Top 150 TV Shows for Morons

2011-12 Season: Series Ranking In Adults 18-49:

				P 18-49	P 18-49	P 18-49
Rank	Network	Program	#telecasts	Rating	Share	Viewers (000)
1	NBC	NBC SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL	15	7.99	20	10214
2	FOX	AMERICAN IDOL-WEDNESDAY	19	6.16	17	7879
3	NBC	VOICE	15	6.12	16	7821
4	ABC	MODERN FAMILY	34	5.54	15	7090
5	FOX	AMERICAN IDOL-THURSDAY	18	5.53	16	7067
6	CBS	BIG BANG THEORY, THE	32	5.53	17	7066
7	CBS	TWO AND A HALF MEN	34	5.10	12	6526
8	FOX	X-FACTOR-WED	10	4.36	12	5580
9	CBS	2 BROKE GIRLS	33	4.35	11	5560
10	ABC	GREY’S ANATOMY	29	4.23	11	5409
11	NBC	FOOTBALL NT AMERICA PT 3	15	4.21	11	5378
12	FOX	NEW GIRL	28	4.20	11	5368
13	FOX	X-FACTOR-THU	11	4.18	12	5341
14	NBC	VOICE:RESULTS SHOW	6	4.17	11	5326
15	CBS	HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER	32	4.12	12	5270
16	ABC	ONCE UPON A TIME	24	4.10	10	5240
17	CBS	NCIS	34	4.01	11	5121
18	CBS	SURVIVOR: SOUTH PACIFIC	12	3.99	11	5104
19	FOX	FAMILY GUY	23	3.79	9	4847
20	CBS	MIKE & MOLLY	33	3.77	9	4820
21	CBS	CRIMINAL MINDS	34	3.73	10	4767
22	CBS	ROB	8	3.71	10	4748
23	FOX	GLEE	25	3.66	10	4684
24	FOX	TERRA NOVA	11	3.58	9	4573
25	ABC	DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES	22	3.57	8	4571
26	CBS	SURVIVOR: ONE WORLD	13	3.48	10	4443
27	CBS	NCIS: LOS ANGELES	32	3.44	9	4404
28	ABC	DANCING WITH THE STARS	20	3.44	9	4400
29	NBC	OFFICE	31	3.42	9	4376
30	FOX	ALCATRAZ	10	3.39	8	4339
31	FOX	HOUSE	25	3.31	8	4235
32	CBS	PERSON OF INTEREST	31	3.31	9	4235
33	FOX	SIMPSONS	23	3.28	9	4189
34	CBS	AMAZING RACE 19	12	3.26	8	4168
35	CBS	RULES OF ENGAGEMENT	19	3.25	9	4161
36	CBS	HAWAII FIVE-0	33	3.25	8	4154
37	CBS	CSI	31	3.22	9	4116
38	NBC	SMASH	15	3.20	8	4095
39	CBS	MENTALIST, THE	31	3.14	9	4012
40	ABC	DANCING W/STARS RESULTS	19	3.06	8	3907
41	CBS	AMAZING RACE 20	10	3.02	8	3863
42	ABC	HAPPY ENDINGS	25	3.01	8	3850
43	ABC	PRIVATE PRACTICE	24	2.97	8	3794
44	ABC	BACHELOR, THE	10	2.93	7	3750
45	ABC	REVENGE	27	2.90	8	3708
46	FOX	BONES	15	2.86	8	3660
47	ABC	CASTLE	27	2.84	7	3637
48	NBC	FEAR FACTOR	5	2.81	7	3589
49	CBS	HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN	2	2.79	8	3568
50	FOX	NAPOLEON DYNAMITE	5	2.77	7	3543
51	FOX	TOUCH	9	2.74	7	3503
52	FOX	AMERICAN DAD	18	2.74	6	3500
53	ABC	DON’T TRUST THE B-APT 23	7	2.67	7	3411
54	ABC	GCB	8	2.64	7	3380
55	ABC	LAST MAN STANDING	29	2.64	8	3375
56	NBC	PARENTHOOD	19	2.61	7	3335
57	FOX	RAISING HOPE	25	2.58	7	3301
58	FOX	CLEVELAND-SUN 8:30P	2	2.57	6	3291
59	NBC	BIGGEST LOSER 13	18	2.56	7	3271
60	NBC	BIGGEST LOSER 12	13	2.54	7	3251
61	ABC	SUBURGATORY	32	2.53	7	3230
62	CBS	CSI: MIAMI	21	2.52	7	3217
63	ABC	MIDDLE, THE	34	2.51	8	3211
64	CBS	UNFORGETTABLE	31	2.48	7	3171
65	CBS	GOOD WIFE, THE	23	2.48	6	3165
66	ABC	SCANDAL	7	2.45	7	3134
67	ABC	PAN AM	14	2.42	6	3100
68	ABC	RIVER, THE	7	2.42	6	3090
69	NBC	UP ALL NIGHT	27	2.42	7	3088
70	NBC	APPRENTICE 12	14	2.41	6	3079
71	ABC	CELEBRITY WIFE SWAP	4	2.40	6	3074
72	CBS	60 MINUTES	29	2.36	7	3020
73	NBC	LAW AND ORDER:SVU	31	2.30	6	2941
74	NBC	PARKS AND RECREATION	26	2.26	6	2892
75	FOX	FINDER	13	2.26	7	2885
76	NBC	WHITNEY	27	2.25	6	2875
77	NBC	FOOTBALL NT AMERICA PT 2	15	2.24	6	2862
78	FOX	MOBBED	4	2.23	6	2849
79	CBS	UNDERCOVER BOSS	14	2.23	7	2848
80	FOX	ALLEN GREGORY	7	2.18	5	2791
81	NBC	GRIMM	26	2.14	7	2742
82	NBC	30 ROCK	19	2.13	6	2725
83	FOX	I HATE MY TEENAGE DGHTR	7	2.12	6	2705
84	ABC	SAT NIGHT FOOTBALL	10	2.10	7	2690
85	ABC	MAN UP!	8	2.08	6	2663
86	ABC	BODY OF PROOF	26	2.08	6	2660
87	FOX	BOB’S BURGERS	9	2.03	6	2601
88	CBS	BLUE BLOODS	30	2.02	6	2583
89	FOX	CLEVELAND	21	1.91	5	2446
90	ABC	WORK IT	2	1.91	5	2444
91	NBC	COMMUNITY	24	1.90	6	2434
92	ABC	COUGAR TOWN	12	1.90	5	2425
93	NBC	ARE YOU THERE CHELSEA	12	1.90	5	2423
94	CBS	CSI: NY	25	1.89	6	2414
95	ABC	WIPEOUT-THURS	10	1.88	5	2400
96	NBC	PLAYBOY CLUB	3	1.84	5	2351
97	NBC	SING OFF	12	1.83	5	2336
98	ABC	MISSING	10	1.80	6	2298
99	ABC	SHARK TANK	18	1.80	6	2297
100	NBC	FASHION STAR	10	1.78	5	2274
101	NBC	OFF THEIR ROCKRS	8	1.76	6	2247
102	NBC	PRIME SUSPECT	12	1.68	5	2154
103	NBC	WHO’S STILL STANDING	5	1.66	4	2128
104	NBC	AWAKE	12	1.66	5	2127
105	FOX	FRINGE	26	1.66	5	2120
107	FOX	KITCHEN NIGHTMARES	23	1.64	6	2095
108	ABC	CHARLIE’S ANGELS	7	1.63	5	2088
109	FOX	BREAKING IN	5	1.61	4	2059
110	ABC	20/20-FRI	32	1.57	5	2005
111	ABC	EXTREME MAKEOVER:HM ED-9P	9	1.56	5	1989
112	CBS	NYC 22	4	1.55	4	1984
113	ABC	AMER FUNN HOME VIDEOS	27	1.55	4	1978
114	NBC	OFF THEIR ROCKRS 830	4	1.54	5	1968
115	ABC	PRIMETIME:WHAT WOULD U DO	17	1.53	5	1951
116	NBC	DATELINE FRI	33	1.50	5	1913
117	ABC	EXTREME MAKEOVER:HOME ED.	14	1.49	4	1905
118	FOX	COPS 2	13	1.42	4	1818
119	NBC	HARRY’S LAW	25	1.38	4	1761
120	CBS	GIFTED MAN, A	22	1.35	4	1727
121	NBC	FREE AGENTS	3	1.33	4	1707
122	NBC	CHUCK	12	1.33	4	1703
123	CW	VAMPIRE DIARIES	32	1.30	4	1658
124	CBS	48 HOURS MYSTERY	29	1.30	4	1658
125	FOX	COPS	12	1.27	4	1627
126	ABC	YOU DESERVE IT	5	1.22	3	1561
127	NBC	DATELINE SUN-7PM	13	1.16	3	1478
128	NBC	BENT 9P	3	1.15	3	1467
129	ABC	MY EXTREME AFFLICTION	4	1.14	4	1463
130	CW	AMERICA’S TOP MODEL-11	12	1.13	3	1446
131	ABC	MISSING-WED	3	1.11	3	1426
132	NBC	WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE	15	1.11	4	1414
133	ABC	20/20-FRIDAY	1	1.10	4	1410
134	NBC	BEST FRIENDS FOREVER	4	1.09	3	1390
135	ABC	ABC SAT MOVIE OF THE WEEK	9	1.01	3	1295
136	NBC	FIRM	15	1.00	3	1279
137	CW	ONE TREE HILL	13	0.99	3	1271
138	NBC	BENT 930	3	0.99	3	1262
139	NBC	ROCK CENTER-B. WILLIAMS	27	0.96	2	1223
140	CW	SECRET CIRCLE	28	0.91	2	1163
141	CW	SUPERNATURAL	32	0.89	3	1143
142	CBS	CRIMETIME SATURDAY	23	0.86	3	1102
143	NBC	LAW AND ORDER:SVU-SAT	22	0.84	3	1072
144	NBC	LAW & ORDER:SVU-WED 9PM	2	0.82	2	1054
145	CW	90210	28	0.82	2	1049
146	CW	GOSSIP GIRL-MON	25	0.80	2	1020
147	CW	RINGER	25	0.79	2	1010
148	CW	HART OF DIXIE	30	0.76	2	968
149	CW	AMERICA’S TOP MODEL-BRIT	12	0.71	2	913
150	CW	NIKITA	31	0.61	2	774
151	FOX	Q’VIVA	4	0.60	2	772
152	CW	H8R	3	0.49	1	620
153	NBC	FIRM-SAT	1	0.43	1	549
154	CW	REMODELED	6	0.33	1	422
155	NBC	ESCAPE ROUTES	6	0.28	1	354
156	CW	LA COMPLEX	5	0.27	1	350

USA Should Issue "Breeding Visas" - Hump Your Way To Citizenship

By 2030 - the United States (Los Unidos Estatos) will be sixty eight percent (and growing) Hispanic - sooooooooooooo:

Just Remember - as the current congress frets about the future indebtiness of their lily white grandkids - it's the working class Hispanics - with their high fertility rates and condom averse Catholicism - that will be paying for all these bailouts and programs - and the festival of freebies that the Democrats are hosting.

Sooooo - let's get off the backs of our super generous latino brothers and sisters - legal and illegal alike - because THEIR grandchildren are going to do most of the paying for all the freebies and bailouts - and all the funny money that's flying out of the Treasury and Federal Reserve - As we speak!

Let's encourage more of our latino brothers and sisters to cross the border - and open our borders to all ethnic groups with solid track records of bountiful procreation - and supercharged fertility rates.

I say -If they can knock out a quick batch of future American loan repayers - let em in -come on in and join the party!

If a couple - has - say - five or six young children - and one in the oven - and you want into "Debtland America" - C'mon in - go to the head of the line - we can sure use your future debt repayers.

 SO -Let's issue  "Breeding Visas!" - if you agree to have a child every eighteen months - and you don't fall behind in your reproduction - and you agree to keep your "Repayers" in the USA for say 30 years:Your In! - Welcome To America!

It's a sensible solution in keeping with the great American tradition of letting the people who can least afford it - pay the bills!

Visa announces "Shop Till You Drop Card" for Crap Junkies

WANT TO GET YOUR "SHOPPER'S HIGH" WITHOUT ACTUALLY SPENDING A DIME?

Get that special rush of Dopamine surging into your brain as you mainstream consumer consumption ?

Feel that special rush as the retailer swipes and bags your "Junk" - just like a heroin addict in a shooting gallery?

Well - with Visa's "Shop Till You Drop" card you just pay a small fee --ten thousand dollars worth of "buy only" credits cost a paltry fifty bucks

And you high roller's can get up to one -hundred thousand dollars in credits for a paltry three hundred bucks.

So shop away! - You check out the goods just like you were actually buying them -- the clerk says thank you - and you leave without the merchandise, but aglow with that "special shoppers high" that really has nothing to do with needing or even wanting most of "the stuff" (as George Carlin used to say) anyway.

And for a small extra fee the clerk will provide you with an assortment of boxes with the details of what you "shopped" so you can arrive at home and go over all your "shopped only purchases" with your family and friends - getting yet another " consumption fix" - for free - when you open them.

And -- you can give these "Shopped Only"gifts for any and all occasions - "Oh look what Mary and Joseph Pipick "Shopped" us for our housewarming." As your friend unwraps and reads the gift description - "A beautiful Tiffany bowl".

And the whole nature of consumerism will change as the consumer addicted crap junkies   will now get a low cost powerful fix  - and life as we know it - and the social and political and economic and cultural impact will be staggering (as they need more and more and more crappy stuff!!!)

Remember - it's "The thought that counts" - so get your Visa "Shop Till You Drop" card -- get high - and change the world! --For peanuts!

Great New TV from GMC TV

Music and family entertainment network, GMC TV revealed its first-ever original reality series development slate with 13 new series in the works.  Descriptions of the series in development include

:http://www.americancornhole.org/

• The Bulloch Family Transgender Children's Ranch centers on Julie and Rusty Bulloch, a working-class couple that dedicates their time and resources to help gay and transgender kids from broken families  thrive and meet other freakokids and Priests..  From Peacepoint Entertainment Group and Cry Baby Media.
• I Fuckin Hate You is a one-hour docu-series offering people the chance to get revenge on someone who has hurt them -through torture - in order to overcome hatred and anger.  From Arnold Shapiro Productions and Bayonne Entertainment.
•   Kinky Earth Angels features a team of "Earthly Angels" who creatively make a positive and dramatic impact on the lives of average Americans who need weird and kinky sex.  This weekly series is from Wolper Entertainment.
• The Miracle Pussy Hunter follows real-life miracle hunter Michael O'Neil who investigates modern-day pussy miracles.  From Think Factory.
• Family Zoo Experiment is about the Marchezak family along with their extended family living on a 350-acre farm where they house and cornhole hundreds of animals for a study on the effects of interspecie cornholing.  Produced by Think Factory.
• LSD With Chocolate is set inside the Cocoa Tree, a boutique chocolate shop in Nashville owned by Bethany Thouin, a self-taught  LSD chocolatier who creates unique chocolate sculptures and centerpieces for celebrity clients while on LSD .  Produced by Original Media.
•  Cornhole Party People follows party and event planner Richard Younger, owner of Event Cornhole Rental, one of the largest independent party rental businesses in the South.  From Original Media.
• Restoring Faith in "Jesus Was A  Homo" follows a group of guys known as the " Homos' for Jesus Church guys" who restore old church buildings all over the country and prey on kids.  From Stick Figure Entertainment and Bayonne Entertainment.
•  Inside Engagement Story spotlights a variety of heart-warming and funny engagement stories from celebrities to ordinary people by using cameras hidden in Hookers Vaginas.  From Big Fish Entertainment.
• For the Record follows record promoters and middle-age moms Bobbii Jacobs and Claire Parr as they balance their families and their high-profile music clients while persuing careers as serial killers.  Produced by High Noon Entertainment.
• Bottoms Up relates uplifting stories of personal redemption and lives transformed through the healing power of faith, hope and determination and Cornholing Sheep.  From High Noon Entertainment.
• The Cornhole Journey hosted by Grammy and Dove Award winner, Steven Curtis Chapman, profiles the stories behind some of the biggest and most-inspiring cornholes of all time.  From Me and My House Entertainment.
• The Snatch Changers is about hosts who grant wishes of someone in need of a transgender operation.  Co-host's Beverly Adams and her Everyday Philanthropy organization inspired the program.  Produced by Me and My House Entertainment.

Hailee Steinfeld stars in "Why I castrated My Boyfriend"

Hailee Steinfeld To Star In Fox 2000 Comedy ‘Why I Castrated My Boyfriend U’

By MIKE FLEMING | Tuesday May 22, 2012 @ 8:34pm EDTTags: Beth McCarthy Miller, Daniel Handler, Hailee Steinfeld, Why We Broke Up

COMMENTS (0)

EXCLUSIVE: Hailee Steinfeld is in negotiations to star as the lead in Why I Castrated My boyfriend, the Fox 2000 comedy that will be directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller. It is based on the book by Daniel Handler, who wrote the Lemony Snicket series.

Steinfeld will play Min, a high school sophomore and slut who enjoys hanging out with friends and having anal sex in the bathroom at her favorite coffee shop. 

She falls hard for Ed, a senior and captain of the basketball team, and gets caught up in their whirlwind romance. The film unfolds a couple of weeks after the break-up, when she has him drugged and takes him to her basement and cuts off his dick and balls.

Fox TV Reality signs Daniel Day Lewis and Charlize Theron

New original series from new "Fox Unreal TV Channel":

• : Christians Gone Bad serves up stories of former devoted Fundamentalists who become Hasidic Jews and kill and torture Altar boys.
• 'Til Death Do Polacks Part explores stories of  Polish divorce that end in murder led by psychotherapist and relationship expert, Dr. Hanns  Chryszxlmnsnsky and forensic psychologist and attorney, Dr.Igor Moronowsky .
• Wives With Knives showcases stories of women who fought back and cut of the dicks and balls of their husbands - motivated by years of abuse or by greed and jealousy.
• Pretty Bad Amish Girls is a true-crime series profiling sexy female Amish woman who cheat, steal and kill and have sex with barn animals.
• Cold Venereal Disease Cases  delves into unsolved homicide cases caused by venereal disease as they are reopened.
• Dangerous Hasidick Jews (wt) relates true tales of religious Jews who were manipulated into committing horrible sex crimes by shiksas.
• Who The Fuck Is That...  is a spin-off of the network's series Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?  with this new series going deeper into relationships between friends, co-workers, family members and more telling the truth about people leading double lives and killing and eating their neighbors and children.
• Homo Murder In Paradise  follows the stories of happy homo couples whose vacations in paradise end in violence and then Homo lynchings by the locals.
• 
  
• Burnett Dickhead productions will exec and line produce these new breakthrough concepts and are in negotiations with Charlize Theron to star in "Wives with Knives" and Russel Crowe in "Christians Gone Bad"  - Daniel Day Lewis was set to star in "To Death Till Polaks Part" but had a tough time with learning Polak -AND Nick Nolte is close to signing on for "Homo Murder in Paradise" (as the head homo killer)

Stay Tuned for more great TV from Fox!

Chen Guangchen Went Blind From Masturbating Over Charlize Theron

Chen Guangcheng quickly announced that he had gone blind from masturbating over smuggled pictures of Charliz Theron! 




The Chinese dissident who escaped house arrest and sought refuge at the American Embassy in Beijing, landed at Newark Liberty International Airport on Saturday, ending a fraught diplomatic drama that threatened to disrupt relations between China and the United States. 

Chen said at a press conference in NYC today:""Ever since i was a teenager i dreamed of her and i could not stop masturbating and that is how i went blind."


 He further stated: "President Obama and Madam Secretary Hillary promised me if i defected Charlize would be happy to fulfill my life's desire and ambition"

He concluded;  "Chinese girls are smart but fat and stinky and short with shitty feet!"


I am happy to give my eyes for Charlize!

Celebrity Colon Polyps Outsell Star Shit

The twin American culture addictions for celebrities and collectibles reached a climax yesterday when a colon polyp removed from Susan Sarandon was sold on the auction market for fifty thousand dollars

"A complete box set of her prior colonoscopies along with those of Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton is on the bloc for over one-million dollars" said Dr. Moishe Pipick ,chief proctologist at Hollywood Hospital; where the polyps where stolen from a lab by some enterprising lab technician.

Irving Mandelbaum, head curator at Christies auction house said; "The colon polyp collectible market has gone through the roof -- it is even outpacing the "star shit" collectible market; which was launched last year by an enterprising septic tank cleaner in Beverly Hills (and reported by the Digibandit at that time).

Mr. Mandelbaum noted that a DNA certified dump from Oprah Winfrey sold for seventy-five thousand dollars -- but a set of her polops was on the market for over a quarter of a million.

"It's rumored that a huge Barry Bonds turd may have been sold to Beyonce for over a million bucks! - he hasn't had a colonoscopy as yet."

He concluded; "Americans adore their celebrities; and for this new crop of super rich folks,with their limited aesthetic development and general dysfunction -- the colon and its byproducts are a natural means to connect with their cultural heroes."

It's a cleansing thought!

Romney Seeks Stupid Woman With Nice Legs and Tits for VP

"I would feel most comfortable with a kinda ditzy gal with nice legs and small hard tits to be my running mate" Romney was overheard explaining to his Chief of Staff, Izaac Polegemer  at a Mormon hangout in Salt Lake City today.

"Not quite as ignorant as Sarah Palin and with much smaller tits - i really don't want to screw around with her like McCaine did with that Alaskan Neanderthal -but you know someone that the Redneck Christians will go for and not get in my face."

He continued; "Maybe a Cameron Diaz kinda look a like -you know Isaac - Anne used to be quite a looker before the fat and sleeping pills took over!"

"Star Shit" from Fox TV announced Today

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit

 Fox President Mike (the midget)Darnell introduced the host of it's upcoming reality series -Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood  at a press conference held by Creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills:

"Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood"--

He continued; "My Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)"

Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "-- How much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Elizabeth Taylor? -The skys the limit!"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is - and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA announced yesterday; "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit " and Arnold Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today -and the TV Show should be way bigger than "Pawn Stars" in the ratings!

"An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- a penultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" -- what is next? -- stay tuned!


(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Genetic "Early Asshole Warning System" EASILY catches Romney

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN'T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole  mates and families". A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

"The Houston Family Crack House Chronicles" -from Lifetime

Lifetime approved a new docu-series, that allows viewers inside the lives of the late Whitney Houston's family. 

"We think this will be bigger than "Cheating Army Wives" which is on our development slate but has been moved back to make room for this wonderful look at Whitney and her family (including the children) running their crack House" said Berle Cornofsky -VP development at Lifetime.


The series will chronicle Pat Houston, Whitney's sister-in-law and manager; Pat's daughter, Rayah; Whitney's brother, Gary; daughter, Bobbi Kristina; and her mother, Cissy Houston.  


The series will follow Whitney's family as they reveal the inside drama of operating a Crack House and their struggles to keep it going after the untimely death of the pop star icon.  


Lifetime has ordered 10 one-hour episodes which will premiere this year - exec produced  by Bobby Brown with Cornhole Productions Ltd. 

Who Was the First Mother?

IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !

Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

"World's Deadliest Snatch" from Fox -" WAY beyond those Crabs!"

  thesaurus for snatch:
pussy vagina cunt twat beaver box muff cooter gash cooch vag bearded clam poontang slit poon coochie hole sex quim bitch more

It looks like Fox has outfoxed the competition with a show which has a huge built-in buzz generator with it's name association to one of TVs hottest reality shows .

Mike (darling) Darnell head of Fox TV said today; "Well every network is looking for their version of "Deadliest Catch" in the danger/action reality genre --so we looked for something that might be extremely dangerous but not locked to physical action"

"I mean -- there is no action like "Snatch Action" --but let's be real --it's what the Snatch does to your brain that makes it so dangerous!"

"I mean --if you fall off a boat fishing for giant crabs chances are you will get real cold --but from what i can see there's less danger of actual injury on those boats than befalls a NYC garbage man -- statistically speaking that is"

Mike continued vehemently; " But a "Deadly Snatch" can fuck up your whole life in an instant dude! -- i mean ,if you get hooked up with a major "Deadly Snatch" you will pray to God that you fall off a boat in one-hundred foot waves and drown!"

'I mean; " Most guys would rather fall asleep in the giant crab storage locker and be eaten alive -- than get eaten up inside by a really "Deadly Snatch!"

"I mean - I know guys who have been attacked by snatch so deadly that they ripped off their own nuts and dicks with a pliers."

He continued; "Trust me i know --there is snatch that is so deadly out here in Los Angeles that you will pray that a giant crab rips your nuts off and you bleed to death slowly -- alone on the beach in Venice -- rather than get consumed by it "

"And -- we are going to show the most "Deadliest Snatch" we can find on this show and all the vicious action and trauma that goes with it -- and it's not gonna be pretty - just pretty damn deadly"

Stay tuned -- and hide the kids and old folks! --and if we can save just one viewer from a "Deadly Snatch" attack -- i can die in peace"

But when Mike --when already?

Romney Cornholed John Lauber in Private School

Old acquaintances described an episode in which he "corholed" a fellow student. Mr. Romney acknowledged playing “cornholing  homo hating pranks.”

The account put Mr. Romney, who has struggled on the campaign trail to cast off his rivals’ image of him as privileged and insensitive, on the defensive about events nearly 50 years ago.

The episode, reported by The Washington Post, occurred at Cranbrook, a private school that Mr. Romney, the son of an automobile executive-turned-governor, attended in Michigan. Mr. Romney returned from spring break in his senior year to find that John Lauber, a quiet, offbeat type, had bleached his hair blond.

Mr. Romney, brandishing a pair of scissors, led other boys on a hunt for Mr. Lauber, teasing him and holding him down while Mr. Romney snipped off his long locks and cornholed him

 "I also threatened to cut off his pecker and send it to The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City" he said today from the campaign trail -and i'm sorry i don't have it now to send as a gift to Homo lover obama"

“As to pranks that were played back then, I don’t remember them all, but again, high school days, if I did stupid things, why, I’m afraid I’ve got to say sorry for it,” Mr. Romney, 65, the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, said in a Fox News Radio interview on Thursday. He said he  believed “the fellow was homosexual,” which was “something we hated as Mormon's" 

ps

What does cornholing mean?

Recently, my boyfriend asked me if we could "cornhole". The church of LDS frowns upon pre-marital intercourse and I still don't know exactly if it constitutes intercourse. He said that I can't get pregnant from it, and that I'd still be a virgin. When I asked him what I had to do, he didn't give me a straight answer.

I'm only 15, so I don't know a lot of these terminologies. So, what does "cornholing" mean?

• 1 year ago
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Emile

Best Answer - Chosen by Voters

Tell him you'd prefer a clean (non-penetrative) Serbian slip-n'-slide.

Cornholing is not such a hot idea.

" The Choice Celebrity Cornhole" from Fox this Summer

The celebrity cast of FOX's upcoming dating show The Choice Celebrity Cornhole was revealed yesterday.  

The Celebrities will watch as a cadre of famous bachelors and bachelorettes audition attractive non-famous singles while they are sitting in spinning chairs with their asses up in the air. Best asses are Cornholed and the "Cornees" have to sing while being Cornholed. 

Five of the episodes will feature male celebrities while one episode will highlight female celebrities.  The male celebrities include Pauly D, Tyson Beckford, Joe Jonas, Dean Cain, Rob Kardashian, Rocco DiSpirito, Warren Sapp, Finesse Mitchell, Romeo, Jeremy Bloom, Jason Cook, Michael Catherwood, Seth Wescott, Parker Young, Ndamukong Suh, Dr. Robert Nettles, Taylor Hicks, Mike Sorrentino, Rob Gronkowski and Steven Lopez while. 

Mike (the Midget) Darnell, Fox creative Wizard said today at The Beverly Hills Hotel "My young creative team wanted to name the program "Choice Butt Humpers" and they said Cornhole is an ancient name for butthole and the audience wouldn't get it -but i prevailed as always -ha ha -they WILL get it with the first Corhole"

The female celebrities all armed with Dildos for their alternative style of cornholing execution  are Carmen Electra, Hope Dworaczyk, Rima Fakih and Sophie Monk.  The Choice is hosted by Cat Deeley and premieres on June 7, paired with FOX's other new dating series Take Me Out.

Fox TV Announces "Find Gavin Smith" and Fuck An Idol Finalist

"Well i know everyone is wondering where the fuck Gavin went!" said Mike (the Midget Darnell)

"But in the meantime let's not sit around and mope when we have a great opportunity to turn his dissapearance into a hot new reality show" he said.

"AND we are adding a twist to your basic reality kinda search format  - getta load of this!"

"The one who finds Mike Gavin gets to fuck any finalist on American Idol -man or woman it's up to them"

Elise Mandelbaum the digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief asked Darnell:

"How can you guarantee that?"

He repied - "well Miss snoopy big tits - i have some leverage in that regard --heh heh heh!"

Romney Eats Human Sex capsules Says Obama

Romney calls Obama a 'Musnig" in Campaign Ad

"I believe in calling a Spade a Spade"  said Romney as his latest attack ad made reference to Obama being half Muslim and half N word.

Obama retaliated by calling Romney a leader of a Moron (Mormon) Sect' whose founder was a SnakeOil Salesman just like Romney.

"At this rate the presidential campaign is shaping up to be a vulgar exchange of epithets!" said VP Joe Biden and further stated:

"I think the republican party has been taken over by a bunch of stupid cocksuckers!'

"Slaughter These Fat Hogs"says Romney re Obese Americans

 Mitt Romney said today "About 32 million more Americans will become obese by 2030, upping obesity rates to 42 percent of the U.S. population, according to a new report from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The report also predicts that the proportion of Americans who are severely obese, meaning more than 100 pounds overweight, will reach 11 percent, about double the current rate.

The report's authors give a sobering price tag for these predictions: such an increase would create $550 billion of obesity-related health care costs.

Romney said the prospect of such increasing rates, particularly those of severely obese Americans, is alarming since efforts aimed at helping people lose weight have so far proven relatively ineffective.

"Their weight continues to increase. Over the last 10 years, it has gone up tremendously," he said in a press conference. "This is a group at great risk of health complications, and yet they are increasing at an even greater rate than the rate of obesity and endangering all other Americans."

"We simply can't afford these hogs!" he said

The report was published in the American Journal of Preventive Medicine and was released at the CDC's Weight of the Nation conference today, a gathering focused on the impact of the obesity epidemic. The authors analyzed data collected from each state and made projections based on a number of factors influencing obesity rates, including the cost of healthy and unhealthy foods, gas prices and Internet access.

"If one of my kids or my Dogs got that fat i would chain them up until they got back down to normal" he said.

A reporter asked him about his wife and he said "After the election she gets the Chain treatment!"

American'Will Soon Sell Their Children To Survive -says new study

“When people view themselves as doing worse financially, then that motivates them to purchase lottery tickets,” said Dr. Moishe Pipick, a postdoctoral associate at the Yale School of Management who in July published a research paper on lotteries in The Journal of Behavioral Decision Making.

"People are getting desperate! - This lottery thing is a sure sign!" - said Pipick.
“People look to the lottery to get back to where they were financially.”
“With lottery sales at record setting sales levels – and financially strapped folks spending their kids food money to win state lotteries with astronomically ridiculous odds:

It is now only a matter of time before they will start selling their children.”

Dr. Pipick continued; “I mean – there is a better chance that Paris Hilton will crawl into some fat greasy redneck’s trailer and give him a blow job - than winning the ‘Lollapalooza Twenty Thousand Jackpot Ticket’ -- from the local market”

“I mean - his porky wife has a better chance of Antonio Banderas jumping her in the Walmart parking lot - than winning at one of these ridiculous marketing scams.”

“And - his redneck kids have a better chance – statistically - of getting into Harvard – or winning a Nobel Prize - than winning the ‘Fifty Thousand Dollar Jesus Loves You’ scratch off - at the local Stuckeys.”

“This indicates total FINANCIAL desperation on the part of many Americans!”

Pipick went on; “There is a huge market in the selling of children in all of the third world countries - and a lot of folks in The United States feel just as desperate about not being able to feed their shopping frenzies - to buy some gas or beer – or some other cheap shit, - as starving folks in Calcutta do about getting a tiny bowl of rice.”

“Hey” – he concluded – “I might just buy a lottery ticket to win a blow job from Paris Hilton?”

Bishop Slices off Nuts In Papal Protest of Sodomizing Children Epidemic

Screaming  - "Please God let's women become Priests! so we can stop fucking children!  -AND God Fuck the Pope!"........

Bishop Tuchy O Feely -better known affectionately to his young Altar and Choir boys as Father (Oh! Oh! Oh!) Feely - as he cornholed them out of sexual frustration and in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.


Cardinal Rocco Antonuchi - speaking on behalf of the Pope said  in the Vatican today: "It's a sada day whena one of our besta Bishops cutsa his balls off because he cannota get his a rocks off."


He concluded; "I hopa the Popa changes hisa minda about letting woman become Priests because not ALL the cornholing being dona to the kidsa is by Homo Priests!"


The Cardinal concluded: "We gotta stop corholing all these littla children even if we have to castrate the whole Priesthood -starting with The Popa if he doesn't come to his senses!"


AMEN

"Studsy The Queer Bull" first ANIMATED film for Gay Children from Dreamworks

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks announced; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film for gay Children !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a MALE Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a humanoid version of Studsy

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and  identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull corn holing every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one  another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our  children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero

Eustace Conway to Cornhole a Grizzly in " Extreme Gay Mountain Men"

New wilderness series   Extreme GAY Mountain Men debuts May 31 at 10p on HISTORY.  The eight-episode series follows Eustace Conway, who has lived more than 25 years off the land in North Carolina's Blue Ridge Mountains and other mountain men who have chosen to live off the grid and follow a GAY wilderness lifestyle.  


Conway does his own lumbering, tanning and blacksmithing and lives primarily on what he can grow, fish or hunt OR STEAL.  The series also profiles Tom Oar who lives on the Yaak River in Montana and Marty Meierotto who lives in the northern range of Alaska AND we will see plenty of Brokeback Mountain cornholing  - wilderness style.


In one scene we see Conway and Tom and Marty lined up humping Wild Mountain Sheep holding on to their horns as they try to buck free.


"My goal is to cornhole a Grizzly!" said Conway -but i'll settle for Tom and Marty while forging a raging River  anyday -heh heh"


"It is a very unique way to communicate with the Natural World and we know our History audience will be very engaged with this program" said Conrad Dickle - VP programming at The History Channel