Sarah Palin Is Just Absolutely Thrilled About Her Teenage Daughter Getting Knocked Up!

"Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned. We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents," Sarah and Todd Palin said in the brief statemen

Thats a political spin statement by "Whiteys" incredulous choice for VP that means:

"Yeah - my stupid fucking seventeen year old daughter is knocked up by some local Alaskan redneck - just what the fuck i need right now!"

" And It was fucking considerate of her to wait to tell me right after i was chosen Caspers running mate"

If i were Obama i'd be running ads with that classic rock tune -- "The Girls In Bristol Are Hot As A Pistol When They Do The Bristol Stomp" - playing over videos of an exuberantSarah - celebrating the socially conservative and wonderful news that her teenage daughter is pregnant - out of wedlock.(and didn't tell her dear mom for five months)


Maybe Sarah Palin should be telling American teenagers to keep their knees together instead of advertising the joys of teenage pregnancy?

And -- In case you didn't know it - "Bristol" was named for a tiny shithole town in Alaska called Bristol Bay Borough -- a borough of the U.S. state of Alaska located on Bristol Bay or Iilgayaq Bay. The borough seat is Naknek. As of the 2000 census the borough population was 1,258. There are no incorporated settlements -


Outside of watching the loaded locals making pee messages in the snow - fucking on the pool table over at the Antler Inn - is the main cultural diversion for teenagers in Bristol Bay Burrough!


(Outside of killing Reindeer and Polar bears )

Well - old "Whitey is now well on his way to sewing up the white trash vote.

And - now- we can all watch the social rednecks scramble to put a smiley
face on Bristol's fuckup - what fun!







Congratulations! - And - You too Sarah.

Sarah Palin Says Hillary Is A Pussy - Would Have Cut Bill's Penis Off

"If i found out that my hubbie got sucked off by some young Inuit hotty in the back room of the Antler Inn down in Injun town:

"I would cut his balls off with my Reindeer skinnin knife - and put a slug into her pussy - and then wreck the whole fucking place with my Hockey stick!"

"I mean - maybe it's de rigeur for some slut to moon your hubbie and then swallow his throbbing old member in the White House?"

"But up here in the wilderness - you fuck around with another woman's man and you wind up as Seal bait."

"And - i gotta lota respect for Hillary - but - Billy boy is still walkin round with a swingin dick? -- Uh Uh Uh - my hubbie's unit would be in a jar next to the Moose i kilt last spring."

"Well - i gotta run right now - gotta get my armpits and legs waxed before the convention:

"But - we'll talk some more later..........."

"Whitey" McCaine Must Be Fucking Sarah Palin

BECAUSE:

She has less policy and managerial experience than your average Walmart store manager!

Being rabidly pro-life she instantly pisses off 85% of American women.

She's pushing for expanded drilling in Alaska - and for a new pipeline to carry the carbon.(duh)

And if Casper keels over - the nuclear codes get turned over to a fiercely religious redneck soccer mom from the Alaskan boonies.

Should be quite comforting to our Allies and the Muslim nutcases?

But - But - But -- like Cindy McCaine -she is an ex beauty queen - AND:

She can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

All Hail Obama - Bring On The Chariots and Charging Elephants

Obama makes his big speech tonight in Denver's version of the Roman Coliseum - with the fake columns and fantastick lighting and sound effects and all that crappy circus hoopla designed to expand his "enthusiasm gap" over poor "Old Whitey".

Here are some additional production elements that his team could easily add to the carnival - which would really kick the whole event "Up A Notch" - and put some real strategic "BAM" in "O Bam A"

Chariots - charge in - circling the arena - all BLACK stallions driven by shiny black male charioteers - followed by a legion of black Amazonian women carrying spears.(think five thousand Serena Williams look alikes)

Next - a huge herd of Bull Elephants roars and trumpets its way across the field flaanked by a legion of all white senior citizens. - And - their grandchildren - dressed all in white -- are riding atop the elephants - waving American flags.

Then - a legion of the 'Working class" marches in! -- Hispanics -Cubans - Dominicans - Native Americans - Asians - Armenians -Poor Whites - Inuits :

EVERY ethnic group and sub-group and cultural stereotype imagineable! - Gays - Dwarfs - the Handicapped - you name it - AND they each have their own flag and marching band like the High Schools in the Thanksgiving Day parade .

AND -- next come the "Sponsor Floats" - with lobbyists and big donors riding on them -- and throwing cheap baubles into the crowd like at Mardi Gras.

And - bringing up the rear a huge contingent of "RELIGIOUS" fanatics!

Priests and Evangelists and Hasidic Jews and Imams and Monks and Mormons -- all singing and chanting - and there's lightening and thunder and:

At last - in comes "OBAMA" -- woosh -- lot's of smoke - African drums pound throughout the great coliseum and thousands of African Warriors leap and scream (think of all those coordinated robotic chinks at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics)

He's dressed like Abraham!

And -- he then performs a MIRACLE - he makes it rain!

And - as the fake downpour drenches the entire throng (who are now all kneeling in mandated Prayer) - He points his staff (like Charlton Heston as Moses) at a giant replica of The Ten Commandments - lit up on a mountain in the near distance = and begins his address - with:

"How's THAT for change?"

Sherwin Williams Paint Company To Market "McCaine White"

Dr.Moishe Pipick - head of world wide marketing for the Sherwin Williams paint company announced today:

"In honor of the whitest man ever to run for President - we have produced a new addition to the popular Sherman Williams "White Category" -- wer'e calling it "McCaine White"

He continued: " If eggshell white is just too white for you - or off white or ivory white - or pearl or even our current whitest white ,which is our famous "Cottontail White" - THEN:"

"McCaine White" - the whitest possible adaptation of the white pigmentation molecule - is the one for you."

"And - like McCaine - it goes with anything!"

Our digibandit manufacturing reporter - Elise Mandelbaum asked Dr. Pipick; -- "How would you describe "McCaine White" in layman's terms to our readers?"

He responded; -- " Think of Casper the friendly ghost!"

Maybe they should think about coming out with "Obama Black?" - a kinda mix of "McCaine White" -- and not quite Black.

Obama Is NOT Black

Personally i don't care if he is purple or orange or even pink.

But - he sure as shit isn't BLACK!

Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are BLACK! - So are about ten million other Americans who share a history - heritage and culture that is wrapped in the BLACK American experience.

So -- what is all the fuss and crapola about Obama being the FIRST black American presidential candidate? - And all the residual racial furor and fury about him BEING A BLACK MAN?

I mean - McCaine's father was from Ireland> Does that make him a Celtic candidate?

I mean - how much in common do you think Obama has with his Kenyan father? (he can probably out run anyone in Congress/)

He is more white than most white people - so let's cut the bullshit and treat him - at least - as any other extremely qualified WHITE candidate:

Until - we get a real BLACK presidential candidate.

Fox Announcs "Candid Celebrity Confessions" with Father Konfessor

Fox certainly has a lot of balls -- In addition to being cutting edge creative!

Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience. -- What a programming breakthrough!

"Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Moishe Pipick,President of Fox TV Entertainment.

Elise Mandelbaum - the digibandit Hollywood reporter - asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense? - Give us an example."

"Okey dokey" said Pipick; -- "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear. -- And here's the penance!"

"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary, youv'e been real naughty - so God demands five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"

"Wow!" -said our reporter; "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -And -- won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"

"Fuck no!" said Fox's Pipick --"It will be bigger than Idol!

I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off!

Obama Must Prove He Is Lustful

95 percent of ALL world leaders have screwed around on their wives!

In America that includes Washington - Adams and jefferson and ALL the founding fathers - both Roosevelts - ALL presidents except Calvin Cooledge (who weighed four-hundred pounds and Ronald Regan; who knew Nancy would cut his pecker off.

And - EVERY Congressman and Senator who has ever done anything original or important or of any substance - has screwed around on his wife.

And - that fact of life applies to EVERY local and national politician of ANY merit - from dog catcher to Governor - from Pine Mountain ,California to New York City,N.Y.

Soooooo - If Obama has been uxorious -- singularly faithful to that wife of his? - How in the hell is he going to relate to ANY of his domestic or foreign colleagues?

NO ONE - will totally trust or relate to him -- on ANY level!

And so - when in the middle of an important White House meeting on National Security - or say a World Conference on Nuclear proliferation:

A hot asistant walks in with a tray of coffe - and she has an ass like Jennifer Lopez - and all the guys smile and wink around the room - and Nicholas Sarkozy leans over and whispers to Vladimir Putin "Oh boy would i like to ......" and Obama just yawns and stares up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes in disdain.......

Well - that's not exactly a good thing for the folks back home - we really don't need Obama to be the turd in the world's political punchbowl.

Nope - we better find out - real quick -- if he's a card carrying member of the John Edwards and Friends Adulterers Club - and a red blooded normal male politician who can swap "fucking around" stories with the other powerful boys around the table -- who control our destiny.

Fess up Barack! - Who you been fucking? = Wer'e gonna find out anyway - hopefully that is.

McCaine is WAY ahead of you on this one!

BBTV Announces "What is a Motha Fuckah?" -- As Lead Series

Hip-hop artist Percy Miller, aka Master P, is involved in the start-up of a new family-friendly cable network called Better Black Television (BBTV) which will launch next year.

The network will be a general entertainment channel and based on a statement from the company, the network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture."

He further stated "What is a Motha Fuckah?" - will dig deep down into the African culture to examine the origins of that widely used phrase among blacks.

"I mean - how did "Motherfuckah" - which describes a fairly dysfunctional act - become the black equivalent of "Shalom" in the Hebrew language?"

"Or -"Hey! -how are you?" - for most other folks."

Yang Peiyi Has A Nice Face For Radio

“Miaoke, a third grader, was judged cute and appealing but “not suitable” as a singer. Another girl, Yang Peiyi, 7, was judged the best singer but not as cute.”

And so it goes in China!

After the Olympics the walls hiding all the decrepit buildings will come down -- all the cars and factories will start turning Beijing into it’s original state, as the largest urban shithole on Earth - dog meat will return to restaurant menus – and all the dissidents will resume being dissed again.

And – Miaoke can look forward to a future as a “cute and appealing “ dummy - to some Chinese party boss ventriloquist.

Why Did God Give John Edwards A Penis?

Or any man for that matter? - And here's the obvious answer:

God has a Cock!

Yep - knowing full well that any descent normal attractive (or rich) male could and would - fuck almost any female that walks - until, finally, his last drop of testosterone dribbled out ;

He still proceeded to create men with dicks!

I mean - he could have created - say - a double eye wink as the catalyst for procreation - or a whistle - or a face lick. And wham! - She's pregnant! - And on goes the human race. -- But noooo:

He had to create this whole sex/lust/power/ ego/ dominance - lovey dovey feel good orgasmic stuff to move humanity down the road?

The only reason God did that - and created all this confusion about sin and sex is because -- God was born with a penis!

So - don't blame John Edwards - blame God!

CIA Torture Expert Recounts "Nagging" Effectiveness

Agent Lance Himmler - an experienced CIA torturer - has divulged his initial experience with a revolutionary new torture technique - "American Wife Nagging".


He reported on the method yesterday - at a briefing of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - which the President and Secretrary of Defense Gates attended.


"Sustained nagging by an American wife - preferably a miserable Jewish housewife (hey and no anti-semitism intended - some of my best friends in the CIA have been driven nuts by nagging waspy wives) - is the most effective torture application that i have witnessed in my thirty years of trying to crack the toughest terrorist nuts around the world!"



He recounted; "Well -- we had this Al Quaeda leader who was sitting on some highly sensitive intel - and he would not give an inch! - We waterboarded him - we crushed his toes with a hammer - we put a pigs snout up his butt ( you know they hate pork) - we lit up his nuts with electrical charges - we put sulphuric acid on his left eyeball -- and then we got rough with this guy -- and NOTHING - he spit at us!"



Officer Himmler continued; "Well -i'm here to tell you - we brought in Elise Mandelbaum - closed the door - and within fifteen minutes this guy was screaming for his Momma!

And - when Mrs. Mandelbaum gave him another dose of "you no good lazy worthless bum - get a job - your'e poor wife should have married a Jewish Doctor - you failure - you fat weak spineless lazy loser ..... on and on......."

"Well - this guy begged for a map and a pointer and said he would give us everything we wanted - if only she would shut up!"



"I mean - she saved us hundreds - maybe thousands of lives! You gotta understand - it's hard enough for an American to deal with this kind of nagging - but - these Muslims have never heard a woman say anything but "Yes Mohammad - anything you want - please kick me or rape me again"


"I mean - here's a guy who has been killing and maiming since he was ten years old - his eyeball is hanging out of the socket and his nuts are sizzling from the electric shocks - and all his teeth have been kicked in and his toes are all mashed up - and he tells us to get fucked!"

"But - twenty minutes with Elise Mandelbaum from Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn N.Y - and he's crying like a baby and giving up his family and friends just to make her shut the fuck up."


"Oh - and get this - i say to Elise - "You have performed a major contribution to your country in the war on terror - you have cracked open one of our toughest Al Quaeda terrorists."



"And she says to me - "Let me tell you Mr. - these Muslims are a bunch of weak babies and i don't understand how you let them get away with all this terror business?"


She concluded, said Himmler; " My Abe Mandelbaum is a weak piece of shit - and he has withstood my nagging for the last twenty years. - And just thank God you don't have terrorists like him running around!"


At this point - the President replied : "Thanks officer Himmler - i want you to recruit a special unit of the most viscious nagging American wives you can find - and you can start with my mother in law -- heh heh heh!"

Tow Lanes Would Eliminate Gas Crisis

With the designation of "Towing Lanes" on America's highways -- SUV's and non commercial trucks would be required to tow a minimum of four cars behind them.

The towed cars would pay a pro-rated shared gas fee based on miles towed to the towing vehicles . - Fuel economy would soar - and carbon emissions would drop out of sight!

And - owners of mid and full size cars would have the option of participating -- pulling cars according to their tow capacity.

A minimum requirement to enter the tow lane would be one vehicle for a mid size car - and two for a car over 2,500 lbs. (but under 4,00 lbs.) - when the minimum of five cars would kick in.

Digibandit automative reporter Elise Mandelbaum presented the idea to Governor Arnold Schwartzenneger of Gollyvornia - who was attending a press conference in lush Pine Mountain village (where he was attending the presentation of a bronze statue from the World Lush Association to the local market which sold more liquor than any store on Earth (per capita) in 2oo7.

The Governor stated;"Did iss an ideeya dat is vorth loooking at! - Wiz my giant Mercury SUV i could probably pull zix or zeven kaars down the 5 freeway back to Los Angeleeees?"

"I am gonna try it dis afternoon right after the presentation - oh look at the statue! -It's a drunken peasant lying on the ground in what kut be my little village in Austria - everyone should come and Zee it in front of the Pine Mountain General Store:

In Pine Mountain Golllyvornia."

'But be careful driving through the willage - these folks are world champion lushes!"

Dickless Male Era - Response to Evolution of The "Super Cunts"

Hooray for the little woman! - Congrats to all the modern gals! - Three cheers for all the chicks and liberated babes!



Goodbye sexual inequality - so long job discrimination - adios traditionally stereotypical - and opressive behavior models for the girlies!



Welcome to the beginning of the "Dickless Male" era.



Yep - it didn't take long for Darwin's -"Descent with modification -and survival of the fittest" process to kick in:



"The new "Dickless Male" -with his reduced sex drive and balls free mind set and physiognomy will be biologically prepared for life in the fast evolving revolutionary epoch of the "Super Cunts." -said Dr. Moshe Pipick - head evolutionary biologist with the Universal Darwinian Institute - in Berne, Switzerland.



He stated; "Some men are beginning to react to the "Super Cunt" emergemce by becoming emotionally destabilized and are beginning to engage in violent anti - cunty behavior."



"This behavior which threatens the survival of the human race is resulting in an enhanced genetic pool of males who have lower testosterone levels ( with smaller dicks and balls) and who adapt to the Super Cunts without destroying them." - said Dr. Pipick.



Bandit biology reporter - Marta Goldberg asked Dr. Pipick:



"But won't the new "Dickless Males" be unable to conjugate with the "Super Cunts"? - therebye thwarting evolution and the survival of the species?"



The Dr. replied' " Excellent point and that will be true over time - during which the "Super Cunts" will evolve into egg layers."



Chicks will Rule! -- At last!



Congratulations

captured Muslim Terror Suspects Should Be Tortured By Nagging American Wives

Muslims treat their women like dogs! - As a result they have NO idea how viscious a nagging wife can be -especially a good old fashioned average "American Nagging Wife"(i don't include girlfriend nagging (just as viscious) because Muslims don't have girlfriends - that would imply courtship and options for the women)

So you put a suspected Arab terrorist in a room for one hour with a nagging American wife and they will be screaming; "Hey - no fair - i was supposed to get waterboarded - please Allah - kill me -please stop her! -ok ok the bomb maker is....."

Oh - and that's just your average run of the mill American nagging wife. For really hard cases we bring in maybe a Jewish wife whose husband hasn't touched her in five years because she gained ninety pounds since the wedding and all he hears after a sixteen hour day in the jewelry exchange is:

"Morris -you failure -you weak piece of shit -where have you been - I'm late for mahjong - i should have married Abe - he's a doctor -he lives in Scarsdale - he still has hair ......."

Well - you know the drill.You put this viscious nagging Jewess in a room with Al Zaweirdi - he'll give you Osama's address and private telephone number in twenty minutes -maybe less?Remember -these lucky dogs have NEVER been nagged by a woman .

If a Muslim woman were to say even; "Mamood - i think maybe you should tale a bath -it's been six months -whaddya think?" - then - in the morning she would be in the town square trying to dodge an avalanche of stones -andd that would be a relief after what Mamood would put her through -and the children too.

Imagine if your average American nagging wife laid into him with; -- "Mamood -you stinky failure of a shit husband - you weak hunk of crap - why don't you DO Something - why don't we ever go out -why don't you touch me - you worm - where have you been - your friends are all you care about - you eat too much - lose some weight -for God's sake get a raise - turn off the ball game - help with the children - what's wrong with you - see a psychiatrist - stay out of that smelly Mosque with your faggy friends ......"

At this point Mamood would be writing down the location of every house in Sadr City with munitions in it -and then he'd eagerly rat out his son and his brothers.

C'mon you CIA guys - give it a try - you know I'm right - use one of YOUR wives.

John Mccaine Challenges Obama To Fight - Calls Him A Pussy

"Iv'e had enough of this twerpy faggots wussy bullshit!" -McCaine was overheard exclaiming to his wife Cyndy - who replied:

"Well John - why don't you just kick his black ass - and show the American people that youv'e still got more nuts at seventy eight than he has at twenty one"

Said a very pissed off Mccaine - "Fuck sakes Cyn - where have you been? - I am seventy five and he is twenty four - don't we have enough problems without you fucking up the math?"

"But your'e right - I'll get him in the ring and knock his dick off in one round - and then folks will see that the only thing he should command is a girl scout troop."

He continued; "Hell -- Jesse Jackson thinks he's an arrogant twerp - and the Rev Sharpton told me he thinks he takes it in the ass!"

"Oooh Lordy !" -exclaimed Cyndy"

I've got McCaine in two.

President To Use Hollwood Talent To Stop Islamofascism

Now listen up Mr. President because the digibandit is gonna save your legacy and maybe the whole darn world!

You get Steven Spielberg - Peter Jackson - James Cameron - David Copperfield and George Lucas in a room together.You then say to them; " You represent the state of the art in the Imagination Industry --you know what i mean -- using tricks and bullshit to influence lotsa folks -heh - heh -heh!"

"We want you to produce and project over the night skies around the Middle East; an image of the Prophet Muhammad delivering a message -and to make that message totally realistic and powerful and believable" "

"And -- you will state the message as follows:""Hello it's me -- Mohammad! -- I'm speaking directly on behalf of your God - Allah - and effective immediately you must stop the Intifada against all non Muslims and become their friends ."

" Furthermore -- You will also stop killing your Muslim brothers -- enough is enough with your insane misinterpretations of the Koran." -

The message will then conclude as follows:"Right now there are a shitload of Muslim suicide bombers up to their necks in pig shit for all Eternity and screaming 24/7 -- "What happened to the fucking Virgins and Paradise ypu promised me?"

Mr. President. you must remind this esteemed creative team that; "These folks are mostly ignorant and illiterate and miserable and filthy and angry and superstitious and completely at the mercy of their religious leaders who exploit them - kinda like the Catholic Church for most of it's history (heh heh)"

"And -- when the Muslim masses see the image you Hollywood creative and technical geniuses will create and project over the Arab world -- their Mullahs can scream Fake! Fake! till the cows come home -- our problems will be over!"

"And you will all receive The medal Of Freedom -- And finally, don't forget to say; "Now let's call in the media and keep a tight National security lid on this world saving project -- And by the way - your next assignment will be the return of Jesus Christ!"

"Good luck boys! --Thanks bandit!"

Homelesness - War - Plague - Famine - Terror - Great For Planet - say's Al Gore

Thursday, July 24, 2008

"Homeless people have a tiny carbon imprint - and an increase of twenty percent in homeless Americans would be like taking ten million cars off the streets" said Al Gore at a world conference on planet warming in Helsinki today.

He further stated; " American economic conditions should drive another eleven to thirteen million people into homelesness over the next three years which is a tremendous gift to the Planet."

"And with current projections for world wide plague and famine and water deprivation -- and deaths from poor air quality in India and China -- along with HIV and general slaughter in Sub Saharan Africa :

We think the Polar Bear might just find himself back on solid ground by 2015"

He concluded ; "And all of that " destructive sociological carbon reduction" ( or DSCR as wer'e now calling it) -coupled with industrial world carbon reduction efforts - along with scientific progress --- might just result in a long term world wide carbon deficiency problem?"

"And goodbye plants and trees!" heh heh heh

Increase In Homeless People Is Good For The Planet Says Al Gore

"Homeless people have a tiny carbon imprint - and an increase of twenty percent in homeless Americans would be like taking ten million cars off the streets" said Al Gore at a world conference on planet warming in Helsinki today.

He further stated; " American economic conditions should drive another eleven to thirteen million people into homelesness over the next three years which is a tremendous gift to the Planet."

'And with current projections for plague and famine and water deprivation and deaths from poor air quality in India and China -- along with HIV and general slaughter in Sub Saharan Africa - we think the Polar bear might just find himself back on solid ground by 2015"

He concluded ; "And all of this "sociological carbon reduction" (as wer'e now calling it) -coupled with industrial world carbon reduction efforts - along with scientific progress --- might just result in a long term world wide carbon deficiency problem?"

"And goodbye plants and trees!" heh heh heh

McDonalds To Sell Puppy McNuggets During Olympics

Sounds farfetched? - Well the big greedy corporations are so busy kissing Chinese assholes that it shouldn't surprise ya if they agreed to market a tasty Chinese delicacy - doggie meat!

"China, already the world’s second-largest advertising market, after the United States, is a dream for consumer product companies. “For most international brands here, China is the growth market for the next 10 years,” said Jonathan Chajet, strategic director at Interbrand, which consults on brands.

I guess nobody gives a shit about the genocide in Darfur or Robert Mugabe's unabated reign of terrror - or those psycho generals in Myannamar -- all of which the Chinese think is no ones business but their own - or Tibet -- or .............

Oh what's the use......

The multinational corporations would sell their mothers for an increase in market share and the Chinese could sell frozen aborted female placentas and no one would say boo!

You average folks all are too busy figuring out how to keep shopping --now that the financial shysters have just about squeezed you dry -- to give a shit about anything important. (like a boycott of some of these corporate monstors)

And the Chinese are laughing their asses off at us Western pussies who they will soon push out of the front row --on the world stage.

Enjoy the Olympics!