Us Corporate Failures Should Consider Suicide

BEIJING (Reuters) - The boss of a Chinese toy manufacturing company involved in a Mattel recall after its products were found to contain excessive lead levels has hanged himself, Chinese media reported on Monday.

Zhang Shuhong, a Hong Kong businessman in his 50s and boss of the Lida Toy Company in the southern province of Guangdong, was found dead in his factory workshop on Saturday, the semi-official Southern Metropolitan Daily said.

About 1.5 million preschool toys made by Lida Toy, a Foshan-based contract manufacturer for Mattel Inc.'s Fisher-Price unit, were recalled across the globe by the U.S. company last week.

Zhang is my kind of guy! No excuses and no one hundred million payout deal for fucking up. He saves the wife and kids years of listening to his recriminations and crybaby crapola - the stock holders save a huge pile of money; and the public and his financial cronies get an object lesson in real old fashioned accountability.

Hey -- Roman generals fell on their swords and Samurai warriors opened up their guts with a knife! --The least that those pampered failures at Enron or Citigroup or those Savings and Loan guys could do is follow the wonderful and ballsy example of Zhang Shuhong and go out and hang themselves.

And it should be mandated by the Securities and Exchange Commission that every board room of the fortune five hundred companies and all Hedge Fund executive offices have a picture prominently displayed on their wall of Zhang Shuhong swinging in the breeze. (that is, of course, until we build up a domestic rogues gallery of corporate swingers (pun))

Which one of you guys wants to be first? -- C'mon - Go out in style!

My Idea To Save The Writers and The Entertainment Industry

There are now thousands of people walking picket lines and sitting in bars - creatively bullshitting one another -- who are usually busy bullshitting the rest of us -- putting down the words and phrases that keep us all from having to think about our shitty jobs –wives –responsibilities and fears and inadequacies -- death and dying - rejection and insecurities -- starving children in Dar-fur and getting a poisoned ball bearing in your guts and your legs blown into Hoboken by some illiterate moron trying to get into heaven.

Their bosses and financiers who control the entertainment distribution pipelines are like any other greedy businessman out to screw the little guy; only in this case the little guy can turn his energies into escapist comedy and tragedy instead of cleaning out a bedpan or driving a truck –so he gets more attention from us. (Karl Marx didn’t like that)

The way to deal with the networks is NOT to deal with them!

The writers should begin by creating a bunch of “Writer Blogs” -on which they can create a 24/7 parade of funny and dramatic programming (like one big SNL show) that encompasses the whole spectrum of entertainment programming.

Create synergy with You Tube ( and the whole UGC universe) for visual support and Current TV for news coverage and -- the whole collaboration could become :

“The Peoples Television Network”

And when it gets a billion hits worldwide –which it most certainly would - in come the advertisers. Then project expands into separate programs by entertainment genre across the Internet -- and the decline of the network dinosaurs will be accelerated by about a decade.

The hedge fund monsters will pour financing in -and actors and directors and all the necessary support folks will eventually follow the bucks and flock to the enterprise. Hell –there’s enough creative and production folks out of work at any given time in Hollywood to staff a dozen networks at a moments notice.

And the suits and bean counters at the networks will all be sitting around in shock wondering what they used to do – and why --and what the fuck went wrong?.

So start doing what you Writers do --Write! --entertain us - and laugh all the way to the bank.

And then YOU can start exploiting the NEW little guys -- it's the American way.

Mitt Romney - Caught Telling Truth About His Sex Life

Mitt Romney Says Lots'a Pussy Is The Only Way For A Happy Marriage
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!

The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only fuck one woman for the rest of his life!"

He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:" A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantlyonce a month is what a sex life is all about."

"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me - these yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch porno - have zero puusy options and they should not be judging those who do!"

"Now i want a family and a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and wornout and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"

"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office -- cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."

He's definitely got my vote!

Don Imus Returns -- Woopee --Remember This Blog?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times
The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit.

"It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.

Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from ideologues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).

All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).

So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?

Any recommendations?

Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors

Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:

" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -

"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."

"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"

President To Use Hollwood Talent To Stop Islamofascism

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!

You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

'We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:"

"Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:

"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!"

"And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"

"Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist -- Hillary claims she's half black!

The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period!

"He even thought about changing his name to Lance Barak" - said Dr. Maury Goldfarb. There has been no comment from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: "Well, i have my own announcement to make that's quite a shocker -- i am half black! -- so how about that my brothas and sistas?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honky's too --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson"

he went on; "And all the ignorant rednecks will be sittin around today in eugenics heaven -- I can hear them now down at the shitbird cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba - i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in Himey Town"

The Rev,Sharpton concluded;"And if Hillary Clinton is half black i will eat her pussy in Macy's window!"

Dreamworks/Disney Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" For Gay Children

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids
Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday.

“We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" "Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is queerer than Studsy.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out.”

"And ‘Studsy’ does indeed "break-out" in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows -- He ‘breaks out’ of the closet( a metaphor for his closet) and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every steer and bull in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one.

'At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

The producers concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art.

And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .

McDonalds To Employ Chimpanzees

A major announcement from McDonald's -who like all companies forced to compete in the global marketplace - is committed to using good old American creativity and resourcefulness to beat China and India at their own game.

"McDonald's will be employing five hundred African Chimpanzees in one hundred test stores starting on Christmas day!" said Ernie Fryman. head of human resources for the chain.He stated; "In test cases the chimps outperformed our entry level labor force which is ninety five percent black by twenty five percent; and the customers just loved it - and our huge black consumer base did not even notice any difference ( i don't think most of them were even aware that they were being served by Chimps)"

He continued; "Kids of course just loved the Chimps and we project increased sales of twenty percent based on their appeal to the youngsters alone - and response from the general consumer base has been overwhelming."

The National Wildlife Federation said today that this may be the solution to ensure the preservation of mankind's closest animal relative -sharing ninety five percent of our DNA. -- "Rwanda and Uganda and the Congo where most of the Chimpanzees will be imported from are thrilled!

Condoleeza Rice said today --"The money that McDonald's is paying for the Chimps will go a long way to help those war torn nations allocate resources to essential human services."

Asked about the impact on the job market and how it will affect the young black employment market -- Mr. Fryman said; "Well, with projected sales increases and labor and efficiency savings from the Chimps -- we anticipate that we will be able to expand our operations -- move the Chimpanzees into supervisory positions - and allow the chimps to hire a lot of black kids and other minorities".He concluded; "Of course - they will have to bring their math and reading skills up to the Chimp's standards."

God bless American ingenuity!

Fox announces "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor

Fox has got a lot of cajones (balls to you gringos) in addition to be being cutting edge creative!

Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience.

"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome:president of Fox entertainment.

This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.

Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!"

"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --it will be bigger than Idol.

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off.

Fox Announces "Green Card" Hosted By Paris Hilton

Once again those creative people over at Fox TV have found a way to provide a fun reality show with a positive social twist.

A group of fabulous looking men and women will compete for the affection of American citizens who have agreed to marry the winners - thereby gaining them LEGAL alien status.

Paris Hilton told the bandit Hollywood reporter today; "I'm so excited about doing something worthwhile in my fucked up life - some lucky illegals will get a chance to fuck their way into American citizenship thanks to Fox TV."

She continued; "I'm like the perfect host for this cool new show and i might even marry one of those wetbacks myself if he can really light up my G spot and get my crab grass under control"

President Bush upon hearing about the show said; "Heh heh -- well, you know the Fox news channel has been called the "Bush News Network" and they always know how to arrange the news just right for us real Americanos -- and now along comes this "Green Card" show which might just be the answer to the immigration problema we've been lookin for --hooray Fox!"

The contestants will spend a week at a resort with their potential future partners and will perform various housekeeping and landscaping and cooking and of course sex related activities.

Finally their will be wedding and"Green Card"ceremonies for the lucky winners -- presided over by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. (and Paris of course)

The President of Mexico was overheard telling an aide; "I would love to fuck Paris Hilton in the burrito -- they can keep the green card"

God bless Fox television and America!

Condoleeza Rice Teams With Best Foods To Launch -- "Condoleeza Brown Rice"

Well commercial endorsements by political leaders had to happen sooner or later -- and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has signed a seven figure deal with Best Foods International to manufacture a "brown" rice product with her name and likeness on the box -- "Condoleeza Rice".

And the word is that this is just the beginning; Vice president Dick Cheney is reportedly in negotiations with the world's largest manufacturer of security fences to endorse a new advanced line which will be called "Cheney Link Titanium Fences." with the slogan "Nothing Get's Through!"

A huge deal is being negotiated between George and Laura Bush and Proctor and Gamble for the release of "George and Laura Bush Baked Beans."

And even a Supreme Court Justice is getting into the act with a six figure advance to Justice Clarence Thomas from General Foods for -- "Clarence Thomas' Whitey Boy Muffins"

House Speaker nancy Pelosi is rumored to have turned down several million dollars from Maidenform to appear in a bras commercial "The Speaker Stands Firm In Her Maidenform Bra.!" -- But negotiations continue.....

What's next? -- "Barak Obama Pancake Mix?'

Stay tuned!

NBC Buys Oxygen - Oprah To Launch "Sex - Bling and Cock" Channel

Oxygen Media began in February 2000 with enormous fanfare and a group of high-profile backers, chief among them Ms. Winfrey. It aimed to be a serious contender for ratings with the Lifetime Network, the leading cable channel for women.

So here is a sample of some of their most successful shows -- the ones that their "women" just love -- and which made Jeff Drecker (NBC Boss) drool and pay 925 million for it. "A perfect fit with the NBC family" - he says -- Excuse me while i puke!

Campus Ladies: The acclaimed improv comedy is back with a guest-star studded 2nd season and further adventures of suburban housewives Joan and Barri turned college party girls.
Girls Behaving Badly: Hilarious hidden camera hi-jinks from a distinctly female POV.
Absolutely Fabulous: Sin is in in this British cult hit series following extravagant Edina and her bad girl gal pal Patsy.
.
Reality
The Bad Girls’ Road Trip: The girls hit the road for a cross-country trip to meet each other’s friends and family, visit the other ‘bad girls’ in their hometowns and get new recruits for the second season.
The Bad Girls Club: Find out what happens when seven bad girls live under one roof in Oxygen's new reality series from the producers of Real World.
Fight Girls: Ten young female fighters live and train together for a shot at competing in the World Muay Thai championship.
Tori & Dean: Inn Love: Tori Spelling and new husband Dean McDermott go from in-crowd to inn keepers when they open a new B&B.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Model turned mogul Janice Dickinson returns with an all-new season of attitude as she strives to make her modeling agency thrive.
Tease: Lisa Rinna hosts the ultimate battle for hair supremacy as home town challengers face off against Master Stylists.
Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance: Comedienne Mo'Nique's televised beauty pageant for big and beautiful women. The 3rd annual pageant premieres this summer. Stay tuned.
Snapped: Oxygen's hit true-crime series profiles the fascinating cases of women accused of murder.
Captured: Captured is an engrossing true-crime series that puts women at the center of solving mysteries.
Real Weddings from the Knot: A behind-the-scenes look from the bride's point of view of what really happens during the three weeks before her wedding.

Web Only
Our Bodies, Myself: Self-help guru Lauren Butterfield hosts Oxygen's first web exclusive show celebrating all things woman -- even the parts that smell bad.

Sex & Relationships
Talk Sex: No question about love and sex is too delicate for straight-talking "Sex Grandma" Sue Johanson.

Talk
The Tyra Banks Show: The former super model's daily talk show focusing on women's dreams, hopes and challenges.

Action
Xena: Warrior Princess: The formidable warrior princess takes on all forms of bad dudes in this cult adventure show.

Wow! -- Congratulations girls -- you certainly showed the world what American Women are made of - and stand for - and are really interested in:

Sex - Bling -- and Cock!

Tony Soprano Will Rub Out Fred Thompson!

Tony Soprano To Enter Dem Presidential Primary -- Will Run Against DA Arthur Branch (Fred Thompson) For President

Wow! -- It finally happened ! -- The race for president has turned into the ultimate television reality show. -- Fred Thompson has jumped into the republican presidential primary and leaped to the front of the pack in a heartbeat -- based on the persona he has acquired from his role in "Law and Order" as NYC DA Arthur Branch .

Howard Dean head of the Democratic party's National Committee announced today; "This guy could wipe out any of the current Democratic candidates!"

"The American people are basically a pack of morons and in the post 911 era a guy with his national television appeal in the role of a tough law man battling evil on the most popular dramatic series on TV --forget it! "

He continued; "Hillary might as well go back to nagging Bill full time and John Edwards to chasing ambulances; and Barak Obamamama couldn't get elected dog catcher with Fred Thompson in the race!"

"However" - he stated: "With James Gandolfini joining the Democratic primary we have a candidate who will certainly forge ahead to win that contest and subsequently defeat Thompson and take the white House -- it's gonna be president Tony Soprano."

"He will run on the slogan "Let A Mob Boss Protect America" -- "And we predict the largest voter turnout in American history and a landslide victory for President James Gandolfini "He concluded; "Oh and his VP running mate will be Edie Falco and his cabinet will be comprised of his mob team from the Sopranos --with Paulie Walnuts as national security advisor --and Big Pussie will return as secretary of state and Johnny (sack) Sacramonti will be Secretary of defense -- and the whole west Wing will be a total replication of the Bada Bing office.

"Tony (Mr. Gandolfino) issued a short statement saying; "As far as I'm concerned the terrorists are just a rival gang -- and we know exactly what to do about them and the rest of our enemies!"

Bada Bing! -- Bada Boom!

Larry Mo and Curly --Bush - Rumsfeld and Cheney --The Three Stooges

VP Cheney A Stooge Relative
Well, it should come as no surprise to anyone who has followed Dick Cheney's performance as Vice President -- That the Bandit has learned that he is in fact -- the nephew of the famous Three Stooge's member-- -- "Curly."

President Bush said "I knew he reminded me of someone -- i am a big fan of The Stooges yuk yuk yuk".

Ex Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld and an old pal of Cheney said "Yep -- as a matter of fact when i was younger and had lot's of hair i strongly resembled Mo . -- And it is strangely coincidental that the President looks a lot like larry!"

So there you have it -- Bush Rumsfeld and Cheney -- Larry - Mo - and Curly -- the Three Stooges of American foreign policy!

Isiah Thomas - Another Shitty Example For Black Youth

On the witness stand, Mr. Thomas denied virtually every allegation made by Ms Anuncha. Browne Sanders. He denied swearing at her, ogling her, hugging her with amorous intent and telling her that he loved her and that she was beautiful and so attractive as to be a workplace distraction for him.

The harassment verdict was widely expected after the jury sent a note to the judge Monday indicating that it believed Thomas and the other defendants, Madison Square Garden and MSG chairman James Dolan, sexually harassed Browne Sanders, a married mother of three.

Her Honors and awards

Sports Business Journal 's "40 under 40" list, given to up-and-coming young sports executives. [1]1993: Inducted into the Northwestern Athletics Hall of FameNorthwestern University's Athlete of the Decade for the 1980s.

It's definitely time for some scientific inquiry into the black (no pun intended) hole of "political incorrectness" - to examine whether black males have a wee bit of a testosterone management issue.

Their rampant misogyny is probably the result of cultural neglect - but maybe they could get their shit together for the sake of the kids -- how about it you big strong black assholes?

Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas Is A Disgrace
Sworn testimony of Professor Anita Hill at Thomas' judicial hearings -- as follows:

"One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office," she said. "He got up from the table at which we are working, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and said, 'Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?' On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal, and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex." Another time, she said, he talked about a movie called "Long Dong Silver."

That was just a small portion of the testimony by Anita Hill, a professor of social policy, law and women’s studies at Brandeis University, and a visiting scholar at the Newhouse Center for the Humanities at Wellesley College -- which unfortunately was ignored by the good ole boys in Congress -- and "Long Dong" was confirmed by one vote ( the smallest margin in history) and took his place as the worst Supreme Court Justice in history - and a disgrace to all African American's.

Professor Hill said about "Dong's" new book "My Grandfather's Son" -- "Justice Thomas’s characterization of me is also hobbled by blatant inconsistencies. He claims, for instance, that I was a mediocre employee who had a job in the federal government only because he had “given it” to me. He ignores the reality: I was fully qualified to work in the government, having graduated from Yale Law School (his alma mater, which he calls one of the finest in the country), and passed the District of Columbia Bar exam, one of the toughest in the nation

.In 1981, when Mr. Thomas approached me about working for him, I was an associate in good standing at a Washington law firm. In 1991, the partner in charge of associate development informed Mr. Thomas’s mentor, Senator John Danforth of Missouri, that any assertions to the contrary were untrue. Yet, Mr. Thomas insists that I was “asked to leave” the firm."

Justice Thomas is a sick fuck - and he's got one of the most powerful jobs in America -- for life!

It's time to change the law which gives lifetime job security to Supreme Court Justices - and which eliminates any possibility to rectify a huge mistake - like Justice Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas.

Blackwater Is Like Santa Clause Compared To Iraqi Leaders

"We have 1,000 guys out in the field. People make mistakes, they do stupid things sometimes."ERIK D. PRINCE, chief executive of Blackwater USA, which is under scrutiny for shootings by its employees in Iraq.

So Mr. Nuri al Maliki - Prime Minister of Iraq - what kind of men do you think are willing and able to guard the high level officials who are trying to save your asses - in the middle of a Muslim slaughter pit?

The shit hits the fan every once in a while because one of your fellow countrymen is hanging around on every fucking corner waiting to kill someone because they have nothing better to do.

Millions of innocent men women and children have been killed or wounded or uprooted -- your government is totally corrupt and dysfunctional -- and your whining about an unfortunate and non deliberate violent accident by individuals hired by a country that will soon have spent a trillion dollars and the lives of four-thousand great soldiers to deliver you from a madman -and give you a shot at a real life?

How about standing up -will someone -anyone -stand up and start screaming about the fuckers killing everyone in sight -day in and day out -- because of some argument fourteen hundred years ago about who should report directly to God!

How about we agree it should be Bugs Bunny --and then you can all go back to the Bronze Age and give it another try --Asshole!

The only more delusional asshole than you is George Bush!

Whew - i feel a lot better now --it's Miller time!

Clarence Thomas' New Book - "My Grandfather's Son - The Jerk-Off Justice"

The following exclusive report i blogged back in September, revealed an interesting insight into Justice Thomas' behavior that he left out of his new book "My Grandfather's Son"



Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:



"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering!

"Oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda



."Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time.



"Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.



Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill Oreilly and Rush Limbaugh and - oh well - it's pathetic. -- So now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice"

That should have been the title of his just released book - "My Grandfather's Son --The Jerk -Off Justice"

Try writing that in Iran!

Isiah Thomas - Another Shitty Example For Black Youth

Sept. 26: On the witness stand, Mr. Thomas denied virtually every allegation made by Ms Anuncha. Browne Sanders. He denied swearing at her, ogling her, hugging her with amorous intent and telling her that he loved her and that she was beautiful and so attractive as to be a workplace distraction for him.



The harassment verdict was widely expected after the jury sent a note to the judge Monday indicating that it believed Thomas and the other defendants, Madison Square Garden and MSG chairman James Dolan, sexually harassed Browne Sanders, a married mother of three.



Honors and awards
Sports Business Journal 's "40 under 40" list, given to up-and-coming young sports executives. [1]
1993: Inducted into the Northwestern Athletics Hall of Fame
Northwestern University's Athlete of the Decade for the 1980s.

It's definitely time for some scientific inquiry into the black (no pun intended) hole of "political incorrectness" - to examine whether black males have a wee bit of a testosterone management issue.

Their rampant misogyny is probably the result of cultural neglect - but maybe they could get their shit together for the sake of the kids -- how about it you big strong black assholes.

Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas Is A Disgrace

Sworn testimony of Professor Anita Hill at Thomas' judicial hearings -- as follows:

"One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office," she said. "He got up from the table at which we are working, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and said, 'Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?' On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal, and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex." Another time, she said, he talked about a movie called "Long Dong Silver."



That was just a small portion of the testimony by Anita Hill, a professor of social policy, law and women’s studies at Brandeis University, and a visiting scholar at the Newhouse Center for the Humanities at Wellesley College -- which unfortunately was ignored by the good ole boys in Congress -- and "Long Dong" was confirmed by one vote ( the smallest margin in history) andtook his place as the worst Supreme Court Justice in history - and a disgrace to all African American's.





Professor Hill said about "Dong's" new book "My Grandfather's Son" -- "Justice Thomas’s characterization of me is also hobbled by blatant inconsistencies. He claims, for instance, that I was a mediocre employee who had a job in the federal government only because he had “given it” to me. He ignores the reality: I was fully qualified to work in the government, having graduated from Yale Law School (his alma mater, which he calls one of the finest in the country), and passed the District of Columbia Bar exam, one of the toughest in the nation.
In 1981, when Mr. Thomas approached me about working for him, I was an associate in good standing at a Washington law firm. In 1991, the partner in charge of associate development informed Mr. Thomas’s mentor, Senator John Danforth of Missouri, that any assertions to the contrary were untrue. Yet, Mr. Thomas insists that I was “asked to leave” the firm."



Justice Thomas is a sick fuck - and he's got one of the most powerful jobs in America -- for life!



A great reason to change the laws regarding life tenure for Supreme Court Justices!

Prison Is A Vacation For Most Young Black Hoodlums - It's Punishment Time!

America has more than two million citizens behind bars, the highest absolute and per capita rate of incarceration in the world. Black Americans, a mere 13 percent of the population, constitute half of this country’s prisoners. A tenth of all black men between ages 20 and 35 are in jail or prison; blacks are incarcerated at over eight times the white rate.

The effect on black communities is catastrophic: one in three male African-Americans in their 30s now has a prison record, as do nearly two-thirds of all black male high school dropouts. These numbers and rates are incomparably greater than anything achieved at the height of the Jim Crow era. What’s odd is how long it has taken the African-American community to address in a forceful and thoughtful way this racially biased and utterly counterproductive situation.

How, after decades of undeniable racial progress, did we end up with this virtual gulag of racial incarceration? Well if you listen to Jesse Jackson or The Rev.Al Sharpton it's all the fault of us racist whiteys!
.
But there is another equally important cause: the simple fact that young black men commit a disproportionate number of crimes, especially violent crimes, which cannot be attributed to judicial bias, racism or economic hardships -- The rate at which blacks commit homicides is seven times that of whites.

Why is this? The continuing reinforcement of bad behavior by black celebrities and leaders and the lack of a significant response from black family groups -sure doesn't help this pathetic situation.
•
In New York City, the tabloids published sensational details of the bias suit brought by a black former executive for the Knicks, Anucha Browne Sanders, who claims that she was frequently called a “bitch” and a “ho” by the Knicks coach and president, Isiah Thomas. In a video deposition, Thomas said that while it is always wrong for a white man to verbally abuse a black woman in such terms, it was “not as much ... I’m sorry to say” for a black man to do so.
•
Across the nation, religious African-Americans were shocked that the evangelical minister Juanita Bynum, an enormously popular source of inspiration for churchgoing black women, said she was brutally beaten in a parking lot by her estranged husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks.
•
O. J. Simpson, the malevolent central player in an iconic moment in the nation’s recent black-white (as well as male-female) relations, reappeared on the scene, charged with attempted burglary, kidnapping and felonious assault in Las Vegas, in what he claimed was merely an attempt to recover stolen memorabilia.

These events (the tip of the iceberg) all point to something that has been swept under the rug for too long in black America: the crisis in relations between men and women of all classes and, as a result, the catastrophic state of black family life, especially among the poor. Isiah Thomas’s outrageous double standard shocked many blacks in New York only because he had the nerve to say out loud what is a fact of life for too many black women who must daily confront indignity and abuse in hip-hop misogyny and everyday conversation.

What is done with words is merely the verbal end of a continuum of abuse that too often ends with beatings and spousal homicide. Black relationships and families fail at high rates because women increasingly refuse to put up with this abuse. The resulting absence of fathers — some 70 percent of black babies are born to single mothers — is undoubtedly a major cause of youth delinquency.

So- it's obvious that black parents can't cope with all this cultural negativity. The answer is to create the crystal clear perception in the black community that going to jail is not just another notch in your life experience - a cool street cred on the way to becoming a bigger deal in the ghetto -- a place to hang out with your brovas and lift weights and eat good on Uncle SAM.

These kids don't miss their loving families or children or miss the tenderness and sharing of a loving romance - prison is an extension of their fucked up violent lives and pathological behavior. (and their is no social stigma in doing time - it's cool).

Prison has got to become their worst nightmare! -- Hard work -- no TV - shit food (but nutritious) -- no gathering and spitting and screaming motherfucker all day long in social settings that are a total re creation of life back home in the hood.

Prison is a criminal's worst nightmare if you are basically a"normal fuck-up" -especially because seventy percent of the people you're locked up with are these street animals to whom it's no big thing - it's cool!

If this sounds harsh and racist I'm sorry - but in another ten years our society will look an armed camp if we don't take tough measures now. And - the congress ain't gonna do the right thing with education and rehabilitation (which i'm in total favor of) -- because most of them ARE racists.

So - i vote for protecting my family with laws that will pass and will work -it's a tribal thing.

Paris Hilton Wants To Hump King Kong To Death

"Paris Hilton is full of baloney!" a close male friend of hers told the bandit Hollywood reporter,Elise Mandelbaum yesterday, at his home in Malibu. -- "The only reason she wants to go to Rwanda is because they have a large population of silver-back mountain Gorillas there; -- and she told me she wants to fuck one of them!"


He was responding to news reports that Hilton had told the press she was going there on a humanitarian mission - as follows:


"The hotel heiress - who vowed to better herself after serving 23 days in jail for driving offences in June - hopes to use her fame to draw attention to the plight of the war-torn African country.
Paris, 26, told E! Online: "I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie. "There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.
"I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues."


Paris' ex boyfriend continued; "She and i went to see the King Kong movie -- you know, the Peter Jackson extravaganza -and in the scenes where Kong and Naomi Watts are getting lovey dovey Paris went wild!"

"She started to moan and sweat and quiver all over and she grabbed my crotch and practically dragged me into the ladies room. We did it and i had to stuff toilet paper in her mouth because she kept screaming -- "Fuck me Kong! --Fuck me Kong! -and i was sure we would be arrested!"
He went on; "She plays the movie over and over in her private screening room and she has men dress up in Gorilla outfits and --well you get the picture.!" --"Anyway, about a month ago she told me that she was going to make up this humanitarian ("bullshit") angle to look good in the press after all her psycho behavior; and when she got to Rwanda she was going to travel with professional bush guides to the rain forest to find a huge silver-back mountain Gorilla."

"And then what?" asked our reporter. -- to which he replied; "And then what? Well - Paris told me -- she was going to fuck King Kong --to death!"

I certainly hope they get that on tape -- it would get one hundred million hits on You Tube!

More Proof That Rudy Is Dominated By His Bitchy Wife

The bandit has already posted about Rudy's Wife from hell Judith Nathan Giuliani -- excerpts herewith:


"The third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question."



We also recounted in a prior post the article, by Judy Bachrach that accuses Mrs. Giuliani of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07.

So- do we want a man who marries a women who probably belongs in a mental institution -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?

Oh and here's a report from the NRA convention Rudy Giuliani was attending this week (following in John Kerry's ill-fated attemps to come across as a good old boy)

"To the amazement of the audience, he interrupted his speech to have a lovey-dovey chat with Judi, who was about to get on a plane back from London.
After telling her that he was talking to the N.R.A. — a big speech that you would imagine she would know about, and not want to interrupt — he asked if she wanted to give a shout out to the gun-lovers and then paused while she spoke to him."

"After saying “I love you” twice and signing off with another “dear,” he joked to the audience that he would have been in trouble if he hadn’t taken the call, noting that “this is one of the great blessings of the modern age, being always available."

Oh my God - are you puking yet - what a pussy asshole -- can't you just see it! -- President Giuliani is in a Homeland security meeting and that cunt calls him and he say's "I'm so sorry but i have to take that call - I'll get back to you about going to an Orange alert --she's overtired from all her shopping and boy am i in for it if i don't kiss her ass right away!"

Hey - no joke - this guy is a weak dangerous phony!

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world! : - You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.



You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the "Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"



'We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable."



You will state the message as follows: "Hello it's me! Mohammad!Speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah ." -- "Effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ." --"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers ." -- "Enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran!"



Furthermore the message will conclude with; "Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- "What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"



You will remind this esteemed creative team that;"These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"



"When the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over! --and you will all receive The medal Of Freedom"


And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project" -- "And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"


Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!

Pope Benedick Grabbed Condoleeza Rice's Ass In Vatican

"Pope Benedict XVI refused a recent request by US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to discuss the Middle East and Iraq, Vatican sources say."



While everyone in the media is analyzing the reason for the Pope's snub of our Secretary of State ( The Iraq war -protection of Christians in Iraq - He's on vacation -yadadadadad) -- The bandit's Vatican reporter has the real scoop!



Esther Mandelbaum spoke to a close personal assistant to the Pope who told her off the record; "The Popa hasa always hadda the hotsa for Condi!"



He went on; "I hearda him tella Cardinal Luigi Pastavazool that he thoughta she had great legs and a tighta ass and nica tits."



The assistant went on to tell Ms. Mandelbaum that when the Pope was alone with Condi he grabbed her butt and Condi gave him a smack and called him a crazy wop !



And later that day he heard the Pope exclaim; "That black cunt will never set foot in the Vatican again!"



So there you have it --and why should anyone be upset about a little grab ass by the Pope -- when about half his priests are fucking little choir boys?



There's an old saying --the fish rots from the head down.

Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?" With Host Britney Spears

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"To which Bloomis responded ;

"Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids."

Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Oh - and the choice of Britney as host? -"Who can handle cocks better than her" - said Mr. Bloomis.

"Star Shit" Is The New California Gold Rush

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood "

He continues;"My Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King (Elvis) himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? (Star Colon polops?) -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Get Involved or Keep Getting Fucked Like The Sheep You Are!

Here's how easy it is -- Google up "Find My Legislators" -let them know what they have to do to get your vote - pick an issue (mine is anti terrorism related as reflected in my email to my Congressman -Henry Waxman - see below) - Maybe yours is "We want peyote legalized in Cali" or "Legalized marriage with Pets" or "Let's Buy Mexico" -- but if you don't get involved and vote and stay on top of these assholes -you fucking deserve to become extinct.

To Congressman Henry Waxman(30th congressional California) and Senators Boxer and Feinstein:

The article about terrorist training camps ,in the wake of the thwarted German attacks, in yesterdays NY Times should be the final wake -up call for you people to make their elimination your number one priority. What in the hell are we doing -- asking for it! They are operating with relative impunity -- i'm no fanatic -as a matter of fact i share and admire your political philosophy. But --Sir - this has to be a day in and day out effort -- radical measures must be taken (hold a press conference and make yourself heard) Blow Waziristan off the damn map if you have to -- it's just a matter of time and it's an existential threat - and we know they are there! This is what wer'e talking about out here -we don't get the lack of urgency about these training camps.

Thanks
A concerned citizen and voting constituent

Tony Soprano ( JamesGandolfini) Would Wack Thompson And Osama

Fred (Law and Order) Thompson told the press yesterday:

“I think bin Laden is more of a symbolism than he is anything else,” Mr. Thompson drawled. “Bin Laden being in the mountains of Afghanistan or — or Pakistan is not as important as the fact that there’s probably Al Qaeda operatives inside the United States of America.”

And Tony Soprano responded; "A guy puts a hit on your family for no good business reason -- just for laughs - and you let him get away wit it?"


This guy Thompson thinks just like a DA - he's ready to plea bargain. Well this ain't "Law and Order!"


"Are you fucking kidding me ? -- I think Fred musta been in on it to talk like that --maybe we should wack him along with Bin Laden and his whole fucking Muslim family!"


"And when my boys get him -- and they will !(we are already having conversations with some of his two -hundred kids) he is going to beg for death! -- We will work him over with a blow torch and when he passes out we'll give him a transfusion so he can start screaming again (is that considered torture? - i'll ask my consigliere.). " -- "Yo Silvio --that's not torture is it?"

"Oh - and these guys like blowing things up! -- Well they don't know shit about that!" So said the frontrunning Democratic presidential candidate, at a campaign speech in Howard Park, Queens in NYC -- the neighborhood home of John Gotti who is his role model and idol.

"And -- as soon as I'm elected we are going to start blowing up a Mosque every time they blow up some innocent children -- and a sqadron of f22's will zoom in behind the bombers and drop napalm mixed with pig blood over the whole area -- just so no one thinks they are going to Paradise." (they better get all their Virgin fucking done in their local shitholes here on earth).)


He concluded; "And when these faggots get the message that they ain't dealing with the liberal queers in congress any more -- and that we really ARE fucking Satan -- all this shit will quiet down!"


"And then we can start doin Business!"

Tony Soprano To Enter Dem Presidential Primary -- May Run Against DA Arthur Branch For President

Wow! -- It finally happened ! -- The race for president has turned into the ultimate television reality show.


Fred Thompson has jumped into the republican presidential primary and leaped to the front of the pack in a heartbeat -- based on the persona he has acquired from his role in "Law and Order" as NYC DA Arthur Branch .


Howard Dean head of the Democratic party's National Committee announced today; "This guy is going to wipe out any Democratic candidate we put against him!"



"The American people are basically a pack of morons and in the post 911 era a guy with his national television appeal in the role of a tough law man battling evil on the most popular dramatic series on TV --forget it! -- Hillary might as well go back to nagging Bill full time and John Edwards to chasing ambulances; and Barak Obamamama couldn't get elected dog catcher with Fred Thompson in the race!"



"However" - he stated: "With James Gandolfini joining the Democratic primary we have a candidate who will certainly forge ahead to win that contest and subsequently defeat Thompson and take the white House -- it's gonna be president Tony Soprano."



"He will run on the slogan "Let A Mob Boss Protect America" -- "And we predict the largest voter turnout in American history and a landslide victory for President James Gandolfini "



He concluded; "Oh and his VP running mate will be Edie Falco and his cabinet will be comprised of his mob team from the Sopranos --with Paulie Walnuts as national security advisor --and Big Pussie will return as secretary of state and Johnny (sack) Sacramonti will be Secretary of defense -- and the whole west Wing will be a total replication of the Bada Bing office."



Tony (Mr. Gandolfino) issued a short statement saying; "As far as I'm concerned the terrorists are just a rival gang -- and we know exactly what to do about them and the rest of our enemies!"

I Get Better Pussy Than Brad Pitt

You know --i just realized something! i picked up this Australian chick in a club on Sunset Boulevard last night and as i lay in bed looking at her this morning it came (pun -sorry) to me in a flash! --This babe is twice as hot as Angela or Jennifer! --Holy shit! --I get better pussy than Brad Pitt!

No Ferrari - No house on the beach in Malibu - No fifty million in the bank account -- No celebrity status -- Just me and my average size Jewish prick and a few good moves !

Then i began thinking about all the nasty dysfunctional star assholes i catch a glimpse of -- all these macho celebs -- crying about their nasty star babes all over the covers of the tabloids.

I'm checking out at Ralph's with a BBQ chicken for dinner while they are out wining and dining their wacko wives and girlfriends - and then buying them jewelry to get laid while getting their balls broken by these chicks - who i wouldn't fuck with their dicks!

Wow! -- I jumped out of bed and called my buddy Lee -- "Lee" i said! -- 'Would you fuck Katie Holmes?" -- he asked me what i was smoking and replied; "Not with your cock!"

Wow! -- what a revelation! -- now here is Tom Cruise who is a super star worth mega millions and even though he's a midget and a cult fanatic you know this guy could fuck the hottest babes on earth every night of the week and he winds up with a nagging average ugly babe who breaks his balls 24/7 --duh!

The list of Star dudes who get tied down and fucked over by average ugly superstar babes is mind blowing -- i can't get over it! -- I know fat guys living in the Antelope Valley without a pot to piss in who get better pussy than John Beckham. My pal Ernie Greenblatt ( one of the aforementioned fat guys) fucks chicks that bury that bony spice girl moron; and they are cool chicks who love to laugh and can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!

What the hell my brothers! -- what gives here? --What's wrong with you star dudes? -- You definitely need help!

Hey -- how about a reality show? -- "Average Guys Who Get More Pussy Than The Stars"

This is an epiphany! -- I feel like Abraham must have when God spoke to him in the desert for the first time!

I get better pussy than Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise and Russel Crowe and George Clooney -- and you probably do too!

To definitely be continued.

Bush Declares " Total Retribution " When We Get Hit

"Things are sure looking grim out there." said a deeply concerned George W Bush after getting off the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel about the aborted terrorist attack in Germany.

"Angie is a sweetheart and a brilliant and enlightened leader but don't forget she's still one tough Kraut!" said the president, "And the German people and their leaders have been really sensitive about their Muslim situation: But if they get pushed too far those old baking ovens they used in World War Two might just get fired up again -- only it will be baked Muslim extremists this time around!

"With the near misses in Denmark and Germany this week it's crystal clear that sooner or later they are gonna hit us real bad!"

"So -- it is now time to ask ourselves what we can do to payback anyone who is not playing ball in this zero sum game of mindless slaughter -- to decide what our next day response to an attack will be when all we will know is that it came from a specific group like Al Qaeda (or whomever) but we don't know where to specifically retaliate - and every descent American is out there screaming for blood!":"

"Well i am saying right now -- upfront -- that when the slaughter takes place and countless Americans are dead and dying -- here is the very least that you can expect from us -- and unfortunately a lot of innocent bystanders are going to get hurt --it is now raw survival time --big time"

"Here's an example -- in remote areas where we have a general idea that terrorist groups are enjoying safe havens, but we don't know the specific location of their camps -- maybe it's limited nuclear response time!'

"Here's another -- any remote link we find between a political leader or group that has nurtured the Intifada on any level, will be immediately targeted for assassination or general destruction!"

"large scale detentions of Muslims worldwide will be necessary as a part of this Draconian but necessary response - and hopefully (ultimately) will promote a zero tolerance attitude toward extreme fundamentalism by moderate Muslims. Religious and political leaders and the general Muslim population will no longer have the luxury of the sideline!"

" You know -- We wrongfully interned the Japanese population of the USA after Pearl Harbor due to misguided hysteria -- can you imagine what the American people are going to be crying out for after they are ravaged in a massive terrorist attack -- i seriously hope Muslim leaders get the message before it's too late"

The President concluded ;"The gloves are going to come off - and we might just as well let the world know that we are through fucking around -- because sure as shit we are going to get hit hard - and we are not going to worry about being one hundred percent rational in our response -- because we will be blind with rage -- and we have a lot of weight to throw around -- and the liberals will be hiding under the covers,while the most dangerous and powerful humans on Earth start breaking furniture like drunken cowboys on a Saturday night -- worldwide -- with big bombs!"

"Get ready!" --"Oh and i don't want to hear that that this is just what Al Qaeda wants us to do -- because they want a united worldwide Intifada against us Infidels - and they would love us to go berserk"

"We'll just see how many Muslims around the world want to get into paradise by slaughtering innocent men women and children for bullshit --- bring em on!"

"Kid's Nation"Kid's Families Were Threatened By CBS

Six kids from the controversial CBS reality show "Kids Nation" came forward today and told federal investigators that when they tried to leave the production because of the horrible work conditions -- a producer threatened to have their families killed!

Ghen Maynurd,head of CBS reality programming has been under immense pressure about the Kid's treatment on this show; which is being shot in New Mexico under extreme conditions , as the Kid's attempt to rebuild a ghost town.

Jimmy Winkle and Esther Schwartsblum: two of the kids who rebelled against the production and led a group that wanted out of it said today; "We packed our bags and started to leave when three security men armed with AK47's marched into our tent and forced us into a shed -- about three hours later a masked man who we are sure was Louis B Mayer Jr. (the line producer) came in and threatened us!"

He said; "You little spoiled kikes ain't gonna ruin my career and cost CBS millions of dollars! -- Now you immediately go back to work or your families might not be there when you get home."

Winkle and Schwartzblum continued: "Thank god a kind cameraman sneaked us a cellphone and we were able to call for help and get the rest of our gang out of there!"

Asked about the remaining kids on the production they said; "They are all drugged up and scared shitless to leave -- maybe now everything will work out ok?"

Mr. Maynurd could not be reached for comment, but the word on the street is that advertisers are begging to get into the show. With all this dynamite publicity it's sure to be a big hit.

Well that's showbiz!

McDonalds To Employ Chimpanzees

A major labor Day announcement from McDonald's -who like all companies forced to compete in the global marketplace - is committed to using good old American creativity and resourcefulness to beat China and India at their own game.

"McDonald's will be employing five hundred African Chimpanzees in one hundred test stores starting on Christmas day!" said Ernie Fryman. head of human resources for the chain.

He stated; "In test cases the chimps outperformed our entry level labor force which is ninety five percent black by twenty five percent; and the customers just loved it - and our huge black consumer base did not even notice any difference ( i don't think most of them were even aware that they were being served by Chimps)

"Kids of course just loved the Chimps and we project increased sales of twenty percent based on their appeal to the youngsters alone - and response from the general consumer base has been overwhelming."

He went on; "The National Wildlife Federation says this may be the solution to ensure the preservation of mankind's closest animal relative -sharing ninety five percent of our DNA. And Rwanda and Uganda and the Congo where most of the Chimpanzees will be imported from are thrilled!"

Condoleeza Rice said today --"The money that McDonald's is paying for the Chimps will go a long way to help those war torn nations allocate resources to essential human services ."

Asked about the impact on the job market and how it will affect the young black employment market -- Mr. Fryman said; "Well, with projected sales increases and labor and efficiency savings from the Chimps -- we anticipate that we will be able to expand our operations -- move the Chimpanzees into supervisory positions - and allow the chimps to hire a lot of black kids and other minorities.

He concluded; "Of course - they will have to bring their math and reading skills up to the Chimp's standards."

Caitlin Upton Admits She Is A Complete Moron

A team of cognitive neuroscientists and scholars from all over the world have evaluated the response of the Miss American Teen Contestant - Caitlin Upton - to that now famous map question and concluded:

As a prime example of what American culture is producing in terms of it's future leaders -- we predict that the English language and American intellectual and artistic achievements will decline to the level of babble in two generations.

The Chinese leader Chou en Wow had this off camera reaction to the following response from Ms. Upton, "Is she fucking human?"

Her answer, in its entirety, was: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us."

When Caitlin saw a video of her response she said; "Oh --i'm so much better with text messaging."

Instant and text messaging babble -- our kids are becoming Chimpanzees! -- Hooo hooo hooo hahahahahhh eeee a HeeHeeeehee!

Michael Vick Should be Tested Like His Dogs And Then Locked Up With Them

RICHMOND, Va., Aug. 28 — The fates of the dogs seized from a property owned by Michael Vick hinge on the recommendations from certified animal behaviorists

And reasonably so -- if these unfortunate creatures are going to tear the nuts of the first mailman they see after their brutal torture by Vicks and his buddies -- then they need to be locked up(but certainly not destroyed)

But what about that creature Vick running around loose? Shouldn't a team of shrinks be testing him to make sure he doesn't get angry -- and without his dogs to mame and torture -- hang his date upside down on a meat hook and take a blow torch to her vagina -and then drown her.

And if the shrinks find out he's capable of transfering his pathological appetites for violence onto human animals -- then he should be destroyed!

Because he was the perpetrator ! And i would rather use my tax dollars to pay for supporting his ruined innocent dogs in comfort than pay to keep that rotten viscious creature alive. (unless it's in a cage with his surviving pit bulls)

Senator Larry Craig Vsits "Broke Back Mountain"

"Yup -- we sure was surprised to find out that a good old boy like Senator Larry was getting a dick stuck up his ass when we thought he was either trout fishin or workin hard for us up in the Senate;" said Clem Spivey holding court down at the Old Buck tavern in Spuds, Idaho; a town of six hundred, mostly farmers, not far from where their beloved and respected Senator grew up.

Yep -- the news had broken like an Idaho thunder storm!

"Then came his arrest in June in a Minneapolis airport men's room, where the police had been watching for homosexual activity. The police said Mr. Craig had used foot-tapping to signal his interest in lewd activity, touched the foot of an officer in adjoining stall with his own and reached under the barrier between the stalls."

Marv Goldbloom sipped on his beer and said;"You know --when are as dumb honest hard working schmucks gonna wake up and realize that the biggest hypocrites are men who go around saying how pissed off God is with folks fornicating and getting abortions and cheating on their wives."

He went on; "It's always the preachers and power perverted politicians and repressed priests and loudmouth right wingers like Limbaugh and phony evangelists like Pat Robertson and make believe journalists like Bill Oreilly and self appointed tough guys like Giuliani -- oh hell guys - they are all so full of shit and venom -- and they'd all fuck a pig if no one was a watching."

"You're right Marv!" said Boyd Holcum a strapping potatoe farmer. "And hell-- i hate them pinko lefty liberals in the media! -- But goddam if we would find out shit about this crop of freaks we got a runnin the country if they wasn't always pokin their Jew noses around all the time."

"I hope ole Senator Larry gets a flat tire out on mule road some dark night when i'm around." said Merkel Hammy - the bartender.

Remember that flashback scene in "Broke Back Mountain" where they caved in that queers head and ripped his cock off?"

Broke-back Larry -- the Spud Stud!

Albert (Speedy) Gonzales Finally Gets The Message

Back in June The bandit got the real scoop on Gonzales!

Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress
Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)

Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records:

"Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes.

"Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Men Should Lose The Right To Vote For One Year

Eighty Five years ago Yesterday --This was front Page news

Washington, Aug. 26 -- The half-century struggle for woman suffrage in the United States reached its climax at 8 o'clock this morning, when Bainbridge Colby, as Secretary of State, issued his proclamation announcing that the Nineteenth Amendment had become a part of the Constitution of the United States.

So i have an idea which can save all our asses!

But first let me ask you a few questions:

Did you ever see a woman in a street or bar fight?

Did you ever hear of a woman killing a deer with a high powered rifle?

Did you ever hear of an incompetent female general sending young men to certain mass slaughter.

Did you ever hear of a women drowning and torturing dogs.

Did you ever hear of any women stopping other women from speaking or excercizing their rights.

hey -- you get the point - i could go on forever - but if you want to see what a society looks like where men completely trample on women's rights just look at the Middle East and Africa --the two deepest shitholes on earth!

And forget all that crap about being weak and needing male protection -- you ever heard of Queen Elizabeth or Hillary Clinton? (or any of my four wives)

Women are tougher than men --nature built them with lots of special strengths because they were designed to be storage lockers for all human life. And unlike most testostorone dripping males - they have respect for it.

So - on this anniversary of the day that women got the right to vote -- let's take a one year hiatus from male rule -- before it's too fucking late.

And --if the men don't cooperate --dildo sales should be the biggest selling consumer product on Earth.

Fox Announces --'Deadliest Snatch" Will Join Fall Reality Line-UP

It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .

Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"

"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"

"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"

Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"

'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"

"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."

He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it!"

"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"

Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"

But when Mike --when already?

Fox Announces Penile Dysfunction 911

Coming on the heels of the successful "Nannies 911" and "Neighbors 911" - the hit reality shows produced by Granada Entertainment; Fox TV's master of cultural enlightenment through family friendly TV -- Mike "darling" Darnell -- announced today:



"Penile Dysfunction 911" - will provide a valuable outreach function to millions of American families who are severely impacted by this horrible problem --he continued; "When the man of the house can't get it up everyone in the household is down"



Mike went on; "The frustration permeates the whole family as an aura of negativity doom and sometimes even violent behavior sets in -and of course there's the infidelity that arises from the little woman reaching out elsewhere for the "high hard one" (to coin a baseball metaphor) that she can't get at home."



"Our team of clinical psychiatrists and psychologists and family social workers will be prepared to employ the best therapeutic and drug therapy available in today's arsenal of modern medicine - to tackle the problem.'



"And --we will have the " 911 love van " stocked with six women who make the Victoria Secret models look like boys and know a few things about waking up the old one eyed monstor - and if they can make a Hollywood executive with an eightball and a quart of Remy in his blood stream rise to the occasion - your average penile impaired male should be - no problema"



He concluded; "And if we can't jumpstart the dude? Well then the whole family gets an all expense paid vacation to the " World Penile Dysfunction Clinic" in Basil Switzerland and the little woman gets three month's of guaranteed orgasms -- and an all expense paid divorce."



"Now that's what i call a fair deal and great Television!"

Vick Pleads Guilty To Hanging And Drowning Dogs

The following is the original bandit exclusive on Michael Vick on July 26th - and they call dogs animals?

Michael Vick Eats Pit Bull Balls For His Small Dick
The Atlanta Falcons quarterback "Has the smallest dick I've has ever seen on a black man" - said Twinky Latifa, Mchael Vick's ex lover.She told the bandit's sports reporter Elise Goldenbaum: "He's a vicious psychopath who loves to hurt innocent creatures, and especially dogs!"Why? asked Elise -- he has every thing going for him it would seem? "So what that he is a great athlete? -- he's real good at professional violence, but what he really loves is extreme sadism.

He was born with a tiny cock and he can't please a woman -- and it drives him crazy!"Twinky continued; "When he was a young boy his grandmother told him if he ate the balls of pit bulls his cock would grow big and strong. Well his cock didn't grow and now he's all messed up -- and he blames the dogs.""He don't stop trying though -- Sometimes he would eat a whole platter of pit bull nuts before we had sex; but when his tiny dick didn't grow he would run out to the barn and do horrible things to them poor animals"

Twinky concluded; "He needs to be locked up somewhere before he directs his rage at some innocent person!"Elise tried to get some reaction from his fellow athletes about the size of his cock, but all they would do is smile and laugh.

Common Folks Are Just Jerks To These Rich Scum Bags _ Vote Edwards

"All of the old-timers knew that subprime mortgages were what we called neutron loans — they killed the people and left the houses. The deals made in 2005 and 2006 were going to run into trouble because the credit pendulum at the time was stuck at easy."LOUIS S. BARNES, a partner at Boulder West, a mortgage banking firm

let's stop kidding ourselves! -- Even the glorious founders of our Republic didn't think the great unwashed masses were worth shit --no property no vote -women no vote -- slaves - no problema --income tax --are you kidding --everybody pays on goods and services (rich and poor alike -the same)

Hey-there ain't any better place to go -- so how about you all take time out from using your maxed out credit cards and buying some more shit you don't need - just to get away from your fucked up exploited lives --or from watching some crappy TV show -and vote for John Edwards.

He's an asshole too --but he is betting his political future on being the candidate for us poor and manipulated schmucks.

Or do you want to go on being sold "neutron loans" from people who laugh at you all the way to the bank --smoking twenty dollar cigars at their country clubs.

And if your worrried about security -- Al Quaeda is still laughing at how pitiful our intelligence resources are --we still have about five people who can speak Arabic at the CIA because they are kinda hard to find among Religious Conservatives (a prerequisite for any hiring by the Bushhies)

If you don't care -if your not pissed -- fuck you all --you deserve getting it up your collective assholes by the power brokers!

Jenna Bush Forced To Marry Henry The Wimp

Jenna Bush,fun loving and filled with vitality and spirit; has been pushed into an engagement with a waspy young republican conservative activist from a prominent (connected) West Virginia family -- rednecks with brooks brothers shirts -- who is getting his MBA and has a bright future in money and republican politics.



This marriage will last about as long as it takes for Jenna to find someone who can light up her G spot --and spunky jenna won't be bullied by momma Bush for too long.



A Texas friend of Laura's told the bandit; "Laura told Jenna that she didn't want her marrying anyone like her drunken playboy father was when they first met, and that if it is wasn't for Billy Graham GW would have wound up as a goofy drunkard."


She said; "Laura told Jenna to forget about all those silly notions about passion and spontaneity and exciting love and find a good Christian Republican Conservative from a fine family -- and no Kikes or dark skinned types."


Well, unless Henry turns out to be one fine hunka munka dive bomber -- he ain't gonna last long -- i'm betting on Jenna to find a real man!

Muslims Extremists Set New Standard For Inhumanity

NY Times Report on Bombing Massacre Killing 190 in Kurdish area of Iraq 8-14-07


“The group has long been a minority in Iraq, and after some Yazidis stoned a Yazidi woman to death for dating a Sunni Arab man in April, members of the sect became frequent targets of Sunni attacks. When a video of the Yazidi woman being stoned appeared on the Internet, gunmen stopped minibuses full of Yazidi laborers and killed 23 of them. Many Yazidis have recently moved to villages farther west, where they make up a majority. The deadly assault on Tuesday crushed the hope that there would be safety in numbers — especially near the border with Syria, which American officials have long described as an entry point for foreign fighters.

The explosions also came only a few hours after Iraqi leaders met for lunch in advance of a “crisis summit” meeting to discuss how to solve their sectarian divisions and smooth out their knotted government.
The gathering, like many before it, produced no results. An aide to President Jalal Talabani called the lunch “an icebreaker,” but Adnan Dulaimi, leader of the largest Sunni bloc, said nothing political was discussed.
“It was only an invitation for lunch,” he said. “We didn’t engage in any negotiations.”


That's cool dude -- Let’s do lunch sometime! -When you get back from vacation.

So Long Karl -- And Die Slowly

Can you believe this delusional moron?


"At month’s end, I will join those whom you meet in your travels — the ordinary Americans who tell you they are praying for you. Like them, I will ask for God’s continued gifts of strength and wisdom for you and your work, your vital work for our country and the world and for the Almighty’s continued blessing of our great country."

God used you as a way to destroy the bible belted warped evangelical political ideology that you mainlined into the Republican party -- like heroin -- and give the democrats a political franchise that even they can't fuck up!

I hope you are haunted by the cries of all the innocent men women and children that you helped maim and mutilate and destroy in Iraq with your born again - woopedy doo Democratic vision for a people you did not and do not understand and never will.

So you and your neanderthal buddy Bush can go huntin and a fishin and a prayin while the world recovers from your blind grubby power grab and thankfully short stroll upon the political landscape.

Reason and competency will grow up strong through the dry weeds of your hypocrisy and misguided and blind faith based ideological delusions -- and vision and clarity and thoughtful collective endeavor will rise again.

So long you fucking asshole - eat shit and die!

katie Couric Will Kill To Boost Ratings

As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!

Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins: Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over and becoming the worlds first actual news dummy -- and .having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.

Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke!

On September first, the bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg,
has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report; "Katie Couric kills for you!"

Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -ive tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."

Katie concluded; "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."

Celebrity Colon Polyps Fetch Huge Prices

The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars

"A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab technician.

Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time).

Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million.

"It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet."

He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."

It's a cleansing thought!

NYC Council AttemptsTo Abolish "Bitch"--Vulgar March Planned

NY Times Today

The term is hateful and deeply sexist, said Councilwoman Darlene Mealy of Brooklyn, who has introduced a measure against the word, saying it creates “a paradigm of shame and indignity” for all women.

What's next from the word police? - Well first they banned the "N" word and now their target is the "B' word! Can you fucking believe this escalation of political correctness crap?

How about parents who call their kids stupid and fat and jerk-off and every esteem damaging reference imagine able -- no concern there -why? -because people like Darlene Mealy are politically opportunistic cuntheads.

Well were not gonna take it anymore! The Digibandit has organized a "Vulgar March" -- All defenders of free and unfettered filthy speech will meet at seven am on Saturday August 11th at central Park and Fifth Avenue.

We will march to City Hall screaming a list of obscenities that will be provided and conclude with a chanting of " Darlene You Filthy Cunt" from Houston Street to Whitehall Street.

Upon arriving at City Hall there will be a "Vulgar Dance Party " with live music from a popular village band "The Wild Cocksuckers" and a Jamaican buffet with food donated by a famous Soho Caribbean caterer -- "The Jerk Niggas"

Dogs and children are welcome - so come and march and strike a blow against Bullshit -- and get really Vulgar -- and enjoy!

More Damning Cunt Evidence From Rudy's Wives

NY Times Editorial Today

Animal-lovers around the nation may also be interested to know that Giuliani’s second wife once asked for $1,140 a month in dog support for Goalie, the family retriever. Or that the third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.
The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question. This week a spokesman said he didn’t know, adding: “In the 1970s that was an acceptable medical technique,” which I think we can probably take for a yes.

So- do we want a man who marries women who probably belong in mental institutions -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?

Can world leaders - many who are now thankfully women -- respect a United States president with a cunty wife?

Sorry Rudy -- we need a leader who knows a cunt when he sees one - I'm switching to Hillary!

It takes one to know one.

Rudy Giuliani Married A Real Cunt

So this is the woman that Rudy left his second wife for?

"So Judith was expected to be part of the New Hampshire health care tour. But her plans seemed to have changed about the time a new Vanity Fair profile emerged, one that makes her sound like a particularly unpleasant combination of Catherine the Great and Britney Spears. The article, by Judy Bachrach, accuses her of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07

So --either Judith can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch --or Rudy is deep down -- just another pussy whipped phony!

Either way he's lost my vote.

Bandit Bulletin -- Answer To Iraqi Quagmire --North Korea

Ok -- Bush and the neocons went in and fucked up everything possible. and bullshit and incompetence and misguided ideology ruled and are still the order of the day.



We killed a ton of Innocent people and displaced all the good and competent Iraqis --and strengthened all our enemies and pissed off most of our friends and allies --and threw away billions on wasted projects -and tens of thousands of brave young Americans got wasted and mutilated.



But --But -- But a very cool thing happened! We have established a central battlefield in which to take on the asshole Jihadis and crazed Muslims -- who for whatever fucked up reasons have crawled out of their shitholes to come kill us Infidels in Iraq.

So --let's kill as many of these death worshiping youngsters as possible,as fast as possible, for as long as it takes --- ten or twenty or one-hundred years,like in Europe in the good old days. --But -- NOT with American soldiers!

What? --here's how.-- We go to Il Jong Dingdong the mad fucked up leader of North Korea and offer to pay him one dollar per soldier per day for one million of his craziest gooks!

Now --these soldiers will kill extremists 24/7 and love it just to get three squares of USA military rations. On top of that they will be warm for the first time in their lives. (and maybe we throw in some hookers for every twenty Jehad's tongues or forty balls they bring in.)

Il Jong Dingdong will love the cash and we'll even increase the supply of French cognac and hot pussy and caviar that he craves --and like i said, he won't have to pay his gook Iraqi army a dime.(and we will save a fortune and our troops can come home.)

Everyone will report to General Petraeus so things don't get out of our control and supervision because when the gooks get through we will want to "save the hearts and minds" of the two or three hundred normal Iraquis that will be left.

Pretty cool -- huh?

Oh - and if the North Koreans need some backup --we buy a shitload of crazed brothers from The Congo. (that might be too cruel though)