Fox Tv Announces -" Death Swap"

"This will be the highest rated show in the history of Reality TV -Bigger than Idol" - Exclaimed Morton Schlocker, president of Fox TV.

He elaborated; "Deserving prisoners about to be executed will be replaced -in a supreme act of Christian charity - by folks who have terminal illnesses - and who volunteer to take their place"

Martha Pipick -an eighty seven year old woman with terminal brain cancer said; " Merl Crumby is set to be electrocuted in Smallville Texas on July fifth - but i will happily go to the chair in his place."

She continued; " He has been on death row for fifteen years - and he has become a God fearing man - and now that the Supreme Court has ruled out his getting a review of the evidence in his case using new DNA science - I will end MY misery and save HIS life -hallelujah!"

"Mr. Crumby has a wife and twelve children - he has found the Lord and is a changed person - and since the state of Texas is so bent on revenge - they can fry me!"

Fox TV said today "We have already received hundreds of offers to participate in "Death Swap" - and we will be giving the families of each person who is executed fifty thousand dollars and pay all their medical bills."

Elise Mandelbaum - digibandit prison reporter - asked Fox TV prexy Schlocker; "Aren't you exploiting poor suffering souls who will die a horrible death - and letting extreme criminals go scott free?"

He responded; " Huh?"

Sarah Palin Wants To Suck "Letterman's Popsicle"

Sarah Palin confided to her Inuit (Eskimo) house keeper that "He's (letterman) a real cutie -and i wouldn't mind sucking his popsickle" - said Linda Snofart who recently quit working for Palin because 'Tod kept grabbing my ass!"

Snofart told us: "She's a cheap ignorant phony cunt - all us Eskimos said we would move back onto the ice if she had been elected Vice President - And if it weren't for her good looks and for fucking half of Alaska - she couldn't get a job shoveling Reindeer shit!"

Snofart continued; " I mean just listen to Obama and the folks around him - and then just listen to that stupid cunt - and - i mean - am i crazy or somethin?"

"I mean- the whole fucking Palin clan is outa their fruit fucking minds! - I mean you gotta be kidding - But -- the good thing is - When them Republicans come out rootin for an asshole like Sarah Palin - folks see them for what they are"

"Redneck angry - ignorant - minority and injun hating - motha fuckers!"

Whoa - you go Snowfart!

Pope Benedick Announces "Erection Testing" For Priests

It's finally getting through to the Vatican that an extremely high percentage of Priests look at Altar Boys like i look at Cameron Diaz.

And - that they have raped tens of thousands of young defenseless boys and children - who are emotinally scarred for life - is now well documented.

Personally - i think all priests should be castrated when taking their final vows - but at least the "Erection Test" is a start.

"From nowa on - starting with all men entering the seminery - they will be lined uppa -and a younga beautiful young man - wearing slinky underwear - will be paraded in front of them - and if any of them getsa an erection -- he issa eliminated immediately." said the Pope.

He continued;"I gotta this idea from Mel Brooks' movie "Itsa Madda Madda World" - where they testa to see iffa Gregory Hines issa really a eunich by having some hotta pussy dance around him with her titsa hanging outa -and boy does he get a huge erection -- hmmmm - oboya!"

"Anda i'm a thinkina that - hey - any future Altar boy butt humping Priesta - is sure fire to get an erection iffa we reverse engineer that Mel Brooksa tricka."

"So being a clever Popa - i put in the "Erection Testa" -And -soona we gonna also give all existing Priests the same testa - and ifa they fail - and becausa they are already in the order - we giva them the optiona to have their nutsa cut offa! (or leava)"

Melissa mandelbaum the digibandit Vatican reporter asked the Popa (sorry the Pope) "Your eminence - are you going to also be erection tested?"

"No waya Melissa - but thatsa gooda question - but itsa kinda like asking Goda to be erectiona tested -don'ta you thinka?"

"Actually i think god would fail" answered Melissa.

Hmmmm - fooda for thoughta?

Mormons Make Great Vacuum Cleaner Salesmen

OAK BROOK, Ill. — Six days a week, in fair weather and foul, two-dozen door-to-door salesmen, all of whom live clustered together in an apartment complex in this suburb west of Chicago, pile into S.U.V.’s and cars and head into the big city, bent on sales of vacuum cleaners and home security systems.

And on Sunday, their one day off, they drive together to the nearest house of worship of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
The salesmen are mostly former Mormon missionaries from Utah who cut their teeth — and learned their people-skill chops — cold-calling for their faith.

Joseph Tummerhays - A portly Mormon said; " Hell - after trying to sell the weird shit that we believe in - to folks who weren't indoctrinated from birth into it? - Well - Selling a security system to a guy whose house is being foreclosed -- is easy!"

He went on; "I would rather sell condoms to a crack head pimp than try and sell that stuff from our bible with Moroni and the gold plates and all that wacky shit - i mean - they been telling me to BELIEVE that stuff since i was born - and even i think they got some screws loose."

"But - i do love that i will be able to have several wives - i mean - marriage usually stinks - but we get a real break in that area."

"How about a nice Eureka? - it's got a biblical sound to it."

Giselle Bundchen Tells Of Sex With Newt Gingrich

"I always thought he was so smart and so cute" said Giselle "He looks like porky pig -and when i was a kid on the farm in Germany we had a lot of pigs - and i remember my father would drink too much shnaptze and beer and he was always trying to fuck them."

"My momma would yell!" - Heinrich! - Stop trying to fuck the pigs! -it's not a good lesson for the kinder!"

Giselle continued;" But i always had a fondness for guys that looked like pigs after those childhood experiences - and this newt Gingrich! -Oh mine gott -he's a REAL pig!"

"Anyway i met him at a dinner reunion for Third Reich alumni and we went to his hotel suite -And when i took my top off - he blew his cookies (as you say in America?) - And then i tried to get his little piggy wiggly going again - but no success"

"He was very drunk and he was crying - "Oh my fuhrer why can't you be with us now - we need you so much - the schvartzeh is screwing it all up"

Giselle concluded; "I think the poor porker is very upset about all the things President Obama is achieving and how much everyone loves and admires him"

"And me too! -But i wouldn't fuck him because he's too handsome - but definitely i would fuck Hillary!"

Nagging Israeli Wives Push Settlement Expansion

"Abe -you good for nothing poor excuse for a Jewish husband!" - "You moved me and the kids out here in the middle of the desert -surrounded by angry goyim - in this poor excuse for a home - and you promised things would get better"



" Becky! But Becky! -you cried" -- "The land is cheap -we'll make a killing! -The goyim are morons! - For what do they need land? - It'll be ok. - You can have a nice garden and i'll build a swingset for the kinder"



"I told you then Abe -i can't live with you and four kids in a tiny place with one small bedroom and one bathroom -and no diniing area -and no laundry room" - "But - i listened to your pleading like a real schmuck."



" You promised - Becky Becky my darling - soon we'll expand - we'll make a killing! - I'll grow some nice lemons in the yard - and some cabbage for you to stuff - and the air is so clean"



"And Beckela -right over there where that bush is - that is where king David took a nice crap before he killed that giant goyim Goliath!"



"Beckela -my angel -this is the ancient homeland of the Jewish Prophets"



"Well now Abe! - I put up with this place for five years - with the goyim screaming and yelling -and the rotton plumbing - and the sandstorms and the rockets - and:



" Now i'm telling you - You build an addition on this house and put in a swimming poool - Or - me and the kids are going back to my parents in Tel Aviv -and i'm getting my cousin - the lawyer - Moishe Pipick to drain you dry with alimony and child support"



'You can stay out here with the goyim and the prophets - and you can shtupp the sheep!"



So -now you know why the settlement issue will NOT be solved any time soon - AND - why the Palestinians -whose wives only speak when spoken to - cannot grasp the depth of this problem.

One- Eyed Video Cam Hooker Has Video Of David Carradine

Well she has surfaced again (see older posts) -And - with her Prosthetic Eyecam has produced another amazing candid expose of a celebrity client.



"I never planned on releasing the video of my strange sexual encounter with David Carradine's -( strange - even for me) - but now i hope it sheds some light on this terrible tragedy" - She said.


"David Carradine requested that i tie a rope around his neck and loop the other end around his balls and then he stood on top of a ladder (which he brought with him) - and then looped the rope up to a special climbing piton he screwed into the cieling."



"He asked me to suck his cock -and that right before he came he would jump off the ladder -squeezing his nuts and choking him - and that as soon as he came i was to swing him back on the ladder"

"As you can see in the video he really blew his nuts in a spectacular demonstration of what he called "Kung Fu Kum"


"He said it was a method used by ancient Chinese mystics - and that the Buddah and Lao Tzu both believed it was a way of reaching total Enlightenment"


"Well -he sure enlightened me! -he almost blew my head off !"


"Anyway" - She concluded "I think what happened is that he tried to replicate an Enlightened Kung Fu Kum (orgasm) without a hooker assistant -And - he probably was jerking off and just accidentally hung himself."



"What a way to go!"

"And please don't try this at home - unless you're a Rush Limbaugh fan,"

The Speech Obama SHOULD Have Made To Muslims

"I'd like to make a few key points today -my Muslim friends."

First - For over sixty years now - the Palestinians have achieved zero progress as a society. -Their beloved leader -Yasir Arafat - stole all their money and sponsored viscious ongoing terrorist attacks against innocent civilians - he was uglier than a turnip and smelled like old cat litter -and had an IQ of eighty five -and this was the Palestinians face in the world congress?

They created no viable government or political institutions of any kind - (they are still divided and killing each other) - and their approach to economic growth was to sit in their homes and tents and kvetch and steal each other blind. (the Yids arrived and cleared the stinking swamps and created a thriving modern democratric society within twenty years -and helped the Brits fight the Turks - you folks and Hitler at the same time)

Oh = and all that foreign aid we gave them was needed to stop the entire fucking Arab world fron trying to wipe them out with four illegal wars.

Second - you(Islam) has not achieved shit since your Golden Era which ended around one thousand years ago -- to the world's great relief - as they would no longer be put to death or converted to Islam by the sword -by rampaging Muslim armies - led by the same kind of nut cases that are slaughtering innocent folks today.

Third - A lot of you fucking morons think that Egypt and Saudi Aabia are ruled by viscious tyrants. Well - at least they have toilet paper and running water and electricity - and if they were nice guys - the fascist fanatical Mullahs in their societies would turn their poor ignorant masses into Koranic Killing Machines - which those Mullahs are very good at - As a matter of fact - it's ALL they're fucking good at.

Fourth - We, in the west, saved the skins of millions of Muslims in the Balkans and in Kuwait - and freed the Shiites in Iraq - and tried to convince the Russians to stop slaughtering all your brethren in Chechnya -and gave billions in aid to your brothers and sisters in Indonesia and you all haven't said shit about any of that -it's all about the Jews and fucking envy and false pride.

Fifth - All of your Political and Religious leaders (an oxymoron) are as tight lipped as the Pope when it comes to decrying senseless slaughter! Slaughter that is perpetrated against YOU --AND YOUR OWN PEOPLE by these fucking fanatics in the name of Islam and the Koran. -Your leaders have what we say in Chicago -"No Grapes" (balls)

Sixth - You hate one another! - Shiites and Sunnis have been slaughtering one another for fouteen hundred years over some bullshit about who should have taken over from Mohammad. -And can you possibly imagine what kind of ignorant fucking assholes he thinks you are for slaughtering each other - over such trivial bullshit. - Hell -- even the Catholics and Protestants are mostly over that horseshit - and they are pretty fucking ignorant people too.

Seventh - Listen Up about Iran - because it;s really quite simple! =We are never going to allow folks who think that when you kill an Infidel - and when you blow yourself up in the process - that you will awaken in a pool full of Virgins who will be sucking on your cock - AND you will live forever in this Paradise:

TO HAVE WMD -THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO CARRY SHARP INSTRUMENTS -LET ALONE HAVE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.


Honestly - i would rather give Bo a nuclear pull toy!

"Look - i could go on and on - but iv'e probably said way too much -and been way too candid with you Muslims here today - but - i promised everyone that i would open up an honest dialogue with American's and our world neighbors"

"And -i hope i'm off to a good start with ya? -I know I feel a lot better having gotten a few things off my chest with you here in Egypt today."

"Shaloma Alaykum Y'All"

Obama May Sell American Jailbirds To Africa

California’s prisons are at nearly double capacity, and a three-judge panel could order the state to release tens of thousands of prisoners

The United States has, for instance, 2.3 million criminals behind bars, more than any other nation, according to data maintained by the International Center for Prison Studies at King’s College London.

Well --not only should the USA establish a "Criminal Military Corp" as recommended in my previous blogs - But - since we would have so many criminals left over ( who are unfit for combat) -- let's just sell them!:

Moishe Pipick, head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- Why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot and pay us ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for even more:"

He continued; "The African union is desperate for psychopaths to replace the dwindling number of young children in their armies. (who are dying off from starvation and aids)."

"We are talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer here - and i'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

He concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing! - And outsourcing and getting paid for it --is a no brainer!
at 11:21 AM

Constipation - Sexual Repression and God

A toxic psychocombo which generates the demented frustrated profile of most Priests and Nuns - A cadre of psychos preying (a pun) on helpless children.

A LIVING organism is defined by it's ability to absorb nutrition/energy - dispose of it as waste matter - and to reproduce.

Priests and Nuns eat that crap bread they make and tons of potatoes (especially in Ireland - and they don't fuck .

So - on top of being constantly constipated and totally frustrated -as their brains scream for release - "A good dump please!" - "Some sex please!" - and absolutely convinced of their moral authority - it's:

"Let's kick the shit out of these nasty little future shitters and humpers!"

And while we have known for a long time that an Altar Boy in the good ole USA is nothing but a warm butthole to these "Men of God" - we now have some interesting news from the Emerald Isle - bastion of Roman Catholicism since St. Patrick first arrived in search of souls and buttholes.

For a milennium the poor beleaguered Irish - fucked over by every tribe who found the Celts easy pickings - sent their weakest and most doctrinely malleable offspring off into the bosom of their beloved church.

And those constipated and sexually repressed and blindly faithful servants of god grew up - and proceeded to torment the helpless little children in their care - for centuries!

And the church and the Irish authorities looked the other way.

So let's dedicate next St. Patricks day to all those poor little boys and girls who got fucked over by god's holy messengers:

And let's all pray that this ignorant asshole of a fucking Pope Benedick dies while trying to take a shit while jerking off.

Oral Sex Surges During Recession -And OSD Divorces

"Men who report getting a blow job for the first time - and men who get blown more than five times a week are reporting dramatic breakthroughs in their oral sex lives.

And women who have never had a tongue in their pussy's - and women who are being eaten more than three times a week are also reporting dramatically new action."

So sayeth Dr. Moishe Pipick - head researcher at the Institute of Sexual Research in Berne , Switzerland. -- He continued:

"And butt hole stimulation - both with mechanical devices, and with the tongue - is jumping right off the chart!"

Elise Mandelbaum - digital lifestyle reporter - asked Dr. Pipick: "Doctor - is it possible that the world wide recession is having positive cultural effects through this apparent relaxation of repressed sexual attitudes - and where people are finding pleasure in non spending behavior?"

"Absolutely!" said Dr. Pipick; " I mean -it costs nothing to lick your mates asshole or balls - and it boosts the immune system -and it produces filial and familial harmony -and we have happier and better adjusted children

And a whole cascade of positive socio/cultural benefits!"

"Can you see any downside to all this sucking and licky loving?" -Asked Ms. Mandelbaum.

"Yes - said the Doctor - those who are not getting their quotient of this powerful form of sensitive contact - will seek it elsewhere - so we expect to see a dramatic increase in folks filing for divorce based on;

"Oral sex deprivation" - Or OSD

For Majority of Terrorists It's A Great Job Stupid

" Ninety seven percent of these ignorant assholes are just illiterate victims of a culture where there is no fun - no art - no sexy women (because they have all been marginalized into human burlap bags) -

No opportunity - it's hot and dirty all the time - no toilet paper - no stuff to buy (including food) - no booze - and no doctors or medicine or soap - ydadadaddadaadda.

Their life completely sucks!

So - some pathological brainwashed from birth Al Quaeda scumbag comes along - and all of a sudden - this lost piece of human debris shitbag has a gun and power - is given three square meals - get's instant status - and maybe even some toilet paper.

A chimpanzee running around with guns and bombs -who believes he's god's right hand man - who never had so much fun until he became a jihadist - killing and maiming at will - and wiping his ass with charmin instead of his hand.

And - ninety percent of the semi normal world is sitting around wondering if they should join the fight against these rabid creatures - on their home ground - Afghanistan?

I mean - some douche bag is sitting in a cafe in Norway (or wherever) eating a sardine and wondering about the human cost of conflict -and civilian casualties and Abu Graib and torture - and maybe there's a holistic approach to all this horrible stuff?

Hey - these fucking jihadists are out there working hard at the best job they ever had or ever will have - don't you fucking get it?

It's now or never. - Let's kill all these fuckers as fast as possible - Or give them better jobs - or at least a good ole fashioned - European style -- state of the art - blow job.

Gays Should Be Free To Enlist and Fight But (oops)

When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:

He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:

And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:

"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh:

At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.

I mean - the two fags are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):

But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.

Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!

This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.

It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy with "Don't Ask Don't Tell"

It's very telling.

America Is One Demagogue Away From Revolution

Bob Herbert's op ed piece in the NY Times today stated:



Mr. Mishel has been trying to call attention to the human toll caused by job losses on this vast scale. The institute estimates that the poverty rate for children is in danger of increasing from 18 percent, which is where it was in 2007, the last year for which complete statistics are available, to a scary 27.3 percent in 2010.
For black children, you don’t want to know. But I’ll tell you anyway. The poverty rate for black kids was 34.5 percent in 2007. If the national unemployment rate rises, as expected, to the vicinity of 10 percent next year, the poverty rate for black children would rise to 50 percent or higher, analysts at the institute believe.

That would be a profound tragedy.

We already know that children are being harmed in families hammered by job losses, home foreclosures and the myriad stresses that grip families trying to cope with economic reversals. Dr. Irwin Redlener, president of the Children’s Health Fund and a professor at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health, has referred to these youngsters as the “recession generation,” and has described what is happening to them as “a quiet disaster.”



This is a prescription for massive social disruption - and it can take off as fast as those wildfires in California.



All it will take is someone who can galvanize that cauldron of misery out there in an America brought to economic ruin by the actions of greedy and rapacious AND non repentent capitalists gone wild.



And then - it's pitchforks and torches time - all across this sick land.

Star Shit Becomes Latest Collector Craze

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit

Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by Creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills:

"Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood"--

He continued; "My Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)"

Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "-- How much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say lacey Chabert? -The skys the limit!"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is - and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA announced yesterday; "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit " and Arnold Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ;

"An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- a penultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" -- what is next? -- stay tuned!

(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Celebrities Who Will Sell Their Pubic Hair For Israel

In addition to the celebrities listed below - Mr. and Mrs. Chabert (lacey's mom and dad) and her grandparents and five cousins and her boyfriend Moishe Pipick (a jewish dentist) - all will sell some pubic hair to raise money for the Jewish Defense Fund (in preparation for Israel upcoming attack on Iran's nuclear facilities):

:Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PMat 9:34 AM
at 3:01 PM

Lacey Chabert and "Mean Girls" Return In "Mean Wet Pussy"

Fox searchlight announced it is releasing "Mean Wet Pussy" for Christmas 09'.

Starring Lacey Chabert Written by (and co-starring) Tina Fey, the film features a supporting cast of Rachel McAdams, Amanda Seyfried, Lacey Chabert, and Lizzy Caplan. The film also features several Saturday Night Live cast members, including Fey, Tim Meadows, Ana Gasteyer, and Amy Poehler - Lindsey Lohan.

The movie is about a group of women who use their pussy's to capture torture and ultimately kill Islamic terrorists.

"It's like a mix of - "Charlie's Angels" and all those really cool movies that deal with rubbing out the Islamofascists" said Moishe Pipick - head of Foxlight Studios"

"Only these gals use their wet pussies as their primary weapon -and boy are they destructive."

Christopher Walken who plays Udi Nacksun - an Israeli counter intelligence general who is in charge of the team of pussies (along with his aide Colonel Elise Mandelbaum of Mossad - played by Penelope Cruz) - said in an interview yesterday:

"These girls are so horrifying - in what they do to these Islamists with their mean wet pussies -that i couldn't even get a hard on looking at Penelope's magnificent tits."

And Lacey Chabert commented; "I had no idea a wet pussy could be that dangerous and powerful !"

Well Lacey -that's something we guys have known for a long time now.

CIA Replaces Water Boarding With Nagging Jewish Wives

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends.

That would imply courtship and options for the women,

So you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife, For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been =I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......."

Well - you know the drill. - You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?

Remember -these lucky Jihadi dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman -- If a Muslim woman were to say even;

"Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

How about:"Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist ......"

At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every Mosque in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

Celebrities Who Would Go Down On Scarlett Johansson

In addition to the celebrities named below: - also on board are -- Maurie Povich - The Pope - The Dalai lahma - Michelle Obama - Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly - katie Couric - Dick and lyn Cheney - Rupert Murdoch and Courtney Cox :

Adam Sandler Aishwarya Rai Alana De La Garza Ali Landry Ali Larter Alicia Silverstone Alyson Hannigan Alyssa Milano Amanda Bynes Amanda Peet Amy Adams Amy Jo Johnson Amy Lee Amy Smart Angelina Jolie Angie Harmon Anna Faris Anna Kournikova Arielle Kebbel Ashlee Simpson Ashley Judd Ashley Scott Ashley Tisdale Autumn Reeser Avril Lavigne-------B--------Beyonce Knowles Brad Pitt Brea Grant Bridget Fonda Bridgette Wilson*Britney Spears* Brittany Murphy Brittany Snow Brooke Burns Brooke Shields-------C--------Cameron Diaz Carrie Anne Moss Cassie Ventura Catherine Zeta Jones Chandra Wilson Charisma Carpenter Charlize Theron Christina Aguilera Christina Applegate Christina Ricci Claire Forlani Claudia Schiffer Colleen Haskell Constance Marie Courteney Cox-------D--------Dakota Fanning Deanna Russo Demi Moore Denise Richards Diane Lane Diora Baird Drea De Matteo*Drew Barrymore*-------E--------Elisha Cuthbert Eliza Dushku Elizabeth Hurley Elizabeth Shue Ellen Pompeo Elsa Benitez Emily Procter Emma Watson Emmy Rossum Eric Dane Erica Durance Estella Warren Eva Longoria Eva Mendes Evangeline Lilly-------F--------Faith Hill Felicity Huffman Fergie-------G-------Gabrielle Union Gena Lee Nolin Gillian Anderson Goldie Hawn Gwyneth Paltrow-------H-------Halle Berry*Hayden Panettiere* Heather Graham Heather Locklear Heidi Klum Helen Hunt Hilary Duff Hilary Swank-------I-------Isaiah Washington-------J-------Jaime Pressly James Pickens Jr Jenna Fischer Jennie Finch Jennie Garth Jennifer Aniston Jennifer Connelly Jennifer Garner Jennifer Lopez*Jennifer Love Hewitt* Jennifer Morrison Jenny McCarthy Jeri Ryan Jessica Alba Jessica Biel Jessica Simpson Jordana Brewster Josie Maran Jude Law Jules Asner Julia Roberts Julia Stiles Justin Chambers-------K-------Kate Beckinsale Kate Hudson Kate Walsh Kate Winslet Katee Sackhoff Katherine Heigl Katie Holmes Keira Knightley Kelly Carlson Kelly Clarkson Kelly Preston Kelly Ripa Keri Russell Kiley Dean Kim Basinger Kirsten Dunst Krista Allen Kristanna Loken Kristen Bell Kristin Kreuk Kurt Russell-------L--------Lacey Chabert Laetitia Casta Laura Linney Lea Thompson Leah Remini Leelee Sobieski Leila Arcieri Lindsay Lohan Lucy Lawless Lucy Liu-------M-------*Madonna* Majandra Delfino Mandy Moore Marcy Rylan Marg Helgenberger Mariah Carey*Marisa Miller* Masi Oka Masiela Lusha Meg Ryan Melissa Hart Mena Suvari Michelle Pfeiffer Michelle Rodriguez Michelle Ryan Mike Myers Miley Ray Cyrus*Minka Kelly* Mischa Barton Missy Peregrym Molly Sims Monica Keena-------N-------Nadine Velazquez Natalie Portman Natascha McElhone Neve Campbell Nicolas Cage Nicole Eggert Nicole Kidman Nicollette Sheridan Nikki Cox-------P-------Pamela Anderson Paris Hilton Patricia Arquette Patricia Heaton Patrick Dempsey Penelope Cruz Petra Nemcova Phoebe Cates Piper Perabo-------R-------Rachael Leigh Cook Rachel Bilson Raquel Alessi Rashida Jones Rebecca Romijn-Stamos Rebecca Saint James Reese Witherspoon Renee Zellweger Robin Williams Roselyn Sanchez Russell Crowe-------S-------Salma Hayek Sandra Bullock Sandra Oh Sara Paxton Sara Ramirez Sarah Jessica Parker Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Silverman Scarlett Johansson Shakira Shannon Elizabeth Sharon Stone Sigourney Weaver Steve Martin-------T-------T.R. Knight Tara Reid Tea Leoni Teri Hatcher Thora Birch Tiffani Amber Thiessen Tim Allen Tina Fey Tobey Maguire Tom Cruise Tommy Lee Jones Tori Spelling Tricia Helfer-------U-------Uma Thurman-------V-------Valerie Bertinelli Vanessa Angel Vanessa Anne Hudgens Vanessa Ferlito Vanessa Paradis Vanessa Williams Victoria Beckham Vin Diesel Virginia Madsen-------W-------Will Smith William Shatner-------Y-------Yasmine Bleeth-------Z-------Zachary Quinto Zoe Bell Zooey Deschanelat 2:47 PM
at 9:34 AM

African leader Says Swine Flu Caused By Fucking Pigs

Jacob Zuma the recently elected leader of south Africa -who besides rape and corruption -is best known for stating that AIDS can be prevented by hand washing - announced today:

"Dis Swine Flu is coming from pig fucking - and i don't mean swiney pig fucking!"

He continued: "It is coming from the fucking of ugly women!"

'I have never fucked such a pig - and neither is any of my cabinet people allowed to fuck any piggy womans - or i cut off their balls - and we do never get de swiney flu."

Digibandit African bureau chief Elise Mandelbaum asked president Zuma: "Who decides if they are pigs or not?"

"I do! - I do! - If i won't fuck them -then they are considered to be pigs! -
And dis way i keep our nation safe from the swiney flu -just like i done
wit de AIDS."

Well - South Africa seems to be in good hands -compared to it's neighbors.