Sugi Matsuguggi head of The japanese Sumo Wrestling Federation announced today in Tokyo::
"We are on a push to invigorate Sumo Wrestling and unfortunately we do not have enough raw material in Japan for our expansion and modernization strategy - we need a big supply of obese young men (and women) to work with and turn into exciting Sumo stars for the next generation."
He continued: "America has the highest number of morbidly obese young men and women on Earth and we are going to tap into that deep well of blubbery talent"
digibandit Hollywood reporter elise mandelbaum asked him: 'isn't it dangerous to put obese young men and women into an intense physical training regimen."
"Very dangerous!" answered Suggi "Many will drop dead BUT what kind of life do these young men and women have to look forward to now?"
He concluded: "Better to die quickly and have a chance at money power fame and hot pussy -than to die in despair with a Big Mac in your lap."
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Fox Announces -The Search for Osama's Skeleton
"We are gonna scour the Ocean with the same team of expert underwater Treasure Hunters that discovered the Titanic and bring up Osama's Skeleton and sell it in what will be the world's greatest auction event -- AND the revenue will go to the 911 victim's families" --said Myron Schlockmeister Prexy of Fox TV in a startling press conference in hollywood today.
"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"
Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"
Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"
"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."
"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"
"Wow!" -exclaimed Moishe Pipick,LA Burea Chief for The New York Times. He went on "This will certainly be the biggest event in TV history and maybe in the history of the world - because IF you find his Skeleton you know the fanatical Muslims will go ape shit world wide"
Schlockmeister replied," Heh Heh -fuck em all! -Oh and we WILL find that fucker's carcass - because we have inside info from the Aircraft Carrier's logs about where they dumped him -and our crew is the best in the world at finding shit in the deepest parts of the World's oceans"
Digibandit Entertainment Reporter Elise Mandelbaum asked:"Isn't it against the Shariah Code of Muslim Justice to bother a dead Muslim's body?"
"Sharia LAW? -That's a fucking oxymoron if ever i heard one! -- Hey Elise in Iran they would stone you to death just for showing off those big tits of yours."
"Fuck you Schlockmeister!"
Sunday, June 19, 2011
First Father's Day Began With A Blow Stick
Historians have recorded that there was a tradition to celebrate Father's Day even thousands of years ago. Their study say that 4,000 years ago in Babylon a son called Elmesu carved a father's day message on a clay card. In his message Elmesu wished his father a long and healthy life. There is no knowledge as to what happened to this father son duo but it is believed that several countries retained the custom of celebrating Father's Day.
Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.
About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:
"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"
See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.
Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:
A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.
See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.
WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"
And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"
And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"
Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.
So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.
So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.
AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.
But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.
Well - if you believe that i have a nice cabin in Kyrgestan i can sell you cheap.
About 60 thousand years ago after eons of men shtupping anything that moved and then moving on to his next foxy Huntress gatherer -like:
"So what if you have a little one -what's that got to do with MY shtupping -and anyway -how does shtupping result in that little one? Go prove it (ancestor to first Jewish lawyer?)"
See -the cause and effect of shtupping resulting in a child -let alone YOUR child - was not figured out yet.
Well one day this cave woman Mildred tries something original and sneaks into the cave where Oorgy her main shtupper was sleeping and she gives him a present that the Tribal Witch and Healer - Esther Pipick - told her about:
A blow stick! - Which no one had dared tried before except Odin who blew stick the wrong guy and wound up with his skull bashed in -anyway -back to Mildred and Oorgy and Esther Pipick the Witch.
See -Esther had first discovered the blow stick when one night she was blowing on a stick with meat on it to cool it off -and being a witch she came up with the concept for the First blow JOB when Oorgy - sitting across from her at the fire ring - reacted to her blowing on the stick by having HIS weiner stick protrude out of his loincloth by ten inches ( see-HE didn't know why but Esther put stick and dick together right away.
WELL -when Oorgy comes too after his blow stick experience -he says "Holy shit Mildred -what the fuck was that? -I want more!"
And Mildred says "Well you gave me a baby from your shtupping and THAT blow stick was your Father's Day gift"
And Oorgy replied "Oh yeah! -that's MY son allright -absotutely -100% -He's a beauty -strong and so smart -and well hung just like me -and i can't wait until NEXT Father's day"
Unfortunately with the taming of men and the rise of Christianity and sin and it's residual sexual repression - Material gifts were gradually substituted for the blow jobs by many women hence precipitating the rise in divorce and subsequent breakdown of the traditional family unit.
So you see how that first blow stick evolved into the Father's Day we celebrate today -AND - to this very day there are women who give one or less blow jobs a year -Just like Mildred.
So today let's have a moment of silence for all those fathers who will get a tie instead of a blow job.
AND give a big hip hip hooray to all those gals to whom a blow job is just another day -like a walk in the park.
But most of all a big hat's off to Esther Pipick The Witch and her first pupil --Mildred -and to Oorgy -First father and blow stick recipient.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Fox Announces"Huma and Anthony"
Yes -the Weiner's are coming to Prime Time as Fox reality TV President Myron Schlocker announced from The Beverly Hills Hotel today:
"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"
He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"
Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"
He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.
"Anthony and Huma have committed to a Twitter and Facebook and You Tube blitzkrieg in an exciting new Fox reality series where the whole world will get to to see BOTH Huma and Tony interact with some of the strangest men and women on Earth and provide therapeutic insight into a large hunk of the human population that lives in sexual delusion across the internet"
He went on: "It's just another example of us here at Fox TV trying to make the world better through intelligent Reality television"
Digibandit Hollywood Bureau Chief Elise Mandelbaum queried Schlocker: " C'mon Myron -this is just more crappy exploitation of your audience of mostly morons using sick and tortured celebs to titillate and make money - like Sarah Palin and Bernie Madoff (Breakfast with Bernie) -isn't it"
He replied: "Wrong miss smarty big tits -IF i wanted to titillate we would have called it 'Anthony's Weiner With Huma's Saurkraut" -like my creative team recommended.
Wednesday, June 08, 2011
Anthony WEiner and Wife Should Read this Old Digibandit Blog
Hillary and Bill Complete Oral Sex Boot Camp With Honors
Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:
" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -
"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."
"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"
Responding to attacks by Barak Obamalama that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today:
" After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
She continued; "After Bill and i completed an extremely demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which, bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving. (oops)" -
"Bill came in first in the class and i came in second. ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds."
"Bill, now says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Stay tuned for --candidates views on oral sex -- it's all about "Values"
Monday, June 06, 2011
Google Announces Fantasy Masturbation App
Dr.Moishe Pipick -the mastermind of Google Apps and head of development for the recently established Google Division 'Google Sexual Stimulation Apps Worldwide' announced today at their headquarters in Berne,Switzerland:
"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"
"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"
Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!
"The Fantasy Masturbation App is going to become the hottest App in the industry! - It allows users to select from a menu of sexually stimulating visions which appear on the screen -with music from your personal library and provides the option for accompanying "Hot talk" personalized to your pre programmed input about what turns you on AND it has an orgasm button that activates the accompaniment of orgasmic cries at exactly the moment you desire"
Dr. Pipick went on; "The app is linked to Facebook and Twitter for easy sharing of the experience AND a special You Tube Google App Masturbation Channel will allow users to share the whole experience visually (Parental approval required for those under 9 years of age) -OH and of course the fantasy options menu will include homo's and every trans gender imagineable - (Options for Beastiality and Pedophile Priests are currently on hold and under review)"
"In conclusion" Pipick stated "And in these tough times horny folks of all ages will be able to stay right in their easy chair and have the time of their life - For under five bucks they can have a TOTALLY fulfilling sexual experience AND no bullshit pre coital chat AND it doesn't matter how fat and ugly and poor they are AND your App Date dissapears when you press "THE END" (unless you sign on for the post sex pillow talk option)"
Where do i get one? - Like yesterday!
Wednesday, June 01, 2011
Momma Grizzly claims - America getting Stronger through DECONSTRUCTION
"Economists who have studied the impact of floods, tornadoes and hurricanes have found that after the initial anguish and huge economic disruptions, periods of increased economic activity frequently follow as insurance money and disaster relief flow in to jump-start rebuilding." said Sarah Palin today on a break from a meeting with Fox TV regarding their upcoming new Reality Series 'Mormon's Gone Wild" which she and Todd will co executive produce for them.
"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."
Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"
She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND
With the National rallying cry of:
"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"
Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?
"When researchers studied the economic impact of a deadly tornado that hit Oklahoma City in 1999, they found that the labor market improved after the storm, and not just in the construction sector." Said Dr. Moishe Pipick head of The REpublican Task Force for American Renewal and a close ally of the Palin family."
Sarah Palin a huge booster of this new economic stimulus concept continued her endorsement: "AND - the tornadoes that devastated Joplin. Mo. and The Mississippi River flooding both promise to be significant econonomic boosters for those areas - Hey ! Gee! -Let's just start fucking blowing stuff up!"
She went on; "Let's just start knocking down stuff and get paid to replace it! - Plenty of jobs -folks back to buying all that unecessary crap again -credit rip offs for all - BETTER than a War! AND
With the National rallying cry of:
"America! - Getting Stronger EVERY Day -- Through DECONSTRUCTION"
Hey -This could be the campaign platform that moves Momma Grizzly on to The White House -if it's still satanding?
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
California Prisoners For Rent To Endangered Home Owners By California
Can't make your mortgage payment?
Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.
Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.
The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.
And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)
Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.
Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.
AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)
It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!
(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)
Why not get paid by California and Uncle Sam to house inmates and help the State comply with yesterday's Supremo Court ruling.
Under my plan the soon to be evicted homeowner's could take two prisoners for say one third of what the Fed pays out - and have enough income (after expenses) to pay the mortgage - and plenty left over to go shopping.
The prisoners would have a chance to acclimate back into society in a way that might cut down on recidivism -saving society a ton of grief and money.
And - Plenty of saved dollars available to help the States pay for teachers.(or more Prisons or Casinos)
Hey - this may be the digibandit's best idea for saving America - since recommending Bernie Madoff for Treasury Secretary.
Oh -and the government would of course pay a hefty premium for homeowners who house violent prisoners.
AND -Huge bonus' available for those who house pedaphiles. (and queer Priests)
It's a win for the States for the Feds -for the Homeowners -for the Prisoners -and for the Economy AND one hell of a reality program -I'm calling Fox!
(The prisoner's that don't get rented get sold to foreign countries as slaves -but that's another story)
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Blind Prostitutes are The Answer!
Look -let's be realistic - Alpha Males rolling in fame power and money need a lot of sex with young hot babes!
Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!
The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."
I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)
Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).
It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.
Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!
It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!
Arnold or that French asshole from the IMF - Bill Clinton (oh my god the list of famous pols and titans of industry and celebrities who have ruined themselves and their families when all they need is some sexual diversity is endless! -It's a terrible waste!
The problem is that they can't just call up Madam X and say "Hey it's the Governor -send over two Russian Ballerina types to my suite at The Beverly Hills Hotel -oh and throw in a dwarf with big tits -and money is no object."
I mean - if Arnold likes to grope -so what? - He could afford to have a weekly "Grope fest" with the hottest babes on Earth -AND - be totally satisfied and go about his business as a great husband and father for the rest of his life IF he could just hire some hookers and not wind up on the Today Show next morn (just like most rich unfamous married guys do on a regular basis)
Solution - a High Class Prostitution Ring that only employs blind women (and men).
It's a win win situation for the families of these high powered horny men -and for the prostitutes -and for all of us because if these guys are content they will be more effective.
Oh -and horny Catholic Bishops wouldn't have to cornhole little kids to get their rocks off AND AND AND even The Pope could get laid! -AND wouldn't THAT have a salutory effect on the world!
It's like a trickle down sex effect -the Republicans should love it!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Study Shows Fox News Viewers Dysfunctional
A new study by the Institute For Audience Analysis shows that Fox News viewers do not have the brains or lifestyles that would enable them to understand the balanced news reporting in The other Sunday news programs:
Broadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54
The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.
In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)
Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.
He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"
Broadcast Sunday Morning News Shows - Weekly Average Ratings (May 8, 2011)
NBC: Meet the Press 3.47 million total viewers; 0.9 and 1.11 million A25-54
CBS: Face the Nation 2.92 million total viewers; 0.7 and 913,000 A25-54
ABC: This Week 2.46 million total viewers; 0.6 and 755,000 A25-54
FOX: FOX News Sunday 1.13 million total viewers; 0.3 and 435,000 A25-54
The study further analyzed the Fox weekly News Viewers and found that 40% were drunk or high on drugs while viewing and had only a two percent recall of what they watched.
In addition the average IQ of Fox News viewers was 67% lower than on PBS and 49% lower than on CNN and MSNBC - AND - that over 33% had over 34% body fat - AND average credit scores under 400. (and had never read a book)
Moishe Pipick president of the Advertising Council said that based on this comprehensive research they would no longer recommend Fox News for advertising except for generally downscale products and Guns and Alcohol related ads.
He stated: "It is now apparent that Fox News generates a basically low intellect - and dysfunctional demographic"
Saturday, May 07, 2011
Who Was The First Mother?
IT'S MOM'S DAY again AND MY WEIRD MIND IS THINKING ABOUT THE FIRST MAN AND WOMAN WHO BLUNDERED INTO A SEXUAL UNION -- CULMINATING NINE MONTHS LATER IN THE "EARTH'S FIRST MOTHER." (AND SUBSEQUENT FIRST MOTHER'S DAY)
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !
Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy and a personal god please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.
But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?
A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)
The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one) Say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)
And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).
Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shticken ein huge lognin ent me !" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick ( later becomes 'Dick') -- in me"
And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved from '"oopee" to "pooshme"to '"pussy woopee" to finally "pussy wipped' and 'pussy"
Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.
And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih THEIR births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know !
Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to REMEMBER what they did.
Happy Mother's Day!
Friday, May 06, 2011
"Out With A Bang!" Plan Endorsed By AARP
DR.MOISHE PIPICK - PRESIDENT OF THE AARP (ALMOST ALIVE RETIRED PEOPLE) -WHICH COVERS 68% OF ALL SENIORS -ANNOUNCED TODAY:
“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about
Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:
"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!
Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"
Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."
“Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about About $67 billion — nearly a third of the money spent by Medicare — goes to patients in the last two years of life. The need to spend less money at the end of life “is the elephant in the room,” Evan Thomas wrote in “The Case for Killing Granny,” the cover story in last week’s Newsweek. “Everyone sees it but no one wants to talk about
Dr. Pipick continued: "Under the 'Go Out With A Bang!" plan - If you have less than three years to live - -THen - instead of wasting away and being shlepped from one test and one Doctor to another -and then finally and inevitably expiring with your loved ones broke while watching you turn into a dead cabbage roll:
"You can "Go Out With A Bang" - Yep -we'll give you a cash payment (twenty percent of what your treatment would have been) and ALL the drugs and/or booze you want - including synthetic Viagra which will turn your libido back 50 years -AND then you have access to all the Male and/or Female hookers you desire until the deal terminates!
Pipick concluded; " The savings wil result in the average medical plan costing most folks under three -hundred dollars a year -And that's with universal coverage - including illegal aliens!"
Republican leaders said "This will save the economy" And The Tea Partu called it a breakthrough in controlling medical costs."
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
Shoulda Buried Osama In A Pig Skin
The mostly peace loving Muslims around the world tell us that Osama's virulent brand of nihilistic Islam "slaughter the Infidels -they are evil and corrupt -and go to Paradise for your eternal rewards" is outside any interpretation of The Koran - SO Hence:
The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO
Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.
We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.
Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!
Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"
"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"
Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"
The slaughtering of innocent civilians places Osama and his ilk OUTSIDE the traditional Canon's of Muslim ritual SO
Why then would we want to let Muslim terrorists know they will be handled with care in their afterlife.
We should announce that henceforth any Muslim killed while planning or engaging in terrorist acts against civilians will be sewn up in a pigskin and buried in it - to remain THEREIN for eternity.
Well - There goes a huge juicy incentive!
Think 'Name That Price" without prizes - Oops -where did the contestants all disappear too?"
"Hey Farook -wear this vest -blow up a bus load of kids and you are set for Eternity"
Farook "Fuck You Arick -I heard about that Pigskin shit!"
Monday, April 25, 2011
Pope Tells Africans To Stop Fucking
On his way to Africa last month, he said the best strategy is the church's effort to promote sexual responsibility through abstinence and monogamy. -No condoms allowed! -No sport fucking!
"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:
"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"
'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!
But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)
"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."
These guys are from another planet!
"Hey you dysfunctional folks out there on the Dark Continent - i know your'e having trouble not chopping up everyone in sight -and you make a dollar a day - and your'e hot and dirty - and you have no toilet paper or TV or radio or socks -or even drugs -and there are flies eating up your eyeballs:
"But i - Your Popa - don't have a cock and i am very happy -so donta you worry about getting laid -- i hear it's very messy!"
'If you absolutely have to stick your biga blacka dicka in something -find a young boy -lika my priests."
That Pope is quite a guy!
But the Church is tone deaf - here's the latest statement from The Black Bishops (who would fuck any altar boy that's not armed even if he has advanced stage leprosy)
"The bishops did not veer from Vatican policy opposing the use of condoms to prevent the spread of H.I.V. and AIDS. “The problem cannot be overcome by the distribution of prophylactics,” they wrote. Instead, they urged abstinence among the unmarried and fidelity among the married. “Such a course of action not only offers the best protection against the spread of this disease but is also in harmony with Christian morality,” they wrote."
These guys are from another planet!
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Easter Alert! -- Confessions To Homo Priests Don't Count Says Pope
In an amazing revelation from His Eminence in the Vatican today; The Pope asserted during an interview with the Catholic Times Magazine, that Catholics who gave their confessions to homo Priests would not be absolved from their sins -- he stated;
"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"
"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."
"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."
The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."
"Priests who have been found outa to be queers have no standing with Goda, and any absolutions whicha they gave --are null and voida!"
Catholic Times Vatican reporter, Faba Nugatzi asked the Pope; "But your emminence, these Catholic members of your flock had no way of knowing that they were confessing to homo's - and if their sins are serious and not forgiven -- they will go to Hell?"
"Atsa tough titty!", replied the Pope. "Do you thinka God isa gonna accept the Confession from a Priest who just gota finished sticking hisa tinga into some young Altar boy?"
The reporter replied, "But your Holiness, i was talking to a man who confessed that he had sodomized and tortured his three year old son while he was under the influence of pain killers and alcohol due to post traumatic stress syndrome from serving in Iraq - as a life long Catholic he lived in constant fear of going to Hell prior to his confession. - SO NOW - What will he do when he hears your announcement that he will not be absolved from his venal sins?"
The Pope answered,"Well he is justa gonna have to commit his sins all over again and finda, if he can, a non homo Priest -- and confess all over again, and then he will hava fresh starta with Goda."
"But Your Emminence --that makes no sense! -- it's cruel and an abomination of Christ's Gospel."
The Pope concluded, "Well thatsa the Churcha for you -- Happy Easter."
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Godzilla Strikes Again in Dolphin Revenge Attack
Kawa Socki and his son Sockit Toomi along with Ichi Goomi and Ticki Tocki and Icho Icho Onaa and Fu King Aay were all killed by Godzilla while slaughtering Dolphin in a cove near their remote village in Grababitchi -- three hundred kilometers from Tokyo.
Dr.Oh Myomi Medical Examiner for the Kizmertucki province said today:
"We found Godzilla tracks with huge radiation levels apparent -and were able to identify the bodies because he had not eaten their heads."
He concluded;"We think Godzilla was outraged by the Dolphin slaughter!"
"AND -the radiation is making him stronger all the time"
Dr.Oh Myomi Medical Examiner for the Kizmertucki province said today:
"We found Godzilla tracks with huge radiation levels apparent -and were able to identify the bodies because he had not eaten their heads."
He concluded;"We think Godzilla was outraged by the Dolphin slaughter!"
"AND -the radiation is making him stronger all the time"
Friday, April 22, 2011
Godzilla Spotted In Japan
Ichyo Fumaspumo who lives on the tiny island of Woweezuma was fishing yesterday when he heard a load roar and saw the head of Godzilla appear about two hundred yards out in the ocean
"Holy shit!" he exclaimed to a team of reporters who flew in overnight "A fucking Earthquale and a Tsunami and the destroyed nuclear reactors spilling out radiation - We should have known it was just a matter of time before Godzilla returned"
Reports of missing vessels in the area coupled with the rescue of a seamen from a Whale and Dolphin killing trawler have created a frenzy in Tokyo which would be Godzilla's likely target.
The seamen who is being held in isolation by the japanese Coast Guard was heard to be screaming:
"It's Godzilla and he is pissed off about the killing of all his Dolphin and Whale friends and who has gotten a lot of new energy from all the Nuclear Radiation" in the Ocean." said Shoogi Zoomi head of Japan's Oceanic and Marine Institute.
WOW! When you think of all the problems a localized Nuclear Disaster can create - Just imagine what a ten killitron nuclear warhead would do to your daily routine.
And then think about Iran with a weapon in the hands of those cookoo death worshipping Mullahs - or the extremists in pakistan?
Godzilla would seem like your pet iguana!
"Holy shit!" he exclaimed to a team of reporters who flew in overnight "A fucking Earthquale and a Tsunami and the destroyed nuclear reactors spilling out radiation - We should have known it was just a matter of time before Godzilla returned"
Reports of missing vessels in the area coupled with the rescue of a seamen from a Whale and Dolphin killing trawler have created a frenzy in Tokyo which would be Godzilla's likely target.
The seamen who is being held in isolation by the japanese Coast Guard was heard to be screaming:
"It's Godzilla and he is pissed off about the killing of all his Dolphin and Whale friends and who has gotten a lot of new energy from all the Nuclear Radiation" in the Ocean." said Shoogi Zoomi head of Japan's Oceanic and Marine Institute.
WOW! When you think of all the problems a localized Nuclear Disaster can create - Just imagine what a ten killitron nuclear warhead would do to your daily routine.
And then think about Iran with a weapon in the hands of those cookoo death worshipping Mullahs - or the extremists in pakistan?
Godzilla would seem like your pet iguana!
Saturday, April 16, 2011
ABC Announces co production with 'Acme Plumbing and Television'- "Dancing With Disabilities"
Remember the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Acme Plumbing and TV -- " It's a natural spin-off when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."
He went on: "The Pipick Brothers -Moe and Arnold - Have become well known for their creativity and have established quite a track record with Reality Shows like "Star Shit""Fake Funeral"and their new animation feature for gay kids ""Studsey The Queer Bull" -We look forward to a long term collaboration with this new exciting production company.
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by Hollywood entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has been announced but Variety has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
Cretin concluded: "Oh -The Pipicks - Moe and Arnold, wanted me to remind his many friends and neighbors and long-term customers that rest assured "We'll still be keeping your shit flowing -EVEN while were busy keeping the hit shit television flowing!"
He went on: "The Pipick Brothers -Moe and Arnold - Have become well known for their creativity and have established quite a track record with Reality Shows like "Star Shit""Fake Funeral"and their new animation feature for gay kids ""Studsey The Queer Bull" -We look forward to a long term collaboration with this new exciting production company.
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."
Asked by Hollywood entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"
"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
No host has been announced but Variety has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)
Cretin concluded: "Oh -The Pipicks - Moe and Arnold, wanted me to remind his many friends and neighbors and long-term customers that rest assured "We'll still be keeping your shit flowing -EVEN while were busy keeping the hit shit television flowing!"
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
The New Catholic Mass Should Require Homo Alert
Can you believe THIS horseshit?
"One of the most noticeable changes is in the Nicene Creed, the statement of faith that Catholics learn to recite as children. Currently, Catholics say that Jesus is “one in being with the Father,” but in the future they will say that Jesus is “consubstantial with the Father.” This is one of several changes that include unfamiliar vocabulary.
The new mass MUST require every Priest and the Pope -before every mass - to announce:
"I will not use the power - as a representative of god on Earth - to stick my weeny in the butt of an Alter boy -or any one under the age of 35 -of whatever faith"
BECAUSE you should be less concerned about whether Johnny Jr. is memorizing the Latest Catholic mumbo jumbo - than him being coerced to suck off Father Peter "Because God likes to watch that Johnny -so be a good little Catholic and open wide."
Crude? Crude? -it's happening as we speak! And those rotten fucking perverted priests will never change -and never get the severity of the horror of it -and never stop covering each others asses about it. (oops a pun)
We need women in the priesthood and mandatory castration for the men after they take their vows!
"One of the most noticeable changes is in the Nicene Creed, the statement of faith that Catholics learn to recite as children. Currently, Catholics say that Jesus is “one in being with the Father,” but in the future they will say that Jesus is “consubstantial with the Father.” This is one of several changes that include unfamiliar vocabulary.
The new mass MUST require every Priest and the Pope -before every mass - to announce:
"I will not use the power - as a representative of god on Earth - to stick my weeny in the butt of an Alter boy -or any one under the age of 35 -of whatever faith"
BECAUSE you should be less concerned about whether Johnny Jr. is memorizing the Latest Catholic mumbo jumbo - than him being coerced to suck off Father Peter "Because God likes to watch that Johnny -so be a good little Catholic and open wide."
Crude? Crude? -it's happening as we speak! And those rotten fucking perverted priests will never change -and never get the severity of the horror of it -and never stop covering each others asses about it. (oops a pun)
We need women in the priesthood and mandatory castration for the men after they take their vows!
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Fox Tv Announces - "From Fags To Stags" Boot Camp
"You come in as a Homo and leave as a Romeo" says executive producer Moishe Pipick speaking on behalf of Fox Reality Pres.Mike Schlocko who is away visiting Bernie Madoff in federal Prison to discuss a potential program.'Weekend at Bernie's"
"Over the course of twelve weeks our drill instructors -who make Victoria Secrets models look like boys -and who in addition to being the greatest pieces of ass on Earth -are also behavioral psychiatrists -will have these homo recruits screwing like a Guido on the Jersey Shore"
Pipick went on; "we will follow them as they convert from "Tuchas Tigers" - into "Snatch Busters" -and we will witness the pride and joy that their families will experience in seeing their transition into happy and fulfilled "Real Men"
"This is another example of Fox Reality TV's commitment to presenting compelling -must watch programs -while simultaneously helping to uplift society."
He concluded; "The one disappointment in the production is that we had to eliminate the Priests from the Boot Camp"
"They were using it to prey (oops a pun) on the recruits and to try and cornhole all the young kids in the area where we where shooting"
He concluded: "If you have a homo friend or family member or are a fagott yourself - call us at 1-800- stagfag - camp -and start on the road to heterosexual misery. (ha ha ha)
"Over the course of twelve weeks our drill instructors -who make Victoria Secrets models look like boys -and who in addition to being the greatest pieces of ass on Earth -are also behavioral psychiatrists -will have these homo recruits screwing like a Guido on the Jersey Shore"
Pipick went on; "we will follow them as they convert from "Tuchas Tigers" - into "Snatch Busters" -and we will witness the pride and joy that their families will experience in seeing their transition into happy and fulfilled "Real Men"
"This is another example of Fox Reality TV's commitment to presenting compelling -must watch programs -while simultaneously helping to uplift society."
He concluded; "The one disappointment in the production is that we had to eliminate the Priests from the Boot Camp"
"They were using it to prey (oops a pun) on the recruits and to try and cornhole all the young kids in the area where we where shooting"
He concluded: "If you have a homo friend or family member or are a fagott yourself - call us at 1-800- stagfag - camp -and start on the road to heterosexual misery. (ha ha ha)
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