Ever Think About The earth's FIRST Mother?

Who Was the First Mother?

IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).

To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."

And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen please shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!

The Digibandit

"Corned Beef on Wry"

Ted Nugent Shocks NRA At Convention! "I am Gay AND I Hate Guns!" - Wayne La Pierre has Heart Attack!

  Ted Nugent SHOCKS crowd on final day of NRA convention -"I am Gay! -AND I HATE Guns and Killing Animals!"

 "it's all been an act to prove i'm manly"

Nugent shocked the crowd -before being dragged off the stage -by saying how gun nuts are mostly sexually repressed white men who are scared and insecure and paranoid about their manhood.

 

HOUSTON - As the final speaker at the National Rifle Association convention in downtown Houston, legendary guitarist and 2nd Amendment rock star Ted Nugent implored an enthusiastic crowd "to throw away their guns and embrace peace and enlightenment."

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At this point Wayne La Pierre -the NRA honcho had to be put on oxygen and escorted from The Hall  -he was screaming:

"Nugent is a faggot and Gun Hater -oh my god -oh my god -i hope he has AIDS!"

 

Fat Unhealthy - Lazy - Smokers and Boozers - No More Medical Subsidies

Why Should Government Health Care Cover Fat Self Abusing Morons?

  The Price is Right -family outing

  Why should insurance companies/health providers pay out hundreds of billions of dollars for medical deficiencies that are a direct result of Obesity - Poor Nutrition - Excessive Alcohol Consumption - Smoking and all undisciplined life style behaviors with absolute direct statistical links to Heart and Mental Disease and Diabetes and Lung Cancer!

   Why  should  Government pay for illness which directly ensue from the weak self determined choices of folks who just want to act like pigs?

 

Why should insurance premiums be escalated to the point of being unaffordable by average hard working Americans while  gross undisciplined rednecks abuse themselves and their kids?

 

  AND - no more Government payments or charity or emergency room care for all those other overweight fast food addicted and alcohol guzzling and cigarette smoking Christian Conservatives (among others) who don't give a crap about their health and have high rates of heart and lung disease (and mostly obese children)

  OH -and Jesus was thin and active and had a glass of Goat milk and some figs (for constipation) every day. -And he didn't booze or smoke!

 

The Digibandit

"Corned Beef on Wry"

Pray for a Blow Job -It's National Prayer Day - God knows!

http://digibandito.com/1/post/2013/05/pray-for-a-great-blow-job-today-is-national-prayer-day.html

And all you Christian Bible Thumpers who hallucinate with daily prayer -today you can get cured by praying for a great blow job instead

God Knows!

Abortions Create Energy -Save The Earth - UTEROIL ENERGY Announced - From Fetus"

Uteroil - Energy Created from Aborted Fetus' and Placentas - Will Save The World

 Placent Ready for Uteroil processing

The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.

"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."
He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."

"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.

He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"

President Obama said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"

 shoulda been made into Uteroil

When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."
"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."

Uteroil could send us back into Tents

As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."

Too late!

The Digibandit

"Corned Beef on Wry"

FIRST Animated Film for Gay Children - From Dreamworks

DreamWorks Announces 'StudsyThe Queer Bull" Animation for Gay Kids

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks announced; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film for gay Children !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a MALE Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a humanoid version of Studsy

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and  identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

 Studsy Is OUR Hero

Spielberg added, “ Now you have got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull corn holing every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one  another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our  children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’.

And  Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero.

The Digibandit

"Corned Beef on Wry"

TLC - Home of Learning Announces - "I Sucked A Saudi's Cock For Big Bucks"

TLC is seeking young unmarried teens (or even some married  pregnant teens) who would like to marry a rich Saudi Arabian for a cable network show 

AND would be willing to blow them and have Anal Sex in an audition for a new Reality Show on The Learning Channel

"I Sucked a Saudi's Cock for Big Bucks"

If interested email tlccasting@gmail.com and include a bio of with names, ages, occupations and city of residence.

Hot NEW Google App! - "The Lust Alert" - from Android

*Now  below is the scientific definition of a pheromone -simply put as it relates to this new Google App -it will tell you how how hot and horny your date is  by detecting their sexual hormonal responses to you.

Simply put -'The Lust Detector Android App. allows you to evaluate the level of 'LUST" you are generating from your object of desire -and when the "Lust Alert" goes off -well - you know as the the Parrot squawked in the bedroom.

"Someone is Gonna Get Laid!"

 The term "pheromone" was introduced by Peter Karlson and Martin Lüscher in 1959, based on the Greek word pherein (to transport) and hormone (to stimulate). They are also sometimes classified as ecto-hormones. They were researched earlier by various scientists, including Jean-Henri Fabre, Joseph A. Lintner, Adolph Butenandt, and the prominent ethologist Karl von Frisch who called them various names like "alarm substances." These chemical messengers are transported outside of the body and result in a direct developmental effect on hormone levels or behavioral change.^[3] They proposed the term to describe chemical signals from conspecifics that elicit innate behaviors soon after the German Biochemist Adolf Butenandt characterized the first such chemical, bombykol (a chemically well-characterized pheromone released by the female silkworm to attract mates).^[4]

Willie Robertson announces " Pussy Call Commander" - "Drives Women Wild!"

The company is still very much all in the family, with roughly 80 percent of its employees being related one way or another to the Robertson clan. Jase Robertson, another one of Phil and Kay's sons, also hand-makes duck calls for the company.

"I try to produce the sounds of the ducks I have heard in my ears, into this call. That's what I do all day long," he said. 

" SO - one day Willie says to me me -Jase-Can You make a Pussy Callcommander?"

'Well -i said -a duck call ain't nothin but a mating call which makes ducks wet and horny so why not just apply that to women!"

 Mona Raye

"Well i made one and we tested it out on Mona Raye and she went clear over to Elmo Plunkett's Cabin and almost tore his dick off! -And you know he ain't been laid since he raped that Jew from up North ten years ago -and he is so ugly he has to Rape his Barn Animals. "

  Willie announced today: "Well suffice it to say Jase made em and we did a lot of testing (hehheh) AND that any man -even a fat disgusting redneck -  can get women as fired up as a Mallard in heat.

I WOULD BLOW A SQUIRREL WHEN I HEAR THAT PUSSY CALL COMMANDER

Willie continued;"And i mean ready to suck the chrome off a trailer hitch! with this new HUMAN female duck call 

 

and A&E is gonna show ya's all how it comes out in the fall on "Pussy Call Commander"

 "It's gonna revolutionize Sex AND Television!"

Senator Rand Paul says "Rape is a Libertarian Issue" - Tell's Obama - Stay Out of It!

Wayne La Pierre "All Joggers should Carry Guns"

 guns would have stopped bombers

Wayne (La Puke)la Pierre head gun nut and moron of The NRA announced today:

'All those runners AND all the spectators should have been strapped! -if they were wearing guns the bombers would have been kilt!"

 Pig Eye Martin Exec VP NRA West Virginia

Maybe The NRA should sponsor a Marathon with all gun nuts -all armed -problem is not enough NRA members who can run much farther than the local bar.

Oh and all their Women gun nuts are home watchin "The Price is Right" snackin

Media Must Stop Coddling Muslims! - The Islamic Religion is Dangerous! The Koran is Dangerous! -Wake The Fuck Up!

WHERE is The Outrage against the Infidel haters among all those kind and loving Moslem Neighbors of ours?

New York: The Boston Marathon bombing suspect, who was killed in a shootout with the police, was reportedly a fan of a radical Australian Muslim cleric, who despises Harry Potter and preaches that rape victims only have themselves to blame.

The suspect, Tamerlan Tsarnaev, had posted a YouTube video of a 2007 British documentary called ' Undercover Mosque’, which shows the cleric Sheik Feiz Mohammad encouraging children to have a zeal for jihad and become martyrs for Islam, the New York Post reports. 

 the fact is that Moslems follow a Violent and Viscious theosophy that lends itself to death worship and anti infidel exploitation in the hands of their maniacal priests and leaders it's time to stop making apologies for all the "Good Muslims" who sit around blandly in America doing nothing about their radical brethren 

 they don't even protest against these outrages when they happen!