Katie Couric To Get Head Of Walter Cronkite

Well -- showing a nipple didn't work! -- Turning her into the first "news dummy" by giving her a new voice didn't work! (all previously reported by the digibandit) -- now it's one last chance for Katie to survive her horrible ratings.

Les Moonbeam who hired her and who is in deep shit over that very costly decision, announced today: "We are going to put an exact replica of Walter Cronkite over Katie's head -- except for her tits and legs (her two best news assets) -- the audience will be looking at the most revered anchorman in the history of television !"

Mr. Cronkite said; "I am fortunate at this stage of my life to be able to make a contribution to news reporting even if I'm only a fake head attached to a dummy with hot tits and legs -- the American audience deserves nothing less --it is a perfect fit with their goofy lives."

Ms. Co uric announced; "I sincerely hope that giving some new head to the audience will bring them back to CBS news, and I'm so proud to be working with Walter Cronkite -- an iconic figure in journalism and a great human being ."

Les Moonbeam concluded; "This should give a great head (oops) start to our ratings going into the fall sweeps and if it works we might have Walter guest co-anchor with his head from time to time."

Paris Hilton Blows Larry King For Interview

A production assistant on the Larry King show has "blown" the whistle on his boss! --"Paris went into his office and i heard her whining and crying about how the broadcast networks wouldn't pay for her jail story and how Barbara Walters called her a slut and a moron and told her to go see that pimp Larry King ." -- said the assistant."

He continued; "Then i heard Larry say that he wasn't interested and that no responsible journalist would allow her to moan about her stupid crap in prime time when there were important issues to discuss with people of substance."

Then i heard Paris say; "Well would any of those people suck your cock so hard that your brain might explode?" --"And then there was total silence and in about two minutes i heard Larry scream --- "oh oh wooooo --oye vey is mir - wowowowo - Pareeeeees --yeyeyes!"

Then, according to the production assistant, he was called into the office and Larry announced his plan to preempt Michael Moore and to interview Paris -- his eyes were blank and unfocused and she just smiled -- and she had a giant cum stain on her blouse."

"Larry just kept mumbling that this was an important statement about the criminal justice system in America and about world justice" -- i felt like telling him he was nothing but an old Jewish pimp with a rich wasp whore."

Well, maybe his young wife will have a few words along those lines -- she must be very proud of him. --- Oh , and all you fucking morons who are planning on watching the interview should consider killing yourselves instead.

Hillary says Bill Is Under Control With Her New Blow Job Power

Responding to the attack by David Geffen,former Clinton ally and fund raiser, and now Obama Baracka supporter; that Bill would be risky (meaning frisky) to have as first man -- she stated at a press conference today: "

After Bill got sucked off in the oval orifice (heh heh ) by Monica Lewinsky, i took a long hard (forgive the pun)look at the situation and had to admit to myself that i was starving a very virile man of a key ingredient in his emotional composition; the need for oral sex which is a very deep and important drive in both men and women -- and a necessity for the fulfillment of a complete relationship.

"After Bill and i completed the demanding 'Oral Sex Boot Camp Training' -- which,bye the way, is so rigorous that experts call it the Navy Seal training equivalent of Deep Diving -- and where Bill came in first in the class and i came in second ( the woman that came in first could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch (heh hehheh) -- our marriage completely changed and we are like a pair of lovebirds"

"Bill says,when he stops screaming and moaning, that he can hardly walk after i finish -- and i don't mean to get personal but last week our security team almost broke into our soundproof bedroom after Bill performed his 'Dive" on me. -- i actually snapped one of the posts off George Washington's bed when i climaxed"

"Anyway -- Bill is under control -- and as first man he will be a great asset to the political process in effectively serving the American people -- and he sure will provide an important ongoing function for Madam President."

Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?"

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"

To which Bloomis responded ; "Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids -- Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Next --The no Cock left behind education bill?

Koran Says "No Oral Sex" -- Scholar Says "Thats 'The Muslim's Main Problem"

The great Islamic scholar, Hairarry Mufki Pufki said at Cairo University today; “The primary reason that so many Arab societies are dysfunctional and that Islamic fascism is taking over the Middle East is that -- The Koran forbids oral sex!”

In chapter 989 verse 14 the great prophet says; “Those who eat of the hairy pudding or swallow the hard stick shall never enter paradise .” -- he continued, “It is rumored that Mohammad was prone to sucking many “hard sticks” and ate many “hairy puddings” and that Allah was repelled by this behavior.”

The Scholar stated;” Consequently we have a huge population of devout Muslims who have never enjoyed the relaxing and mellowing pleasures of oral sex -- hence they are prone to violence and cruelty and intolerance and hatred of women and even children -- and they hope that upon earning entrance into Paradise by killing Infidels they might get a blow job at long last.”

When asked why Catholic priests ,who take vows of celibacy and chastity do not condone such violence -- the scholar replied; “Because catholic priests suck more alter boy cock than a whore on Santa Monica boulevard in west Hollywood on a Friday night.”

Ah! --so that’s it!

Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings

An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"

He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering "oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda.

"Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time."Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.

Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill O'Reilly et. al. -- and so now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice."

Fox Announces "She's Got Balls!"

Arnold Schlock, president of Fox reality television, announced their next breakthrough in family friendly -- trans gender -- reality programming.

"A group of young men men will get a chance to win one million dollars by deciding which of ten gorgeous transsexuals are actually women." Arnold continued,"The men -- all athletic macho types will get to ask questions and to slow dance with the transsexuals (hoping of course to get a revealing "rise" out of them ) in weeding out the men from the women," he said at a press conference in West Hollywood today -- transsexual capitol of the world.

"The contest will have a dramatic climax (oops) - as the men make their final choice and approaching their designated female choice they dramatically reach out and grab her/his crotch!" -- he continued with a big smile, "If they grab a pair of balls -- the stage lights up like a home run at Dodger stadium with the announcement -- "She's Got Balls!"

"And the poor schmuck is out a million bucks and the transsexual get's the money." -- this is gonna be the next American Idol as we travel the country holding transsexual auditions," Mr. Schlock stated.

"In little towns all across the country -- mothers will be escorting their teenage sons to the local "She's Got balls" audition sites dressed as gorgeous women," he said proudly, -- And this show will go a long way to breaking down the walls of intolerance that divide the "genders" in this great land of ours."

Another great television show and positive cultural breakthrough from Fox television! --Could "He's Got A Pussy !" be next?

"

Alberto Gonzales Has Penile Dysfunction -- Say's Mistress

Beleaguered Attorney General,Alberto Gonzales, is really in deep shit after his ex mistress Meredith Easton;who plays Maudey Beasley on Boston Leagal -- spilled the beans (or should we say the habichuelos.)Meridith told the bandit's Holywood reporter that "Speedy" --the nickname she gave him (after the Mexican cartoon character) because

"He cums in about twenty seconds --his record is sixty five seconds." She continued with her shocking revelations that shed new light on the mysterious firings of U.S Attorneys who had sterling performance records: "Speedy hates tall people! --Especially tall Wasps! -- He told me that he was going to get rid of a whole bunch of tall and snotty gringo U.S Attorneys.

"She went on;"Speedy is actually only one quarter of an inch above the legal definition of a dwarf and he is insanely jealous of normal men. When he saw me romantically involved with Bill Shatner on Boston Legal he told me i was a dwarf slut and that he would have the Justice Department look into Shatner's background and taxes."Meredith continued; "Actually, 'Speedy' is hung like a moose -- but he can't control his cum passion.

When i told him that Shatner can go for hours he went crazy. -- He even slammed a law book on his cock in frustration -- he thought the pain would slow him down -- but not 'Speedy!' --He blew his wad in fifteen seconds and started crying -- "Those fucking gringos on The Senate Judiciary Committee -- especially that kike Arnold Spector -- they hate me because i'm a dwarf!"

"Speedy" -- i mean Attorney General Gonzales, could not be reached for comment but President Bush reiterated his support for him and said; "Speedy?" -- hey that's cute! -- I used to love that cartoon. You know what? -- he does look a lot like that little Mexican feller --heh heh heh!"

Bible Park USA Will Become America's Vatican

Christianity is about to realize it's true potential!

Armon Bar-Tur, managing director of SafeHarbor Holding, a New York company that is developing Bible Park USA, said the project was revealed to officials months before it was ready. misconceptions and “silly rumors” have resulted, he said.

The park, described in promotional material as “edutainment,” would cost $150 million to $200 million. With a Galilean village as its centerpiece, one side of the park would present Old Testament stories like the Exodus; the other side would have New Testament stories like Jesus’ birth and crucifixion. The only displays in writing would be excerpts from Scripture, and parts of the park would be reserved for Bible study.

"This is the perfect way to capture the deep spiritual connection that Christianity has developed with modern folks all over the globe," said Pastor Calvin Butts of Murfreesboro, Tennessee --where the park will be situated.

He said that; Anyone who has been to the Mall of America and Disneyland knows that the only thing missing is a good old fashioned dose of themed Scripture! "And these folks from up in hymietown really know how to get a message across!"
"
They're planning a huge scary rolly coaster called 'The Hairy Mary' and their will be a water park called "Capsize and Baptize" and a ride which has been called the most exciting since Black Flags came out with Batman -- It's called 'Crucifixion'! -- where riders will be strapped upside down to crosses and spun around at super high speeds and are left hanging there for an hour while Hasidic Jew's chanting in Yiddish dance around them.

God and Christ and The Apostles will be wandering throughout the park -- just like Mickey mouse and the Dwarfs at Disneyland and there is speculation that there will also be "Pope Goofy" -- and one of the main attractions which has been sold out for the next five years: ---- You guessed it!

A state of the art 3d digital manger where you can witness the immaculate conception of Jesus Christ -- for only twenty bucks!

To be continued:

Paris Hilton's Pubic Hair Smuggled Out Of Jail

A lock of Paris Hilton's pubic hair which a fellow prisoner snagged from a bar of soap she had used --was smuggled out of LA county jail and will be sold on ebay --starting bids already exceed 250 thousand dollars from an undisclosed Saudi prince.

The Saudi said the pubic hair was DNA certified to be from Paris' pussy and a perfect match with the one which was DNA identified from the toothbrush of Rosie O'Donnell -- which was stolen by Rosie's maid and sold to Donald Trump for 300 thousand dollars. (the toothbrush is on display at the Trump casino in Atlantic City,N.J where it is the number four tourist attraction in the state -- beating out the house where George Washington slept in Trenton..

Paris said today; "This only proves the point that we celebrities provide so much joy and pleasure to the happiness starved masses that we should not be measured by ordinary standards -- we should be left alone to behave in ways that will allow the masses to have some relief from their morbid and miserable and ignorant lives."

She continued; "Are you seriously going to lock someone up,like me, with dirty disgusting assholes -- who give millions of morons something to talk about except the weather -- and give the media an opportunity to connect with their viewers?"

"I mean really!" -- how much money do you think Hillary Clinton could get for her cunt hair?" she stated, "Or, how much would a lock of pussy hair from Sandra Day O'Connor go for? -- you couldn't give it away!"

"I mean really!" -- you don't have any celebrities in the Muslim world and look at what happens to maniacs and morons without any celebrities?"

You know -- she's got a point there -- hmmmm!

God says "Knock Off Political Prayer - Or Else!" -- Says Pope

"God is on overload!", said Pope Benedick today. "He has enough to handle without listening to Barak Obama and John Edwards et al. wining to him about their pseudo passion for the healing properties of Religion and Faith as they seek political power.

He stated; "God told me that while he was trying to do something about the genocide in Darfur, and was getting close to a solution -- Bam! -- in comes a prayer from Hillary Clinton concerning her lingering hatred for her husband because he got a blow job from an intern."

God continued;" Do i give a shit about one more blow job in a world that would be better off with more blowjobs and less violence and disease and crooked politicians?"

The pope said that God is really pissed off and also asserted; "If these phony politicians keep up with their "Political Prayer" i will give them a lot more to worry about than their careers."

God went on ; "Maybe i should let the public know the kind of shit that these people do when the lights are out?" - "They are mostly a bunch of ignorant -- lying -- hypocritical thieves and cowards! -- but they are still better than most humans!"

"Oh" said God; and if that ambulance chasing redneck, John Edwards says my name in vain one more time i will make damn sure his wife's cancer spreads to her pussy!"

Gay Cali Prisoners Denied Asshole Lubricant

Gay Inmates to Be Granted Conjugal Visits in California
Published: June 3, 2007 New York Times
SAN FRANCISCO, June 1 — Gay and lesbian prisoners in California will be allowed overnight visits with their partners under a new prison policy, believed to be the first time a state has allowed same-sex conjugal stays.

However, Merle Cyanide, head of the California penal administration has refused to allow the sale of asshole lubricants in the prison commissaries.

"Typical American social progress -- the Liberals pass compassionate laws and the Conservatives fight social justice tooth and nail!" said Blake Muffster, spokesman for the gay and lesbian rights council. "Here's a lonely and sex starved homo felon who finally gets to have a conjugal visit:and he is forced to take it up a dry asshole!"

He continued; "I'd like to see these right- wing rednecks that fight against these compassionate laws - sodomize their fat wives without some asshole lubricant." -- " The problem is that in an election year it will be very difficult for politicians to take a stand for mandatory stocking of asshole creams in prison commissaries ."

He stated," We are hopeful that Barney Frank, the fiery and principled gay congressman from Massachusetts will lead the fight on capitol hill, and if we can get to the Supreme Court we know that we will have the support of Justice Thomas, who probably uses more asshole cream than any one in Washington."

Some liberals, like Senator John Kerry have said; "Let's not make a stand on this issue -- why can't the conjugal visitors just load up their assholes with cream before arriving at the prison."

"Well John, i replied, have you ever sat on a bus for three hours with your asshole filled with lubricant?" --To which he replied, "Many times!"

Breakfast Is Served -- 6/1/07 Hollywood ,CA. --Seven Eleven

"Good morning mam" --i says to the 250 pound plus black woman who is petting my dog while she waits for Jose to ring up her breakfast order at the seven eleven on the corner of Sunset and La Brea.

"Good mornin to you and that's a fine lookin dog you got there!" -- at which point Jose yells something at me that ends in "pero" so i figure i better tie up Liza outside and the LAPD officer getting his free coffee is now looking at me like he was back having fun in the Mac Arthur park melee --beating on the heads of Latinos with his nightstick.

Back inside, the fat black woman is finishing her transaction -- which was delayed by her additional purchase of the Daily Globe tabloid, "Oh my can you imagine that poor Japanese woman who gave birth to a giant Squid!" -- i just don't know where this global warming is a heading?"

"Do you always read the Globe ?" i inquired. -- "Well it's a bit pricey but it sure keeps me informed! I usually scan it to stay up with things but when you see a story like this Squid business? --i just gotta have it to show the family. "

Jose tallys up her order ; -- California lottery and three "One hundred thosand instant 'American Idol Jackpot Cards ' -- four breakfast bars (two lemon and two blueberry pies for maximum nutrition) -- two red bulls and one coke (important for the kiddies to drink plenty of liquids) -- a pack of Kool lights and two extra large coffees with about twelve packets of sugar and an equal amount of that cremola stuff that you can also use to make napalm. (plus the tabloid.)

Total order amount is $18.75 -- as a percent of her total family take home pay it is the equivalent of the average middle -class woman spending $72 on breakfast for herself and two kids! -- It is also enough to buy enough nutritious groceries for a family of four for two whole days (on a tight budget).

And by the time our lovely woman's kids get to school they will have ingested enough sugar and chemicals to put their young brains into "school is an action video game" mode -- She would have been much better off giving the kids some downers and a glass of milk (total cost on Medicaid - 75 cents) --much healthier and greatly appreciated by the teacher and fellow students.

And --that would leave her with enough money left over to buy twelve additional Lottery Jackpot cards -- increasing her odds of winning from one in 400 million two one in three hundred million.

You know, when it comes to raising a family in these days of global competition -- it's all about resource management -- effective planning -- and quality education!

"Have a nice day mam" -- "Oh and you too!" she says -- "and you take care of that fine dog -- and why don't you get her some of that beef jerky over there --my kids just love it!"

I'm moving to Cuba!

Don't Bring A pussy To A Knife Fight

In a twist on the old adage, "Don't bring a knife to a gun fight." -- Sheryl Manglelbush, head pollster for Gallup/USA said; "In our latest poll we asked Americans the following question:

"If you were in a bar with your wife or girlfriend and a big black man came up and grabbed her crotch from behind -- thumb in asshole and lifting her like a bowling bowl -- while holding a knife to her throat -- which of the top presidential candidates would you want to be in that bar and handle the situation?"

Herewith are the results of this extensive survey:

John Edwards -- would try to negotiate her release and fail due to a low money offer resulting in the death of the woman and extreme injury to the husband who he would represent in court and win ten million dollars in damages.

Barak Obama -- he would quote Plato - Maimonides and Martin Luther King and then shit his pants -- creating a diversion during which the woman would flee and the assailant escape.

Rudolph Giuliani -- he would shoot the assailant through the eye and the woman through the head killing them both instantly. This action and remedy resulted in a dominant first place showing among all men polled!

Mitt Romney -- he would quote "The Book Of Mormon" and then pee all over himself --resulting in confusion and the escape of the assailant after giving Mitt a giant hug and a kiss.

John Mc Caine -- he would fly into a rage and attack the assailant but due to his age and war injuries would have a seizure -- turn red -- and pass out. This would anger the attacker who would cut the woman's throat and be shot later by the police.

Hillary Clinton -- she would shoot the husband by mistake and the assailant would escape with the woman to a hotel room where he would sodomize and then release her. This action resulted in her dominating the polling among potential female voters by a huge margin -- but it cost her the male vote.

"The results predict that it will be Rudy against Hillary in 2008 -- and due to a strong possibility of another terrorist attack -- it will be Giuliani by ten percentage points," --said Ms. Manglebush.

Satan Is A Pussy

"No, no, no to Satan! No, no, no to America! No, no, no to occupation! No, no, no to Israel!"MOKTADA AL-SADR, the populist Shiite cleric, speaking to worshipers yesterday on his return to Iraq."

"Confronted by psychopathic morons like Al-Sadr -- in a world full of free range weapons of mass destruction -- the majority of secular powerhouse nations have put their heads in the sand and their butt holes in the air --just waiting for these warped savage throwbacks to drive their message home!" So said brigadier general Moishe Pipick , of the Israeli defense forces.

He continued; "When will the world wake up? -- The fact is that there are one-hundred million Arabs who can't read or write or dream of a future in this world. They have been exploited for generations and whipped into a blood frenzy by religious and tribal leaders who only care about power -- it's the Arab way for over a thousand years now. --the only thing that's changed is the weapons! -- So now we have to take them seriously."

The general continued; " Sure Bush fucked up bigtime! They did it all wrong: --- By not securing huge caches of weaponry -- indiscriminate debathification -- dismissing the army wholesale -- putting incompetent Republican ideologues in key reconstruction and vital transition leadership positions - and mismanaging the reconstruction resources -- yadadadadda!"

"The Bushies are idiots! -- Republican loyalty trumped competence every time -- but at least they have balls! Bush and Blair totally understand -- "It's ultimately about killing these bastards stupid!"

"We could have one million tough troops on the ground in Iraq if the French and Germans weren't a bunch of pussies -- and if the Russians and Chinese and Indians weren't more worried about their economic growth than their future asses" -- Pipick stated: "It's just a matter of time --you can bank on it -- THEY are gonna blow up a whole shitload of folks somewhere! Not three thousand --three hundred thousand! Economies will fail all over the world and the people will go berserk and then the Arab world will look like a scene from Cormac Mc Carthy's post apocalyptic novel "The Road."

"And take some advice from us Israelis" said the general --'It's not about the land and who was here first --or colonialism -- or WMD or no WMD --or whether Iraq is a poster child for Al Qaeda recruitment -- yadadadadadad ! Wake the fuck up! --It's about a whole bunch of death worshiping folks who are determined to fucking slaughter any of their own innocent people --if necessary -- if it helps to slaughter us Infidels.

It's way too late in the game for rational equivocation --we have the power to really hurt these bastards before they get to us --- and unfortunately, huge masses of innocent folks are going to have to die --if we don't use enough collective power to deliver a knockout blow in Iraq."

"The only chance to avoid wholesale devastation in the Middle East is to get a free world Mega Army into Iraq --that's the front --face it -- we're lucky to have a front -- these fanatics only understand force! - And we have to decisively punish them and stabilize the country with an overwhelming military presence --or what we'll have to do later will make the current conflict look like a tea party."

"When they hit us hard -- George Bush and Tony Blair are going to look like clones of George Washington and Winston Churchill on steroids -- and the former pussies will turn into pit bulls --- and Allah help the Arabs --there's gonna be a huge demand for virgins and swimming pools in heaven."

Happy Memorial Day

Bush Announces Illegal Mexican Army Plan for Iraq

The Bandit has learned that President Bush will announce , on his weekly radio address, that he plans to offer one-hundred and fifty thousand illegal aliens full amnesty if they agree to serve one year on the front lines in Iraq -- he stated:"Mexicans are great fighters -- look at Macho Camacho and Oscar De La Hoya for example; they are fast and tough and they don't eat much and love hot weather -- perfect for Iraq"

"I'm calling for the formation of --'Tres Divisiones De Ilegales '(three divisions of illegals for you Gringos - heh! heh!)" said Bush -- "And VP Cheney has given this plan a great name -- " Operation Landscapers."

The President continued; "Our Mexican illegals want to show us that they are ready to kill to become US citizens --and here's their chance to show us what they can do without killing us gringos --heh heh" The landscaper divisions will be under the command of general Francisco (speedy) Gonzalez -- a cousin of Alberto Gonzales who may soon be joining the general in Iraq.

"When the illegals are not killing terrorists they will be employed in landscaping the American green zone and the homes of Iraqi government officials -- so they will not lose the basic job skills they will need, if they are not killed in combat operations. -- That is an example of my compassionate conservatism the Democrats are always poo -pooing -- especially that cunt Nancy Pelosi!" --he concluded.

Rudy Giuliani To Buy Mexico With Donald Trump

"Mexico is a super rich country -- with tremendous natural resources and unlimited potential," said Republican presidential frontrunner Rudy Giuliani in a press conference with the Donald at a Wall Street press conference, with their hedge fund partner in this venture, Goldman Sachs." We will buy Mexico on a leveraged buy-out basis just like it was a Corporation by offering every Mexican citizen five thousand American dollars and then they will vote to become "Americans". said Giuliani.

Moishe Pipickwitz ,President of Goldman Sachs, said ,"a lot of rich Mexicans are gonna be pretty pissed , but they have been screwing their people so much for so long that it's just tough shit -- their Government is totally corrupt and run by drug lords. -- Giuliani and Trump will take over as joint chairmen of Mexico and will immediately break ground on " The Mexico World Gringo Palace" -- a pleasure and gambling zone that will cover all of Southern Mexico." Pipickwitz continued"All drugs will be legalized as well as prostitution and gambling -- this will eliminate all crime and corruption problems and create huge revenue streams.

This bold plan will basically illeminate illegal immigration to the United States, as Mexicans will come streaming back across the border for the exciting new opportunities in Mexico Inc. (it could,however, create huge emmigration from the United States which we will have to keep an eye on, especially with the establishment of universal health care for all Mexican citizens).

Trump also said; " Long term, Donald and I are working on a plan to buy Iraq -- relocate it's few remaining "normal citizens" and all women and children -- settling it with Mexicans and then selling the oil and dividing the revenue among all the soldiers who served there."

Asked about whether there would be a place in his cabinet for Trump if elected President, Rudy responded; " Does a bear shit in the woods?"

Jerry Falwell Get's Shocking Welcome From God

Walking through the pearly gates on his way to see the “Big Guy” in the sky -- The Rev was probably a little bit confused by the fact that the two Angels escorting him were black cross-dressers.

He probably thought they were doing subservient penance acting as lowly couriers for righteous and pious folks like himself -- on the way to a big good old boy sitdown with God himself and then on to his comfortable quarters in Paradise -- surrounded by all his redneck friends and family and colleagues.

Well confusion must have turned into shock; when he was brought before the Creator of the Universe who was lying on a red chaise lounge getting a blow job -- surrounded by a gaggle of Hasidic Jews pointing to and laughing at him -- a group of Hispanics watching a cock fight, and a posse of homeboys shooting hoops with the spectators all boozing it up and smoking weed.

“Good God” said ole Jerry -- “Am I in hell?” -- The Big Guy just leaned back and smiled and replied; “Nope ,not yet -- but you will be in about five minutes! I just wanted the folks youv’e been shitting over -- for your whole delusional misguided and pitiful life of intolerance and bigotry; to see what happens -- firsthand, to all those who turn “love thy neighbor” into:

“Love thy neighbor if he agrees with your stupid bullshit and he’s the same color and the same religion” -but -- “Fuck every body who is different up the ass in an orgasmic celebration of intolerance –hypocrisy – iignorance and plain old fashioned blind hatred.”

So -- youv’e been misrepresenting my principles for so long now that I have prepared a special place for you in hell! - You are going to be Martin Luther King’s personal “bitch” for all eternity! -- and Martin has assured me that he has a very interesting agenda which you will be following -- FOREVER!

So long Jer -- hope you brought along some “ass cream.”

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit

Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood -- my Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)

"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"

And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Who Was The First Mother?

It's Mom's day and my weird mind is thinking about the first man and woman who blundered into a sexual union -- culminating nine months later in the "Earth's First Mother." (and subsequent first Mother's Day)

Now if your a member of the Adam and Eve crowd or you still believe in the tooth fairy please stop reading -- you are delusional and have better things to do -- like seeing a Doctor.

But for those of us who like to ponder weird shit it might be fun to consider how that first sexual union occurred?

A big burly apish hominid has woken up in great discomfort because his penis is throbbing against a stone on the bare earth with some leaves and moss on it -- the forerunner of the sealy posturepedic mattress. "Oye vey!" he groans, and awakens the guy next to him -- who he doesn't realize is actually a female. She looks exactly like him but with a different chest and a different genitalia arrangement -- but since no one understood anything back then there was no reason for alarm -- only wonderment. (lucky them)

The unbeknownst female called Tzitsckas (the strange chested one)) say's; "Vooz machsta (what's up) Oorgy?" To which Oorgy replied; "Mine shticklach es grovnen!(my stick is growing).
To which the soon to be first impregnated female replies; " Ach mine tuchas ess grovnen shticklaken" (oh shit - it's growing into a big stick!)

And standing up and saying words in the ancient cave Yiddish that have echoed down through the eons -- i said them myself only last week (and i translate) "Stand back Tzitsckas --i don't know how big this will get."
And -- at an engorged thirteen inches it slowed,and finally stopped at sixteen inches. (a phsical trait which only exists today in black athletes).

Well here's where Genetics and DNA took over, as Tzitsckas cried out! And i'm using the original cave Yiddish here to emphasize and honor the Ancient request that men have been hearing, from women. for over three hundred thousand years in thousands of languages: -- but this was the first time! -- "Oh Oorgy , ich nam so hornen ples shtick ein huge lognin ent mine holen!" (Oh Oorgy, i'm so horny -please stick your huge stick (becomes 'dick') -- in my hole)

And when Oorg climaxed he let out a thunderous cry across the Tundra -- "Whoopee" (the ancient origin of the word pussy which evolved into 'putshme' to 'pushme woopee' to 'pussy woopee' to 'pussy wipped' and 'pussy')

Well,nine months later Oorg and Tzitsckas had a twenty two pond baby boy they named Irving (the first Jew) --and one year later celebrated the Earth's -- first Mother's Day.

And for those of you who are wondering where Oorg and Tzitsckas came from and why this whole chain of events didn't register earlier wih their births and their parents etc. -- well how the the fuck would i know ! Maybe they were too high or too dumb? But one things for sure -- Oorg and Tzitsckas were the first ones to do it -- and to remember what they did.

Happy Mother's Day!