Koreans should harken back to those happy days when the Japs were fucking their women and children in the ass for fun -- the Taliban make the world War Two Japs rook (ha) like girl scouts -- and it's "Oh please -- pretty please release our hostages."
Are you fucking nuts or delusional? Where are your warrior balls? --You better go and find them or islamic fascism will stick them in your mouths after they cut off your heads.
No wonder we have to keep fifty thousand American troops in South Korea to protect our pansy allies from North Korea. Maybe it's all that shitty food?
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.
She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"
Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism. He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"
Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs."
"He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"
Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"
Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.
She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"
Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism. He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"
Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs."
"He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"
Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"
Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Tammy Bakker Was A Man
Tammy Faye Bakker, the diminutive and elaborately coiffed gospel singer who, with her first husband, Jim Bakker, built a commercial empire around television evangelism only to see it collapse in sex and money scandals, died Friday at her home near Kansas City, Mo. She was 65.
A secret report leaked to the bandit by an assistant in the Kansas City medical examiners office has disclosed that; "When we laid her out on the table in the morgue we all were in shock! -- She/he had a cock!
"It's always been a running joke that she looked like a drag queen but she was always ranting on about her phony religious bullshit and God hates queers and all that nasty ignorant Christian right crapola" said our secret source. "Who would have thought she was a fucking guy?"
He continued ; "And this definitely confirms what a queer wacko her husband. reverend Jim was -- you know i am now convinced that anyone who says he is a reverend should automatically be considered a sick fuck deep down."
"I wouldn't even be surprised if Reverend Billy Graham was a closet drag queen, which would explain his unusual spiritual relationship with Barbara Bush and her retarded born again son -- our president."
"I wouldn't even be shocked if when they finally lay out that old crone Barbara that she also sported a cock."
"Well,what was Tammy's cause of death?" The bandit morgue reporter asked. The Morgician replied; " I could be wrong, and we have lot's of probing to do -- but their is some evidence that her death was caused by a severe colon infection from a giant dildo vibrator that may have exploded in his asshole"
Boy --those Christan fundamentalists are wild folks!
A secret report leaked to the bandit by an assistant in the Kansas City medical examiners office has disclosed that; "When we laid her out on the table in the morgue we all were in shock! -- She/he had a cock!
"It's always been a running joke that she looked like a drag queen but she was always ranting on about her phony religious bullshit and God hates queers and all that nasty ignorant Christian right crapola" said our secret source. "Who would have thought she was a fucking guy?"
He continued ; "And this definitely confirms what a queer wacko her husband. reverend Jim was -- you know i am now convinced that anyone who says he is a reverend should automatically be considered a sick fuck deep down."
"I wouldn't even be surprised if Reverend Billy Graham was a closet drag queen, which would explain his unusual spiritual relationship with Barbara Bush and her retarded born again son -- our president."
"I wouldn't even be shocked if when they finally lay out that old crone Barbara that she also sported a cock."
"Well,what was Tammy's cause of death?" The bandit morgue reporter asked. The Morgician replied; " I could be wrong, and we have lot's of probing to do -- but their is some evidence that her death was caused by a severe colon infection from a giant dildo vibrator that may have exploded in his asshole"
Boy --those Christan fundamentalists are wild folks!
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Read This First Paragraph And Then Puke
“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”
To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.
Now, you know that Eric Love would fuck a snake if it slithered across his crotch!
And this is the kind of crap message that the Bush administration is spending huge amount of our tax dollars on to stop high school kids from fucking!
If you want to stop teenagers from fucking --here is the message:
"Hi young hotty -- don't fuck any man with a weeny that's not at least ten inches long --and when you find that man --marry and worship him for the rest of your life! -- in the meantime have fun and stay busy by sucking any weeny you can get your hands on. And use a condom!"
Amen
ps -- we seriously have to consider putting all these religious nuts on a boat to the Congo.
To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.
Now, you know that Eric Love would fuck a snake if it slithered across his crotch!
And this is the kind of crap message that the Bush administration is spending huge amount of our tax dollars on to stop high school kids from fucking!
If you want to stop teenagers from fucking --here is the message:
"Hi young hotty -- don't fuck any man with a weeny that's not at least ten inches long --and when you find that man --marry and worship him for the rest of your life! -- in the meantime have fun and stay busy by sucking any weeny you can get your hands on. And use a condom!"
Amen
ps -- we seriously have to consider putting all these religious nuts on a boat to the Congo.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Pope Should Apologize For Ass Fucking By Priests -- And A Special Message From The Digibandit
A day after agreeing to a record $660 million settlement with 508 victims of sexual abuse by members of the clergy in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, Cardinal Roger Mahony apologized to the victims for “this terrible sin and crime” and said he hoped the settlement would bring a “final resolution."
This horror story is probably a good time to address what people say to me on a regular basis; "You know bandit -- by being so extreme with your filthy language you transcend the basic parameters of satire and fall into unfocused pique and undisciplined and ignorant rage!" - I made that up --what they say is ;"You are a foul mouthed angry Jew!
Well, let's get some things straight!
The point of my linguistic extremism is that there is some behavior - (like religio child molestation and terrorism), for example, that does not deserve the blessing of dignified conversation -- or the validation of ANY form of normative discussion. Such behavior needs to be isolated in the context of it's "outrage" and wrapped in a syntax commensurrate with it's cruel and sick pathology -- with absolute zero tolerence for it's existence. -- The narrative equivalent of squashing a bug!
Yes indeedy, there is a desperate need to empirically analyze and evaluate the root causes of vicious and nihilistic human behavior and to gain understanding and devise treatment options and discuss these matters in a non barbaric context;-- but -- the survival of our loved ones depends on absolute ground level clarity and an immediate response to the enemies at hand - commensurate with their immediate threat level!
Example; -- the fucking Cardinal's apology for ruining innocent kids through predatory and brutally deviate sex -- administered by trusted priests -- ain't worth shit! The Pope should crawl on his belly to a microphone and beg for forgiveness and open up the whole ridiculous Church doctrine to some fresh thinking. And until there are enough Christians with enough brains and balls to see through the deviates that control the Vatican --and cry out "enough you anachronistic power mad cocksuckers" -- children will be fucked in the ass and scarred for life by homo priests.
So you see how inflammatory language ( i feel better already) might work to inspire action? -- Think of Tom Paine's "Common Sense" which inspired the American Revolution -- and think of the digibandit as "Fucking Common Sense!" As adapted for present dangers; where our enemies are not three thousand miles away with muskets and cannons -- but hours away with weapons of mass destruction and taking their orders from a violent God promising them Paradise in return for slaughtering our children and grandmothers. --- And in our local parishes where your local homo vicar is trying to use god to fuck little Johnny up his asshole.
Well, my friends --unless we all get a lot angrier at all this crap and call a spade a spade and cut out all the pc crapolo ; -- the politicians and bad guys are gonna keep getting away with murder! And, if you just keep shopping and watching TV and having fun and games as usual -- and wait for some literate well mannered politician to save your stupid fucking asses -- and don't jump into the game -- well -- "Just you wait Henry Higgins --Just you wait -- you'll be sorry but your tears will come too late ("My Fair Lady --the Musical)
My dog is named Liza,after the orphan girl, Liza Doolitle, in that musical, and i'm going up into the mountains with her above the Hollywood Hills, as usual, and say a fucking prayer to whatever asshole created us -- because this ain't no fucking Musical!
Oh -- and the Pope is an ignorant medieval cocksucker!
This horror story is probably a good time to address what people say to me on a regular basis; "You know bandit -- by being so extreme with your filthy language you transcend the basic parameters of satire and fall into unfocused pique and undisciplined and ignorant rage!" - I made that up --what they say is ;"You are a foul mouthed angry Jew!
Well, let's get some things straight!
The point of my linguistic extremism is that there is some behavior - (like religio child molestation and terrorism), for example, that does not deserve the blessing of dignified conversation -- or the validation of ANY form of normative discussion. Such behavior needs to be isolated in the context of it's "outrage" and wrapped in a syntax commensurrate with it's cruel and sick pathology -- with absolute zero tolerence for it's existence. -- The narrative equivalent of squashing a bug!
Yes indeedy, there is a desperate need to empirically analyze and evaluate the root causes of vicious and nihilistic human behavior and to gain understanding and devise treatment options and discuss these matters in a non barbaric context;-- but -- the survival of our loved ones depends on absolute ground level clarity and an immediate response to the enemies at hand - commensurate with their immediate threat level!
Example; -- the fucking Cardinal's apology for ruining innocent kids through predatory and brutally deviate sex -- administered by trusted priests -- ain't worth shit! The Pope should crawl on his belly to a microphone and beg for forgiveness and open up the whole ridiculous Church doctrine to some fresh thinking. And until there are enough Christians with enough brains and balls to see through the deviates that control the Vatican --and cry out "enough you anachronistic power mad cocksuckers" -- children will be fucked in the ass and scarred for life by homo priests.
So you see how inflammatory language ( i feel better already) might work to inspire action? -- Think of Tom Paine's "Common Sense" which inspired the American Revolution -- and think of the digibandit as "Fucking Common Sense!" As adapted for present dangers; where our enemies are not three thousand miles away with muskets and cannons -- but hours away with weapons of mass destruction and taking their orders from a violent God promising them Paradise in return for slaughtering our children and grandmothers. --- And in our local parishes where your local homo vicar is trying to use god to fuck little Johnny up his asshole.
Well, my friends --unless we all get a lot angrier at all this crap and call a spade a spade and cut out all the pc crapolo ; -- the politicians and bad guys are gonna keep getting away with murder! And, if you just keep shopping and watching TV and having fun and games as usual -- and wait for some literate well mannered politician to save your stupid fucking asses -- and don't jump into the game -- well -- "Just you wait Henry Higgins --Just you wait -- you'll be sorry but your tears will come too late ("My Fair Lady --the Musical)
My dog is named Liza,after the orphan girl, Liza Doolitle, in that musical, and i'm going up into the mountains with her above the Hollywood Hills, as usual, and say a fucking prayer to whatever asshole created us -- because this ain't no fucking Musical!
Oh -- and the Pope is an ignorant medieval cocksucker!
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Muslim Extremism Due To Lack OFCelebrities -- Says New Study
Doctor Menschel Weintraub, director of social neuroscience at the Institute For The Study Of Social Dystopia, in West Hollywood , California, announced: "We have compelling evidence that Arab Muslims are suffering significant mental trauma from a complete lack of "Celebrity" in their culture!"
"And we are not talking about their worshiping human throwbacks like the Ayatolah Khomeini -- or other such tyrants -- as replacements for Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan -- who keep America's masses distracted from their pitiful lives."
He continued; "If you basically dislike your work and wife and even yourself, and if life basically sucks ; -- Is a picture on your living room wall of an angry old smelly Mullah going to relieve your distress?"
"Nope -- the Romans knew exactly how to relieve the ignorant masses from their anxiety -- extreme sports and extreme violence and extreme displays of pussy! And just to insure that no one got to focused on the shit of their daily lives -- they always had plenty of booze available and lot's of military conquests going on."
"If the masses of ignorant American's did not have their celebrities they would be in fucking misery --And that's with all the bling and gadgets and shit food and all the other mindless diversions to which they have access and persue like commercial gluttons."
He continued; "Now the Arab extremists haven't had a cultural success story in over a thousand years. They are broke - exploited by their own leaders -- have no clue about pussy -- virtually no art or literature -- their TV and sports are a joke -- zero laughs -- drink fourteen cups of coffee a day -- no air conditioning -- no booze or drugs - food sucks and they have been totally marginalized militarily. ( and down deep they know we will kill them all, like cockroaches, when they piss us off enough) -- And they have NO celebrities."
Doctor Weintraub concluded; "So -- until you see a Muslim counterpart to Victoria Beckham shaking her skinny ass at The Dome of The Rock with a million Arabs screaming -- "Al matakbe valatka Mossho vlantash pooshhee ! poosshee! pooshees!" ( which means sit on my beard you hot sandy pussy in Arabic) -- the violence will continue
"And we are not talking about their worshiping human throwbacks like the Ayatolah Khomeini -- or other such tyrants -- as replacements for Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan -- who keep America's masses distracted from their pitiful lives."
He continued; "If you basically dislike your work and wife and even yourself, and if life basically sucks ; -- Is a picture on your living room wall of an angry old smelly Mullah going to relieve your distress?"
"Nope -- the Romans knew exactly how to relieve the ignorant masses from their anxiety -- extreme sports and extreme violence and extreme displays of pussy! And just to insure that no one got to focused on the shit of their daily lives -- they always had plenty of booze available and lot's of military conquests going on."
"If the masses of ignorant American's did not have their celebrities they would be in fucking misery --And that's with all the bling and gadgets and shit food and all the other mindless diversions to which they have access and persue like commercial gluttons."
He continued; "Now the Arab extremists haven't had a cultural success story in over a thousand years. They are broke - exploited by their own leaders -- have no clue about pussy -- virtually no art or literature -- their TV and sports are a joke -- zero laughs -- drink fourteen cups of coffee a day -- no air conditioning -- no booze or drugs - food sucks and they have been totally marginalized militarily. ( and down deep they know we will kill them all, like cockroaches, when they piss us off enough) -- And they have NO celebrities."
Doctor Weintraub concluded; "So -- until you see a Muslim counterpart to Victoria Beckham shaking her skinny ass at The Dome of The Rock with a million Arabs screaming -- "Al matakbe valatka Mossho vlantash pooshhee ! poosshee! pooshees!" ( which means sit on my beard you hot sandy pussy in Arabic) -- the violence will continue
Friday, July 13, 2007
Mitt Romney Says Polygamy Is The Only Way For A Happy Marriage
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!
The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only fuck one woman for the rest of his life!" He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:
" A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and cumming once a month is what a sex life is all about."
"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me - these yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch porno - have zero puusy options and they should not be judging those who do!"
"Now i want a family and a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny celebrity addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and wornout and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"
"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office -- cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."
He's definitely got my vote!
The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only fuck one woman for the rest of his life!" He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:
" A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and cumming once a month is what a sex life is all about."
"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me - these yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch porno - have zero puusy options and they should not be judging those who do!"
"Now i want a family and a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny celebrity addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and wornout and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"
"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office -- cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."
He's definitely got my vote!
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Conservative "Family Guy" Louisiana Senator Was Fucking Whores
“I’m a conservative who opposes radically redefining marriage, the most important social institution in human history,” Mr. David Vitter, a 46-year-old Republican, wrote in a letter last year to The Times-Picayune, the New Orleans daily.
That self-created image, a political winner here since 1991, when Mr. Vitter joined the Louisiana House, took a tumble Monday with the disclosure that his phone number was among those on a list of client numbers kept by Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the so-called D.C. Madam, who is accused of running a prostitution ring in Washington."
"So this report in todays New York Times should come as no surprise to anyone with half a brain!" said Doctor Herschel Mandelbaum, head psychiatrist at the National Center for Male Lust, in Eugene Oregon.
"Every study that has ever been done on the male libido, and it's cognitive and physiological response to hot pussy; -- has conclusively shown that the prick has a very strong mind of it's own!"
He added; "And in the case of male religious conservatives these studies have shown that seventy percent of them will jump anything they can! The family value thing is right out the window when the one eyed monstor starts to rise -- fortunately for their families most of these bible thumpers are very unnatractive to women and have low levels of testosterone and small dicks -- otherwise they would fuck their pets!"
Dr.Mandelbaum, who is the world authority on male libidian behavior further stated; "And in the case of male politicians who espouse conservative family values -- our studies have shown with a margin of error of less then one percent, that when arroused -- they would fuck a snake!"
In conclusion the Doctor stated: " When finally caught with their peckers hanging out they always say, as in the case of Senator Vitter, -- "I am so sorry that i sinned in the past before i found the Lord --yadadadada."
"It's all bullshit! -- If a female aid winked at them seconds after their bullshit cries of contrition - they would throw her in the back of their limo and fuck her like a dog in heat!"
That self-created image, a political winner here since 1991, when Mr. Vitter joined the Louisiana House, took a tumble Monday with the disclosure that his phone number was among those on a list of client numbers kept by Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the so-called D.C. Madam, who is accused of running a prostitution ring in Washington."
"So this report in todays New York Times should come as no surprise to anyone with half a brain!" said Doctor Herschel Mandelbaum, head psychiatrist at the National Center for Male Lust, in Eugene Oregon.
"Every study that has ever been done on the male libido, and it's cognitive and physiological response to hot pussy; -- has conclusively shown that the prick has a very strong mind of it's own!"
He added; "And in the case of male religious conservatives these studies have shown that seventy percent of them will jump anything they can! The family value thing is right out the window when the one eyed monstor starts to rise -- fortunately for their families most of these bible thumpers are very unnatractive to women and have low levels of testosterone and small dicks -- otherwise they would fuck their pets!"
Dr.Mandelbaum, who is the world authority on male libidian behavior further stated; "And in the case of male politicians who espouse conservative family values -- our studies have shown with a margin of error of less then one percent, that when arroused -- they would fuck a snake!"
In conclusion the Doctor stated: " When finally caught with their peckers hanging out they always say, as in the case of Senator Vitter, -- "I am so sorry that i sinned in the past before i found the Lord --yadadadada."
"It's all bullshit! -- If a female aid winked at them seconds after their bullshit cries of contrition - they would throw her in the back of their limo and fuck her like a dog in heat!"
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist -- Hillary claims she's half black!
The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period!
'He even thought about changing his name to Lance Barak" - said Dr. Maury Goldfarb. There has been no comment from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: "Well, i have my own announcement to make that's quite a shocker -- i am half black! -- so how about that my brothas and sistas?"
"The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honky's too --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson
"And all the ignorant rednecks will be sittin around today in eugenics heaven" -- I can hear them now down at the shitbird cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
Rev,Sharpton concluded;"And if Hillary Clinton is half black i will eat her pussy in Macy's window!"
'He even thought about changing his name to Lance Barak" - said Dr. Maury Goldfarb. There has been no comment from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: "Well, i have my own announcement to make that's quite a shocker -- i am half black! -- so how about that my brothas and sistas?"
"The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honky's too --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson
"And all the ignorant rednecks will be sittin around today in eugenics heaven" -- I can hear them now down at the shitbird cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
Rev,Sharpton concluded;"And if Hillary Clinton is half black i will eat her pussy in Macy's window!"
Thursday, July 05, 2007
Serena Williams Scared The Shit Out OF Russians At Wimbledon
Those tall leggy Russian tennis players who Serena Williams defeated at Wimbledon complained to the British Tennis Society today; "I was constantly afraid that she would rip through the net and trample me like a giant black Rhinocerous" said Elenya Smyrynosposkayovich after losing to Williams ,whose nickname is Gevaltnegtuckismaya --which means "A giant black ass rolling down a hill" in Russian.
The head of the British safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent Serena from ploughing right on through when she thunders up to the net; "Our tests have shown, said Sir Arthur Cornwitz, that a woman of her size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court."
He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the Royal Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on British aircraft carriers to stop our planes from crashing through and into the ocean -- but Admiral Sir Meyer Pinsky Captain of the battle carrier HMS Horatio Nelson expressed his concern; "Having seen the thrusting power of this amazing amazon on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her."
When confronted with the dilemma Serena said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test his burly black ass!"
The head of the British safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent Serena from ploughing right on through when she thunders up to the net; "Our tests have shown, said Sir Arthur Cornwitz, that a woman of her size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court."
He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the Royal Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on British aircraft carriers to stop our planes from crashing through and into the ocean -- but Admiral Sir Meyer Pinsky Captain of the battle carrier HMS Horatio Nelson expressed his concern; "Having seen the thrusting power of this amazing amazon on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her."
When confronted with the dilemma Serena said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test his burly black ass!"
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
Drunken Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Say's America's Black Slaves Were Lucky Ones
Clarence Thomas set off some fireworks at a fourth of july cocktail party when in a drunken rage he screamed; "The blacks are always saying i'm an uncle Tom and a disgrace to my race because i don't manipulate the power of the constitution to save their lazy black asses!"
A guest at the party said he ranted on and on;"These are the same type of niggas who picked on me as a kid for being too black, and then later said i was a traitor for marrying a white woman --they just a bunch of drug addicts and ignorant loafers who are damn lucky to have gotten the hell out of that shithole Africa -- compliments of the slave trade."
Thomas who was confirmed by the slimmest margin in history (one vote) to the Supreme Court, after reports surfaced about his love of pornography and sexual harrassment of his law school colleague Anita Hill; has taken every opportunity as a justice to block affirmative action on behalf of minorities and has been a staunch conservative and strict constructionist -- in lock step with Anthony Scalia.
"Seventy five percent of the blacks who were shipped out of Africa as slaves would have died of aids or someother nasty tropical disease -- or been killed by some other murderous nigger -- or been eaten by a crocodile or whatever else kind of stinking creature what lives in their rotten filthy jungles!" -- he ranted, -- and when his white wife tried to calm him down he shouted at her; "Shut up you white whore - when we get home i'll drive my Anaconda (a huge black snake) up your butt!"
"Those blackass liberals like Rev Sharpton would probably have had their nuts cut off by some wabboongi or Tutu or Hutu or You Tu, instead of getting to make excuses for niggas who leave their families and do dope and crime instead of getting educated and working to survive against all odds - like me."
The anonymous party guest stated; "He was really drunk and pissed off about the article that leaked out on digibandit.com about his beating off under his robe while in judicial hearings --and that being the reason he has never asked a question from the bench."
He yelled ''Some lousy nigger leaked that story to the bandit -- a no good motherfucker who just wants everything handed to him on a silver platter -- maybe these dumb fucks should pay back the USA for getting their relatives out of that shithole deathtrap of a black continent where they would have starved their black asses to death instead of eating themselves into diabetes and hypertension and obesity at Mc Donalds!"
When chief justice John Roberts got wind of the drunken incident with his associate he said; "Oh ,heh heh heh -- ole Clarence was just letting off a little July Fourth steam -- that's just part of the good old American spirit and tradition --heh heh heh!"
Happy Holiday!
A guest at the party said he ranted on and on;"These are the same type of niggas who picked on me as a kid for being too black, and then later said i was a traitor for marrying a white woman --they just a bunch of drug addicts and ignorant loafers who are damn lucky to have gotten the hell out of that shithole Africa -- compliments of the slave trade."
Thomas who was confirmed by the slimmest margin in history (one vote) to the Supreme Court, after reports surfaced about his love of pornography and sexual harrassment of his law school colleague Anita Hill; has taken every opportunity as a justice to block affirmative action on behalf of minorities and has been a staunch conservative and strict constructionist -- in lock step with Anthony Scalia.
"Seventy five percent of the blacks who were shipped out of Africa as slaves would have died of aids or someother nasty tropical disease -- or been killed by some other murderous nigger -- or been eaten by a crocodile or whatever else kind of stinking creature what lives in their rotten filthy jungles!" -- he ranted, -- and when his white wife tried to calm him down he shouted at her; "Shut up you white whore - when we get home i'll drive my Anaconda (a huge black snake) up your butt!"
"Those blackass liberals like Rev Sharpton would probably have had their nuts cut off by some wabboongi or Tutu or Hutu or You Tu, instead of getting to make excuses for niggas who leave their families and do dope and crime instead of getting educated and working to survive against all odds - like me."
The anonymous party guest stated; "He was really drunk and pissed off about the article that leaked out on digibandit.com about his beating off under his robe while in judicial hearings --and that being the reason he has never asked a question from the bench."
He yelled ''Some lousy nigger leaked that story to the bandit -- a no good motherfucker who just wants everything handed to him on a silver platter -- maybe these dumb fucks should pay back the USA for getting their relatives out of that shithole deathtrap of a black continent where they would have starved their black asses to death instead of eating themselves into diabetes and hypertension and obesity at Mc Donalds!"
When chief justice John Roberts got wind of the drunken incident with his associate he said; "Oh ,heh heh heh -- ole Clarence was just letting off a little July Fourth steam -- that's just part of the good old American spirit and tradition --heh heh heh!"
Happy Holiday!
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile -- to Target Stinking Muslim Extremist
The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror.
"General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" ."Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance.
If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country .
"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"
"General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" ."Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance.
If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country .
"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"
Thursday, June 28, 2007
"Anne Coulter Looks Like Shit Naked" -Says Ex Boy Friend
Meyer Goldfat,Coulter's high school sweetheart said: "The reason she's turned into such a vicious sour apple and man hating cunt, is that she has not been laid since we broke up in i982!"
"I only srewed her once after the senior high graduation party -- she was wasted on booze and vi-codeine and actually she looked so ugly naked that i just rolled her over and stuck it up her corn hole", said Goldfat.
She is really frustrated, and all the cool guys in college she wanted to fuck just made fun of her. (her nickname was "Annie rottencrotch") Most of them were idealistic and liberal and that's the reason she hates Democrats with such a passion."
He continued;"One guy in particular, who she was really hot for, looked like a clone of presidential candidate John Edwards; and he was really brutal in his rejection -- he would put poems all over "Annie smelly rotten crotch -- kicks the ugly up a notch,"
So, said Goldblatt, "You can see why she hates John Edwards!" He added, "I kind of feel sorry for her, but the truth is she was a rotton vicious cunt even as a child -- she was a ball breaker in kindergarten -- just a natural born cunt!"
"I only srewed her once after the senior high graduation party -- she was wasted on booze and vi-codeine and actually she looked so ugly naked that i just rolled her over and stuck it up her corn hole", said Goldfat.
She is really frustrated, and all the cool guys in college she wanted to fuck just made fun of her. (her nickname was "Annie rottencrotch") Most of them were idealistic and liberal and that's the reason she hates Democrats with such a passion."
He continued;"One guy in particular, who she was really hot for, looked like a clone of presidential candidate John Edwards; and he was really brutal in his rejection -- he would put poems all over "Annie smelly rotten crotch -- kicks the ugly up a notch,"
So, said Goldblatt, "You can see why she hates John Edwards!" He added, "I kind of feel sorry for her, but the truth is she was a rotton vicious cunt even as a child -- she was a ball breaker in kindergarten -- just a natural born cunt!"
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Katie Couric To Get Head Of Walter Cronkite
Well -- showing a nipple didn't work! -- Turning her into the first "news dummy" by giving her a new voice didn't work! (all previously reported by the digibandit) -- now it's one last chance for Katie to survive her horrible ratings.
Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"
Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."
Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."
Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."
Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"
Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."
Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."
Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Paris Hilton Blows Larry King For Interview
A production assistant on the Larry King show has "blown" the whistle on his boss! --"Paris went into his office and i heard her whining and crying about how the broadcast networks wouldn't pay for her jail story and how Barbara Walters called her a slut and a moron and told her to go see that pimp Larry King ." -- said the assistant."
He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."
Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"
Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."
"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."
Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.
He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."
Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"
Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."
"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."
Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Hillary says Bill Is Under Control With Her New Blow Job Power
Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: "
After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Wednesday, June 20, 2007
Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?"
Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!
Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."
"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.
The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"
To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"
Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?
Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."
"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.
The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"
To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"
Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?
Monday, June 18, 2007
Koran Says "No Oral Sex" -- Scholar Says "Thats 'The Muslim's Main Problem"
The great Islamic scholar, Hairarry Mufki Pufki said at Cairo University today; “The primary reason that so many Arab societies are dysfunctional and that Islamic fascism is taking over the Middle East is that -- The Koran forbids oral sex!”
In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”
The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”
When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”
Ah! --so that’s it!
In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”
The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”
When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”
Ah! --so that’s it!
Friday, June 15, 2007
Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.
"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.
"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Fox Announces "She's Got Balls!"
Arnold Schlock, president of Fox reality television, announced their next breakthrough in family friendly -- trans gender -- reality programming.
"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.
"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"
"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.
"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."
Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?
"
"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.
"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"
"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.
"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."
Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?
"
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress
Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because
"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.
"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.
When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.
"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.
When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"
"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"
Sunday, June 10, 2007
Bible Park USA Will Become America's Vatican
Christianity is about to realize it's true potential!
Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.
The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.
"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.
He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.
God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!
A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!
To be continued:
Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.
The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.
"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.
He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.
God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!
A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!
To be continued:
Friday, June 08, 2007
Paris Hilton's Pubic Hair Smuggled Out Of Jail
A lock of Paris Hilton's pubic hair which a fellow prisoner snagged from a bar of soap she had used --was smuggled out of LA county jail and will be sold on ebay --starting bids already exceed 250 thousand dollars from an undisclosed Saudi prince.
The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..
Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."
She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"
"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"
"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"
You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!
The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..
Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."
She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"
"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"
"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"
You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
God says "Knock Off Political Prayer - Or Else!" -- Says Pope
"God is on overload!", said Pope Benedick today. "He has enough to handle without listening to Barak Obama and John Edwards et al. wining to him about their pseudo passion for the healing properties of Religion and Faith as they seek political power.
He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."
God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"
The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."
God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"
"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"
He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."
God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"
The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."
God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"
"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Gay Cali Prisoners Denied Asshole Lubricant
Gay Inmates to Be Granted Conjugal Visits in California
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.
However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.
"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"
He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."
He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."
Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."
"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.
However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.
"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"
He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."
He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."
Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."
"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"
Friday, June 01, 2007
Breakfast Is Served -- 6/1/07 Hollywood ,CA. --Seven Eleven
"Good morning mam" --i says to the 250 pound plus black woman who is petting my dog while she waits for Jose to ring up her breakfast order at the seven eleven on the corner of Sunset and La Brea.
"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.
Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"
"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "
Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)
Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).
And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.
And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.
You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!
"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"
I'm moving to Cuba!
"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.
Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"
"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "
Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)
Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).
And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.
And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.
You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!
"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"
I'm moving to Cuba!
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Don't Bring A pussy To A Knife Fight
In a twist on the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight." -- Sheryl Manglelbush, head pollster for Gallup/USA said; "In our latest poll we asked Americans the following question:
"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"
Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:
John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.
Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.
Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!
Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.
John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.
Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.
"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.
"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"
Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:
John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.
Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.
Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!
Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.
John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.
Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.
"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
Satan Is A Pussy
"No, no, no to Satan! No, no, no to America! No, no, no to occupation! No, no, no to Israel!"MOKTADA AL-SADR, the populist Shiite cleric, speaking to worshipers yesterday on his return to Iraq."
"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.
He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."
The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"
"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"
"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."
"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.
It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."
"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."
"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."
Happy Memorial Day
"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.
He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."
The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"
"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"
"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."
"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.
It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."
"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."
"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."
Happy Memorial Day
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq
The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce , on his weekly radio address, that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya for example; they are fast and tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq"
"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."
The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.
"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.
"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."
The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.
"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.
Monday, May 21, 2007
Rudy Giuliani To Buy Mexico With Donald Trump
"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said Republican presidential frontrunner Rudy Giuliani in a press conference with the Donald at a Wall Street press conference, with their hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs." We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousand American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Giuliani.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.
This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).
Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."
Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.
This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).
Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."
Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Jerry Falwell Get's Shocking Welcome From God
Walking through the pearly gates on his way to see the “Big Guy” in the sky -- The Rev was probably a little bit confused by the fact that the two Angels escorting him were black cross-dressers.
He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.
Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.
“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:
“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”
So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!
So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”
He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.
Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.
“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:
“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”
So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!
So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)
"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Who Was The First Mother?
It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, May 11, 2007
Troops In Iraq Are Horniest Soldiers In History
Throughout the history of warfare (man's favorite pastime) and especially American history, one of the major incentives for soldiers was the availability of pussy.
Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).
Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"
He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.
He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."
He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"
The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."
"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"
One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"
Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).
Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"
He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.
He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."
He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"
The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."
"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"
One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod
It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"
"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"
"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"
Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."
And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:
Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"
Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Some Chick Messed Up God --Really Bad!
Los Angeles Times -- today: "Gender issues nix interfaith soccer" -filed
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;
"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.
A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."
Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.
The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)
These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).
Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"
Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."
God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;
"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.
A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."
Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.
The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)
These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).
Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"
Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."
God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!
Friday, May 04, 2007
'Neglect Your Kid's And Do Time" Say's Rudy Giuliani
Responding to all the liberal whining,in the wake of surging gang violence across the country; that poor folks have to work three jobs and aren't around for their kids and Bush has cut neighborhood programs so these poor neglected kids have nothing to do but rape mame and murder with their unsupervised time.
"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"
"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"
He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"
Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"
"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."
'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."
"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.
"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"
"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"
He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"
Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"
"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."
'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."
"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Hillary To lead "No More Free Pussy" Crusade
Hillary The warrior Queen announced today; 'The world is divided into two basic groups.! --In the smaller but more advanced and powerful one; women have the right not to fuck men unless they want to.In the other group,ie. --all of Africa--The Muslim countries -- most of India - and most third world nations -- Men just fuck their women anytime they want to -- it's basically rape!"
Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."
It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!
"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.
'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!
Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."
It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!
"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.
'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Hillary Clinton -- Warrior Queen
Ancient queens and other women have led their people into battle since the beginning of time: Amazons, Queen Artemisia, Queen Boudicca, Queen Samsi, Queen Tomyris, Trung Sisters, Queen Zenobia,Queen Elizabeth --and let's not forget Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher.
Throughout history, women warriors have fought and led troops into battle. This partial list of warrior queens and other women warriors runs from the legendary Amazons -- who may have been real warriors from the Steppes -- to the Syrian queen of Palmyra, Zenobia. Sadly, we know too little about most of these brave warrior women who stood up to the powerful male leaders of their day.
The Amazons are credited with helping the Trojans against the Greeks in the Trojan War. They are also said to have been fierce women archers who cut off a breast to aid them in shooting, but recent archaeological evidence suggests the Amazons were real, important, powerful, two-breasted, warrior women, possibly from the Steppes.
But get ready! -- Because Hillary Clinton will make them all look like pussies! --Did you see or hear her response to this question by Brian Williams during the debates last week? "What is your primary responsibility as President if we suffer a terrorist attack?" -- her answer; "Retaliate!"
I looked into her round cherubic face and steely blue eyes as she answered -- and i knew that this was a Warrior Queen who would cut off her breasts and take out her little suitcase with those targeting codes inside -- and soon after -- they are going to need a lot more room in Asshole Paradise.
This is a woman who get's into bed each night with a man who has more testosterone than a male bull shark! -- If she can handle Willie -- she's ready to be "Hillary Clinton --Warrior Queen of America."
More on this tomorrow.
Throughout history, women warriors have fought and led troops into battle. This partial list of warrior queens and other women warriors runs from the legendary Amazons -- who may have been real warriors from the Steppes -- to the Syrian queen of Palmyra, Zenobia. Sadly, we know too little about most of these brave warrior women who stood up to the powerful male leaders of their day.
The Amazons are credited with helping the Trojans against the Greeks in the Trojan War. They are also said to have been fierce women archers who cut off a breast to aid them in shooting, but recent archaeological evidence suggests the Amazons were real, important, powerful, two-breasted, warrior women, possibly from the Steppes.
But get ready! -- Because Hillary Clinton will make them all look like pussies! --Did you see or hear her response to this question by Brian Williams during the debates last week? "What is your primary responsibility as President if we suffer a terrorist attack?" -- her answer; "Retaliate!"
I looked into her round cherubic face and steely blue eyes as she answered -- and i knew that this was a Warrior Queen who would cut off her breasts and take out her little suitcase with those targeting codes inside -- and soon after -- they are going to need a lot more room in Asshole Paradise.
This is a woman who get's into bed each night with a man who has more testosterone than a male bull shark! -- If she can handle Willie -- she's ready to be "Hillary Clinton --Warrior Queen of America."
More on this tomorrow.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Bob Jones University Creed -- Stolen From Bug's Bunny
Here is the Famous Christian University's Creed. They are an institution of higher learning that is a primary source of key personnel recruitment and wisdom for the Bush administration: (It definitely qualifies as an "Institution"-- as in Mental , and "Higher," as in tree-top)
If you substitute "Bug's Bunny" for any phrases with "God" or "Bible"; or the word "Carrot" for,"Resurrection" --"Virgin" --- or "Eternal Life"; you can quickly see why the Bush administration is so admired by thoughtful and intelligent folks around the Globe --and why projects and appointments like Iraq and Katrina and Harriet Meyers and Alberto Gonzales and sooo many other critical tasks turned out so well.
So here's the creed of Moron's (Not to be confused with Mormon's) --and the source of the Bush Administration's wisdom.
Each day in chapel we recite the University Creed. It is a concise statement of the most important truths taught in God's Word.
I believe in the inspiration of the Bible (both the Old and the New Testaments); the creation of man by the direct act of God; the incarnation and virgin birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; His identification as the Son of God; His vicarious atonement for the sins of mankind by the shedding of His blood on the cross; the resurrection of His body from the tomb; His power to save men from sin; the new birth through the regeneration by the Holy Spirit; and the gift of eternal life by the grace of God.
Plays nice with 'Bug's Bunny" and his "Carrot" -- don't it?
If you substitute "Bug's Bunny" for any phrases with "God" or "Bible"; or the word "Carrot" for,"Resurrection" --"Virgin" --- or "Eternal Life"; you can quickly see why the Bush administration is so admired by thoughtful and intelligent folks around the Globe --and why projects and appointments like Iraq and Katrina and Harriet Meyers and Alberto Gonzales and sooo many other critical tasks turned out so well.
So here's the creed of Moron's (Not to be confused with Mormon's) --and the source of the Bush Administration's wisdom.
Each day in chapel we recite the University Creed. It is a concise statement of the most important truths taught in God's Word.
I believe in the inspiration of the Bible (both the Old and the New Testaments); the creation of man by the direct act of God; the incarnation and virgin birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; His identification as the Son of God; His vicarious atonement for the sins of mankind by the shedding of His blood on the cross; the resurrection of His body from the tomb; His power to save men from sin; the new birth through the regeneration by the Holy Spirit; and the gift of eternal life by the grace of God.
Plays nice with 'Bug's Bunny" and his "Carrot" -- don't it?
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."
Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."
Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"
He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."
Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."
Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.
Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."
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