A Simple Lie Detector Test For All Priests - OK Pope Benedick?

It's so simple -EVERY priest (including the Pope) and every applicant for the Clergy gets wired up and asked these questions:



Are you a homo?



Do you get excited thinking about a young man's asshole?



Have you ever tongue kissed a male?



Do you think Paris Hilton licking your balls is exciting?



If leonardo De Caprio grabbed your cock would you be thrilled?



If Cameron Diaz crawled into your bed and put her thumb in your prostate would it be exciting?



Would you suck the Pope's dick if he asked you?



Do you think God is a homo?



Simple as pie - if you pass this test we know our kids ain't gonna get the high hard one from a Homo Priest.



Your Welcome

Fallout In Redneck America -- From Obama Statements

"Now hold the rifle tight against your shoulder and slowly squeeze the trigger." says Mervin (hamhock) Schwimmer of Aliquippa Pennsylvania to his six year old son Christian."

"But Poppa, why would we want to kill a beautiful animal?"

"Because it's our natural instinct to kill - we need to kill -guns are powerful - and we can get close as father and son - just like me and grandpa"

"Bu But -i don't want to kill a beautiful animal - couldn't you just read me a book or walk and camp out in the beaufiful forest?" Christian added; "And we all hate Grandpa cause he's always drunk and mean to everyone."

"Now you listen -you little faggot - you WILL learn how to shoot and kill!
What you gonna do if a Jew or Nigger comes aroun? Or a wetback comes aroun lookin for work? --You gonna read him a fucking poem."

"But Poppa", says Christian with tears in his eyes - "I don't know why you want to kill animals and why you hate folks you ain't never met -is it because you are bitter about your job and healthcare and all that economy stuff - like that Obama feller talked about?"

BAM! - "OW Poppa!" -- "Take that you nigger lovin little faggot -I know your Momma put them ideas in your fruit head -and when we get back home you both gonna get the lickin of your lives - and then we all gonna go to Church and pray for your souls."

"And - see that rabbit over there munchin on a leaf/ - start bangin away - and you better not miss on purpose or you'll spend the weekend with Grandpa"

BAM BAM BAM BAM

What Obama Should Have Said

Instead of this:

“It’s not surprising then they get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren’t like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or antitrade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations.”

What he should have said was:

"These ignorant fucking white trash rednecks are too busy cleaning their guns and beating up on their wives and kids and gettiing drunk with their good Christian nigger/spic/jew hating buddies - to care about tolerance and kindness and meaningful hopeand change - progress or brotherhood."

"Furthermore - I don't expect or want your ignorant white trash vote -and if I'm elected President - you can all suck my big black dick in Macy's window!"

"Any questions?

Welcome Pope Benedick -You Masturbating Hypocrite

In honor of the Pope's visit to America - here's a repeat of a past bandidt exclusive which received wide international acclaim (we were hoping for a Pulitzer - but alas):



Exclusive -- In a display of hypocrisy rare even for the leader of the Catholic Church, The Pope, shortly after announcing that; "People who fornicate with condoms or practice rhythm or masturbate or "pullout" (withdrawing the penis and ejaculating outsida the vagina) --are Sinners and will be denied God's grace." -- was caught hiding in a Vatican confessional chamber where he was jerking off!



Two young Priests were walking hand in hand past the chanber when they heard muffled cries in German; "Oye mine Gutt - mmm --ooh -- aaah -- vey is mir -Jesus fucking Mary and Christ -- Gevalt!"



They opened the sacred chamber and found the Pope slumped in the corner with a pair of panties dangling from his teeth -- "and there was Popa Cum everywhere!" said the Priests who have been reassigned to Missionary work among the tribal regions of Afghanistan, where their mission is to convert Pashtun tribal chiefs and Muslim warlords to Christianity.



The Pope denied the accusations; " The Bible clearly states in Fairy Tale number three,verse twelve, Book one of 'The Gospel of Bugs Bunny" -- that, 'Thou shalt not spill thy seed upon the ground or on the face of a whore, or in the mouth of a faggot, or within one hundred yards of a Kike or Negro or Protestant or Gypsy."



He continued, "And we'll see how well those two lying pansies make out with the Muslim hillbillies in Afghanistan."



That comment ought to get a rise (pun) out of the worldwide Muslim community.



The digibandit Vatican reporter Sherl Momsavitch was asked, off the record, by Vatican press chief Cardinal Guido Morioni -- "Is nothing sacred to you New York hebe motherfuckers?"



We officially replied, "Yes -- Truth and Justice and Vulgar Satire."



Welcome to Americ

Katie Couric will Kill To Boost Ratings - Animated News Anchors In Offing

NBC: 8.27 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54ABC: 7.98 million total viewers and 2.1/8 A25-54CBS: 5.94 million total viewers and 1.5/6 A25-54

What a disaster!

If Les Moonvies is shtupping her she has to be the most expensive piece of ass in history.

katie has announced that she will go to Anbar province with a news crew and a cadre of ex Navy Seals, with the objective of personally killing a terrorist on camera.

Les said today at a news conferencwe in Hollywood; "If this doesn't work we may have to bite the bullet on her 20 million dollar contract - which i will pay out of my own money."

"And we are seriosly considering going with animated hosts" (and maybe even animated correspondents)

It was just a matter of time!

Fox and ABC Announce - "Dancing With Disabilities"

With the huge success of Heather Mills' appearance on "Dancing With The Stars" -- gracefully executing a fox trot with her wooden leg -- Milton Cretin, head of ABC programming announced this joint production with Fox Television: -- " It's a natural spin-off (pun)when you see the huge rating's that Heather's performance generated."

"The first show will feature a woman with no arms dancing a Tango --this is a particularly tough dance to perform without arms to hold on to for guidance. --we chose a woman with huge tits for her professional partner to use as steering and control vehicles."

Asked by bandit entertainment reporter , Anna Clitinsky , what other disabilities they were considering? Mr. Cretin responded, "Well, up next were going with a blind deaf and dumb woman! --i don't have to tell you what a challenge that will be for all involved -- during rehearsal, in the lively folk dance numbers, she kept spinning and crashing all over the set and injured two camera men and a grip. We are now using an electrical array wired to her extremities and generating jolts of electricity as a guidance system."

"What else?" -- "We have a Five hundred pound woman from Arkansas who will dance a polka --it's rough -- she fell during a fast turn and rolled off the set for one hundred feet knocking down bystanders like bowling pins -- we had to install nets and put up bales of hay."

"Any others?", asked Clitinsky, "Whoa Anna --can't give the store away,but one last tease;" We have a woman with no feet! -- she will be fitted with prosthetic roller skates and will perform a waltz -- ha ha -- during one rehearsal she got out of control - shot across the lot, and barrelled into the Commissary -- we might change her over to a tap dance number -- on pegs!"

"And -- stay tuned for the Alzheimer's Meringue -- one dancer keeps yelling, "Morris -- answer the phone --are you deaf?"

No host has ben announced but the bandit has heard they are talking with Muhammad Ali (who would also dance)

Obama Proves He Has Big Enough Balls To be President

Oh yeah! -Count me in! - I'm switching to the Obama camp!

Why? - Because it took more courage to tell his cunty wife to keep her yap shut and get lost from the campaign spotlight,than will be required for confronting any conceivable existential threat to the united States during his presidency.

I mean - telling Vladimir Putin and the Chinks to get fucked will be a piece of cake next to putting a lid on Michelle Obama!

I'll bet that sleeping with a king cobra would be more fun than what goes on in the Obama bedroom since he had to shut her face about dissing the good ole USA on the campaign trail last month; and i sure hope he has a strong fantasy quotient and an abundant supply of Club magazines to get him through the campaign without any pussy.

Let's just pray that the New York Times doesn't get a call from some reincarnation of that beast Linda Tripp - with some valid info about Obama humping a hot campaign worker (or two).

Personally i hope he's fucking every hottie on his staff - and if America's FIRST black president can get away wit it - why couldn't Obama?

Anyway -- the Bandit is proud to endorse Obama! - and Michelle - here's some good advice - take that sock out of your mouth and put a great future President's cock in it.

Jesus Christ Should Have Been Aborted -- Not Crucified

And there would be about three hundred million happy indiginous people playing with their children in the sun today instead of having been tortured and butchered by missionaries of the Church spreading the Gospel in the name of JesusChrist.

And if you add up all the men women and children who died screaming in agony due to the pious and righteous and ignorant human animals who maimed and slaughtered in the name of their one and only- absolutely true God, and his son - well, Jesus Christ - you have the spiritual equivalent of the bubonic plague on steroids.

And the Church helped manage and manipulate and exploit this slaughter in the name of a peaceful and loving preacher who came bearing a revolutionary message of hope and salvation.

And this is what happens EVERY time the Priests get to call the shots! Judges with ONE law book written by a God who only they understand and who they represent exclusively. You sign on or you get burned at the stake! ( oh -and if your'e a hot innocent altar boy you get fucked in the ass for fun)

Happy Easter

(and try living with the questions for a change)

NOTHING Beats A High Priced Hooker - Spitzer Rules

The most sexual and gorgeous woman you have ever dreamed about arrives at your home -- she performs sex acts that will make your wife or girl friend forever seem like sleeping with Rush Limbaugh - and here's the best part:

SHE LEAVES!

So - let's get real about all this flap with Eliot Spitzer - it doesn't mean a fucking thing except he had the desire and the money and an ugly nagging wife.

Hillary Clinton Should Air THIS Commercial

Hillary is sitting in her sun garden at her home in Chappaqua,N.Y and as she looks dreamily out the window we hear her voice.

"You know -when the proof first came out that Bill had been blown by Monica Lewinsky i was devastated - i felt that because i hadn't fucked him for ten years that maybe I was to blame for his indiscretion and subsequent humiliation and impeachment.

She pets her doggy and looks wistfully out into the evening shade- and her inner voice continues." But i soon came to understand that it was just Willie's wicked sexual nature and that i should redirect my energies into trying to make the world a better place - to run for the Senate -establish a positive record and then maybe make a run at the Presidency?"

She wipes a tear from her eye and looks directly into the camera staring like a doe caught in the headlights -and her voice - gathering strength - proclaims..

"And no twerpy black "snake oil" change salesman, pushing a pile of generality laden horseshit is going to stop me from becoming the next President!"

I'm Hillary Clinton and i approved this message.

Stay tuned because I've got some effective commercials for ALL the candidates

Obama's Position On Iraq War Vote Proved That He's A Pussy

NO responsible person should have denied authorization for the president to attack Iraq because:

Saddam could certainly have possessed WMD - - past evidence of stockpiles was established - and he never came clean and opened up to full inspections.

He was an established pathological nut case who had used poison gas on the Kurds - had recently invaded Kuwait and reaped untold havoc on it's people and the environment and then repeatedly violated his surrender agreements.

Saddam hated America and had enormous resources with which to enable world terrorism at a time when the Twin Towers were still smoking.

He ran Iraq like Caligula - there was no way we could assume he was NOT an existential threat to the United States -and who the hell could believe he was bluffing about his self avowed WMD capabilities?

That is why almost the entire Congress -the Military and the Media and most Pundits and thinking people with balls - were in lock step about the need for military intervention.

Yes -the the overall strategy for occupation was a naive fuckup! - In retrospect we should have worked with the Bathists to manage the political realities - instead of unleashing the Shiites who are mostly fucking religious morons AND who hate us for freeing them from Saddam - under whom they couldn't take a shit without asking permission.

BUT - weak kneed liberals like Obama have NEVER thought it necessary to have to kill maniacs and inflict collateral damage in the interests of American survival. And that includes the whole fucking cold war!

Obama is a pussy - and McCaine would eat him for breakfast in the general election!

God Must be Hispanic If he Named His Only Son Jesus

Wow - i just realized that God has to be Hispanic!

I mean - otherwise he would have named his only kid God Junior or at least some common name of those times- like Joshua or Peter or Moishe -any thing but Jesus(unless he was Hispanic).

What made me think of this was i was watching the Los Angeles marathon yesterday and at least fifty percent of the people had to be Hispanic -and at least fifty percent of them were named Jesus - and i says to myself; "Wow -these guys all look like Jesus Christ - and God gave him that name -and that was not a common name -so God had to be Hispanic."

Wow! -- can you imagine what God is thinking about all these religious conservatives and white nativists who are bashing these poor illegal immigrants - who are his Hispanic brothers and sisters?

And - i bet that the Hispanics -not the Jews -are Gods chosen people. You notice he didn't name Moses - Jesus.

And -the true bible story must be that he cast out the Hispanics from the United States and let the Gringos (like the Egyptians with the Hebrews)) enslave them because they were being bad -but now he is letting them back into their promised land.

And for three thousand years the Jews have been selling the story about Canaan and being cast out and all that Pharaoh stuff just so they could look like the chosen people and get all that promotion -when the Hispanics -led by Gods Hispanic son Jesus - were the chosen people all along.

Well - as Mencken said; "Theology is the effort to explain the unknowable in terms of the not worth knowing"

But -maybe God IS Jewish but has a pushy Hispanic wife. (you notice i didn't say cunty)

United States Prison Population Should be Outsourced

Well it looks like - if you break the law in the good ole USA -You will do your time in some Foreign country. Maybe India or China if your lucky - but it could just as easily be the Congo or Somalia - or whoever makes the most attractive bid to keep you in captivity.

And with a new report showing that one out of one-hundred people in the good ole USA are doin some kind of jail time - this plan comes just in time to help our hurtin economy.

"Jules Hymovitz,head of the US Bureau of Prisons said; "We outsource most manufacturing and a ton of business services -- and even personal secretaries and tax and legal work, and you name it to India and China -- well - why not our huge and growing prison population?"

He continued; "It costs almost thirty thousand dollars a year to keep our criminals behind bars - hell -- China says they will take in the whole lot for ten thousand a piece - and we figure some countries could come in for under five thousand (and if the liberals don't squawk we could probably get some countries to pay us for these folks )"

"Were talking about billions of dollars in savings to the US taxpayer - and I'll betcha that the prospect of doing your time over in a third world country planting yams and getting cornholed regularly by some leper - will cut down on crime considerably."

"Julie concluded; "And -the way those countries treat their prisoners I'll bet most of em won't be coming back home to restart their lives of crime."

Outsourcing is a beautiful thing!

Mandatory Drug Tests For Congress - Most Would Fail

I'm willing to bet that if the US Congress were drug tested - over fifty percent would test positive for some mind altering substance.

And since their ability to focus and problem solve and manage their complex legislative duties is what they get paid for - and since we elect them with an expectation of a high level of energetic performance and clarity - it would be helpful if they were not fucked up on any drugs.

So let's test these suckas! - I mean we are so worried about our athletes not playing their fun games fairly - and whether or not Wal Mart employees can perform their highly complex jobs on drugs - or whether toll collectors will be able to make change after smoking a joint:

But whether or not a US Senator is holding a hearing on National Security zonked out on Prosac or Oxycotin - or maybe just did a couple of lines, or smoked some refer or took some meth: -- Oh, why should we be concerned about that?

Hey -and why not mandatory drug testing for ALL government employees - I am willing to bet you that fifty percent of the WHOLE government bureacracy would test positive for some kind of illegal mind altering substance.

And boy -would that explain everything!

John McCaine Needs A Sun Tan - "Casper" Has To Go

I just can't get over the resemblance of John McCain to Casper The Friendly Ghost ! (see picture on blog)



And now that it seems his opponent for the presidency will be Barak Obama - this ghostly image is most certainly going to haunt him!



I mean - watching the two of them together will look like a Ku Klux Klan inquisition. This will definitely work against McCain and he should begin getting sun tan treatments immediately.



When the tanned and younger looking McCain appears looking like a stockier version of George Hamilton it will be the end of Obama (and his Cunty wife)



Now that's the kind of strategic advice and guidance you won't get from most high paid political consultants.


Call me Hillary - it's not too late.

No "Cunty" For Old Men

That means NO "CUNTY" first lady!

Do we want a President whose last thought at night - with all the urgent and pressing existential problems he has to deal with is -"I wish that fucking cunt would just shut up and stay out of my shit - she's driving me apeshit!"

Or -"Thanks Christine - that blowjob has relieved all my anxiety and tensions and i can see a clear course of reasonable action"

I ask you --Goodnight!

Oscars Prove That Hollywood Can Save The World

Hollywood Will Save Iraq And The World

Now listen up Mr. President because the bandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!You get The Cohen brothers and Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable and you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

"You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." - the message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!""

And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!""Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Top Historians Say No "Cunty" First Ladies EVER In White House

Doris Kearns Goodwin -- There has never been a totally cunty first lady! -- The closest was probably Abigail adams, who would qualify as a major ball breaker, but not a cunt.

Tom Cahill -- hmmm? - i would say that most if not all of our presidents tended to run the show in their households. Mrs. Lincoln had some cunty tendencies but mainly she was a wack job.

James McCullough - Well Eleanor Roosevelt was a very strong and independent woman,but there was nothing very cunty about her - i would say that Dolly Madison definitely had cunt potential but John would never put up with that shit.

Michael Beschloss - It's actually quite amazing that the Republic has escaped the horrors of a cunty first lady all these years and a tribute to the strength and fortitude of America's Presidents.Millard Filmore's wife started to act like a cunt but he had her banned from the white house.

Barbara Tuchman - can't think of a totally cunty first lady, which as we all agree, would have had a devastating effect on the course of American history. If you look at all the worst and most dangerous world leaders, you will find a cunty wife lurking somewhere in the wings.

Well - there you have it straight from the mouths of five eminent Pulitzer Prize winning historians - from George Washington to George Bush - not one Cunty First lady!

Whaddyasay - let's keep Michelle Obama from becoming America's First Cunty - First lady?

The History Of "Cunt" - As It Applies To Michelle Obama

A reader has asked about the word cunt, wondering if it had something to do with "cunning" as in "a cunning woman was a negative thing". It has nothing to do with cunning (which is related to the verbs ken and can) and everything to do with what it means today: "female genitalia". It first shows up in a list of London street names of about 1230. That street name was, interestingly, Gropecuntelane, one of a warren of streets and alleyways all given over to the lowest forms of prostitution and bawdry. It lay between Aldermanbury and Coleman Street (where the Swiss Bank stands today) and it belonged to one "William de Edmonton". Curiously, medieval Paris had a street name with an identical meaning - Rue Grattecon. Oxford and York apparently also had similar versions of that street name.

Cunt is believed to derive from a Germanic root *kunton "female genitalia", which also gave rise to Old Norse kunta (ancestor of Norwegian and Swedish dialectical kunta and Danish dialectical kunte), Old Frisian, Middle Low German and Middle Dutch kunte, and the English doublet quaint. And, by the way, the word wasn't always considered derogatory, even though it is today. Be careful about assuming that a word's modern connotations must have governed its formation. By the way, no connection has been made between the Germanic words and Latin cunnus. The proto-Germanic root of cunt is ku- "hollow place", while the Indo-European root of Latin cunnus is (s)keu- "to cover, to conceal", the etymological meaning of cunnus being "sheath".

So -Michelle Obama IS a "CUNT" - I knew i was right -and i don't think America has EVER had a Cunty First Lady. -I'm gonna ask some famous historians and report back to you - to see whether Michelle would be the First -Cunty First lady in America's history.

Penis Envy Strikes Again! - Michelle Obama Sets Off Cunt Alarm!

Michelle Obama’s comment in Milwaukee on Monday: “For the first time in my adult lifetime, I am really proud of my country. And not just because Barack has done well, but because I think people are hungry for change.” - will cost Obama the presidency!

Another spoiled cunt with a BIG Mouth - carried away by the limelight just like her two most recent candidate destroyers - Teresa Heinz Kerry and Judith Nathan Giuliani.

I'm sooo sad that Michelle Obamas life's experiences at Princeton and Harvard left her with a completely cynical view of America -- maybe she should spend some time in a more enlightened and spiritual country - of her choice.

Or maybe she didn't take any history courses? - Or maybe she's just another good looking spoiled lefty cunt trophy wife with a gifted and powerful husband.

Boy do we NOT need her in the White House!

Oh - and folks everywhere across this great land are a thinkin today - "Obama is hooked up with an American hating cunt - his first order of change should begin at home."