A new energy proposal initiated by VP Dick Cheney would require senior citizens on medicare or in public nursing homes; all people on medicaide or on welfare , and all federal prisoners to generate electricity by pedaling on stationery bikes or walking on tread mills - which would be installed by Haliburton.
"The energy produced will help to replace our dependence on foreign oil -- it will be environmental friendly -- it will be cost efficient (no labor costs) and it will improve the health of folks who are adding heavily to our rising medical costs and who contribute very little to Society in general."
The next phase of this plan would be the installation of "electricity sensitive carpeting" where the elderly can Shuffle along and generate static elecricity (Zap), where excercize bikes or treadmills are not practical - or for use by people not strong enough to bycycle or walk fast enough.
Senator Ted Kennedy called the plan "shocking". -But Dr. Gita Pipick - head of research at the World Wide Alternative Energy Foundation - in Berne Switzerland -stated at a press conference today:
"This is a win win solution for all involved - and for all those folks who cannot afford heat this winter -we are working on home static electricity generators."
She concluded; - "And the constant shuffling will also generate body heat and promote good health!"
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
American's Will Soon Start Selling Their Children - Say's New Study
“When people view themselves as doing worse financially, then that motivates them to purchase lottery tickets,” said Dr. Moishe Pipick, a postdoctoral associate at the Yale School of Management who in July published a research paper on lotteries in The Journal of Behavioral Decision Making.
"People are getting desperate! - This lottery thing is a sure sign!" - said Pipick.
“People look to the lottery to get back to where they were financially.”
“With lottery sales at record setting sales levels – and financially strapped folks spending their kids food money to win state lotteries with astronomically ridiculous odds:
It is now only a matter of time before they will start selling their children.”
Dr. Pipick continued; “I mean – there is a better chance that Paris Hilton will crawl into some fat greasy redneck’s trailer and give him a blow job - than winning the ‘Lollapalooza Twenty Thousand Jackpot Ticket’ -- from the local market”
“I mean - his porky wife has a better chance of Antonio Banderas jumping her in the Walmart parking lot - than winning at one of these ridiculous marketing scams.”
“And - his redneck kids have a better chance – statistically - of getting into Harvard – or winning a Nobel Prize - than winning the ‘Fifty Thousand Dollar Jesus Loves You’ scratch off - at the local Stuckeys.”
“This indicates total FINANCIAL desperation on the part of many Americans!”
Pipick went on; “There is a huge market in the selling of children in all of the third world countries - and a lot of folks in The United States feel just as desperate about not being able to feed their shopping frenzies - to buy some gas or beer – or some other cheap shit, - as starving folks in Calcutta do about getting a tiny bowl of rice.”
“Hey” – he concluded – “I might just buy a lottery ticket to win a blow job from Paris Hilton?”
"People are getting desperate! - This lottery thing is a sure sign!" - said Pipick.
“People look to the lottery to get back to where they were financially.”
“With lottery sales at record setting sales levels – and financially strapped folks spending their kids food money to win state lotteries with astronomically ridiculous odds:
It is now only a matter of time before they will start selling their children.”
Dr. Pipick continued; “I mean – there is a better chance that Paris Hilton will crawl into some fat greasy redneck’s trailer and give him a blow job - than winning the ‘Lollapalooza Twenty Thousand Jackpot Ticket’ -- from the local market”
“I mean - his porky wife has a better chance of Antonio Banderas jumping her in the Walmart parking lot - than winning at one of these ridiculous marketing scams.”
“And - his redneck kids have a better chance – statistically - of getting into Harvard – or winning a Nobel Prize - than winning the ‘Fifty Thousand Dollar Jesus Loves You’ scratch off - at the local Stuckeys.”
“This indicates total FINANCIAL desperation on the part of many Americans!”
Pipick went on; “There is a huge market in the selling of children in all of the third world countries - and a lot of folks in The United States feel just as desperate about not being able to feed their shopping frenzies - to buy some gas or beer – or some other cheap shit, - as starving folks in Calcutta do about getting a tiny bowl of rice.”
“Hey” – he concluded – “I might just buy a lottery ticket to win a blow job from Paris Hilton?”
Friday, September 12, 2008
Sarah Palin Galvanizes The Neanderthals
The Right Wing-Nuts Are Back in Force – Viva Palin!
Her come the Creationists – the Animal killers and GunToters - the Book Banners and the Homophobes - The Snake Chewers and the Oil Drillers – the whole anti science anti progress anti intellect – stupid fucking assholes who just love and are totally reenergized by:
Sarah the Eskimo -- hick jerk from the North Country -- Annie Oakley on steroids with a bible strapped to each tit – an AK 47 in her arms and a skinning knife in her belt:
Followed by a passle of demented and lusty rug rats and a husband with an icicle for a dick.
“Hallelujah! -Hallelujah!” – screams Sarah. “Get your torches and pitchforks and march to the White House! - “Kill the liberal Frankensteins!” - “Attack Russia – Slay the illegals – Slaughter the Abortionists – Denut the Gays and the Poets and all the faggot intellectuals and greens and….”
And – oh boy - the ignorant rural masses are eating this crap up like fried pork rinds.
DR. Moishe Pipick – head of the World Cultural and Universal Scientific Center For Social research – said today – at a conference in Geneva Switzerland:
“Not since the early days of the Social Democrats and the emergence of the Nazi Party have we seen such a cultural divide in a modern industrial Nation.”
Dr Pipick continued; “The US Presidential election is shaping up as a marked contest between the ignorant bible belting rednecks on the far right -- the hysterical lunatic fringe intellectuals on the far left – and the basically normal and progressive (but really pissed off) and mostly normal -- moderates and independents in the middle.”
Pipick concluded; “And - Boy oh boy - if that Ignorant Cracker Palin ever gets into to a position of power?”
"Oye Vey!"
Her come the Creationists – the Animal killers and GunToters - the Book Banners and the Homophobes - The Snake Chewers and the Oil Drillers – the whole anti science anti progress anti intellect – stupid fucking assholes who just love and are totally reenergized by:
Sarah the Eskimo -- hick jerk from the North Country -- Annie Oakley on steroids with a bible strapped to each tit – an AK 47 in her arms and a skinning knife in her belt:
Followed by a passle of demented and lusty rug rats and a husband with an icicle for a dick.
“Hallelujah! -Hallelujah!” – screams Sarah. “Get your torches and pitchforks and march to the White House! - “Kill the liberal Frankensteins!” - “Attack Russia – Slay the illegals – Slaughter the Abortionists – Denut the Gays and the Poets and all the faggot intellectuals and greens and….”
And – oh boy - the ignorant rural masses are eating this crap up like fried pork rinds.
DR. Moishe Pipick – head of the World Cultural and Universal Scientific Center For Social research – said today – at a conference in Geneva Switzerland:
“Not since the early days of the Social Democrats and the emergence of the Nazi Party have we seen such a cultural divide in a modern industrial Nation.”
Dr Pipick continued; “The US Presidential election is shaping up as a marked contest between the ignorant bible belting rednecks on the far right -- the hysterical lunatic fringe intellectuals on the far left – and the basically normal and progressive (but really pissed off) and mostly normal -- moderates and independents in the middle.”
Pipick concluded; “And - Boy oh boy - if that Ignorant Cracker Palin ever gets into to a position of power?”
"Oye Vey!"
Friday, September 05, 2008
Sarah Palin' Should Be Aerial Hunted - Skinned and Eaten
I posted the following blog two weeks ago - and now we find out that Sarah Palin is an advocate for the Aerial killing of Wolves in Alaska!
Sadly, in Idaho, wolves are nothing more than another game animal to be managed for the benefit of human hunters. Beginning on Sept. 15, any Idaho hunter with a hunting license and $10.50 for a wolf tag will be entitled to shoot one wolf, at least until the quota of dead wolves in his region has been reached.
And how will a hunter know if the local quota has been reached? There will be a hot line, of course!
A beatiful sentient social pack animal - genetic monarch of our beloved dogs - a magnificent symbol of beauty and freedom and the power and glory of our shrinking natural world;
These same sickos would eagerly purchase a game tag for the pure pleasure of shooting a "Wild Jew" -or any person of color - or retarded people -- no problema!
How in the fuck can we let these pathetic sub humans roam among us with guns and liscences to kill for the pure pleasure of their demented egos?
Call your elected representatives - do something!
And - as far as that Alaskan psycho?
Sadly, in Idaho, wolves are nothing more than another game animal to be managed for the benefit of human hunters. Beginning on Sept. 15, any Idaho hunter with a hunting license and $10.50 for a wolf tag will be entitled to shoot one wolf, at least until the quota of dead wolves in his region has been reached.
And how will a hunter know if the local quota has been reached? There will be a hot line, of course!
A beatiful sentient social pack animal - genetic monarch of our beloved dogs - a magnificent symbol of beauty and freedom and the power and glory of our shrinking natural world;
Slaughtered by pscho red necks for what?
These same sickos would eagerly purchase a game tag for the pure pleasure of shooting a "Wild Jew" -or any person of color - or retarded people -- no problema!
How in the fuck can we let these pathetic sub humans roam among us with guns and liscences to kill for the pure pleasure of their demented egos?
Call your elected representatives - do something!
And - as far as that Alaskan psycho?
Thursday, September 04, 2008
Eskimo Chief Says Tim Palin Had Sex With An Alaskan Caribou
Tinkla Pipick - a seventy year old Inuit Chief - who helped guide Tim Palin on his last three Ironman competitions, said today - from his Igloo on the Alaskan glacier:
"On several nights when we were camped out on the freezing tundra - i saw Tim sneak out of his sleeping bag in the snow machine and slip into the Caribou herd"
"When i approached the herd to see if he was alright - i saw him mounting a huge female Caribou!"
He continued; "On one occasion Tim caught me watching him hump a Caribou and he warned me that :"My cunty wife might be running for national office - and if this gets out i won't be the only one without a scrotum!"
Chief Pipick said; "I'm only spilling the beans now because i could not live with myself - if that ignorant Witch and her Caribou fucking husband landed in the White House."
"And - i feel real bad about the Caribou!"
"On several nights when we were camped out on the freezing tundra - i saw Tim sneak out of his sleeping bag in the snow machine and slip into the Caribou herd"
"When i approached the herd to see if he was alright - i saw him mounting a huge female Caribou!"
He continued; "On one occasion Tim caught me watching him hump a Caribou and he warned me that :"My cunty wife might be running for national office - and if this gets out i won't be the only one without a scrotum!"
Chief Pipick said; "I'm only spilling the beans now because i could not live with myself - if that ignorant Witch and her Caribou fucking husband landed in the White House."
"And - i feel real bad about the Caribou!"
Wednesday, September 03, 2008
God Speaks To Sarah Palin - Wow!
In a speech last June to her former church in Wasilla, Ms. Palin said the war in Iraq was “a task that is from God.” (Mr. Bush made similar claims as he rejected all sound mortal advice on how to conduct the war.)
And -- In her speech to the Wasilla Assembly of God in June, Ms. Palin said it was “God’s will” that the federal government contribute to a $30 billion gas pipeline she wants built in Alaska.
I guess God is a bit absent minded - or he was just so preoccupied with telling her about his positions on Iraq and the Pipeline that he forget to mention about her daughters little problem.
Ah well - it was nice of McCaine to remind us once again that Government by "Tooth Fairy" is never far away in this great Christian country of ours.
If Casper chokes on a pretzel and VP Palin is walking around with that satchel full of Nukem codes - i'll bet the Russkies might just get a tad nervous?
You know the formula dontcha? - AC=I- 40% IQ -- or - Absolute Certainty Equals Intellect Minus forty percent IQ .
Or - blind faith is for morons
And -- In her speech to the Wasilla Assembly of God in June, Ms. Palin said it was “God’s will” that the federal government contribute to a $30 billion gas pipeline she wants built in Alaska.
I guess God is a bit absent minded - or he was just so preoccupied with telling her about his positions on Iraq and the Pipeline that he forget to mention about her daughters little problem.
Ah well - it was nice of McCaine to remind us once again that Government by "Tooth Fairy" is never far away in this great Christian country of ours.
If Casper chokes on a pretzel and VP Palin is walking around with that satchel full of Nukem codes - i'll bet the Russkies might just get a tad nervous?
You know the formula dontcha? - AC=I- 40% IQ -- or - Absolute Certainty Equals Intellect Minus forty percent IQ .
Or - blind faith is for morons
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
Aircraft Carrier nets To be Used At US Open To Contain Williams Sisters
"I was constantly afraid that she would rip through the net and trample me like a giant black Rhinocerous" said Moishe pipick head referee at the US Open.
The head of the tournament safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent the Williams sisters from ploughing right on through when they thunder up to the net;
"Our tests have shown,"said the US Open's chief engineer - Arthur Cornwitz, - that a woman of their size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court.
"He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the US Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on US aircraft carriers to stop the fighter planes from crashing through and into the ocean :"
But Admiral Meyer Pinsky - Captain of the eastern battle carrier group expressed his concern; --- "Having seen the thrusting power of these amazing amazons on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her?"
When confronted with the dilemma Serena Williams said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test HIS burly black ass!"
Venus stated; "Ain't no net on earth can hold me!"
at 12:27 PM
The head of the tournament safety committee said they were going to install special tennis nets with safety features to prevent the Williams sisters from ploughing right on through when they thunder up to the net;
"Our tests have shown,"said the US Open's chief engineer - Arthur Cornwitz, - that a woman of their size -- with those enormous buttocks and ham hocks and traveling at high speed with those huge black breasts thrusting out like twin battering rams -- could plow through the standard net and take out not only her opponent, but the line referee -- two or three ball retrievers and approximately seven spectators in the first row of the center court.
"He continued; "We approached the head of engineering for the US Navy and they have devised a protective system similar to the ones used on US aircraft carriers to stop the fighter planes from crashing through and into the ocean :"
But Admiral Meyer Pinsky - Captain of the eastern battle carrier group expressed his concern; --- "Having seen the thrusting power of these amazing amazons on the courts -- I'm not sure if the jet nets will hold her?"
When confronted with the dilemma Serena Williams said; "Yep --the only thing that might hold me back is those big fine loin chops of maybe Shaq O'Neal? -- and i wouldn't bet on it if i was you --butt (heh heh) i sure would like to test HIS burly black ass!"
Venus stated; "Ain't no net on earth can hold me!"
at 12:27 PM
Monday, September 01, 2008
Sarah Palin Is Just Absolutely Thrilled About Her Teenage Daughter Getting Knocked Up!
"Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned. We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby and even prouder to become grandparents," Sarah and Todd Palin said in the brief statemen
Thats a political spin statement by "Whiteys" incredulous choice for VP that means:
"Yeah - my stupid fucking seventeen year old daughter is knocked up by some local Alaskan redneck - just what the fuck i need right now!"
" And It was fucking considerate of her to wait to tell me right after i was chosen Caspers running mate"
If i were Obama i'd be running ads with that classic rock tune -- "The Girls In Bristol Are Hot As A Pistol When They Do The Bristol Stomp" - playing over videos of an exuberantSarah - celebrating the socially conservative and wonderful news that her teenage daughter is pregnant - out of wedlock.(and didn't tell her dear mom for five months)
Maybe Sarah Palin should be telling American teenagers to keep their knees together instead of advertising the joys of teenage pregnancy?
And -- In case you didn't know it - "Bristol" was named for a tiny shithole town in Alaska called Bristol Bay Borough -- a borough of the U.S. state of Alaska located on Bristol Bay or Iilgayaq Bay. The borough seat is Naknek. As of the 2000 census the borough population was 1,258. There are no incorporated settlements -
Outside of watching the loaded locals making pee messages in the snow - fucking on the pool table over at the Antler Inn - is the main cultural diversion for teenagers in Bristol Bay Burrough!
(Outside of killing Reindeer and Polar bears )
Well - old "Whitey is now well on his way to sewing up the white trash vote.
And - now- we can all watch the social rednecks scramble to put a smiley
face on Bristol's fuckup - what fun!
Congratulations! - And - You too Sarah.
Thats a political spin statement by "Whiteys" incredulous choice for VP that means:
"Yeah - my stupid fucking seventeen year old daughter is knocked up by some local Alaskan redneck - just what the fuck i need right now!"
" And It was fucking considerate of her to wait to tell me right after i was chosen Caspers running mate"
If i were Obama i'd be running ads with that classic rock tune -- "The Girls In Bristol Are Hot As A Pistol When They Do The Bristol Stomp" - playing over videos of an exuberantSarah - celebrating the socially conservative and wonderful news that her teenage daughter is pregnant - out of wedlock.(and didn't tell her dear mom for five months)
Maybe Sarah Palin should be telling American teenagers to keep their knees together instead of advertising the joys of teenage pregnancy?
And -- In case you didn't know it - "Bristol" was named for a tiny shithole town in Alaska called Bristol Bay Borough -- a borough of the U.S. state of Alaska located on Bristol Bay or Iilgayaq Bay. The borough seat is Naknek. As of the 2000 census the borough population was 1,258. There are no incorporated settlements -
Outside of watching the loaded locals making pee messages in the snow - fucking on the pool table over at the Antler Inn - is the main cultural diversion for teenagers in Bristol Bay Burrough!
(Outside of killing Reindeer and Polar bears )
Well - old "Whitey is now well on his way to sewing up the white trash vote.
And - now- we can all watch the social rednecks scramble to put a smiley
face on Bristol's fuckup - what fun!
Congratulations! - And - You too Sarah.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Sarah Palin Says Hillary Is A Pussy - Would Have Cut Bill's Penis Off
"If i found out that my hubbie got sucked off by some young Inuit hotty in the back room of the Antler Inn down in Injun town:
"I would cut his balls off with my Reindeer skinnin knife - and put a slug into her pussy - and then wreck the whole fucking place with my Hockey stick!"
"I mean - maybe it's de rigeur for some slut to moon your hubbie and then swallow his throbbing old member in the White House?"
"But up here in the wilderness - you fuck around with another woman's man and you wind up as Seal bait."
"And - i gotta lota respect for Hillary - but - Billy boy is still walkin round with a swingin dick? -- Uh Uh Uh - my hubbie's unit would be in a jar next to the Moose i kilt last spring."
"Well - i gotta run right now - gotta get my armpits and legs waxed before the convention:
"But - we'll talk some more later..........."
"I would cut his balls off with my Reindeer skinnin knife - and put a slug into her pussy - and then wreck the whole fucking place with my Hockey stick!"
"I mean - maybe it's de rigeur for some slut to moon your hubbie and then swallow his throbbing old member in the White House?"
"But up here in the wilderness - you fuck around with another woman's man and you wind up as Seal bait."
"And - i gotta lota respect for Hillary - but - Billy boy is still walkin round with a swingin dick? -- Uh Uh Uh - my hubbie's unit would be in a jar next to the Moose i kilt last spring."
"Well - i gotta run right now - gotta get my armpits and legs waxed before the convention:
"But - we'll talk some more later..........."
Friday, August 29, 2008
"Whitey" McCaine Must Be Fucking Sarah Palin
BECAUSE:
She has less policy and managerial experience than your average Walmart store manager!
Being rabidly pro-life she instantly pisses off 85% of American women.
She's pushing for expanded drilling in Alaska - and for a new pipeline to carry the carbon.(duh)
And if Casper keels over - the nuclear codes get turned over to a fiercely religious redneck soccer mom from the Alaskan boonies.
Should be quite comforting to our Allies and the Muslim nutcases?
But - But - But -- like Cindy McCaine -she is an ex beauty queen - AND:
She can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
She has less policy and managerial experience than your average Walmart store manager!
Being rabidly pro-life she instantly pisses off 85% of American women.
She's pushing for expanded drilling in Alaska - and for a new pipeline to carry the carbon.(duh)
And if Casper keels over - the nuclear codes get turned over to a fiercely religious redneck soccer mom from the Alaskan boonies.
Should be quite comforting to our Allies and the Muslim nutcases?
But - But - But -- like Cindy McCaine -she is an ex beauty queen - AND:
She can probably suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
All Hail Obama - Bring On The Chariots and Charging Elephants
Obama makes his big speech tonight in Denver's version of the Roman Coliseum - with the fake columns and fantastick lighting and sound effects and all that crappy circus hoopla designed to expand his "enthusiasm gap" over poor "Old Whitey".
Here are some additional production elements that his team could easily add to the carnival - which would really kick the whole event "Up A Notch" - and put some real strategic "BAM" in "O Bam A"
Chariots - charge in - circling the arena - all BLACK stallions driven by shiny black male charioteers - followed by a legion of black Amazonian women carrying spears.(think five thousand Serena Williams look alikes)
Next - a huge herd of Bull Elephants roars and trumpets its way across the field flaanked by a legion of all white senior citizens. - And - their grandchildren - dressed all in white -- are riding atop the elephants - waving American flags.
Then - a legion of the 'Working class" marches in! -- Hispanics -Cubans - Dominicans - Native Americans - Asians - Armenians -Poor Whites - Inuits :
EVERY ethnic group and sub-group and cultural stereotype imagineable! - Gays - Dwarfs - the Handicapped - you name it - AND they each have their own flag and marching band like the High Schools in the Thanksgiving Day parade .
AND -- next come the "Sponsor Floats" - with lobbyists and big donors riding on them -- and throwing cheap baubles into the crowd like at Mardi Gras.
And - bringing up the rear a huge contingent of "RELIGIOUS" fanatics!
Priests and Evangelists and Hasidic Jews and Imams and Monks and Mormons -- all singing and chanting - and there's lightening and thunder and:
At last - in comes "OBAMA" -- woosh -- lot's of smoke - African drums pound throughout the great coliseum and thousands of African Warriors leap and scream (think of all those coordinated robotic chinks at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics)
He's dressed like Abraham!
And -- he then performs a MIRACLE - he makes it rain!
And - as the fake downpour drenches the entire throng (who are now all kneeling in mandated Prayer) - He points his staff (like Charlton Heston as Moses) at a giant replica of The Ten Commandments - lit up on a mountain in the near distance = and begins his address - with:
"How's THAT for change?"
Here are some additional production elements that his team could easily add to the carnival - which would really kick the whole event "Up A Notch" - and put some real strategic "BAM" in "O Bam A"
Chariots - charge in - circling the arena - all BLACK stallions driven by shiny black male charioteers - followed by a legion of black Amazonian women carrying spears.(think five thousand Serena Williams look alikes)
Next - a huge herd of Bull Elephants roars and trumpets its way across the field flaanked by a legion of all white senior citizens. - And - their grandchildren - dressed all in white -- are riding atop the elephants - waving American flags.
Then - a legion of the 'Working class" marches in! -- Hispanics -Cubans - Dominicans - Native Americans - Asians - Armenians -Poor Whites - Inuits :
EVERY ethnic group and sub-group and cultural stereotype imagineable! - Gays - Dwarfs - the Handicapped - you name it - AND they each have their own flag and marching band like the High Schools in the Thanksgiving Day parade .
AND -- next come the "Sponsor Floats" - with lobbyists and big donors riding on them -- and throwing cheap baubles into the crowd like at Mardi Gras.
And - bringing up the rear a huge contingent of "RELIGIOUS" fanatics!
Priests and Evangelists and Hasidic Jews and Imams and Monks and Mormons -- all singing and chanting - and there's lightening and thunder and:
At last - in comes "OBAMA" -- woosh -- lot's of smoke - African drums pound throughout the great coliseum and thousands of African Warriors leap and scream (think of all those coordinated robotic chinks at the opening ceremonies of the Olympics)
He's dressed like Abraham!
And -- he then performs a MIRACLE - he makes it rain!
And - as the fake downpour drenches the entire throng (who are now all kneeling in mandated Prayer) - He points his staff (like Charlton Heston as Moses) at a giant replica of The Ten Commandments - lit up on a mountain in the near distance = and begins his address - with:
"How's THAT for change?"
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Sherwin Williams Paint Company To Market "McCaine White"
Dr.Moishe Pipick - head of world wide marketing for the Sherwin Williams paint company announced today:
"In honor of the whitest man ever to run for President - we have produced a new addition to the popular Sherman Williams "White Category" -- wer'e calling it "McCaine White"
He continued: " If eggshell white is just too white for you - or off white or ivory white - or pearl or even our current whitest white ,which is our famous "Cottontail White" - THEN:"
"McCaine White" - the whitest possible adaptation of the white pigmentation molecule - is the one for you."
"And - like McCaine - it goes with anything!"
Our digibandit manufacturing reporter - Elise Mandelbaum asked Dr. Pipick; -- "How would you describe "McCaine White" in layman's terms to our readers?"
He responded; -- " Think of Casper the friendly ghost!"
Maybe they should think about coming out with "Obama Black?" - a kinda mix of "McCaine White" -- and not quite Black.
"In honor of the whitest man ever to run for President - we have produced a new addition to the popular Sherman Williams "White Category" -- wer'e calling it "McCaine White"
He continued: " If eggshell white is just too white for you - or off white or ivory white - or pearl or even our current whitest white ,which is our famous "Cottontail White" - THEN:"
"McCaine White" - the whitest possible adaptation of the white pigmentation molecule - is the one for you."
"And - like McCaine - it goes with anything!"
Our digibandit manufacturing reporter - Elise Mandelbaum asked Dr. Pipick; -- "How would you describe "McCaine White" in layman's terms to our readers?"
He responded; -- " Think of Casper the friendly ghost!"
Maybe they should think about coming out with "Obama Black?" - a kinda mix of "McCaine White" -- and not quite Black.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Obama Is NOT Black
Personally i don't care if he is purple or orange or even pink.
But - he sure as shit isn't BLACK!
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are BLACK! - So are about ten million other Americans who share a history - heritage and culture that is wrapped in the BLACK American experience.
So -- what is all the fuss and crapola about Obama being the FIRST black American presidential candidate? - And all the residual racial furor and fury about him BEING A BLACK MAN?
I mean - McCaine's father was from Ireland> Does that make him a Celtic candidate?
I mean - how much in common do you think Obama has with his Kenyan father? (he can probably out run anyone in Congress/)
He is more white than most white people - so let's cut the bullshit and treat him - at least - as any other extremely qualified WHITE candidate:
Until - we get a real BLACK presidential candidate.
But - he sure as shit isn't BLACK!
Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are BLACK! - So are about ten million other Americans who share a history - heritage and culture that is wrapped in the BLACK American experience.
So -- what is all the fuss and crapola about Obama being the FIRST black American presidential candidate? - And all the residual racial furor and fury about him BEING A BLACK MAN?
I mean - McCaine's father was from Ireland> Does that make him a Celtic candidate?
I mean - how much in common do you think Obama has with his Kenyan father? (he can probably out run anyone in Congress/)
He is more white than most white people - so let's cut the bullshit and treat him - at least - as any other extremely qualified WHITE candidate:
Until - we get a real BLACK presidential candidate.
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Fox Announcs "Candid Celebrity Confessions" with Father Konfessor
Fox certainly has a lot of balls -- In addition to being cutting edge creative!
Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience. -- What a programming breakthrough!
"Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Moishe Pipick,President of Fox TV Entertainment.
Elise Mandelbaum - the digibandit Hollywood reporter - asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense? - Give us an example."
"Okey dokey" said Pipick; -- "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear. -- And here's the penance!"
"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary, youv'e been real naughty - so God demands five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"
"Wow!" -said our reporter; "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -And -- won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"
"Fuck no!" said Fox's Pipick --"It will be bigger than Idol!
I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off!
Their new reality show will feature a Catholic priest -- Father Konfessor -- who will take confessions and give penances for the pleasure of the television viewing audience. -- What a programming breakthrough!
"Hidden cameras in the confessional booth will have audiences around the world peeing in their pants (panties) -- and the penances that Father Konfessor delivers will be more hysterical than the actual confessions;" said Moishe Pipick,President of Fox TV Entertainment.
Elise Mandelbaum - the digibandit Hollywood reporter - asked him; "What kind of penances will Father Konfessor dispense? - Give us an example."
"Okey dokey" said Pipick; -- "In the pilot we see Hillary Duff very ashamedly confess that she loves to tease young men and that she wears short skirts without any underwear. -- And here's the penance!"
"Father Konfessor says -- " Oh well Hillary, youv'e been real naughty - so God demands five Hail Mary's -- And -- ten cartwheels!"
"Wow!" -said our reporter; "Aren't you being a wee bit blasphemous? -And -- won't religious Catholics be upset about violating the priviliged and sacred bond between a Priest and his flock?"
"Fuck no!" said Fox's Pipick --"It will be bigger than Idol!
I think he's right -- and God will probably laugh his ass off!
Monday, August 18, 2008
Obama Must Prove He Is Lustful
95 percent of ALL world leaders have screwed around on their wives!
In America that includes Washington - Adams and jefferson and ALL the founding fathers - both Roosevelts - ALL presidents except Calvin Cooledge (who weighed four-hundred pounds and Ronald Regan; who knew Nancy would cut his pecker off.
And - EVERY Congressman and Senator who has ever done anything original or important or of any substance - has screwed around on his wife.
And - that fact of life applies to EVERY local and national politician of ANY merit - from dog catcher to Governor - from Pine Mountain ,California to New York City,N.Y.
Soooooo - If Obama has been uxorious -- singularly faithful to that wife of his? - How in the hell is he going to relate to ANY of his domestic or foreign colleagues?
NO ONE - will totally trust or relate to him -- on ANY level!
And so - when in the middle of an important White House meeting on National Security - or say a World Conference on Nuclear proliferation:
A hot asistant walks in with a tray of coffe - and she has an ass like Jennifer Lopez - and all the guys smile and wink around the room - and Nicholas Sarkozy leans over and whispers to Vladimir Putin "Oh boy would i like to ......" and Obama just yawns and stares up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes in disdain.......
Well - that's not exactly a good thing for the folks back home - we really don't need Obama to be the turd in the world's political punchbowl.
Nope - we better find out - real quick -- if he's a card carrying member of the John Edwards and Friends Adulterers Club - and a red blooded normal male politician who can swap "fucking around" stories with the other powerful boys around the table -- who control our destiny.
Fess up Barack! - Who you been fucking? = Wer'e gonna find out anyway - hopefully that is.
McCaine is WAY ahead of you on this one!
In America that includes Washington - Adams and jefferson and ALL the founding fathers - both Roosevelts - ALL presidents except Calvin Cooledge (who weighed four-hundred pounds and Ronald Regan; who knew Nancy would cut his pecker off.
And - EVERY Congressman and Senator who has ever done anything original or important or of any substance - has screwed around on his wife.
And - that fact of life applies to EVERY local and national politician of ANY merit - from dog catcher to Governor - from Pine Mountain ,California to New York City,N.Y.
Soooooo - If Obama has been uxorious -- singularly faithful to that wife of his? - How in the hell is he going to relate to ANY of his domestic or foreign colleagues?
NO ONE - will totally trust or relate to him -- on ANY level!
And so - when in the middle of an important White House meeting on National Security - or say a World Conference on Nuclear proliferation:
A hot asistant walks in with a tray of coffe - and she has an ass like Jennifer Lopez - and all the guys smile and wink around the room - and Nicholas Sarkozy leans over and whispers to Vladimir Putin "Oh boy would i like to ......" and Obama just yawns and stares up at the ceiling and rolls his eyes in disdain.......
Well - that's not exactly a good thing for the folks back home - we really don't need Obama to be the turd in the world's political punchbowl.
Nope - we better find out - real quick -- if he's a card carrying member of the John Edwards and Friends Adulterers Club - and a red blooded normal male politician who can swap "fucking around" stories with the other powerful boys around the table -- who control our destiny.
Fess up Barack! - Who you been fucking? = Wer'e gonna find out anyway - hopefully that is.
McCaine is WAY ahead of you on this one!
BBTV Announces "What is a Motha Fuckah?" -- As Lead Series
Hip-hop artist Percy Miller, aka Master P, is involved in the start-up of a new family-friendly cable network called Better Black Television (BBTV) which will launch next year.
The network will be a general entertainment channel and based on a statement from the company, the network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture."
He further stated "What is a Motha Fuckah?" - will dig deep down into the African culture to examine the origins of that widely used phrase among blacks.
"I mean - how did "Motherfuckah" - which describes a fairly dysfunctional act - become the black equivalent of "Shalom" in the Hebrew language?"
"Or -"Hey! -how are you?" - for most other folks."
The network will be a general entertainment channel and based on a statement from the company, the network will provide "positive content for a black and brown culture."
He further stated "What is a Motha Fuckah?" - will dig deep down into the African culture to examine the origins of that widely used phrase among blacks.
"I mean - how did "Motherfuckah" - which describes a fairly dysfunctional act - become the black equivalent of "Shalom" in the Hebrew language?"
"Or -"Hey! -how are you?" - for most other folks."
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Yang Peiyi Has A Nice Face For Radio
“Miaoke, a third grader, was judged cute and appealing but “not suitable” as a singer. Another girl, Yang Peiyi, 7, was judged the best singer but not as cute.”
And so it goes in China!
After the Olympics the walls hiding all the decrepit buildings will come down -- all the cars and factories will start turning Beijing into it’s original state, as the largest urban shithole on Earth - dog meat will return to restaurant menus – and all the dissidents will resume being dissed again.
And – Miaoke can look forward to a future as a “cute and appealing “ dummy - to some Chinese party boss ventriloquist.
And so it goes in China!
After the Olympics the walls hiding all the decrepit buildings will come down -- all the cars and factories will start turning Beijing into it’s original state, as the largest urban shithole on Earth - dog meat will return to restaurant menus – and all the dissidents will resume being dissed again.
And – Miaoke can look forward to a future as a “cute and appealing “ dummy - to some Chinese party boss ventriloquist.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Why Did God Give John Edwards A Penis?
Or any man for that matter? - And here's the obvious answer:
God has a Cock!
Yep - knowing full well that any descent normal attractive (or rich) male could and would - fuck almost any female that walks - until, finally, his last drop of testosterone dribbled out ;
He still proceeded to create men with dicks!
I mean - he could have created - say - a double eye wink as the catalyst for procreation - or a whistle - or a face lick. And wham! - She's pregnant! - And on goes the human race. -- But noooo:
He had to create this whole sex/lust/power/ ego/ dominance - lovey dovey feel good orgasmic stuff to move humanity down the road?
The only reason God did that - and created all this confusion about sin and sex is because -- God was born with a penis!
So - don't blame John Edwards - blame God!
God has a Cock!
Yep - knowing full well that any descent normal attractive (or rich) male could and would - fuck almost any female that walks - until, finally, his last drop of testosterone dribbled out ;
He still proceeded to create men with dicks!
I mean - he could have created - say - a double eye wink as the catalyst for procreation - or a whistle - or a face lick. And wham! - She's pregnant! - And on goes the human race. -- But noooo:
He had to create this whole sex/lust/power/ ego/ dominance - lovey dovey feel good orgasmic stuff to move humanity down the road?
The only reason God did that - and created all this confusion about sin and sex is because -- God was born with a penis!
So - don't blame John Edwards - blame God!
Friday, August 08, 2008
CIA Torture Expert Recounts "Nagging" Effectiveness
Agent Lance Himmler - an experienced CIA torturer - has divulged his initial experience with a revolutionary new torture technique - "American Wife Nagging".
He reported on the method yesterday - at a briefing of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - which the President and Secretrary of Defense Gates attended.
"Sustained nagging by an American wife - preferably a miserable Jewish housewife (hey and no anti-semitism intended - some of my best friends in the CIA have been driven nuts by nagging waspy wives) - is the most effective torture application that i have witnessed in my thirty years of trying to crack the toughest terrorist nuts around the world!"
He recounted; "Well -- we had this Al Quaeda leader who was sitting on some highly sensitive intel - and he would not give an inch! - We waterboarded him - we crushed his toes with a hammer - we put a pigs snout up his butt ( you know they hate pork) - we lit up his nuts with electrical charges - we put sulphuric acid on his left eyeball -- and then we got rough with this guy -- and NOTHING - he spit at us!"
Officer Himmler continued; "Well -i'm here to tell you - we brought in Elise Mandelbaum - closed the door - and within fifteen minutes this guy was screaming for his Momma!
And - when Mrs. Mandelbaum gave him another dose of "you no good lazy worthless bum - get a job - your'e poor wife should have married a Jewish Doctor - you failure - you fat weak spineless lazy loser ..... on and on......."
"Well - this guy begged for a map and a pointer and said he would give us everything we wanted - if only she would shut up!"
"I mean - she saved us hundreds - maybe thousands of lives! You gotta understand - it's hard enough for an American to deal with this kind of nagging - but - these Muslims have never heard a woman say anything but "Yes Mohammad - anything you want - please kick me or rape me again"
"I mean - here's a guy who has been killing and maiming since he was ten years old - his eyeball is hanging out of the socket and his nuts are sizzling from the electric shocks - and all his teeth have been kicked in and his toes are all mashed up - and he tells us to get fucked!"
"But - twenty minutes with Elise Mandelbaum from Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn N.Y - and he's crying like a baby and giving up his family and friends just to make her shut the fuck up."
"Oh - and get this - i say to Elise - "You have performed a major contribution to your country in the war on terror - you have cracked open one of our toughest Al Quaeda terrorists."
"And she says to me - "Let me tell you Mr. - these Muslims are a bunch of weak babies and i don't understand how you let them get away with all this terror business?"
She concluded, said Himmler; " My Abe Mandelbaum is a weak piece of shit - and he has withstood my nagging for the last twenty years. - And just thank God you don't have terrorists like him running around!"
At this point - the President replied : "Thanks officer Himmler - i want you to recruit a special unit of the most viscious nagging American wives you can find - and you can start with my mother in law -- heh heh heh!"
He reported on the method yesterday - at a briefing of the Joint Chiefs of Staff - which the President and Secretrary of Defense Gates attended.
"Sustained nagging by an American wife - preferably a miserable Jewish housewife (hey and no anti-semitism intended - some of my best friends in the CIA have been driven nuts by nagging waspy wives) - is the most effective torture application that i have witnessed in my thirty years of trying to crack the toughest terrorist nuts around the world!"
He recounted; "Well -- we had this Al Quaeda leader who was sitting on some highly sensitive intel - and he would not give an inch! - We waterboarded him - we crushed his toes with a hammer - we put a pigs snout up his butt ( you know they hate pork) - we lit up his nuts with electrical charges - we put sulphuric acid on his left eyeball -- and then we got rough with this guy -- and NOTHING - he spit at us!"
Officer Himmler continued; "Well -i'm here to tell you - we brought in Elise Mandelbaum - closed the door - and within fifteen minutes this guy was screaming for his Momma!
And - when Mrs. Mandelbaum gave him another dose of "you no good lazy worthless bum - get a job - your'e poor wife should have married a Jewish Doctor - you failure - you fat weak spineless lazy loser ..... on and on......."
"Well - this guy begged for a map and a pointer and said he would give us everything we wanted - if only she would shut up!"
"I mean - she saved us hundreds - maybe thousands of lives! You gotta understand - it's hard enough for an American to deal with this kind of nagging - but - these Muslims have never heard a woman say anything but "Yes Mohammad - anything you want - please kick me or rape me again"
"I mean - here's a guy who has been killing and maiming since he was ten years old - his eyeball is hanging out of the socket and his nuts are sizzling from the electric shocks - and all his teeth have been kicked in and his toes are all mashed up - and he tells us to get fucked!"
"But - twenty minutes with Elise Mandelbaum from Flatbush Avenue in Brooklyn N.Y - and he's crying like a baby and giving up his family and friends just to make her shut the fuck up."
"Oh - and get this - i say to Elise - "You have performed a major contribution to your country in the war on terror - you have cracked open one of our toughest Al Quaeda terrorists."
"And she says to me - "Let me tell you Mr. - these Muslims are a bunch of weak babies and i don't understand how you let them get away with all this terror business?"
She concluded, said Himmler; " My Abe Mandelbaum is a weak piece of shit - and he has withstood my nagging for the last twenty years. - And just thank God you don't have terrorists like him running around!"
At this point - the President replied : "Thanks officer Himmler - i want you to recruit a special unit of the most viscious nagging American wives you can find - and you can start with my mother in law -- heh heh heh!"
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
Tow Lanes Would Eliminate Gas Crisis
With the designation of "Towing Lanes" on America's highways -- SUV's and non commercial trucks would be required to tow a minimum of four cars behind them.
The towed cars would pay a pro-rated shared gas fee based on miles towed to the towing vehicles . - Fuel economy would soar - and carbon emissions would drop out of sight!
And - owners of mid and full size cars would have the option of participating -- pulling cars according to their tow capacity.
A minimum requirement to enter the tow lane would be one vehicle for a mid size car - and two for a car over 2,500 lbs. (but under 4,00 lbs.) - when the minimum of five cars would kick in.
Digibandit automative reporter Elise Mandelbaum presented the idea to Governor Arnold Schwartzenneger of Gollyvornia - who was attending a press conference in lush Pine Mountain village (where he was attending the presentation of a bronze statue from the World Lush Association to the local market which sold more liquor than any store on Earth (per capita) in 2oo7.
The Governor stated;"Did iss an ideeya dat is vorth loooking at! - Wiz my giant Mercury SUV i could probably pull zix or zeven kaars down the 5 freeway back to Los Angeleeees?"
"I am gonna try it dis afternoon right after the presentation - oh look at the statue! -It's a drunken peasant lying on the ground in what kut be my little village in Austria - everyone should come and Zee it in front of the Pine Mountain General Store:
In Pine Mountain Golllyvornia."
'But be careful driving through the willage - these folks are world champion lushes!"
The towed cars would pay a pro-rated shared gas fee based on miles towed to the towing vehicles . - Fuel economy would soar - and carbon emissions would drop out of sight!
And - owners of mid and full size cars would have the option of participating -- pulling cars according to their tow capacity.
A minimum requirement to enter the tow lane would be one vehicle for a mid size car - and two for a car over 2,500 lbs. (but under 4,00 lbs.) - when the minimum of five cars would kick in.
Digibandit automative reporter Elise Mandelbaum presented the idea to Governor Arnold Schwartzenneger of Gollyvornia - who was attending a press conference in lush Pine Mountain village (where he was attending the presentation of a bronze statue from the World Lush Association to the local market which sold more liquor than any store on Earth (per capita) in 2oo7.
The Governor stated;"Did iss an ideeya dat is vorth loooking at! - Wiz my giant Mercury SUV i could probably pull zix or zeven kaars down the 5 freeway back to Los Angeleeees?"
"I am gonna try it dis afternoon right after the presentation - oh look at the statue! -It's a drunken peasant lying on the ground in what kut be my little village in Austria - everyone should come and Zee it in front of the Pine Mountain General Store:
In Pine Mountain Golllyvornia."
'But be careful driving through the willage - these folks are world champion lushes!"
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