Fox entertainment president Moishe Pipick announced it's revolutionary new reality show "I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney", starring George Clooney. He said: "women are lining up by the thousands to be selected as finalists - where ten married women will spend a week in his mansion on the Hawaiian island of Molokai where they have agreed to have sex with him -- including but not limited to oral and anal sex -- and will compete for his attention in the hope that he will choose them as his "hawaiian sex slave". -- Winners will receive one million dollars and a week with George alone in his mansion. --All the women will go through an on air judging process similar to American Idol except they will perform a strip tease and undergo cross examination by the celebrity judges with their current husbands , family and children (all contestants must have at least three children and be married for a minimum of ten years.)
All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Britney Pregnant With Dr.Phil's Baby
Confidential sources at the Hazeldon Recovery Center in Minnesota confirmed that Britney Spears is pregnant with a baby girl and that the father is the reknowned television therapist Dr. Phil.
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
Monday, March 12, 2007
Focus On Candidates Moves To Oral Sex Behavior -- Initial Evaluation below:
The religious right has shifted it's concern from celibacy as it weighs in on the presidential primary race ; "thet have all been married two or three times and are basically a bunch of whore mongers so we have to shift the focus to some more relevent criteria." said Paul Dotson .head of The American Family Council -- a conservative group whose real name should be " TheRepressed and Constipated Hall of Fame."
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
Saturday, March 10, 2007
kike Mayor To Ban "Nigger" But Allow MotherFucker Says Spic Manhattan Asseblyman
Manhattan Assemblyman Jose Tostada said at a City Hall news briefing yesterday; "Mayor Bloomberg should concentrate more on the root causes of intolerance and ethnic and racial bigotry instead of employing the "Epithet Police" to watch over us in his recent moves to criminilize the utterance of the horrible word"Nigger" in New York City -- we already have laws that deal with situations like, "Hey nigger i'm gonna fuck you up!" --the operable phrase there is "fuck you up!" --and you will do time for that"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
Friday, March 09, 2007
Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"
Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Cheney's Dick Latest Victim In Coulter Wars
Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly told his homosexual daughter; "I wouldn't fuck her with your cock!" -- referring to the rumors that he is the latest victim to fall prey to what is now being referred to by the medical community as: "Coulter's Cunt Virus" --or CCV.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Bill O'Reilly Get's Clap From Anne Coulter
The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Monday, March 05, 2007
Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton
"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial
Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Friday, March 02, 2007
CBS Announces "Nipple Thursday" To Save Katie
"Clearly -- our strategy of having Katie delivering the news without underwear has not worked!," said Moishe Pipick CBS news president,reeling from the latest nielsen news ratings which show Katie Couric dead last and slipping in key younger male demos.
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Barak Obama Is White Says Geneticist
The bandit has learned from a medical source close to the Obama family that Barak became very enamored with Michael Jackson as a teenager and began to use a similar whitening pigmentation product similar to Jackson's over a prolonged period -- he evn thought about changing his name to Lance Barak."
There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."
The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
There has been no commeny from the Obama camp but Hillary Clinton said in response to this amazing story: " If he is white -- it would explain his fixation with my Husband's sexual proclivities instead of the critical issue at stake in the primary election."
The Reverend Al Sharpton said: "Barak trying to pass as a honky just shows how much racial dysfunction there is in America -- next we'll find out that Colin Powell and Condoleeza Rice are closet honkys --but i'm pretty sure about Clarence Thomas and Alan Iverson" -- "And the Rednecks will all be sittin around today in eugenics heaven", he went on;" I can hear them now down at the Shitbird Cafe in Alabama having coffee after just slappin their wives around and violating their chldren ; "Yep bubba i knew them uppity negroes was part white -- well ole Strom woulda taken care of them all if it weren't for those kikes up in New York."
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Israeli's Develop Shit Seeking Missile to Target Stinking Muslim Extremists
The Pentagon announced today that ; " The Israeli's have made a breakthrough in weapon's technology that will enable us to target,with shitpoint accuracy, the assholes (literally) that are our worst enemies in the war on terror. "
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"
General Moishe Pipick of the Israeli Defense Agency said in Tel Aviv today;"These people stink to begin with -- very limited water -- it's hot and they wear those huge robes and fucking stupid hats and no toilets or toilet paper and they eat crappy food -- oy my gutt vey is mere" .
"Well anyway", he continued, 'Now we have the leaders on the run and they really stink -- and the smell is mixed with explosives and munitions residue and some camel shit and some of their stinky wives stuff -- and we have been able to scientifically isolate these "fundamental shit molecules" -- and have created a guidance system that will deliver a payload (oye a pun) right into Osama's bung hole or any other asshole targets of major importance -- if i were Al ZaWeirdy or Moktr Al whatever his fucking stupid name is i would get a teflon ashhole transplant -- because their constipation problems are over -- oh, and Admadinejahd better wipe his ass really well or the only nuclear explosion he will experience is his colon sailing over France."
Israeli Prime Minister Olmert said; "General Pipick got a little carried away (oops) but it's just that we are so very proud of this achievement and for supplying these weapons to our great allies and friends in America -- we have even named the missile "God's Tuchas Hammer", which we thought would please our religious fundamentalist friends in your great country ."
President Bush announced with glee: "The Jews can solve anything for a buck." -- "That,s Democracy!"
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Oral Sex Boot Camp saved Our Marriage says Hillary
Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: " After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship."
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"
"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"
"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Vh1 Announces "Find The Honkey" Game Show
VH1 the network built on black streotypes announced it's latest prime time entry; "Ten black looking men will be analyzed by competing teams of all blacks and all whites who will ask questions to determine which of the ten black looking men is a "Honkey" in disguise." said Moishe Pipick head of programming for the VH1 network.
He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".
"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."
He went on;"if this show is a hit we will extend the 'Find The...." franchise to "Find The Yid" and then "Find The Polack" and 'Find The Fag" --- and then the sky's the limit".
"Some of our program executives wanted to start out with "Find Your Father" but i felt a game show where black men try to guess who is their real father might not be apprpriate for a classy Network like VH1 -- might be too sensitive an issue?" , said Sumner Redstone,Viacom CEO -- "Sometimes iv'e just gotta step in and say "whoa -- it's not all about making money around here."
Friday, February 23, 2007
Trump To Buy Mexico Ending Illegal Immigration Problem
"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said the Donald at a Wall Street press conference with his hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs.
" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."
"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.
"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).
Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.
" We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousans American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Trump.
Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexican's are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords."
"Donald Trump will take over as CEO of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico",said Pipickwitz.
"All drugs will be legalized as well as abortion and gay marriage -- this will eliminate the drug and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams (it might,however create huge immigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on especially with the establishment of universal health care for all citizens).
Trump also said they where working on a plan to Buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- nuking the rest and then selling the oil to Saudi Arabia.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Strikes It Rich With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers) "
Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"
The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!
(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"
The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.
CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimes, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"
And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned!
(copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Dame Judy Dench Sells Pussy Hair
"If that bald slut -- Britney,whats her name?,can get an offer of one million dollars for her well worn beaver -- my grandly grey pussy fibers should obtain at least two million quid." --said the acclaimed British Shakesperean actor and Academy Award nominee in London today.
When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."
Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."
Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"
When told that Ms. Spears had cut her head hair not her pubic hair she said: "Oh my -- i just assumed -- oh well that certainly increases the value of my offer --and all proceeds shall go to needy working girls."
Prime Minister Tony Blair said; "The Dames' pussy should be on display with the Crown Jewels -- it is indeed a national Treasure."
Sir Paul McCartney on hearing the news said: "If this keeps up i might just have to throw my cock in the ring!"
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Vibrator Motor Killed Anna Nicole-Smith
Secret autopsy reports obtained by the Bandit indicate that part of a motor from "a huge vibrator" was found in Anna's colon.
LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."
LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."
LA Examiner Dr. Moishe Pipick said; " It probably broke loose during orgasm and with the shock and impact probably caused a brain aneurism."
LA detective Meyer Lansky said ;"This would seem to explain the loud 'Oh my God' and dimming of lights in the surrounding area where Anna
had her last orgasm."
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