Jesus Spends ANOTHER Easter with Anna Nicole Smith

Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.

Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"

"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and maybe Paris Hilton --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."

He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."

NRA Calls For Arming White Students Only

Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those (white only) students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"

He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."

Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."

"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.

Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).

And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?

Fox Unreal TV Launches With Six Killer Series

New original series from new "Fox Unreal TV Channel":

• : Christians Gone Bad serves up stories of former devoted Fundamentalists who become Hasidic Jews and kill and torture Altar boys.
• 'Til Death Do Polacks Part explores stories of  Polish divorce that end in murder led by psychotherapist and relationship expert, Dr. Hanns  Chryszxlmnsnsky and forensic psychologist and attorney, Dr.Igor Moronowsky .
• Wives With Knives showcases stories of women who fought back and cut of the dicks and balls of their husbands - motivated by years of abuse or by greed and jealousy.
• Pretty Bad Amish Girls is a true-crime series profiling sexy female Amish woman who cheat, steal and kill and have sex with barn animals.
• Cold Venereal Disease Cases  delves into unsolved homicide cases caused by venereal disease as they are reopened.
• Dangerous Hasidick Jews (wt) relates true tales of religious Jews who were manipulated into committing horrible sex crimes by shiksas.
• Who The Fuck Is That...  is a spin-off of the network's series Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?  with this new series going deeper into relationships between friends, co-workers, family members and more telling the truth about people leading double lives and killing and eating their neighbors and children.
• Homo Murder In Paradise  follows the stories of happy homo couples whose vacations in paradise end in violence and then Homo lynchings by the locals. 

Oprah offers new Game Show 'Are You Totally FUpp America"

ARE YOU Totally F Upped, AMERICA? From Harpo Studios comes the new game show “Are You Fucked Up, America?,” hosted by veteran TV producer Barry Poznick (“Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader”) and comedienne/actress Kim Coles (“Living Single”).  

Have you ever peeked at your boyfriend’s emails? Or done your household chores naked? Do you and your spouse sleep in separate bedrooms? Do you fart when you reach orgasm?Do you talk to your Dildo? Do you fantasize about sex with your Dog? Do you hate your husband's Dick shape?  Do you hate your wife's bushy bush? Is oral sex standing up your thing? Is anal sex preferrable to primary hole entry?

This lively game show will answer burning questions by using a highly scientific and deeply revealing poll, in addition to a “jury” of real Americans, man-on-the-street polling, real life situations shot in the field, and in-studio demonstrations.  Each episode will feature contestants who will win big money in their quest to learn if they’re fucked up or not.  Produced by Harpo Studios with Zoo Productions. Executive producers are Jill Van Lokeren and Jon Sinclair from Harpo Studios, as well as Barry Poznick and John Stevens from Zoo Productions (producers of “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?” and his latest production:

"Is a Black Teenager Smarter Than an African Grey Parrot?" -Coming soon from Fox Tv.

Top 100 Celebrities Who Will Have Oral and/or Anal Sex on Easter

1. Tom Cruise
2. Rolling Stones
3. Oprah Winfrey
4. U2
5. Tiger Woods
6. Steven Spielberg
7. Howard Stern
8. 50 Cent
9. Cast of The Sopranos
10. Dan Brown
11. Bruce Springsteen
12. Donald Trump
13. Muhammad Ali
14. Paul McCartney
15. George Lucas
16. Elton John
17. David Letterman
18. Phil Mickelson
19. J.K. Rowling
20. Brad Pitt
21. Peter Jackson
22. Dr. Phil McGraw
23. Jay Leno
24. Celine Dion
25. Kobe Bryant
26. Michael Jordan
27. Johnny Depp
28. Jerry Seinfeld
29. Simon Cowell
30. Michael Schumacher
31. Tom Hanks
32. Rush Limbaugh
33. Denzel Washington
34. Cast of Desperate
Housewives
35. Jennifer Aniston
35. Angelina Jolie
37. The Olsen Twins
38. Nicole Kidman
39. The Eagles
40. Rod Stewart
41. Shaquille O'Neal
42. Jerry Bruckheimer
43. David Beckham
44. Jessica Simpson
45. Andrew Lloyd Webber
46. LeBron James
47. Neil Diamond
48. Alex Rodriguez
49. Will Smith
50. Dick Wolf
51. Dave Matthews Band
52. Tom Brady
53. Ronaldinho
54. Jodie Foster
55. Ray Romano
56. Paris Hilton
57. Adam Sandler
58. Derek Jeter
59. Jennifer Lopez
60. Rick Warren
61. Scarlett Johansson
62. Katie Couric
63. Maria Sharapova
64. Valentino Rossi
65. Halle Berry
66. James Patterson
67. Leonardo DiCaprio
68. Kiefer Sutherland
69. Jim Carrey
70. Cameron Diaz
71. Gisele Bundchen
72. Renee Zellweger
73. Carson Palmer
74. Michelle Wie
75. Reese Witherspoon
76. Bill O'Reilly
77. Kate Moss
78. Diane Sawyer
79. Sean (Diddy) Combs
80. John Grisham
81. Rachael Ray
82. Dave Chappelle
83. Larry the Cable Guy
84. Tyra Banks
85. George Lopez
86. Regis Philbin
87. Serena Williams
88. Ryan Seacrest
89. Wolfgang Puck
90. Venus Williams
91. Annika Sorenstam
92. Matthew Broderick/
Nathan Lane
93. Mel Brooks
94. Emeril Lagasse
95. Nicole Richie
96. Heidi Klum
97. Mario Batali
98. Eric Idle/
Mike Nichols
99. Adriana Lima
100. Ty Pennington

DC Cop Could Now Look Up Clarence Thomas' AssHole

According to opinions in the lower courts, people may be strip-searched after arrests for violating a leash law, driving without a license and failing to pay child support. Citing examples from briefs submitted to the Supreme Court in opposition, Justice Breyer wrote that people have been subjected to “the humiliation of a visual strip-search” after being arrested for driving with a noisy muffler, failing to use a turn signal and riding a bicycle without an audible bell.

A nun was strip-searched, he wrote, after an arrest for trespassing during an antiwar demonstration.  AND NOW with it's ruling yesterday:

Supreme Court Ruling Allows Strip-Searches for Any Arrest

By ADAM LIPTAK

Published: April 2, 2012

• 

WASHINGTON — The Supreme Courton Monday ruled by a 5-to-4 vote that officials may strip-search people arrested for any offense, however minor, before admitting them to jails even if the officials have no reason to suspect the presence of contraband.

  SOOOOOOO  NOW   -  If Justice Thomas is pulled over for a say -  failing to signal - some guard in The DC Jail will be saying to the biggest asshole who ever sat on The Supreme Court "Now move your balls to the right so i can see up your black asshole mfuckah"

And THAT is what i call JUSTICE!

Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists

The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "

General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .

"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."

Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."

President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"

Seniors -Unemployed and prisoners Required to Generate Energy

A new energy proposal initiated by Republicans and included in the latest "Ryan" Budget just approved in the House  --  would require all senior citizens on medicare  - all people on medicaide or on welfare or unemployment insurance - and all federal prisoners - to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills which would be installed by Haliburton.

"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general." said Newt Gingrich.

The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" in nursing homes where the elderly could Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap) in cases where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.

President Obama called the plan "shocking".

Southern Anthem "Dixie" to become "Dickhead" and "Dicksy"

Dixie” was the South’s anthem, and will most likely remain so for generations.  -There is a movement in The US Senate to rename it "Dicksy" or "Dickhead" which would be more appropriate to the fucking rednecks still living there and holding up social progress as usual.  -Sing along and see if you like the changes:

I Wish I was in de land ob cotton,
Old times dar am not forgotten
Look away! look away! look away! Dicksy Land.
In  Dickhead Land whar I was born in,
Early on one frosty mornin’,
Look away! look away! look away! Dickhead Land.

Den I wish I was in Dicksy,
Hooray! hooray!
In Dickhead Land I’ll take my stand,
To lib and die in Dicksy,
Away, away, away down south in Dicksy,
Away, away, away down south in Dickhead Land.

quite an improvement dontcha think

" Black Gun" Owners Have Penile Dysfunction

Heard about the latest fad among the sickest people in America -- " The Gun Worshipers." --- It's "black guns."

These killing machines are the weapon of choice of drug traffickers, violent youth gangs and the seriously deranged bent on revenge through mass murder,” Senator Charles E. Schumer, then a House member from New York who was one of the champions of a bill to regulate them.He said in April 1994. “They have no place in our society.”

Demand for black rifles, meanwhile, began to grow. A new generation of hunters, many of whom had fired M-16s in the military, adopted them for shooting predators on rural property and stalking small game. The .223-caliber ammunition they used was inexpensive and easily found. The guns began to get a reputation for being durable despite their light weight; they also loaded automatically (unlike bolt-action hunting rifles) and their recoil was gentle enough for even novice shooters and children to withstand. Once the AR-15 was deemed accurate enough for use in high-powered rifle competitions, it soon became standard issue for target shooters.

“These guns are everywhere,” Ted Nugent, the ex rock star and hunter/ gun fanatick who explained excitedly in a recent phone interview. “I personally don’t know anybody who doesn’t have two in his truck.”

Ted's girlfriend Myra Womper said, "Ted can't get it up, and when he occasionally does,you need reading glasses to see it."

These maniacs favorite read is "Outdoor Magazine". -- It should be called "Outdoor Slaughter."

"Studsy The Queer Bull" First Animated Film for Gay Children

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks announced; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film for gay Children !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a MALE Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a humanoid version of Studsy

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull corn holing every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero

Don't Want To Pay For health care - See a Fucking Witch Doctor

While all the morons are rallying agains against requiring folks to at least chip in a little in paying for their freeby health care -which we other folks have to pay for - just remember:


"Justice Department lawyers responded that a choice not to obtain health insurance was itself an active decision that, taken in the aggregate, shifted the cost of caring for the uninsured to hospitals, governments and privately insured individuals." NY Times today

So it's simple! -You break a leg or get the flu?

Go to a fucking witch doctor! -UNLESS -you can prove you have No assets -and that includes Cable TV and any brand of premium toilet paper and oh cigarettes?

Kiss my ass! -Why should we responsible folks ante up when you won't even contribute the token amount essential to support a Health Care system that works for needy kids and poor old folks. - et al.

Santorum's Moral Conservatism Comes From Farts - Study Shows

Researchers found that interviewees on Stanford’s campus offered harsher, more moralistic views after “fart spray” had been released in the area.

At Cornell University, students answered questions in more conservative ways when they were simply near a hand sanitizer station.

How, and for whom, does disgust influence moral judgment? In 4 experiments participants made moral judgments while experiencing extraneous feelings of disgust. Disgust was induced in Experiment 1 by exposure to a bad smell, in Experiment 2 by working in a disgusting room, in Experiment 3 by recalling a physically disgusting experience, and in Experiment 4 through a video induction. In each case, the results showed that disgust can increase the severity of moral judgments relative to controls. Experiment 4 found that disgust had a different effect on moral judgment than did sadness. In addition, Experiments 2-4 showed that the role of disgust in severity of moral judgments depends on participants’ sensitivity to their own bodily sensations. Taken together, these data indicate the importance - and specificity - of gut feelings in moral judgments.

Google Announces Catholic Confession App

Catholic sinners have finally achieved multi plat status with sinners  directly connected from their cell phones and tablets et all directly to Catholic Priests who will hear their confessions and proscribe remedial action to mitigate the sins.

"It will be just like you went into a Church ENHANCED with production video and spiritually elevating Gospel music in a transcendental format geared to the sinners communication vehicle."said Father Konfessor which is the generic name for the App and the anonymous Priests themselves.

Their will be options to go live onto Twitter and Facebook and Blogger with the whole confession and/or the Priests proclamations. (and the ability to add video demonstrating the actual sins)

There will be voting input from all social internet sources and You Tube about the best 'Sinner Videos" and live chat emails with the Priests and additional voting on what the admonitions should be for the sinners ie Mary has confessed to teasing boys by wearing no underwear and the Priest is directed to recommend"Ok Mary - ten Hail Mary"s AND ten CARTWHEELS!" (  so there will be humor involved)

The Pope speaking from the Vatican said  "This hasa my totola blessing and should bringa a lota more kidsa to confession -hey a littla fooling arounda is hokay in todays world as long asa it's nota dirty and their is no fucking or masturbato or Homo stuffa involved"

amena

The Digibandit: Queer Confessions Unacceptable says Pope

The Digibandit: Queer Confessions Unacceptable says Pope: In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, ...

Queer Confessions Unacceptable says Pope

In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated;

"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"

"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."

"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."

The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.

"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"

The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."

The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike those heathen Jews and Muslims!

Quantic Dream Video Game, GDC 2012: Exclusive KARA Tech Demo HD | Video Clip | Game Trailers & Videos | GameTrailers.com

Quantic Dream Video Game, GDC 2012: Exclusive KARA Tech Demo HD | Video Clip | Game Trailers & Videos | GameTrailers.com

THE FUTURE!

Romney Has A Faulty "Asshole" Detector

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

Rick Sanitorium Prepares Us For Alien Encounter

     He is NOT Human!  - He can ABSORB Carbon Dioxide and GIVE OFF Oxygen!

Unlike us Carbon Based Humanoids he is nourished by CO2 so he believes (against ALL scientific evidence) that there is NO Global Warning!

Read his comments about asking a Plant if CO2 bothers it????

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/rick-santorum-dangers-carbon-dioxide-tell-plant-152230291.html

This difference in his basic biological construction accounts for his unique Worldview.

A view of life that is quite interesting and can actually help prepare us for an Alien Encounter at some point in our existence

Why Should Government Health Care Cover Fat Hogs Like Rush Limbaugh

SO you don't want health providers to cover contraception? -You don't think it's valid to allow women to have casual sex without running the risk of having to undergo an abortion for an unwanted child (like we don't have enough of these) AND you also don't want effective government programs to help single mothers under the psychological and financial distress caused by these unwanted births? AND maybe like many Evangelican Cookoos you also just think SEX was designed by God to procreate ONLY - and of course that a handful of cells (ALL Scientific evidence notwhistanding) represents the wanton killing of a Human Being  ( hey shouldn't that require the death penalty if it's a life?):

OK  -BUT -Then we don't want health providers paying out hundreds of billions of dollars for medical deficiencies that are a direct result of Obesity - Poor Nutrition - Excessive Alcohol Consumption - Smoking and all undisciplined life style behaviors with absolute direct statistical links to Heart and Mental Disease and Diabetes and Lung Cancer!

 This is NOT  a faith based rationale imposing Religion on the vast majority of Americans who believe that Sex (casual or fidelity based) is an intrinsic and fulfulling part of life and who also respect a women's right to privacy and want to avoid the destructive ongoing growth of single mothers and it's toll on our society  - BUT RATHER:

A reasonable desire and proposal to NOT pay for illness which directly ensues from the weak self determined choices of folks who just want to act like pigs and have the government pay for it -LIKE:

That obese drug addicted Demigogue -Rush Limbaugh!

Why should insurance premiums be escalated to the point of being unaffordable by average hard working Americans while a gross undisciplined Oxycotin Addicted Hog like Limbaugh -making 30 million dollars a year - Eventually has (God willing) a heart attack or stroke due to his personal life style choices - and we all have to chip in to pay for it???

Or for all those other overweight fast food addicted and alcohol guzzling and cigarette smokingChristian Conservatives (among others) who don't give a crap about their health and have high rates of heart and lung disease (and mostly obese children)

OH -and Jesus was thin and active and had a glass of Goat milk and some figs (for constipation) every day. -And he didn't booze or smoke!

Pope Says Condoms OK For Anal Sex

While Sanitorium and Romney are trying their darndest to keep condoms out of the hands of women and off the dicks of men  for contraception purposes  -The POPE! - That shining beacon of Medieval logic has made a dramatic announcement:

We do notta wanta to hava  a spreada of Aidsa  throughouta the Worlda -and amonga 40% of our Priests who are gay and might give the aidsa to some nice Altar Boysa - SO:

I herebye stata thata from now on -ina the power vested in me bya Goda I proclama:

"Men canna use the Condomas whena they hava ANAL sexa ONLY!"

Amena  and remember no cheating and using the condomas fora you wifas or girlfriends or you go straight to Hella with the Jews.

ps - speaking of "vested" that should come as a big relief to Sanitorium.

US Should Burn Bibles and Flags and Offer Toilet Paper TO Afghans

How about if we agree to burn one hundred copies of the Old Testament - 200 American flags AND:

Drop 1,000 cases of Charmin Ultra Wipes over Kabul which should alleviate the real source of pain and suffering for most Muslims over there -the necessity to wipe their asses with their sandy hands which is not only painful but since they eat with their hands -a source of constant Diarreah.

That should stop them from killing folks due to the accidental burning of some Korans  --OH!

We could also send them some comic books - since they mostly can't read maybe they would find that fun?

Does The Koran have pictures?

Unwanted Children Videos Pre Abortion

Instead of forcing women to undergo in-vitro screenings of their uterus in the hope that looking at a bunch of insencient cells will convince some knocked up women that her choice is between going to hell or getting an abortion:

The Christian faith healers should show them a video of a woman who is REALLY in hell!

A woman with a bottle of Vodka to her lips screaming at her two year old to stop screaming while her drunken impregnator supremo is banging on the door to get in to get some more of her food stamps.

Another detached and frightened toddler (baby) on his way to becoming just like his Mummy and Daddy who couldn't take care of themselves when they made her - didn't have a clue about nurturing a new human being -and their one and only smart and responsible decision "we can't do this" made difficult by:

The Blind faith efforts of the blind leading the blind.

The Founding Father's Take On Sarah Palin

So - An esteemed group of our Founding Fathers - have been up there in the great Eternal Cosmic Consciousness watching Sarah Palin's political exploits and now they are having their monthly dinner get together -and tonight's subject of conversation is Ms. Palin:

John Adams "This woman is a complete fucking moron! -am i right Ben?"

Benjamin Franklin "Fucking scariest shit imaginable -you know how much i love Democracy but this is what happens when you let ALL the ignorant assholes participate"

George Washington " I hate to mix in politics guys -as you know -but this woman hasn't got a fucking clue - she doesn't say anything but generalities -she's like a Populist Parrot - and ALL those great women leaders out there to compare her to -can't those rednecks see through her ignorant rantings and raving?"

Alexander Hamilton "Wow -that's a mouth full from you George - But hey guys -they let EVERYONE participate in the system now -and we know full well that roughly thirty percent of the population are fucking idiots -they just follow whoever makes them feel good about their preconceived notions -a babble rabble of monumental moronic proportions."

James Monroe "I'm with you guys on this one - she's done nothing - she gets her guidance from a Stone Age scripture - never says anything of any depth or perception -never demonstrates knowledge of the complicated issues of the day -has no depth or intellectual fiber or curiosity -she truly IS a fucking jerk!"

John Hancock "It's scary all right -but the timing is perfect for a schmuck like her with the unemployment and the deficit and that fucking Tea Party rabble -and a black president -and a Republican Party on life support culturally.

Thomas Jefferson " Look -it's simple -If John McCain didn't lend his gravitas to her she'd be home in Wasilla fucking Eskimos and shooting wolves -and the rednecks would never have discovered her -AND - You know McCain must have been screwing her - and she can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch!"

John Adams "Well Thomas we don't agree on much but i think you nailed it right on the head -we all knew when women got the vote that pussy would enter politics -and some jerks like Palin would create a stir -but so far most of the female leaders have been dogs who had to make it with their brains and knowledge and creative energy."

Thomas Jefferson 'So right John -but i have to say that Nancy Pelosi has brains and all that positive stuff - but boy would i like to play with her bodacious ta ta's"

George Washington "Jefferson -we all know you would fuck a snake!"

Jefferson "Ha ha ha George -BUT -i wouldn't fuck Sarah Palin even with those legs -She's gotta be a SMART snake!"

Washington  " You are right Tommy -Michelle Bachman gives me a boner BUT talk about stupid!"

Those Founding Fathers sure were amazing!

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod

It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!

"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"

"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"

"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"

Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."

And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:

Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"

Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!

Michelle's Migraines From lack of Sex says her Husband

Marcus Bachman was overheard telling a friend today "Michelle just needs to get laid and her migraines would disappear!"

His friend then asked him: "Doesn't Michelle like to have sex with you?" and he responded:

"We haven't ha sex for over two years now -and let me tell you the last thing the world needs is horny female Commander in Chief of the most powerful military on Earth walking around with a suitcase loaded with Nuke attack codes"

He went on; "She is so horny that she is about to implode!"

His friend asked; "Well why don't you two have sex/"

He answered; "She thinks it's dirty!"

The end of the world caused by a horny bitch?That's irony worth of The Bard

White Heterosexual Marriage is a Total Failure

While Rep. Michele Bachmann had been the first GOP hopeful to sign “The Marriage Vow,” which included in the introduction a section that lamented that “the Institution of Marriage in America is in great crisis.”

Eluding of course to the Godforsaken evolution of Gay Marriage she forgets that 50% of hetero whiteys get divorces - another 30% are fucking miserable - 80% of men who have a 40inch waist or under cheat on their partners and 100% of successfully married males have multiple affairs with younger and hotter women than their wives.

SO Michelle -as usual -you are talking out of your twat!

Soon Gringos Will Be Migrating To Mexico

The President of mexico said today:


"Educational and employment opportunities have greatly expanded in Mexico. Per capita gross domestic product and family income have each jumped more than 45 percent since 2000, according to one prominent economist, Roberto Newell. Despite all the depictions of Mexico as “nearly a failed state,” he argued, “the conventional wisdom is wrong.”

He continued;'with the rising power of the morons and religious fanaticks in The Unidos Estadas -and with the huge screwing the rich robbers are giving to the middle class and the poor -and the spoiled and lazy American youth -The future is bleak for The Gringos!"

He concluded;'but we owe The Unidos Estados much -so you can come down here and start a new life where the rednecks do not run the show"

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

Celebrities Who Plan On Having Anal Sex July Fourth Weekend

Well the year sure went quickly didn't it and our group is back in action for their Fourth of July Blast off!.

In addition to the following lineup(oops) of celebrities engaging in some tuchas fireworks - there will be: - The Pope - Andrew Dice Clay - Barbara Bush - Ayatolah Komeini - Rush Limbaugh (with his sheep Oxy Cotton) - Clarence Thomas (with Antonin Scalia) - The Dalai Lama and Harvey Weinstein and Warren Buffet:

Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM

Japanese Recruit Sumo's from Obese US Tenagers

Sugi Matsuguggi head of The japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation announced today in Tokyo::

"We are on a push to invigorate Sumo Wrestling and unfortunately we do not have enough raw material in Japan for our expansion and modernization strategy - we need a big supply of obese young men (and women) to work with and turn into exciting Sumo stars for the next generation."

He continued: "America has the highest number of morbidly obese young men and women on Earth and we are going to tap into that deep well of blubbery talent"

digibandit Hollywood reporter elise mandelbaum asked him: 'isn't it dangerous to put obese young men and women into an intense physical training regimen."

"Very dangerous!" answered Suggi "Many will drop dead BUT what kind of life do these young men and women have to look forward to now?"

He concluded: "Better to die quickly and have a chance at money power fame and hot pussy -than to die in despair with a Big Mac in your lap."

Fox Announces -The Search for Osama's Skeleton

"We are gonna scour the Ocean with the same team of expert underwater Treasure Hunters that discovered the Titanic and bring up Osama's Skeleton and sell it in what will be the world's greatest auction event -- AND the revenue will go to the 911 victim's families" --said Myron Schlockmeister Prexy of Fox TV in a startling press conference in hollywood today.

"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"

Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"

Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"

"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."

"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"

First Father's Day Began With A Blow Stick

Historians have recorded that there was a tradition to celebrate Father's Day even thousands of years ago. Their study say that 4,000 years ago in Babylon a son called Elmesu carved a father's day message on a clay card. In his message Elmesu wished his father a long and healthy life. There is no knowledge as to what happened to this father son duo but it is believed that several countries retained the custom of celebrating Father's Day.

Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.

About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:

"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"

See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.

Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:

A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.

See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.

WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"

And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"

And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"

Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.

So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.

So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.

AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.

But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.

Fox Announces"Huma and Anthony"

Yes -the Weiner's are coming to Prime Time as Fox reality TV President Myron Schlocker announced from The Beverly Hills Hotel today:

"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"

He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"

Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"

He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.

Anthony WEiner and Wife Should Read this Old Digibandit Blog

Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors

Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:

" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -

"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."

"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"

Google Announces Fantasy Masturbation App

Dr.Moishe Pipick -the mastermind of Google Apps and head of development for the recently established Google Division 'Google Sexual Stimulation Apps Worldwide' announced today at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland:

"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"

Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"

"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"

Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!

Momma Grizzly claims - America getting Stronger through DECONSTRUCTION

"Economists who have studied the impact of floods, tornadoes and hurricanes have found that after the initial anguish and huge economic disruptions, periods of increased economic activity frequently follow as insurance money and disaster relief flow in to jump-start rebuilding." said Sarah Palin today on a break from a meeting with Fox TV regarding their upcoming new Reality Series 'Mormon's Gone Wild" which she and Todd will co executive produce for them.

"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."

Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"

She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND

With the National rallying cry of:

"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"

Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?

California Prisoners For Rent To Endangered Home Owners By California

Can't make your mortgage payment?

Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.

Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.

The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.

And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)

Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.

Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.

AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)

It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!

(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)

Blind Prostitutes are The Answer!

Look -let's be realistic - Alpha Males rolling in fame power and money need a lot of sex with young hot babes!

Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!

The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."

I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)

Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).

It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.

Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!

It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!