New Study Finds That Hunters Have Shorter Penis'

For years psychiatrists and psychologists and cognitive neurologists have tried to understand how human males can enjoy destroying wildlife.

"Blasting away at beautiful creatures -- and enjoying the susequent pain and destruction of sentient creatures for no absolute necessity, has always baffled .us" said Mathew Pinsker,national director of Research into Morons (or RIM).

RIM has now conclusively documented that animal killers are driven to compensate for a lack of complete "Manhood"


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Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq

The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce,in his Sate of The Union address ,that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:

"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya .for example. -- They are small but tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq".

'I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos heh! heh!) and VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers "

Fox Announces "Witch Doctors" a Reality Competition

"the next big thing in reality programs will be 'Voodoo Reality' and the audience will love it" said Moishe Pipick,Fox head of alternative reality programming at the NATPE convention in las Vegas.

Terminally ill patients will be brought to a v illage in the remote Burundi Highlands in Africa,where Witch Doctors will compete to cure a group of hopeless patients and restore thir health.

There will be Judging and prizes and internet voting -- if a patient should not respond and die,his family will receive a cash award.

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Elderly Women Break Walking Record

Barbara Lurie and Berta Munchengrappen have broken the long distance Jewish Women walking record in the over 85 category.

National Jewish Women's walking director,Mollie Ginsberg stated today :

"Relying on an exclusive diet of kosher pickles and stuffed cabbage,they walked 50 miles (25 times around the perimeter of Century Village in West Palm Beach Florida) in 12 hours and 22 minutes. -- they are a model of strength and fortitude for all of us".

The women in accepting their award said they where in a hurry to get to a Mahjong game but sent regards to their Grandchildren "who never call us -- so we keep busy by walking"

Asked how they would spend their award money:

Berta said she would get a hearing aid and Barbara said "What".

3D Artist's Totally Amazing Adventure

Sir Vasco De Gama, descendent of the famous Portuguese explorer who circumnavigated the globe in 1672, announced today,at the Explorer's Club in NYC, that Lee Nelson (an award winning animator) had circled the world in a tiny outboard motorboat (9 feet long with a 25 horsepower ancient evinrude motor) he had rented on Catalina Island off the coast of his home in Hollywood.

"It is a triumph of the human spirit and ranks with the greatest exploration achievements in History."

In accepting the Legion Of Explorer's medal, Mr. Nelson stated:

" wow -- i dropped my Swedish hottie off at the dock because she was being an asshole and i got lost in the fog -- and i just kept going -- kinda like Columbus dude."

He went on to say that "sponsorship opportunitiea where rolling in,and a new challenge was forthcoming"

When asked about the best part of his achievement he said "the babes,dude"

Exclusive From The Bandit -- Dwarfs and Pigs to Join forces In Iraq

The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:

Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.

He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"

One Half Hour Ago

White House spokesman Tony Snow announced this morning that the President will not be going to serve in a front line combat unit in Iraq.

To charges from the Democrats that he "turned yellow"--- Mr. Snow responded " Our top Military leaders finally convinced him that if captured and tortured ,the President would give away high level strategic information -- jeapordizing National security.

The President had maintained that being tortured by liberal Democrats for the past six years had prepared him for anything the terrorists could administer.

Ted Kennedy ,speaking for the Democrats said " He doesn't even remember what he had for breakfast let alone any high level intelligence -- he 's just chicken ".

Hillary Responds To Cheney

"The last time the Vice President used a gun he almost killed his best friend -- we have enough troubles in Iraq without another yahoo on the front lines -- and when it comes to butchiness,why don't you send Lyn Cheney over to the battle -- she wouldn't need a weapon to scare the terrorists -- her face would do the trick".

Cheney Wants To Join Bush In Combat Role

Vice President Dick Cheney said "if it wasn't for my bad ticker i'd go insurgent huntin with the President."He further stated "it's just too damn bad that Obama Bomama (or whatever his name is) and some of those other cut and running Democrats don't grab a rifle and get to the front lines alongside our brave boys -- and how about Hillary? -- hell, she's butch enough to throw a few hand grenades at the insurgents."

Just in --Pelosi denies Bush combat leak

"It is insane for anyone to suggest that the democratic leader of the House of Representatives would leak the location of the combat unit that the President is patrolling with", said Nancy Pelosi. "I don't have that information -- Carl Levin on the other hand?"

Huge Breaking News -- Bush to join combat unit

President Bush announced this morning that he will begin to serve active front-line military duty in Iraq.

He will be posted,immediately, to a front line combat unit as an infantry pvc in a rifle squad under an undisclosed Sergeant.

He has been taking private basic training , the standard 8 week course,in the White House basement with a Marine drill instructor and has qualified as a marksman with an M15 rifle.

This was kept top secret until he announced his new "Surge" strategy
and he now stated "i knew i had to put my balls on the line to sell this critical new war plan to the American People."

VP Cheney will be given the "black box" and is standing by in a secret location for immediate notification if i am killed or disabled.

"I know the Lord is with me and i am prepared to enter heaven and wait there for Laura and the kids if i have to pay the ultimate sacrifice for my country"
"oh -- and bring em on -- cause those killers ain't seen nothing more dangerous than a President from Texas with a liscence to kill"

Tony Snow -- White House press secretary in a surprise off camera reaction said "holy shit - he's fucking crazy"

Stay tuned for more on this extraodinary exclusive from the Digibandit.