The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Monday, March 05, 2007
Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton
"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial
Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Friday, March 02, 2007
CBS Announces "Nipple Thursday" To Save Katie
"Clearly -- our strategy of having Katie delivering the news without underwear has not worked!," said Moishe Pipick CBS news president,reeling from the latest nielsen news ratings which show Katie Couric dead last and slipping in key younger male demos.
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist
The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period -- he evn thought about changing his name to Lance Barak."
There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."
The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."
The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists
The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Oral Sex Boot Camp saved Our Marriage says Hillary
Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: " After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Vh1 Announces "Find The Honkey" Game Show
VH1 the network built on black streotypes announced it's latest prime time entry; "Ten black looking men will be analyzed by competing teams of all blacks and all whites who will ask questions to determine which of the ten black looking men is a "Honkey" in disguise." said Moishe Pipick head of programming for the VH1 network.
He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".
"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."
He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".
"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."
Friday, February 23, 2007
Trump To Buy Mexico Ending Illegal Immigration Problem
"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said the Donald at a Wall Street press conference with his hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs.
" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."
"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.
"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).
Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.
" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."
"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.
"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).
Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Strikes It Rich With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers) "
Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"
The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!
(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"
The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!
(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Dame Judy Dench Sells Pussy Hair
"If that bald slut -- Britney,whats her name?,can get an offer of one million dollars for her well worn beaver -- my grandly grey pussy fibers should obtain at least two million quid." --said the acclaimed British Shakesperean actor and Academy Award nominee in London today.
When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."
Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."
Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"
When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."
Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."
Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Vibrator Motor Killed Anna Nicole-Smith
Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.
LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."
LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."
LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."
LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."
Monday, February 19, 2007
Trump proposes Palestinian Pleasure Zone
The Donald has come out with a revolutionary solution to the "PalestinianProblem". he announced today that; " Let's face it the Moslems need a place to let off some steam and the Palestinians need some dinero real fast!"
"I propose turning the West Bank into the Las Vegas of the Middle East!" - " Jobs -- unlimited money -- an outlet for people who won't have to blow themselves apart to get into Paradise (no Virgins but real pros heh heh) -- and tons of cash for the Palestinian leaders to extort and steal and waste (the one thing they are great at)."
We can send a delegation of American Indian Tribal Chiefs (you know the tribal/ caveman thing that the Arabs love ) over there with a trillion bucks to get everything going and Voila! -- peace with the Jews --- prosperity -- and "Mellow Muslims" -- a first for fourteen hundred years."
"!Cash -- hookers -- gambling -- shows -- drugs and booze -- works every time!"
"Lucky seven -- pay the little lady in the see though Burkah!"
"I propose turning the West Bank into the Las Vegas of the Middle East!" - " Jobs -- unlimited money -- an outlet for people who won't have to blow themselves apart to get into Paradise (no Virgins but real pros heh heh) -- and tons of cash for the Palestinian leaders to extort and steal and waste (the one thing they are great at)."
We can send a delegation of American Indian Tribal Chiefs (you know the tribal/ caveman thing that the Arabs love ) over there with a trillion bucks to get everything going and Voila! -- peace with the Jews --- prosperity -- and "Mellow Muslims" -- a first for fourteen hundred years."
"!Cash -- hookers -- gambling -- shows -- drugs and booze -- works every time!"
"Lucky seven -- pay the little lady in the see though Burkah!"
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Preacher Calls Pope a Chickenshit
Pat Robertson said in church today ; " The Pope came out and took a principled shot at Islam's propensity to inspire violence among Muslim adherents -- he admonished their leaders for standing by while aimless slaughter engulfed the Arab Middle East.'
"The Extremist Muslims rioted like a bunch of murderous Monkey's ,which they are (sorry Monkeys) and the Church ran away like scared rabbits."
'The Pope just stands idly bye as the slaughter of innocents continues and moderate Muslim leaders (an Oxymoron) ,scared shitless of their respective "streets" do nothing,while the Fanatics scream for more blood" in the name of Allah."
"The Pope is a chickenshit and a disgrace to the principles of Christianity -- the Church stood bye while the Nazis perptrated a Holocaust -- it's just more of the same."
"The Extremist Muslims rioted like a bunch of murderous Monkey's ,which they are (sorry Monkeys) and the Church ran away like scared rabbits."
'The Pope just stands idly bye as the slaughter of innocents continues and moderate Muslim leaders (an Oxymoron) ,scared shitless of their respective "streets" do nothing,while the Fanatics scream for more blood" in the name of Allah."
"The Pope is a chickenshit and a disgrace to the principles of Christianity -- the Church stood bye while the Nazis perptrated a Holocaust -- it's just more of the same."
Friday, February 16, 2007
Kim Jong iL Wants Rice Bad
Condoleeza Rice that is! "If i have to pretend to make a deal with those American dogs to get into her pants i will do it. -- No Korean has an ass like that black beauty" -- the Mad Midget dictator of North Korea was overheard saying to one of his Generals at the multi -lateral talks yesterday.
Condy responded " thats just male bonding talk -- he's not a bad guy for a retarded dwarf and if he saw me naked he'd probably shit himself.
The main thing is our diplomatic goals."
President Bush jumped in with;" The closest he'll get to Rice is in a bowl with dog meat on it." (sorry Barney)
Condy responded " thats just male bonding talk -- he's not a bad guy for a retarded dwarf and if he saw me naked he'd probably shit himself.
The main thing is our diplomatic goals."
President Bush jumped in with;" The closest he'll get to Rice is in a bowl with dog meat on it." (sorry Barney)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Eskimos Getting Snowed By Donald Trump
The Donald is moving quickly to take advantage of the real estate opportunities presented by Global Warming.His office announced today;"That frozen waste land filled with Polar Bears and blubber eating Eskimos is gonna be ice free and the perfect spot for "Trump North" -- Bugsy Siegel created Las Vegas out of the desert and i'm gonna do the same thing with the North Pole"
Asked about upsetting the indiginous Inuit culture he responded: "they can learn how to deal blackjack and clean hotel rooms -- it's too bad their women are to short and squat to be showgirls."
Rosy O'Donnel said: "Trump will probably slaughter the Penguins and serve them in his restaurant as northern duckling."
Asked about upsetting the indiginous Inuit culture he responded: "they can learn how to deal blackjack and clean hotel rooms -- it's too bad their women are to short and squat to be showgirls."
Rosy O'Donnel said: "Trump will probably slaughter the Penguins and serve them in his restaurant as northern duckling."
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Valentine Massacre 2007
President Bush was overheard saying to VP Cheney ; " i'd like to have a Special Attack Team enter The House of Representatives while those traiterous bastards are votin against my war -- and give them a taste of that Massacre in 1929 -- those boys knew how to deal with rats!"
"Yep -- i'd like to be blasting away right next to them with my shotgun -- i'd give Nancy Pelosi both barrels in those big jugs of hers!." said Cheney.
Bush replied; " Heh! Heh! Dick -- the way you shoot you'd probably shoot a couple of White House aids -- or a Republican Congressman by mistake."
"Now George", replied Cheney ' You don't think that shooting was a mistake - do ya? -- Nobody hogs the field when i'm out hunting!"
The President "heh heh heh"
"Yep -- i'd like to be blasting away right next to them with my shotgun -- i'd give Nancy Pelosi both barrels in those big jugs of hers!." said Cheney.
Bush replied; " Heh! Heh! Dick -- the way you shoot you'd probably shoot a couple of White House aids -- or a Republican Congressman by mistake."
"Now George", replied Cheney ' You don't think that shooting was a mistake - do ya? -- Nobody hogs the field when i'm out hunting!"
The President "heh heh heh"
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Katie Couric Will Do News Without Underwear
In a daring move to improve her ratings among male viewers it was announced today by Les Moonsies,Prsident of Paramount/CBS that: "Efective Valentines Day,Katie Couric will not be wearing any bra or panties during her news coverage. Wether she will be wearing underwear in her field reporting is still being negotiated."
He further stated; "This will not effect the quality of her coverage (forgive the pun) but will hopefully more fully engage the imagination of men in and with her reporting."
Ms. Couric was not available for comment but sources close to her said her biggest concern was that she might "blow a wet one" in the heat of breakng news coverage.
Her old sidekickk Matt Lauer said; "I certainly hope Candy Crowley doesn't pick up on this."
He further stated; "This will not effect the quality of her coverage (forgive the pun) but will hopefully more fully engage the imagination of men in and with her reporting."
Ms. Couric was not available for comment but sources close to her said her biggest concern was that she might "blow a wet one" in the heat of breakng news coverage.
Her old sidekickk Matt Lauer said; "I certainly hope Candy Crowley doesn't pick up on this."
Monday, February 12, 2007
Rush Limbaugh Up To Old Tricks With Sheep
When the Bandit expose (see posting "Limbaugh in Cotton") forced Limbaugh to refrain from shtupping and thus terrorizing one of his prize Sheep -- Cotton; He was ordered to keep at least 200 feet away from her stall until a final hearing.
Late last night the foreman Mel Manure who blew the whistle on Limbaugh the first time, heard cries coming from Cotton's stall ; "When i got there Russ was screaming -- you slut ! you know i need you! and he was trying to force her hind legs apart" -- said Mel . He went on "there was an empty Oxycotin bottle lying on the floor".
Limbaugh was placed in custody by the local ASPCA and will appear before a local Judge Next week -- stay tuned! ( a 24 hour watch has been placed on the confused and abused Sheep -- Cottton)
Late last night the foreman Mel Manure who blew the whistle on Limbaugh the first time, heard cries coming from Cotton's stall ; "When i got there Russ was screaming -- you slut ! you know i need you! and he was trying to force her hind legs apart" -- said Mel . He went on "there was an empty Oxycotin bottle lying on the floor".
Limbaugh was placed in custody by the local ASPCA and will appear before a local Judge Next week -- stay tuned! ( a 24 hour watch has been placed on the confused and abused Sheep -- Cottton)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
