Court Jester -Slash fiction creator of incantatory creative dark energy - ideas -spells -kabbalistic journeys - and various satirical stories for fellow travelers gleefully trudging along!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Fox TV Announces "Fruit Camp"
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Worldwide "Coyote Arm" Gathering Draws Millions
Men -from around the world - who have chewed off their arm so as to not risk waking the "Beast" they found snuggled up next to them after a drunken night of partying - joined together in Basil Switzerland today -To celebrate their collegial honor and bravery -and to warn "Men Everywhere" of the potential consequences of "Drunken Passion".
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
A Simple Lie Detector Test For All Priests - OK Pope Benedick?
It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:
Are you a homo? --A pedophile?
Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?
Have you ever tongue kissed a male?
Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?
If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?
If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?
Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?
Do you think God is a homo? -A pedophile
Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest or Pedophile priest,
Oh -and we back this up with video cameras arrayed all over any place where Priests interact with kids..
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Jews To Replace Cross With Star of David
Thieves have stolen a cross in the Mojave Desertthat was built to honor Americans who died in war, less than two weeks after the U.S. Supreme Court allowed the religious symbol to remain on federal land.
The 7-foot-high cross was stolen late Sunday or early Monday by Hasidick Jews who cut the metal bolts that attached the symbol to a rock in the sprawling desert preserve, National Park Service spokeswomanLinda Slater said.
Rabbi Moishe Pipick of - Jews Who Think Christians Suck - said today from his mountain hide out:
"The goyim are fanaticks and Jew haters and right now we are all dancing around and pissing on that cross"
He went on "And by tomorrow there will be a giant Star of David sitting on top of the mountain where that goyisha cross used to be"
"Next year in Jerusalem"
Monday, May 10, 2010
NRA Say's White Students Should Carry Guns
Clem Firepower -- President of the National Rifle Association said today:
"Every High School and College classroom in America should have a white student monitor with an automatic weapon -- white teachers should have twelve gauge shotguns loaded with buckshot at the ready-
"AND -- all white students should be carrying a nine millimeter Glock with an extended clip of ammo."
Also he said; "There should be a flame thrower -- a fifty caliber machine gun and fragmentation grenades stored on every floor in case of a major assault by illegals -Jews - homos - or other non white groups."
"Every school should have a practice firing range and all non white students should be strip searched before entering the school grounds." said the President of the most powerful gun lobby in the world.
Republicans - wholehearted supporters of the NRA endorsed their proposals with the exception that blacks and hispanics could carry knives -- but no weapons for Asians or Moslems or Jews would be allowed. (retarded white kids and white dwarfs would be considered on an individual basis).
And what would you expect from an organization that traces it's roots to the Klu Klux Clan?
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Who Was The First Mother?
It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, May 08, 2010
50th Anniversary of Birth Control
What Every Girl Should Know
A thousand years ago, popular birth control methods in the Western world included spitting into the mouth of a frog, eating bees and wearing the testicles of a weasel. In Córdoba, Spain, which was supposed to be on the scientific cutting edge, women were told to leap up and down vigorously after sex, and then jump backward nine times.
Gail Collins
Related
Health Guide: Birth Control
Readers' Comments
Readers shared their thoughts on this article.
This is by way of saying that on Sunday we celebrate the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill. We live in troubled times. But let’s give thanks that we avoided the era of the weasel testicles.
Like a great many of our anniversaries, this one is a movable feast. The Food and Drug Administration actually gave G.D. Searle the go-ahead to market the first oral contraceptive (not counting bees) on June 23, 1960. But the F.D.A. announced its intention to approve the pill on May 9, which also happens to be Mother’s Day this year and, therefore, too good to resist.
This is a story about science, and obviously sex. But it’s also a saga about getting information.
American women had been limiting the size of their families long before the pill came along. In the 19th century, the fertility rate was plummeting, and ads for everything from condoms to douching syringes helped keep urban newspapers solvent. My favorite factoid from this period is that a company called National Syringe offered a model with changeable nozzles so it could be used for both birth control and watering plants.
What women did not have was the ability to figure out what actually worked. The powers-that-be believed that the only appropriate form of birth control was celibacy. “Can they not use self control?” demanded Anthony Comstock, the powerful crusader for the Sexual Purity campaign. “Or must they sink to the level of the beasts?”
Comstock managed to get New York authorities to grant him the powers to both arrest and censor, and he bragged that he sent 4,000 people to jail for helping women understand, and use, birth control. He seemed to take particular pleasure in the fact that 15 of them had committed suicide.
One of his targets was Margaret Sanger, a nurse who wrote a sex education column, “What Every Girl Should Know,” for a left-wing New York newspaper, The Call. When Comstock banned her column on venereal disease, the paper ran an empty space with the title: “What Every Girl Should Know: Nothing, by Order of the U.S. Post Office.”
Sanger was the first person to publish an evaluation of all the available forms of birth control. As a reward, she got a criminal obscenity charge. She fled to Europe to avoid going to jail, and her husband was imprisoned for passing out one of her pamphlets. In the end, he got 30 days, and Anthony Comstock got a chill during the trial that led to a fatal case of pneumonia.
It was the courts that eventually gave women the right to not only have access to birth control, but also information that told them what was available and how to use it. (The first big victory had the memorable name of U.S. v. One Package of Japanese Pessaries.) Sanger, meanwhile, helped bring together the wealthy donors and brilliant researchers who would bring forth the first effective oral contraception.
“There’s gonna be some changes made right here on Nursery Hill,” sang Loretta Lynn. “You’ve set this chicken your last time ’cause now I’ve got the pill.”
And we lived happily ever after. Except that over the last 20 years, protests from the social right have made politicians frightened of mentioning birth control and school boards frightened of including it in the curriculum.
Cecile Richards, the president of Planned Parenthood, remembers getting a pretty thorough grounding in sex and the ways to prevent pregnancy when she was in school — back in the days when the raciest thing you saw on television was Rob and Laura Petrie waking up in twin beds on the opposite side of the room. “Kids growing up today watch ‘Gossip Girl’ and all these shows where every teenager is having sex every day — and now we don’t teach sex education in school,” she noted.
Even though 100 million women take the pill every day, to the great relief of 100 million or so of their partners, the terror of mentioning birth control is so great that the humongous new health care reform act has managed to avoid bringing it up at all. Advocates are hoping that when the regulations are finally written, they will require health insurance to cover birth control pills like any other drug. But nobody is sure.
“If the administration would announce tomorrow that all birth control would be free for every woman in America, I think the health care plan would gain 30 points in popularity overnight,” said Richards.
Thursday, May 06, 2010
Gays Should Be Free To Enlist and Fight But (oops)
When Marine Staff Seargent Lon McCracken returns to the barracks after surviving another deadly day on tour in Afghanistan:
He puts down his gear and staggers into the shower - exhausted and edgy and sore as hell from chasing Talibani fighters up big mountains all day in the heat:
And as he turns on the water he hears from the next shower stall:
"Oh Manny - oh Manny - ooh - ahhh - i love it! -OOH i love it - but please Ernie -for gods sake - use some more soap - your dick is practically in my colon -- ooh -- ooh:
At this point seargent Mc Cracken has grabbed his bayonet and in about three seconds Manny and Ernie are going to get some radical surgery.
I mean - the two fags are just doing what comes naturally -and personally i don't care if a guy gets a blow job while shooting his machine gun at the enemy (as long as it doesn't affect his aim):
But - a lot of those southern crackers who make up about ninety five percent of the military are going to be a bit annoyed at seeing their comrades getting butt fucked and sucked off all over the battlefield and baracks.
Oh - and god forbid if the homos start ass fucking the enemy -oye vey!
This is a very thorny issue - because if the ignorant rednecks stop enlisting - we won't have enough infantry left to invade newfoundland.
It's kinda hard (oops) to cornhole your fagot buddy with "Don't Ask Don't Tell"
It's very telling.
Monday, May 03, 2010
"Fly Nude Airlines" -Security Guaranteed
Northwest Air announced it's "Fly Nude" Airline Division with a Nude press conference at the beverly Hill's Tanning Center in Los Angeles.
Sunday, May 02, 2010
"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP
Dr.Moishe Pipick - President of The AARP (Almost Alive Retired People) -which covers 68% of ALL seniors -announced today:
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
Goldman Sachs Should Manage All US Revenue
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Endangered Homeowners Should Take In Prisoners
Hey - with one in thirty two 'Folks" on probation or incarcerated in the good ole USA (most for non -violent crimes)- at an average annual cost in Federal prison of over 50k per year - why not let homeowners who can't make their payments:
Get paid by Uncle Sam to house them!
The average homeowner could take two prisoners for say half of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income to pay the mortgage - and enough left over to go shopping,
The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.
And - Plenty of dough available to help the States pay for teachers.
Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.
(Oh -and the government would pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners - of course)
AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Better World If British Won The American Revolution
Sunday, April 04, 2010
80% of US Women and 30% of Men Would Have Sex With Jesus
Sunday, April 04, 2010
Now that the Shroud of Turin has been converted into a 3D accurate image of Jesus Christ - a national poll by The Pew Research foundation has revealed that an overwhelming majority of women and a significant percentage of men would have sex with him.
at 4:03 PM
Thursday, April 01, 2010
Jesus Spending Easter With Anna Nicole Smith Again
Jesus said,"I'm more interested in erection than resurrection right now!"
He was overheard talking with a bartender in Malibu; " I was cooped up with God for so long without any pussy that i just went nuts -- when Anna died i decided to jump her,and now all i can think about is making up for lost time --the simple truth is that Jesus is a party animal!"
"I plan on spending Easter with Anna and Marilyn Monroe and maybe ava Gardner and Scarlett Johanson.
"The great thing about being Jesus is that i get to fuck all the pussy i want --dead or alive."
He concluded,"Anyway ,it's gonna be a great Easter -- as Anna always says -- "Jesus, you give new meaning to bringing back the dead ."
And as for my Father -- if he didn't hog all the pussy for himself and his disciples -- i wouldn't have turned into a wild cunt man."
"Happy Easter everyone~
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
The Founding Father's Take On Sarah Palin
Monday, March 29, 2010
The Rich Play The Poor Suckers Like Violins
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Children Are Not Sacred To Catholic Church
Depraved soul grabbing malignant animals - congenitally repressed -they have to be sent to prison -the whole filthy child ruining bunch of them
New York TimesTop Vatican officials — including the futurePope Benedict XVI — did not defrock a priest who molested as many as 200 deaf boys, even though several American bishops repeatedly warned them that failure to act on the matter could embarrass the church, according to church files newly unearthed as part of a lawsuit.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Mohammad Using Hollywood To Reach Muslims
Steven Spielberg and James Cameron, addressing a group of leaders in the Entertainment industry summed up their mission and conference objective:
"We will use all our acquired skills in manipulating people to stare at TV and Computer and Game screens for over forty hour a week --- to bring about world peace -- starting in Iraq!"
"Our first mission --using the illusionary magic skills of David Blackstone will be to project a life like image of the Prophet Mohammad in the sky over Baghdad,where he will proclaim to his followers that suicide bombing and the killing of innocents is absolutely prohibited by the Koran "
Mohammad will proclaim "There are sixteen hundred and fifty four Muslims who sit in boiling pig fat 24/7 up here -- who thought they would be boffing Virgins in Paradise!"
"Are you fucking nuts? -- read my words! -- where does it say you are too act like deranged and cruel slaughtering monkeys in the name of Allah?"
'You want to get into the boffing section of my Paradise - Then start being faithful to the true Koran -and go out and hug a Jew -TODAY!"
Spielberg - in closing said "Mohammad is really pissed and wer'e going to help him get his message out''
AND - as a matter of fact -when you think about it - who else would the wise Prophet turn too in helping his people -- than the Jews in Hollywood (irony worthy of Woody Allen).
Casting for the Voice of Mohammad -- i vote for Robin Williams -- You?