Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.
"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.
She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..
"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"
I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.
Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates
Monday, March 10, 2008
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Obama's Position On Iraq War Vote Proved That He's A Pussy
NO responsible person should have denied authorization for the president to attack Iraq because:
Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.
He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.
Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.
He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?
That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.
Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.
BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!
Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!
Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.
He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.
Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.
He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?
That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.
Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.
BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!
Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!
Monday, March 03, 2008
God Must be Hispanic If he Named His Only Son Jesus
Wow - i just realized that God has to be Hispanic!
I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).
What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."
Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?
And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.
And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.
And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.
Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"
But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)
I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).
What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."
Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?
And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.
And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.
And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.
Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"
But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)
Friday, February 29, 2008
United States Prison Population Should be Outsourced
Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the most attractive bid to keep you in captivity.
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Mandatory Drug Tests For Congress - Most Would Fail
I'm willing to bet that if the US Congress were drug tested - over fifty percent would test positive for some mind altering substance.
And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.
So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:
But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?
Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.
And boy -would that explain everything!
And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.
So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:
But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?
Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.
And boy -would that explain everything!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
John McCaine Needs A Sun Tan - "Casper" Has To Go
I just can't get over the resemblance of John McCain to Casper The Friendly Ghost ! (see picture on blog)
And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!
I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.
When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)
Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.
Call me Hillary - it's not too late.
And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!
I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.
When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)
Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.
Call me Hillary - it's not too late.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
No "Cunty" For Old Men
That means NO "CUNTY" first lady!
Do we want a President whose last thought at night - with all the urgent and pressing existential problems he has to deal with is -"I wish that fucking cunt would just shut up and stay out of my shit - she's driving me apeshit!"
Or -"Thanks Christine - that blowjob has relieved all my anxiety and tensions and i can see a clear course of reasonable action"
I ask you --Goodnight!
Do we want a President whose last thought at night - with all the urgent and pressing existential problems he has to deal with is -"I wish that fucking cunt would just shut up and stay out of my shit - she's driving me apeshit!"
Or -"Thanks Christine - that blowjob has relieved all my anxiety and tensions and i can see a clear course of reasonable action"
I ask you --Goodnight!
Oscars Prove That Hollywood Can Save The World
Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World
Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!You get The Cohen brothers and Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"
We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."
"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"
Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"
"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!""
And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!""Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"
Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!You get The Cohen brothers and Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"
We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."
"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"
Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"
"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!""
And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!""Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Top Historians Say No "Cunty" First Ladies EVER In White House
Doris Kearns Goodwin -- There has never been a totally cunty first lady! -- The closest was probably Abigail adams, who would qualify as a major ball breaker, but not a cunt.
Tom Cahill -- hmmm? - i would say that most if not all of our presidents tended to run the show in their households. Mrs. Lincoln had some cunty tendencies but mainly she was a wack job.
James McCullough - Well Eleanor Roosevelt was a very strong and independent woman,but there was nothing very cunty about her - i would say that Dolly Madison definitely had cunt potential but John would never put up with that shit.
Michael Beschloss - It's actually quite amazing that the Republic has escaped the horrors of a cunty first lady all these years and a tribute to the strength and fortitude of America's Presidents.Millard Filmore's wife started to act like a cunt but he had her banned from the white house.
Barbara Tuchman - can't think of a totally cunty first lady, which as we all agree, would have had a devastating effect on the course of American history. If you look at all the worst and most dangerous world leaders, you will find a cunty wife lurking somewhere in the wings.
Well - there you have it straight from the mouths of five eminent Pulitzer Prize winning historians - from George Washington to George Bush - not one Cunty First lady!
Whaddyasay - let's keep Michelle Obama from becoming America's First Cunty - First lady?
Tom Cahill -- hmmm? - i would say that most if not all of our presidents tended to run the show in their households. Mrs. Lincoln had some cunty tendencies but mainly she was a wack job.
James McCullough - Well Eleanor Roosevelt was a very strong and independent woman,but there was nothing very cunty about her - i would say that Dolly Madison definitely had cunt potential but John would never put up with that shit.
Michael Beschloss - It's actually quite amazing that the Republic has escaped the horrors of a cunty first lady all these years and a tribute to the strength and fortitude of America's Presidents.Millard Filmore's wife started to act like a cunt but he had her banned from the white house.
Barbara Tuchman - can't think of a totally cunty first lady, which as we all agree, would have had a devastating effect on the course of American history. If you look at all the worst and most dangerous world leaders, you will find a cunty wife lurking somewhere in the wings.
Well - there you have it straight from the mouths of five eminent Pulitzer Prize winning historians - from George Washington to George Bush - not one Cunty First lady!
Whaddyasay - let's keep Michelle Obama from becoming America's First Cunty - First lady?
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The History Of "Cunt" - As It Applies To Michelle Obama
A reader has asked about the word cunt, wondering if it had something to do with "cunning" as in "a cunning woman was a negative thing". It has nothing to do with cunning (which is related to the verbs ken and can) and everything to do with what it means today: "female genitalia". It first shows up in a list of London street names of about 1230. That street name was, interestingly, Gropecuntelane, one of a warren of streets and alleyways all given over to the lowest forms of prostitution and bawdry. It lay between Aldermanbury and Coleman Street (where the Swiss Bank stands today) and it belonged to one "William de Edmonton". Curiously, medieval Paris had a street name with an identical meaning - Rue Grattecon. Oxford and York apparently also had similar versions of that street name.
Cunt is believed to derive from a Germanic root *kunton "female genitalia", which also gave rise to Old Norse kunta (ancestor of Norwegian and Swedish dialectical kunta and Danish dialectical kunte), Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte, and the English doublet quaint. And, by the way, the word wasn't always considered derogatory, even though it is today. Be careful about assuming that a word's modern connotations must have governed its formation. By the way, no connection has been made between the Germanic words and Latin cunnus. The proto-Germanic root of cunt is ku- "hollow place", while the Indo-European root of Latin cunnus is (s)keu- "to cover, to conceal", the etymological meaning of cunnus being "sheath".
So -Michelle Obama IS a "CUNT" - I knew i was right -and i don't think America has EVER had a Cunty First Lady. -I'm gonna ask some famous historians and report back to you - to see whether Michelle would be the First -Cunty First lady in America's history.
Cunt is believed to derive from a Germanic root *kunton "female genitalia", which also gave rise to Old Norse kunta (ancestor of Norwegian and Swedish dialectical kunta and Danish dialectical kunte), Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte, and the English doublet quaint. And, by the way, the word wasn't always considered derogatory, even though it is today. Be careful about assuming that a word's modern connotations must have governed its formation. By the way, no connection has been made between the Germanic words and Latin cunnus. The proto-Germanic root of cunt is ku- "hollow place", while the Indo-European root of Latin cunnus is (s)keu- "to cover, to conceal", the etymological meaning of cunnus being "sheath".
So -Michelle Obama IS a "CUNT" - I knew i was right -and i don't think America has EVER had a Cunty First Lady. -I'm gonna ask some famous historians and report back to you - to see whether Michelle would be the First -Cunty First lady in America's history.
Penis Envy Strikes Again! - Michelle Obama Sets Off Cunt Alarm!
Michelle Obama’s comment in Milwaukee on Monday: “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change.” - will cost Obama the presidency!
Another spoiled cunt with a BIG Mouth - carried away by the limelight just like her two most recent candidate destroyers - Teresa Heinz Kerry and Judith Nathan Giuliani.
I'm sooo sad that Michelle Obamas life's experiences at Princeton and Harvard left her with a completely cynical view of America -- maybe she should spend some time in a more enlightened and spiritual country - of her choice.
Or maybe she didn't take any history courses? - Or maybe she's just another good looking spoiled lefty cunt trophy wife with a gifted and powerful husband.
Boy do we NOT need her in the White House!
Oh - and folks everywhere across this great land are a thinkin today - "Obama is hooked up with an American hating cunt - his first order of change should begin at home."
Another spoiled cunt with a BIG Mouth - carried away by the limelight just like her two most recent candidate destroyers - Teresa Heinz Kerry and Judith Nathan Giuliani.
I'm sooo sad that Michelle Obamas life's experiences at Princeton and Harvard left her with a completely cynical view of America -- maybe she should spend some time in a more enlightened and spiritual country - of her choice.
Or maybe she didn't take any history courses? - Or maybe she's just another good looking spoiled lefty cunt trophy wife with a gifted and powerful husband.
Boy do we NOT need her in the White House!
Oh - and folks everywhere across this great land are a thinkin today - "Obama is hooked up with an American hating cunt - his first order of change should begin at home."
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Daddy! Daddy! What's a Cunt?
Asks my five year old daughter after hearing Jane Fonda's comment on the Today Show.
I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."
She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"
Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."
But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"
"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"
I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."
"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"
Kid's today!
I respond, "Well dear it's the female version of prick."
She intelligently responded; "Oh - you mean like the way Mommy acts when you come home drunk"
Yes dear - "And how she acts when she doesn't get her own way ."
But daddy, "Wouldn't the correct English for Momma's behavior be cunty - because it's an adverb - i think Jane used it as a noun?"
"Wow - sending you to The latin School has really paid dividends and you are soo right"
I went on; "Ms. Fonda was using cunt as a noun and was referring to the female sex organ in that regard -she really should have said vagina."
"But daddy - why didn't she just say Pussy?"
Kid's today!
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Here's A Commercial That Will Launch Hillary To Victory
Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.
"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment."
She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues.
" But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..
"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!
"I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.
Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates
"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment."
She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues.
" But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"
She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..
"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!
"I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.
Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates
Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water
Ok -let's get real here! - You are a member of a race that has been systematically repressed since arriving in America in chains some four-hundred years ago -beaten and bullied and hung by rednecks and denied the vote and descent housing and jobs and .................
Your people claw their way out of the shithole that Whitey fought to keep them buried in and voila - along comes a black leader that inspires not only blacks but MAYBE enough of everybody to become the next President!
And you are not gonna vote for this dude if you are black? - C'mon -if women had it so rough out there - they would ALL be lining up to vote for Hillary like they were waiting to get it up the butt from Mathew McConaghy.
Women have it made in the shade thanks to us and they are still fucking miserable - Blacks know they are still getting shafted by the Rednecks and WASPS
Like i said -"Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water"
And - There WIll Be Blood!
Your people claw their way out of the shithole that Whitey fought to keep them buried in and voila - along comes a black leader that inspires not only blacks but MAYBE enough of everybody to become the next President!
And you are not gonna vote for this dude if you are black? - C'mon -if women had it so rough out there - they would ALL be lining up to vote for Hillary like they were waiting to get it up the butt from Mathew McConaghy.
Women have it made in the shade thanks to us and they are still fucking miserable - Blacks know they are still getting shafted by the Rednecks and WASPS
Like i said -"Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water"
And - There WIll Be Blood!
Friday, February 15, 2008
Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"
Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)
If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!
Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!
It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.
Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)
What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)
Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"
These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!
Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)
I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:
And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"
It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)
More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day
On this day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia
"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (where Rome was founded, see Livy, Book I), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring.
.
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The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.
The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fucking and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!
This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!
Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.
This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!
Happy Lupercalia everyone!
"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (where Rome was founded, see Livy, Book I), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring.
.
.
The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.
The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fucking and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!
This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!
Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.
This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!
Happy Lupercalia everyone!
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Obama Clarifies His Positions - Shows Depth Of Thinking
Using his best Martin Luther King meets Elvis (he loves Kings) persona - as he roles forth on a "Magical Mystery Tour" that would have bedazzled even John Lennon - Obama - finally- REALLY got specific about his programs:
On Iraq - oh yeah -yeah! - hey - whoa 0 yeah! - it's time!
On the Economy - whoa yeah! - Oh yeah -yeah1 - come on -yeah!
On Health Care - Now yeah! - Now is yeah! -let's yeah oh yeah!
On Immigration - security is yeah! -oh yeh oh boy -yeah!
On the Environment - Now yeah -now -yeah now -oh boy -yes - yeah!
On Change - Change yeah! -Change and yeah -Oh yeah! -lotsa Change!
Wow - this guy is not just another skinny politician with big ears! -And look at his following -oh yeah! - Rich progressive (supply side) boomers who loved the Bush tax cuts - Oh yeah! Young people who think he's the black version of Jerry Garcia -Oh yeah! - And young and old black folks who think enough white folks will vote for him in the general election -Oh yeah?
The Republicans are laughing their asses off --Oh Yeah! -Their codeword for "Get Obama nominated at All Costs" is "Hillary Clinton will unify the Republican base" -Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
On Iraq - oh yeah -yeah! - hey - whoa 0 yeah! - it's time!
On the Economy - whoa yeah! - Oh yeah -yeah1 - come on -yeah!
On Health Care - Now yeah! - Now is yeah! -let's yeah oh yeah!
On Immigration - security is yeah! -oh yeh oh boy -yeah!
On the Environment - Now yeah -now -yeah now -oh boy -yes - yeah!
On Change - Change yeah! -Change and yeah -Oh yeah! -lotsa Change!
Wow - this guy is not just another skinny politician with big ears! -And look at his following -oh yeah! - Rich progressive (supply side) boomers who loved the Bush tax cuts - Oh yeah! Young people who think he's the black version of Jerry Garcia -Oh yeah! - And young and old black folks who think enough white folks will vote for him in the general election -Oh yeah?
The Republicans are laughing their asses off --Oh Yeah! -Their codeword for "Get Obama nominated at All Costs" is "Hillary Clinton will unify the Republican base" -Oh yeah!
Oh yeah!
Saturday, February 09, 2008
Pope Benedick Is A Soul Pimp For God - Needs Jewish Souls Bad
The Vatican - with it's latest version of Darth Vader -Pope Benedick - just can't understand why their pimps have been unable to get any of their soul whores any tricks with the Jews.
Before the Second Vatican Council, also known as Vatican II, the Good Friday Mass in Latin prayed for the conversion of Jews, referring to their “blindness” and calling upon God to “lift a veil from their hearts.
”An unofficial translation of the NEW prayer reads: “Let us pray for the Jews. May the Lord Our God enlighten their hearts so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.
The prayer calls for God to enlighten the hearts of Jews “so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.”
Okay -where do i sign up? -Hey - wait a minute - what about the Moslems and the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Taoists and the .............
I mean is heaven like a segregated place with different groups all running around waiting to see the Big Guy - or is everybody besides Catholics in hell?
Hmm? -That doesn't sound very Christian -Jesus like or Democratic.
Personally, i think the Pope and his whole queer Vatican are full of shit and always have been!
You see any Jews running around LAX or Zimbabwe with the Mormons pimping and collecting souls for Yahweh? "Hi -my name is Rebbe Moishe Pipick and have you ever thought of being one of the chosen People?"
It's a fucking shame that the Catholic/Christian Soul Pimps have run out of indigenous peoples to degrade,sodomize - dehumanize -savage and drive into extinction.
God's gonna be really pissed if they miss their soul quota - maybe they could try their luck in the mountanous tribal regions of Pakistan?
Before the Second Vatican Council, also known as Vatican II, the Good Friday Mass in Latin prayed for the conversion of Jews, referring to their “blindness” and calling upon God to “lift a veil from their hearts.
”An unofficial translation of the NEW prayer reads: “Let us pray for the Jews. May the Lord Our God enlighten their hearts so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.
The prayer calls for God to enlighten the hearts of Jews “so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.”
Okay -where do i sign up? -Hey - wait a minute - what about the Moslems and the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Taoists and the .............
I mean is heaven like a segregated place with different groups all running around waiting to see the Big Guy - or is everybody besides Catholics in hell?
Hmm? -That doesn't sound very Christian -Jesus like or Democratic.
Personally, i think the Pope and his whole queer Vatican are full of shit and always have been!
You see any Jews running around LAX or Zimbabwe with the Mormons pimping and collecting souls for Yahweh? "Hi -my name is Rebbe Moishe Pipick and have you ever thought of being one of the chosen People?"
It's a fucking shame that the Catholic/Christian Soul Pimps have run out of indigenous peoples to degrade,sodomize - dehumanize -savage and drive into extinction.
God's gonna be really pissed if they miss their soul quota - maybe they could try their luck in the mountanous tribal regions of Pakistan?
Friday, February 08, 2008
Fox Television Announces "America's Funniest Felon"
Once again the rulers of reality have found a way to produce a winning reality show that also benefits society!
It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"
A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :
"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse, and the comedy routines will be based on their particular criminal specialties" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.
Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."
Mark Burnett, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards. -- We are calling this -- 'Stand Up With Conviction' -- and it will become a series of specials leading up to the series debut."
Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."
Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?
It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"
A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :
"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse, and the comedy routines will be based on their particular criminal specialties" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.
Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."
Mark Burnett, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards. -- We are calling this -- 'Stand Up With Conviction' -- and it will become a series of specials leading up to the series debut."
Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."
Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported previously in a bandit exclusive ).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold"
David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep -named after Oxycotin, his drug of choice.The Bandit exclusively reported in a prior post that Limbaugh was caught shtupping Cotton on his farm in Maryland.)
Coulter reportedly screamed from her quarantine; "I only wish i could have infected Hillary!"
Wednesday, February 06, 2008
Mike Huckabee Would Become Fattest American President
William Howard Taft, at 6 feet and weighing over 350 pounds (159 kg),was the heaviest US President. -He was given the nickname "Big Lub" because of his size -Taft's weight caused him to become stuck in the bathtub in the White House on several occasions, prompting the installation of a new bathtub capable of holding all of the men who installed it, something the White House denied until the bathtub was torn out years later.
Mike Huckabee has lost well over one-hundred pounds and he's not exactly a Slim Jim! -With the pressures of the Oval Office weighing him DOWN - he would almost certainly balloon back UP into the "Big Lug" category and most surely break the record for Presidential obesity. (and the bed and bathtub as well).
So- do we need a President who will bring the full array of emotional dysfunction correlated with"Obesity"into the leadership of the free world? - A President who woud be known to world leaders as the "Porky Preacher" and to congress as the "Baptist Balloon"?
A Commanderin Chief who would need his uniform tailored by "Omar the tent Maker"? -and who would be called "General Goodyear" by the Joint Chiefs of Staff"?
I ask you?
Mike Huckabee has lost well over one-hundred pounds and he's not exactly a Slim Jim! -With the pressures of the Oval Office weighing him DOWN - he would almost certainly balloon back UP into the "Big Lug" category and most surely break the record for Presidential obesity. (and the bed and bathtub as well).
So- do we need a President who will bring the full array of emotional dysfunction correlated with"Obesity"into the leadership of the free world? - A President who woud be known to world leaders as the "Porky Preacher" and to congress as the "Baptist Balloon"?
A Commanderin Chief who would need his uniform tailored by "Omar the tent Maker"? -and who would be called "General Goodyear" by the Joint Chiefs of Staff"?
I ask you?
Sunday, February 03, 2008
Priests Should Be Castrated After taking Final Vows
They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"
And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.
And as wenow know, this has been a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).
And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!
You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.
So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican." And believe you me - it won't be long before the Church will be offering bonus' to anyone who will sign up - because they are about five-hundred years behind the times culturally- as usual.
Oh -and not to worry --God will keep your nuts safe until you get to Heaven.
And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.
And as wenow know, this has been a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).
And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!
You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.
So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican." And believe you me - it won't be long before the Church will be offering bonus' to anyone who will sign up - because they are about five-hundred years behind the times culturally- as usual.
Oh -and not to worry --God will keep your nuts safe until you get to Heaven.
Friday, February 01, 2008
Mitt Romney Overheard Telling All About His Sex Life
Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!
The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life!"
He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:"A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantly - once a month - is what a sex life is all about."
"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- where every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me! These yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch on their porno collections. - They have zero pussy options and they should not be judging those who do!"
"Now i want a family AND a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and worn out and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"
"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."
He's definitely got my interest piqued -- But McCaine has got some major hotty for an old lady! (I'll bet he's screwed way more hotties than that jerk Romney.)
The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life!"
He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:"A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantly - once a month - is what a sex life is all about."
"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- where every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me! These yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch on their porno collections. - They have zero pussy options and they should not be judging those who do!"
"Now i want a family AND a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and worn out and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"
"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."
He's definitely got my interest piqued -- But McCaine has got some major hotty for an old lady! (I'll bet he's screwed way more hotties than that jerk Romney.)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Obama Gets Secific At Long Last!
On the economy - Oh yeah! - We gotta do better for everyone - oh yeah - we gotta have hope for all.
On health care - Oh Yeah! - yeah! - folks gotta hope and pray - oh yeah we gotta join together - yeah!
On Iraq - Oh yeah! - Wow - we gotta look at it all - with hope - for all - for everyone - together - Oh Yeah!
On the environment - Oh boy oh yeah! - Whew - yeah we gotta oh yeah!
On immigration - Wooo --Oh yeah ! - Wer'e all in it -- hope - we gotta move - Oh yeah!
On entitlements - yeah -Oh Oh Yeah! - It's time together - change and hope - Oh yeah!
On national security - oh my - oh yeah -we all gotta pray and hope and dream - together -- oh yeah!
Now i feel better - Oh Yeah!
On health care - Oh Yeah! - yeah! - folks gotta hope and pray - oh yeah we gotta join together - yeah!
On Iraq - Oh yeah! - Wow - we gotta look at it all - with hope - for all - for everyone - together - Oh Yeah!
On the environment - Oh boy oh yeah! - Whew - yeah we gotta oh yeah!
On immigration - Wooo --Oh yeah ! - Wer'e all in it -- hope - we gotta move - Oh yeah!
On entitlements - yeah -Oh Oh Yeah! - It's time together - change and hope - Oh yeah!
On national security - oh my - oh yeah -we all gotta pray and hope and dream - together -- oh yeah!
Now i feel better - Oh Yeah!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings
As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including, as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins ie:
Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over -- anchoring without underwear -- becoming the worlds first actual news dummy with a sexy voice over -- and even having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
\
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline, but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke.The bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report titled "Katie Couric kills for you!"
"Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -I have tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."
Katie concluded; - "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."
Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over -- anchoring without underwear -- becoming the worlds first actual news dummy with a sexy voice over -- and even having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
\
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline, but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke.The bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report titled "Katie Couric kills for you!"
"Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -I have tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."
Katie concluded; - "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."
Qui Est Jerome Kerviel? - Just Another French Asshole
Who Is Jerome Kerviel?
That's probably what the Fed chairman said Thursday morning when he woke up and saw the headlines. As it turns out, Jerome Kerviel is a 31 year old Frenchman who enjoys judo and sailing. He worked as a trader at Societe Generale, and somehow managed to lose almost €5 billion in a series of complex, concealed deals on European stock derivatives. Kerviel's colleagues described him as a "computer genius" who was allegedly able to hack into the bank's computers to hide his reckless trading.
The Fed didn't know about Kerviel's shenanigans when they cut interest rates by 0.75% on Monday, and it now looks like the Fed's biggest emergency rate cut ever may have been sparked by a lie. Events unfolded like this: Kerviel screwed up on Friday last week, when he failed to disable the bank's automatic alert system, and his irregular trading suddenly showed up. Societe Generale's bosses grilled him on Saturday night, and the bank's management decided to unwind all the out-of-money trades on Monday.
The unwinding of such a massive position put immense pressure on the futures market, and it started looking like a manic Monday. Other traders saw the plunge in futures amid massive and mysterious selling, and even though the U.S. markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day, they start selling everything else.
With U.S. traders away from their desks, the sell orders in an illiquid market caused a bigger than expected shock to prices. There is no doubt that the unwinding of Kerviel's positions contributed in a big way to Monday's dramatic slump in world stock markets. Things got progressively worse in the hours leading up to Tuesday's U.S. market opening, and Bernanke played his ace card, cutting interest rates by 0.75% in an attempt to prevent a stock market meltdown.
Some commentators may nominate Jerome Kerviel as the poster boy for everything that is wrong with the Federal Reserve's policies. The Fed has demonstrated by now that they prefer to treat the symptom, and not the cause. Monday's carnage on stock markets was the symptom, and Societe Generale's weak internal control was one of the causes. Cutting interest rates by 0.75% isn't going to stop Jerome Kerviel v2.0 from trying to cheat the system.
Of course, the Fed has little control over the internal controls at banks, but the above example illustrates the futility of treating the symptom instead of the cause. Let's take the cause/symptom analogy a step further. What if the current crisis is merely a symptom of a deeper cause? To quote the legendary investor George Soros: "The current crisis is not only the bust that follows the housing boom [symptom], it's basically the end of a 60-year period of continuing credit expansion based on the dollar as the reserve currency [underlying cause]. Now the rest of the world is increasingly unwilling to accumulate dollars."
If, as Soros argues, the underlying cause of the problem is the end of the dollar's hegemony, then the Fed is doing more damage by treating the symptom, i.e. cutting interest rates to support the stock market. By using aggressive interest rate cuts to shore up stock markets, the Fed devalues the yield advantage of the greenback. Why should other nations hold the dollar as a reserve currency if the Fed shows no restraint in damaging its value? Why should other nations hold the dollar when the Fed is reactive instead of proactive? Not to mention the wave of inflation that will come on the back of the recent rate cuts.
What if every modern day financial crisis is a symptom of a deeper cause? Once again, to quote George Soros: "This is the end of credit expansion [the symptom] based on the mistaken belief of market fundamentalism [the cause], that you should let markets have total freedom." If you give the market total freedom, you create myriad opportunities for Jerome Kerviel v2.0. I assure you that he is not the only "computer genius" conducting fictitious futures trades to lift bonuses or cover up embarrassment. How much of the world's derivatives market is fiction?
I'm putting all my money in Uteroil!
PS -i lifted this article from the net - i may be a vulgar Jew News Shock Jock -but I'm not into content theft (like Obama and Mitt).
That's probably what the Fed chairman said Thursday morning when he woke up and saw the headlines. As it turns out, Jerome Kerviel is a 31 year old Frenchman who enjoys judo and sailing. He worked as a trader at Societe Generale, and somehow managed to lose almost €5 billion in a series of complex, concealed deals on European stock derivatives. Kerviel's colleagues described him as a "computer genius" who was allegedly able to hack into the bank's computers to hide his reckless trading.
The Fed didn't know about Kerviel's shenanigans when they cut interest rates by 0.75% on Monday, and it now looks like the Fed's biggest emergency rate cut ever may have been sparked by a lie. Events unfolded like this: Kerviel screwed up on Friday last week, when he failed to disable the bank's automatic alert system, and his irregular trading suddenly showed up. Societe Generale's bosses grilled him on Saturday night, and the bank's management decided to unwind all the out-of-money trades on Monday.
The unwinding of such a massive position put immense pressure on the futures market, and it started looking like a manic Monday. Other traders saw the plunge in futures amid massive and mysterious selling, and even though the U.S. markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day, they start selling everything else.
With U.S. traders away from their desks, the sell orders in an illiquid market caused a bigger than expected shock to prices. There is no doubt that the unwinding of Kerviel's positions contributed in a big way to Monday's dramatic slump in world stock markets. Things got progressively worse in the hours leading up to Tuesday's U.S. market opening, and Bernanke played his ace card, cutting interest rates by 0.75% in an attempt to prevent a stock market meltdown.
Some commentators may nominate Jerome Kerviel as the poster boy for everything that is wrong with the Federal Reserve's policies. The Fed has demonstrated by now that they prefer to treat the symptom, and not the cause. Monday's carnage on stock markets was the symptom, and Societe Generale's weak internal control was one of the causes. Cutting interest rates by 0.75% isn't going to stop Jerome Kerviel v2.0 from trying to cheat the system.
Of course, the Fed has little control over the internal controls at banks, but the above example illustrates the futility of treating the symptom instead of the cause. Let's take the cause/symptom analogy a step further. What if the current crisis is merely a symptom of a deeper cause? To quote the legendary investor George Soros: "The current crisis is not only the bust that follows the housing boom [symptom], it's basically the end of a 60-year period of continuing credit expansion based on the dollar as the reserve currency [underlying cause]. Now the rest of the world is increasingly unwilling to accumulate dollars."
If, as Soros argues, the underlying cause of the problem is the end of the dollar's hegemony, then the Fed is doing more damage by treating the symptom, i.e. cutting interest rates to support the stock market. By using aggressive interest rate cuts to shore up stock markets, the Fed devalues the yield advantage of the greenback. Why should other nations hold the dollar as a reserve currency if the Fed shows no restraint in damaging its value? Why should other nations hold the dollar when the Fed is reactive instead of proactive? Not to mention the wave of inflation that will come on the back of the recent rate cuts.
What if every modern day financial crisis is a symptom of a deeper cause? Once again, to quote George Soros: "This is the end of credit expansion [the symptom] based on the mistaken belief of market fundamentalism [the cause], that you should let markets have total freedom." If you give the market total freedom, you create myriad opportunities for Jerome Kerviel v2.0. I assure you that he is not the only "computer genius" conducting fictitious futures trades to lift bonuses or cover up embarrassment. How much of the world's derivatives market is fiction?
I'm putting all my money in Uteroil!
PS -i lifted this article from the net - i may be a vulgar Jew News Shock Jock -but I'm not into content theft (like Obama and Mitt).
Monday, January 28, 2008
Democrats Start Their Suicide Spawning Run With Obama The Lead Salmon
The only difference between the Salmon who swim upstream to lay their eggs and then die and the Democratic party - is that the Democrats don't provide any food for bears or fisherman along the death run.
Obama will get the nomination! The liberal dems led by Teddy Kennedy and his support of Obama, all gaga about getting our rejuvenated youth back into the political process and woopeedoo -the "people" are ready for a cosmic cultural shift! - And yahoody a black man in the Oval!
Reality check time - the democratic right center will collapse like a DAR waspy bluenose watching "Guess Who is Coming To Dinner" (oh- and comparing Obama to JFK is like comparing Jesse Jackson to Tom Paine)
And the youth will come out to vote when the government bans Myspace and Facebook and "Grand Theft Auto".
The GOP is laughing their asses off! -"Holy shit - they had us beat - and they nominate a skinny black kid - with the economy and the world turning into a bigger shit pile every day!" --"hahahahahahhhahahahah!"
So - get ready for at least four years with "MittMan" - the human Chameleon. By the time he's through, the American working class will resemble the pre French Revolution peasantry.
"Off with their heads" in 2012!" - nah - the Salmons will nominate some exuberant Hispanic.
Spawning time!
Obama will get the nomination! The liberal dems led by Teddy Kennedy and his support of Obama, all gaga about getting our rejuvenated youth back into the political process and woopeedoo -the "people" are ready for a cosmic cultural shift! - And yahoody a black man in the Oval!
Reality check time - the democratic right center will collapse like a DAR waspy bluenose watching "Guess Who is Coming To Dinner" (oh- and comparing Obama to JFK is like comparing Jesse Jackson to Tom Paine)
And the youth will come out to vote when the government bans Myspace and Facebook and "Grand Theft Auto".
The GOP is laughing their asses off! -"Holy shit - they had us beat - and they nominate a skinny black kid - with the economy and the world turning into a bigger shit pile every day!" --"hahahahahahhhahahahah!"
So - get ready for at least four years with "MittMan" - the human Chameleon. By the time he's through, the American working class will resemble the pre French Revolution peasantry.
"Off with their heads" in 2012!" - nah - the Salmons will nominate some exuberant Hispanic.
Spawning time!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Fox TV'S Moment of Truth" Greatest TV Show In History
Following is an excerpt from a NY Times review of "Moment of truth" - in case you missed it.
"In the annals of reality television, “The Moment of Truth” may be a milestone. Fox has come up with a cash-prize competition that is neither a game of chance nor a test of knowledge. It’s a pseudo-psychological trial by ordeal in which the contestants trade candor for dollars.
The set is similar to those used on “The Weakest Link” and “Deal or No Deal,” but the object of this game is to prod seemingly nice people to admit bad behavior. As family members and friends look on, the contestant is asked a series of embarrassing personal questions by the host. Truthful answers, as determined by a polygraph, are rewarded by cash, from $10,000 for the first, relatively banal queries to $500,000 for the marriage-busting kind."
My one and only wish - if a God appeared and offered me one - would be to be able to pick the contestants and ask the questions on this brilliant and culture shifting show. (i was born for this)
Imagine? - folks can get rich by simply telling the truth - so - for the first time in recorded history - you get some straight talk about the kind of human feelings that have laid dormant and unspoken since human beings got into primitive language around a million years ago. And back then it was anatomically difficult to grunt to some chick -"Hey -you have a smelly pussy." (even if you wanted to be honest)
The cultural fallout from this program is going to upheave modern civilization -and i predict -for openers -that folks who "come out" on this show will suffer from PTSMOTS or post traumatic stress "Moment of Truth" syndrome.
I mean - you cannot admit in front of ten million viewers; "Yes - everytime i have fucked my husband for the last twenty years i have been thinking of "Buck" Wilson who cornholed me in the back of his Chevy after the senior prom," - I mean - you just don't come home with your pile of dough and expect the hubbie and the kids to say; "Wow Mom -way to Go - you were great let's go shopping!"
Or attend Sundat services with Pastor Herman (who gags as you go to kiss him on the cheek) and your local congregation after.... "Yes - i did give Jose the landscaper a blow job while Bill was visiting his sick sister up in Boise" -and expect them to want any of your famous apple pie.
Or, say, to expect your parents to ever leave the house again after you admit to fantacizing about tying up and gagging Grandpa in his wheelchair - in the attic - and humping your brother in front of him.
Or do you? - It's gonna be interesting - think of the possibilities?- the ramifications?
Well -stay tuned - I've got plenty of questions (and would certainly welcome yours)
Hey - imagine getting the candidates on this show? - I'm calling Fox!
"In the annals of reality television, “The Moment of Truth” may be a milestone. Fox has come up with a cash-prize competition that is neither a game of chance nor a test of knowledge. It’s a pseudo-psychological trial by ordeal in which the contestants trade candor for dollars.
The set is similar to those used on “The Weakest Link” and “Deal or No Deal,” but the object of this game is to prod seemingly nice people to admit bad behavior. As family members and friends look on, the contestant is asked a series of embarrassing personal questions by the host. Truthful answers, as determined by a polygraph, are rewarded by cash, from $10,000 for the first, relatively banal queries to $500,000 for the marriage-busting kind."
My one and only wish - if a God appeared and offered me one - would be to be able to pick the contestants and ask the questions on this brilliant and culture shifting show. (i was born for this)
Imagine? - folks can get rich by simply telling the truth - so - for the first time in recorded history - you get some straight talk about the kind of human feelings that have laid dormant and unspoken since human beings got into primitive language around a million years ago. And back then it was anatomically difficult to grunt to some chick -"Hey -you have a smelly pussy." (even if you wanted to be honest)
The cultural fallout from this program is going to upheave modern civilization -and i predict -for openers -that folks who "come out" on this show will suffer from PTSMOTS or post traumatic stress "Moment of Truth" syndrome.
I mean - you cannot admit in front of ten million viewers; "Yes - everytime i have fucked my husband for the last twenty years i have been thinking of "Buck" Wilson who cornholed me in the back of his Chevy after the senior prom," - I mean - you just don't come home with your pile of dough and expect the hubbie and the kids to say; "Wow Mom -way to Go - you were great let's go shopping!"
Or attend Sundat services with Pastor Herman (who gags as you go to kiss him on the cheek) and your local congregation after.... "Yes - i did give Jose the landscaper a blow job while Bill was visiting his sick sister up in Boise" -and expect them to want any of your famous apple pie.
Or, say, to expect your parents to ever leave the house again after you admit to fantacizing about tying up and gagging Grandpa in his wheelchair - in the attic - and humping your brother in front of him.
Or do you? - It's gonna be interesting - think of the possibilities?- the ramifications?
Well -stay tuned - I've got plenty of questions (and would certainly welcome yours)
Hey - imagine getting the candidates on this show? - I'm calling Fox!
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Fred Thompson "Lazy Like A Lox" - a Gift From God for Democrats
Well, back on it's September 10th cover Newsweek proclaimed; "Fred Thompson -Lazy Like a Fox."
Yep - back then the Republican's, and most of the media were all a flutter about the prospects of "Law and Order" Freddie mustering up his great and quiet strength and DA dignity, and getting read to accept the GOP mantle of Ronald Reagan "Messiah."
So sorry - there won't be any grand old partying because Freddy has turned into -"Lazy Like A LOX" - or even better -politically, he's - "Dead As a Lox!"
What the hell happened? - I mean the guy is a TV hero who moves around like John Wayne and his competition is a guy who looks like body parts will start falling off him at any time - another guy who makes Al Gore look like Homer Simpson - another whose only hope is that Bin laden returns for the Empire State building - and a fucking fanatical hillbilly.
Maybe he was too dynamic and cerebral for Reagan lovers?
Hey - Fred Thompson would have blown Hillary or Barak (or both) off the map- so we really got a lucky break here - ( Karl Rove must be chewing on his socks!)
If the Dems blow this one I'm moving to Venezuela.
Yep - back then the Republican's, and most of the media were all a flutter about the prospects of "Law and Order" Freddie mustering up his great and quiet strength and DA dignity, and getting read to accept the GOP mantle of Ronald Reagan "Messiah."
So sorry - there won't be any grand old partying because Freddy has turned into -"Lazy Like A LOX" - or even better -politically, he's - "Dead As a Lox!"
What the hell happened? - I mean the guy is a TV hero who moves around like John Wayne and his competition is a guy who looks like body parts will start falling off him at any time - another guy who makes Al Gore look like Homer Simpson - another whose only hope is that Bin laden returns for the Empire State building - and a fucking fanatical hillbilly.
Maybe he was too dynamic and cerebral for Reagan lovers?
Hey - Fred Thompson would have blown Hillary or Barak (or both) off the map- so we really got a lucky break here - ( Karl Rove must be chewing on his socks!)
If the Dems blow this one I'm moving to Venezuela.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Candidates Shocked By New Poll Results
Well here's some national polling data that is astonishing and revelatory of the acute political savvy of the American electorate:
52% of all men would not vote for Hillary Clinton because of her 'Manatee" like thigh's and fat ankles.They feel that a fat Secretary of State, like Madeline Albright is ok - but they want a woman president with "Hot Wheels"
80% of all blacks think that Mitt Romney is wearing a costume (like a corporate super hero) - ie. "Mittman" - They actually believe that there is a Jew that looks like Ken Lay underneath the costume.
75% of all voters think there is a strong possibility that Rudy Giuliani may be a sex slave to his dominatrix wife Judith - and that she is an arch cunt.
62% of all voters believe that John McCaine is the finest overall candidate but they worry about the possibility of body parts falling off him - or his suddenly becoming a pile of dust.
72% of all male voters think that John Edwards might be only twelve years old - 63% of woman say fifteen.
89% of all men confuse Fred Thompson with that actor in "Walking Tall" and think that he should carry an axe handle. 87% of all women think he falls asleep during foreplay.
76% of all voters think that Ron Paul just woke up from a forty year nap under an apple tree.
48% of all black women think that Barack Obama would look exactly like Sidney Poitier if he gained eighty pounds, and 74% of white women would like to hold onto his huge "chimpy" ears while he boffed them.
90% of all voters think that Dennis Kucinitch is an alien muntchkin from the planet Poland.
78% of all non religious fanaticks think that Mike Huckleberry bites the heads off of rattlesnakes and lights his farts for fun.
Well - as i always say "Never underestimate the intelligence of the average American voter - they just have a sixth sense about these things."
52% of all men would not vote for Hillary Clinton because of her 'Manatee" like thigh's and fat ankles.They feel that a fat Secretary of State, like Madeline Albright is ok - but they want a woman president with "Hot Wheels"
80% of all blacks think that Mitt Romney is wearing a costume (like a corporate super hero) - ie. "Mittman" - They actually believe that there is a Jew that looks like Ken Lay underneath the costume.
75% of all voters think there is a strong possibility that Rudy Giuliani may be a sex slave to his dominatrix wife Judith - and that she is an arch cunt.
62% of all voters believe that John McCaine is the finest overall candidate but they worry about the possibility of body parts falling off him - or his suddenly becoming a pile of dust.
72% of all male voters think that John Edwards might be only twelve years old - 63% of woman say fifteen.
89% of all men confuse Fred Thompson with that actor in "Walking Tall" and think that he should carry an axe handle. 87% of all women think he falls asleep during foreplay.
76% of all voters think that Ron Paul just woke up from a forty year nap under an apple tree.
48% of all black women think that Barack Obama would look exactly like Sidney Poitier if he gained eighty pounds, and 74% of white women would like to hold onto his huge "chimpy" ears while he boffed them.
90% of all voters think that Dennis Kucinitch is an alien muntchkin from the planet Poland.
78% of all non religious fanaticks think that Mike Huckleberry bites the heads off of rattlesnakes and lights his farts for fun.
Well - as i always say "Never underestimate the intelligence of the average American voter - they just have a sixth sense about these things."
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Major Breakthrough In Fossil Fuel Replacement -- Uteroil
The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.
"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."
He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."
"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.
He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"
President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"
When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."
"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."
As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."
Too late!
"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."
He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."
"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.
He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"
President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"
When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."
"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."
As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."
Too late!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Is That You Obama? (say's Mrs. Romney)
So Mitt Romney takes a pee break during one of the debates and as he's standing in front of the urinal next to Obama he glances over and out of the corner of his eye he spots the largest dick he has ever seen - i mean it's like a black Anaconda.
"Wow Obama", say's Mitt - "I don't mean to pry but damn you are so well endowed - God, my wife would go crazy if i had a cock that huge!"
"Well Mitt" says Obama - "You can have a giant cock like me - Just do what i do. - Bang your dick against the dresser every night before you get into bed, and in about six months you won't believe how huge it will get."
So that night after a long day of bullshitting the voters , Mitt takes off his clothes - looks around -and Bam! Bam! -he wacks his tiny Mormon dick against his Chippendale dresser."
And - in the dark - from underneath the twenty thousand dollar quilt, made for Marie Antoinette, - his wife excitedly exclaims: "Is that you Obama?"
That's life!
"Wow Obama", say's Mitt - "I don't mean to pry but damn you are so well endowed - God, my wife would go crazy if i had a cock that huge!"
"Well Mitt" says Obama - "You can have a giant cock like me - Just do what i do. - Bang your dick against the dresser every night before you get into bed, and in about six months you won't believe how huge it will get."
So that night after a long day of bullshitting the voters , Mitt takes off his clothes - looks around -and Bam! Bam! -he wacks his tiny Mormon dick against his Chippendale dresser."
And - in the dark - from underneath the twenty thousand dollar quilt, made for Marie Antoinette, - his wife excitedly exclaims: "Is that you Obama?"
That's life!
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Who Is Bill Clinton Porking These Days?
I just can't help wondering where one of the world's most powerful and horny men is getting his rocks off these days?
Bill is definitely looking good! I mean this guy was screwing everything that walked when he was twenty pounds heavier and tailed 24/7 by a security detail - and you just know he's not giving Hillary the high hard one.
This guy is so cool - i just hope he can keep the lid on until Hillary becomes President, and then we can all spend the next four years hearing about all the great pussy that Bill is nailing all over the world.
I mean - if this dude can get his pecker gulped by an intern while President, in front of the whole world - and continue to thrive as a political icon and respected world leader -- then he is unquestionably capable, as first man and roving Ambassador for the United States, -- to reach heights of pussy attainment only dreamed of by the greatest cuntmen in history!
I absolutely love and admire this man - i would rather have his autograph than a mint Honus Wagner - i only hope he refrains from humping the wife or daughter of some major Muslim leader.
But they have so many wives and there all pretty ugly - I'm just not gonna worry about it..
Bill is definitely looking good! I mean this guy was screwing everything that walked when he was twenty pounds heavier and tailed 24/7 by a security detail - and you just know he's not giving Hillary the high hard one.
This guy is so cool - i just hope he can keep the lid on until Hillary becomes President, and then we can all spend the next four years hearing about all the great pussy that Bill is nailing all over the world.
I mean - if this dude can get his pecker gulped by an intern while President, in front of the whole world - and continue to thrive as a political icon and respected world leader -- then he is unquestionably capable, as first man and roving Ambassador for the United States, -- to reach heights of pussy attainment only dreamed of by the greatest cuntmen in history!
I absolutely love and admire this man - i would rather have his autograph than a mint Honus Wagner - i only hope he refrains from humping the wife or daughter of some major Muslim leader.
But they have so many wives and there all pretty ugly - I'm just not gonna worry about it..
Monday, January 14, 2008
Fox announces "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor
Fox has got a lot of balls, in addition to being cutting edge creative! Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience.
"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome,President of Fox entertainment.
This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."
"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!" Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty - so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"
"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"
"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --"It will be bigger than Idol!"
I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off
"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome,President of Fox entertainment.
This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."
"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!" Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty - so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"
"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"
"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --"It will be bigger than Idol!"
I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Pro Sports Needs Super Performance Enhanced - "SPEED" Divisions
Bud Selig should announce that starting with pro baseball - a 'SPEED" division will be added to each league -where every player will undergo super performance enhanced training.
It will create a titanic shift in sports competition - Remember Drago (the Russian hi tech enhanced boxer) vs. Rocky Balboa (training under primitive conditions in Siberia) -in Rocky V.
Hey - todays athletes are a biological world away from professional athletes of yesteryear in terms of nutrition - phsical training - medicine - rehabilitation - equipment - motivational and coaching tequniques - pain remediation - and even "legal" doping, and let's not forget, recruitment is now from a much wider gene pool.
So let's cut out all this nostalgic whining for the good old days of "natural men" duking it out on the field of professional sports Chivalry. - I say let's seriously juice up a batch of superstars athletes - using every trick in the modern - state of the art bio/robotic handbook - and put em head to head with all the other quasi bionic superstars.
And boy will the ratings and revenues go through the roof -and who knows -maybe David WILL slay Goliath? (and goodbye all those idiotic asteriks)
But don't bank on it - just get used to the idea - your grandchildren will definitely be "Sports Junkies."
It will create a titanic shift in sports competition - Remember Drago (the Russian hi tech enhanced boxer) vs. Rocky Balboa (training under primitive conditions in Siberia) -in Rocky V.
Hey - todays athletes are a biological world away from professional athletes of yesteryear in terms of nutrition - phsical training - medicine - rehabilitation - equipment - motivational and coaching tequniques - pain remediation - and even "legal" doping, and let's not forget, recruitment is now from a much wider gene pool.
So let's cut out all this nostalgic whining for the good old days of "natural men" duking it out on the field of professional sports Chivalry. - I say let's seriously juice up a batch of superstars athletes - using every trick in the modern - state of the art bio/robotic handbook - and put em head to head with all the other quasi bionic superstars.
And boy will the ratings and revenues go through the roof -and who knows -maybe David WILL slay Goliath? (and goodbye all those idiotic asteriks)
But don't bank on it - just get used to the idea - your grandchildren will definitely be "Sports Junkies."
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Susan Sarandon's Colon Polyp Sells For 50k At Christy's Auction House
Celebrity Colon Polyps Fetch Huge Prices
The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars
A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab. technician.
Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time)."
Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million."It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - but he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet.
He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."
It's a cleansing thought!
The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars
A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab. technician.
Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time)."
Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million."It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - but he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet.
He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."
It's a cleansing thought!
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Mike Huckleberry To heal Lame In New Hampshire
With the Christian extremists in new Hampshire pleading for some sign of revelation from Minister Huckleberry - he announced today:
"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Hampshirian's"
.""I told the Lord that most of the folks in New Hampshire were already lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"
"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."
"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to also heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"
I get the feelin that God is a dog lover. = And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebeebrry. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)
I guess Davey boy musta missed the Sermon On the Mount part of the Bible - like most Christians.
"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Hampshirian's"
.""I told the Lord that most of the folks in New Hampshire were already lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"
"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."
"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to also heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"
I get the feelin that God is a dog lover. = And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebeebrry. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)
I guess Davey boy musta missed the Sermon On the Mount part of the Bible - like most Christians.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Secret New Years Resolutions Of Britney Spears Revealed - As She Converts To Islam
The digibandit has received a copy of Britney Spear's New Year resolutions - and here are these astonishing revelations:
I will become a devout Islamo Fascist!
As a Muslim Fundamentalist i will not have any fun - only forced sex with smelly violent men - no more kinky pleasure - no more blow jobs or anal shtupping. (i will really miss that!)
I will hate all Jews and Infidels and Sunni Muslims - and i don't know why and it doesn't matter - hating is good!
I will not engage in any art related activities - Allah does not like TV or Music or Dancing or Books or basically anything beautiful that might take away from worshipping him.
I will recite prayers from the Koran five times a day - it doesn't matter if i understand what I'm saying - most of my fellow Muslims can't read or write anyway.
I will not expose any of my body in public - so i might as well just get as fat as a house like most Muslim women - i kinda like this part but i don't think rice will replace Ben and Jerry's.
I will enjoy having no basic rights - as a woman i will basically enjoy being one step higher on the social ladder than a goat.
It will be fun being hot and dirty and oppressed and totally ignorant - surrounded by violence and watching my children have just as much fun as me.
If i get real lucky one of my children will blow himself up and a whole batch of Infidels - and then he can send for me to join him in Paradise.
Hey - it's gotta be better than my life in Hollywood?
I will become a devout Islamo Fascist!
As a Muslim Fundamentalist i will not have any fun - only forced sex with smelly violent men - no more kinky pleasure - no more blow jobs or anal shtupping. (i will really miss that!)
I will hate all Jews and Infidels and Sunni Muslims - and i don't know why and it doesn't matter - hating is good!
I will not engage in any art related activities - Allah does not like TV or Music or Dancing or Books or basically anything beautiful that might take away from worshipping him.
I will recite prayers from the Koran five times a day - it doesn't matter if i understand what I'm saying - most of my fellow Muslims can't read or write anyway.
I will not expose any of my body in public - so i might as well just get as fat as a house like most Muslim women - i kinda like this part but i don't think rice will replace Ben and Jerry's.
I will enjoy having no basic rights - as a woman i will basically enjoy being one step higher on the social ladder than a goat.
It will be fun being hot and dirty and oppressed and totally ignorant - surrounded by violence and watching my children have just as much fun as me.
If i get real lucky one of my children will blow himself up and a whole batch of Infidels - and then he can send for me to join him in Paradise.
Hey - it's gotta be better than my life in Hollywood?
Friday, December 28, 2007
Play New "Wack Off Or Scratch Off" Lottery Game - Win Sex
Starting in march – in Texas –which has the highest number of scratch off lottery players in the country (mostly poor and uneducated minorities) – those players will be able to win blow jobs and various (and all) varieties of sex acts.
Buck Beefy - the head of the Texas Lottery Association, said in a press conference today; “ The tasty sex offerings will be cross genderized and offer mult-racial and ethnic and even sex with disabled hookers in wheel chairs.” (no illegals allowed of course – heh heh)
A fifty dollar winning ticket will get you a pretty fair piece of ass (a hunnert dollar prize will be a REAL tasty deal) - and for just ten dollars you can get a hand job or a good lickin from, say, old widow Munson down behind the truck stop on I95 – heh – heh”
“Oh –almost forgot – there will be grand prize winners - like a five-hundred dollar hit will get some lucky man or woman or combo (heh heh) a weekend in Dallas with Britney Spears and/or Rush Limbaugh –you might say they’ll be a livin in high Oxycotin – heh heh,”
“You can even pick from a group of those young whores that are all over MySpace (Fox just loves the cross promotion and that some off the lottery proceeds go to the State education fund) –That Rupert Murdoch is a real swell feller.and if this ‘Sex Scratch Off” thang get’s a goin good, he said they will make it into a reality show”
"Scratch Off or Wack Off?" -“ Now that’s A surefire reality show hit for Fox TV -Texas should bring in a pile of dough for their schools - and those young sluts on MySpace will make a lot of new friends.
What a country!
Buck Beefy - the head of the Texas Lottery Association, said in a press conference today; “ The tasty sex offerings will be cross genderized and offer mult-racial and ethnic and even sex with disabled hookers in wheel chairs.” (no illegals allowed of course – heh heh)
A fifty dollar winning ticket will get you a pretty fair piece of ass (a hunnert dollar prize will be a REAL tasty deal) - and for just ten dollars you can get a hand job or a good lickin from, say, old widow Munson down behind the truck stop on I95 – heh – heh”
“Oh –almost forgot – there will be grand prize winners - like a five-hundred dollar hit will get some lucky man or woman or combo (heh heh) a weekend in Dallas with Britney Spears and/or Rush Limbaugh –you might say they’ll be a livin in high Oxycotin – heh heh,”
“You can even pick from a group of those young whores that are all over MySpace (Fox just loves the cross promotion and that some off the lottery proceeds go to the State education fund) –That Rupert Murdoch is a real swell feller.and if this ‘Sex Scratch Off” thang get’s a goin good, he said they will make it into a reality show”
"Scratch Off or Wack Off?" -“ Now that’s A surefire reality show hit for Fox TV -Texas should bring in a pile of dough for their schools - and those young sluts on MySpace will make a lot of new friends.
What a country!
United States To Outsource Prison Population
Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the lowest bid to keep you in captivity.
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just intime to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just intime to help our hurtin economy.
"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"
He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"
"Wer'e talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."
He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."
Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!
Thursday, December 27, 2007
A Vacuum - Lots of Time - The Big Bang - Evolution - Genetics - Synthetic Life - Goodbye God
The following is an actual scientific report - as reported on MSNBC - check it out.
That first cell of synthetic life — made from the basic chemicals in DNA — may not seem like much to non-scientists. For one thing, you’ll have to look in a microscope to see it.
“Creating protocells has the potential to shed new life on our place in the universe,” Bedau said. “This will remove one of the few fundamental mysteries about creation in the universe and our role.”
And several scientists believe man-made life forms will one day offer the potential for solving a variety of problems, from fighting diseases to locking up greenhouse gases to eating toxic waste.
Bedau figures there are three major hurdles to creating synthetic life:
A container, or membrane, for the cell to keep bad molecules out, allow good ones, and the ability to multiply.
A genetic system that controls the functions of the cell, enabling it to reproduce and mutate in response to environmental changes.
A metabolism that extracts raw materials from the environment as food and then changes it into energy.
One of the leaders in the field, Jack Szostak at Harvard Medical School, predicts that within the next six months, scientists will report evidence that the first step — creating a cell membrane — is “not a big problem.” Scientists are using fatty acids in that effort.
Szostak is also optimistic about the next step — getting nucleotides, the building blocks of DNA, to form a working genetic system.
His idea is that once the container is made, if scientists add nucleotides in the right proportions, then Darwinian evolution could simply take over.
“We aren’t smart enough to design things, we just let evolution do the hard work and then we figure out what happened,” Szostak said.
In Gainesville, Fla.,
Steve Benner, a biological chemist at the Foundation for Applied Molecular Evolution is attacking that problem by going outside of natural genetics. Normal DNA consists of four bases — adenine, cytosine, guanine and thymine (known as A,C,G,T) — molecules that spell out the genetic code in pairs. Benner is trying to add eight new bases to the genetic alphabet.
Bedau said there are legitimate worries about creating life that could “run amok,” but there are ways of addressing it, and it will be a very long time before that is a problem.
“When these things are created, they’re going to be so weak, it’ll be a huge achievement if you can keep them alive for an hour in the lab,” he said. “But them getting out and taking over, never in our imagination could this happen.”
I can't wait! - Freedom from the mumbo jumbo crowd is on it's way. -- At last!
That first cell of synthetic life — made from the basic chemicals in DNA — may not seem like much to non-scientists. For one thing, you’ll have to look in a microscope to see it.
“Creating protocells has the potential to shed new life on our place in the universe,” Bedau said. “This will remove one of the few fundamental mysteries about creation in the universe and our role.”
And several scientists believe man-made life forms will one day offer the potential for solving a variety of problems, from fighting diseases to locking up greenhouse gases to eating toxic waste.
Bedau figures there are three major hurdles to creating synthetic life:
A container, or membrane, for the cell to keep bad molecules out, allow good ones, and the ability to multiply.
A genetic system that controls the functions of the cell, enabling it to reproduce and mutate in response to environmental changes.
A metabolism that extracts raw materials from the environment as food and then changes it into energy.
One of the leaders in the field, Jack Szostak at Harvard Medical School, predicts that within the next six months, scientists will report evidence that the first step — creating a cell membrane — is “not a big problem.” Scientists are using fatty acids in that effort.
Szostak is also optimistic about the next step — getting nucleotides, the building blocks of DNA, to form a working genetic system.
His idea is that once the container is made, if scientists add nucleotides in the right proportions, then Darwinian evolution could simply take over.
“We aren’t smart enough to design things, we just let evolution do the hard work and then we figure out what happened,” Szostak said.
In Gainesville, Fla.,
Steve Benner, a biological chemist at the Foundation for Applied Molecular Evolution is attacking that problem by going outside of natural genetics. Normal DNA consists of four bases — adenine, cytosine, guanine and thymine (known as A,C,G,T) — molecules that spell out the genetic code in pairs. Benner is trying to add eight new bases to the genetic alphabet.
Bedau said there are legitimate worries about creating life that could “run amok,” but there are ways of addressing it, and it will be a very long time before that is a problem.
“When these things are created, they’re going to be so weak, it’ll be a huge achievement if you can keep them alive for an hour in the lab,” he said. “But them getting out and taking over, never in our imagination could this happen.”
I can't wait! - Freedom from the mumbo jumbo crowd is on it's way. -- At last!
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Soon God Will Be Dead - Thank God
So i asked my son this georgous LA Christmas mornin; "Now your mother is a religious catholic and you were christened -do you believe all that Jesus/Revelation/ Divine Deity/Heaven-Hell/ Literal Scripture Miracle/Blind-faith Stuff?"
Thank God - he replied. "Are you fucking crazy Dad?"
So i said; "No profanity in the Digibandit household -and if you don't believe in God where do you get your sense of right and wrong from - i mean why are you such a kindhearted and loving and charitable person?"(the wackos say secularists have no moral foundation)
He said;"Because i'm a fucking normal human being - and for most of these fucking religious asshole repressed hypocrites - Church is just half time in the worldwide video game called " Slaughter The Innocents Because They Are Different" - And, anyway, all the cool people would be cool even if they weren't completely brainwashed into believing that crapola when they were little."
I said; "Stop cursing - here's a check for ten thousand dollars - buy some drugs and take your girlfriend to Las Vegas for New Years - on me. -You have allowed me to die in peace. - I'm so proud of you!"
"Keep your money poppy - give it to some poor folks -and i'll try to stop cursing, but it's hard being around you. -and anyway wer'e working at the Santa Monica food bank on New Years."
God can't last much longer - these kids today are too moral -- Thank God!
Merry Xmas
Thank God - he replied. "Are you fucking crazy Dad?"
So i said; "No profanity in the Digibandit household -and if you don't believe in God where do you get your sense of right and wrong from - i mean why are you such a kindhearted and loving and charitable person?"(the wackos say secularists have no moral foundation)
He said;"Because i'm a fucking normal human being - and for most of these fucking religious asshole repressed hypocrites - Church is just half time in the worldwide video game called " Slaughter The Innocents Because They Are Different" - And, anyway, all the cool people would be cool even if they weren't completely brainwashed into believing that crapola when they were little."
I said; "Stop cursing - here's a check for ten thousand dollars - buy some drugs and take your girlfriend to Las Vegas for New Years - on me. -You have allowed me to die in peace. - I'm so proud of you!"
"Keep your money poppy - give it to some poor folks -and i'll try to stop cursing, but it's hard being around you. -and anyway wer'e working at the Santa Monica food bank on New Years."
God can't last much longer - these kids today are too moral -- Thank God!
Merry Xmas
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Merry Xmas From China - Lead For Tots - And Brain Damage
It's simple - the current levels of lead in Chinese made toys are destructive to the long term cognitive development of your children.
Unanimous recommendations by doctors and scientists are to decrease the amount of lead deemed currently acceptable by over ten fold. (and the Chinks currently violate even the unacceptable existing standards for lead content)
"Oh -I justcan't seem to find any toys my little Amy wants that aren't from China?"
Listen you fucking moron -- little Amy will be drooling all over herself in the stock room of a Chinese corporation when she's twenty one -earning seven dollars an hour - and will give birth to your grandchild who will be ironically Chinese / Mongolian - with a ten pound head.
For Christ's sake go buy your kids some books - or crafts or anything that's made in America without lead paint.
Unanimous recommendations by doctors and scientists are to decrease the amount of lead deemed currently acceptable by over ten fold. (and the Chinks currently violate even the unacceptable existing standards for lead content)
"Oh -I justcan't seem to find any toys my little Amy wants that aren't from China?"
Listen you fucking moron -- little Amy will be drooling all over herself in the stock room of a Chinese corporation when she's twenty one -earning seven dollars an hour - and will give birth to your grandchild who will be ironically Chinese / Mongolian - with a ten pound head.
For Christ's sake go buy your kids some books - or crafts or anything that's made in America without lead paint.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Huckabee Should Start Healing Iowans - Says The Lord
With the Christian extremists in Iowa pleading for some sign of revelation from Minister Huckleberry - he has announced:
"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Iowans."
"I told the Lord that most of the Iowans were lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"
"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."
"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"
"I get the feelin that God is a dog lover."
PS --And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebee. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)
"I have been trying not to show off my healing powers during the campaign - but last night The Lord said that he and Jesus agreed that in the interests of getting me elected as President, - I now had a green light to heal some lame Iowans."
"I told the Lord that most of the Iowans were lame - he said to choose a half dozen of the lamest"
"I hope no one will think I'm showing off, but since God and Jesus say it's the right thing to do - i just have to go along with their plan and hope for the best."
"I asked the Lord if it was okay for me to heal my very fucked up son - but he said not to waste my time and that i had fucked him up so bad he couldn't be saved"
"I get the feelin that God is a dog lover."
PS --And for those of you who have been too busy shopping for more shit you don't need -- Google it up and read all about David Hucklebee. Ole Huckleberry raised a real winner here.(a dog torturer and was recently caught with a handgun going through airport security)
Monday, December 17, 2007
Please dear Lord - Send Us A Sign - Destroy Iowa
Boy would i like to be a fly on the wall up in heaven watching the Lord's reaction to the horseshit flowing out of the mouths of America's newest Pilgrims - Mitt Romney and Mike Huckabee - as they bob and weave their way through the ignorant religious puke talk that serves as original thinking and constructive dialogue in this goober state - full of fundamentalist morons.
My God - it's like listening to a conversation between a bunch of fucking ignorant hillbillies. Yokels whose search for insight and clarity ended with their childhood indoctrination into a mindset of superstition and magic and miracles. They joined the circus as children and are still traveling with the two headed fat lady and the fire breathing dwarf on their way to Paradise with absolute certainty - in absolute ignorance.
Jesus Christ is probably saying to his daddy -- "Poppy - you let me be fucking crucified so these assholes could manipulate your message of love and salvation and charity into political soundbites ?"
"It's okay my sonny boy - Mitt's goin to hell in any case -and that fucking phony moron Huckleberry? -- I'm gonna have him spend eternity in the shower with Sodom"
Send us a sign Lord - Please - send a plague over Iowa!
My God - it's like listening to a conversation between a bunch of fucking ignorant hillbillies. Yokels whose search for insight and clarity ended with their childhood indoctrination into a mindset of superstition and magic and miracles. They joined the circus as children and are still traveling with the two headed fat lady and the fire breathing dwarf on their way to Paradise with absolute certainty - in absolute ignorance.
Jesus Christ is probably saying to his daddy -- "Poppy - you let me be fucking crucified so these assholes could manipulate your message of love and salvation and charity into political soundbites ?"
"It's okay my sonny boy - Mitt's goin to hell in any case -and that fucking phony moron Huckleberry? -- I'm gonna have him spend eternity in the shower with Sodom"
Send us a sign Lord - Please - send a plague over Iowa!
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Illegal Gang Guns For Gift Certificates - God Bless America
Yep - out in Compton California the gang bangers were getting really out of control so the local government in association with the local fuzz came up with a solution that will go down with the signing of the Magna Carta as a total breakthrough in the march of Civilization!
"Bring in your illegal gun and get a fifty dollar gift certificate to Home Depot" -- no questions asked, and if you think this is another of my deranged digital delusions, just google it up.
Guns are coming in like crazy - but these gang bangers are not stupid, so their turning in their shitty old "pieces" and keeping the Glocks and Kalishnakovs oiled and ready.
"You ain't getting my Glock motherfuckah -for no redneck gift certificate. And the only reason i turned in my grandaddy's flintlock is because i traded the gift certificate for five vials of crack;" said Lubama Meosha a local gang banger.
"Well - what would it take to get you to turn in your Glock?" i asked.
"Hmmm - i would say a big bag of heroine - a case of Colt 44 malt liquor and a blowjob (wit a woman)"
Well what the hell are we waiting for? - A solution to violent crime in America -- at last!"
"Bring in your illegal gun and get a fifty dollar gift certificate to Home Depot" -- no questions asked, and if you think this is another of my deranged digital delusions, just google it up.
Guns are coming in like crazy - but these gang bangers are not stupid, so their turning in their shitty old "pieces" and keeping the Glocks and Kalishnakovs oiled and ready.
"You ain't getting my Glock motherfuckah -for no redneck gift certificate. And the only reason i turned in my grandaddy's flintlock is because i traded the gift certificate for five vials of crack;" said Lubama Meosha a local gang banger.
"Well - what would it take to get you to turn in your Glock?" i asked.
"Hmmm - i would say a big bag of heroine - a case of Colt 44 malt liquor and a blowjob (wit a woman)"
Well what the hell are we waiting for? - A solution to violent crime in America -- at last!"
Friday, December 14, 2007
Rush Limbaugh Endorses Barak Obama - Says Jesus Made Him Do It!
"Nobody really cares about Oprah Winfrey endorsing a black candidate - Obama owns that vote out of the box and anyone with half a brain can see she has the hots for him - I'm sure she had an orgasm during the endorsement ceremony. (maybe two);" said Rush Limbaugh in his extraordinary statement of support for Obama.
Bandit political reporter Elise Muffkowitz asked Limbaugh for an explanation and he replied;"He just cracks me up - i mean the guy kills me - he has a great sense of humor and i love his wife and the fact that he has such an interesting background and that he was honest about being a druggy in college - and that he has no experience or creds that would prepare him for the job as we know it."
"But Mr. limbaugh",asked Elise, - " You hate democrats and also, basically, black people - dontcha?"
Rush replied. "C'mon Muffky, you don't really believe he's black do ya? -- and besides, i had an epiphany last week!"
He continued, "I was saying my nightly prayers and suddenly Jesus Christ appeared in front of me! At first i thought it was the Oxycotin or maybe Bill O'Reilly playing one of his practical jokes (like the time he brought a sheep into my kitchen and was fucking it when i came home) - but it WAS Jesus and he said...."
"Rush - you have done some important work for Pops and me, but this is your most important assignment -- we cannot allow that viscious cunt Hillary to be elected President - the only way to stop her is for you to bring all the rednecks over to Oblama - we know it's gonna hurt - but that's the way Pops want's it."
"Of Course my Lord! - Oh, and i think his name is Obama not Oblama" i replied to Jesus -and he said the following and disappeared in a cloud of dust - like the Lone Ranger"
"Don't nitpick with me Rush - Oblama -Oblamama - Obadama - none of them African names are in the Bible so who gives a shit?"
"Anyway -I'm for Obama and you all better be too!"
Bandit political reporter Elise Muffkowitz asked Limbaugh for an explanation and he replied;"He just cracks me up - i mean the guy kills me - he has a great sense of humor and i love his wife and the fact that he has such an interesting background and that he was honest about being a druggy in college - and that he has no experience or creds that would prepare him for the job as we know it."
"But Mr. limbaugh",asked Elise, - " You hate democrats and also, basically, black people - dontcha?"
Rush replied. "C'mon Muffky, you don't really believe he's black do ya? -- and besides, i had an epiphany last week!"
He continued, "I was saying my nightly prayers and suddenly Jesus Christ appeared in front of me! At first i thought it was the Oxycotin or maybe Bill O'Reilly playing one of his practical jokes (like the time he brought a sheep into my kitchen and was fucking it when i came home) - but it WAS Jesus and he said...."
"Rush - you have done some important work for Pops and me, but this is your most important assignment -- we cannot allow that viscious cunt Hillary to be elected President - the only way to stop her is for you to bring all the rednecks over to Oblama - we know it's gonna hurt - but that's the way Pops want's it."
"Of Course my Lord! - Oh, and i think his name is Obama not Oblama" i replied to Jesus -and he said the following and disappeared in a cloud of dust - like the Lone Ranger"
"Don't nitpick with me Rush - Oblama -Oblamama - Obadama - none of them African names are in the Bible so who gives a shit?"
"Anyway -I'm for Obama and you all better be too!"
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
America Cannot Have A president Named "MITT"!
I got to thinkin about the name --Mitt! - And why in the hell would anyone name their child Mitt? - In most neighborhoods if you are named Mitt you learn to become a polished street fighter very quickly ie. "Hey Mitt! - Somethin stinks! --Did you shit? --Mitt!" and then it's boom bam boom unless you grew up in "Mitt's" swanky neighborhood where most of the kids have verbs and nouns for first names - like 'Mitt's" son Tag whose best friend is probably named Lane.
"Now Mitt you make sure you put away the croquet equipment after you and Laney are finished" says Momma Romney - "And don't get your Gucci's all muddy because we have to get over to the club for dinner with Poppa Mitt."
I couldn't resist logging onto what'sinaname.com to get the full origin of "Mitt's" mittiness - and here it is for your enjoyment - oh you better have a puke bowl handy because it's not very pretty!
"Then there's the former governor of Massachusetts and current Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. The humorist Roy Blount Jr. says every time he hears "Mitt Romney" he thinks it's a German konditorei order, like "mit schlag." Me, I can't help thinking "Mitt" is an abbreviation for "Mittens." Like Ralph Wiggum's cat. Mr. Romney's given name is Willard Milton--again, not a name likely to win points on playgrounds. (For the record, the double name honors a relative, Milton Romney, and the hotel magnate and fellow Mormon J. Willard Marriott, Mitt's father's best friend.) So why not "Will"? Or even "Milt"? Why the inevitable association with fingerless hand coverings? And why, oh why, are the sins of the grandfather visited on the grandson? Why did Mitt name one of his five sons Tagg? Because he's It?"
Now - having read this - if you can still consider voting for this fagot - i would suggest shaving your ass and walking backwards -- hand in hand with your wife and kids - Biffy Buffy and Muffy = off a fucking cliff onto some rocks into the ocean near your seaside vacation home.
"Now Mitt you make sure you put away the croquet equipment after you and Laney are finished" says Momma Romney - "And don't get your Gucci's all muddy because we have to get over to the club for dinner with Poppa Mitt."
I couldn't resist logging onto what'sinaname.com to get the full origin of "Mitt's" mittiness - and here it is for your enjoyment - oh you better have a puke bowl handy because it's not very pretty!
"Then there's the former governor of Massachusetts and current Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney. The humorist Roy Blount Jr. says every time he hears "Mitt Romney" he thinks it's a German konditorei order, like "mit schlag." Me, I can't help thinking "Mitt" is an abbreviation for "Mittens." Like Ralph Wiggum's cat. Mr. Romney's given name is Willard Milton--again, not a name likely to win points on playgrounds. (For the record, the double name honors a relative, Milton Romney, and the hotel magnate and fellow Mormon J. Willard Marriott, Mitt's father's best friend.) So why not "Will"? Or even "Milt"? Why the inevitable association with fingerless hand coverings? And why, oh why, are the sins of the grandfather visited on the grandson? Why did Mitt name one of his five sons Tagg? Because he's It?"
Now - having read this - if you can still consider voting for this fagot - i would suggest shaving your ass and walking backwards -- hand in hand with your wife and kids - Biffy Buffy and Muffy = off a fucking cliff onto some rocks into the ocean near your seaside vacation home.
Clarence "Porno" Thomas Does It Again
So guess who was one of the two Supremo Court Justices to vote against allowing judges to use their discretion, regarding the federal minimum sentencing guidelines when ruling on crack cocaine sentences (which have been set as one-hundred times the penalties for powdered cocaine).
This draconian law has resulted in thousands of young black, non violent first offenders being locked up for long prison terms for the same crimes that allow mostly white "suburban sniffers" to get off with probation.
Clarence Thomas' rulings have done more damage to the social progress of black Americans than any "Jim Crow" redneck - it's a fucking shame that this bum squeaked through the nominating process by one lousy vote and wound up in a lifetime position to act out his pathology against his own people. (His warped social and emotional development have been extensively documented on this blog)
I hope every member of the Senate judiciary committee who voted for his nomination dies and comes back as a crack addict - in the meantime it's time to start a movement for continuing mass protests against Thomas - we can't fire him but we can sure sit outside his home and office with our signs "Hey Clarence - What porno Tape You Watchin Tonight?"
And i know professor Anita Hill will be marching right along with us.
This draconian law has resulted in thousands of young black, non violent first offenders being locked up for long prison terms for the same crimes that allow mostly white "suburban sniffers" to get off with probation.
Clarence Thomas' rulings have done more damage to the social progress of black Americans than any "Jim Crow" redneck - it's a fucking shame that this bum squeaked through the nominating process by one lousy vote and wound up in a lifetime position to act out his pathology against his own people. (His warped social and emotional development have been extensively documented on this blog)
I hope every member of the Senate judiciary committee who voted for his nomination dies and comes back as a crack addict - in the meantime it's time to start a movement for continuing mass protests against Thomas - we can't fire him but we can sure sit outside his home and office with our signs "Hey Clarence - What porno Tape You Watchin Tonight?"
And i know professor Anita Hill will be marching right along with us.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Everything You Need To Know About Muslim Justice
By AYAAN HIRSI ALI
Published: December 7, 2007
The woman and the man guilty of adultery or fornication, flog each of them with 100 stripes: Let no compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if you believe in Allah and the Last Day. (Koran 24:2)
IN the last few weeks, in three widely publicized episodes, we have seen Islamic justice enacted in ways that should make Muslim moderates rise up in horror.
A 20-year-old woman from Qatif, Saudi Arabia, reported that she had been abducted by several men and repeatedly raped. But judges found the victim herself to be guilty. Her crime is called “mingling”: when she was abducted, she was in a car with a man not related to her by blood or marriage, and in Saudi Arabia, that is illegal. Last month, she was sentenced to six months in prison and 200 lashes with a bamboo cane.
Two hundred lashes are enough to kill a strong man. Women usually receive no more than 30 lashes at a time, which means that for seven weeks the “girl from Qatif,” as she’s usually described in news articles, will dread her next session with Islamic justice. When she is released, her life will certainly never return to normal: already there have been reports that her brother has tried to kill her because her “crime” has tarnished her family’s honor.
We also saw Islamic justice in action in Sudan, when a 54-year-old British teacher named Gillian Gibbons was sentenced to 15 days in jail before the government pardoned her this week; she could have faced 40 lashes. When she began a reading project with her class involving a teddy bear, Ms. Gibbons suggested the children choose a name for it. They chose Muhammad; she let them do it. This was deemed to be blasphemy.
Then there’s Taslima Nasreen, the 45-year-old Bangladeshi writer who bravely defends women’s rights in the Muslim world. Forced to flee Bangladesh, she has been living in India. But Muslim groups there want her expelled, and one has offered 500,000 rupees for her head. In August she was assaulted by Muslim militants in Hyderabad, and in recent weeks she has had to leave Calcutta and then Rajasthan. Taslima Nasreen’s visa expires next year, and she fears she will not be allowed to live in India again.
It is often said that Islam has been “hijacked” by a small extremist group of radical fundamentalists. The vast majority of Muslims are said to be moderates.
But where are the moderates? Where are the Muslim voices raised over the terrible injustice of incidents like these? How many Muslims are willing to stand up and say, in the case of the girl from Qatif, that this manner of justice is appalling, brutal and bigoted — and that no matter who said it was the right thing to do, and how long ago it was said, this should no longer be done?
Usually, Muslim groups like the Organization of the Islamic Conference are quick to defend any affront to the image of Islam. The organization, which represents 57 Muslim states, sent four ambassadors to the leader of my political party in the Netherlands asking him to expel me from Parliament after I gave a newspaper interview in 2003 noting that by Western standards some of the Prophet Muhammad’s behavior would be unconscionable. A few years later, Muslim ambassadors to Denmark protested the cartoons of Muhammad and demanded that their perpetrators be prosecuted.
But while the incidents in Saudi Arabia, Sudan and India have done more to damage the image of Islamic justice than a dozen cartoons depicting the Prophet Muhammad, the organizations that lined up to protest the hideous Danish offense to Islam are quiet now.
I wish there were more Islamic moderates. For example, I would welcome some guidance from that famous Muslim theologian of moderation, Tariq Ramadan. But when there is true suffering, real cruelty in the name of Islam, we hear, first, denial from all these organizations that are so concerned about Islam’s image. We hear that violence is not in the Koran, that Islam means peace, that this is a hijacking by extremists and a smear campaign and so on. But the evidence mounts up.
Islamic justice is a proud institution, one to which more than a billion people subscribe, at least in theory, and in the heart of the Islamic world it is the law of the land. But take a look at the verse above: more compelling even than the order to flog adulterers is the command that the believer show no compassion. It is this order to choose Allah above his sense of conscience and compassion that imprisons the Muslim in a mindset that is archaic and extreme.
If moderate Muslims believe there should be no compassion shown to the girl from Qatif, then what exactly makes them so moderate?
When a “moderate” Muslim’s sense of compassion and conscience collides with matters prescribed by Allah, he should choose compassion. Unless that happens much more widely, a moderate Islam will remain wishful thinking.
Ayaan Hirsi Ali, a former member of the Dutch Parliament and a resident scholar at the American Enterprise Institute, is the author of “Infidel.”
Thursday, December 06, 2007
Visa Announces Shop Only - "Shop Till You Drop" Card
Want to get that "shopper's high" without actually spending a dime?
Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?
Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?
Well with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks (and you can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars credits for about three hundred dollars) with high interest easy credit terms of course.
So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.
And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and even wrap and put them under the tree if you like. (and then you get another "fix" for free when you open them.)
And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Nelson's "Shopped" us for our housewarming (your friend unwraps and reads the gift description ) - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".
And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!
Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!
Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?
Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your 'Junk" like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?
Well with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks (and you can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars credits for about three hundred dollars) with high interest easy credit terms of course.
So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" anyway.
And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and even wrap and put them under the tree if you like. (and then you get another "fix" for free when you open them.)
And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what the Nelson's "Shopped" us for our housewarming (your friend unwraps and reads the gift description ) - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".
And the whole nature of consumerism will change - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering!
Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!
Monday, December 03, 2007
The World's Women Need A "Thelma and Louse" Reaction
In Saudi Arabia, a woman who was gang-raped was sentenced to 90 lashes. The reason? Before the rape, the woman, who was then 19, had been in a car with a man who was not a family member — a crime under the kingdom’s legal code, which is based on a strict Wahabi reading of Islamic law. Punishing the victim of a brutal rape is reprehensible. Then a Saudi appeals court more than doubled her lashings to 200 and added six months’ jail time, apparently because she had the audacity to publicly challenge the court’s ruling. Her lawyer had his license to practice suspended.
Any woman who is not sufficiently outraged to start a world wide revolution over the way most Muslim's treat women -- should immediately have her tubes tied!
Boycotts -- political activism -- withholding pussy favors from men and even male castration are what may be necessary to stop the oppression of tens of millions of totally innocent and vulnerable women from these sick fucks who go to the Mosque four times a day and then come home and kick their wives around in front of their children.
Look - the world's men aren't doing (and won't do) shit to help you! They're out fucking younger women and drinking in sports bars and would rather be hunting and fishing and even working - than getting involved in stopping women from getting lashed in Saudi Arabia.
Hell - it's not long ago that they were burning scarlett letters onto womens tits for crimes that they commited with young boys before breakfast every day - and if it wasn't for some really brave sisters you still wouldn't have suffrage ( let alone the pill and a job).
So until you turn up the heat - use your bigger brains and stronger wills and turn into a world wide army of "Thelma and Louise's" -- poor pathetic gals like that one in Saudi Arabia are going to keep getting ruined by subhuman male scumbags.
Go get em -- here's a rallying cry "No Support - No Vote and No Pussy"
Any woman who is not sufficiently outraged to start a world wide revolution over the way most Muslim's treat women -- should immediately have her tubes tied!
Boycotts -- political activism -- withholding pussy favors from men and even male castration are what may be necessary to stop the oppression of tens of millions of totally innocent and vulnerable women from these sick fucks who go to the Mosque four times a day and then come home and kick their wives around in front of their children.
Look - the world's men aren't doing (and won't do) shit to help you! They're out fucking younger women and drinking in sports bars and would rather be hunting and fishing and even working - than getting involved in stopping women from getting lashed in Saudi Arabia.
Hell - it's not long ago that they were burning scarlett letters onto womens tits for crimes that they commited with young boys before breakfast every day - and if it wasn't for some really brave sisters you still wouldn't have suffrage ( let alone the pill and a job).
So until you turn up the heat - use your bigger brains and stronger wills and turn into a world wide army of "Thelma and Louise's" -- poor pathetic gals like that one in Saudi Arabia are going to keep getting ruined by subhuman male scumbags.
Go get em -- here's a rallying cry "No Support - No Vote and No Pussy"
Sunday, December 02, 2007
Bill Richardson Just Loves To Kill Animals
Yep -this cherubic presidential candidate who likes to come across as an avuncular mix of Will Rogers and Mark Twain, when he's in a national TV debate -- just loves to tell his downhome redneck audiences that he is the only presidential candidate who loves to hunt and is a card carrying member of the NRA.
He's your chubby uncle Billie when he's on the national stage -- but out there in shit-for brains-land he reverts to his gun totin animal killin nature.
I was hoping that some pimply faced You Tuber would have asked him; "Hey Bill - why do you get so stoked on shooting some beautiful wild creature with a high powered rifle -- clearly you haven't missed any meals lately - is it that short dick complex thing?"
Well, i can think of a lot of things that the world could use right now -- but another asshole who likes to sit in his den oiling up his Winchester whilst dreaming of a high caliber slug ripping it's way into some animal nibbling on some berries - ain't one of them.
Actually -- i would like to see Bill Richardson's asshole impaled on the horns of an Antelope out there in New Mexico - where God willing he will remain.
He's your chubby uncle Billie when he's on the national stage -- but out there in shit-for brains-land he reverts to his gun totin animal killin nature.
I was hoping that some pimply faced You Tuber would have asked him; "Hey Bill - why do you get so stoked on shooting some beautiful wild creature with a high powered rifle -- clearly you haven't missed any meals lately - is it that short dick complex thing?"
Well, i can think of a lot of things that the world could use right now -- but another asshole who likes to sit in his den oiling up his Winchester whilst dreaming of a high caliber slug ripping it's way into some animal nibbling on some berries - ain't one of them.
Actually -- i would like to see Bill Richardson's asshole impaled on the horns of an Antelope out there in New Mexico - where God willing he will remain.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Muhammad Is NO Teddy Bear!
KHARTOUM, Sudan - Thousands of Sudanese, many armed with clubs and knives, rallied Friday in a central square and demanded the execution of a British teacher convicted of insulting Islam for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad."
Now - nothing could more vividly demonstrate what the Civilized world is up against more than this frightening demonstration of Religious faith gone totally wacko!
Illiterate angry masses of exploited human animals brought to a frenzy of hatred by psycho religious leaders is business as usual in the history of the human ape . The problem now, however, is that instead of stones they have modern weapons including weapons of mass destruction.
Now you don't see any riots in Sudan over Dar fur where cutting off a child's arms is what you do before lunch and then you go out and burn a village and torture and rape some folks and then take a long nap.
These folks are very faithful though. They are so faithful that ninety percent of them can't read or write so they don't even know what the Koran means - they just chant away and listen to their Mullahs demented interpretations of it. They would believe Mohammad WAS a Teddy Bear if that's what they were told -- and then they would try to hack you to death for calling him a "Great Spiritual Leader"
All the Imams would have to scream is"Kill the infidel! -she called Mohammad a great spiritual leader! --Cut out her pussy and drag it through the streets ! --let the children see the torn pussy of the Infidel who called Mohammad "A Great Spiritual Leader".
Well at least it's all very clear now (in case it wasn't before) -in America we buy Teddy Bears for our kids for Christmas -- but the Muslims would cut out your intestines at the thought that someone could portray Mohammad as cute and adorable and fuzzy.
Can you imagine, even one of Christianity's major wackos, like John Hagee, screaming; "Kill all the Jews - Moyshe Pipick, an orthodox Rabbi had a stuffed Sea Otter named Jesus in his Talmud class."
And then the Christians taking to the streets like animals with torches and pitch forks hunting down and killing Jews? -- Heck, they stopped doing that sixty years ago.
Why doesn't some smart toy maker come out with next years hot item for Ramadan? -- An ignorant vicious Muslim moron doll with a suicide belt - and with a sword and a Barbie with a detachable head for the kids to practice cutting off.
I only want ten percent for this great marketing concept -- Sent to my bank care of Sal man Rushdie.
Oh -and I'm gonna have to switch,sadly, to Rudy for president - one good wacko deserves another.
Now - nothing could more vividly demonstrate what the Civilized world is up against more than this frightening demonstration of Religious faith gone totally wacko!
Illiterate angry masses of exploited human animals brought to a frenzy of hatred by psycho religious leaders is business as usual in the history of the human ape . The problem now, however, is that instead of stones they have modern weapons including weapons of mass destruction.
Now you don't see any riots in Sudan over Dar fur where cutting off a child's arms is what you do before lunch and then you go out and burn a village and torture and rape some folks and then take a long nap.
These folks are very faithful though. They are so faithful that ninety percent of them can't read or write so they don't even know what the Koran means - they just chant away and listen to their Mullahs demented interpretations of it. They would believe Mohammad WAS a Teddy Bear if that's what they were told -- and then they would try to hack you to death for calling him a "Great Spiritual Leader"
All the Imams would have to scream is"Kill the infidel! -she called Mohammad a great spiritual leader! --Cut out her pussy and drag it through the streets ! --let the children see the torn pussy of the Infidel who called Mohammad "A Great Spiritual Leader".
Well at least it's all very clear now (in case it wasn't before) -in America we buy Teddy Bears for our kids for Christmas -- but the Muslims would cut out your intestines at the thought that someone could portray Mohammad as cute and adorable and fuzzy.
Can you imagine, even one of Christianity's major wackos, like John Hagee, screaming; "Kill all the Jews - Moyshe Pipick, an orthodox Rabbi had a stuffed Sea Otter named Jesus in his Talmud class."
And then the Christians taking to the streets like animals with torches and pitch forks hunting down and killing Jews? -- Heck, they stopped doing that sixty years ago.
Why doesn't some smart toy maker come out with next years hot item for Ramadan? -- An ignorant vicious Muslim moron doll with a suicide belt - and with a sword and a Barbie with a detachable head for the kids to practice cutting off.
I only want ten percent for this great marketing concept -- Sent to my bank care of Sal man Rushdie.
Oh -and I'm gonna have to switch,sadly, to Rudy for president - one good wacko deserves another.
Britney Spears Endorses Mitt Romney "The Mormon Moose" For President
Britney Spears has finally made her long awaited decision about who she thinks should become president and has announced her support for Republican candidate (and Mormon) -- Mitt Romney (former governor of Massachusetts).
"This was a very difficult decision for me", said Britney, as she lounged by her pool in Miami waiting for her plastic surgeon to arrive and repair her right nipple which had fallen off overnight (the result of twelve breast implants).
"The Moron -oops Mormon thing worried me at first but when i found out that they believe in having many wives (at the same time) i figured that they must really know how to take care of a woman -- and i need a lot of care."
"Also - he's such a stud puppy -so tall and handsome and still has got that 'daddy spank me' thing going for him --and now that he's against abortions i really am convinced he's the one because i've had twenty eight abortions now and believe you me that gets real old after a while."
She continued,"Also, i think it's sooo cool that he puts his dog in a cage on the top of his car when his family goes on a trip. My mom and dad used to tie me to the roof of the car when i was little,whenever we went on a road trip -- and sometimes they would even leave me out overnight --it was sooo cool --and made me feel soooo secure."
"I'm kinda disappointed that i couldn't get Michael (Jackson) to come out for Mitt but ever since he saw Rudy Giuliani in a dress on SNL he just loves Rudy - although he thinks his wife is a real cunt, so maybe i can turn him around."(oops a pun)
"Well -anyhow - i plan on working real hard for Mitt - and hope maybe he'll get a little hard for me - haha -- he sure is a tall sexy hunk --i bet he's hung like a Moose -- ha ha --a Mormon Moose!"
Stay tuned for more of the bandit's celebrity endorsements -- because every vote counts!
"This was a very difficult decision for me", said Britney, as she lounged by her pool in Miami waiting for her plastic surgeon to arrive and repair her right nipple which had fallen off overnight (the result of twelve breast implants).
"The Moron -oops Mormon thing worried me at first but when i found out that they believe in having many wives (at the same time) i figured that they must really know how to take care of a woman -- and i need a lot of care."
"Also - he's such a stud puppy -so tall and handsome and still has got that 'daddy spank me' thing going for him --and now that he's against abortions i really am convinced he's the one because i've had twenty eight abortions now and believe you me that gets real old after a while."
She continued,"Also, i think it's sooo cool that he puts his dog in a cage on the top of his car when his family goes on a trip. My mom and dad used to tie me to the roof of the car when i was little,whenever we went on a road trip -- and sometimes they would even leave me out overnight --it was sooo cool --and made me feel soooo secure."
"I'm kinda disappointed that i couldn't get Michael (Jackson) to come out for Mitt but ever since he saw Rudy Giuliani in a dress on SNL he just loves Rudy - although he thinks his wife is a real cunt, so maybe i can turn him around."(oops a pun)
"Well -anyhow - i plan on working real hard for Mitt - and hope maybe he'll get a little hard for me - haha -- he sure is a tall sexy hunk --i bet he's hung like a Moose -- ha ha --a Mormon Moose!"
Stay tuned for more of the bandit's celebrity endorsements -- because every vote counts!
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Answer These Questions If You've Got The Grapes
"Asking the important questions — not
So CNN chose which questions would be asked in the Republican debate last night. And guess what: not one question about health care, the central domestic issue for this election.
They did, however, include a question about putting a man on Mars"
So said the NYTimes -- So i guess I'll just have to submit another list of the Digibandit's key questions -and judging from your reactions to my prior blog on this subject -- i really struck a chord with my tens of thousands of loyal and bright readers -- so here's round two:
What is the most critical issue that you have ever changed your mind about after careful deliberation? (elaborate)
If you found your adult son or daughter performing oral sex on a minor what would you do?
If you were assassinated during your Presidency would you want your wife to remarry?
Have you ever been intimate with a minority (including a Jew)?
Do you believe that killing over two-hundred thousand Iraqi civilians and displacing four million was justified in a moral, means /ends equation?
How many times in the past month did you have sex (from all sources)?
Do you think that Allah is on an equally Godly footing with Yaweh? (Buddha? - Krishna? -- The Tooth Fairy?)
What is your favorite charity?
If your wife or daughter were gang raped by Hasidic Jews would you allow them to have an abortion? (by Blacks? - Hispanics?)
Do you believe that vibrators can be an effective source of sexual stimulation? (does the Mrs. indulge?)
Has a minority ever been a guest in your home (who and when?)
Have you ever killed a wild animal? (why?)
Are any of your children taking prescription anti-depressants?
Do you believe that Ahmadinejad is a normal human being? (Hugo Chavez?)
More to come!
So CNN chose which questions would be asked in the Republican debate last night. And guess what: not one question about health care, the central domestic issue for this election.
They did, however, include a question about putting a man on Mars"
So said the NYTimes -- So i guess I'll just have to submit another list of the Digibandit's key questions -and judging from your reactions to my prior blog on this subject -- i really struck a chord with my tens of thousands of loyal and bright readers -- so here's round two:
What is the most critical issue that you have ever changed your mind about after careful deliberation? (elaborate)
If you found your adult son or daughter performing oral sex on a minor what would you do?
If you were assassinated during your Presidency would you want your wife to remarry?
Have you ever been intimate with a minority (including a Jew)?
Do you believe that killing over two-hundred thousand Iraqi civilians and displacing four million was justified in a moral, means /ends equation?
How many times in the past month did you have sex (from all sources)?
Do you think that Allah is on an equally Godly footing with Yaweh? (Buddha? - Krishna? -- The Tooth Fairy?)
What is your favorite charity?
If your wife or daughter were gang raped by Hasidic Jews would you allow them to have an abortion? (by Blacks? - Hispanics?)
Do you believe that vibrators can be an effective source of sexual stimulation? (does the Mrs. indulge?)
Has a minority ever been a guest in your home (who and when?)
Have you ever killed a wild animal? (why?)
Are any of your children taking prescription anti-depressants?
Do you believe that Ahmadinejad is a normal human being? (Hugo Chavez?)
More to come!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Now -How About Bush Taking Off HIS Uniform - Before It's Too Late
Will someone -- anyone -- tell me why the President of the United States is also the Commander In Chief of the armed forces?
"It's because you gotta have someone at the top who is not part of the Military establishment and someone who has the final say in an emergency" says my fucking idiot brother.
Let me get this straight -- the shit really hits the fan - like George Bush gets a call from some General (think Sterling Hayden in "Dr. Strangelove") -- "Hello Mr. President -we have confirmed satellite reports that Russia has just started fueling it's new MIR SS19 nuclear missiles --could you please toddle over to the war Room?"
Now i can think of a few scenarios i might prefer to empowering a guy with zero knowledge (i mean zero) of military strategy -who gets his best advice from the son of God who resides in heaven -who was formerly on Earth - and who takes a personal interest in his welfare- and will now maybe whisper in his ear "Go destroy civilization - better hurry - and we'll worry about it later."
One alternative might be a standing group of tough - smart - balanced individuals -- pre evaluated and selected and ordained by the Democratic process (with all the evaluation tools brought to bear in the selection process commensurate with the awesome responsibility being delegated) - with the power to evaluate such a crisis in an immediate time frame -- and empowered to act!
Or would you prefer George Bush down on his knees in the White House Chapel --rosary in hand -staring up at a wooden idol - crying "Oh thank you Lord Jesus --thank you so much - i look forward to seeing you in Heaven within the next couple of hours --Laura and the kids say hi -- and yes I'll tell the Jews to convert right away so they won't all be sent to hell with the Russians -- yes --I'll tell John Hagee right away -- oh thank you so much Jesus - oh and hey what's the weather like up there?"
Well -- you get the idea -and if you think it can't happen i would suggest you just keep on shopping right until the end --one more swipe of your last credit card before the you head for the big shopping mall in the sky --Merry Christmas -- adios!
"It's because you gotta have someone at the top who is not part of the Military establishment and someone who has the final say in an emergency" says my fucking idiot brother.
Let me get this straight -- the shit really hits the fan - like George Bush gets a call from some General (think Sterling Hayden in "Dr. Strangelove") -- "Hello Mr. President -we have confirmed satellite reports that Russia has just started fueling it's new MIR SS19 nuclear missiles --could you please toddle over to the war Room?"
Now i can think of a few scenarios i might prefer to empowering a guy with zero knowledge (i mean zero) of military strategy -who gets his best advice from the son of God who resides in heaven -who was formerly on Earth - and who takes a personal interest in his welfare- and will now maybe whisper in his ear "Go destroy civilization - better hurry - and we'll worry about it later."
One alternative might be a standing group of tough - smart - balanced individuals -- pre evaluated and selected and ordained by the Democratic process (with all the evaluation tools brought to bear in the selection process commensurate with the awesome responsibility being delegated) - with the power to evaluate such a crisis in an immediate time frame -- and empowered to act!
Or would you prefer George Bush down on his knees in the White House Chapel --rosary in hand -staring up at a wooden idol - crying "Oh thank you Lord Jesus --thank you so much - i look forward to seeing you in Heaven within the next couple of hours --Laura and the kids say hi -- and yes I'll tell the Jews to convert right away so they won't all be sent to hell with the Russians -- yes --I'll tell John Hagee right away -- oh thank you so much Jesus - oh and hey what's the weather like up there?"
Well -- you get the idea -and if you think it can't happen i would suggest you just keep on shopping right until the end --one more swipe of your last credit card before the you head for the big shopping mall in the sky --Merry Christmas -- adios!
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