Here's A Commercial That Will Launch Hillary To Victory

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment."

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues.

" But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!

"I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water

Ok -let's get real here! - You are a member of a race that has been systematically repressed since arriving in America in chains some four-hundred years ago -beaten and bullied and hung by rednecks and denied the vote and descent housing and jobs and .................

Your people claw their way out of the shithole that Whitey fought to keep them buried in and voila - along comes a black leader that inspires not only blacks but MAYBE enough of everybody to become the next President!

And you are not gonna vote for this dude if you are black? - C'mon -if women had it so rough out there - they would ALL be lining up to vote for Hillary like they were waiting to get it up the butt from Mathew McConaghy.

Women have it made in the shade thanks to us and they are still fucking miserable - Blacks know they are still getting shafted by the Rednecks and WASPS

Like i said -"Blood is Thicker Than Pussy Water"

And - There WIll Be Blood!

Human's Have A Genetic "Asshole Early Warning System"

Mitt Romney reminded me of how genetically sensitive most of us are in detecting "An Asshole".

Darwin probably would have said it was a critical part of the natural selection process and connected to our most basic human reproduction drives. I mean -you don't want to reproduce (fuck) with an asshole because your children will most likely become assholes (just look around)

If Darwin DIDN"T think of this - then i probably deserve a Nobel Prize!

Anyway -back to Mitt Romney. I mean everyone basically knew he was an "Asshole" instantly!- The alarm bells where just ringing off the hook. His looks didn't matter - his ideas and resume meant nothing - every time we saw him -- rrrrrrrrrrring a ling a ling - Asshole Warning!

It's a darn shame that political consultants do not seem to have this genetic propensity for "Early Warning Asshole Detection" - It is probably the result of a genetic malfunction which has infected some gene pools and as a result, created a group of people who have survived through natural selection - by catering to and serving assholes who would otherwise have been spotted early on - and eliminated instantly from any political competition.

Like - Al Gore and John Kerry who would have been eliminated immediately - it's like a Bird of Paradise trying to get laid without any feathers. (Darwin again)

What's really sad is that folks -like Mitt - who have this genetic malfunction have absolutely zero knowledge of their "Assholeness" and they,of course. have "All Asshole " mates and families. A perfect example of this is John Kerry's wife Teresa -- who in my opinion cost him the election - because while folks will weigh one asshole against another asshole (Kerry vs Bush) - an asshole of a wife is instant death.(oh -- and let's not forget Rudy's old lady)

Now - folks who believe the Bible is the word of a personal deity - cannot be factored into this analysis because they have lost their 'Early Warning Asshole System" by the age of five due to the brain washing they have experienced to replace some (if not all) of their ability to reason objectively -which is essential to recruit them into the armies of 'The Blind and The Faithful"

These folks will henceforth be primarily driven and connected to certain primitive symbols and sayings - and folks who illuminate and espouse them. This is one reason why you very seldom see a religious person married to a real piece of ass!

Anyway back to Mitt Romney. I think the really scary thing is knowing if YOU are an ASSHOLE! I mean here Mitt is shaving and looking in the mirror and he sees a guy worth four hundred million dollars who looks like Apollo and has a really big brain and power and prestige..... -- I mean how does he find out? (and would it even help?)

I guess the answer is - he should go down to the local bar in a working class neighborhood and hang out and have some shots and some buds and just kinda mix it up with the locals and then leave - and just listen to what the "guys" say when he leaves:

And - ringaling aling aling aling! - "Wow -that guy is a fucking ASSHOLE!"

It's Too bad - he could have saved himself about ninety million dollars.(and probably from bringing two or three more Mormon Assholes into the world.)

More on this later -I'm headin for Clancy's Tavern over on La Brea for an Asshole Analysis.

How The Church Ruined Valentine's Day

On this day of amative imaginings i thought you might be interested in the Pagan provenance of Valentine's day --Lupercalia

"The Lupercalia festival was in honor of the She-Wolf who suckled the infant orphans, Romulus and Remus, the founders of Rome. Explaining the name of the festival, Lupercalia, which translates out into "Wolf Festival." The festival was celebrated near the cave of Lupercal on the Palatine (where Rome was founded, see Livy, Book I), to expiate and purify new life in the Spring.

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The festival began with the sacrifice by the Luperci (or the flamen dialis) of two male goats and a dog. Next two patrician young Luperci were led to the altar, to be anointed on their foreheads with the sacrificial blood, which was wiped off the bloody knife with wool soaked in milk, after which they were expected to smile and laugh; the smearing of the forehead with blood probably refers to human sacrifice originally practised at the festival.

The sacrificial feast followed, after which the Luperci cut thongs from the skins of the victims, which were called Februa, dressed themselves in the skins of the sacrificed goats -- and then everyone ran around fucking and sucking and drinking and dancing until they dropped!

This looked like too much fun to the Ancient Queer Priests so they turned it into a sappy, lovey dovey religious farce - BUT!

Little did they know that healthy modern folks of all ages would return to their Lupercalic roots - only with different outfits and bling.

This is a sure sign that the rule of the Queer Priests is waning - but we gotta bring back the goats and she wolves!

Happy Lupercalia everyone!

Obama Clarifies His Positions - Shows Depth Of Thinking

Using his best Martin Luther King meets Elvis (he loves Kings) persona - as he roles forth on a "Magical Mystery Tour" that would have bedazzled even John Lennon - Obama - finally- REALLY got specific about his programs:

On Iraq - oh yeah -yeah! - hey - whoa 0 yeah! - it's time!

On the Economy - whoa yeah! - Oh yeah -yeah1 - come on -yeah!

On Health Care - Now yeah! - Now is yeah! -let's yeah oh yeah!

On Immigration - security is yeah! -oh yeh oh boy -yeah!

On the Environment - Now yeah -now -yeah now -oh boy -yes - yeah!

On Change - Change yeah! -Change and yeah -Oh yeah! -lotsa Change!

Wow - this guy is not just another skinny politician with big ears! -And look at his following -oh yeah! - Rich progressive (supply side) boomers who loved the Bush tax cuts - Oh yeah! Young people who think he's the black version of Jerry Garcia -Oh yeah! - And young and old black folks who think enough white folks will vote for him in the general election -Oh yeah?

The Republicans are laughing their asses off --Oh Yeah! -Their codeword for "Get Obama nominated at All Costs" is "Hillary Clinton will unify the Republican base" -Oh yeah!

Oh yeah!

Pope Benedick Is A Soul Pimp For God - Needs Jewish Souls Bad

The Vatican - with it's latest version of Darth Vader -Pope Benedick - just can't understand why their pimps have been unable to get any of their soul whores any tricks with the Jews.

Before the Second Vatican Council, also known as Vatican II, the Good Friday Mass in Latin prayed for the conversion of Jews, referring to their “blindness” and calling upon God to “lift a veil from their hearts.
”An unofficial translation of the NEW prayer reads: “Let us pray for the Jews. May the Lord Our God enlighten their hearts so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.

The prayer calls for God to enlighten the hearts of Jews “so that they may acknowledge Jesus Christ, the savior of all men.”


Okay -where do i sign up? -Hey - wait a minute - what about the Moslems and the Hindus and the Buddhists and the Taoists and the .............


I mean is heaven like a segregated place with different groups all running around waiting to see the Big Guy - or is everybody besides Catholics in hell?


Hmm? -That doesn't sound very Christian -Jesus like or Democratic.


Personally, i think the Pope and his whole queer Vatican are full of shit and always have been!

You see any Jews running around LAX or Zimbabwe with the Mormons pimping and collecting souls for Yahweh? "Hi -my name is Rebbe Moishe Pipick and have you ever thought of being one of the chosen People?"

It's a fucking shame that the Catholic/Christian Soul Pimps have run out of indigenous peoples to degrade,sodomize - dehumanize -savage and drive into extinction.

God's gonna be really pissed if they miss their soul quota - maybe they could try their luck in the mountanous tribal regions of Pakistan?

Fox Television Announces "America's Funniest Felon"

Once again the rulers of reality have found a way to produce a winning reality show that also benefits society!

It's not a piece of cake adjusting to society after you've done hard time -- but, if a felon is willing to "Stand Up" and turn his conviction into comedy for a nationwide TV audience -- they might just become "America's Funniest Felon"

A portion of all future entertainment earnings by the felons will be given to their victims --- And :

"There will be categories for all types of felony offenses EXCEPT child abuse, and the comedy routines will be based on their particular criminal specialties" -said Mike Darnit Fox TV reality president.

Darnit continued,"I just didn't think that there could possibly be anything funny about that one particular type of behavior - and i had to overrule my production people - which i very seldom do."

Mark Burnett, whose production company will produce the show said;"We are working with the Federal Bureau of Prisons to help us identify potentially funny felons while they are serving their sentences and will send professional comics out to organize stand-up trials in the prison's exercise yards. -- We are calling this -- 'Stand Up With Conviction' -- and it will become a series of specials leading up to the series debut."

Burnett concluded,"We are currently auditioning celebrity's with felony convictions to host the series - and there certainly is no shortage of qualified applicants."

Stay tuned! -Host recommendations?

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter

Rush Limbaugh May Lose Tongue After Sex With Anne Coulter
"It was horrible!" -- Rush Limbaugh screamed,as tears streamed down his fat face -- "I was blasted on Oxycotin and she was screaming "Tie me up and eat me! eat me! eat me!" -- "When i came to --she was tied up -- with yards of dental floss and spread eagled on the bed -- she was passed out and the room smelled like a Mosque."

Rush Limbaugh recounted the events leading up to the terrible venereal infection of his oral cavity by Anne Coulter -- the right wing witch who gave Bill O'Reilly the clap (reported previously in a bandit exclusive ).

Moishe Pipick - head of eye ear nose and throat surgery at Lennox Hill hospital in NYC stated: "Rush came to me after experiencing burning pain from his tongue and a viscious odor emanating from his oral cavity. His tongue was so swollen that he could hardly talk" -- " Thurr dlrty clun hasth possnd plussy" ----"was all he could try and say and i gave him a pen and paper and he wrote -- "Help me please -- i went down on that toxic waste dump Anne Coulter and now i'm ruined."

Dr. Pipick went on "I'm afraid that Mr. Limbaugh's career as a viscious demi-god may be over -- our surgical team here feels there is a good chance he will lose his tongue -- part of his face jowls and at least one lip."

Mel Kornbloom ,Surgeon General of the United States, and Abe Ginsberg head of the office of National Disease control said at a White House news conference: 'We strongly recommend that Ms. Coulter be placed under emergency quarantine along with the entire right wing of the Republican Party." --"If this virulent strain of rotton pussy virus get's out of control it will make the Bird Flu look like the common cold"

David Gregory of CBS news asked them; " Would you recommend killing all exposed Republicans if it starts to spread -- like those chickens in China " -- The Doctors responded -- " would you rather see a repeat of the Plague which killed one third of the population of Europe in the thirteenth Century?"

Pat Robertson said today; "The lord acts in mysterious ways -- he has sent Anne Coulter to defile and destroy the Conservative Wing of the Republican Party for straying from the path of righteousness' --he went on; "This is of Biblical proportions -- like when God sent the plagues over the Egyptians when they refused to let the Hebrews out of bondage."Robertson said; "He has sent a messenger from Hell in the form of this Anne Coulter to spread her " RottonPussyDeath Virus" over the sinful -- the Lord has graduated from toads and rivers of blood -- to a more modern sex based plague --Hallelujah!"

Rush announced through a sign language interpreter --from his pre op room at Lenox Hill Hospital; "I should have stuck with Cotton!" (Cotton is his prize sheep -named after Oxycotin, his drug of choice.The Bandit exclusively reported in a prior post that Limbaugh was caught shtupping Cotton on his farm in Maryland.)

Coulter reportedly screamed from her quarantine; "I only wish i could have infected Hillary!"

Mike Huckabee Would Become Fattest American President

William Howard Taft, at 6 feet and weighing over 350 pounds (159 kg),was the heaviest US President. -He was given the nickname "Big Lub" because of his size -Taft's weight caused him to become stuck in the bathtub in the White House on several occasions, prompting the installation of a new bathtub capable of holding all of the men who installed it, something the White House denied until the bathtub was torn out years later.

Mike Huckabee has lost well over one-hundred pounds and he's not exactly a Slim Jim! -With the pressures of the Oval Office weighing him DOWN - he would almost certainly balloon back UP into the "Big Lug" category and most surely break the record for Presidential obesity. (and the bed and bathtub as well).

So- do we need a President who will bring the full array of emotional dysfunction correlated with"Obesity"into the leadership of the free world? - A President who woud be known to world leaders as the "Porky Preacher" and to congress as the "Baptist Balloon"?

A Commanderin Chief who would need his uniform tailored by "Omar the tent Maker"? -and who would be called "General Goodyear" by the Joint Chiefs of Staff"?

I ask you?

Priests Should Be Castrated After taking Final Vows

They won't need their nuts anymore anyway - and a lot of children will be saved from getting ravaged by the hordes of queer priests at "Club Vatican"

And since the Church refuses to ordain women or let men have normal sex lives - the Church is a haven for fruit cakes who have a "religious watering hole" to stalk their prey.

And as wenow know, this has been a fertile hunting ground with tens of thousands of victims - lots of kids who will never get over the trauma of being sexually assaulted (and by a trusted emissarry of the Lord no less).

And if you think it's not business as usual in the "God want's me to put my staff in your mouth" business - then you must be delusional!

You think these sick fucking priests suddenly stopped getting hard ons when they see a handsome young alter boy? - That's like asking your normal sixteen year old son not to get a hard on if Jessica Simpson walks into his bedroom naked.

So - i say - "Off with their nuts" - that ought to put a crimp (oops) in the recruitment of queers into "Club Vatican." And believe you me - it won't be long before the Church will be offering bonus' to anyone who will sign up - because they are about five-hundred years behind the times culturally- as usual.

Oh -and not to worry --God will keep your nuts safe until you get to Heaven.

Mitt Romney Overheard Telling All About His Sex Life

Mitt Romney, who has maintained in the face of wide concern about his Mormon faith, that Mormon ideology would play no part in his policies as president -- was overheard spilling the beans to a close aide!



The bandit informant stated; "I heard Mitt say that the concept of fidelity is ridiculous and that no red blooded male should or could be expected to only have sex with one woman for the rest of his life!"



He said that Mitt went on a tirade as follows:"A fat ugly Christian conservative ,which is eighty percent of them, has no shot at getting hot pussy --so it's easy for them to preach about fidelity. Wer'e talking here about guys who think grunting into a fat cow and blowing their load instantly - once a month - is what a sex life is all about."



"Now you take attractive and rich and powerful and clever and fun guys like me -- where every day there's some piece of ass throwing herself at me! These yo yo's who have no shot at hot pussy -- which they can only dream about and watch on their porno collections. - They have zero pussy options and they should not be judging those who do!"



"Now i want a family AND a political career -- so i have to have a wife and put up a front for those corny values addicted morons out there. But let's be real about it -- if a cool dude wants to have a big family does he want to have one tiresome and worn out and overburdened future hag of a wife? --- Or, does he want to have a dozen or so hot wives that maintain their pussy heat over the long haul?"



"It's just too durned bad that we can't be open and honest about these issues because i know i can do a hell of a lot of good as president. and i hate lying about my pussy philosophy -- but if i get into that oval office cool dudes and hot pussy will have a friendly Mormon president in the white house."



He's definitely got my interest piqued -- But McCaine has got some major hotty for an old lady! (I'll bet he's screwed way more hotties than that jerk Romney.)

Obama Gets Secific At Long Last!

On the economy - Oh yeah! - We gotta do better for everyone - oh yeah - we gotta have hope for all.

On health care - Oh Yeah! - yeah! - folks gotta hope and pray - oh yeah we gotta join together - yeah!

On Iraq - Oh yeah! - Wow - we gotta look at it all - with hope - for all - for everyone - together - Oh Yeah!

On the environment - Oh boy oh yeah! - Whew - yeah we gotta oh yeah!

On immigration - Wooo --Oh yeah ! - Wer'e all in it -- hope - we gotta move - Oh yeah!

On entitlements - yeah -Oh Oh Yeah! - It's time together - change and hope - Oh yeah!

On national security - oh my - oh yeah -we all gotta pray and hope and dream - together -- oh yeah!

Now i feel better - Oh Yeah!

Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings

As her news ratings continue their protracted swan dive --Katie's desperation has reached a dangerous peak!Her mentor Les Moonsbeam president of CBS and his news gurus have tried every ugly programming trick; including, as reported by the Bandit in previous bulletins ie:

Showing her nipple -- having her voice dubbed over -- anchoring without underwear -- becoming the worlds first actual news dummy with a sexy voice over -- and even having a replica of Walter Cronkite's head fitted over her own.
\
Nothing has worked to stop her ratings decline, but now she has agreed to go along with CBS news management and go for broke.The bandits' network news reporter Esther Ginsberg has found out; "katie and her news team and a special security attachment will enter Baghdad and travel to An-bar province, where Katie's mission will be to personally shoot and kill a Muslim extremist -And capture the killing - and her reaction on tape - for a CBS prime time special news hour report titled "Katie Couric kills for you!"

"Reached by phone today Katie said; "Look Esther -I have tried everything my sick bosses have asked of me -- so if i have to kill a lousy Muslim to prove to the audience that I'm not just another talk show pussy with great legs - why hell --I'll kill as many of those sick fucks as they want."

Katie concluded; - "killing a Jihadist can't be half as bad as going down on Les ."

Qui Est Jerome Kerviel? - Just Another French Asshole

Who Is Jerome Kerviel?

That's probably what the Fed chairman said Thursday morning when he woke up and saw the headlines. As it turns out, Jerome Kerviel is a 31 year old Frenchman who enjoys judo and sailing. He worked as a trader at Societe Generale, and somehow managed to lose almost €5 billion in a series of complex, concealed deals on European stock derivatives. Kerviel's colleagues described him as a "computer genius" who was allegedly able to hack into the bank's computers to hide his reckless trading.

The Fed didn't know about Kerviel's shenanigans when they cut interest rates by 0.75% on Monday, and it now looks like the Fed's biggest emergency rate cut ever may have been sparked by a lie. Events unfolded like this: Kerviel screwed up on Friday last week, when he failed to disable the bank's automatic alert system, and his irregular trading suddenly showed up. Societe Generale's bosses grilled him on Saturday night, and the bank's management decided to unwind all the out-of-money trades on Monday.

The unwinding of such a massive position put immense pressure on the futures market, and it started looking like a manic Monday. Other traders saw the plunge in futures amid massive and mysterious selling, and even though the U.S. markets were closed for Martin Luther King Day, they start selling everything else.

With U.S. traders away from their desks, the sell orders in an illiquid market caused a bigger than expected shock to prices. There is no doubt that the unwinding of Kerviel's positions contributed in a big way to Monday's dramatic slump in world stock markets. Things got progressively worse in the hours leading up to Tuesday's U.S. market opening, and Bernanke played his ace card, cutting interest rates by 0.75% in an attempt to prevent a stock market meltdown.

Some commentators may nominate Jerome Kerviel as the poster boy for everything that is wrong with the Federal Reserve's policies. The Fed has demonstrated by now that they prefer to treat the symptom, and not the cause. Monday's carnage on stock markets was the symptom, and Societe Generale's weak internal control was one of the causes. Cutting interest rates by 0.75% isn't going to stop Jerome Kerviel v2.0 from trying to cheat the system.

Of course, the Fed has little control over the internal controls at banks, but the above example illustrates the futility of treating the symptom instead of the cause. Let's take the cause/symptom analogy a step further. What if the current crisis is merely a symptom of a deeper cause? To quote the legendary investor George Soros: "The current crisis is not only the bust that follows the housing boom [symptom], it's basically the end of a 60-year period of continuing credit expansion based on the dollar as the reserve currency [underlying cause]. Now the rest of the world is increasingly unwilling to accumulate dollars."

If, as Soros argues, the underlying cause of the problem is the end of the dollar's hegemony, then the Fed is doing more damage by treating the symptom, i.e. cutting interest rates to support the stock market. By using aggressive interest rate cuts to shore up stock markets, the Fed devalues the yield advantage of the greenback. Why should other nations hold the dollar as a reserve currency if the Fed shows no restraint in damaging its value? Why should other nations hold the dollar when the Fed is reactive instead of proactive? Not to mention the wave of inflation that will come on the back of the recent rate cuts.

What if every modern day financial crisis is a symptom of a deeper cause? Once again, to quote George Soros: "This is the end of credit expansion [the symptom] based on the mistaken belief of market fundamentalism [the cause], that you should let markets have total freedom." If you give the market total freedom, you create myriad opportunities for Jerome Kerviel v2.0. I assure you that he is not the only "computer genius" conducting fictitious futures trades to lift bonuses or cover up embarrassment. How much of the world's derivatives market is fiction?

I'm putting all my money in Uteroil!

PS -i lifted this article from the net - i may be a vulgar Jew News Shock Jock -but I'm not into content theft (like Obama and Mitt).

Democrats Start Their Suicide Spawning Run With Obama The Lead Salmon

The only difference between the Salmon who swim upstream to lay their eggs and then die and the Democratic party - is that the Democrats don't provide any food for bears or fisherman along the death run.



Obama will get the nomination! The liberal dems led by Teddy Kennedy and his support of Obama, all gaga about getting our rejuvenated youth back into the political process and woopeedoo -the "people" are ready for a cosmic cultural shift! - And yahoody a black man in the Oval!



Reality check time - the democratic right center will collapse like a DAR waspy bluenose watching "Guess Who is Coming To Dinner" (oh- and comparing Obama to JFK is like comparing Jesse Jackson to Tom Paine)

And the youth will come out to vote when the government bans Myspace and Facebook and "Grand Theft Auto".


The GOP is laughing their asses off! -"Holy shit - they had us beat - and they nominate a skinny black kid - with the economy and the world turning into a bigger shit pile every day!" --"hahahahahahhhahahahah!"

So - get ready for at least four years with "MittMan" - the human Chameleon. By the time he's through, the American working class will resemble the pre French Revolution peasantry.

"Off with their heads" in 2012!" - nah - the Salmons will nominate some exuberant Hispanic.

Spawning time!

Fox TV'S Moment of Truth" Greatest TV Show In History

Following is an excerpt from a NY Times review of "Moment of truth" - in case you missed it.

"In the annals of reality television, “The Moment of Truth” may be a milestone. Fox has come up with a cash-prize competition that is neither a game of chance nor a test of knowledge. It’s a pseudo-psychological trial by ordeal in which the contestants trade candor for dollars.

The set is similar to those used on “The Weakest Link” and “Deal or No Deal,” but the object of this game is to prod seemingly nice people to admit bad behavior. As family members and friends look on, the contestant is asked a series of embarrassing personal questions by the host. Truthful answers, as determined by a polygraph, are rewarded by cash, from $10,000 for the first, relatively banal queries to $500,000 for the marriage-busting kind."

My one and only wish - if a God appeared and offered me one - would be to be able to pick the contestants and ask the questions on this brilliant and culture shifting show. (i was born for this)

Imagine? - folks can get rich by simply telling the truth - so - for the first time in recorded history - you get some straight talk about the kind of human feelings that have laid dormant and unspoken since human beings got into primitive language around a million years ago. And back then it was anatomically difficult to grunt to some chick -"Hey -you have a smelly pussy." (even if you wanted to be honest)

The cultural fallout from this program is going to upheave modern civilization -and i predict -for openers -that folks who "come out" on this show will suffer from PTSMOTS or post traumatic stress "Moment of Truth" syndrome.

I mean - you cannot admit in front of ten million viewers; "Yes - everytime i have fucked my husband for the last twenty years i have been thinking of "Buck" Wilson who cornholed me in the back of his Chevy after the senior prom," - I mean - you just don't come home with your pile of dough and expect the hubbie and the kids to say; "Wow Mom -way to Go - you were great let's go shopping!"

Or attend Sundat services with Pastor Herman (who gags as you go to kiss him on the cheek) and your local congregation after.... "Yes - i did give Jose the landscaper a blow job while Bill was visiting his sick sister up in Boise" -and expect them to want any of your famous apple pie.

Or, say, to expect your parents to ever leave the house again after you admit to fantacizing about tying up and gagging Grandpa in his wheelchair - in the attic - and humping your brother in front of him.

Or do you? - It's gonna be interesting - think of the possibilities?- the ramifications?

Well -stay tuned - I've got plenty of questions (and would certainly welcome yours)

Hey - imagine getting the candidates on this show? - I'm calling Fox!

Fred Thompson "Lazy Like A Lox" - a Gift From God for Democrats

Well, back on it's September 10th cover Newsweek proclaimed; "Fred Thompson -Lazy Like a Fox."

Yep - back then the Republican's, and most of the media were all a flutter about the prospects of "Law and Order" Freddie mustering up his great and quiet strength and DA dignity, and getting read to accept the GOP mantle of Ronald Reagan "Messiah."

So sorry - there won't be any grand old partying because Freddy has turned into -"Lazy Like A LOX" - or even better -politically, he's - "Dead As a Lox!"

What the hell happened? - I mean the guy is a TV hero who moves around like John Wayne and his competition is a guy who looks like body parts will start falling off him at any time - another guy who makes Al Gore look like Homer Simpson - another whose only hope is that Bin laden returns for the Empire State building - and a fucking fanatical hillbilly.

Maybe he was too dynamic and cerebral for Reagan lovers?

Hey - Fred Thompson would have blown Hillary or Barak (or both) off the map- so we really got a lucky break here - ( Karl Rove must be chewing on his socks!)

If the Dems blow this one I'm moving to Venezuela.

Candidates Shocked By New Poll Results

Well here's some national polling data that is astonishing and revelatory of the acute political savvy of the American electorate:

52% of all men would not vote for Hillary Clinton because of her 'Manatee" like thigh's and fat ankles.They feel that a fat Secretary of State, like Madeline Albright is ok - but they want a woman president with "Hot Wheels"

80% of all blacks think that Mitt Romney is wearing a costume (like a corporate super hero) - ie. "Mittman" - They actually believe that there is a Jew that looks like Ken Lay underneath the costume.

75% of all voters think there is a strong possibility that Rudy Giuliani may be a sex slave to his dominatrix wife Judith - and that she is an arch cunt.

62% of all voters believe that John McCaine is the finest overall candidate but they worry about the possibility of body parts falling off him - or his suddenly becoming a pile of dust.

72% of all male voters think that John Edwards might be only twelve years old - 63% of woman say fifteen.

89% of all men confuse Fred Thompson with that actor in "Walking Tall" and think that he should carry an axe handle. 87% of all women think he falls asleep during foreplay.

76% of all voters think that Ron Paul just woke up from a forty year nap under an apple tree.

48% of all black women think that Barack Obama would look exactly like Sidney Poitier if he gained eighty pounds, and 74% of white women would like to hold onto his huge "chimpy" ears while he boffed them.

90% of all voters think that Dennis Kucinitch is an alien muntchkin from the planet Poland.

78% of all non religious fanaticks think that Mike Huckleberry bites the heads off of rattlesnakes and lights his farts for fun.

Well - as i always say "Never underestimate the intelligence of the average American voter - they just have a sixth sense about these things."

Major Breakthrough In Fossil Fuel Replacement -- Uteroil

The International Energy Association announced today that working with a team of physicists from Cal Tech and MIT -- they have discovered how to produce a highly carbon friendly and super powerful replacement for fossil fuels.

"Our dependence on foreign oil will be eliminated - the answer to the "greenhouse problem" has been discovered, and the absolute dominance of the world wide energy market by the United States is now imminent" - said Moishe Pipick, lead scientist on "Project Uteroil."

He explained,"For ten years now we have been experimenting with discarded fetus' and placental afterbirth matter from over thirty million abortions in the USA."

"We now have conclusive scientific evidence that if the abortion rate continues - the stem cellular energy from this powerful fetal matter will be sufficient to replace our entire fossil fuel based energy grid -and will provide enough "Uteroil" to maintain a pump price of under two dollars a gallon for the foreseeable future,"said Dr. Pipick.

He went on; "And this totally clean source of powerful energy is abundant all over the globe - we can import aborted fetus' from around the world, and applying our technology, we can dominate and control the world-wide energy market!"

President Bush said today; "The Arabs and Russia and Africans better figure out some new way to pay for screwing their people and paying for weapons -heh heh"

When asked about the moral implications of using aborted fetus' for energy, he replied " Heck - abortions are legal -and if we really care about the rights of the unborn - we oughta give em a green earth to grow up in."

"But, said the President - i don't wanta see folks creatin a new market by creatin and sellin dead babies for "Uteroil" - Uh Uh! - But them Muslims could probably make a little extra cash and cut way down on their production of future suicide bombers by sending us lots of aborted Mulims to turn into clean energy."

As KingFaisal of Saudi Arabia said twenty years ago : "Don't be greedy my Arab brothers - the stone age didn't end because they ran out of stones."

Too late!

Is That You Obama? (say's Mrs. Romney)

So Mitt Romney takes a pee break during one of the debates and as he's standing in front of the urinal next to Obama he glances over and out of the corner of his eye he spots the largest dick he has ever seen - i mean it's like a black Anaconda.

"Wow Obama", say's Mitt - "I don't mean to pry but damn you are so well endowed - God, my wife would go crazy if i had a cock that huge!"

"Well Mitt" says Obama - "You can have a giant cock like me - Just do what i do. - Bang your dick against the dresser every night before you get into bed, and in about six months you won't believe how huge it will get."

So that night after a long day of bullshitting the voters , Mitt takes off his clothes - looks around -and Bam! Bam! -he wacks his tiny Mormon dick against his Chippendale dresser."

And - in the dark - from underneath the twenty thousand dollar quilt, made for Marie Antoinette, - his wife excitedly exclaims: "Is that you Obama?"

That's life!