Steven Spielberg head of DreamWorks and his partner,in charge of animation,Jeffrey (Jewboy) Katzenberg,announced yesterday; “We are in production on the first gay themed animated film !" 'Studsy The Queer Bull', “It's about ‘Studsy’ -- a prize Angus Bull who prefers young bull’s and steers over cows. We were thinking of calling the film, ‘The Queer Steer’ -- but technically he’s a bull (obviously not castrated) and hung like a Moose. As a matter of fact ‘Studsy’ would fuck a Moose as long as it’s a male Moose, and he even tried ,several times during filming, to get at me.” Chimed in Katzenberg the ex head of Disney Animation who is a flaming fag.
He continued; “Our research shows that twenty to thirty percent of Americans under the age of seven years old have strong homosexual tendencies,and child psychologists are certain that they are torn apart emotionally between openly adopting a gay lifestyle or “closeting” their emotions in an oppressive hetro dominated environment. –‘Studsy’ will instill pride and identity resolution in young closeted gay children and help them ‘break out” -- just as ‘Studsy’ does in a very compelling scene where he is supposed to impregnate a group of prize cows,but ‘breaks out’ ( a metaphor for his closet) of the paddock and charges into the meadow --- where he proceeds to shtupp about twelve young bulls and eight steers in a violent release of pent up frustration .”
Spielberg added, “ Now youv’e got to picture this twenty six hundred pound Angus bull fucking every asshole in sight --the energy and passion and drama ! -- Think the fifteenth round in Rocky one. -- At this point in the test screenings young boys were jumping up and down on the seats screaming, ‘fuck em -- fuck em all Studsy” and they were crying and hugging one another and some even started masturbating.”
They concluded; “We are so thrilled and satisfied that in today’s exploitive creative environment --especially as far as our children are concerned -- that we at Dream Works are able to produce positive and socially redemptive quality programming that will constructively help our children -- our most precious resource -- to shape and sructure their lives; as we walk hand in hand with America’s parents to achieve that goal through creative art. And - so, coming soon to a theatre near you, ‘Studsy The Queer Bull’. Bring your tiny future fags to see America’s first Queer Superhero .
Saturday, March 24, 2007
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
ABC Announces "Dancing With Disabilities"
With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced: " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!
And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles." he said.
Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance Numbers she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."
"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."
"Any others", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!
And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- our dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"
Rudy Giuliani Would Swap High School Dropouts For African Oil
Leading Republican Presidential candidate,Rudy Giuliani announced today; "The High School drop out rate in New York City is almost twenty five percent and another twenty percent don't have adequate reading and math skills. The problem is severe across the whole country but i would begin a pilot project in my home city to tackle the problem and go on from there."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "
He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"
President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
"Here's the situation", he went on; "These predominately black male drop -outs don't stand a chance in this day and age! Millions of these complete losers represent a growing American underclass that will explode in the next five years -- so let's get rid of them in a productive and sensible manner! "
He continued,"Africa has a tremendous need for soldiers in it's multitude of wars around it's 'Dark Continent', and they are running out of the young men and women who comprise a large segment of their fighters. I have had meetings with many of their dysfunctional leaders,and they are eager to get their hands on the tremendous under-utilized American resource of ignorant, angry and strong -- black teenager's. And -- they will pay for them with oil."
"It's perfect!" Giuliani went on. "We get rid of these dangerous morons and get less dependent on Arab oil at the same time -- how's that for problem solving?" He was asked by bandit political reporter Myrna Cuntlip,"But what about the Hispanic drop-outs?" -- Rudy quickly replied, "Aha, Cuntlip --I'm working on that one too -- i spoke with Hugo Chavez yesterday, and he is open to taking our latino morons -- using them for public works projects on behalf of his Nation's poor -- and paying with heating oil --perfecto!"
The Reverend Al Sharpton reacted,"That Nazi Motherfucker may have got rid of New York's squeegy men and the homeless people -- but he'll never get rid of our worthless young black men and women while i'm alive!"
President Bush,when asked about Giuliani's plan to send American black high school drop-outs to Africa said,"It seems like a fair exchange -- we get the oil and they get the second half of a round trip ticket that we owe these folks anyways." He added, 'I also like the part about the Hispanics goin to Chavez -- it's kinda like when ole Fidel sent us all his morons -- and we can bring in more of them hard working Mexicans to replace em."
Monday, March 19, 2007
Battle Dwarfs To Move Into Baghdad "Splurge"
The new Defense Secretary William Gates ,has proposed a revolutionary new battle tactic to the Joint Chiefs Of Staff -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents:Under his plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.
He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).
Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)
"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."
He stated "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets"The new Defense Secretary,William Gates, "has accepted a revolutionary new battle tactic proposed by General Petreas -- in fighting Iraqui insurgents and sectarian militias in the current "Splurge" (so called by the Democrats who want out immediately).
Under this plan a full battle Brigade of "Dwarfs" would be used to patrol and control Baghdad, and they would be accompanied by specially trained Pigs.The General stated ; "Dwarfs are much harder to target and can move more easily through the narrow alleyways of the Baghdad ghettos. -- and the "Battle Pigs" will be very effective (they are much smarter than German Shepherds with a much keener sense of smell) -- and any Moslem insurgent bitten by a Pig cannot enter Paradise. (also the Dwarfs will be armed with special Pig Bullets.)
"Employment of the Dwarfs will begin as soon as their custom made flak vests are issued," General Pace said today, and in commending the morality of Dwarfs he said; "They are small -- with small dicks -- but they don't try and fuck their fellow Marine midgets in the ass."
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Israel To Put Birth Control Agent In Arab Water
Dr.Moishe Pipick. -- Minister of The Israeli Experimental Defense Agency -- responded to a leaked and classified initiative by his agency to stop the out of control birth rate in the Arab world:
"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?
He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."
"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"
Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:
And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"
He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.
"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )
However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.
The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.
Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"
"I will say this -- does the world need more suicide bombers? -- does the world need more illiterate and abused and brainwashed children? - Does the world need more children who will become dysfunctional; -- and become totally ignorant and angry and hopeless death worshiping adults? --Does the world need more people who will destroy civilization?
He continued; "They are breeding like rats - at a time when the civilized societies of the world are placing a higher priority on having fewer children -- but children with the potential to lead more enlightened and vital lives and to achieve some measure of clarity calm and comfort, self fulfillment and happiness."
"So -- yes - said Dr. Pipick - it is true!" He said; "We are putting a contraception chemical in the water supplies of some Arab countries -- and so now - when - they force their dirty Arab Muslim extremist schlongers into their screaming women -- and when they knock these pitifull enslaved wives to the ground -- rip off their Burkah's - and shtup their brains out -- they will be shooting blanks!"
Asked about world reaction to this arbitrary and questionable activity Dr. Pipick responded; "Look,these people are animals -- they have no respect for sensitive and caring parenting. They knock out children like bugs with no regard for their health, welfare or education --enormous growing populations of neglected children, and none of their leaders cry out against the sickening conditions:
And the Mullahs fill the youngsters with venom and hatred --they can't even read or write -- they memorize verses in the Koran they don't understand -- and by ten years old they are ready to don suicide belts -- zombies manufactured by evil priests who worship death -- it's right out of a horror movie -- except it's real!"
He went on;"And now that the cat is out of the bag you should know that while we are trying to control the human assembly line production of future Arab fanatics -- we are artificially enhancing the birth potential of our own people --and in an ironic twist -- the people's of northern Europe including Germany - through their lakes,rivers and reservoirs.
"We felt the world did not need any more French than is absolutely necessary and the UK is just fine the way it is.(we are also considering putting birth control agents in all the USA red states )
However -- i'm sure the world would agree with our plan to stop the explosive breeding in most African countries (if you want to stretch your imagination and call them countries) -- the problem is that their testosterone levels are so high it's very difficult --and their water is so polluted it weakens the birth control agent.
The world will be angry with Israel won't it retaliate?" --said the bandit Israeli bureau chief --Elise Mandelbaum.
Dr.Pipick replied; " Sure --but the world is always pissed off at the Jews anyway.- I ask the world -- do you want a bright future for your children -- or do you want Apocalypse Now and a remake of the Road Warrior -- for real?"
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Kirstie Alley Gives Birth To Twenty Pound Black Baby Boy
The wide hipped -- georgous earthmother/actor -- best known for her battles with the bulge -- gave birth to a twenty pound black baby in Lenox Hill hospital in New York City last night. ( so now we know what those extra wide skirts were concealing).
Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."
The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"
Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."
He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"
Kirstie's Obstetrician,Dr. Charles Bukowsky, said: "It's the biggest baby ever delivered that we know of -- it's beyond belief!" -- He sat down and wiped his forehead and continued; "Kirstie has hips and a pelvic structure wide enough to push out a Volkswagen -- when the head started to crown i almost fainted -- for a moment i thought she was giving birth to a bowling ball."
The Dr. took a deep breath and went on:"And suddenly the whole body came out and it grabbed onto the wrist of an attending Nurse and started to pull her hand into his mouth -- and we had to sedate the giant new born." And how was Kirstie taking all of this? --asked the bandit medical reporter."Calm as could be -- she just kept smiling that big shit eating grin of hers and when she saw the little giant she exclaimed, "It's Shaq!" -- whatever that means?"
Asked how the new momma was making out, the Doctor said; "Oh just fine -- she is working on her third quart of Jerry's PostPartum Peanut Chocolate Fudge and is of course eager to see her newborn freak --oops , i mean baby,who is currently in isolation after attacking three newborn infants in the neo-natel nursery."
He concluded; "We have stationed armed guards around the whole Pediatric wing of the Hospital as a precautionary move -- in case whoever or whatever the father is should try to reach the mother or child -- because, there is every reason to assume it is not human!"
Friday, March 16, 2007
St. Patrick - Patron Saint Of Drinking and Puking
"The great Irish tradition of acting like drunken morons will once again be played out on St. Patrick's Day!", said Archbishop McRummy today at St. Patricks Cathedral in New York City.
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!
"In the year of the Lord seven hundred and fifty -- Pope Rectum 1x sent a Parish Priest named Patrick,who was a hopeless alcoholic and great comedian, over to a wild Celtic island with a boatload of whiskey and beer and the Pope said to him,'Now these Celts are wild,Patrick, and they worship strange Gods -- they have never tasted whiskey or beer -- so travel among them -- tell a few jokes -- pass around the booze -- and when they are so fucked up that they can't see straight -- convert them to Catholicism!"
The Archbishop continued; "Well Patrick was a big hit with the Celts -- he went from village to village and when he moved on there were hundreds of new Christian souls puking all over the place and pounding the shit out of each other -- and then the men would go home and abuse their wives and children."
The Archbishop concluded his holiday sermon with; " We must not forget the proud traditions and history of the Irish people and the great sacrifice of Saint Patrick, who died of syphilis and cirhossis of the liver shortly after returning to the Vatican from "Ireland" -- named for the Celtic word "Ire" which means "to Puke." And when your out there tomorrow -- acting like drunken morons -- thank God your a Christian! And pray thanks to St. Patrick that you are part of a great drunken religion -- unlike the Jews and Moslems and Buddhists and Hindus and Shintos and even Atheists!
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Pope Caught Masturbating In A Vatican Confessional Chamber
In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outside the pussy he explained) --are sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?
The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."
Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!" -- they opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Pope Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.
The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Sol" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Jew." -- He continued, "And we'll see how well two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan." --that comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community?
The digibandit Vatican reporter was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?" We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Satire."
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Fox annnounces"I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney"
Fox entertainment president Moishe Pipick announced it's revolutionary new reality show "I Will Leave My Husband For George Clooney", starring George Clooney. He said: "women are lining up by the thousands to be selected as finalists - where ten married women will spend a week in his mansion on the Hawaiian island of Molokai where they have agreed to have sex with him -- including but not limited to oral and anal sex -- and will compete for his attention in the hope that he will choose them as his "hawaiian sex slave". -- Winners will receive one million dollars and a week with George alone in his mansion. --All the women will go through an on air judging process similar to American Idol except they will perform a strip tease and undergo cross examination by the celebrity judges with their current husbands , family and children (all contestants must have at least three children and be married for a minimum of ten years.)
All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.
All the women will agree to have abortions should they become pregnant as George does not enjoy protected sex -- in addition all contestants will be caucasian as he does not like black kinky hair.
Britney Pregnant With Dr.Phil's Baby
Confidential sources at the Hazeldon Recovery Center in Minnesota confirmed that Britney Spears is pregnant with a baby girl and that the father is the reknowned television therapist Dr. Phil.
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
"Dr. Phil was visiting Britney in an attempt to redirect her life and after sharing some of her meds -- he did some serious redirecting all right!" -- said Dr. Moishe Pipick,head of extreme case rehabilitation at the esteemed Hazeldon facility. He went on;"A nurse in Britney's ward became alarmed when screams of ,"save me! save me! oh save me deeper!" where heard coming from Britney's room -- and upon entering,said Nurse Ratchitt, "we found Britney tied to the bed with dental floss and the Dr. and Britney where clearly both wacked out of their minds and going at it like crazy."
Mrs. Phil --Dr. Phil's wife of thirty five years said; " i'm destroyed - he hasn't touched me in thirty four years -- i put on some weight after the birth of our son (180 pounds -- see picture) but he always said; "it's fine dear, there's just more to love" -- you know how he gives such wonderful advice and guidance on the television.
Dr. Phil and the Beaming Britney could not be reached for comment, but Oprah Winfrey who is in Africa negotiating to buy Tanzania said: "This is so shocking! --what's next? -- Deepak Chopra with Paris Hilton?"
Monday, March 12, 2007
Focus On Candidates Moves To Oral Sex Behavior -- Initial Evaluation below:
The religious right has shifted it's concern from celibacy as it weighs in on the presidential primary race ; "thet have all been married two or three times and are basically a bunch of whore mongers so we have to shift the focus to some more relevent criteria." said Paul Dotson .head of The American Family Council -- a conservative group whose real name should be " TheRepressed and Constipated Hall of Fame."
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
"The next best way to evaluate a person's core qualification for the presidency -- after marriage fidelity - is their attitude towards Oral Sex! -- it goes to the very essence of a persons character and soul." he said.
Here,then, is their initial evaluation:
Barak Obama -- "Black men don't eat pussy -- it's disgusting and stinky"
John McCaine -- "Can't do it -- the torture injuries i received to my neck in Nam prevent me from muff diving -my wife has stood on a ladder but i still couldn't handle it."
Hillary Clinton -- "Well i personally can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch and Bill can suck a pussy dry -- but he doesn't inhale."
Rudy Giuliani -- "I love it but the pussy has to be totally clean shaven -- i do it myself so it's absolutely bald -- any stubble rubs my chin and i'm off the dive.
Mitt Romney -- Being a Mormon i eat about nineteen pussy's a week -- gotta keep em all happy -- but i have to gobble very efficiently or my jaw locks up after about twelve.
Chuck Hegel -- "I'd rather eat pussy than strangle Bush or Cheney -- that's how much i love it "
John Edwards -- "It's extremely nutritional and about the only thing that the average American can afford to do that's so pleasureable -- it's very cost effective --i would try to convince more blacks to suck pussy."
Newt Gingrich said;" Well finally wer'e starting to address the issues that affect the average American -- and just for the record - in case i enter the race -- i started eating pussy in grammar school -- and furthermore as President i would establish a "World Wide Pussy Eating Forum".-- "And -- if Muslims started eating pussy they could stop eating their children"
Saturday, March 10, 2007
kike Mayor To Ban "Nigger" But Allow MotherFucker Says Spic Manhattan Asseblyman
Manhattan Assemblyman Jose Tostada said at a City Hall news briefing yesterday; "Mayor Bloomberg should concentrate more on the root causes of intolerance and ethnic and racial bigotry instead of employing the "Epithet Police" to watch over us in his recent moves to criminilize the utterance of the horrible word"Nigger" in New York City -- we already have laws that deal with situations like, "Hey nigger i'm gonna fuck you up!" --the operable phrase there is "fuck you up!" --and you will do time for that"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
"What's Next" says the digibandit: -- "Let's say the N word gets you three months in Rikers Island -- so what's the penality for -- Cocksucker and Motherfucker or Cocksucking Motherfucker? -- sixy days? -- or what about -- Spik -- Chink -- Wop -- Kike -- Mick -- Dothead -- Polack or Slope or Homo or Spook? -- maybe thirty days? - Or,what about Cunt -- Wasp -- Goyim --Shiksa -- Yid (Jews have a lot) -- Honky -- Prick or Dickhead? --maybe ten days? -- Or, what about : -- Jerk-off -- Shitface -- Scumbag -- White Trash -- Fat Fuck -- Fucker or Shit For Brains ? -- maybe points on your driver's liscence? -- Or, how about just -- Asshole --- Dirtbag -- Schmuck -- Putz (those Hebe's again) -- Moron or Cheap fuck? -- maybe a good mouthwashing with brown soap from Bloomberg's slur and epithet police?
"Whoa digibandit" -- says some nigger from Brooklyn -- "Cunt and Wop and Kike and Homo and Scumbag and White Trash and Bitch and all those Motherfucking words ain't fucking shit next to Nigger -- motherfucker!"
"Oh Yeah! -- says I -- how the fuck do you know how deep feelings run with individuals about any of this ugly and ignorant shit - I hear Nigger and Motherfucker a hundred times a day in the street coming from Blacks-- i hardly ever hear Wop in Little Italy -- the Italians are real sensitive about that shit, and if called a Ginny or a Wop, by some dysfunctional red neck , an old Italian lady on Mullberry street might be more shocked than some black man who experiences the horrible and totally reprehensible racial slur "Nigger" -- And, the chances are when she got off the boat at Ellis Island fleeing the Fascists with her worldly posessions in her sock and trailing three hungry bambinos - her introduction to the English language probably inclided "dirty wop -dago --greaseball" (a warm American welcoming experience shared by every racial group who came forth to the land of Liberty as a minority group -- just change the racial and ethnic slurs ). -- Bulletin -- culturally induced dysfunction is not totally unique to the black experience -- just ask a woman with a lifetime of male abuse in her luggage how much she likes hearing 'Cunt!" Or ask a gently raised young person of any stripe what they experience when "Motherfucker" (maybe the worst crime against nature in a word of all time) slams into their cerebral cortex like a lightening bolt -- doesn't seem to bother all those black teenagers who use "motherfucker" as a greeting -- so i think you may want to consider the concept of relative sensitivity in your analysis."
"And the Government should keep the fuck out of it for sure or it won't be long before you won't find any Charles Bukowsky or Philip Roth in your local -- Bloomberg monitored -- Library"
"Sticks and stones can break your bones but names will never harm you -- You fucking ignorant cocksucking motherfucking punk nigger"
Friday, March 09, 2007
Fox Announced"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?"
Mike Darnell head of Fox TV programming has announced a follow up show to it's hugely successful "Are You Smarter Than A Five Year Old?"
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
"Are Black Teens Smarter Than Chink Babies?" follows on the heels of a new report from The National Education Institute which revealed that the math and reading skills of black American teenagers is at the Chinese pre- school level." That number is twenty percent for all teenagers and twenty five percent for Hispanics.
Doctor Moishe Pipick of the NEI said : "Chinese babies are significantly smarter than American teenagers and gaining rapidly on American adults --especially minorities." He went on,"American's are fast losing their ability to reason.Only ten percent read books or thoughtful periodicals or even engage in meaningful dialogue -- there lives are like a shitty sitcom."
He continued; "Our study shows conclusively that within ten years --black teenagers will be less intelligent than the grey parrot and that the average American's problem solving ability will be at the level of a three year old Chinese -- or five year old Indian child.
Thursday, March 08, 2007
Cheney's Dick Latest Victim In Coulter Wars
Vice President Dick Cheney reportedly told his homosexual daughter; "I wouldn't fuck her with your cock!" -- referring to the rumors that he is the latest victim to fall prey to what is now being referred to by the medical community as: "Coulter's Cunt Virus" --or CCV.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Anne Coulter remains in quarantine at Walter Reade Medical Center (an oxymoron) and cannot be reached for comment, but a source close to the Cheney's said; "Dick had come out of the shower at his Wyoming ranch and Lynne Cheney walked into the bedroom and noticed that his Dick was bright red and his balls looked like grapefruits and she called their Doctor before the Vice President could stop her."
A ranch worker told the bandit reporter "i think he may have picked up his problema from Senor Donny (ex. Defense Secretary Donald Runmsfeld -- a close friend of Coulter and well known whoremaster.) --The Mexican ranch hand went on to say; "Dick and Senor Donny they where veery close amigos -- sometimes i should to here them in the barn and Dick was saying "Oh! Oh! Donny that feels so good -- use your fingers -- harder harder" -and i'm thinking, maybe this is some kind of game the powerful Gringos play with one another?"
Rumsfeld has not been seen or heard from in two weeks -- more on his whereabouts and medical status -- later.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported in a bandit exclusive yesterday).
Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."
Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."
Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold" --- David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"
Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."
Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"
Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep that The Bandit had exclusively reported in a prior post -- that he was caught shtupping on his farm in Maryland.)
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Bill O'Reilly Get's Clap From Anne Coulter
The right wing witch who recently called presidential candidate and ex Senator John Edwards a "faggot"has given Bill O'Reilly a severe case of Gonorrea said a close friemd and internist who has attended O'Reilly through the many attacks of venereal disease he has contracted all around the world.
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Bill would "fuck a snake! " said Dr. Moishe Pipick --"he has screwed the old and the retarded --young animals and once,while on a story in Africa he even fucked a dictator in the butt while he was sleeping and his balls swelled up like grapefruits from the tsetse flys" -- he went on, "But never -- i repeat never, has he ever fucked anything as dirty as this Anne Coulter -- the entire right wing of the conservative party will need penicillin shots."
O'Reilly said -- "we where drunk and she kept telling me all the shit she wanted to do to me and i passed out and when i came around i realized what i had done --- Rush Limbaugh had told me he had fucked her and he almost had to have his entire scrotum cut out."
Monday, March 05, 2007
Jesus Ignores God's Call --Spends Weekend With Paris Hilton
"After a sex starved Jesus arrived on Earth to take Anna Nicole Smith up to heaven -- and instead spent five days in Rome banging the shit out of her; he seems to have acquired a heavenly lust for sex and has refused God's demands to return immediatey to heaven and resume his duties as Savior,"said Pope Bendadick at the Vatican this morning.
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
God told the Pope that Christ was seen in the bar at a private South Beach retreat in Miami looking like Antonio Banderas and with his hand up Paris Hilton's dress -- the Pope went on;"God is very concerned that this is a modern day replay of the Garden of Eden and the role of the Apple is being played by American pussy Queens."
God said ; "If he doesn't come home soon we are in real trouble - i might have to end Christianity and turn over religion exclusively to the Jews: You don't see Abraham or Moses dropping down to earth for a fling with some piece of ass Jewish celebrity and Allah and Mohammad just talk all day on the phone with suicide bombers."
God went on;"I'll give him a little more breathing room -- maybe i should have let him fuck some of my private stock of working Angels,but he was so messed up from the crusifiction ( fiction a pun) that i thought he couldn't get it up?"
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Anna Nicole Smith Seen With Jesus After Burial
Shortly after her body was interned in an elaborate funeral service Anna Nicole Smith was seen by a group of tourists in Rome walking into a bar with Jesus Christ,as reported to Reuters International by many eyewinesses: "Jesus had his hand on her ass and she was kissing his neck as they stepped into the bar",said Giovanni Moroni an intern at the Vatican, "I looked insida the bar anda Jesus was standing there with her and he had a huge hard on and i ran outa right away and started to pray -- oh Godda --pleasa help Jesus because heesa gonna make a bigga mistaka with that American whore."
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Grace Drysnatch ,a novitiate from Germany said; "I could hardly believe my eyes --Jesus was wearing a huge rapper size gold Mezuzah with diamonds on it and was wearing an Armani suit with Gucci loafers an Adolpho silk shirt and Lois Vuitton sun glasses and i heard him say to Anna " try some of this and then i want to baptize you with my magic wand -- and he had a little vial of white powder and he gave it to her -- and then they disappeared,"
Olaf Krotchluff , a pilgrim from Sweden said 'Vat do you axpect? -- there is no pussy in heaven for the Jesus for to get - hafter all he is the son of God who made pussy --Got shud let him haff a little and not keep it all to imself-- and maybe he vouldn't have to kum (a pun) all zee vay to earth to fuck an American shlut."
Well --this is one Bandit exclusive that ain't gonna go away any time soon --so stay tuned!
Friday, March 02, 2007
CBS Announces "Nipple Thursday" To Save Katie
"Clearly -- our strategy of having Katie delivering the news without underwear has not worked!," said Moishe Pipick CBS news president,reeling from the latest nielsen news ratings which show Katie Couric dead last and slipping in key younger male demos.
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
He further announced; "Beginning with the spring rating sweeps Katie Couric has agreed to deliver the news on thursday nights with one of her nipples exposed." He went on; "If that doesn't work we'll go to two nipples and as Katie said to me yesterday at lunch, "If those kids don't want to watch me for my journalistic ability, then -- fuck em -- maybe it's time to take that centerfold offer from Playboy --- maybe a beaver shot will entice them to watch the CBS nightly news."
Candy Crowley of CNN and Gwen Eiful of PBS where up in arms about the announcement but Wolf Blitzer was overheard remarking ; "If Candy took her tits out the audience would gag --i'm still trying to forget that shot of Kathy Bates' sagging balloons in "What About Schmidt" -- Jack Nicholson told me he hasn't been able to get it up since that scene in the hot tub with her" --and Bill Baker president of PBS said he would rather see his grandmothers ass than Gwen Eifull's black tits -- and besides --wer'e PBS" but maybe for the next fund raiser?"
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