Troops In Iraq Are Horniest Soldiers In History

Throughout the history of warfare (man's favorite pastime) and especially American history, one of the major incentives for soldiers was the availability of pussy.

Mostly through raping and pillaging of innocent civilians; or in the case of American soldiers -- mainly through the conversion of "downtown" civilian centers into giant sex gambling and drug palaces. (think Saigon or Tijuana with soldiers --or a lawless las Vegas).

Marine captain Irwin Mandelbaum, a thirty year veteran said;"You don't mind taking your chances on getting your brains blown out if your gonna get your dick blown out on your pass time!" He continued; "there is no pussy in Iraq for our boy's and it's affecting their performance! - weapon accuracy is down thirty to forty percent. -- did you ever try to fire a high powered weapon with a giant hard-on?"

He explained; "The Muslims don't allow sexual contact with their women unless it's behind closed doors with their children watching and screaming while they line up their wives and cornhole one after another with those burlap things draped over their greasy heads." -- "It's their religion and they take it quite seriously," said the Captain.

He went on; "The worst thing is that there's so many homo's in the ranks these days --both men and women --that the straight soldiers haven't got a chance; and it ain't like the good old days when you could just go down to the infirmary, if you couldn't get a pass, and date rape some fat ugly nurse."

He pleaded;"If you gals back home want to do something for the war effort -- stop sending my horny troopers candy bars and get your pussies over here and give my boy's some real candy -- hell! - I've seen boy's in the field after a night of pussy and they'll got out into the scariest situations and blow them sand niggers to smithereens!"

The bandit war correspondent said;"You know Captain Mandelbaum --you make a great spokesman for the Marines and the troops under your command --you should make a video and put it on You Tube and I'll bet you'll have women calling the state department and volunteering to relieve your soldiers."

"Great idea son! -- and i'll personally guarantee that these little ladies won't be goin home to their soft civilians so fast --when they get the high hard one up the chute from a Marine!"

One last question Captain;"How do you solve your personal pussy dilemma? He replied; "Don't ask -- don't tell!"

Apple To Add Fart Detector To New IPod

It's an amazing technological breakthrough,said Meyer Goldblatt, head of tech development worldwide for Apple. He explained; "We hired Dr. Moishe Pinsky away from the Defense Department last year. He had been working on the potential for cell phones to be used in chemical and biological attack warning systems and he took charge of the IPod Fart Detection Project; which we have been working on for five years --and he achieved the breakthrough we have been searching for!

"Working closely with Hymie Markowitz, our chief engineer in charge of global guidance systems,"Mr. Goldblatt said:"We, at Apple now have the ability to pinpoint with total accuracy the source of a silent but stinky fart!"

"Not only will the Ipod Fart Alert System instantly notify it's holder upon release of the fart wind; it will show the distance from the farter --the time it will take to reach them -- the level of smell and intensity-- and,of course, the farter's exact location. --as it say's in our ad campaign -- "You Blow -- You Show!"

"Musical Fart Ring alerts will be accessible from the complete ITunes music library and a whole new category of fart friendly tones will be available.Think of an Elephant blowing one at the local watering hole or a big juicy wet tone that sounds like someone definitely needs a change of underwear," said Rebecca Hornowitz, head of new market development for Mac worldwide. "We expect first year fart tones volume to exceed three- hundred million dollars!"

Dr.Milo Baumgarten, research head at Mac said; "So someone who thinks they can let one go and stink up the place will think twice about it starting next January. IPod Fart Detectors will be going off all over the place and the source of the emission will be pinpointed on the detector --accurate to within three inches." He concluded, "our research has consistently told us that fart detection is a major concern on the part of America's youth --it rates higher than politics and religion."

And the party and reception - held to announce this technological achievement to Wall Street --concluded with a song from Norah Jones:

Chorus
"Beans --beans --the musical fruit --the more you eat --the more you toot!"

Mac stock was up fifteen percent on the news -- there's gold in gas!

Some Chick Messed Up God --Really Bad!

Los Angeles Times -- today: "Gender issues nix interfaith soccer" -filed
from Times Wire Reports --Norway ;

"A soccer game between Muslim imams and Christian priests at the end of a conference in Oslo to promote interfaith dialogue was cancelled because the teams could not agree on whether women should take part.

A Church of Norway spokesman said the imams refused to play against a co-ed team because of their belief in avoiding physical contact with unrelated women. The Church decided to drop its female players'but the priests' team captain left in protest."

Imams and Priests! -- spiritual leaders and interpreters of the word of God for billions of faithful followers.

The Imams practice polygamy and believe that women should be partially seen and not heard unless their bent over a washtub with a dick in their hole - moaning! And the priests' think a twelve year old boy is a piece of ass (and no women priests allowed- of course.)

These imbalanced tyrants get their marching orders directly from God so as the old saying goes, "the fish stinks from the head down." -- And that means that God is a misogynist (women hater).

Some chick must have really fucked over God!I can just hear the conversation; "You know God, your'e a nice guy with a lot of power but it's just not happening for me," -- and God wails like a big pussy; "but-- but -- i love you --i need you -- i can give you everything! --please don't leave me!"

Standard chick reply; "Sorry God but i like you as a friend but not in That way! -- can't we just be friends." And God replies in what becomes 'The Religious Leader's Basic Guideline and Handbook for the Treatment of all Women" --- "You are all sluts and cannot be trusted and i fucking hate you --you rotten cunt -- no woman will ever get a chance to fuck me over again and i didn't love you anyway you filthy no good black hearted cunt bitch."

God got pussy whipped and now his team leaders are getting even. ( but Hillary Clinton - TheAvenging Warrior Queen -- will change all that!

'Neglect Your Kid's And Do Time" Say's Rudy Giuliani

Responding to all the liberal whining,in the wake of surging gang violence across the country; that poor folks have to work three jobs and aren't around for their kids and Bush has cut neighborhood programs so these poor neglected kids have nothing to do but rape mame and murder with their unsupervised time.

"Let me see if i understand?"said Rudy -- "Okay Mamacita," says the poor schmuck husband. We are so poor, and have no skills and have to work like dogs to barely survive -- hey, but i have a perfect solution! --let's lay down on the floor and fuck like rabbits and bring some kids into the world without any means to provide basic parenting (or even proper nutrition or security)"

"Ok folks -- i hate to bore you with the age old conservative 'personal responsibility' thing; but holy shit ! Are we fucking nuts! -- if you blatantly neglect your kids and they commit a crime, do to that neglect -- then you should do THEIR time!"

He continued; "If your poor lost and neglected kid climbs through a window and sticks his fourteen year old pecker into eighty year old becky Greenbaum; and then steals a car and terrorizes the hood with his fellow gang bangers to celebrate the event -- arrest the parents!"

Rudy went on to thunderous applause at a rally in LA; "There will never be enough cops and recreation centers and social workers and teachers to replace the responsibility every person has to take care of his own shit in a totally free and open society. - And there's a price tag! -- personal responsibility --or else!"

"And the liberals in Greenwich Connecticut and Pacific Palisades and Oak lawn et al. --will all be wimpering;" said Rudy "Oh that wop tyrant Giuliani -- he doesn't believe in attacking the root social causes and that Government should address these issues yadadadada."

'Bullshit " said Rudy, "i certainly do! -- but i reiterate; there will never be enough resources to ultimately stop the growing Army of neglected young psychopaths who are slowly headed for your rich enclaves; - to rape and sodomize your daughters at the local tennis club -- to eat your four thousand dollar cockapoos; and to shit in your swimming pools where your dead husbands will be floating around -- waiting for you to arrive from the spa so they can watch your landscapers fuck you to death and burn down your thirty thousand square foot --Ivory Tower."

"Did anyone see "Children of Men?' --he concluded.

Hillary To lead "No More Free Pussy" Crusade

Hillary The warrior Queen announced today; 'The world is divided into two basic groups.! --In the smaller but more advanced and powerful one; women have the right not to fuck men unless they want to.In the other group,ie. --all of Africa--The Muslim countries -- most of India - and most third world nations -- Men just fuck their women anytime they want to -- it's basically rape!"

Hillary went on;"In these countries where the gnorant male pigs treat women like beasts it permeates their whole society; starting with the fact that children see their mothers being terrorized and grow up into Amadinijahds or Mugabe's or just simple fucked up adult males.. The women in these countries contribute nothing to the culture -- in addition to becoming fucked up mothers -- and this deprives their culture of all their talent compassion and energy."

It's really quite simple, she explained; "I will lead the strong and independent women of the world in a Crusade, whose banner is ; 'No More Free Pussy'. The males in these barbaric countries will be forced to beg for their pussy just like the men in the free world do!

"No respect --no romance --no tenderness --no bling -- no work no equality - no oral sex -- no shared responsibility -- no hot water --then NO PUSSY! When these assholes have to behave like responsible humans they will get some SERIOUS LOVIN." said Clinton. ' And then these schmucks will put down their weapons and suicide religious crap and get jobs .When they realize that sex is not throwing a dirty Burkah over some beat up hag's head in a hot filthy room, with eight babies crying, and sticking his filthy bone up her hole for ten seconds; -- then things will start to change for the better. No wonder they are angry and incapable of social progress," said Hillary.

'Let me tell you; "If i didn't suck and fuck ole Willie dry every damn night he would make Attila The Hun look like Ghandi! -- and we will teach and lead the women of the world how to use the power of their pussies to change the world -- because there's "No More Free Pussy" --Anywhere!

Hillary Clinton -- Warrior Queen

Ancient queens and other women have led their people into battle since the beginning of time: Amazons, Queen Artemisia, Queen Boudicca, Queen Samsi, Queen Tomyris, Trung Sisters, Queen Zenobia,Queen Elizabeth --and let's not forget Golda Meir and Margaret Thatcher.

Throughout history, women warriors have fought and led troops into battle. This partial list of warrior queens and other women warriors runs from the legendary Amazons -- who may have been real warriors from the Steppes -- to the Syrian queen of Palmyra, Zenobia. Sadly, we know too little about most of these brave warrior women who stood up to the powerful male leaders of their day.

The Amazons are credited with helping the Trojans against the Greeks in the Trojan War. They are also said to have been fierce women archers who cut off a breast to aid them in shooting, but recent archaeological evidence suggests the Amazons were real, important, powerful, two-breasted, warrior women, possibly from the Steppes.

But get ready! -- Because Hillary Clinton will make them all look like pussies! --Did you see or hear her response to this question by Brian Williams during the debates last week? "What is your primary responsibility as President if we suffer a terrorist attack?" -- her answer; "Retaliate!"

I looked into her round cherubic face and steely blue eyes as she answered -- and i knew that this was a Warrior Queen who would cut off her breasts and take out her little suitcase with those targeting codes inside -- and soon after -- they are going to need a lot more room in Asshole Paradise.

This is a woman who get's into bed each night with a man who has more testosterone than a male bull shark! -- If she can handle Willie -- she's ready to be "Hillary Clinton --Warrior Queen of America."

More on this tomorrow.

Bob Jones University Creed -- Stolen From Bug's Bunny

Here is the Famous Christian University's Creed. They are an institution of higher learning that is a primary source of key personnel recruitment and wisdom for the Bush administration: (It definitely qualifies as an "Institution"-- as in Mental , and "Higher," as in tree-top)

If you substitute "Bug's Bunny" for any phrases with "God" or "Bible"; or the word "Carrot" for,"Resurrection" --"Virgin" --- or "Eternal Life"; you can quickly see why the Bush administration is so admired by thoughtful and intelligent folks around the Globe --and why projects and appointments like Iraq and Katrina and Harriet Meyers and Alberto Gonzales and sooo many other critical tasks turned out so well.

So here's the creed of Moron's (Not to be confused with Mormon's) --and the source of the Bush Administration's wisdom.

Each day in chapel we recite the University Creed. It is a concise statement of the most important truths taught in God's Word.
I believe in the inspiration of the Bible (both the Old and the New Testaments); the creation of man by the direct act of God; the incarnation and virgin birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ; His identification as the Son of God; His vicarious atonement for the sins of mankind by the shedding of His blood on the cross; the resurrection of His body from the tomb; His power to save men from sin; the new birth through the regeneration by the Holy Spirit; and the gift of eternal life by the grace of God.

Plays nice with 'Bug's Bunny" and his "Carrot" -- don't it?

Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings

An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:
"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"

He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda."

Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."

Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.

Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."

Congress To Vote On Rudy's Plan For High School Dropouts

Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."

"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."

"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways."

He added, "I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."

Dead Human Fetus' Great Source Of Fertilizer Says WTO

The World Trade Organization has discovered that fetal tissue is a cheap and wonderful source of plant fertilizer. Arnold Stang,head of agriculture for the WTO, whose objective is to discover new and efficient ways to raise crops and feed the growing number of people suffering from malnutrition in the world said: "We discovered that rural Chinese farmers who had aborted girl babies, following Chinese government birth control policy; were grinding up the fetus' and spreading them over their fields -- with amazing results! -- Fields cultivated with the "fetus soil" had a three hundred percent increase in harvest yields, and the villagers developed resistance to some fatal diseases."

He continued: "Their are over one-hundred million abortions in the world annually, and if we set up an effective manufacturing and distribution system to turn all those fetus' into fertilizer --we can solve world hunger in a flash! -- and from a moral point of view, those folks who might have some misgivings about abortion will know that their dead babies helped some poor starving souls to get proper nutrition."

Furthermore, he went on;" It's also conceivable that we could have the beginning of a whole new industry here! -- Poor people with no skills but who can breed like rabbits could be compensated for their aborted fetus.' -- It's estimated that a ground up fetus from the late second tri-mester weighing around two pounds can fertilize a four acre plot -- it's powerful stuff -- and that's significant crop coverage, and with no pesticides or carbon based fertilizer."

He said: "In the USA alone, there are over three million abortions a year that we know of -- hell. they could crank up that fetus production to ten times that amount with proper incentives just for the Black and Hispanic populations. They would make money -- climb out of poverty -- feed the world needy and have a fun time doing it. (a pun) -- It's a total win win situation!"

And the Supreme Court can't do a fucking thing about it! -- So throw away your condoms -- have a few cocktails -- and start producing some kick ass "Fetus Soil" fertilizer. --For fun and profit and the world's starving folks.

Alberto Gonzles Has Penile Dysfunction

Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)

Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because "He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys."

She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."

Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion. When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy",i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Virginia Tech Killer Had Tiny Penis Like Most NRA members

Cho Seung Hui, the "Mad Gook Killer Of Virginia Tech," fit the physical profile of the average NRA member said Shitburg,Virginia County coroner Mel Dungy."This gook had a very small penis and women were known to say to him during sex" -- "Oh please --not your finger -- use your penis."

Moishe Pipick, head of psychiatry at the Einstein Institute for Sexual Disturbances said; This is what probably drove him to madness and i think all hunters and handgun owners should be given psychiatric tests; and those "Gunners" (as we refer to them clinically), with penis' under the average of three inches for NRA members should have a warning symbol tatood on their thumbs and scrotums.

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife."Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the subsequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled us,"said Mathew Pinkowitz,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete manhood.

He concluded,"Unfortunately, there are a high percentage of "Gunners" among members of congress -- even among the female members -- who our studies indicate have huge amounts of testosterone which results in very hairy pussies -- almost like tumbleweeds, and with huge holes!Hence they don't have normal sex lives --especially since they are attracted to other "Gunners" -- and the combo of small cocks and giant hairy pussies becomes deadly in psychiatric terms."

NRA Say's White Students Should Carry Guns

Facing increased pressure for tougher gun control laws in the United States following the recent spates of slaughter ; David Keene -- President of the National Rifle Association said today,"If those students had been armed those creeps might have got off one or two rounds before they were blasted to Hell!"

He continued;"Every High School and College classroom should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready:and all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."

Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault -- just to hold em off until the troops arrive."

"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.

Romney and Sanitorium,both strong supporters of the NRA, endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).

And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?

Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times

The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit. "It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.

Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from idealogues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).

All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).

So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?

Any recommendations?

Bill O'Reilly Has Sex With Manatee In Florida River

A fisherman who was walking along the banks of the Manatee river in central Florida wandered onto the secluded estate where Bill O'reilly was vacationing. Irving Mandelbaum, a resident of nearbye Bumfuck Rapids,said; "I heard strange sounds coming from the river up ahead -- wild moaning and a lot of splashing and when i came around the bend i could hardly believe my eyes! -- There in the middle of a shallow pool in the river was Mr. O'Reilly butt humping a large Manatee!"

Mr. Mandelbaum told the bandit reporter that he was aware that the Manatee's are gentle creatures and also endangered and he could plainly see that the Manatee which Bill O'reilly was raping and sodomizing was in great distress. "O'Reilly kept trying to kiss it and he was pulling on it's whiskers as he thrust into her , and the Manatee was crying out and O'Reilly kept screaming -- "Shut up you Manatee bitch!' -- so i called the local game warden."

Ranger Elmer Woodcock said; "The saddest thing of all is that the Manatee turned out to be a young male -- this may be the first recorded incidence of male to male sex betweeen a human and a Manatee." He continued; "O'Reilly's close friend Rush Limbaugh, a frequent visitor to his estate,was caught red handed humping a female Manatee last summer during the manatee mating season; but was let off with a warning because he was blitzed on Oxycotin and agreed to enter rehab."

"So this Manatee humping thing on O'reilly's river property been going on for quite some time?", asked the reporter. "Sure has!" said the Ranger; "we have picked up almost a dozen of these sensitive creatures,dazed and disoriented, and swimming around O'Reilly's property -- and we think several are pregnant with his and Limbaughs babies."

Bill O'reilly and Rush Limbaugh could not be reached for comment --seems thay are really quiet when it comes to their strangely non-conservative sex lives.

Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope

In an amazing revelation from Pope Benedick in the vatican yesterday; he asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated; "Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"

Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatz asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's; and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?" -- "Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just got finished sticking hisa cock into some young Altar boy?"

The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell,prior to his confession -- now what will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"

The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and find, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will have a fresh start with Goda."

'But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's gospel." The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- happy Easter."

Jesus Will Spend Easter Shacked Up With Anna Nicole Smith

Jesus who has not returned to heaven since his fling with Anna Nicole Smith,after her death from electrical shock due to a short in her powerful vibrator; and who has been seen partying with a variety of hot chicks,both dead and alive -- has decided to ignore his Father's demands to return to Heaven on the anniversary of his resurrection.

Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!" He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time -- the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"

"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe Angie Dickinson and Rachel Ray --the great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."

He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ." -- And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."

Pope Does Not Believe In God Say's Priest

The Pope was overheard speaking to his assistant ,Cardinal Martini Bormano,by a young Priest who revealed the astonishing conversation to our Vatican reporter Mario Fanguli.

He said; “The Pope when questioned by the Cardinal about taking a strong moral stand and expressing outrage at the slaughter of innocents in Iraq got quite worked up and told him.” -- “You shutta your fuckina face -- you saw how crazy those murdering Muslim bastards gotta when I criticized them. Do you think I wanta to be traveling along on the Popamobile and be blown to bitsa --you fucking moron!”

“But your Holiness” the Cardinal then replied; “What about the moral authority of the Church,and if you are blowna to bitsa you will surely go straighta to be with Goda and Jesus in heaven for all Eternity.”

The Pope replied,said the the young Priest, “And I could hardly believea my ears.” He said, “Are you a fuckina crazy Martini?” he went on, “ If the Churcha remaind silent while the Nazi’s slaughtered six milliona Kikas, do you think I’ma gonna geta blown to shit over a few desert niggers? -- and,do you thinka I buy all that bullshita about the Saviour and Heaven and a Santa Clausa God with a a biga white beard -- do I look like a fucking idiot?”

He continued as the shocked Cardinal wept like a baby; “Stopa you blubbering you faggot -- I knowa whata you do with those little Altar boys -- so donta preacha to me while you are cornholing halfa the Vatican! -- hey it’s a nice fairy tale ( oopsa a pun) all this Bible bullshit, but itsa definitely not worth getting blowna to bitsa over.”
The Cardinal shot himself and that’s show business.

America Should Out -Source Parenting Say's New Study

Dr. Moishe Pipick - Lead investigator for The National Commission on Parenting in America -- announced today: "After five years of studying the methods and efficacy of parenting in the United States --we have concluded that our children would be much better off being raised in Foreign countries --especially China and India."

American children are not being raised like human children -- they are being raised like cattle being led to the slaughter. And without global competitive skills that's exactly what it will be --economic slaughter !

He continued: " Most parents have absolutely zero knowledge of their children's developmental needs and requirements -- God forbid they should read and study a little bit about what should be their number one priority --to give their kid's a shot at maximizing their potential ."

" Crappy and constant television (fifty hours per week) -- computer social networking -- violent video games -- shopping and stuffing their faces and celebrity worship ." He went on; "The parents act like jerks not parents -- minimal participation -- minimal deliberation and books are on the verge of distinction as is thoughtful interaction ."

Of course, he said; ''Many,primarily upper income and well educated parents are taking care of "business." -- their well educated and well directed and well connected kids will move right on up the ladders of prosperity and fulfillment. --and, sure, many struggling Parents are sacrificing to do the right thing for their kids,both spiritually and intellectually -- but they are in the minority. Just look at drop-out rates and national reading and math scores --it's horrifying -- how in the fuck do the parents of these children think they will wind up in a globally competitive and highly specialized world economy. "

"We believe, based on this comprehensive study" he said; "That the best solution is to take parenting responsibility away from these ignorant and uncaring and basically dysfunctional parents and 'Outsource' their parental supervision and guidance. -- You don't see many Chinese and Indian parents,even the poor ones, who don't take their child rearing responsibilities very seriously -- and it's not about money -- it's about developing character and intellect and a sense of worth and purpose -- they believe that the essential skill sets will flow from that kind of priority nurturing -- as they inevitably do!"

The study also showed that children raised in Jewish homes were the happiest and most likely to succeed, followed by rich Wasps. Most children raised in very religious Christian households ,along with poor Blacks and Hispanics  would be better off raised in Chinese or Indian families.

Anna Nicole Smith Did Not OD -- Death Caused By Her Huge Vibrator

Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.LA Examiner Dr.Sanjay Fakakta said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna had her last orgasm."

CSI investigative chief and a trained electrical engineer Hanran Voltar said;"Judging by the size of Anna's orgasm --we found her clitoris on a lawn in Brentwood which is three miles from the death scene -- the vibrator had to be extremely powerful, and it's motor which killed her, is commonly used in rocket propelled grenade launchers.

He went on -- "There were large holes burned into the mirror above her bed and from burn marks around her breasts, it is apparent that bolts of electricity shot out of her nipples and scorched the ceiling."

"Wow --you won't see that on CBS" -- said the Bandit celebrity reporter.