NRA Say's White Students Should Carry Guns

Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"

He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."

Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."

"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.

Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).

And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?

Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times

The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit. "It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.

Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from idealogues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).

All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).

So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?

Any recommendations?

Bill O'Reilly Has Sex With Manatee In Florida River

A fisherman who was walking along the banks of the Manatee river in central Florida wandered onto the secluded estate where Bill O'reilly was vacationing. Irving Mandelbaum, a resident of nearbye Bumfuck Rapids,said; "I heard strange sounds coming from the river up ahead -- wild moaning and a lot of splashing and when i came around the bend i could hardly believe my eyes! -- There in the middle of a shallow pool in the river was Mr. O'Reilly butt humping a large Manatee!"

Mr. Mandelbaum told the bandit reporter that he was aware that the Manatee's are gentle creatures and also endangered and he could plainly see that the Manatee which Bill O'reilly was raping and sodomizing was in great distress. "O'Reilly kept trying to kiss it and he was pulling on it's whiskers as he thrust into her , and the Manatee was crying out and O'Reilly kept screaming -- "Shut up you Manatee bitch!' -- so i called the local game warden."

Ranger Elmer Woodcock said; "The saddest thing of all is that the Manatee turned out to be a young male -- this may be the first recorded incidence of male to male sex betweeen a human and a Manatee." He continued; "O'Reilly's close friend Rush Limbaugh, a frequent visitor to his estate,was caught red handed humping a female Manatee last summer during the manatee mating season; but was let off with a warning because he was blitzed on Oxycotin and agreed to enter rehab."

"So this Manatee humping thing on O'reilly's river property been going on for quite some time?", asked the reporter. "Sure has!" said the Ranger; "we have picked up almost a dozen of these sensitive creatures,dazed and disoriented, and swimming around O'Reilly's property -- and we think several are pregnant with his and Limbaughs babies."

Bill O'reilly and Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment --seems thay are really quiet when it comes to their strangely non-conservative sex lives.

Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope

In an amazing revelation from Pope Benedick in the vatican yesterday; he asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; "Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatz asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's; and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?" -- "Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just got finished sticking hisa cock into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell,prior to his confession -- now what will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and find, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will have a fresh start with Goda."

'But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's gospel." The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- happy Easter."

Jesus Will Spend Easter Shacked Up With Anna Nicole Smith

Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.

Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"

"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and Rachel Ray --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."

He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."

Pope Does Not Believe In God Say's Priest

The Pope was overheard speaking to his assistant ,Cardinal Martini Bormano,by a young Priest who revealed the astonishing conversation to our Vatican reporter Mario Fanguli.

He said; “The Pope when questioned by the Cardinal about taking a strong moral stand and expressing outrage at the slaughter of innocents in Iraq got quite worked up and told him.” -- “You shutta your fuckina face -- you saw how crazy those murdering Muslim bastards gotta when I criticized them. Do you think I wanta to be traveling along on the Popamobile and be blown to bitsa --you fucking moron!”

“But your Holiness” the Cardinal then replied; “What about the moral authority of the Church,and if you are blowna to bitsa you will surely go straighta to be with Goda and Jesus in heaven for all Eternity.”

The Pope replied,said the the young Priest, “And I could hardly believea my ears.” He said, “Are you a fuckina crazy Martini?” he went on, “ If the Churcha remaind silent while the Nazi’s slaughtered six milliona Kikas, do you think I’ma gonna geta blown to shit over a few desert niggers? -- and,do you thinka I buy all that bullshita about the Saviour and Heaven and a Santa Clausa God with a a biga white beard -- do I look like a fucking idiot?”

He continued as the shocked Cardinal wept like a baby; “Stopa you blubbering you faggot -- I knowa whata you do with those little Altar boys -- so donta preacha to me while you are cornholing halfa the Vatican! -- hey it’s a nice fairy tale ( oopsa a pun) all this Bible bullshit, but itsa definitely not worth getting blowna to bitsa over.”
The Cardinal shot himself and that’s show business.

America Should Out -Source Parenting Say's New Study

Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today: "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."

American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !

He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."

" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."

Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "

"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"

The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics  would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.

Fox Announces ""Resurrection" Fake Death Reality Show

Mike Darnhell,President of Fox TV announced a revolutionary new Reality program in which families will be informed that a close member of that family -- has died!

"Here's an example of how it worked -we have of course already shot thirteen episodes before the joke got around --haha " He continued; "The wife gets a phone call(from our producer) --so sorry Mrs. Crotchrot, this is the LA Medical Examiner's office and we have some terrible news for you --your husband Benjamin is dead! -- Be calm my dear -- he's with God at this very moment --no it won't be necessary for you to identify the remains because there are no remains --- now calm down Maa'm and let me explain. Your husband was identified from DNA samples in a tooth from the Great Whie Shark that ate him which we found washed up on the Malibu beach -- it was stuck in a piece of Mr. Crotchrot's skull. --oh please stop screaming --think of him with Jesus now--playing Golf. --Please stop crying -- okay so think of him with Moses and Abraham, playing Pinochle"

"Well you get the picture." he went on: " So we cover all the family trauma and do a bunch of backstories on the family and the deceased --we get the kids involved and the neighbors and the Clergy and the funeral is fabulous --we bring in some gospel r&b talent from "American Idol" (ooh Lordy Jesus ooh ooh uh uh) monkey music crapola -- or a Rabbi with a violin, or Matsinyahu (manishtinoye hazeh oye yoy yoy voy) the Hebey histrionics -- and the tears flow like Evian and people moan and cry and faint and throw themselves on the casket -- You know! -- the whole reality shtick that the moronic viewers eat up like shit candy."

"But"Mike continued; at least this program has a happy ending and a moral point of view -- when Mr.Crotchrot jumps out of the casket --not only is their wild relief (ah yes - dissapointment in some cases) -but it really demonstrates what's important in life in a clear and sobering fashion -- a real wake-up call! -- and -- it offers hope to folks who have been informed of sudden deaths in their families -- who can now hope and pray that thay will pop up at their funeral as part of a television hoax?

Our Reporter asked; "You think that justifies your faking someone's death --scaring loved ones out of their minds with grief -- the shock and trauma and long lasting impact on the children?" -- "Now just hold on right there Miss Gullible. There have only been two heart attacks and one stroke so far,and the children spend half their lives with digital baby sitters that make this show look like "Little House On The Prairie".

"And besides -- who gives a fuck -- it's Television --you don't like it --turn it the fuck off. "

Tony Snow Rats Out Cheney and Rumsfeld As Viscious Murderers

White House Press Secretary,Tony Snow,after finding out that he has liver cancer yesterday.decided to come clean,and share his knowledge of what he has discovered about the Bush administration - "A Confession," as he put it.

He stated,"The American people have a right to know what a sleazy bunch of egomaniacal pricks and patological killers this bunch is! -- and let me first of all start out with quite a shocker! -- The President told me two weeks ago when i asked him if it wasn't time to admit that the Iraqui situation is hopeless"

"Tony" he said, "i would have pulled out long ago -- but Cheney and Rumsfeld told me straight out -- Mr. President, if you pull the plug on Iraq,we will have your wife and daughters tortured and raped and then burned alive after we force them to eat Barney -- then we will drown your Mother and Father in the icy waters up there in Maine,after first forcing Barbara to blow us -- then we will poison your brother Jeb and his whole family -- then we will violate and dismember Condi Rice -then we will take your best friend Karl Rove and cut out his tongue and pour gasoline down his throat and set it on fire- then we will skin alive your spik buddy,Attorney General Gonzales, and then we will sodomize Harriet Meyers and disembowel her --and we will make the whole thing look like Iraqi fanaticks did it."

I said,"Mr. President, they could never get away with it." and he replied, "Tony, they have killed and dislocated millions of helpless Iraquis with the way they fucked up this war -- and countless numbers of our own soldiers -killed and maimed for life. And the money,Tony, -- the money thats been wasted and the pockets that have been lined and Tony -- the Oil -these folks have so much blood on their hands and so much at stake --do you think their worried about a few more casualties?"

When reached for comment -- The President and Vice President and ex Defense Secretary Rumsfeld said basically the same thing; "Poor Tony The cancer has eaten his brains away,"

Arab Muslims are Constipated - Bush To Drop Stool Softeners

A study designed to analyze the roots of violence in the Arab Muslim World has concluded that sixty -nine percent of this group suffer from extreme constipation.Dr Moishe Pipick ,Chief Proctologist for The Center for Stool Physics, in Israel stated: "These Folks are really backed up! Some of them have never taken a good dump, and you don't have to be a Rocket Scientist to know how that can affect your attitude."

"And the Religious leaders ,who are fucking nuts to begin with -- and who don't drink or do drugs; and whose women look like human hefty bags,and they can't even take a decent shit?" -- "Oye vey!" said Dr.Steven Marks,prominent Israeli Vulcanologist."If they all shit at once -- it will be a seismic event!"

President Bush responded by saying: "If taking a good dump will help these folks chill out then lets drop a whole shit-load (forgive the pun) of Stooly Softeners on the Region. "Tom Friedman,reknowned columnist for The New York Times and respected authority on the Middle East said: "So that's it! - iv'e spent twenty five years trying to analyze and figure out what's wrong with these people and here we have it,and now it makes perfect sense -- they just need to take a good shit -- especially the Mullahs."

Katie Couric to Become First News Dummy

With her news ratings in the toilet--- Les Moonbeam,Prexy of CBS,and the brainchild behind paying Couric twenty mill to exit the Today Show and bring ratings gold to The CBS Evening News -- especially among younger viewers -- made a revolutionary announcement today -- and one with far reaching implications for the future of Television News anchoring and field reporting.

He said; “our research is conclusive -- the younger male audience,which we seek, loves many things about Katie’s performance as a professional news anchor. They love her tits -- her legs and feet,and even her face and hair -- but -- they hate her voice! Focus groups consistently described her voice as squirrel-like chattering.”

He went on; “ So – the voice has to go,and beginning next month we will dub another more attractive voice over Ms. Couric’s! -- One that will appeal perfectly to our target audience.”

“But won’t that make her like a Dummy?” -- our reporter asked Mr.Moonbeam. -- He replied; “Ha Ha -- A ventriloquists Dummy! -- hey I like that! -- kinda like Charlie McCarthy -- but your too young to remember the great Ventriloquist Edgar Bergen and his famous Dummy.”

“So –what kind of voices are you looking for,said the bandit reporter?” -- Well,some research suggests a strong voice with lot’s of recognition and credibility -- say , like, Bea Arthur from the “Golden Girls”. But I personally like a strategy that our Entertainment Division came up with, which is to go with a hot super sexy voice -- you know – get those guys out there leaning in the right direction -- if you get my point? --ha ha a pun!”

‘We are auditioning phone sex operators around the country -- and I think this is a strategy that is so sure fire that wer’e gonna maybe add an additional killer twist to it -- like –we throw in some breaking stories with some real hotties in them.” -- “Like how?” asked the bandit reporter. “Well, lets say wer’e on an Iraqui story,and we show a bunch of female soldiers off duty -- lounging around the Green Zone in bikinis -- and just as the camera closes in on one with a great body -- Katie’s hot sex phone operator dubbed voice, say’s -- ‘wow that’s one tough Marine -- I’ll bet she can take a licking!’ -- “The guy’s will be jerking off to the CBS Evening News by the time wer’e through with them.” – said Les.

Asked if he was concerned about the FCC --especially after getting heavily fined over the Janet Jackson fiasco? He concluded; “Hey -- this is different -- wer’e talking The News!”

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids

Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .

ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!

And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "

He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"

President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."

Battle Dwarfs To Move Into Baghdad "Splurge"

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).

Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)

"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."

Israel To Put Birth Control Agent In Arab Water

Dr.Moishe Pipick. -- Minister of The Israeli Experimental Defense Agency -- responded to a leaked and classified initiative by his agency to stop the out of control birth rate in the Arab world:

"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?

He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."

"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"

Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:

And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"

He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.

"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )

However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.

The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.

Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"

Kirstie Alley Gives Birth To Twenty Pound Black Baby Boy

The wide hipped -- georgous earthmother/actor -- best known for her battles with the bulge -- gave birth to a twenty pound black baby in Lenox Hill hospital in New York City last night. ( so now we know what those extra wide skirts were concealing).

Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."

The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"

Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."

He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"

St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking

"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.

"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"

The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."

The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!

Pope Caught Masturbating In A Vatican Confessional Chamber

In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outside the pussy he explained) --are sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!

Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.

The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?

The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."