Prison Is A Vacation For Most Young Black Hoodlums - It's Punishment Time!

America has more than two million citizens behind bars, the highest absolute and per capita rate of incarceration in the world. Black Americans, a mere 13 percent of the population, constitute half of this country’s prisoners. A tenth of all black men between ages 20 and 35 are in jail or prison; blacks are incarcerated at over eight times the white rate.

The effect on black communities is catastrophic: one in three male African-Americans in their 30s now has a prison record, as do nearly two-thirds of all black male high school dropouts. These numbers and rates are incomparably greater than anything achieved at the height of the Jim Crow era. What’s odd is how long it has taken the African-American community to address in a forceful and thoughtful way this racially biased and utterly counterproductive situation.

How, after decades of undeniable racial progress, did we end up with this virtual gulag of racial incarceration? Well if you listen to Jesse Jackson or The Rev.Al Sharpton it's all the fault of us racist whiteys!
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But there is another equally important cause: the simple fact that young black men commit a disproportionate number of crimes, especially violent crimes, which cannot be attributed to judicial bias, racism or economic hardships -- The rate at which blacks commit homicides is seven times that of whites.

Why is this? The continuing reinforcement of bad behavior by black celebrities and leaders and the lack of a significant response from black family groups -sure doesn't help this pathetic situation.
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In New York City, the tabloids published sensational details of the bias suit brought by a black former executive for the Knicks, Anucha Browne Sanders, who claims that she was frequently called a “bitch” and a “ho” by the Knicks coach and president, Isiah Thomas. In a video deposition, Thomas said that while it is always wrong for a white man to verbally abuse a black woman in such terms, it was “not as much ... I’m sorry to say” for a black man to do so.
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Across the nation, religious African-Americans were shocked that the evangelical minister Juanita Bynum, an enormously popular source of inspiration for churchgoing black women, said she was brutally beaten in a parking lot by her estranged husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks.
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O. J. Simpson, the malevolent central player in an iconic moment in the nation’s recent black-white (as well as male-female) relations, reappeared on the scene, charged with attempted burglary, kidnapping and felonious assault in Las Vegas, in what he claimed was merely an attempt to recover stolen memorabilia.

These events (the tip of the iceberg) all point to something that has been swept under the rug for too long in black America: the crisis in relations between men and women of all classes and, as a result, the catastrophic state of black family life, especially among the poor. Isiah Thomas’s outrageous double standard shocked many blacks in New York only because he had the nerve to say out loud what is a fact of life for too many black women who must daily confront indignity and abuse in hip-hop misogyny and everyday conversation.

What is done with words is merely the verbal end of a continuum of abuse that too often ends with beatings and spousal homicide. Black relationships and families fail at high rates because women increasingly refuse to put up with this abuse. The resulting absence of fathers — some 70 percent of black babies are born to single mothers — is undoubtedly a major cause of youth delinquency.

So- it's obvious that black parents can't cope with all this cultural negativity. The answer is to create the crystal clear perception in the black community that going to jail is not just another notch in your life experience - a cool street cred on the way to becoming a bigger deal in the ghetto -- a place to hang out with your brovas and lift weights and eat good on Uncle SAM.

These kids don't miss their loving families or children or miss the tenderness and sharing of a loving romance - prison is an extension of their fucked up violent lives and pathological behavior. (and their is no social stigma in doing time - it's cool).

Prison has got to become their worst nightmare! -- Hard work -- no TV - shit food (but nutritious) -- no gathering and spitting and screaming motherfucker all day long in social settings that are a total re creation of life back home in the hood.

Prison is a criminal's worst nightmare if you are basically a"normal fuck-up" -especially because seventy percent of the people you're locked up with are these street animals to whom it's no big thing - it's cool!

If this sounds harsh and racist I'm sorry - but in another ten years our society will look an armed camp if we don't take tough measures now. And - the congress ain't gonna do the right thing with education and rehabilitation (which i'm in total favor of) -- because most of them ARE racists.

So - i vote for protecting my family with laws that will pass and will work -it's a tribal thing.

Paris Hilton Wants To Hump King Kong To Death

"Paris Hilton is full of baloney!" a close male friend of hers told the bandit Hollywood reporter,Elise Mandelbaum yesterday, at his home in Malibu. -- "The only reason she wants to go to Rwanda is because they have a large population of silver-back mountain Gorillas there; -- and she told me she wants to fuck one of them!"


He was responding to news reports that Hilton had told the press she was going there on a humanitarian mission - as follows:


"The hotel heiress - who vowed to better herself after serving 23 days in jail for driving offences in June - hopes to use her fame to draw attention to the plight of the war-torn African country.
Paris, 26, told E! Online: "I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie. "There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.
"I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues."


Paris' ex boyfriend continued; "She and i went to see the King Kong movie -- you know, the Peter Jackson extravaganza -and in the scenes where Kong and Naomi Watts are getting lovey dovey Paris went wild!"

"She started to moan and sweat and quiver all over and she grabbed my crotch and practically dragged me into the ladies room. We did it and i had to stuff toilet paper in her mouth because she kept screaming -- "Fuck me Kong! --Fuck me Kong! -and i was sure we would be arrested!"
He went on; "She plays the movie over and over in her private screening room and she has men dress up in Gorilla outfits and --well you get the picture.!" --"Anyway, about a month ago she told me that she was going to make up this humanitarian ("bullshit") angle to look good in the press after all her psycho behavior; and when she got to Rwanda she was going to travel with professional bush guides to the rain forest to find a huge silver-back mountain Gorilla."

"And then what?" asked our reporter. -- to which he replied; "And then what? Well - Paris told me -- she was going to fuck King Kong --to death!"

I certainly hope they get that on tape -- it would get one hundred million hits on You Tube!

More Proof That Rudy Is Dominated By His Bitchy Wife

The bandit has already posted about Rudy's Wife from hell Judith Nathan Giuliani -- excerpts herewith:


"The third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question."



We also recounted in a prior post the article, by Judy Bachrach that accuses Mrs. Giuliani of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07.

So- do we want a man who marries a women who probably belongs in a mental institution -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?

Oh and here's a report from the NRA convention Rudy Giuliani was attending this week (following in John Kerry's ill-fated attemps to come across as a good old boy)

"To the amazement of the audience, he interrupted his speech to have a lovey-dovey chat with Judi, who was about to get on a plane back from London.
After telling her that he was talking to the N.R.A. — a big speech that you would imagine she would know about, and not want to interrupt — he asked if she wanted to give a shout out to the gun-lovers and then paused while she spoke to him."

"After saying “I love you” twice and signing off with another “dear,” he joked to the audience that he would have been in trouble if he hadn’t taken the call, noting that “this is one of the great blessings of the modern age, being always available."

Oh my God - are you puking yet - what a pussy asshole -- can't you just see it! -- President Giuliani is in a Homeland security meeting and that cunt calls him and he say's "I'm so sorry but i have to take that call - I'll get back to you about going to an Orange alert --she's overtired from all her shopping and boy am i in for it if i don't kiss her ass right away!"

Hey - no joke - this guy is a weak dangerous phony!

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world! : - You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.



You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the "Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"



'We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable."



You will state the message as follows: "Hello it's me! Mohammad!Speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah ." -- "Effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ." --"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers ." -- "Enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran!"



Furthermore the message will conclude with; "Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- "What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"



You will remind this esteemed creative team that;"These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"



"When the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over! --and you will all receive The medal Of Freedom"


And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project" -- "And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"


Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!

Pope Benedick Grabbed Condoleeza Rice's Ass In Vatican

"Pope Benedict XVI refused a recent request by US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to discuss the Middle East and Iraq, Vatican sources say."



While everyone in the media is analyzing the reason for the Pope's snub of our Secretary of State ( The Iraq war -protection of Christians in Iraq - He's on vacation -yadadadadad) -- The bandit's Vatican reporter has the real scoop!



Esther Mandelbaum spoke to a close personal assistant to the Pope who told her off the record; "The Popa hasa always hadda the hotsa for Condi!"



He went on; "I hearda him tella Cardinal Luigi Pastavazool that he thoughta she had great legs and a tighta ass and nica tits."



The assistant went on to tell Ms. Mandelbaum that when the Pope was alone with Condi he grabbed her butt and Condi gave him a smack and called him a crazy wop !



And later that day he heard the Pope exclaim; "That black cunt will never set foot in the Vatican again!"



So there you have it --and why should anyone be upset about a little grab ass by the Pope -- when about half his priests are fucking little choir boys?



There's an old saying --the fish rots from the head down.

Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?" With Host Britney Spears

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"To which Bloomis responded ;

"Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids."

Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Oh - and the choice of Britney as host? -"Who can handle cocks better than her" - said Mr. Bloomis.

"Star Shit" Is The New California Gold Rush

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood "

He continues;"My Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King (Elvis) himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? (Star Colon polops?) -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Get Involved or Keep Getting Fucked Like The Sheep You Are!

Here's how easy it is -- Google up "Find My Legislators" -let them know what they have to do to get your vote - pick an issue (mine is anti terrorism related as reflected in my email to my Congressman -Henry Waxman - see below) - Maybe yours is "We want peyote legalized in Cali" or "Legalized marriage with Pets" or "Let's Buy Mexico" -- but if you don't get involved and vote and stay on top of these assholes -you fucking deserve to become extinct.

To Congressman Henry Waxman(30th congressional California) and Senators Boxer and Feinstein:

The article about terrorist training camps ,in the wake of the thwarted German attacks, in yesterdays NY Times should be the final wake -up call for you people to make their elimination your number one priority. What in the hell are we doing -- asking for it! They are operating with relative impunity -- i'm no fanatic -as a matter of fact i share and admire your political philosophy. But --Sir - this has to be a day in and day out effort -- radical measures must be taken (hold a press conference and make yourself heard) Blow Waziristan off the damn map if you have to -- it's just a matter of time and it's an existential threat - and we know they are there! This is what wer'e talking about out here -we don't get the lack of urgency about these training camps.

Thanks
A concerned citizen and voting constituent

Tony Soprano ( JamesGandolfini) Would Wack Thompson And Osama

Fred (Law and Order) Thompson told the press yesterday:

“I think bin Laden is more of a symbolism than he is anything else,” Mr. Thompson drawled. “Bin Laden being in the mountains of Afghanistan or — or Pakistan is not as important as the fact that there’s probably Al Qaeda operatives inside the United States of America.”

And Tony Soprano responded; "A guy puts a hit on your family for no good business reason -- just for laughs - and you let him get away wit it?"


This guy Thompson thinks just like a DA - he's ready to plea bargain. Well this ain't "Law and Order!"


"Are you fucking kidding me ? -- I think Fred musta been in on it to talk like that --maybe we should wack him along with Bin Laden and his whole fucking Muslim family!"


"And when my boys get him -- and they will !(we are already having conversations with some of his two -hundred kids) he is going to beg for death! -- We will work him over with a blow torch and when he passes out we'll give him a transfusion so he can start screaming again (is that considered torture? - i'll ask my consigliere.). " -- "Yo Silvio --that's not torture is it?"

"Oh - and these guys like blowing things up! -- Well they don't know shit about that!" So said the frontrunning Democratic presidential candidate, at a campaign speech in Howard Park, Queens in NYC -- the neighborhood home of John Gotti who is his role model and idol.

"And -- as soon as I'm elected we are going to start blowing up a Mosque every time they blow up some innocent children -- and a sqadron of f22's will zoom in behind the bombers and drop napalm mixed with pig blood over the whole area -- just so no one thinks they are going to Paradise." (they better get all their Virgin fucking done in their local shitholes here on earth).)


He concluded; "And when these faggots get the message that they ain't dealing with the liberal queers in congress any more -- and that we really ARE fucking Satan -- all this shit will quiet down!"


"And then we can start doin Business!"

Tony Soprano To Enter Dem Presidential Primary -- May Run Against DA Arthur Branch For President

Wow! -- It finally happened ! -- The race for president has turned into the ultimate television reality show.


Fred Thompson has jumped into the republican presidential primary and leaped to the front of the pack in a heartbeat -- based on the persona he has acquired from his role in "Law and Order" as NYC DA Arthur Branch .


Howard Dean head of the Democratic party's National Committee announced today; "This guy is going to wipe out any Democratic candidate we put against him!"



"The American people are basically a pack of morons and in the post 911 era a guy with his national television appeal in the role of a tough law man battling evil on the most popular dramatic series on TV --forget it! -- Hillary might as well go back to nagging Bill full time and John Edwards to chasing ambulances; and Barak Obamamama couldn't get elected dog catcher with Fred Thompson in the race!"



"However" - he stated: "With James Gandolfini joining the Democratic primary we have a candidate who will certainly forge ahead to win that contest and subsequently defeat Thompson and take the white House -- it's gonna be president Tony Soprano."



"He will run on the slogan "Let A Mob Boss Protect America" -- "And we predict the largest voter turnout in American history and a landslide victory for President James Gandolfini "



He concluded; "Oh and his VP running mate will be Edie Falco and his cabinet will be comprised of his mob team from the Sopranos --with Paulie Walnuts as national security advisor --and Big Pussie will return as secretary of state and Johnny (sack) Sacramonti will be Secretary of defense -- and the whole west Wing will be a total replication of the Bada Bing office."



Tony (Mr. Gandolfino) issued a short statement saying; "As far as I'm concerned the terrorists are just a rival gang -- and we know exactly what to do about them and the rest of our enemies!"

I Get Better Pussy Than Brad Pitt

You know --i just realized something! i picked up this Australian chick in a club on Sunset Boulevard last night and as i lay in bed looking at her this morning it came (pun -sorry) to me in a flash! --This babe is twice as hot as Angela or Jennifer! --Holy shit! --I get better pussy than Brad Pitt!

No Ferrari - No house on the beach in Malibu - No fifty million in the bank account -- No celebrity status -- Just me and my average size Jewish prick and a few good moves !

Then i began thinking about all the nasty dysfunctional star assholes i catch a glimpse of -- all these macho celebs -- crying about their nasty star babes all over the covers of the tabloids.

I'm checking out at Ralph's with a BBQ chicken for dinner while they are out wining and dining their wacko wives and girlfriends - and then buying them jewelry to get laid while getting their balls broken by these chicks - who i wouldn't fuck with their dicks!

Wow! -- I jumped out of bed and called my buddy Lee -- "Lee" i said! -- 'Would you fuck Katie Holmes?" -- he asked me what i was smoking and replied; "Not with your cock!"

Wow! -- what a revelation! -- now here is Tom Cruise who is a super star worth mega millions and even though he's a midget and a cult fanatic you know this guy could fuck the hottest babes on earth every night of the week and he winds up with a nagging average ugly babe who breaks his balls 24/7 --duh!

The list of Star dudes who get tied down and fucked over by average ugly superstar babes is mind blowing -- i can't get over it! -- I know fat guys living in the Antelope Valley without a pot to piss in who get better pussy than John Beckham. My pal Ernie Greenblatt ( one of the aforementioned fat guys) fucks chicks that bury that bony spice girl moron; and they are cool chicks who love to laugh and can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!

What the hell my brothers! -- what gives here? --What's wrong with you star dudes? -- You definitely need help!

Hey -- how about a reality show? -- "Average Guys Who Get More Pussy Than The Stars"

This is an epiphany! -- I feel like Abraham must have when God spoke to him in the desert for the first time!

I get better pussy than Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise and Russel Crowe and George Clooney -- and you probably do too!

To definitely be continued.

Bush Declares " Total Retribution " When We Get Hit

"Things are sure looking grim out there." said a deeply concerned George W Bush after getting off the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel about the aborted terrorist attack in Germany.

"Angie is a sweetheart and a brilliant and enlightened leader but don't forget she's still one tough Kraut!" said the president, "And the German people and their leaders have been really sensitive about their Muslim situation: But if they get pushed too far those old baking ovens they used in World War Two might just get fired up again -- only it will be baked Muslim extremists this time around!

"With the near misses in Denmark and Germany this week it's crystal clear that sooner or later they are gonna hit us real bad!"

"So -- it is now time to ask ourselves what we can do to payback anyone who is not playing ball in this zero sum game of mindless slaughter -- to decide what our next day response to an attack will be when all we will know is that it came from a specific group like Al Qaeda (or whomever) but we don't know where to specifically retaliate - and every descent American is out there screaming for blood!":"

"Well i am saying right now -- upfront -- that when the slaughter takes place and countless Americans are dead and dying -- here is the very least that you can expect from us -- and unfortunately a lot of innocent bystanders are going to get hurt --it is now raw survival time --big time"

"Here's an example -- in remote areas where we have a general idea that terrorist groups are enjoying safe havens, but we don't know the specific location of their camps -- maybe it's limited nuclear response time!'

"Here's another -- any remote link we find between a political leader or group that has nurtured the Intifada on any level, will be immediately targeted for assassination or general destruction!"

"large scale detentions of Muslims worldwide will be necessary as a part of this Draconian but necessary response - and hopefully (ultimately) will promote a zero tolerance attitude toward extreme fundamentalism by moderate Muslims. Religious and political leaders and the general Muslim population will no longer have the luxury of the sideline!"

" You know -- We wrongfully interned the Japanese population of the USA after Pearl Harbor due to misguided hysteria -- can you imagine what the American people are going to be crying out for after they are ravaged in a massive terrorist attack -- i seriously hope Muslim leaders get the message before it's too late"

The President concluded ;"The gloves are going to come off - and we might just as well let the world know that we are through fucking around -- because sure as shit we are going to get hit hard - and we are not going to worry about being one hundred percent rational in our response -- because we will be blind with rage -- and we have a lot of weight to throw around -- and the liberals will be hiding under the covers,while the most dangerous and powerful humans on Earth start breaking furniture like drunken cowboys on a Saturday night -- worldwide -- with big bombs!"

"Get ready!" --"Oh and i don't want to hear that that this is just what Al Qaeda wants us to do -- because they want a united worldwide Intifada against us Infidels - and they would love us to go berserk"

"We'll just see how many Muslims around the world want to get into paradise by slaughtering innocent men women and children for bullshit --- bring em on!"

"Kid's Nation"Kid's Families Were Threatened By CBS

Six kids from the controversial CBS reality show "Kids Nation" came forward today and told federal investigators that when they tried to leave the production because of the horrible work conditions -- a producer threatened to have their families killed!

Ghen Maynurd,head of CBS reality programming has been under immense pressure about the Kid's treatment on this show; which is being shot in New Mexico under extreme conditions , as the Kid's attempt to rebuild a ghost town.

Jimmy Winkle and Esther Schwartsblum: two of the kids who rebelled against the production and led a group that wanted out of it said today; "We packed our bags and started to leave when three security men armed with AK47's marched into our tent and forced us into a shed -- about three hours later a masked man who we are sure was Louis B Mayer Jr. (the line producer) came in and threatened us!"

He said; "You little spoiled kikes ain't gonna ruin my career and cost CBS millions of dollars! -- Now you immediately go back to work or your families might not be there when you get home."

Winkle and Schwartzblum continued: "Thank god a kind cameraman sneaked us a cellphone and we were able to call for help and get the rest of our gang out of there!"

Asked about the remaining kids on the production they said; "They are all drugged up and scared shitless to leave -- maybe now everything will work out ok?"

Mr. Maynurd could not be reached for comment, but the word on the street is that advertisers are begging to get into the show. With all this dynamite publicity it's sure to be a big hit.

Well that's showbiz!

McDonalds To Employ Chimpanzees

A major labor Day announcement from McDonald's -who like all companies forced to compete in the global marketplace - is committed to using good old American creativity and resourcefulness to beat China and India at their own game.

"McDonald's will be employing five hundred African Chimpanzees in one hundred test stores starting on Christmas day!" said Ernie Fryman. head of human resources for the chain.

He stated; "In test cases the chimps outperformed our entry level labor force which is ninety five percent black by twenty five percent; and the customers just loved it - and our huge black consumer base did not even notice any difference ( i don't think most of them were even aware that they were being served by Chimps)

"Kids of course just loved the Chimps and we project increased sales of twenty percent based on their appeal to the youngsters alone - and response from the general consumer base has been overwhelming."

He went on; "The National Wildlife Federation says this may be the solution to ensure the preservation of mankind's closest animal relative -sharing ninety five percent of our DNA. And Rwanda and Uganda and the Congo where most of the Chimpanzees will be imported from are thrilled!"

Condoleeza Rice said today --"The money that McDonald's is paying for the Chimps will go a long way to help those war torn nations allocate resources to essential human services ."

Asked about the impact on the job market and how it will affect the young black employment market -- Mr. Fryman said; "Well, with projected sales increases and labor and efficiency savings from the Chimps -- we anticipate that we will be able to expand our operations -- move the Chimpanzees into supervisory positions - and allow the chimps to hire a lot of black kids and other minorities.

He concluded; "Of course - they will have to bring their math and reading skills up to the Chimp's standards."

Caitlin Upton Admits She Is A Complete Moron

A team of cognitive neuroscientists and scholars from all over the world have evaluated the response of the Miss American Teen Contestant - Caitlin Upton - to that now famous map question and concluded:

As a prime example of what American culture is producing in terms of it's future leaders -- we predict that the English language and American intellectual and artistic achievements will decline to the level of babble in two generations.

The Chinese leader Chou en Wow had this off camera reaction to the following response from Ms. Upton, "Is she fucking human?"

Her answer, in its entirety, was: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

When Caitlin saw a video of her response she said; "Oh --i'm so much better with text messaging."

Instant and text messaging babble -- our kids are becoming Chimpanzees! -- Hooo hooo hooo hahahahahhh eeee a HeeHeeeehee!

Michael Vick Should be Tested Like His Dogs And Then Locked Up With Them

RICHMOND, Va., Aug. 28 — The fates of the dogs seized from a property owned by Michael Vick hinge on the recommendations from certified animal behaviorists

And reasonably so -- if these unfortunate creatures are going to tear the nuts of the first mailman they see after their brutal torture by Vicks and his buddies -- then they need to be locked up(but certainly not destroyed)

But what about that creature Vick running around loose? Shouldn't a team of shrinks be testing him to make sure he doesn't get angry -- and without his dogs to mame and torture -- hang his date upside down on a meat hook and take a blow torch to her vagina -and then drown her.

And if the shrinks find out he's capable of transfering his pathological appetites for violence onto human animals -- then he should be destroyed!

Because he was the perpetrator ! And i would rather use my tax dollars to pay for supporting his ruined innocent dogs in comfort than pay to keep that rotten viscious creature alive. (unless it's in a cage with his surviving pit bulls)

Senator Larry Craig Vsits "Broke Back Mountain"

"Yup -- we sure was surprised to find out that a good old boy like Senator Larry was getting a dick stuck up his ass when we thought he was either trout fishin or workin hard for us up in the Senate;" said Clem Spivey holding court down at the Old Buck tavern in Spuds, Idaho; a town of six hundred, mostly farmers, not far from where their beloved and respected Senator grew up.

Yep -- the news had broken like an Idaho thunder storm!

"Then came his arrest in June in a Minneapolis airport men's room, where the police had been watching for homosexual activity. The police said Mr. Craig had used foot-tapping to signal his interest in lewd activity, touched the foot of an officer in adjoining stall with his own and reached under the barrier between the stalls."

Marv Goldbloom sipped on his beer and said;"You know --when are as dumb honest hard working schmucks gonna wake up and realize that the biggest hypocrites are men who go around saying how pissed off God is with folks fornicating and getting abortions and cheating on their wives."

He went on; "It's always the preachers and power perverted politicians and repressed priests and loudmouth right wingers like Limbaugh and phony evangelists like Pat Robertson and make believe journalists like Bill Oreilly and self appointed tough guys like Giuliani -- oh hell guys - they are all so full of shit and venom -- and they'd all fuck a pig if no one was a watching."

"You're right Marv!" said Boyd Holcum a strapping potatoe farmer. "And hell-- i hate them pinko lefty liberals in the media! -- But goddam if we would find out shit about this crop of freaks we got a runnin the country if they wasn't always pokin their Jew noses around all the time."

"I hope ole Senator Larry gets a flat tire out on mule road some dark night when i'm around." said Merkel Hammy - the bartender.

Remember that flashback scene in "Broke Back Mountain" where they caved in that queers head and ripped his cock off?"

Broke-back Larry -- the Spud Stud!

Albert (Speedy) Gonzales Finally Gets The Message

Back in June The bandit got the real scoop on Gonzales!

Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress
Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)

Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records:

"Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes.

"Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Men Should Lose The Right To Vote For One Year

Eighty Five years ago Yesterday --This was front Page news

Washington, Aug. 26 -- The half-century struggle for woman suffrage in the United States reached its climax at 8 o'clock this morning, when Bainbridge Colby, as Secretary of State, issued his proclamation announcing that the Nineteenth Amendment had become a part of the Constitution of the United States.

So i have an idea which can save all our asses!

But first let me ask you a few questions:

Did you ever see a woman in a street or bar fight?

Did you ever hear of a woman killing a deer with a high powered rifle?

Did you ever hear of an incompetent female general sending young men to certain mass slaughter.

Did you ever hear of a women drowning and torturing dogs.

Did you ever hear of any women stopping other women from speaking or excercizing their rights.

hey -- you get the point - i could go on forever - but if you want to see what a society looks like where men completely trample on women's rights just look at the Middle East and Africa --the two deepest shitholes on earth!

And forget all that crap about being weak and needing male protection -- you ever heard of Queen Elizabeth or Hillary Clinton? (or any of my four wives)

Women are tougher than men --nature built them with lots of special strengths because they were designed to be storage lockers for all human life. And unlike most testostorone dripping males - they have respect for it.

So - on this anniversary of the day that women got the right to vote -- let's take a one year hiatus from male rule -- before it's too fucking late.

And --if the men don't cooperate --dildo sales should be the biggest selling consumer product on Earth.

Fox Announces --'Deadliest Snatch" Will Join Fall Reality Line-UP

It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .

Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"

"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"

"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"

Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"

'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"

"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."

He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it!"

"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"

Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"

But when Mike --when already?

Fox Announces Penile Dysfunction 911

Coming on the heels of the successful "Nannies 911" and "Neighbors 911" - the hit reality shows produced by Granada Entertainment; Fox TV's master of cultural enlightenment through family friendly TV -- Mike "darling" Darnell -- announced today:



"Penile Dysfunction 911" - will provide a valuable outreach function to millions of American families who are severely impacted by this horrible problem --he continued; "When the man of the house can't get it up everyone in the household is down"



Mike went on; "The frustration permeates the whole family as an aura of negativity doom and sometimes even violent behavior sets in -and of course there's the infidelity that arises from the little woman reaching out elsewhere for the "high hard one" (to coin a baseball metaphor) that she can't get at home."



"Our team of clinical psychiatrists and psychologists and family social workers will be prepared to employ the best therapeutic and drug therapy available in today's arsenal of modern medicine - to tackle the problem.'



"And --we will have the " 911 love van " stocked with six women who make the Victoria Secret models look like boys and know a few things about waking up the old one eyed monstor - and if they can make a Hollywood executive with an eightball and a quart of Remy in his blood stream rise to the occasion - your average penile impaired male should be - no problema"



He concluded; "And if we can't jumpstart the dude? Well then the whole family gets an all expense paid vacation to the " World Penile Dysfunction Clinic" in Basil Switzerland and the little woman gets three month's of guaranteed orgasms -- and an all expense paid divorce."



"Now that's what i call a fair deal and great Television!"

Vick Pleads Guilty To Hanging And Drowning Dogs

The following is the original bandit exclusive on Michael Vick on July 26th - and they call dogs animals?

Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism.

He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs.""He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"

Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.

Common Folks Are Just Jerks To These Rich Scum Bags _ Vote Edwards

"All of the old-timers knew that subprime mortgages were what we called neutron loans — they killed the people and left the houses. The deals made in 2005 and 2006 were going to run into trouble because the credit pendulum at the time was stuck at easy."LOUIS S. BARNES, a partner at Boulder West, a mortgage banking firm

let's stop kidding ourselves! -- Even the glorious founders of our Republic didn't think the great unwashed masses were worth shit --no property no vote -women no vote -- slaves - no problema --income tax --are you kidding --everybody pays on goods and services (rich and poor alike -the same)

Hey-there ain't any better place to go -- so how about you all take time out from using your maxed out credit cards and buying some more shit you don't need - just to get away from your fucked up exploited lives --or from watching some crappy TV show -and vote for John Edwards.

He's an asshole too --but he is betting his political future on being the candidate for us poor and manipulated schmucks.

Or do you want to go on being sold "neutron loans" from people who laugh at you all the way to the bank --smoking twenty dollar cigars at their country clubs.

And if your worrried about security -- Al Quaeda is still laughing at how pitiful our intelligence resources are --we still have about five people who can speak Arabic at the CIA because they are kinda hard to find among Religious Conservatives (a prerequisite for any hiring by the Bushhies)

If you don't care -if your not pissed -- fuck you all --you deserve getting it up your collective assholes by the power brokers!

Jenna Bush Forced To Marry Henry The Wimp

Jenna Bush,fun loving and filled with vitality and spirit; has been pushed into an engagement with a waspy young republican conservative activist from a prominent (connected) West Virginia family -- rednecks with brooks brothers shirts -- who is getting his MBA and has a bright future in money and republican politics.



This marriage will last about as long as it takes for Jenna to find someone who can light up her G spot --and spunky jenna won't be bullied by momma Bush for too long.



A Texas friend of Laura's told the bandit; "Laura told Jenna that she didn't want her marrying anyone like her drunken playboy father was when they first met, and that if it is wasn't for Billy Graham GW would have wound up as a goofy drunkard."


She said; "Laura told Jenna to forget about all those silly notions about passion and spontaneity and exciting love and find a good Christian Republican Conservative from a fine family -- and no Kikes or dark skinned types."


Well, unless Henry turns out to be one fine hunka munka dive bomber -- he ain't gonna last long -- i'm betting on Jenna to find a real man!

Muslims Extremists Set New Standard For Inhumanity

NY Times Report on Bombing Massacre Killing 190 in Kurdish area of Iraq 8-14-07


“The group has long been a minority in Iraq, and after some Yazidis stoned a Yazidi woman to death for dating a Sunni Arab man in April, members of the sect became frequent targets of Sunni attacks. When a video of the Yazidi woman being stoned appeared on the Internet, gunmen stopped minibuses full of Yazidi laborers and killed 23 of them. Many Yazidis have recently moved to villages farther west, where they make up a majority. The deadly assault on Tuesday crushed the hope that there would be safety in numbers — especially near the border with Syria, which American officials have long described as an entry point for foreign fighters.

The explosions also came only a few hours after Iraqi leaders met for lunch in advance of a “crisis summit” meeting to discuss how to solve their sectarian divisions and smooth out their knotted government.
The gathering, like many before it, produced no results. An aide to President Jalal Talabani called the lunch “an icebreaker,” but Adnan Dulaimi, leader of the largest Sunni bloc, said nothing political was discussed.
“It was only an invitation for lunch,” he said. “We didn’t engage in any negotiations.”


That's cool dude -- Let’s do lunch sometime! -When you get back from vacation.

So Long Karl -- And Die Slowly

Can you believe this delusional moron?


"At month’s end, I will join those whom you meet in your travels — the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you. Like them, I will ask for God’s continued gifts of strength and wisdom for you and your work, your vital work for our country and the world and for the Almighty’s continued blessing of our great country."

God used you as a way to destroy the bible belted warped evangelical political ideology that you mainlined into the Republican party -- like heroin -- and give the democrats a political franchise that even they can't fuck up!

I hope you are haunted by the cries of all the innocent men women and children that you helped maim and mutilate and destroy in Iraq with your born again - woopedy doo Democratic vision for a people you did not and do not understand and never will.

So you and your neanderthal buddy Bush can go huntin and a fishin and a prayin while the world recovers from your blind grubby power grab and thankfully short stroll upon the political landscape.

Reason and competency will grow up strong through the dry weeds of your hypocrisy and misguided and blind faith based ideological delusions -- and vision and clarity and thoughtful collective endeavor will rise again.

So long you fucking asshole - eat shit and die!

katie Couric Will Kill To Boost Ratings

As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!

Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins: Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over and becoming the worlds first actual news dummy -- and .having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.

Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke!

On September first, the bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg,
has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report; "Katie Couric kills for you!"

Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -ive tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."

Katie concluded; "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."

Celebrity Colon Polyps Fetch Huge Prices

The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars

"A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab technician.

Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time).

Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million.

"It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet."

He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."

It's a cleansing thought!

NYC Council AttemptsTo Abolish "Bitch"--Vulgar March Planned

NY Times Today

The term is hateful and deeply sexist, said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the word, saying it creates “a paradigm of shame and indignity” for all women.

What's next from the word police? - Well first they banned the "N" word and now their target is the "B' word! Can you fucking believe this escalation of political correctness crap?

How about parents who call their kids stupid and fat and jerk-off and every esteem damaging reference imagine able -- no concern there -why? -because people like Darlene Mealy are politically opportunistic cuntheads.

Well were not gonna take it anymore! The Digibandit has organized a "Vulgar March" -- All defenders of free and unfettered filthy speech will meet at seven am on Saturday August 11th at central Park and Fifth Avenue.

We will march to City Hall screaming a list of obscenities that will be provided and conclude with a chanting of " Darlene You Filthy Cunt" from Houston Street to Whitehall Street.

Upon arriving at City Hall there will be a "Vulgar Dance Party " with live music from a popular village band "The Wild Cocksuckers" and a Jamaican buffet with food donated by a famous Soho Caribbean caterer -- "The Jerk Niggas"

Dogs and children are welcome - so come and march and strike a blow against Bullshit -- and get really Vulgar -- and enjoy!

More Damning Cunt Evidence From Rudy's Wives

NY Times Editorial Today

Animal-lovers around the nation may also be interested to know that Giuliani’s second wife once asked for $1,140 a month in dog support for Goalie, the family retriever. Or that the third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.
The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question. This week a spokesman said he didn’t know, adding: “In the 1970s that was an acceptable medical technique,” which I think we can probably take for a yes.

So- do we want a man who marries women who probably belong in mental institutions -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?

Can world leaders - many who are now thankfully women -- respect a United States president with a cunty wife?

Sorry Rudy -- we need a leader who knows a cunt when he sees one - I'm switching to Hillary!

It takes one to know one.

Rudy Giuliani Married A Real Cunt

So this is the woman that Rudy left his second wife for?

"So Judith was expected to be part of the New Hampshire health care tour. But her plans seemed to have changed about the time a new Vanity Fair profile emerged, one that makes her sound like a particularly unpleasant combination of Catherine the Great and Britney Spears. The article, by Judy Bachrach, accuses her of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07

So --either Judith can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch --or Rudy is deep down -- just another pussy whipped phony!

Either way he's lost my vote.

Bandit Bulletin -- Answer To Iraqi Quagmire --North Korea

Ok -- Bush and the neocons went in and fucked up everything possible. and bullshit and incompetence and misguided ideology ruled and are still the order of the day.



We killed a ton of Innocent people and displaced all the good and competent Iraqis --and strengthened all our enemies and pissed off most of our friends and allies --and threw away billions on wasted projects -and tens of thousands of brave young Americans got wasted and mutilated.



But --But -- But a very cool thing happened! We have established a central battlefield in which to take on the asshole Jihadis and crazed Muslims -- who for whatever fucked up reasons have crawled out of their shitholes to come kill us Infidels in Iraq.

So --let's kill as many of these death worshiping youngsters as possible,as fast as possible, for as long as it takes --- ten or twenty or one-hundred years,like in Europe in the good old days. --But -- NOT with American soldiers!

What? --here's how.-- We go to Il Jong Dingdong the mad fucked up leader of North Korea and offer to pay him one dollar per soldier per day for one million of his craziest gooks!

Now --these soldiers will kill extremists 24/7 and love it just to get three squares of USA military rations. On top of that they will be warm for the first time in their lives. (and maybe we throw in some hookers for every twenty Jehad's tongues or forty balls they bring in.)

Il Jong Dingdong will love the cash and we'll even increase the supply of French cognac and hot pussy and caviar that he craves --and like i said, he won't have to pay his gook Iraqi army a dime.(and we will save a fortune and our troops can come home.)

Everyone will report to General Petraeus so things don't get out of our control and supervision because when the gooks get through we will want to "save the hearts and minds" of the two or three hundred normal Iraquis that will be left.

Pretty cool -- huh?

Oh - and if the North Koreans need some backup --we buy a shitload of crazed brothers from The Congo. (that might be too cruel though)

South Koreans Should Wear Dresses

And --along with Italy who caved into a Taliban hostage threat,thus releasing the mad dog in charge of the South Korean hostage taking, should try and figure out just when and where they lost their balls.


Their response should be: "You kill our hostages and we will send one-hundred thousand of the fiercest gooks on earth over to Afghanistan."


Jesus Christ has history taught us nothing? --There should be one million troops from all over the world in Iraq and in Afghanistan -- are we going to let maniacs run roughshod over a civilized world with vast technological and manpower superiority.


Are the UK and The USA the only governments with balls left on earth?

These people are fucking serious -- it's only a matter of time before they hit with WMD -- and you want to see death and chaos and goodbye TV and shopping?


These crazy bastards need to be overwhelmed with force and rage and our own brand of no holds barred -- zero tolerance cruelty!


The fucking Italians better reread the history of the Roman Empire --these Muslim sickos make the Vandals and Goths look like punk rock bands -- and they had bows and arrows, not nuclear and biological weapons -- and they didn't like to die.


And the South Koreans should harken back to those happy days when the Japs were fucking their women and children in the ass for fun -- the Taliban make the world War Two Japs rook (ha) like girl scouts -- and it's "Oh please -- pretty please release our hostages."


Are you fucking nuts or delusional? Where are your warrior balls? --You better go and find them or islamic fascism will stick them in your mouths after they cut off your heads.

No wonder we have to keep fifty thousand American troops in South Korea to protect our pansy allies from North Korea. Maybe it's all that shitty food?

Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick

The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.

She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"

Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism. He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"

Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs."

"He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"

Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"

Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.

Tammy Bakker Was A Man

Tammy Faye Bakker, the diminutive and elaborately coiffed gospel singer who, with her first husband, Jim Bakker, built a commercial empire around television evangelism only to see it collapse in sex and money scandals, died Friday at her home near Kansas City, Mo. She was 65.

A secret report leaked to the bandit by an assistant in the Kansas City medical examiners office has disclosed that; "When we laid her out on the table in the morgue we all were in shock! -- She/he had a cock!


"It's always been a running joke that she looked like a drag queen but she was always ranting on about her phony religious bullshit and God hates queers and all that nasty ignorant Christian right crapola" said our secret source. "Who would have thought she was a fucking guy?"



He continued ; "And this definitely confirms what a queer wacko her husband. reverend Jim was -- you know i am now convinced that anyone who says he is a reverend should automatically be considered a sick fuck deep down."


"I wouldn't even be surprised if Reverend Billy Graham was a closet drag queen, which would explain his unusual spiritual relationship with Barbara Bush and her retarded born again son -- our president."


"I wouldn't even be shocked if when they finally lay out that old crone Barbara that she also sported a cock."


"Well,what was Tammy's cause of death?" The bandit morgue reporter asked. The Morgician replied; " I could be wrong, and we have lot's of probing to do -- but their is some evidence that her death was caused by a severe colon infection from a giant dildo vibrator that may have exploded in his asshole"



Boy --those Christan fundamentalists are wild folks!

Read This First Paragraph And Then Puke

“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”
To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.



Now, you know that Eric Love would fuck a snake if it slithered across his crotch!


And this is the kind of crap message that the Bush administration is spending huge amount of our tax dollars on to stop high school kids from fucking!


If you want to stop teenagers from fucking --here is the message:


"Hi young hotty -- don't fuck any man with a weeny that's not at least ten inches long --and when you find that man --marry and worship him for the rest of your life! -- in the meantime have fun and stay busy by sucking any weeny you can get your hands on. And use a condom!"

Amen

ps -- we seriously have to consider putting all these religious nuts on a boat to the Congo.

Pope Should Apologize For Ass Fucking By Priests -- And A Special Message From The Digibandit

A day after agreeing to a record $660 million settlement with 508 victims of sexual abuse by members of the clergy in the Archdiocese of Los Angeles, Cardinal Roger Mahony apologized to the victims for “this terrible sin and crime” and said he hoped the settlement would bring a “final resolution."

This horror story is probably a good time to address what people say to me on a regular basis; "You know bandit -- by being so extreme with your filthy language you transcend the basic parameters of satire and fall into unfocused pique and undisciplined and ignorant rage!" - I made that up --what they say is ;"You are a foul mouthed angry Jew!

Well, let's get some things straight!

The point of my linguistic extremism is that there is some behavior - (like religio child molestation and terrorism), for example, that does not deserve the blessing of dignified conversation -- or the validation of ANY form of normative discussion. Such behavior needs to be isolated in the context of it's "outrage" and wrapped in a syntax commensurrate with it's cruel and sick pathology -- with absolute zero tolerence for it's existence. -- The narrative equivalent of squashing a bug!

Yes indeedy, there is a desperate need to empirically analyze and evaluate the root causes of vicious and nihilistic human behavior and to gain understanding and devise treatment options and discuss these matters in a non barbaric context;-- but -- the survival of our loved ones depends on absolute ground level clarity and an immediate response to the enemies at hand - commensurate with their immediate threat level!


Example; -- the fucking Cardinal's apology for ruining innocent kids through predatory and brutally deviate sex -- administered by trusted priests -- ain't worth shit! The Pope should crawl on his belly to a microphone and beg for forgiveness and open up the whole ridiculous Church doctrine to some fresh thinking. And until there are enough Christians with enough brains and balls to see through the deviates that control the Vatican --and cry out "enough you anachronistic power mad cocksuckers" -- children will be fucked in the ass and scarred for life by homo priests.

So you see how inflammatory language ( i feel better already) might work to inspire action? -- Think of Tom Paine's "Common Sense" which inspired the American Revolution -- and think of the digibandit as "Fucking Common Sense!" As adapted for present dangers; where our enemies are not three thousand miles away with muskets and cannons -- but hours away with weapons of mass destruction and taking their orders from a violent God promising them Paradise in return for slaughtering our children and grandmothers. --- And in our local parishes where your local homo vicar is trying to use god to fuck little Johnny up his asshole.


Well, my friends --unless we all get a lot angrier at all this crap and call a spade a spade and cut out all the pc crapolo ; -- the politicians and bad guys are gonna keep getting away with murder! And, if you just keep shopping and watching TV and having fun and games as usual -- and wait for some literate well mannered politician to save your stupid fucking asses -- and don't jump into the game -- well -- "Just you wait Henry Higgins --Just you wait -- you'll be sorry but your tears will come too late ("My Fair Lady --the Musical)

My dog is named Liza,after the orphan girl, Liza Doolitle, in that musical, and i'm going up into the mountains with her above the Hollywood Hills, as usual, and say a fucking prayer to whatever asshole created us -- because this ain't no fucking Musical!


Oh -- and the Pope is an ignorant medieval cocksucker!

Muslim Extremism Due To Lack OFCelebrities -- Says New Study

Doctor Menschel Weintraub, director of social neuroscience at the Institute For The Study Of Social Dystopia, in West Hollywood , California, announced: "We have compelling evidence that Arab Muslims are suffering significant mental trauma from a complete lack of "Celebrity" in their culture!"

"And we are not talking about their worshiping human throwbacks like the Ayatolah Khomeini -- or other such tyrants -- as replacements for Victoria Beckham or Paris Hilton or Lyndsay Lohan -- who keep America's masses distracted from their pitiful lives."

He continued; "If you basically dislike your work and wife and even yourself, and if life basically sucks ; -- Is a picture on your living room wall of an angry old smelly Mullah going to relieve your distress?"

"Nope -- the Romans knew exactly how to relieve the ignorant masses from their anxiety -- extreme sports and extreme violence and extreme displays of pussy! And just to insure that no one got to focused on the shit of their daily lives -- they always had plenty of booze available and lot's of military conquests going on."

"If the masses of ignorant American's did not have their celebrities they would be in fucking misery --And that's with all the bling and gadgets and shit food and all the other mindless diversions to which they have access and persue like commercial gluttons."

He continued; "Now the Arab extremists haven't had a cultural success story in over a thousand years. They are broke - exploited by their own leaders -- have no clue about pussy -- virtually no art or literature -- their TV and sports are a joke -- zero laughs -- drink fourteen cups of coffee a day -- no air conditioning -- no booze or drugs - food sucks and they have been totally marginalized militarily. ( and down deep they know we will kill them all, like cockroaches, when they piss us off enough) -- And they have NO celebrities."

Doctor Weintraub concluded; "So -- until you see a Muslim counterpart to Victoria Beckham shaking her skinny ass at The Dome of The Rock with a million Arabs screaming -- "Al matakbe valatka Mossho vlantash pooshhee ! poosshee! pooshees!" ( which means sit on my beard you hot sandy pussy in Arabic) -- the violence will continue

Mitt Romney Says Polygamy Is The Only Way For A Happy Marriage

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!

The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only fuck one woman for the rest of his life!" He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:

" A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and cumming once a month is what a sex life is all about."

"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me - these yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch porno - have zero puusy options and they should not be judging those who do!"

"Now i want a family and a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny celebrity addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and wornout and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"

"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office -- cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."

He's definitely got my vote!

Conservative "Family Guy" Louisiana Senator Was Fucking Whores

“I’m a conservative who opposes radically redefining marriage, the most important social institution in human history,” Mr. David Vitter, a 46-year-old Republican, wrote in a letter last year to The Times-Picayune, the New Orleans daily.
That self-created image, a political winner here since 1991, when Mr. Vitter joined the Louisiana House, took a tumble Monday with the disclosure that his phone number was among those on a list of client numbers kept by Deborah Jeane Palfrey, the so-called D.C. Madam, who is accused of running a prostitution ring in Washington."

"So this report in todays New York Times should come as no surprise to anyone with half a brain!" said Doctor Herschel Mandelbaum, head psychiatrist at the National Center for Male Lust, in Eugene Oregon.

"Every study that has ever been done on the male libido, and it's cognitive and physiological response to hot pussy; -- has conclusively shown that the prick has a very strong mind of it's own!"

He added; "And in the case of male religious conservatives these studies have shown that seventy percent of them will jump anything they can! The family value thing is right out the window when the one eyed monstor starts to rise -- fortunately for their families most of these bible thumpers are very unnatractive to women and have low levels of testosterone and small dicks -- otherwise they would fuck their pets!"

Dr.Mandelbaum, who is the world authority on male libidian behavior further stated; "And in the case of male politicians who espouse conservative family values -- our studies have shown with a margin of error of less then one percent, that when arroused -- they would fuck a snake!"

In conclusion the Doctor stated: " When finally caught with their peckers hanging out they always say, as in the case of Senator Vitter, -- "I am so sorry that i sinned in the past before i found the Lord --yadadadada."

"It's all bullshit! -- If a female aid winked at them seconds after their bullshit cries of contrition - they would throw her in the back of their limo and fuck her like a dog in heat!"

Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist -- Hillary claims she's half black!

The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period!

'He even thought about changing his name to Lance Barak" - said Dr. Maury Goldfarb. There has been no comment from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: "Well, i have my own announcement to make that's quite a shocker -- i am half black! -- so how about that my brothas and sistas?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honky's too --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson

"And all the ignorant rednecks will be sittin around today in eugenics heaven" -- I can hear them now down at the shitbird cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."

Rev,Sharpton concluded;"And if Hillary Clinton is half black i will eat her pussy in Macy's window!"

Serena Williams Scared The Shit Out OF Russians At Wimbledon

Those tall leggy Russian tennis players who Serena Williams defeated at Wimbledon complained to the British Tennis Society today; "I was constantly afraid that she would rip through the net and trample me like a giant black Rhinocerous" said Elenya Smyrynosposkayovich after losing to Williams ,whose nickname is Gevaltnegtuckismaya --which means "A giant black ass rolling down a hill" in Russian.

The head of the British safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent Serena from ploughing right on through when she thunders up to the net; "Our tests have shown, said Sir Arthur Cornwitz, that a woman of her size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court."

He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the Royal Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on British aircraft carriers to stop our planes from crashing through and into the ocean -- but Admiral Sir Meyer Pinsky Captain of the battle carrier HMS Horatio Nelson expressed his concern; "Having seen the thrusting power of this amazing amazon on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her."

When confronted with the dilemma Serena said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test his burly black ass!"

Drunken Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas Say's America's Black Slaves Were Lucky Ones

Clarence Thomas set off some fireworks at a fourth of july cocktail party when in a drunken rage he screamed; "The blacks are always saying i'm an uncle Tom and a disgrace to my race because i don't manipulate the power of the constitution to save their lazy black asses!"

A guest at the party said he ranted on and on;"These are the same type of niggas who picked on me as a kid for being too black, and then later said i was a traitor for marrying a white woman --they just a bunch of drug addicts and ignorant loafers who are damn lucky to have gotten the hell out of that shithole Africa -- compliments of the slave trade."

Thomas who was confirmed by the slimmest margin in history (one vote) to the Supreme Court, after reports surfaced about his love of pornography and sexual harrassment of his law school colleague Anita Hill; has taken every opportunity as a justice to block affirmative action on behalf of minorities and has been a staunch conservative and strict constructionist -- in lock step with Anthony Scalia.

"Seventy five percent of the blacks who were shipped out of Africa as slaves would have died of aids or someother nasty tropical disease -- or been killed by some other murderous nigger -- or been eaten by a crocodile or whatever else kind of stinking creature what lives in their rotten filthy jungles!" -- he ranted, -- and when his white wife tried to calm him down he shouted at her; "Shut up you white whore - when we get home i'll drive my Anaconda (a huge black snake) up your butt!"

"Those blackass liberals like Rev Sharpton would probably have had their nuts cut off by some wabboongi or Tutu or Hutu or You Tu, instead of getting to make excuses for niggas who leave their families and do dope and crime instead of getting educated and working to survive against all odds - like me."

The anonymous party guest stated; "He was really drunk and pissed off about the article that leaked out on digibandit.com about his beating off under his robe while in judicial hearings --and that being the reason he has never asked a question from the bench."

He yelled ''Some lousy nigger leaked that story to the bandit -- a no good motherfucker who just wants everything handed to him on a silver platter -- maybe these dumb fucks should pay back the USA for getting their relatives out of that shithole deathtrap of a black continent where they would have starved their black asses to death instead of eating themselves into diabetes and hypertension and obesity at Mc Donalds!"

When chief justice John Roberts got wind of the drunken incident with his associate he said; "Oh ,heh heh heh -- ole Clarence was just letting off a little July Fourth steam -- that's just part of the good old American spirit and tradition --heh heh heh!"

Happy Holiday!

Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile -- to Target Stinking Muslim Extremist

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror.

"General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" ."Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance.

If i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country .

"President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That's Democracy!"

"Anne Coulter Looks Like Shit Naked" -Says Ex Boy Friend

Meyer Goldfat,Coulter's high school sweetheart said: "The reason she's turned into such a vicious sour apple and man hating cunt, is that she has not been laid since we broke up in i982!"

"I only srewed her once after the senior high graduation party -- she was wasted on booze and vi-codeine and actually she looked so ugly naked that i just rolled her over and stuck it up her corn hole", said Goldfat.

She is really frustrated, and all the cool guys in college she wanted to fuck just made fun of her. (her nickname was "Annie rottencrotch") Most of them were idealistic and liberal and that's the reason she hates Democrats with such a passion."

He continued;"One guy in particular, who she was really hot for, looked like a clone of presidential candidate John Edwards; and he was really brutal in his rejection -- he would put poems all over "Annie smelly rotten crotch -- kicks the ugly up a notch,"

So, said Goldblatt, "You can see why she hates John Edwards!" He added, "I kind of feel sorry for her, but the truth is she was a rotton vicious cunt even as a child -- she was a ball breaker in kindergarten -- just a natural born cunt!"

Katie Couric To Get Head Of Walter Cronkite

Well -- showing a nipple didn't work! -- Turning her into the first "news dummy" by giving her a new voice didn't work! (all previously reported by the digibandit) -- now it's one last chance for Katie to survive her horrible ratings.

Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"

Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."

Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."

Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."

Paris Hilton Blows Larry King For Interview

A production assistant on the Larry King show has "blown" the whistle on his boss! --"Paris went into his office and i heard her whining and crying about how the broadcast networks wouldn't pay for her jail story and how Barbara Walters called her a slut and a moron and told her to go see that pimp Larry King ." -- said the assistant."

He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."

Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"

Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."

"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."

Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.

Hillary says Bill Is Under Control With Her New Blow Job Power

Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: "

After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.

"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"

"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?"

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"

To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?

Koran Says "No Oral Sex" -- Scholar Says "Thats 'The Muslim's Main Problem"

The great Islamic scholar, Hairarry Mufki Pufki said at Cairo University today; “The primary reason that so many Arab societies are dysfunctional and that Islamic fascism is taking over the Middle East is that -- The Koran forbids oral sex!”

In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”

The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”

When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”

Ah! --so that’s it!

Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings

An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"

He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.

"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.

Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."

Fox Announces "She's Got Balls!"

Arnold Schlock, president of Fox reality television, announced their next breakthrough in family friendly -- trans gender -- reality programming.

"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.

"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"

"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.

"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."

Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?

"

Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress

Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because

"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.

"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.

When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Bible Park USA Will Become America's Vatican

Christianity is about to realize it's true potential!

Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.

The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.

"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.

He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.

God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!

A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!

To be continued:

Paris Hilton's Pubic Hair Smuggled Out Of Jail

A lock of Paris Hilton's pubic hair which a fellow prisoner snagged from a bar of soap she had used --was smuggled out of LA county jail and will be sold on ebay --starting bids already exceed 250 thousand dollars from an undisclosed Saudi prince.

The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..

Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."

She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"

"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"

"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"

You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!

God says "Knock Off Political Prayer - Or Else!" -- Says Pope

"God is on overload!", said Pope Benedick today. "He has enough to handle without listening to Barak Obama and John Edwards et al. wining to him about their pseudo passion for the healing properties of Religion and Faith as they seek political power.

He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."

God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"

The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."

God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"

"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"

Gay Cali Prisoners Denied Asshole Lubricant

Gay Inmates to Be Granted Conjugal Visits in California
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.

However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.

"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"

He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."

He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."

Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."

"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"