Fox announces "Candid Catholic Confessions" With Father Konfessor

Fox has got a lot of cajones (balls to you gringos) in addition to be being cutting edge creative!

Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience.

"What a breakthrough!" -- Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Sandy Gruesome:president of Fox entertainment.

This is Gruesom's first major programming move after the resignation of Doug Hertzhog who was not happy in his diminished role reporting to Gruesome.

Elise mandelbaum the bandit Hollywood reporter asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense - give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Gruesome; "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear -- and here's the penance!"

"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary youv'e been naughty so i require five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous -and won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Gruesome --it will be bigger than Idol.

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off.

Fox Announces "Green Card" Hosted By Paris Hilton

Once again those creative people over at Fox TV have found a way to provide a fun reality show with a positive social twist.

A group of fabulous looking men and women will compete for the affection of American citizens who have agreed to marry the winners - thereby gaining them LEGAL alien status.

Paris Hilton told the bandit Hollywood reporter today; "I'm so excited about doing something worthwhile in my fucked up life - some lucky illegals will get a chance to fuck their way into American citizenship thanks to Fox TV."

She continued; "I'm like the perfect host for this cool new show and i might even marry one of those wetbacks myself if he can really light up my G spot and get my crab grass under control"

President Bush upon hearing about the show said; "Heh heh -- well, you know the Fox news channel has been called the "Bush News Network" and they always know how to arrange the news just right for us real Americanos -- and now along comes this "Green Card" show which might just be the answer to the immigration problema we've been lookin for --hooray Fox!"

The contestants will spend a week at a resort with their potential future partners and will perform various housekeeping and landscaping and cooking and of course sex related activities.

Finally their will be wedding and"Green Card"ceremonies for the lucky winners -- presided over by the Department of Immigration and Naturalization. (and Paris of course)

The President of Mexico was overheard telling an aide; "I would love to fuck Paris Hilton in the burrito -- they can keep the green card"

God bless Fox television and America!

Condoleeza Rice Teams With Best Foods To Launch -- "Condoleeza Brown Rice"

Well commercial endorsements by political leaders had to happen sooner or later -- and Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice has signed a seven figure deal with Best Foods International to manufacture a "brown" rice product with her name and likeness on the box -- "Condoleeza Rice".

And the word is that this is just the beginning; Vice president Dick Cheney is reportedly in negotiations with the world's largest manufacturer of security fences to endorse a new advanced line which will be called "Cheney Link Titanium Fences." with the slogan "Nothing Get's Through!"

A huge deal is being negotiated between George and Laura Bush and Proctor and Gamble for the release of "George and Laura Bush Baked Beans."

And even a Supreme Court Justice is getting into the act with a six figure advance to Justice Clarence Thomas from General Foods for -- "Clarence Thomas' Whitey Boy Muffins"

House Speaker nancy Pelosi is rumored to have turned down several million dollars from Maidenform to appear in a bras commercial "The Speaker Stands Firm In Her Maidenform Bra.!" -- But negotiations continue.....

What's next? -- "Barak Obama Pancake Mix?'

Stay tuned!

NBC Buys Oxygen - Oprah To Launch "Sex - Bling and Cock" Channel

Oxygen Media began in February 2000 with enormous fanfare and a group of high-profile backers, chief among them Ms. Winfrey. It aimed to be a serious contender for ratings with the Lifetime Network, the leading cable channel for women.

So here is a sample of some of their most successful shows -- the ones that their "women" just love -- and which made Jeff Drecker (NBC Boss) drool and pay 925 million for it. "A perfect fit with the NBC family" - he says -- Excuse me while i puke!

Campus Ladies: The acclaimed improv comedy is back with a guest-star studded 2nd season and further adventures of suburban housewives Joan and Barri turned college party girls.
Girls Behaving Badly: Hilarious hidden camera hi-jinks from a distinctly female POV.
Absolutely Fabulous: Sin is in in this British cult hit series following extravagant Edina and her bad girl gal pal Patsy.
.
Reality
The Bad Girls’ Road Trip: The girls hit the road for a cross-country trip to meet each other’s friends and family, visit the other ‘bad girls’ in their hometowns and get new recruits for the second season.
The Bad Girls Club: Find out what happens when seven bad girls live under one roof in Oxygen's new reality series from the producers of Real World.
Fight Girls: Ten young female fighters live and train together for a shot at competing in the World Muay Thai championship.
Tori & Dean: Inn Love: Tori Spelling and new husband Dean McDermott go from in-crowd to inn keepers when they open a new B&B.
The Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency: Model turned mogul Janice Dickinson returns with an all-new season of attitude as she strives to make her modeling agency thrive.
Tease: Lisa Rinna hosts the ultimate battle for hair supremacy as home town challengers face off against Master Stylists.
Mo'Nique's F.A.T. Chance: Comedienne Mo'Nique's televised beauty pageant for big and beautiful women. The 3rd annual pageant premieres this summer. Stay tuned.
Snapped: Oxygen's hit true-crime series profiles the fascinating cases of women accused of murder.
Captured: Captured is an engrossing true-crime series that puts women at the center of solving mysteries.
Real Weddings from the Knot: A behind-the-scenes look from the bride's point of view of what really happens during the three weeks before her wedding.

Web Only
Our Bodies, Myself: Self-help guru Lauren Butterfield hosts Oxygen's first web exclusive show celebrating all things woman -- even the parts that smell bad.

Sex & Relationships
Talk Sex: No question about love and sex is too delicate for straight-talking "Sex Grandma" Sue Johanson.

Talk
The Tyra Banks Show: The former super model's daily talk show focusing on women's dreams, hopes and challenges.

Action
Xena: Warrior Princess: The formidable warrior princess takes on all forms of bad dudes in this cult adventure show.

Wow! -- Congratulations girls -- you certainly showed the world what American Women are made of - and stand for - and are really interested in:

Sex - Bling -- and Cock!

Tony Soprano Will Rub Out Fred Thompson!

Tony Soprano To Enter Dem Presidential Primary -- Will Run Against DA Arthur Branch (Fred Thompson) For President

Wow! -- It finally happened ! -- The race for president has turned into the ultimate television reality show. -- Fred Thompson has jumped into the republican presidential primary and leaped to the front of the pack in a heartbeat -- based on the persona he has acquired from his role in "Law and Order" as NYC DA Arthur Branch .

Howard Dean head of the Democratic party's National Committee announced today; "This guy could wipe out any of the current Democratic candidates!"

"The American people are basically a pack of morons and in the post 911 era a guy with his national television appeal in the role of a tough law man battling evil on the most popular dramatic series on TV --forget it! "

He continued; "Hillary might as well go back to nagging Bill full time and John Edwards to chasing ambulances; and Barak Obamamama couldn't get elected dog catcher with Fred Thompson in the race!"

"However" - he stated: "With James Gandolfini joining the Democratic primary we have a candidate who will certainly forge ahead to win that contest and subsequently defeat Thompson and take the white House -- it's gonna be president Tony Soprano."

"He will run on the slogan "Let A Mob Boss Protect America" -- "And we predict the largest voter turnout in American history and a landslide victory for President James Gandolfini "He concluded; "Oh and his VP running mate will be Edie Falco and his cabinet will be comprised of his mob team from the Sopranos --with Paulie Walnuts as national security advisor --and Big Pussie will return as secretary of state and Johnny (sack) Sacramonti will be Secretary of defense -- and the whole west Wing will be a total replication of the Bada Bing office.

"Tony (Mr. Gandolfino) issued a short statement saying; "As far as I'm concerned the terrorists are just a rival gang -- and we know exactly what to do about them and the rest of our enemies!"

Bada Bing! -- Bada Boom!

Larry Mo and Curly --Bush - Rumsfeld and Cheney --The Three Stooges

VP Cheney A Stooge Relative
Well, it should come as no surprise to anyone who has followed Dick Cheney's performance as Vice President -- That the Bandit has learned that he is in fact -- the nephew of the famous Three Stooge's member-- -- "Curly."

President Bush said "I knew he reminded me of someone -- i am a big fan of The Stooges yuk yuk yuk".

Ex Defense Chief Donald Rumsfeld and an old pal of Cheney said "Yep -- as a matter of fact when i was younger and had lot's of hair i strongly resembled Mo . -- And it is strangely coincidental that the President looks a lot like larry!"

So there you have it -- Bush Rumsfeld and Cheney -- Larry - Mo - and Curly -- the Three Stooges of American foreign policy!

Isiah Thomas - Another Shitty Example For Black Youth

On the witness stand, Mr. Thomas denied virtually every allegation made by Ms Anuncha. Browne Sanders. He denied swearing at her, ogling her, hugging her with amorous intent and telling her that he loved her and that she was beautiful and so attractive as to be a workplace distraction for him.

The harassment verdict was widely expected after the jury sent a note to the judge Monday indicating that it believed Thomas and the other defendants, Madison Square Garden and MSG chairman James Dolan, sexually harassed Browne Sanders, a married mother of three.

Her Honors and awards

Sports Business Journal 's "40 under 40" list, given to up-and-coming young sports executives. [1]1993: Inducted into the Northwestern Athletics Hall of FameNorthwestern University's Athlete of the Decade for the 1980s.

It's definitely time for some scientific inquiry into the black (no pun intended) hole of "political incorrectness" - to examine whether black males have a wee bit of a testosterone management issue.

Their rampant misogyny is probably the result of cultural neglect - but maybe they could get their shit together for the sake of the kids -- how about it you big strong black assholes?

Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas Is A Disgrace
Sworn testimony of Professor Anita Hill at Thomas' judicial hearings -- as follows:

"One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office," she said. "He got up from the table at which we are working, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and said, 'Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?' On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal, and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex." Another time, she said, he talked about a movie called "Long Dong Silver."

That was just a small portion of the testimony by Anita Hill, a professor of social policy, law and women’s studies at Brandeis University, and a visiting scholar at the Newhouse Center for the Humanities at Wellesley College -- which unfortunately was ignored by the good ole boys in Congress -- and "Long Dong" was confirmed by one vote ( the smallest margin in history) and took his place as the worst Supreme Court Justice in history - and a disgrace to all African American's.

Professor Hill said about "Dong's" new book "My Grandfather's Son" -- "Justice Thomas’s characterization of me is also hobbled by blatant inconsistencies. He claims, for instance, that I was a mediocre employee who had a job in the federal government only because he had “given it” to me. He ignores the reality: I was fully qualified to work in the government, having graduated from Yale Law School (his alma mater, which he calls one of the finest in the country), and passed the District of Columbia Bar exam, one of the toughest in the nation

.In 1981, when Mr. Thomas approached me about working for him, I was an associate in good standing at a Washington law firm. In 1991, the partner in charge of associate development informed Mr. Thomas’s mentor, Senator John Danforth of Missouri, that any assertions to the contrary were untrue. Yet, Mr. Thomas insists that I was “asked to leave” the firm."

Justice Thomas is a sick fuck - and he's got one of the most powerful jobs in America -- for life!

It's time to change the law which gives lifetime job security to Supreme Court Justices - and which eliminates any possibility to rectify a huge mistake - like Justice Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas.

Blackwater Is Like Santa Clause Compared To Iraqi Leaders

"We have 1,000 guys out in the field. People make mistakes, they do stupid things sometimes."ERIK D. PRINCE, chief executive of Blackwater USA, which is under scrutiny for shootings by its employees in Iraq.

So Mr. Nuri al Maliki - Prime Minister of Iraq - what kind of men do you think are willing and able to guard the high level officials who are trying to save your asses - in the middle of a Muslim slaughter pit?

The shit hits the fan every once in a while because one of your fellow countrymen is hanging around on every fucking corner waiting to kill someone because they have nothing better to do.

Millions of innocent men women and children have been killed or wounded or uprooted -- your government is totally corrupt and dysfunctional -- and your whining about an unfortunate and non deliberate violent accident by individuals hired by a country that will soon have spent a trillion dollars and the lives of four-thousand great soldiers to deliver you from a madman -and give you a shot at a real life?

How about standing up -will someone -anyone -stand up and start screaming about the fuckers killing everyone in sight -day in and day out -- because of some argument fourteen hundred years ago about who should report directly to God!

How about we agree it should be Bugs Bunny --and then you can all go back to the Bronze Age and give it another try --Asshole!

The only more delusional asshole than you is George Bush!

Whew - i feel a lot better now --it's Miller time!

Clarence Thomas' New Book - "My Grandfather's Son - The Jerk-Off Justice"

The following exclusive report i blogged back in September, revealed an interesting insight into Justice Thomas' behavior that he left out of his new book "My Grandfather's Son"



Supreme Court Justice Thomas Wacks off During Court hearings
An incredible report surfaced today as Meyer Goldtooth,a law clerk for Supreme Court justice Clarence Thomas, told the bandit's court reporter:



"Everyone has wondered for many years now why Justice Thomas never asks questions during Court hearings --and now i know why!"He continued;"Last week i went up to pass him an important note during the partial birth abortion hearings and he was staring straight ahead -- his eyes were glazed over and he was muttering!

"Oh yes -- oh shit -- oh my oh man!" -- "I could see he was wacking off and when he reached for the message his robe opened and i could see a massive black hard-on - it looked like an Anaconda



."Meyer went on,"As you know he won confirmation by only one vote in a tough battle due to the fact that a former law professor, Anita Hill, who had worked for Thomas at EEOC and The Department of Education -- had accused him of sexual assault; and a lot of allegations were raised about his aberrant sexual proclivities at that time.



"Thomas has been a source of great frustration to black civil right leader's and a favorite of the Bush right wingers; and has sided with the religious conservatives on every fucked up issue dear to their delusional vision of social justice in accord with a world created five thousand years ago by Bugs Bunny.



Well -- now it all makes sense! Another sexually frustrated hypocrite --in a position of power -- getting even with the universe of us poor humans who get laid on a regular basis and laugh at assholes like them. It's quite a club: From the Pope to Bill Oreilly and Rush Limbaugh and - oh well - it's pathetic. -- So now we welcome its newest prominent member --Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas -- "The Jerk-Off Justice"

That should have been the title of his just released book - "My Grandfather's Son --The Jerk -Off Justice"

Try writing that in Iran!

Isiah Thomas - Another Shitty Example For Black Youth

Sept. 26: On the witness stand, Mr. Thomas denied virtually every allegation made by Ms Anuncha. Browne Sanders. He denied swearing at her, ogling her, hugging her with amorous intent and telling her that he loved her and that she was beautiful and so attractive as to be a workplace distraction for him.



The harassment verdict was widely expected after the jury sent a note to the judge Monday indicating that it believed Thomas and the other defendants, Madison Square Garden and MSG chairman James Dolan, sexually harassed Browne Sanders, a married mother of three.



Honors and awards
Sports Business Journal 's "40 under 40" list, given to up-and-coming young sports executives. [1]
1993: Inducted into the Northwestern Athletics Hall of Fame
Northwestern University's Athlete of the Decade for the 1980s.

It's definitely time for some scientific inquiry into the black (no pun intended) hole of "political incorrectness" - to examine whether black males have a wee bit of a testosterone management issue.

Their rampant misogyny is probably the result of cultural neglect - but maybe they could get their shit together for the sake of the kids -- how about it you big strong black assholes.

Clarence "Long Dong Silver" Thomas Is A Disgrace

Sworn testimony of Professor Anita Hill at Thomas' judicial hearings -- as follows:

"One of the oddest episodes I remember was an occasion in which Thomas was drinking a Coke in his office," she said. "He got up from the table at which we are working, went over to his desk to get the Coke, looked at the can and said, 'Who has put pubic hair on my Coke?' On other occasions he referred to the size of his own penis as being larger than normal, and he also spoke on some occasions of the pleasures he had given to women with oral sex." Another time, she said, he talked about a movie called "Long Dong Silver."



That was just a small portion of the testimony by Anita Hill, a professor of social policy, law and women’s studies at Brandeis University, and a visiting scholar at the Newhouse Center for the Humanities at Wellesley College -- which unfortunately was ignored by the good ole boys in Congress -- and "Long Dong" was confirmed by one vote ( the smallest margin in history) andtook his place as the worst Supreme Court Justice in history - and a disgrace to all African American's.





Professor Hill said about "Dong's" new book "My Grandfather's Son" -- "Justice Thomas’s characterization of me is also hobbled by blatant inconsistencies. He claims, for instance, that I was a mediocre employee who had a job in the federal government only because he had “given it” to me. He ignores the reality: I was fully qualified to work in the government, having graduated from Yale Law School (his alma mater, which he calls one of the finest in the country), and passed the District of Columbia Bar exam, one of the toughest in the nation.
In 1981, when Mr. Thomas approached me about working for him, I was an associate in good standing at a Washington law firm. In 1991, the partner in charge of associate development informed Mr. Thomas’s mentor, Senator John Danforth of Missouri, that any assertions to the contrary were untrue. Yet, Mr. Thomas insists that I was “asked to leave” the firm."



Justice Thomas is a sick fuck - and he's got one of the most powerful jobs in America -- for life!



A great reason to change the laws regarding life tenure for Supreme Court Justices!

Prison Is A Vacation For Most Young Black Hoodlums - It's Punishment Time!

America has more than two million citizens behind bars, the highest absolute and per capita rate of incarceration in the world. Black Americans, a mere 13 percent of the population, constitute half of this country’s prisoners. A tenth of all black men between ages 20 and 35 are in jail or prison; blacks are incarcerated at over eight times the white rate.

The effect on black communities is catastrophic: one in three male African-Americans in their 30s now has a prison record, as do nearly two-thirds of all black male high school dropouts. These numbers and rates are incomparably greater than anything achieved at the height of the Jim Crow era. What’s odd is how long it has taken the African-American community to address in a forceful and thoughtful way this racially biased and utterly counterproductive situation.

How, after decades of undeniable racial progress, did we end up with this virtual gulag of racial incarceration? Well if you listen to Jesse Jackson or The Rev.Al Sharpton it's all the fault of us racist whiteys!
.
But there is another equally important cause: the simple fact that young black men commit a disproportionate number of crimes, especially violent crimes, which cannot be attributed to judicial bias, racism or economic hardships -- The rate at which blacks commit homicides is seven times that of whites.

Why is this? The continuing reinforcement of bad behavior by black celebrities and leaders and the lack of a significant response from black family groups -sure doesn't help this pathetic situation.
•
In New York City, the tabloids published sensational details of the bias suit brought by a black former executive for the Knicks, Anucha Browne Sanders, who claims that she was frequently called a “bitch” and a “ho” by the Knicks coach and president, Isiah Thomas. In a video deposition, Thomas said that while it is always wrong for a white man to verbally abuse a black woman in such terms, it was “not as much ... I’m sorry to say” for a black man to do so.
•
Across the nation, religious African-Americans were shocked that the evangelical minister Juanita Bynum, an enormously popular source of inspiration for churchgoing black women, said she was brutally beaten in a parking lot by her estranged husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks.
•
O. J. Simpson, the malevolent central player in an iconic moment in the nation’s recent black-white (as well as male-female) relations, reappeared on the scene, charged with attempted burglary, kidnapping and felonious assault in Las Vegas, in what he claimed was merely an attempt to recover stolen memorabilia.

These events (the tip of the iceberg) all point to something that has been swept under the rug for too long in black America: the crisis in relations between men and women of all classes and, as a result, the catastrophic state of black family life, especially among the poor. Isiah Thomas’s outrageous double standard shocked many blacks in New York only because he had the nerve to say out loud what is a fact of life for too many black women who must daily confront indignity and abuse in hip-hop misogyny and everyday conversation.

What is done with words is merely the verbal end of a continuum of abuse that too often ends with beatings and spousal homicide. Black relationships and families fail at high rates because women increasingly refuse to put up with this abuse. The resulting absence of fathers — some 70 percent of black babies are born to single mothers — is undoubtedly a major cause of youth delinquency.

So- it's obvious that black parents can't cope with all this cultural negativity. The answer is to create the crystal clear perception in the black community that going to jail is not just another notch in your life experience - a cool street cred on the way to becoming a bigger deal in the ghetto -- a place to hang out with your brovas and lift weights and eat good on Uncle SAM.

These kids don't miss their loving families or children or miss the tenderness and sharing of a loving romance - prison is an extension of their fucked up violent lives and pathological behavior. (and their is no social stigma in doing time - it's cool).

Prison has got to become their worst nightmare! -- Hard work -- no TV - shit food (but nutritious) -- no gathering and spitting and screaming motherfucker all day long in social settings that are a total re creation of life back home in the hood.

Prison is a criminal's worst nightmare if you are basically a"normal fuck-up" -especially because seventy percent of the people you're locked up with are these street animals to whom it's no big thing - it's cool!

If this sounds harsh and racist I'm sorry - but in another ten years our society will look an armed camp if we don't take tough measures now. And - the congress ain't gonna do the right thing with education and rehabilitation (which i'm in total favor of) -- because most of them ARE racists.

So - i vote for protecting my family with laws that will pass and will work -it's a tribal thing.

Paris Hilton Wants To Hump King Kong To Death

"Paris Hilton is full of baloney!" a close male friend of hers told the bandit Hollywood reporter,Elise Mandelbaum yesterday, at his home in Malibu. -- "The only reason she wants to go to Rwanda is because they have a large population of silver-back mountain Gorillas there; -- and she told me she wants to fuck one of them!"


He was responding to news reports that Hilton had told the press she was going there on a humanitarian mission - as follows:


"The hotel heiress - who vowed to better herself after serving 23 days in jail for driving offences in June - hopes to use her fame to draw attention to the plight of the war-torn African country.
Paris, 26, told E! Online: "I'll be going in November, after I get back from filming my movie. "There's so much need in that area, and I feel like if I go, it will bring more attention to what people can do to help.
"I want to visit more countries where poverty and children's issues are a big concern. "I know there's a lot of good I can do just by getting involved and bringing attention to these issues."


Paris' ex boyfriend continued; "She and i went to see the King Kong movie -- you know, the Peter Jackson extravaganza -and in the scenes where Kong and Naomi Watts are getting lovey dovey Paris went wild!"

"She started to moan and sweat and quiver all over and she grabbed my crotch and practically dragged me into the ladies room. We did it and i had to stuff toilet paper in her mouth because she kept screaming -- "Fuck me Kong! --Fuck me Kong! -and i was sure we would be arrested!"
He went on; "She plays the movie over and over in her private screening room and she has men dress up in Gorilla outfits and --well you get the picture.!" --"Anyway, about a month ago she told me that she was going to make up this humanitarian ("bullshit") angle to look good in the press after all her psycho behavior; and when she got to Rwanda she was going to travel with professional bush guides to the rain forest to find a huge silver-back mountain Gorilla."

"And then what?" asked our reporter. -- to which he replied; "And then what? Well - Paris told me -- she was going to fuck King Kong --to death!"

I certainly hope they get that on tape -- it would get one hundred million hits on You Tube!

More Proof That Rudy Is Dominated By His Bitchy Wife

The bandit has already posted about Rudy's Wife from hell Judith Nathan Giuliani -- excerpts herewith:


"The third Mrs. Giuliani is a former saleswoman for surgical staplers — a profession that involves demonstrations of how well the product works during unnecessary surgery on dogs.The Giuliani campaign has dodged the question of whether Judith Nathan Giuliani ever was involved in this kind of activity, which usually ends badly for the dog in question."



We also recounted in a prior post the article, by Judy Bachrach that accuses Mrs. Giuliani of everything from demanding a separate airplane seat for her handbag to putting her husband in harm’s way by forcing him to retrieve a bag of health bars from the hotel during a security lockdown." -- NY Times Editorial 8-2-07.

So- do we want a man who marries a women who probably belongs in a mental institution -- to be walking around with a suitcase with nuclear attack codes in it?

Oh and here's a report from the NRA convention Rudy Giuliani was attending this week (following in John Kerry's ill-fated attemps to come across as a good old boy)

"To the amazement of the audience, he interrupted his speech to have a lovey-dovey chat with Judi, who was about to get on a plane back from London.
After telling her that he was talking to the N.R.A. — a big speech that you would imagine she would know about, and not want to interrupt — he asked if she wanted to give a shout out to the gun-lovers and then paused while she spoke to him."

"After saying “I love you” twice and signing off with another “dear,” he joked to the audience that he would have been in trouble if he hadn’t taken the call, noting that “this is one of the great blessings of the modern age, being always available."

Oh my God - are you puking yet - what a pussy asshole -- can't you just see it! -- President Giuliani is in a Homeland security meeting and that cunt calls him and he say's "I'm so sorry but i have to take that call - I'll get back to you about going to an Orange alert --she's overtired from all her shopping and boy am i in for it if i don't kiss her ass right away!"

Hey - no joke - this guy is a weak dangerous phony!

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world! : - You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.



You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the "Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"



'We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable."



You will state the message as follows: "Hello it's me! Mohammad!Speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah ." -- "Effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ." --"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers ." -- "Enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran!"



Furthermore the message will conclude with; "Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- "What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"



You will remind this esteemed creative team that;"These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"



"When the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over! --and you will all receive The medal Of Freedom"


And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project" -- "And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"


Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!

Pope Benedick Grabbed Condoleeza Rice's Ass In Vatican

"Pope Benedict XVI refused a recent request by US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice to discuss the Middle East and Iraq, Vatican sources say."



While everyone in the media is analyzing the reason for the Pope's snub of our Secretary of State ( The Iraq war -protection of Christians in Iraq - He's on vacation -yadadadadad) -- The bandit's Vatican reporter has the real scoop!



Esther Mandelbaum spoke to a close personal assistant to the Pope who told her off the record; "The Popa hasa always hadda the hotsa for Condi!"



He went on; "I hearda him tella Cardinal Luigi Pastavazool that he thoughta she had great legs and a tighta ass and nica tits."



The assistant went on to tell Ms. Mandelbaum that when the Pope was alone with Condi he grabbed her butt and Condi gave him a smack and called him a crazy wop !



And later that day he heard the Pope exclaim; "That black cunt will never set foot in the Vatican again!"



So there you have it --and why should anyone be upset about a little grab ass by the Pope -- when about half his priests are fucking little choir boys?



There's an old saying --the fish rots from the head down.

Fox Announces "Smarter Than A Cock?" With Host Britney Spears

Fox TV -- which continues to knock reality show hits out of the park with shows like "Hell's Kitchen" and "Smarter Than A Fifth Grader" -- is kicking it up a notch!

Irwin Bloomis head of Fox development said "Smarter Than A Cock" will pit a male Rooster against an inner city black high school student -- as they compete to "peck out"the answers to a series of word and math puzzles."

"Roosters are quite clever and in test runs their pecking solutions beat the black kids written and oral answers most of the time ," said Bloomis.

The digibandit Hollywood reporter asked; "Are you telling us that a Cock beat a black high school student in a math and english competition?"To which Bloomis responded ;

"Absolutely --yes! -- and that's not to demean the black kids."

Cocks are smart and as a matter of fact -- we are considering a reality special called "Can A Cock Beat A Chink Fifth Grader?"

Oh - and the choice of Britney as host? -"Who can handle cocks better than her" - said Mr. Bloomis.

"Star Shit" Is The New California Gold Rush

Hollywood Septic Tank Cleaner Scores Big With Star Shit
Wiilliam Bigturd, an American Indian septic tank cleaner in Hollywood announced at a press conference held by creative Artists Agency today at the Polo Lounge in Beverly Hills: "Yep -- it's true! - iv'e been cleaning out the septic tanks of the Stars for many moons and i have saved and catalogued their "Star Shit" with it's DNA -- along with the shit my ancestors have saved -- we have been in the septic business since the early days of Hollywood "

He continues;"My Grandfather,Johnny Bigdump, always kept a bowl of Tonto's shit in the living room. (Lone Ranger's sidekick for younger readers)"Moishe Pipick,head of liscencing for CAA said; "If Dame Judy Dench can get 2million for her pussy hair -- how much will people pay for an original John Wayne dump or a freshly minted Brad and Angela,or for a beauty from say Curt Cobain?"

The Hollywood Reporter blared "There's Gold In Them Thar Hills"- Star Shit gold in the Hollywood Hills that is and it reported that septic tank wars have erupted in Memphis as a Shit Gold Rush has created a frenzy to obtain the Holy Grail of turds -- a blast from the King (Elvis) himself.

CAA said "Christy's elite auction house will be the exclusive seller of the Star Shit ." and Mit Grimey, head auctioneer at Christy's said today ; "An authenticated Star Shit could sell for more than a Picasso -- the ultimate statement about American culture!"And the Bandit has it on good authority that entrepreneurial gynecologists in LA may have been stockpiling "Star Sperm" --what is next? (Star Colon polops?) -- stay tuned! (copyright lawyers should have a field day as well as firms who will be rushing to install secure shit facilities).

Get Involved or Keep Getting Fucked Like The Sheep You Are!

Here's how easy it is -- Google up "Find My Legislators" -let them know what they have to do to get your vote - pick an issue (mine is anti terrorism related as reflected in my email to my Congressman -Henry Waxman - see below) - Maybe yours is "We want peyote legalized in Cali" or "Legalized marriage with Pets" or "Let's Buy Mexico" -- but if you don't get involved and vote and stay on top of these assholes -you fucking deserve to become extinct.

To Congressman Henry Waxman(30th congressional California) and Senators Boxer and Feinstein:

The article about terrorist training camps ,in the wake of the thwarted German attacks, in yesterdays NY Times should be the final wake -up call for you people to make their elimination your number one priority. What in the hell are we doing -- asking for it! They are operating with relative impunity -- i'm no fanatic -as a matter of fact i share and admire your political philosophy. But --Sir - this has to be a day in and day out effort -- radical measures must be taken (hold a press conference and make yourself heard) Blow Waziristan off the damn map if you have to -- it's just a matter of time and it's an existential threat - and we know they are there! This is what wer'e talking about out here -we don't get the lack of urgency about these training camps.

Thanks
A concerned citizen and voting constituent