Candidates Should be Waterboarded As Test Of Courage

Look -in these dangerous times the most important character trait we should be looking for in our next president is cajones (balls to you gringos) - nuts -grapes or however you call em - but definitely someone who has got guts -because they will need a kickass amount of courage to deal with what's a comin -- it's gonna be right out of a Cormac McCarthy novel i'm afeared.

So --lets kill two birds with one stone! We'll have the presidential candidates undergo waterboarding to see how much they can take it relative to one another - and we also get a first hand look at how effective this procedure actually is. (fox has agreed to televise it and based on initial sponsor interest will probably make it into an ongoing reality series "The One Million Dollar Waterboarding Contest"

Personally i think it will be close between Hillary Clinton and John McCain. Hillary Clinton has got female balls and they are generally bigger than men's -- and John Mccain might just think it's like gargling with mouthwash after what he got in the Hanoi Hilton.

On the weak side it's probably John Edwards. I figure he shits his pants when they sit him in the chair.

Now - i think Rudy Giuliani is a stone pussy - but after three marriages (and that arch cunt Judith) he can probably endure a whole lot of pain. And Mitt Romney i figure is two or three seconds behind Edwards in screaming for his momma and then pissing in his pants and then offering a million bucks and his kids to be set free.(after calling his attorneys)

Obama, i believe, would try hard but would fold quickly especially after seeing Bill Richardson puke on the CIA torturer with his first gag of the water and beg to be killed.

Thompson, i believe, can take it pretty good - but I'm afraid he would definitely suffer a stroke during the torture - and wack job Dennis Kucinitch would probably refuse to participate and call the ACLU to intervene.

Now Mike (hallelujah)Huckabee is an interesting case - being a Baptist preacher, his love of being immersed in water might actually be a spiritual experience for him --i recommend instead that he be locked in a room with Christopher Hitchens for three hours and see if he can stand THAT torture.


Chris (the waffler) Dodd might be the big surprise of the event! -- I have a feeling he is used to having large objects thrust into his throat - he might use the torture as an occasion to come out of the closet? ( a breakthrough in honesty for him)

Biden and Brownback get a pass -they're in it for their resumes.(and Biden could never shut up long enough to participate anyway.

pretty clever idea --huh?

Monica Lewinsky's Blow Job Just Might Save The World

There is a very strong probability that Hillary Clinton will begin an eight year "rule" of America!

I say "rule" only because i recently saw the movie "Elizabeth The Golden Age" and two factors led me to a startling epiphany :

One - the timing of Queen Elizabeth's role on the world stage as the leader of an immensely powerful and progressive Empire being challenged existentially by an 'Evil Empire" driven by religious fanaticism . ( The Ayatollah Khomeini in the form of King Phillip of Spain.) - and the obvious comparison to What will confront "Queen" Hillary.

Two -- Elizabeth's dependence on her loyal and and trusted advisor -Sir Francis Walsingham (who's efforts unveil the Spanish plans to invade England with their Armada). And -- as i watched the amazing performance of Geoffrey Rush as Walsinham unfold -- i could not help but think of Bill Clinton back in the White House assuming those very same duties to save America and Queen Hillary from the evil Arabs.

The epiphany -- Hillary would not have become politically viable if the American people had not witnessed her great poise and strength during the Monica Lewinsky embarrassment. She relied on her faith in the Lord and the Christian belief in salvation and redemption (i am puking now) - to forgive Bill for his transgression -and to come through spiritually invigorated --born again. (i just threw up my socks)

And so -- the next "Ruler" Queen Hillary --with her wise advisor Sir Bill -- of the most powerful country in the world -- during a time of unprecedented challenges -- would not be poised to save the wold -- if Monica Lewinsky had not given Bill Clinton a blow job.

And what really blows (oops) my mind is that none of this would be happening -- If she swallowed properly, ( hence eliminating the telltale stain/evidence)

Now, why i made the leap from the movie to the Monica epiphany is something i will definitely have to discuss with my Rabbi. - It might have been because in the movie it's pretty clear that Elizabethh is dying to go down on Sir Walter Raleigh (who also reminded me of Bill) who winds up shtupping the Queens best friend.

Ain't life strange?

US Corporate failures and Crooks Should Kill Thmselves Like Zhang Shuhong Did

BEIJING (Reuters) - The boss of a Chinese toy manufacturing company involved in a Mattel recall after its products were found to contain excessive lead levels has hanged himself, Chinese media reported on Monday.

Zhang Shuhong, a Hong Kong businessman in his 50s and boss of the Lida Toy Company in the southern province of Guangdong, was found dead in his factory workshop on Saturday, the semi-official Southern Metropolitan Daily said.

About 1.5 million preschool toys made by Lida Toy, a Foshan-based contract manufacturer for Mattel Inc.'s Fisher-Price unit, were recalled across the globe by the U.S. company last week.

Zhang is my kind of guy! No excuses and no one hundred million payout deal for fucking up. He saves the wife and kids years of listening to his recriminations and crybaby crapola - the stock holders save a huge pile of money; and the public and his financial cronies get an object lesson in real old fashioned accountability.

Hey -- Roman generals fell on their swords and Samurai warriors opened up their guts with a knife! -- The very least that those pampered failures at Enron or Citigroup or those Savings and Loan guys could do is follow the wonderful and ballsy example of Zhang Shuhong and go out and hang themselves.

And it should be mandated by the Securities and Exchange Commission that every board room of the fortune five hundred companies and all Hedge Fund executive offices have a picture prominently displayed on their wall of Zhang Shuhong swinging in the breeze. (that is, of course, until we build up a domestic rogues gallery of corporate swingers (pun))

Which one of you guys wants to be first? -- C'mon - Go out in style!

Fox Announces "Green Card" Starring Paris Hilton

Once again those creative people over at Fox TV have found a way to provide a fun reality show with a positive social twist -- and also take some of the sting out of our cultural deprivation during the WGA strike.

A group of fabulous looking men and women will compete for the affection of American citizens who have agreed to marry the winners - thereby gaining them their coveted green cards and ultimately citizenship.

Paris Hilton told the bandit Hollywood reporter today; "I'm so excited about doing something worthwhile in my screwed up life - some lucky illegals will now get a chance to hump their way into American citizenship thanks to Fox TV."

She continued; "I'm like the perfect host for this cool new show and i might even marry one of those wetbacks myself if he can really light up my G spot and get my crab grass under control"

President Bush upon hearing about the show said; "Heh heh -- well, you know the Fox news channel has been called the "Bush News Network" and they always know how to arrange the news just right for us real Americanos -- and now along comes this "Green Card" show which might just be the answer to the immigration problema we've been a lookin for --hooray Fox!"

The contestants will spend a week at a resort with their potential future partners and will perform various housekeeping and landscaping and cooking and of course sex related activities.Finally there will be a lavish wedding and"Green Card"ceremonies for the lucky winners -- presided over by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. (and Paris of course)

The President of Mexico was overheard telling an aide; "I would love to bang Paris Hilton in the burrito -- they can keep the green card"God bless Fox television and America!

Viva Fox!

Rudy Giuliani Stars In Remake Of Stephen King's "Dead Zone"

Rudy Giuliani Caught In The spotlight With Baby Bernie Kerick!

"It is always a sad day" , as United States Attorney Michael J. Garcia noted, when a law enforcement official is accused of breaking the law." That is especially true when the official was New York’s top jailer, the head of the nation’s largest police department, and nearly became the chief of a 180,000-member federal department charged with keeping America safe.

What's so scary is that Rudy still stands behind this piece of shit who is a thief and who completely screwed up the training of the Iraqi police force and then abandoned his post and ran back to America.

Rudy reminds me of Greg Stillson in Stephen King's novel "The Dead Zone" --involving an evil fanatic who almost gets elected president by a duped electorate eager to put a "Tough guy" in the White House.The hero of the story can read the future and knows this guy will start a nuclear war so he attemps to assasinate him at a political rally.

His shot misses, but Stillson grabs a baby from a mothers arms and uses it as a shield to protect himself --with the news cameras rolling!

What a sriking simile! - Bernie Keric is Rudy's baby!

Big lesson -- These dangerous men always seem to come along during tough and frightening times when their veiled pathology escapes our understanding and vision.

In Rudy's case this is not about getting rid of homeless people and squeegy men in NYC --this phony could be walking around with a suitcase full of nuclear attack codes -- and talking to his crazy fucking wife while he's got Ahmadinejad on hold. And -if you think he was such a big hero during 911 --why don't you get the NYC Fire Department's take on how he handled the disaster.

Yeah --Rudy has been fabulous when the cameras are rolling -- but he just got caught ------- with Baby Bernie Kerick in his arms!

So now we know!

If You Vote For Giuliani After Reading This You Are Delusional

Columnist Gail Collins NY Times 11-8-07

Whenever you read that a candidate “values loyalty above all else” — run for the hills. Loyalty is a terribly important consideration if you’re choosing a pet, but not a cabinet member.

How about if this time we try for a president who would recruit gifted people who can accomplish great things, as opposed to a room full of dopes who will never write tell-all memoirs?

Loyalty is on our mind today because of the indictment of Bernard Kerik, the really, really loyal former New York City police commissioner. Rudy Giuliani, who was entirely responsible for Kerik’s meteoric rise from mayoral chauffeur, has not seemed to draw any great lessons from his protégé’s spectacular fall. Giuliani did say that he made a “mistake in not clearing him effectively enough,” which sounds as if he is kicking himself for not sending a second squad of detectives out to interview Kerik’s neighbors.

In fact, the lapse in the “clearing” procedure involved Giuliani ignoring the city investigations commissioner when he arrived with the news that Kerik was involved with a company suspected of having ties to organized crime.
Giuliani claims not to remember this moment in the vetting process, which seems sort of strange for a guy who made his career prosecuting the mafia and those-who-had-ties. The former mayor does, however, have a bad memory. We know this because he obtained an annulment of his 14-year-long first marriage on the grounds that he had forgotten that his wife was his second cousin.

On the terrible day of Sept. 11, 2001, Kerik was with the mayor as Giuliani left the disaster at ground zero, searching for a telephone to contact the outside world. Also loyally at the mayor’s side were three deputy mayors, the fire commissioner and the head of the Office of Emergency Management. They all walked north, in a little command-clump, intent on the central mission of protecting their main man. You would have thought, really, that the protecting job could have been done by youthful aides while the alleged leaders tended to the fire, emergency and police problems downtown.

But if anybody had stayed behind, focusing on the wider city rather than the man who had plucked them all out of obscurity and given them everything they had, how would he know they were loyal? The ties forged in that clump of commanders catapulted them into extremely well-paying jobs in the firm of Giuliani Partners and convinced the mayor to propose Bernard Kerik as the next chief of the Department of Homeland Security, a position for which he was approximately as well qualified as I am to be quarterback for the New England Patriots.

Giuliani had a great police commissioner, Bill Bratton, during his first term when all the critical crime-fighting apparatus for which the administration became so famous was put into place. But Bratton was not particularly loyal, in the sense that he did his job well, then enjoyed taking credit for it himself. And so he was gone.

There is an entire chapter in Rudy Giuliani’s famous book “Leadership” that is titled “Loyalty, the Vital Virtue.” In it, he pats himself on the back for making a man named Robert Harding the city’s budget director even though he knew the ever-feckless news media would point out that Harding’s father, Ray, was the chairman of the city’s Liberal Party, whose endorsement had done a great deal to get Giuliani elected mayor. “I wasn’t going to choose a lesser candidate simply to quiet the critics,” he said.

For some mysterious reason, the book skips over a much better loyalty lesson involving the very same family. Giuliani demonstrated his loyalty to Ray Harding, giver of the Liberal Party endorsement, not only by giving his qualified son a good job, but also by turning over the New York City Housing Development Corporation to another son, Russell, who wound up embezzling more than $400,000 for vacations, gifts and parties. We will not even go into the pornography part, except to point out in his defense that of the 15,000 sexually explicit images found on his computer, only a few were of children.

The Giuliani version of loyalty, which bears a terrifying resemblance to the George W. Bush brand of loyalty, is entirely about self-protection. An administration safe beneath the loyalty cone does not have to worry much about leaks to the press, or even whistle-blowing.

People can screw up, or fail to achieve their missions, knowing the guy at the top will protect them as long as they put his well-being ahead of anything else. When disaster strikes, the whole world may be falling apart, but they will all be clumped together, walking north

Us Corporate Failures Should Consider Suicide

BEIJING (Reuters) - The boss of a Chinese toy manufacturing company involved in a Mattel recall after its products were found to contain excessive lead levels has hanged himself, Chinese media reported on Monday.

Zhang Shuhong, a Hong Kong businessman in his 50s and boss of the Lida Toy Company in the southern province of Guangdong, was found dead in his factory workshop on Saturday, the semi-official Southern Metropolitan Daily said.

About 1.5 million preschool toys made by Lida Toy, a Foshan-based contract manufacturer for Mattel Inc.'s Fisher-Price unit, were recalled across the globe by the U.S. company last week.

Zhang is my kind of guy! No excuses and no one hundred million payout deal for fucking up. He saves the wife and kids years of listening to his recriminations and crybaby crapola - the stock holders save a huge pile of money; and the public and his financial cronies get an object lesson in real old fashioned accountability.

Hey -- Roman generals fell on their swords and Samurai warriors opened up their guts with a knife! --The least that those pampered failures at Enron or Citigroup or those Savings and Loan guys could do is follow the wonderful and ballsy example of Zhang Shuhong and go out and hang themselves.

And it should be mandated by the Securities and Exchange Commission that every board room of the fortune five hundred companies and all Hedge Fund executive offices have a picture prominently displayed on their wall of Zhang Shuhong swinging in the breeze. (that is, of course, until we build up a domestic rogues gallery of corporate swingers (pun))

Which one of you guys wants to be first? -- C'mon - Go out in style!

My Idea To Save The Writers and The Entertainment Industry

There are now thousands of people walking picket lines and sitting in bars - creatively bullshitting one another -- who are usually busy bullshitting the rest of us -- putting down the words and phrases that keep us all from having to think about our shitty jobs –wives –responsibilities and fears and inadequacies -- death and dying - rejection and insecurities -- starving children in Dar-fur and getting a poisoned ball bearing in your guts and your legs blown into Hoboken by some illiterate moron trying to get into heaven.

Their bosses and financiers who control the entertainment distribution pipelines are like any other greedy businessman out to screw the little guy; only in this case the little guy can turn his energies into escapist comedy and tragedy instead of cleaning out a bedpan or driving a truck –so he gets more attention from us. (Karl Marx didn’t like that)

The way to deal with the networks is NOT to deal with them!

The writers should begin by creating a bunch of “Writer Blogs” -on which they can create a 24/7 parade of funny and dramatic programming (like one big SNL show) that encompasses the whole spectrum of entertainment programming.

Create synergy with You Tube ( and the whole UGC universe) for visual support and Current TV for news coverage and -- the whole collaboration could become :

“The Peoples Television Network”

And when it gets a billion hits worldwide –which it most certainly would - in come the advertisers. Then project expands into separate programs by entertainment genre across the Internet -- and the decline of the network dinosaurs will be accelerated by about a decade.

The hedge fund monsters will pour financing in -and actors and directors and all the necessary support folks will eventually follow the bucks and flock to the enterprise. Hell –there’s enough creative and production folks out of work at any given time in Hollywood to staff a dozen networks at a moments notice.

And the suits and bean counters at the networks will all be sitting around in shock wondering what they used to do – and why --and what the fuck went wrong?.

So start doing what you Writers do --Write! --entertain us - and laugh all the way to the bank.

And then YOU can start exploiting the NEW little guys -- it's the American way.

Mitt Romney - Caught Telling Truth About His Sex Life

Mitt Romney Says Lots'a Pussy Is The Only Way For A Happy Marriage
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!

The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only fuck one woman for the rest of his life!"

He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:" A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantlyonce a month is what a sex life is all about."

"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me - these yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch porno - have zero puusy options and they should not be judging those who do!"

"Now i want a family and a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and wornout and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"

"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office -- cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."

He's definitely got my vote!

Don Imus Returns -- Woopee --Remember This Blog?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Don Imus To Write "I Made A Fucked-Up Joke" 100,000 Times
The 'Nappy headed Ho's" have agreed to forgive Don Imus if he writes his admission on a blackboard ( no pun intended) that will be positioned outside his New York studio and where the public can watch and spit on him and throw shit.

"It will take him approximately two days to complete his penance", said the Reverends Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson " -- and we hope this teaches a lesson to all hymietown nigger haters,"added the Rev. Jackson.

Imus who makes his living pouring satire and irony over the inferno of hypocritical horseshit that is relentlessly spilled out onto their followers, who eat it like candy, from ideologues like Jackson and Sharpton and Oreilly and Limbaugh and : (oh you get my drift).

All Imus had to add to his misplaced comment was; "Those nappy headed Ho's are some fine basketball playin motherfuckas -- and we can't wait for those bitches to kick some ass all the way next season; after some well earned r&r sucking some big black cocks on the beach somewhere." He left the joke out of a bad joke -- he's a professional joker -- he needs a few days with Chris Rock. -- But let's not forget: his objective was comic satire -- not ethnic cleansing or racism.(ie. Anne Coulter or Mel Gibson or Jesse Jackson).

So-- guilty as charged -- he made a bad joke! So -- now -- what's the penalty for the lies and hypocrisy and deception and malicious racial hatred and dystopian policies that emanate from our political and religious and cultural icons like a shit fountain?

Any recommendations?

Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors

Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:

" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."

She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -

"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."

"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"

President To Use Hollwood Talent To Stop Islamofascism

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!

You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

'We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:"

"Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:

"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!"

"And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"

"Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist -- Hillary claims she's half black!

The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period!

"He even thought about changing his name to Lance Barak" - said Dr. Maury Goldfarb. There has been no comment from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: "Well, i have my own announcement to make that's quite a shocker -- i am half black! -- so how about that my brothas and sistas?"

"The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honky's too --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson"

he went on; "And all the ignorant rednecks will be sittin around today in eugenics heaven -- I can hear them now down at the shitbird cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba - i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in Himey Town"

The Rev,Sharpton concluded;"And if Hillary Clinton is half black i will eat her pussy in Macy's window!"

Dreamworks/Disney Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" For Gay Children

Dream Works Releases "Studsy The Queer Bull" -- First Animated Film For Gay Kids
Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday.

“We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" "Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is queerer than Studsy.

He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out.”

"And ‘Studsy’ does indeed "break-out" in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows -- He ‘breaks out’ of the closet( a metaphor for his closet) and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”

Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every steer and bull in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one.

'At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”

The producers concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art.

And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .

McDonalds To Employ Chimpanzees

A major announcement from McDonald's -who like all companies forced to compete in the global marketplace - is committed to using good old American creativity and resourcefulness to beat China and India at their own game.

"McDonald's will be employing five hundred African Chimpanzees in one hundred test stores starting on Christmas day!" said Ernie Fryman. head of human resources for the chain.He stated; "In test cases the chimps outperformed our entry level labor force which is ninety five percent black by twenty five percent; and the customers just loved it - and our huge black consumer base did not even notice any difference ( i don't think most of them were even aware that they were being served by Chimps)"

He continued; "Kids of course just loved the Chimps and we project increased sales of twenty percent based on their appeal to the youngsters alone - and response from the general consumer base has been overwhelming."

The National Wildlife Federation said today that this may be the solution to ensure the preservation of mankind's closest animal relative -sharing ninety five percent of our DNA. -- "Rwanda and Uganda and the Congo where most of the Chimpanzees will be imported from are thrilled!

Condoleeza Rice said today --"The money that McDonald's is paying for the Chimps will go a long way to help those war torn nations allocate resources to essential human services."

Asked about the impact on the job market and how it will affect the young black employment market -- Mr. Fryman said; "Well, with projected sales increases and labor and efficiency savings from the Chimps -- we anticipate that we will be able to expand our operations -- move the Chimpanzees into supervisory positions - and allow the chimps to hire a lot of black kids and other minorities".He concluded; "Of course - they will have to bring their math and reading skills up to the Chimp's standards."

God bless American ingenuity!

Fox announces "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor

Fox has got a lot of cajones (balls to you gringos) in addition to be being cutting edge creative!

Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience.

"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome:president of Fox entertainment.

This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.

Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!"

"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --it will be bigger than Idol.

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off.

Fox Announces "Green Card" Hosted By Paris Hilton

Once again those creative people over at Fox TV have found a way to provide a fun reality show with a positive social twist.

A group of fabulous looking men and women will compete for the affection of American citizens who have agreed to marry the winners - thereby gaining them LEGAL alien status.

Paris Hilton told the bandit Hollywood reporter today; "I'm so excited about doing something worthwhile in my fucked up life - some lucky illegals will get a chance to fuck their way into American citizenship thanks to Fox TV."

She continued; "I'm like the perfect host for this cool new show and i might even marry one of those wetbacks myself if he can really light up my G spot and get my crab grass under control"

President Bush upon hearing about the show said; "Heh heh -- well, you know the Fox news channel has been called the "Bush News Network" and they always know how to arrange the news just right for us real Americanos -- and now along comes this "Green Card" show which might just be the answer to the immigration problema we've been lookin for --hooray Fox!"

The contestants will spend a week at a resort with their potential future partners and will perform various housekeeping and landscaping and cooking and of course sex related activities.

Finally their will be wedding and"Green Card"ceremonies for the lucky winners -- presided over by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. (and Paris of course)

The President of Mexico was overheard telling an aide; "I would love to fuck Paris Hilton in the burrito -- they can keep the green card"

God bless Fox television and America!

Condoleeza Rice Teams With Best Foods To Launch -- "Condoleeza Brown Rice"

Well commercial endorsements by political leaders had to happen sooner or later -- and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has signed a seven figure deal with Best Foods International to manufacture a "brown" rice product with her name and likeness on the box -- "Condoleeza Rice".

And the word is that this is just the beginning; Vice president Dick Cheney is reportedly in negotiations with the world's largest manufacturer of security fences to endorse a new advanced line which will be called "Cheney Link Titanium Fences." with the slogan "Nothing Get's Through!"

A huge deal is being negotiated between George and Laura Bush and Proctor and Gamble for the release of "George and Laura Bush Baked Beans."

And even a Supreme Court Justice is getting into the act with a six figure advance to Justice Clarence Thomas from General Foods for -- "Clarence Thomas' Whitey Boy Muffins"

House Speaker nancy Pelosi is rumored to have turned down several million dollars from Maidenform to appear in a bras commercial "The Speaker Stands Firm In Her Maidenform Bra.!" -- But negotiations continue.....

What's next? -- "Barak Obama Pancake Mix?'

Stay tuned!

NBC Buys Oxygen - Oprah To Launch "Sex - Bling and Cock" Channel

Oxygen Media began in February 2000 with enormous fanfare and a group of high-profile backers, chief among them Ms. Winfrey. It aimed to be a serious contender for ratings with the Lifetime Network, the leading cable channel for women.

So here is a sample of some of their most successful shows -- the ones that their "women" just love -- and which made Jeff Drecker (NBC Boss) drool and pay 925 million for it. "A perfect fit with the NBC family" - he says -- Excuse me while i puke!

Campus Ladies: The acclaimed improv comedy is back with a guest-star studded 2nd season and further adventures of suburban housewives Joan and Barri turned college party girls.
Girls Behaving Badly: Hilarious hidden camera hi-jinks from a distinctly female POV.
Absolutely Fabulous: Sin is in in this British cult hit series following extravagant Edina and her bad girl gal pal Patsy.
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Reality
The Bad Girls’ Road Trip: The girls hit the road for a cross-country trip to meet each other’s friends and family, visit the other ‘bad girls’ in their hometowns and get new recruits for the second season.
The Bad Girls Club: Find out what happens when seven bad girls live under one roof in Oxygen's new reality series from the producers of Real World.
Fight Girls: Ten young female fighters live and train together for a shot at competing in the World Muay Thai championship.
Tori & Dean: Inn Love: Tori Spelling and new husband Dean McDermott go from in-crowd to inn keepers when they open a new B&B.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Model turned mogul Janice Dickinson returns with an all-new season of attitude as she strives to make her modeling agency thrive.
Tease: Lisa Rinna hosts the ultimate battle for hair supremacy as home town challengers face off against Master Stylists.
Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance: Comedienne Mo'Nique's televised beauty pageant for big and beautiful women. The 3rd annual pageant premieres this summer. Stay tuned.
Snapped: Oxygen's hit true-crime series profiles the fascinating cases of women accused of murder.
Captured: Captured is an engrossing true-crime series that puts women at the center of solving mysteries.
Real Weddings from the Knot: A behind-the-scenes look from the bride's point of view of what really happens during the three weeks before her wedding.

Web Only
Our Bodies, Myself: Self-help guru Lauren Butterfield hosts Oxygen's first web exclusive show celebrating all things woman -- even the parts that smell bad.

Sex & Relationships
Talk Sex: No question about love and sex is too delicate for straight-talking "Sex Grandma" Sue Johanson.

Talk
The Tyra Banks Show: The former super model's daily talk show focusing on women's dreams, hopes and challenges.

Action
Xena: Warrior Princess: The formidable warrior princess takes on all forms of bad dudes in this cult adventure show.

Wow! -- Congratulations girls -- you certainly showed the world what American Women are made of - and stand for - and are really interested in:

Sex - Bling -- and Cock!

Tony Soprano Will Rub Out Fred Thompson!

Tony Soprano To Enter Dem Presidential Primary -- Will Run Against DA Arthur Branch (Fred Thompson) For President

Wow! -- It finally happened ! -- The race for president has turned into the ultimate television reality show. -- Fred Thompson has jumped into the republican presidential primary and leaped to the front of the pack in a heartbeat -- based on the persona he has acquired from his role in "Law and Order" as NYC DA Arthur Branch .

Howard Dean head of the Democratic party's National Committee announced today; "This guy could wipe out any of the current Democratic candidates!"

"The American people are basically a pack of morons and in the post 911 era a guy with his national television appeal in the role of a tough law man battling evil on the most popular dramatic series on TV --forget it! "

He continued; "Hillary might as well go back to nagging Bill full time and John Edwards to chasing ambulances; and Barak Obamamama couldn't get elected dog catcher with Fred Thompson in the race!"

"However" - he stated: "With James Gandolfini joining the Democratic primary we have a candidate who will certainly forge ahead to win that contest and subsequently defeat Thompson and take the white House -- it's gonna be president Tony Soprano."

"He will run on the slogan "Let A Mob Boss Protect America" -- "And we predict the largest voter turnout in American history and a landslide victory for President James Gandolfini "He concluded; "Oh and his VP running mate will be Edie Falco and his cabinet will be comprised of his mob team from the Sopranos --with Paulie Walnuts as national security advisor --and Big Pussie will return as secretary of state and Johnny (sack) Sacramonti will be Secretary of defense -- and the whole west Wing will be a total replication of the Bada Bing office.

"Tony (Mr. Gandolfino) issued a short statement saying; "As far as I'm concerned the terrorists are just a rival gang -- and we know exactly what to do about them and the rest of our enemies!"

Bada Bing! -- Bada Boom!