Excessive Masturbation Affects Troop Performance

Extremely horny American servicemen in Iraq are ; "beatin their meat so much they can't move as fast as they should -- it's difficult when you are chafed and raw and it's not like their wearing designer briefs, and the heat and the sand on top of that -- i'm amazed they can even walk at all", said General Petrayus at a Pentagon briefing with the President yesterday.

"This is the first war in US history where a soldier can't go out and get some local pussy or go to a whore house". -- "The Mullahs keep all the pussy to themselves and don't allow any sex and even if you could find a loose Iraqi women she'd look like your grandmother covered with a black tent" -- He further stated "No wonder these insurgents are so nuts -- they haven't gotten laid since their wedding night".

Asked by the President whether our female troopers couldn't pick up the slack; the General stated: "Hell theyr'e working overtime! Some of them are so bow legged that they waddle around like ducks and most of them just service each other."

Dog Killings In Iraq Rally America Behind Bush

Blow up a school full of children ? -- Murder a bus load of aid workers?
Behead a Brigade of Marines? -- Rivers of Sunni and Shiite Blood?

BUT - start slaughtering the Iraqi dog population?

Defense Secretary William Gates announced today: "Non sectarian violence has now spread to pets and their are numerous reports of Sunnis beheading Shiite dogs -- God knows how widespread these animal attacks will become?"

The percentage of Americans supporting the war "surged" 20% on this news and President Bush ,holding his dog Barney in his arms said with tears in his eyes "Now ,at last, the American people know what wer'e fighting for."

USA Entertainment Industry To The Rescue

Steven Spielberg, addressing a group of leaders in the Entertainment industry summed up their mission and conference objective:

"We will use all our acquired skills in manipulating people to stare at TV and Computer and Game screens for over forty hour a week --- to bring about world peace -- starting in Iraq!"

"Our first mission --using the illusionary magic skills of David Blackstone will be to project a life like image of the Prophet Mohammad in the sky over Baghdad,where he will proclaim to his followers that suicide bombing and the killing of innocents is absolutely prohibited by the Koran "


Mohammad will proclaim "there are sixteen hundred and fifty four Muslims who sit in boiling pig fat 24/7 -- who thought they would be boffing Virgins in Paradise -- are you fucking nuts? -- Read my words! -- wWHERE does it say you are too act like deranged and cruel slaughtering monkeys in the name of Allah?"

Spielberg , in closing said "Mohammad is really pissed and wer'e going to help him get the message out'' and as a matter of fact who else would the wise Prophet turn too in helping his people -- than the Jews in Hollywood (irony worthy of Woody Allen),

Casting for the Voice of Mohammad -- i vote for Robin Williams -- You?

Famous Comic starts Iraqui Tour

Ascerbic satirist George Carlin is headed for Baghdad -- and not to entertain the troops:

" My objective is to poke fun at the whole ridiculous Sunni/Shiite hatred thing. You gotta know these poor bastards are miserable; they have sweaty unsanitary sex with a pile of rags ( you know that Burkhah schmata which is their women's version of Victoria's Secrets) -- no jobs and no money and they drink twenty cups of coffee a day --and they all have bombs and guns"

he went on; "illiterate -- always hungry -- no toilet paper and their revered Religious leaders tell them they can enter Paradise by blowing up people! So what's a guy to do?"

"Their kids stink and have flies in their eyes and sores on their asses and they cry constantly -- no water or electricity, and the poor schmucks don't even drink or get high "

"What they need are some Comedy Clubs and some laughs and iv'e got some grant money from GW" He told me "George, you crack Laura and me up -- i want you to go to Iraq and see if you can make some attitude adjustments with your humor.

"Wish me luck -- i think i'll start out with "So Mohammed walks into a bar and an old jew says......"

Local Shark Hunter Loses His Head

Well -- that's one for the good guys!

Why don't these hunters just stick to beatin on their wives and kids?

Hillary Goes Ape

Hillary Clinton was overheard,during a private conversation with Dr. Howard Dean head of the National Democratic Committee -- saying that Barak Obama was very talented but that he resembled a Chimpanzee :

"American's will not elect a President that looks like he could be hanging
from a tree branch", she said.

Dr. Dean was heard to reply after great laughter "Yep - American's are more concerned wih looks than substance" and then he went on "hoo hoo hoo eee ee e " and jumped up and down and Hillary was laughing her ass off -- said the undercover Bandit reporter.

VP Cheney A Stooge Relative

Well, it comes as no surprise to anyone who has followed Dick Cheney's performance as Vice President -- The Bandit has learned that he is the nephew of the famous Three Stooge's member-- -- "Curly"

President Bush said "I knew he reminded me of someone -- i am a big fan of The Stooges".

Ex Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld and a Cheney pal said "Yep -- as a matter of fact when i was younger and had lot's of hair i strongly resembled Mo ".

So there you have it -- Bush Rumsfeld and Cheney -- the Three Stooges of American foreign policy!

Oxycotin Gets Rush Limbaugh In Cotton

The Bandit has learned that rabid conservative Mullah, Rush Limbaugh, made love to one of his prize sheep, in the barn, on his farm in Pennsylvania.

Clem Manure, farm manager said "his addiction to Oxycotin has taken over his mind -- he was plowing Cotton and he kept screaming "take it Laura you slut" -- referring to Laura Ingram his kinky conservative colleague"

Clem came forward because he is an animal activist and said that: "Dolly is so embarrased she has stopped grazing -- she won't come out of her stall -- plus there's the rest of the herd to think about."

Shawn Hannity , a Limbaugh lover said on Fox news this morning : "What's the big deal? -- it was a mature sheep and she probably asked for it."

Japanese Woman Gives Birth To Giant Squid

In another horrible example of the dramatic and disastrous changes taking place in the environment:

"Shinsuji Takamashaya gave birth to a twenty pound Giant Squid on the tiny Japanese atoll of Fonguyutu" - said Doctor Myashkenazi, an internist and genetic biologist with Japan's National Institute of Eco and Womb Research.

The human squid is considered to be sent by the God's in Taost tradition and will be reared by Japanese Monks in a sacred salt water tank .

Japan's Royal Monarch decreed an end to Whale hunting saying " This birth is a sign from the Nature Gods -- they are clearly pissed and we do not need to see a generation of human sushi appear in Japan."

Pat Robertson said " It's God's punishment of a pagan people who do not believe in our Jesus."

PS -- TheSquid's father was last seen rowing out to Sea and cannot be found -- he left a note; " How can i be a father to a Giant Squid?"

Osama Eats Stooly And is Feeling Mellow

A Pakistani tribal chieftain found a box of stool softners, dropped by an Apache helicoptor , in his remote mountain headquarters and brought it to Osama who he knew was very ungashtupped (backed up ) and in extreme distress from not taking a decent dump since Tora Bora.

"Osama took such a giant shit that he started a landslide -- he was laughing and dancing and the whole village was quite merry -- they ran around firing their guns in the air and began ripping the Bhurkas off the women and going moofki poofki with them "

"And then he went in his tent with his favorite goat and there where many pleasant noises".

Ahmadinijahd Gives Up Nuclear Program After Taking Dump

Iranian's demented and rabid American hater and Holocaust denyer said today in Teheran:

"Allah forgive me for my past blind hatred towards America and the Jews -- i was so ungershtupped (constipated) i could not see straight -- but after eating three American stooly softeners that they where kind enough to drop over our constipated land -- i feel great and have booked a trip to Las Vegas".

"And who needs Nuclear Bombs ?" -- " Please, send more stoolies! -- I only want ,now, to make a shit bomb."

Arab Muslims are Constipated says New Study

A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixt -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.

"Dr Moishe Pipick stated " these folks are really ungershtupped (stuffed up ) -- and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your behavior, and more importantly the attitude and actions of their violent Religious leaders who are already very ungershtupped, and in a culture where most people believe their bullshit (oops) to begin with."

President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region ".

Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."

Bush Sentences FEMA employees to Hard Time in New Orleans

President Bush announced,in his State of The Union address last night,that to finally make FEMA accountable for it's disastrous and ongoing mishandling of the New Orleans disaster -- that:

"You will all be moved to trailors in devastated areas of the city, so you can work in the same conditions that you helped create." He went on:

"Henceforth you will be called 'The Federal Mismanagement Agency'

"And any Agency member trying to escape will be prosecuted"

New Study Finds That Hunters Have Shorter Penis'

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife.

"Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the susequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled .us" said Mathew Pinsker,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).

RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete "Manhood"


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Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq

The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce,in his Sate of The Union address ,that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:

"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya .for example. -- They are small but tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq".

'I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos heh! heh!) and VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers "

Fox Announces "Witch Doctors" a Reality Competition

"the next big thing in reality programs will be 'Voodoo Reality' and the audience will love it" said Moishe Pipick,Fox head of alternative reality programming at the NATPE convention in las Vegas.

Terminally ill patients will be brought to a v illage in the remote Burundi Highlands in Africa,where Witch Doctors will compete to cure a group of hopeless patients and restore thir health.

There will be Judging and prizes and internet voting -- if a patient should not respond and die,his family will receive a cash award.

Ideas for hosts may be posted to mailto:digibandit@blogspot.comor at What Sucks.blogspot.com

Elderly Women Break Walking Record

Barbara Lurie and Berta Munchengrappen have broken the long distance Jewish Women walking record in the over 85 category.

National Jewish Women's walking director,Mollie Ginsberg stated today :

"Relying on an exclusive diet of kosher pickles and stuffed cabbage,they walked 50 miles (25 times around the perimeter of Century Village in West Palm Beach Florida) in 12 hours and 22 minutes. -- they are a model of strength and fortitude for all of us".

The women in accepting their award said they where in a hurry to get to a Mahjong game but sent regards to their Grandchildren "who never call us -- so we keep busy by walking"

Asked how they would spend their award money:

Berta said she would get a hearing aid and Barbara said "What".

3D Artist's Totally Amazing Adventure

Sir Vasco De Gama, descendent of the famous Portuguese explorer who circumnavigated the globe in 1672, announced today,at the Explorer's Club in NYC, that Lee Nelson (an award winning animator) had circled the world in a tiny outboard motorboat (9 feet long with a 25 horsepower ancient evinrude motor) he had rented on Catalina Island off the coast of his home in Hollywood.

"It is a triumph of the human spirit and ranks with the greatest exploration achievements in History."

In accepting the Legion Of Explorer's medal, Mr. Nelson stated:

" wow -- i dropped my Swedish hottie off at the dock because she was being an asshole and i got lost in the fog -- and i just kept going -- kinda like Columbus dude."

He went on to say that "sponsorship opportunitiea where rolling in,and a new challenge was forthcoming"

When asked about the best part of his achievement he said "the babes,dude"

Exclusive From The Bandit -- Dwarfs and Pigs to Join forces In Iraq

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:

Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"

One Half Hour Ago

White House spokesman Tony Snow announced this morning that the President will not be going to serve in a front line combat unit in Iraq.

To charges from the Democrats that he "turned yellow"--- Mr. Snow responded " Our top Military leaders finally convinced him that if captured and tortured ,the President would give away high level strategic information -- jeapordizing National security.

The President had maintained that being tortured by liberal Democrats for the past six years had prepared him for anything the terrorists could administer.

Ted Kennedy ,speaking for the Democrats said " He doesn't even remember what he had for breakfast let alone any high level intelligence -- he 's just chicken ".